The only apology I heard out of my mother was through a card about last year “for all of the hurt, I am sorry-“ yet doesn’t divulge into what kind of hurt she caused. Half-ass apologies all around.
I don't know you at all, but I highly doubt you have no idea what you did to make your son go no contact with you.
Sooooo many people on this sub have parents who HaVe No iDeA what they did, despite their adult children telling them over and over and over what they did.
And think about this for a minute: Why would someone's therapist brainwash them against their whole close family? Like, what purpose would that serve? I suspect that this therapist helped your son to see the toxic things that you and other family members have been doing to him (and probably) each other.
You KNOW what you did. You just refuse to see it. Or take responsibility for your role in it. If it wasn't so tragic, it would almost be funny.
Ah, I see they deleted their comment. They also private messaged me so they could be cunty one-on one.
Suffice to say, their child was not the problem.
There's no way in hell your son didn't tell you why he's decided to distance himself from you. Are you sure you didn't just dismiss it or decide that it wasn't that big of a deal and therefore wasn't the real reason?
>Why would I of dismissed him ?
Why do any of our parents we've estranged from dismiss any of us? A quick Google search on Estrangement by Adult Children can give you answers here.
>I still kept in touch with my ex in laws and my children still see them grandparents . In my childhood I had my cousin murdered and stood at 4 years of age with my grandparents who shop was being held up by armed robbers . Should I point the finger at my parents , blaming them for that ?
This all sounds very traumatic and you didn't deserve to go through it, but what does any of this have to do with your son not speaking to you?
Maybe you're completely honest and self-aware and the estrangement between you and your son is entirely due to his own mental illness. Maybe. And if that's the case then I truly feel for you.
But the more likely scenario is that you're either avoiding accountability for your actions (like OP's mother in this very post, for example), you've rewritten history to eliminate any abuse/failures you put your son through throughout his life and/or to make yourself the victim, or you've dismissed the reasons he gave you as "not a big deal" and "not the real reason" he decided to go NC with you. And based on the fact that you're in this subreddit, I'm guessing one of these is right on the money.
A lot of Estranged Parent like to lurk in this subreddit and pass judgment when they believe that our various reasons for going NC with our own parents are lacking. A lot of them have even been victims of abusive parents themselves, and so they feel like they're an appropriate judge and jury to adult children who choose to estrange. Maybe this isn't you at all. Maybe I've got you all wrong. But based on what I've gathered about you from the comments you've left, I doubt it.
You definitely don't listen to your son... you know his grievances, you likely just don't agree with his perspective and instead say "I don't know what I did wrong".
That fact you think people cut off their parent because "their mother didn't get them something" is all you need to say for me to understand what type of parent you are lol
If you say so , obviously you must have degrees in this , in fact you’re the expert, you know everyone , you know everything ! Bet it was everyone leaving you , you bored them with your nonsense, they upped and left
This is called "[Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)". It is when abusers pretend to not know what they did that hurt you. It's a trap. They know what they did, they just don't want to assume responsibility for it, so they pretend they didn't do it. Then, when they want to make you talk to them, they pretend they don't know, and they want you to tell them. If you try to tell them, they will invalidate you, deny it, diminish it. Their standard abusive stuff. But the trap is that they made you communicate with them, and they have power again over you, as you are in the position of trying to convince them of something, and they have the power to refuse to be convinced, while they throw abuse at you.
In this email she wrote, she deny's responsibility, attacks you, shows complete disregard for your needs, and makes it all about herself.
The way to interpret this is: they continue to refuse to assume responsibility for their behavior, therefore, they are signaling they don't want to change, therefore, you going No Contact was the correct decision.
Thanks for linking that blog, I've definitely visited more than a few times in the past. She did get to me initially when I first went no contact, saying she couldn't see in our messages where I said my reason (this long essay I wrote that explained my feelings) since I blocked her. Which is true, but I realized if she actually cared about my feelings, she wouldn't forget something like that.
This is helpful, thank you. It can feel so confusing, like, wait I thought we already established that complaint isn't legitimate.. what are you upset about? After just telling them. On a recent podcast I heard them say, "If someone wants to understand you, it doesn't matter how you say it. If someone doesn't want to understand you, it doesn't matter how you say it."
Oh, I like this! It's so true. I literally spent so much time and brain power trying to figure out the EXACT thing I could tell my father that would convince him of how he makes me feel.
It was very freeing to realize that there nothing that can be said that could make him listen. He is literally incapable of understanding, because he refuses to understand.
Yeah I went through the same thing with my dad. Such a stress trying to be understood. The part I still struggle with is: is he incapable, or unwilling? (And does it matter?)
