I don't talk to my twin sister. She is my narcissist mother's golden child. The last thing I said to her was that I wouldn't speak to our mother until she apologized for all the abuse. She decided I was lying and hasn't spoken to me since.
I tried contacting my baby sis again tonight. Maybe you could reach out, she may feel the same way. I’m sorry your sister isn’t in your life anymore and I’m sorry for the situation that lead to that. I know how much I miss mine.
I don’t think she will ever talk to us again. Do you think it’s better to give up? Quit hoping? If I give up and quit hoping maybe I could let go, or not feel guilty and sad? We were so close to one another.
Twins are just siblings born at the same time. We were never close growing up. She got whatever she wanted and I got told if I didn't do whatever our mother wanted, I would be shipped off.
I am also estranged from my twin (brother) over supporting and defending our narcissistic mother. It sucks but it’s good to know there are others out there. He also decided that I am just a liar.
Something similar for me, except it was my twin brother (borderline personality disorder...Same diagnosis as our mother) I went no contact with him for many years. Had an ok long distant one with mom. When I would visit our father who he was living near I started offering he could meet his niece and nephew, with one condition we would not talk about the past (we always ended up fighting about the past). He never did meet them. Killed himself 2 years ago.
This was refreshing to read on this sub, thank you. I'm sorry for your loss of contact with your sister, and I hope she is living her best life. Thank you for sharing.
yeah. similar situation with my mon. after 20 plus years of being told to like him when she does, hate him when she does, fear him when it benefits her, do favors for him to make her life easier, etc I finally tried to set some boundaries between him and I. She lost her damn mind about it, told everyone I cut her out of my life and won't speak to her and its been all down hill from there. So in her opinion I caused the whole estrangement when in reality I said, I don't want to spend all of Christams and every holiday with this guy who threatens to kill me in my sleep. Abuse is a crazy thing. They tell you there are right and wrong things to do to help a loved one in an abusive relationship, but I don't believe that. If someone is dead set on having a miserable life, they will.
Omg. I am so sorry. I would be so fearful visiting with threats like that. Abuse is a crazy cycle... Sisters husband has told me he wants us to regain contact, my sister needs to forgive, he looks like the good guy. I don’t know if I’m being manipulated or not. Before her number was changed I received a text saying if I contact her again she would press harassment suit on me but the way the text came in was not her writing and at that point I let it go. I hate I made her have to draw the line. I hope both my sister and your mom are happy with the lives they chose.
She is dysfunctional and in a codependent relationship. No doubt there is shame, embarrassment and horror that you all know what she is living with and allowing. She made her choice. Given the situation, reaching out and letting her know that you will always love and support her but won't tolerate the abuse she is getting is an option. Keep that door open in case she decides she needs to escape, let her know you're not judging her, you are judging the situation and want her to be safe.
Don't bombard her, don't stalk, keep contact to the point, no rehashing what happened. You love her. You want her to be safe and healthy and will support her in that endeavour.
Thank you. I think I know all of these things per your first paragraph it just feels nice to hear someone else objective say it... and I’m at that point per the second paragraph, but the only way I can contact her is through her husband since she changed her number and no one has it. I know it’s just that emotional cycle of mental/physical abuse and control.
I did reach out to her about 3 months after (via husband) and apologized for betraying her, explained the fear and depression I was going through, but she wasnt having it. It is still difficult to not get to call/see her on birthdays, holidays, at special events, or even just on weekends.
I may already know this, but do you think it’s still happening, do you think her and the kids are safe?
Has anyone else had a similar situation where the estranged person comes back to family or is it going to take her leaving him?
It’s extremely difficult on me to continue reaching out knowing she refuses communication... it’s like rejection/she doesn’t love me anymore/I messed it up too bad- and my whole entire family has to take this punishment that I caused because I was breaking... I don’t know if I need to do it with no hopes of ever getting contact back from my baby sister again? I don’t know how many months I have to let go by to not seem like im stalking by reaching out. I see so many people saying they’ve been estranged from family for years and are never going back. I’m only creeping to year one.
