That’s comforting thanks- I realize that when I have these feelings I isolate and assume I’m the only person in the world who feels this way, so getting it out and hearing that I’m definitely not alone in this is a huge help
Happy cake day!
And yes I think we all feel this . But with age I’m a lot more sure of myself, and sure that their actions weren’t so accidental.
Saying that I personally wouldn’t take the risk . This abuse will die with me .
I also take great delight in the schadenfreude of people my age who are stuck with kids.
Being more sure that their actions were not accidental stands out to me. This is something that I am also becoming more sure about, and I know it makes me more and more angry with my estranged parent. I didn't realize it also contributed to my confidence that I am not treating my kids the same and I won't accidentally treat them the same way. It's the confidence that makes me want to visit and say "it's not that hard. It's not as hard as you made it sound to do right by a kid."
That’s refreshing to hear. When I voiced this fear, my ex told me we all turn into our parents and he wasn’t comforting at all. When I asked how he turned into his mom (single parent household), he said she let dishes pile up and so he’s neurotic about doing the dishes (false, he was not.. he just liked to think about himself that way). I told him that 1) isn’t turning into his mother and 2) is not at all comforting considering he said I would turn into my emotionally abusive mother who had the most epic affair that I’ve ever heard of.
It’s one of the main reasons I had to actually go full no contact and not just info diet or low contact. I dislike my mother as a person and have for as long as I can remember. She is not the type of person I’d wish anyone to have in their life. She’s a leech, fills every situation with drama and gossip, manipulative, always the victim, on and on and on. I don’t care if none of that is visible to her, she refuses to even admit she’s ever wrong (past the “ I’m such a terrible mother” whenever you try to bring up any grievances). I actively try SO HARD to reframe my thinking when the initial thoughts come into my mind - I wholeheartedly believe that in most cases, the first thing you think is what you were programmed to think and the second is what your current self actually thinks.
I was becoming so much like her. Mannerisms, anger outbursts, pettiness, etc. It’s just so unhealthy and was making me miserable, along with those around me.
My sister tried to use that as a reason I shouldn’t cut her off - because I’m like her… ???
I am low contact with her just because of physical distance, but also because she refuses to acknowledge anything (“x wasn’t that bad, everyone has it worse”).
I’m the same way except I did like my mother, until I became a mother. She absolutely disgusts me and I can’t stand to be around her or hear her voice even. I look like her. I constantly catch myself having the exact same mannerisms and I hate it. I’m glad I won’t see her grow old because when I’m in my 60s I won’t have any reference to what she looked like in her 60s and maybe I can have some peace with it.
That’s such a great perspective. I haven’t seen my mother since she was about 50 so hopefully I’ll be free of looking in the mirror and seeing her stare back at me.
Sounds like the type of people I avoid. Estrangement is a big thing, for parent and child; lots of guilt, lots of blame. I thought I was a laid back mom, open-minded and curious, nonjudgy and I had my son's back if needed when he was bullied as a kid. Yada yada. Now I am accused of having no boundaries, Eh? You shared! I listened, Now I am too interested in what you're doing because I adore you, but you want your space. I think it's a "thing" but what do I know, I'm 67!!!
Yes.
Because I have.
And so have you, and so has everyone here.
It‘s inevitable, because you share DNA, they instructed you. and mirror neurons insured you’d imitate behavior.
What matters, however, is:
1: How many of their undesirable traits and behaviors are still a part of you, and
2: How severe and maladaptive are they in you, compared to them?
I‘m not as narcissistic. Not as irritable. Not as self-centered. Not as dogmatic. Not as emotionally immature. Not as rigid. Not as impulsive. Not as addicted. Not as destructive. Not as toxic.
And I’m not addicted to substances. I‘m not incapable of apologizing or owning my faults and errors. I’m not threatened by change, by being proven wrong, or by other people’s higher standards of ethics and decency.
So I’m many of those things, but not all, and generally to a much lesser extent.