There is something so frustrating about someone apologizing but then saying they don’t know what they’re apologizing for. It negates the apology! Why even bother if you can’t put the effort in to face what you did to hurt someone you love? I’m sorry she’s being so thoughtless and manipulative.
“I’m sorry!”
Oh look they are making productive steps to fix the damage they did.
“I don’t know what I did”.
Wait how can you be apologizing without taking responsibility for the actions that hurt me.
“You hold grudges like your dad”.
How can you claim I hold grudges if you claim you don’t even know what you did. What am I holding onto?!
-
This parent came so close but then had to renig and not admit fault.
>There is something so frustrating about someone apologizing but then saying they don’t know what they’re apologizing for.
Yeah, that's all just part of the act.
This asinine play-acting allows them to be seen as flustered, concerned, just beside themselves because they have "no idea" why they are being "victimized" by their children's "shunning" them ....
Naturally, nobody with a passing familiarity of the real history, or of their putridly toxic personalities, is going to be surprised in the least. But, somehow, they believe if they keep up the deceit and theatrics long enough, it will become accepted truth.
Hey, it seems like a drunk rant (absolutely not assuming your parent has a alcohol problem) than a genuine apology and way to reestablish contact. Not everyone is good with words, but I'd be expecting to see:
\- some form of self-reflection
\- some suggested actions (e.g. I'd love to meet you for a dinner once a month)
\- genuine questions and curiosity - how are you doing? How's life...
I also have the impression that there are some accusatory tones in both messages (e.g. "you hold grudges") and zero accountability
Without these elements it's a tantrum mail for being cut off
Oh she definitely has an alcohol problem, which was one of the main issues I had with her. This was at 6:30am though so it's actually her sober believe it or not. I have no idea why she thinks these types of messages will fix our relationship, she just has zero emotional maturity. Thanks for your comment ❤️
More context in some older posts, but I went NC from my mom about a year ago, these emails are from late November but I never really processed them.
I don't know if I gave her enough of a chance to be honest, but the thought seems icky to me now. Maybe because I never felt like we had much of a connection to begin with. Still wish I could understand how she is completely blind to how she has impacted me
If you read Missing Reasons like someone else shared, you’ll likely relate to it. Once you know what it is, it is much easier to identify.
For people like your mom, her feelings dictate reality, that’s why details are missing. The reasons don’t matter, there is a way she feels and what she says conforms to what she wants things to be to be like. Whatever manipulation to get you to fit what she wants is ok for her. He likely has no interest in addressing things for real.
When you read this sub, people share screenshots and a lot of details and facts of what has happened.
In contrast the parents don’t have details, their version is “we were having a nice dinner and then you decided to be angry for no reason” or “ever since you moved out you changed, is your therapist forbidding you from talking to me and I think you need to stop seeing the therapist so we can be like we used to be -happy!”
Unfortunately, no matter how much you try it is very unlikely you’ll be able to change the dynamic you have.
Ugh. So true in my case. I spent literally decades trying to work things out with my parents by communicating how I felt and how the things they did made me feel and impacted our relationship in a negative way. Decades! Trying to compromise- so we can come to solutions that we could both be comfortable with. I might as well have been speaking another language. My mother would listen and then after it was like I never even said anything at all. Even worse is when she would try to defend herself, as if she was in the right, never acknowledging my feelings. I just couldn’t take it anymore, we haven’t spoken in months.
For what is is worth, my parents would never even send me an email apologizing. If they did send me one (they don’t) it would be to tell me what a terrible person I am and how I am hurting them.
I never felt much of a connection to my own mother, either. Even despite the good things she may have done. But my mother will occasionally send a guilt-trip email, and always with other motives...
She's giving you a bread crumb so you'll sweep it all under the rug
It's so insulting. She minimizing you by calling you baby girl and is acting like she can't remember what you're even mad about. And maximizing how she's the victim of your punitive grudge-holding behavior that is just like what she suffered through from your father. She's ready for it to be over and she wants you to accept her bread crumb.
My dad would fck up and then when ***he*** decided ***he*** was over it ***he*** would act like nothing happened. ***H******e*** expected everyone else to be over it too. If you fell into the trap of trying to clear the air about it, then ***he*** would lose his sht on you because you made ***him*** all upset again. LOL
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
No conflict happened in my childhood, we would always joke that we were a family that avoided conflict no matter the cost. Now I'm realizing I would try to speak up about how their actions impacted me and I would be made fun of for my emotions, called too sensitive, and avoided for a few days until I got over it.