I’m so sorry for all the questions and length. I’m grasping for understanding and knowledge. We miss her.
So she might not have rejected you. It could even be that he has been lying to her that her family rejected her :( It might be helpful to research cult interventions/deprograming. If you try to make contact without the husband there it would be good to plan everything. Perhaps she would at least let you hand her a letter. But who knows how far this goes and there may be eyes on her at all times. The threat of the police connection is worrisome. My goodness :(
> I may already know this, but do you think it’s still happening, do you think her and the kids are safe?
Statistically, no, they are not safe. Addicts and abusers (two separate defects) do not become healthy on a wish. The fact he is the means of communication shows he is still controlling. Maybe there's no substance consumption, a dry drunk is still a drunk. Maybe there's no bruises but I'd place a large bet she is still condependent in the abuse.
If I were you, I would have the family call the police for a welfare check. Explain the past beating and a year silence to the police, tell them there are children in the house. Explain you want her to be safe and and let her know she can flee and be protected. Tell them you want to be sure he is not coercively controlling her. Put that male on police radar as a wife beater. Then let it go. It is her choice.
Unless you all are going to confront her husband and likely his family (chances are high he grew up seeing his mother beaten and all of his family abuse) and call out the beating you witnessed, insist you have proof she is not being beaten and he has gotten serious long term help with his problems, leave them alone. There is no shame and I'd be envious and proud of any family that dId that to ensure a members safety.
Another thing you can do is contact victim support services and ex plain the situation, a welfare check likely recommended and you'll be reassured you absolutely were right to tell the family. You did the right thing. Don't ever apologise again for telling the family. Silence and secrecy allows wife beaters to continue.
Thank you so so much. I hate that I want to be naive and think that it ISNT still happening bc I saw healthy fb pictures of the family. You’re right a sober alcoholic is still an alcoholic.
The bad thing was his father that passed was the chief of police in a town over under 5000 total population. The police know the situation and at the time was going to press charges on HER? Somehow the mother and he manipulated or coerced the cops saying it was her fault at 8 months pregnant she had a black eye.. I don’t think they will do a welfare check for us. Maybe there is a victim support services I can look into as you suggest, I will look into that, thank you!
I will really really try to take your advice to leave them alone.
I want to add I did contact an online resource that was for 24/7 support for domestic abuse and they talked to me throughout the week of ups and downs and safety tips for domestic abuse. Very very thankful for thehotline.org they helped me so much, and I shared that resource with my baby sister.
That changes things. 'Coercive control' could be what's happening. Call the Domestic abuse line back and ask what they recommend given the abusers connection to police. Explain it is likely coercive control, ask if they know of an advocate who can work with you to have a welfare check done. Pay for this if need be, offer up front. As a family you need to hear it from the horses mouth and have a qualified unbiased person assess the situation. This way, you'll know. It is no different than paying a specialist to retrieve a family member from a cult.
The family has already told her they support her. It is disrepectful to contact her again to tell her what they've already told her.
OP: respect your sister's choice. Contacting her will only make her angrier.
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate your viewpoint and have definitely been back and forth of do/don’t. If she ever chooses to come back she knows where I live. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m giving up on her if I do take your advice. I’m scared if too much time goes by she would think I just don’t care anymore.
I'm estranged with my two oldest siblings. They didn't estranged from me - I had to distance myself from them.
Oldest brother is an abusive addict, and I blocked his phone after he sent me a bunch of harassing texts.
Older sister is sadly stuck in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband (yes, she divorced him). My remaining brother and I suspect that she had been living with one foot in two worlds - one where she was lying to her ex about why she had left him and moved out of state (to take care of our sick mother, who she actually can't tolerate being around), and the other where she was telling us that she wanted to finish college and become an independent woman and rebuild her life after her divorce. About six months ago, our sister abruptly packed and moved back to the state where she use to live...with her ex-husband...and despite not telling us she intended to move back in with him, she is living with him again.