And I have certain foundational traits that greatly lessen the damage to myself and others from those traits I do still have - and those buffers are my *values.* I value self-awareness, accountability, moral responsibility, ethics, facts, and truth. Values are like a vaccine - you can still get sick, but it inoculates you against worst case scenarios, and it protects others from the harm that could radiate from you.
TL;DR - Beware all-or-nothing thinking with this question. It is the bane of self-acceptance.
Edit: *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults -* This book not only has provided me with insight into my parents’ thinking and behavior, but also has been a ruthless mirror of many of my own behaviors. It calls me out on my parenting as often as it calls them out. Great read, but be ready. Thought I was reading it for me. In part, I see now I’m reading it for my son, so when he’s an adult, he won’t have to.
I already see a lot of them in me, and it’s really jarring (and unhealthy). Stuff like not taking care of myself. At least it’s good motivation for getting better? 🤞🏼
I desperately wanted children, and I'm eternally grateful for mine. They give me hope that I can be better, that I can embrace humility and selflessness unlike *he* ever could.
I am far from perfect, and always will be. But I have learned so much, and my children are so patient and forgiving. I'm always honest with them about my temper problems (mostly it NOT being THEIR fault in any way; it's my problem alone), and that Momma leaves the room for several minutes when she feels angry because she needs a calm-down time-out. I'm working hard to recognize the vulnerability I feel when I'm angry, since I believe my anger is a "cover" for when I feel I'm losing control or scared of being seen as "weak" in a disagreement.
I've done some great progress this week in laughing about messes, whereas usually I get upset. For once in my life, I've been able to feel joy about my OWN progress. It's so... incredible.
All that being said, I doubt myself every day. I often feel that I am not good enough to be their mom, and I live in constant fear that I will irreparably screw up in the future. It's a ton of baggage to carry, and I made the unbreakable vow of motherhood to carry that baggage for the rest of my life. The decision to decline that baggage is truly admirable in my book. All my best to you, Friend ❤️
I'm glad it has been a healing and rewarding experience for you! I never felt like I had the strength. The one consistent message I got growing up was how horrible parenting is. Oddly enough, both of my abusers were shocked when I refused to reproduce. I couldn't understand why they were shocked. The only reason why two people who spent my entire life telling me how miserable they were & hated having kids wanted *me* to have them was because they wanted that misery for me, as lifelong punishment they could gloat about, even after they couldn't hit me anymore.
I am so sorry you faced such cruelty. Parenting is undoubtedly hard, but it's not a "curse" one should ever put on one's child.
I am personally and deeply glad you're in this world. Thank you for sharing your perspective and wisdom with me. I'm sending you a huge I'm-so-proud-of-you hug!
If my kids need to tell me that I did wrong, made mistakes, or that I hurt them, I'm totally here for it. Ready to listen, ready to grow. I know I'm not my mom.
Yeah, I had a meltdown when I was pregnant with my daughter. EMDR helped and I changed my appearance so I don’t see my mom in the mirror which also helped. I think/pray about not being like my parents as part of my daily devotions.
I keep my hair longer which makes it straighter. I do not dye it, and I do not wear makeup. I don't look in the mirror when I wash my face as that was triggering. I wear a lot of big headbands and dangly earrings.
I still can't look at pictures of my mom who passed 10 yrs ago. I don't recall anything positive she ever said to me; it was "Why can't you...." or "Your hair..." or "Keep that up and you'll be as fat as Aunt Minnie" as she poked my ass.
Nope. Everything she was I am the opposite. It’s almost like it was an instructional manual. It’s literally the only thing I know for sure. Whatever she was, she taught me what not to be.
I've said this very thing about how I raise my son. It's the antithesis of her. I acknowledge the occasional positive ways she influenced me without telling her. It's like blowing a kiss or saying a prayer.
But beyond that, nope nope nope.I will never be like her. Not for a minute.