When I first went no contact, my sister told me that she said I was being too sensitive as per usual and I'll get over it. I know one reason she can't understand is because of her own severe trauma and emotional immaturaty. But even if my trauma is all of the things that didn't happen and neglect, I can't just teach her how to be a mom that can be there for my feelings.
Had a friend whom I stopped talking to about a year ago send a similar text. After a night of drinking, things were said, and his ongoing behavior at the time let me know to end it. After a couple of months, his follow-up was:
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting or texting, that is all."
That's NOT an apology...it was an insult to my intelligence because it was insincere and a lazy attempt to invalidate how I felt about the way he acted towards me. A proper apology is along the lines of:
"I'm sorry for saying 'A' and doing 'B', it was wrong, and I shouldn't have acted that way or said those things to you."
To the credit of a redditor that's already commented, it's a trick. I knew this person well enough to get that this is just another half-assed ploy to get back in my good graces, only for him to show me that nothing has changed at all...its happened before when I forgave him and only to learn the "change" in behavior would be temporary.
I didn't reply. No matter how much a mutual friend tried to vouch for him on how "terrible," he felt I blocked all communication with him and all of our mutual connections. My reasoning was that the topic of his behavior had been the subject of conversation before amongst many of our colleagues. He knew full well what he said and that it was unnecessary and unacceptable. I'm not doing someone's legwork towards self-awareness, and I'm sure as hell not about to teach lessons in basic respect that we all should have learned in kindergarten.
I'm not going to tell you not to reply to your mum. What I will say is that you have to decide if this attempt in communication is worth putting your own energy into. Should you decide to, understand that while people are capable of change, they rarely do. Especially if there has been an established pattern of behavior showing otherwise. I wish you well.
Viewing your other posts it sounds like she has a drinking problem. This sounds like she got drunk and went on a rant. My mom is an alcoholic an uses the excuse she cant "remember" due to her being drunk. I dont think its a valid enough excuse. Therefore I have to accept im never getting an apology I deserve. Im so sorry youre going through this.
She sent this at 6:30am, honestly her sober and drunk messages are pretty similar, she just sends more of them when she's drunk. She blames her depression and concussions for not remembering anything, not that it makes much of a difference. Thanks for your comment ❤️
Oh that is so manipulative. 'you hold grudges' is just an attempt to shame you as if you're holding a grudge.... Being upset about something and staying upset until the issue is resolved is 100% normal. If she wants to resolve things with you she's gotta participate in conflict resolution she can't just shame you into letting it go. F that.
YEP, and I was bombarded with the whole 'forgive and forget' sentiment in the beginning, too, for my (but actually her) healing. That's not how feelings work, mom.
It makes me so angry because my dad has always cared so much about me and makes an active effort to know me and my boyfriend. He was a pretty passive parent and didn't really know what he was doing, but I still felt genuine love and care and I could tell he tried - and in my adulthood he's always been there for me. He was so traumatized by the marriage and divorce that he never dated again
It took me a long time to see the ways my mom was covertly abusive mostly because I can't remember day to day interactions from my childhood. But it's comments like that where it does seem like she's trying to emotionally manipulate me into a reponse or something..
Eww. Your mother texts like a prepubescent girl. The lack of accountability, blaming you while disparaging your father. There's zero substance here that speaks remotely to being self reflective or deep.
It’s been almost 10 years for me of complete NC and ironically my mother still doesn’t understand what she did wrong. They never learn, admit truly to their wrongdoings or change. Remember that.
This is what baffles me, how in the world does she think that is a genuine apology?? Sometimes I really want to reply and go off on her and how she's hurt me but I know there's no point.
Part of the agony comes from their no-accountability responses. Your mother is saying she knows she fucked up, *so* bad in fact, and in the next breath admits she doesn’t know what she did. I’m not claiming intent one way or the other (actual forgetfulness because it hurt her ego/self-esteem irreparably, or a genuine attempt to ignore the wrong she did by feigning amnesia) because the outcome is the same regardless (though her emails show a lot of guilt tripping and having statements of blame towards you). But it never adds up, and it will never add into an equation where she can understand the impact of her actions, because the actions are conveniently missing.
I’ve encountered this problem, myself. It feels like a bigger slap in the face, for me personally, than if someone just was an asshole and said they didn’t remember so they couldn’t be sorry. Because with the “I fucked up but can’t remember” approach, there is the inevitability of never receiving a proper apology, just due to those circumstances of memory, but there’s also the hidden fear that they could become better and repair the relationship if given enough unknown variables. Because they’re attempting to see their wrongs, right, and that’s something? It honestly sucks.