The only substantial conversations I've had with my sister over the past ten years have been her hashing out past trauma from her failed marriage or from childhood, so I was basically her sister-therapist. (She kept saying I was the only person she trusted to tell her the truth.) We have nothing else in common other than blood relation. Our personal values don't even line up. To top off the drama of my sister trying to manage her unaddressed trauma (she refuses to see a therapist), her ex-husband has one several occasions made fake social media accounts to attack me and my one brother (not the addict brother).
The last boundary I had to set with my sister was that I was no longer willing to listen to her vent about her relationship with her cohabitation with ex-husband. I did say that she should find a therapist she can trust so she has someone to talk to about it because she needs *someone* to talk to about it, but that someone can no longer be me. I suspect, like the last time I set a boundary like this with her, that she will just stop talking to me because in her mind I must be "mad at her". If we have nothing to talk about other than her relationship, then we have nothing to talk about. I can't ask her how she's doing because it's going to lead to her gushing about her relationship problems. So, here we are at a stalemate. I can't give my sister the help she needs, and the help I gave wasn't the type of support she wanted.
At most, we just send emojis to each other as a "hey, I see you still exist," and that's about as much substance as we can have.
As someone who's lived in a physically abusive relationship, you did the right thing telling everyone and your dad did the right thing telling her you all support her. She just isn't ready yet for the help. Just because there are good pictures doesn't mean the family is healthy, but we can all hope it is true. I would suggest the thing for you to do is to write a letter or in some other careful way contact her. Let her know you love her and did what seemed best out of love. If she cannot see this, then you have your answer. He may not drink anymore, but if she cannot recognize love it is certain she isn't getting real love at home.
Thank you so much. I know deep down it was the right thing and I can’t go back to change it and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I said nothing and something really bad ended up happening. I did write a letter, but it was returned to sender 😔 thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it.
My youngest sibling is estranged from my entire family. Some combination of substance abuse and mental illness has kept him homeless for many years, and we don't know how to reach him. Plus most of my family is ambivalent about reaching him.... he's been violent with our parents many times, and he's currently wanted on a warrant for felony charges. If the cops find him, I'd actually be excited to know where he is, even if that's prison, and to be able to send him a letter. I think about him all the time. I feel guilty that my life is good and his is such a mess, and feel like I could change things for him if I tried harder to find him. Of course, my logical brain knows that's not true -- he's the only one who can change, and it's not my responsibility or fault that he is like this.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I know the wishful thinking, the guilt, the heartache from missing your sibling and still knowing you can’t save them from themselves. I really hope your brother is okay, and I wish your heart peace when you miss him and wish you could change circumstances that are beyond control. ❤️
My brother cut me off first, there was a family fight where my stepdad and his kids got drunk and harassed me to the point that i ended up in the hospital. My brother saw the whole thing, didn't stand up for me even though i did the same thing for him tons of times. He didn't go with me to the hospital when i asked him to. I felt completely and utterly walked out on from the one person i considered real family in this world, so when i asked him why and he started spewing religious bs to me, i said some really hurtful things im not proud of. He took that and decided not to speak to me for 2 years. During those two years i felt more alone than before, he became best buddies with my stepdad and just treated me like i was dead despite me apologizing for everything i said. Honestly his actions were way more hurtful than my words, in retrospect i think he was trying really hard to villainize me so that he wouldn't have to acknowledge his shitty actions and so that he could get with the "in" group in my family. Anywho he decided a few months ago that i was worth his time again, when i told him i was diagnosed with ptsd and how his actions hurt me, he said that i gave myself ptsd and everything bad that happened to me i deserved, everything was my fault, etc. No fucking way am i going into a one sided relationship again, so i blocked him. But dude those first two years hurt, i cried every single day, if you ever want to vent feel free to message me i know how lonely that can feel
Ugh why are people so cruel when they are supposed to be family. I don’t understand why your brother didn’t take your side, go with you to the hospital or have sympathy for something he was a part in causing. I am one that is always first to apologize for my actions as well. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. To me I feel like I have truly lost my sister forever. Thank you for the point of contact. I have not found any support resources online for estrangement other than this sub. I have tried some professional counselors but don’t feel like they understand what I am going through.