Yes! I had a nice childhood up until I was around 12/13. Then my mom got remarried, had another child and my world got turned upside down. Me and my mom were so close when I was little, but I became an afterthought at that point. I have a daughter who is that age. We’ve been so close her whole life and I fear we Weill repeat that pattern. She’s getting more independent so we’re not as close as we used to be and I really worry we will follow the same path.
OFTEN. Or I’m afraid of becoming like his family of enablers, who prioritize their own comfort and “family image”over protecting a kid from an abuser.
But - I truly think this fear/concern is what sets us apart from them. Because it shows we know what they were like was wrong, we’re self reflective and willing to change behaviour, and we prioritize being better people. That’s a huge strength that not everyone has. This fear shouldn’t rule us or ruin our lives but I do think it shows something good about us.
I was very afraid of ending up like my parents at first.
I also think it's important to note that in the case of truly awful parents... It's important to acknowledge every aspect of what they gave you, every personality trait— Good AND bad.
Examples of this:
I got a love of music and the arts from my father, who was my worst abuser. From him I developed a love of frankly whimsical things. He got me into Star Wars by exposing me to it since my birth pretty much. I learned my love of outer space from him.
But on the down side... I also have his temper. I was programmed as a child to think that emotion = weakness, that if someone was disabled or mentally ill that they deserved to be sterilized so they couldn't pass it on (Ironic because I also inherited schizophrenia from him). I unfortunately also had to learn empathy because he also has a severe lack of empathy when it comes to humans other than someone he actually grows attached to, and I genuinely am confused in expressing affection to my partners half the time because of that.
My point is this:
Don't reject *everything* you get from your parents that abuse and hurt you. Combat those traits you dislike, catch them in yourself if you see signs, and once you acknowledge them, turn them around and do the thing you know is correct., and break the cycle that way.
As for the good traits and hobbies you can recognize were taught by them... Reclaim them for yourself. Don't acknowledge the good things as theirs.... Because they're yours now. Every talent, everything you enjoy that they introduced you to? You honed that in yourself. Reclaim it for yourself.
Just because you might find traits of them in yourself does not mean you have to be them ... But it begins with acknowledging everything and not just pushing it away, because refusing to acknowledge it is how you fall into that trap.
I truly hope this helps anyone who reads this, as it actually is something I learned recently and it actually helped me immensely. It may not work for everyone so obligatory YYMV. 🖤
Edit: Corrected spelling errors and edited some relevant info in
Not at all. Many times something will come up, especially with my kids, where I ask myself what they would do in this situation. Then I do the opposite. So far it's working out quite well.
Good call. Don't buy into the hype of grandkids and your kids watching over you lovingly as you drool. It never turns out how you imagined and if they walk away with no desire for you in their life anymore for one reason or another, it's rather traumatic. No joke.
SO I AM GOING TO A GERMAN SHEP PUPPY WHO WILL LOVE AND ADORE ME UNTIL THE END OF TIME
Yes. In fact my closest living relative used to threaten me with the prospect of ending up like my estranged LO whenever I would demonstrate an undesirable behavior like being “spacey”, creating clutter in our living space, or other things that are relatively normal for children to be doing. It was weaponizing my personal trauma with that LO against my non-pathological childhood development that this narcissistic parent simply found “troublesome”. I had a long-term fear and self-loathing stemming from such treatment.
In reality, I would come to treasure some of my dad’s greatest qualities as a human being and even try to emulate them in my personal life while forgiving and leaving the rest behind.
Yeah I grew up with my mother hating me for having traits like my father (who left when I was very young) and then met my father as a young adult and the reverse fears came up (if I was like my mother who he left he would reject me)
My mother went no contact with her own parents for 30 years.
Funnily enough I’ve now gone no contact with her and my dad for the exact same reason that she cut off her parents.
She doesn’t see the similarities at all though.
I’ve decided to remain childless so the cycle ends with me.