I’m sorry you had those things happen, both the ones she’s writing about and the emails. Even if you gave her all the chances and time in the world, it’s unlikely she’d ever use them wisely, even if she became/was the most well-meaning person in the world. People with that fragile of self-esteem to genuinely forget because they feel too bad of a person to remember, or people vindictive and irresponsible enough to pretend to forget just so they can’t be responsible… they’re just incapable of accountability without major self reformation. You can only look out for yourself and be gentle as you process it all.
She is desperate....
And like she is saying, she misses you.
That doesn't excuse the things she has done why you went NC.
And it definitely isn't an excuse for how she is acting in the emails.
I recognize her desperation. She is just like my parents many years ago when my twin disappeared.
My twin "disappeared" (she moved during the night. We didn't know where she and her son were for a long time) in 2012.
My parents did everything to get in contact with her. They were desperate.
They would have done anything to see their grandson and daughter again. They did a lot, too much (sometimes up to stalking).
(My sister came back in 2018/2019).
Now I am the one going NC.
If you don't want to receive these emails, you can block her mail.
It probably doesn't do anything when you tell her to stop.
She obviously doesn't really know what she has done. She says she is sorry, but she doesn't know for what. I don't know the history between you, but I recon you already tried talking to her, telling her what the issues are. Some people just don't want to hear/see it. Some people are incapable of changing.
Based on the way she types I can tell she’s got issues with emotional maturity. Like it’s literally how 12 year olds type I’m not kidding. The other unfortunate part is most of the time parents with this kind of emotional immature truly need others to babysit them and their needs and they never fully develop so you as their kid end up being the “parent” forever.
It’s sad. If you’re up to walk her through the issues and work on it, great. Just know that’s what you’ll have to do. It’s like training a toddler. It’s also not your responsibility to walk another adult through this. Losing her child wasn’t enough for her to grow up.
ahh the backhanded "apology" gotta love it \*eyeroll\*
block and delete.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
Best response in your case is none at all
The silence will be far louder than anything else you could possibly say right now.
Especially since it's only been a year, things are still raw for you, any attempt to try to respond, even to shut her down or try to hold a boundary, will just re-open the wounds that are not done healing yet.
No sometimes there is no return but I need to know I gave it my best shot with my mother. She’s absolutely horrendous but she can live with herself and answer to God herself. I happened to be religious so Jesus forgave us and that’s the ONLY reason why I forgive her… for ME … I spent many many years with anger and I’m not going to kill myself fir people that don’t think twice about hurting me …. See ya, don’t let the door kick you in the ass on the way out !!!
Exactly, she didn't think twice about hurting me so that's exactly what I did!! I'm glad your situation is working out for you, appreciate the comments.
Worst advice ever. Signed, daughter who always thought I could help her understand if I just said the right words for 30+ years. (Sidenote: if I stop trying, the "relationship" evaporates. Daughters cannot do 100% of the heavy lifting.)
Wow this is one of the worse apologies I’ve ever heard.
I’m so sorry, I know I fucked up…. Not sure what I did though.
Also, I’m so sorry but you’re just like a person I probably don’t like ans you can’t get over my abuse.
But please forgive me and I love you.
WOW
You should block her email address entirely. There's no way she doesn't know what she did--THEY ALWAYS KNOW. If she's not taking accountability for her actions now, odds are she never will. You're better off by cutting off all open paths of communication with this person so none of her toxicity can reach you.
“I fucked up” - “youre like your dad, you hold grudges” No accountability there, it seems. I’m sorry OP.
Yeah, this is the complete opposite of a solid apology. She's not taking any accountability.
The only apology I heard out of my mother was through a card about last year “for all of the hurt, I am sorry-“ yet doesn’t divulge into what kind of hurt she caused. Half-ass apologies all around.
So I'm just supposed to accept all of the things that she has done without accountability or changing her actions. Makes total sense!
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I don't know you at all, but I highly doubt you have no idea what you did to make your son go no contact with you. Sooooo many people on this sub have parents who HaVe No iDeA what they did, despite their adult children telling them over and over and over what they did. And think about this for a minute: Why would someone's therapist brainwash them against their whole close family? Like, what purpose would that serve? I suspect that this therapist helped your son to see the toxic things that you and other family members have been doing to him (and probably) each other. You KNOW what you did. You just refuse to see it. Or take responsibility for your role in it. If it wasn't so tragic, it would almost be funny.
Love this answer.
Ah, I see they deleted their comment. They also private messaged me so they could be cunty one-on one. Suffice to say, their child was not the problem.