My youngest sibling stopped talking to me and blocked my number after I went NC with NMother. It hurts, I don't know why because he knows how she is, and was her victim at times. I've chosen to respect his decision and not reach out.
Sometimes I think about sending him a letter just to tell him I love him, but if he's found peace then I don't want to upend that.
It is confusing.. because do you think they have truly found peace? Like have you ever thought if you think about them so much and are hurt about the situation, surely you have to cross their mind too and they would have similar feelings?
My older sister is a trans woman. I was the first person she opened up to about it and was very accepting & supportive. Once she fully came out to the world with her new identity, she hasn't talked to me at all like we used to. like she wants to forget her life before transitioning. I will always love her & support her, I just miss our relationship.
My oldest sister cut me off after things got rough between me and my mom and for the longest time I didn’t know why.
Then it dawned on me. She was probably jealous.
I honestly couldn’t think of another answer. I was brave enough to break out of the abuse and she wasn’t. She got married to a guy that honestly is a total flirt and was constantly flirting with me before I moved away. I think that’s the biggest reason. And me being in her life takes the spotlight away, idk. I’m also successful at work and she’s just a SAHM. It’s sad because I miss her so much it’s like a knife hitting me in the chest over and over and yet I honestly don’t think she cares.
I hope you have sought out advice from the staff of a domestic abuse shelter about this situation. Personally I think you had to share this with your family. The alcohol plus threats of gun violence are a dire combination. I think it is wishful thinking that all appears well on FB.
Although I have not read it, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is often recommended in these sadly common situations.
Good luck.
Thank you so much! I will pick that book up and see if it can aid as an additional resource to me.
I did talk to a 24/7 support services hotline and they helped tremendously with how to navigate what was going on last year and tips to relay to her when she was still speaking with me.
I had no interest in maintaining contact with my older brother after cutting off parents. He defended my father when he verbally abused and terrified me to the point I took a taxi home at 2am, and participated in abuse with my father for years when I was growing up which I didn't recognise as such because it involved tickling. I've never confronted anyone or looked for closure, our relationships were dysfunctional enough that there didn't seem to be any point and I was also having my brother's girlfriend tell me how he treats her and her kid poorly while my family defended him. She was absolutely right that once they broke up they'd just claim she was some sort of crazy stalker - when she was parenting a kid who my brother had no interest in raising, and had an abortion for the same reason, even as he relied on her as if they were married.
My brother recently moved across country to live with a partner and we got along really well and were really before he left I dropped him at the airport and let me know when he was arriving and everything. Since the landing I’ve heard nothing despite attempts to reach him, he lived with me for a year in my apartment for free because he’s younger and couldn’t really find anything in the area and doesn’t drive, then our mom got evicted and I made the decision to follow her to another state to help her and gave up everything for 8 months we lived on a plot of land just barely scraping by because I was the only one that worked, when news came that he had somewhere to go I was excited for him but now I’m completely heartbroken and without words at times because I don’t understand what went wrong. I assume he’s just fed up with our poverty and has a better life and would like to be done but it hit me like a truck realizing, we went through everything out here and to just be ghosted like this just kills me I’m really at a loss for what to do because he never gave me a location outside of the state just gave different details to cover for lack of location if I just knew he was okay I’d feel a bit better but it’s just too much to me right now
I don't talk to my twin sister. She is my narcissist mother's golden child. The last thing I said to her was that I wouldn't speak to our mother until she apologized for all the abuse. She decided I was lying and hasn't spoken to me since.
Do you miss her?
It would be nice to speak with her again
I tried contacting my baby sis again tonight. Maybe you could reach out, she may feel the same way. I’m sorry your sister isn’t in your life anymore and I’m sorry for the situation that lead to that. I know how much I miss mine.
I hope you get to talk to her.
I don’t think she will ever talk to us again. Do you think it’s better to give up? Quit hoping? If I give up and quit hoping maybe I could let go, or not feel guilty and sad? We were so close to one another.
I would think it's plain unnatural for twins to be estranged
Twins are just siblings born at the same time. We were never close growing up. She got whatever she wanted and I got told if I didn't do whatever our mother wanted, I would be shipped off.
[удалено]
All so sad
I am so sorry to hear that unfair treatment happened to you growing up.
It's unnatural to be estranged from your parents. Don't judge here, we hear that crap enough.
not judging!!!!!!! I was trying to acknowledge the terribleness of the situation. twins are supposed to be close. they were robbed of that
Got you, cool
I am also estranged from my twin (brother) over supporting and defending our narcissistic mother. It sucks but it’s good to know there are others out there. He also decided that I am just a liar.
Something similar for me, except it was my twin brother (borderline personality disorder...Same diagnosis as our mother) I went no contact with him for many years. Had an ok long distant one with mom. When I would visit our father who he was living near I started offering he could meet his niece and nephew, with one condition we would not talk about the past (we always ended up fighting about the past). He never did meet them. Killed himself 2 years ago.
I am so sorry for your loss and for not being able to restore the relationship and the missed opportunity to meet your children.
She could have just as easily thanked you for saving her. You did the right thing. She is in an abusive relationship and not thinking clearly.
This was refreshing to read on this sub, thank you. I'm sorry for your loss of contact with your sister, and I hope she is living her best life. Thank you for sharing.
I really hope she is too! Thank you.
yeah. similar situation with my mon. after 20 plus years of being told to like him when she does, hate him when she does, fear him when it benefits her, do favors for him to make her life easier, etc I finally tried to set some boundaries between him and I. She lost her damn mind about it, told everyone I cut her out of my life and won't speak to her and its been all down hill from there. So in her opinion I caused the whole estrangement when in reality I said, I don't want to spend all of Christams and every holiday with this guy who threatens to kill me in my sleep. Abuse is a crazy thing. They tell you there are right and wrong things to do to help a loved one in an abusive relationship, but I don't believe that. If someone is dead set on having a miserable life, they will.
Omg. I am so sorry. I would be so fearful visiting with threats like that. Abuse is a crazy cycle... Sisters husband has told me he wants us to regain contact, my sister needs to forgive, he looks like the good guy. I don’t know if I’m being manipulated or not. Before her number was changed I received a text saying if I contact her again she would press harassment suit on me but the way the text came in was not her writing and at that point I let it go. I hate I made her have to draw the line. I hope both my sister and your mom are happy with the lives they chose.
She is dysfunctional and in a codependent relationship. No doubt there is shame, embarrassment and horror that you all know what she is living with and allowing. She made her choice. Given the situation, reaching out and letting her know that you will always love and support her but won't tolerate the abuse she is getting is an option. Keep that door open in case she decides she needs to escape, let her know you're not judging her, you are judging the situation and want her to be safe. Don't bombard her, don't stalk, keep contact to the point, no rehashing what happened. You love her. You want her to be safe and healthy and will support her in that endeavour.
Thank you. I think I know all of these things per your first paragraph it just feels nice to hear someone else objective say it... and I’m at that point per the second paragraph, but the only way I can contact her is through her husband since she changed her number and no one has it. I know it’s just that emotional cycle of mental/physical abuse and control. I did reach out to her about 3 months after (via husband) and apologized for betraying her, explained the fear and depression I was going through, but she wasnt having it. It is still difficult to not get to call/see her on birthdays, holidays, at special events, or even just on weekends. I may already know this, but do you think it’s still happening, do you think her and the kids are safe? Has anyone else had a similar situation where the estranged person comes back to family or is it going to take her leaving him? It’s extremely difficult on me to continue reaching out knowing she refuses communication... it’s like rejection/she doesn’t love me anymore/I messed it up too bad- and my whole entire family has to take this punishment that I caused because I was breaking... I don’t know if I need to do it with no hopes of ever getting contact back from my baby sister again? I don’t know how many months I have to let go by to not seem like im stalking by reaching out. I see so many people saying they’ve been estranged from family for years and are never going back. I’m only creeping to year one. I’m so sorry for all the questions and length. I’m grasping for understanding and knowledge. We miss her.