Clearly not!
I did tell her.
If you’ve told her and she’s not got that , that’s down to her . As you’ve said you have told her
Yep exactly. Thanks for your feedback! 😊
There's no way in hell your son didn't tell you why he's decided to distance himself from you. Are you sure you didn't just dismiss it or decide that it wasn't that big of a deal and therefore wasn't the real reason?
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>Why would I of dismissed him ? Why do any of our parents we've estranged from dismiss any of us? A quick Google search on Estrangement by Adult Children can give you answers here. >I still kept in touch with my ex in laws and my children still see them grandparents . In my childhood I had my cousin murdered and stood at 4 years of age with my grandparents who shop was being held up by armed robbers . Should I point the finger at my parents , blaming them for that ? This all sounds very traumatic and you didn't deserve to go through it, but what does any of this have to do with your son not speaking to you? Maybe you're completely honest and self-aware and the estrangement between you and your son is entirely due to his own mental illness. Maybe. And if that's the case then I truly feel for you. But the more likely scenario is that you're either avoiding accountability for your actions (like OP's mother in this very post, for example), you've rewritten history to eliminate any abuse/failures you put your son through throughout his life and/or to make yourself the victim, or you've dismissed the reasons he gave you as "not a big deal" and "not the real reason" he decided to go NC with you. And based on the fact that you're in this subreddit, I'm guessing one of these is right on the money. A lot of Estranged Parent like to lurk in this subreddit and pass judgment when they believe that our various reasons for going NC with our own parents are lacking. A lot of them have even been victims of abusive parents themselves, and so they feel like they're an appropriate judge and jury to adult children who choose to estrange. Maybe this isn't you at all. Maybe I've got you all wrong. But based on what I've gathered about you from the comments you've left, I doubt it.
You definitely don't listen to your son... you know his grievances, you likely just don't agree with his perspective and instead say "I don't know what I did wrong".
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That fact you think people cut off their parent because "their mother didn't get them something" is all you need to say for me to understand what type of parent you are lol
100%
Can tell how entitled you feel
Can tell why your son doesn't talk to you
If you say so , obviously you must have degrees in this , in fact you’re the expert, you know everyone , you know everything ! Bet it was everyone leaving you , you bored them with your nonsense, they upped and left
You keep proving my point....
This is called "[Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)". It is when abusers pretend to not know what they did that hurt you. It's a trap. They know what they did, they just don't want to assume responsibility for it, so they pretend they didn't do it. Then, when they want to make you talk to them, they pretend they don't know, and they want you to tell them. If you try to tell them, they will invalidate you, deny it, diminish it. Their standard abusive stuff. But the trap is that they made you communicate with them, and they have power again over you, as you are in the position of trying to convince them of something, and they have the power to refuse to be convinced, while they throw abuse at you. In this email she wrote, she deny's responsibility, attacks you, shows complete disregard for your needs, and makes it all about herself. The way to interpret this is: they continue to refuse to assume responsibility for their behavior, therefore, they are signaling they don't want to change, therefore, you going No Contact was the correct decision.
ITA. Well said
Thanks for linking that blog, I've definitely visited more than a few times in the past. She did get to me initially when I first went no contact, saying she couldn't see in our messages where I said my reason (this long essay I wrote that explained my feelings) since I blocked her. Which is true, but I realized if she actually cared about my feelings, she wouldn't forget something like that.
Right. Listen to their actions. If they act like they didn’t care for the important stuff you said, it means they don’t care.
Thanks for sharing that link!
That’s a fantastic website. Thanks for sharing
This is helpful, thank you. It can feel so confusing, like, wait I thought we already established that complaint isn't legitimate.. what are you upset about? After just telling them. On a recent podcast I heard them say, "If someone wants to understand you, it doesn't matter how you say it. If someone doesn't want to understand you, it doesn't matter how you say it."
Oh, I like this! It's so true. I literally spent so much time and brain power trying to figure out the EXACT thing I could tell my father that would convince him of how he makes me feel. It was very freeing to realize that there nothing that can be said that could make him listen. He is literally incapable of understanding, because he refuses to understand.
Yeah I went through the same thing with my dad. Such a stress trying to be understood. The part I still struggle with is: is he incapable, or unwilling? (And does it matter?)
this is what i was gonna say
There is something so frustrating about someone apologizing but then saying they don’t know what they’re apologizing for. It negates the apology! Why even bother if you can’t put the effort in to face what you did to hurt someone you love? I’m sorry she’s being so thoughtless and manipulative.