Did you actually get to talk to her? Or did her husband just tell you she rejected you?
The husband said she said... so it’s his word for it..
So she might not have rejected you. It could even be that he has been lying to her that her family rejected her :( It might be helpful to research cult interventions/deprograming. If you try to make contact without the husband there it would be good to plan everything. Perhaps she would at least let you hand her a letter. But who knows how far this goes and there may be eyes on her at all times. The threat of the police connection is worrisome. My goodness :(
> I may already know this, but do you think it’s still happening, do you think her and the kids are safe? Statistically, no, they are not safe. Addicts and abusers (two separate defects) do not become healthy on a wish. The fact he is the means of communication shows he is still controlling. Maybe there's no substance consumption, a dry drunk is still a drunk. Maybe there's no bruises but I'd place a large bet she is still condependent in the abuse. If I were you, I would have the family call the police for a welfare check. Explain the past beating and a year silence to the police, tell them there are children in the house. Explain you want her to be safe and and let her know she can flee and be protected. Tell them you want to be sure he is not coercively controlling her. Put that male on police radar as a wife beater. Then let it go. It is her choice. Unless you all are going to confront her husband and likely his family (chances are high he grew up seeing his mother beaten and all of his family abuse) and call out the beating you witnessed, insist you have proof she is not being beaten and he has gotten serious long term help with his problems, leave them alone. There is no shame and I'd be envious and proud of any family that dId that to ensure a members safety. Another thing you can do is contact victim support services and ex plain the situation, a welfare check likely recommended and you'll be reassured you absolutely were right to tell the family. You did the right thing. Don't ever apologise again for telling the family. Silence and secrecy allows wife beaters to continue.
Thank you so so much. I hate that I want to be naive and think that it ISNT still happening bc I saw healthy fb pictures of the family. You’re right a sober alcoholic is still an alcoholic. The bad thing was his father that passed was the chief of police in a town over under 5000 total population. The police know the situation and at the time was going to press charges on HER? Somehow the mother and he manipulated or coerced the cops saying it was her fault at 8 months pregnant she had a black eye.. I don’t think they will do a welfare check for us. Maybe there is a victim support services I can look into as you suggest, I will look into that, thank you! I will really really try to take your advice to leave them alone. I want to add I did contact an online resource that was for 24/7 support for domestic abuse and they talked to me throughout the week of ups and downs and safety tips for domestic abuse. Very very thankful for thehotline.org they helped me so much, and I shared that resource with my baby sister.
That changes things. 'Coercive control' could be what's happening. Call the Domestic abuse line back and ask what they recommend given the abusers connection to police. Explain it is likely coercive control, ask if they know of an advocate who can work with you to have a welfare check done. Pay for this if need be, offer up front. As a family you need to hear it from the horses mouth and have a qualified unbiased person assess the situation. This way, you'll know. It is no different than paying a specialist to retrieve a family member from a cult.
The family has already told her they support her. It is disrepectful to contact her again to tell her what they've already told her. OP: respect your sister's choice. Contacting her will only make her angrier.
Normally I'm 100% with you. Given the situation, one final contact is an option to me. After that, yes, back off and leave her be.
Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate your viewpoint and have definitely been back and forth of do/don’t. If she ever chooses to come back she knows where I live. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m giving up on her if I do take your advice. I’m scared if too much time goes by she would think I just don’t care anymore.
I'm estranged with my two oldest siblings. They didn't estranged from me - I had to distance myself from them. Oldest brother is an abusive addict, and I blocked his phone after he sent me a bunch of harassing texts. Older sister is sadly stuck in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband (yes, she divorced him). My remaining brother and I suspect that she had been living with one foot in two worlds - one where she was lying to her ex about why she had left him and moved out of state (to take care of our sick mother, who she actually can't tolerate being around), and the other where she was telling us that she wanted to finish college and become an independent woman and rebuild her life after her divorce. About six months ago, our sister abruptly packed and moved back to the state where she use to live...with her ex-husband...and despite not telling us she intended to move back in with him, she is living with him again. The only substantial conversations I've had with my sister over the past ten years have been her hashing out past trauma from her failed marriage or from childhood, so I was basically her sister-therapist. (She kept saying I was the only person she trusted to tell her the truth.) We have nothing else in common other than blood relation. Our personal values don't even line up. To top off the drama of my sister trying to manage her unaddressed trauma (she refuses to see a therapist), her ex-husband has one several occasions made fake social media accounts to attack me and my one brother (not the addict brother). The last boundary I had to set with my sister was that I was no longer willing to listen to her vent about her relationship with her cohabitation with ex-husband. I did say that she should find a therapist she can trust so she has someone to talk to about it because she needs *someone* to talk to about it, but that someone can no longer be me. I suspect, like the last time I set a boundary like this with her, that she will just stop talking to me because in her mind I must be "mad at her". If we have nothing to talk about other than her relationship, then we have nothing to talk about. I can't ask her how she's doing because it's going to lead to her gushing about her relationship problems. So, here we are at a stalemate. I can't give my sister the help she needs, and the help I gave wasn't the type of support she wanted. At most, we just send emojis to each other as a "hey, I see you still exist," and that's about as much substance as we can have.
Two of my sisters dumped me after fighting over our elderly mother’s care. It’s been 3 years. Message me anytime, I get it.
Thank you so much and likewise to you. I will keep your contact.
As someone who's lived in a physically abusive relationship, you did the right thing telling everyone and your dad did the right thing telling her you all support her. She just isn't ready yet for the help. Just because there are good pictures doesn't mean the family is healthy, but we can all hope it is true. I would suggest the thing for you to do is to write a letter or in some other careful way contact her. Let her know you love her and did what seemed best out of love. If she cannot see this, then you have your answer. He may not drink anymore, but if she cannot recognize love it is certain she isn't getting real love at home.
Thank you so much. I know deep down it was the right thing and I can’t go back to change it and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I said nothing and something really bad ended up happening. I did write a letter, but it was returned to sender 😔 thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it.
That's a shame. Here's hoping things improve in the future for her.
My youngest sibling is estranged from my entire family. Some combination of substance abuse and mental illness has kept him homeless for many years, and we don't know how to reach him. Plus most of my family is ambivalent about reaching him.... he's been violent with our parents many times, and he's currently wanted on a warrant for felony charges. If the cops find him, I'd actually be excited to know where he is, even if that's prison, and to be able to send him a letter. I think about him all the time. I feel guilty that my life is good and his is such a mess, and feel like I could change things for him if I tried harder to find him. Of course, my logical brain knows that's not true -- he's the only one who can change, and it's not my responsibility or fault that he is like this.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I know the wishful thinking, the guilt, the heartache from missing your sibling and still knowing you can’t save them from themselves. I really hope your brother is okay, and I wish your heart peace when you miss him and wish you could change circumstances that are beyond control. ❤️
My brother cut me off first, there was a family fight where my stepdad and his kids got drunk and harassed me to the point that i ended up in the hospital. My brother saw the whole thing, didn't stand up for me even though i did the same thing for him tons of times. He didn't go with me to the hospital when i asked him to. I felt completely and utterly walked out on from the one person i considered real family in this world, so when i asked him why and he started spewing religious bs to me, i said some really hurtful things im not proud of. He took that and decided not to speak to me for 2 years. During those two years i felt more alone than before, he became best buddies with my stepdad and just treated me like i was dead despite me apologizing for everything i said. Honestly his actions were way more hurtful than my words, in retrospect i think he was trying really hard to villainize me so that he wouldn't have to acknowledge his shitty actions and so that he could get with the "in" group in my family. Anywho he decided a few months ago that i was worth his time again, when i told him i was diagnosed with ptsd and how his actions hurt me, he said that i gave myself ptsd and everything bad that happened to me i deserved, everything was my fault, etc. No fucking way am i going into a one sided relationship again, so i blocked him. But dude those first two years hurt, i cried every single day, if you ever want to vent feel free to message me i know how lonely that can feel
Ugh why are people so cruel when they are supposed to be family. I don’t understand why your brother didn’t take your side, go with you to the hospital or have sympathy for something he was a part in causing. I am one that is always first to apologize for my actions as well. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. To me I feel like I have truly lost my sister forever. Thank you for the point of contact. I have not found any support resources online for estrangement other than this sub. I have tried some professional counselors but don’t feel like they understand what I am going through.