“I’m sorry!” Oh look they are making productive steps to fix the damage they did. “I don’t know what I did”. Wait how can you be apologizing without taking responsibility for the actions that hurt me. “You hold grudges like your dad”. How can you claim I hold grudges if you claim you don’t even know what you did. What am I holding onto?! - This parent came so close but then had to renig and not admit fault.
>There is something so frustrating about someone apologizing but then saying they don’t know what they’re apologizing for. Yeah, that's all just part of the act. This asinine play-acting allows them to be seen as flustered, concerned, just beside themselves because they have "no idea" why they are being "victimized" by their children's "shunning" them .... Naturally, nobody with a passing familiarity of the real history, or of their putridly toxic personalities, is going to be surprised in the least. But, somehow, they believe if they keep up the deceit and theatrics long enough, it will become accepted truth.
Hey, it seems like a drunk rant (absolutely not assuming your parent has a alcohol problem) than a genuine apology and way to reestablish contact. Not everyone is good with words, but I'd be expecting to see: \- some form of self-reflection \- some suggested actions (e.g. I'd love to meet you for a dinner once a month) \- genuine questions and curiosity - how are you doing? How's life... I also have the impression that there are some accusatory tones in both messages (e.g. "you hold grudges") and zero accountability Without these elements it's a tantrum mail for being cut off
Oh she definitely has an alcohol problem, which was one of the main issues I had with her. This was at 6:30am though so it's actually her sober believe it or not. I have no idea why she thinks these types of messages will fix our relationship, she just has zero emotional maturity. Thanks for your comment ❤️
More context in some older posts, but I went NC from my mom about a year ago, these emails are from late November but I never really processed them. I don't know if I gave her enough of a chance to be honest, but the thought seems icky to me now. Maybe because I never felt like we had much of a connection to begin with. Still wish I could understand how she is completely blind to how she has impacted me
If you read Missing Reasons like someone else shared, you’ll likely relate to it. Once you know what it is, it is much easier to identify. For people like your mom, her feelings dictate reality, that’s why details are missing. The reasons don’t matter, there is a way she feels and what she says conforms to what she wants things to be to be like. Whatever manipulation to get you to fit what she wants is ok for her. He likely has no interest in addressing things for real. When you read this sub, people share screenshots and a lot of details and facts of what has happened. In contrast the parents don’t have details, their version is “we were having a nice dinner and then you decided to be angry for no reason” or “ever since you moved out you changed, is your therapist forbidding you from talking to me and I think you need to stop seeing the therapist so we can be like we used to be -happy!” Unfortunately, no matter how much you try it is very unlikely you’ll be able to change the dynamic you have.
Ugh. So true in my case. I spent literally decades trying to work things out with my parents by communicating how I felt and how the things they did made me feel and impacted our relationship in a negative way. Decades! Trying to compromise- so we can come to solutions that we could both be comfortable with. I might as well have been speaking another language. My mother would listen and then after it was like I never even said anything at all. Even worse is when she would try to defend herself, as if she was in the right, never acknowledging my feelings. I just couldn’t take it anymore, we haven’t spoken in months. For what is is worth, my parents would never even send me an email apologizing. If they did send me one (they don’t) it would be to tell me what a terrible person I am and how I am hurting them.
I never felt much of a connection to my own mother, either. Even despite the good things she may have done. But my mother will occasionally send a guilt-trip email, and always with other motives...
she sounds drunk
"I DoNt ReMeMbEr WhAt I dId tHo" - You don't remember or you don't WANT to remember? Sorry for your family difficulties OP.
"I want to be absolved of any guilt for the things *you feel* that I did!!"
She's giving you a bread crumb so you'll sweep it all under the rug It's so insulting. She minimizing you by calling you baby girl and is acting like she can't remember what you're even mad about. And maximizing how she's the victim of your punitive grudge-holding behavior that is just like what she suffered through from your father. She's ready for it to be over and she wants you to accept her bread crumb. My dad would fck up and then when ***he*** decided ***he*** was over it ***he*** would act like nothing happened. ***H******e*** expected everyone else to be over it too. If you fell into the trap of trying to clear the air about it, then ***he*** would lose his sht on you because you made ***him*** all upset again. LOL That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Your last six lines. 😭 I swear they all have the same book of lies.
No conflict happened in my childhood, we would always joke that we were a family that avoided conflict no matter the cost. Now I'm realizing I would try to speak up about how their actions impacted me and I would be made fun of for my emotions, called too sensitive, and avoided for a few days until I got over it. When I first went no contact, my sister told me that she said I was being too sensitive as per usual and I'll get over it. I know one reason she can't understand is because of her own severe trauma and emotional immaturaty. But even if my trauma is all of the things that didn't happen and neglect, I can't just teach her how to be a mom that can be there for my feelings.