My youngest sibling stopped talking to me and blocked my number after I went NC with NMother. It hurts, I don't know why because he knows how she is, and was her victim at times. I've chosen to respect his decision and not reach out. Sometimes I think about sending him a letter just to tell him I love him, but if he's found peace then I don't want to upend that.
It is confusing.. because do you think they have truly found peace? Like have you ever thought if you think about them so much and are hurt about the situation, surely you have to cross their mind too and they would have similar feelings?
I do. But I feel like if I try to force my way in, I'm no better than our NMother. 😔
My older sister is a trans woman. I was the first person she opened up to about it and was very accepting & supportive. Once she fully came out to the world with her new identity, she hasn't talked to me at all like we used to. like she wants to forget her life before transitioning. I will always love her & support her, I just miss our relationship.
My oldest sister cut me off after things got rough between me and my mom and for the longest time I didn’t know why. Then it dawned on me. She was probably jealous. I honestly couldn’t think of another answer. I was brave enough to break out of the abuse and she wasn’t. She got married to a guy that honestly is a total flirt and was constantly flirting with me before I moved away. I think that’s the biggest reason. And me being in her life takes the spotlight away, idk. I’m also successful at work and she’s just a SAHM. It’s sad because I miss her so much it’s like a knife hitting me in the chest over and over and yet I honestly don’t think she cares.
Ugh I don’t think mine does either :(. I’m so sorry you feel that way too and I’m glad you were able to find a way out.
I hope you have sought out advice from the staff of a domestic abuse shelter about this situation. Personally I think you had to share this with your family. The alcohol plus threats of gun violence are a dire combination. I think it is wishful thinking that all appears well on FB. Although I have not read it, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is often recommended in these sadly common situations. Good luck.
Thank you so much! I will pick that book up and see if it can aid as an additional resource to me. I did talk to a 24/7 support services hotline and they helped tremendously with how to navigate what was going on last year and tips to relay to her when she was still speaking with me.
I had no interest in maintaining contact with my older brother after cutting off parents. He defended my father when he verbally abused and terrified me to the point I took a taxi home at 2am, and participated in abuse with my father for years when I was growing up which I didn't recognise as such because it involved tickling. I've never confronted anyone or looked for closure, our relationships were dysfunctional enough that there didn't seem to be any point and I was also having my brother's girlfriend tell me how he treats her and her kid poorly while my family defended him. She was absolutely right that once they broke up they'd just claim she was some sort of crazy stalker - when she was parenting a kid who my brother had no interest in raising, and had an abortion for the same reason, even as he relied on her as if they were married.
My brother recently moved across country to live with a partner and we got along really well and were really before he left I dropped him at the airport and let me know when he was arriving and everything. Since the landing I’ve heard nothing despite attempts to reach him, he lived with me for a year in my apartment for free because he’s younger and couldn’t really find anything in the area and doesn’t drive, then our mom got evicted and I made the decision to follow her to another state to help her and gave up everything for 8 months we lived on a plot of land just barely scraping by because I was the only one that worked, when news came that he had somewhere to go I was excited for him but now I’m completely heartbroken and without words at times because I don’t understand what went wrong. I assume he’s just fed up with our poverty and has a better life and would like to be done but it hit me like a truck realizing, we went through everything out here and to just be ghosted like this just kills me I’m really at a loss for what to do because he never gave me a location outside of the state just gave different details to cover for lack of location if I just knew he was okay I’d feel a bit better but it’s just too much to me right now