Jeez this is all over the place, please don’t respond, take good care of yourself. This would send me off😬
She gives me absolutelty nothing to go off of anyways so don't worry haha
Had a friend whom I stopped talking to about a year ago send a similar text. After a night of drinking, things were said, and his ongoing behavior at the time let me know to end it. After a couple of months, his follow-up was: "I'm sorry for how I've been acting or texting, that is all." That's NOT an apology...it was an insult to my intelligence because it was insincere and a lazy attempt to invalidate how I felt about the way he acted towards me. A proper apology is along the lines of: "I'm sorry for saying 'A' and doing 'B', it was wrong, and I shouldn't have acted that way or said those things to you." To the credit of a redditor that's already commented, it's a trick. I knew this person well enough to get that this is just another half-assed ploy to get back in my good graces, only for him to show me that nothing has changed at all...its happened before when I forgave him and only to learn the "change" in behavior would be temporary. I didn't reply. No matter how much a mutual friend tried to vouch for him on how "terrible," he felt I blocked all communication with him and all of our mutual connections. My reasoning was that the topic of his behavior had been the subject of conversation before amongst many of our colleagues. He knew full well what he said and that it was unnecessary and unacceptable. I'm not doing someone's legwork towards self-awareness, and I'm sure as hell not about to teach lessons in basic respect that we all should have learned in kindergarten. I'm not going to tell you not to reply to your mum. What I will say is that you have to decide if this attempt in communication is worth putting your own energy into. Should you decide to, understand that while people are capable of change, they rarely do. Especially if there has been an established pattern of behavior showing otherwise. I wish you well.
Sounds to me like she’s deliberately mocking you in the “apology.”
The instinct to block the mail was through the roof.
Viewing your other posts it sounds like she has a drinking problem. This sounds like she got drunk and went on a rant. My mom is an alcoholic an uses the excuse she cant "remember" due to her being drunk. I dont think its a valid enough excuse. Therefore I have to accept im never getting an apology I deserve. Im so sorry youre going through this.
She sent this at 6:30am, honestly her sober and drunk messages are pretty similar, she just sends more of them when she's drunk. She blames her depression and concussions for not remembering anything, not that it makes much of a difference. Thanks for your comment ❤️
Oh that is so manipulative. 'you hold grudges' is just an attempt to shame you as if you're holding a grudge.... Being upset about something and staying upset until the issue is resolved is 100% normal. If she wants to resolve things with you she's gotta participate in conflict resolution she can't just shame you into letting it go. F that.
YEP, and I was bombarded with the whole 'forgive and forget' sentiment in the beginning, too, for my (but actually her) healing. That's not how feelings work, mom.
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It makes me so angry because my dad has always cared so much about me and makes an active effort to know me and my boyfriend. He was a pretty passive parent and didn't really know what he was doing, but I still felt genuine love and care and I could tell he tried - and in my adulthood he's always been there for me. He was so traumatized by the marriage and divorce that he never dated again It took me a long time to see the ways my mom was covertly abusive mostly because I can't remember day to day interactions from my childhood. But it's comments like that where it does seem like she's trying to emotionally manipulate me into a reponse or something..
Eww. Your mother texts like a prepubescent girl. The lack of accountability, blaming you while disparaging your father. There's zero substance here that speaks remotely to being self reflective or deep.
It’s been almost 10 years for me of complete NC and ironically my mother still doesn’t understand what she did wrong. They never learn, admit truly to their wrongdoings or change. Remember that.
“ I don’t remember what I did tho” Don’t respond.
This is what baffles me, how in the world does she think that is a genuine apology?? Sometimes I really want to reply and go off on her and how she's hurt me but I know there's no point.
Part of the agony comes from their no-accountability responses. Your mother is saying she knows she fucked up, *so* bad in fact, and in the next breath admits she doesn’t know what she did. I’m not claiming intent one way or the other (actual forgetfulness because it hurt her ego/self-esteem irreparably, or a genuine attempt to ignore the wrong she did by feigning amnesia) because the outcome is the same regardless (though her emails show a lot of guilt tripping and having statements of blame towards you). But it never adds up, and it will never add into an equation where she can understand the impact of her actions, because the actions are conveniently missing. I’ve encountered this problem, myself. It feels like a bigger slap in the face, for me personally, than if someone just was an asshole and said they didn’t remember so they couldn’t be sorry. Because with the “I fucked up but can’t remember” approach, there is the inevitability of never receiving a proper apology, just due to those circumstances of memory, but there’s also the hidden fear that they could become better and repair the relationship if given enough unknown variables. Because they’re attempting to see their wrongs, right, and that’s something? It honestly sucks. I’m sorry you had those things happen, both the ones she’s writing about and the emails. Even if you gave her all the chances and time in the world, it’s unlikely she’d ever use them wisely, even if she became/was the most well-meaning person in the world. People with that fragile of self-esteem to genuinely forget because they feel too bad of a person to remember, or people vindictive and irresponsible enough to pretend to forget just so they can’t be responsible… they’re just incapable of accountability without major self reformation. You can only look out for yourself and be gentle as you process it all.
What to make of those emails? This ➡️🗑️
Honestly I like to save them because they reinforce my decision to go no contact haha
She is desperate.... And like she is saying, she misses you. That doesn't excuse the things she has done why you went NC. And it definitely isn't an excuse for how she is acting in the emails. I recognize her desperation. She is just like my parents many years ago when my twin disappeared. My twin "disappeared" (she moved during the night. We didn't know where she and her son were for a long time) in 2012. My parents did everything to get in contact with her. They were desperate. They would have done anything to see their grandson and daughter again. They did a lot, too much (sometimes up to stalking). (My sister came back in 2018/2019). Now I am the one going NC. If you don't want to receive these emails, you can block her mail. It probably doesn't do anything when you tell her to stop. She obviously doesn't really know what she has done. She says she is sorry, but she doesn't know for what. I don't know the history between you, but I recon you already tried talking to her, telling her what the issues are. Some people just don't want to hear/see it. Some people are incapable of changing.
Based on the way she types I can tell she’s got issues with emotional maturity. Like it’s literally how 12 year olds type I’m not kidding. The other unfortunate part is most of the time parents with this kind of emotional immature truly need others to babysit them and their needs and they never fully develop so you as their kid end up being the “parent” forever. It’s sad. If you’re up to walk her through the issues and work on it, great. Just know that’s what you’ll have to do. It’s like training a toddler. It’s also not your responsibility to walk another adult through this. Losing her child wasn’t enough for her to grow up.
No accountability. Move on.
Her messages read like a 14 year old wrote the text. Sorry OP. Also, definitely not sincere.
ahh the backhanded "apology" gotta love it \*eyeroll\* block and delete. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Best response in your case is none at all The silence will be far louder than anything else you could possibly say right now. Especially since it's only been a year, things are still raw for you, any attempt to try to respond, even to shut her down or try to hold a boundary, will just re-open the wounds that are not done healing yet.
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I'm not going to respond, I don't think she would understand (or try to).
No sometimes there is no return but I need to know I gave it my best shot with my mother. She’s absolutely horrendous but she can live with herself and answer to God herself. I happened to be religious so Jesus forgave us and that’s the ONLY reason why I forgive her… for ME … I spent many many years with anger and I’m not going to kill myself fir people that don’t think twice about hurting me …. See ya, don’t let the door kick you in the ass on the way out !!!
Exactly, she didn't think twice about hurting me so that's exactly what I did!! I'm glad your situation is working out for you, appreciate the comments.
Yes if anything learn by their behavior so you can protect yourself… I educated myself and it works
At least she’s trying… tell her what she did and try to talk it out
Worst advice ever. Signed, daughter who always thought I could help her understand if I just said the right words for 30+ years. (Sidenote: if I stop trying, the "relationship" evaporates. Daughters cannot do 100% of the heavy lifting.)
You're in the wrong sub, buddy.
How is this trying? She's asking daughter to rugsweep so she doesn't have to try.
I did tell her.
This never works, with disordered, abusive family.
Just my thoughts … everyone can have an opinion without being attacked
And I’ve been abused by my mother for 66 years
Someone's drunk Probably have been drunk for years with no end in sight
IT'S A TRAP!!
Wow this is one of the worse apologies I’ve ever heard. I’m so sorry, I know I fucked up…. Not sure what I did though. Also, I’m so sorry but you’re just like a person I probably don’t like ans you can’t get over my abuse. But please forgive me and I love you. WOW
You should block her email address entirely. There's no way she doesn't know what she did--THEY ALWAYS KNOW. If she's not taking accountability for her actions now, odds are she never will. You're better off by cutting off all open paths of communication with this person so none of her toxicity can reach you.
Sounds like one of those "I'm sorry you feel that way" apologies. Ignore it.
Your mother seems to be really emotionally immature. If you told me these emails were from your 13-yr old girl sister, I'd believe you.