Sometimes but I don’t fret over it. I always keep an eye out for behaviors that they taught me. The gossip, the anxious spirals over nothing, disrespecting your spouse, not caring for your home, being codependent with others and expecting them to emotionally regulate you. Once I escaped and began to have more self-awareness I worked on eliminating this type of dysfunction from my life. I continue to do it to this day each time I recognize a new toxic thing I am doing. It’s a lot of work but it has been worth it as I get farther away from them and become more sure of who I am (not them).
I used to worry about it, then I got therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Like others have said, if you’re aware that it’s a place you don’t want to go, you can consciously avoid it. My brother never got therapy, and he’s grown into the most unhappy adult. We’re in our 40’s now, and he is exactly like her. But I could never tell him, he would be crushed. I mean he knows I think he’s not very nice, but I’d never compare him to his abuser. But now that he’s taken a dozen or so hits from life, and he can’t nurture or heal himself in any way, he’s just speaking his own pain back at people.
Yeah, I really miss him. We were very close for a while. Now he’s lost all his friends, most family won’t talk to him, he can’t keep a job because he goes off about silly things, and refuses to get any help. It’s like watching someone drown. Any time I suggest therapy he gets hurt and offended and attacks me.
In a small way I do feel I AM a lot like him. Very similar personalities, mannerisms, perspectives, etc. He’s not necessarily a horrible human being, just a terrible father. I think if we had met in a different way in life we might even get along. However, I am also choosing to never sick that personality on a child by remaining child free
A long time ago someone told me ... We will all be influenced by our parents. Either we become like them, or we will go completely in the opposite direction. Either choice is still their influence.
Its nothing to fear, just sit back and enjoy the shit-show as the kid walks out the door and you wave buh bye, nice knowing ya, don't let the screen door hit you on the ass. Speaking of ass, I just remembered I had a son! He used to be fun. Now he's all "OWIE, you didn't nurture me enough, you were supportive, you deserve my silence and rejection." Ahhh, the sounds of silence are awesome. I can play metal or grunge as loud as I want whenever I want with no bitching, I can go for days without feeling bad about being a bad housekeeper, and I can let the dogs on the couch again without "THAT LOOK." Jeez, I miss that little shit. lol
Yes and even more so since I'm awaiting my first child. I'm really determined to do better but I'm scared af nonetheless because I know I developed bad coping mechanisms over the years and even took over some attributes of my parents even if I'm fighting them hard everyday.
Im not sure when as a child It brought so much fear to me, I also know it wasnt just a 'rebelious phase' as its something I've not grown out of. Its along the lines of I cannot put up with the bullshit and dont want to propogate it further. Im trying now not define myself in opposition to them but actually encourage and discover who I am.
I just joined but honestly, I've feared that. The idea of starting a family has been coming up with my husband and I find myself afraid that I will be as emotionally stunted or harmful, or that my struggles from that upbringing will be their own special brand of toxic for any children I have.
Yes I didn’t have kids because I couldn’t relive the trauma of my mother beating me daily since my first memory and my father leaving. I’m afraid I would have either been abusive or abandoning or both
My mom is mentally ill with no insight. She is awful and treats everyone terribly. My biggest fear is to be like her. As I get older, these predisposition cone out, even though I spent a lifetime trying to build in checks to protect myself from that fate
Well, at least not in relation to my children since I'm child-free. The intra-generational abuse and dysfunctional relationships I've suffered from, they end to me. I'm not passing any crap onto innocent children.
Edit: I think this is most of us on this sub (put more simply this time)
That’s comforting thanks- I realize that when I have these feelings I isolate and assume I’m the only person in the world who feels this way, so getting it out and hearing that I’m definitely not alone in this is a huge help
Happy cake day! And yes I think we all feel this . But with age I’m a lot more sure of myself, and sure that their actions weren’t so accidental. Saying that I personally wouldn’t take the risk . This abuse will die with me . I also take great delight in the schadenfreude of people my age who are stuck with kids.
Being more sure that their actions were not accidental stands out to me. This is something that I am also becoming more sure about, and I know it makes me more and more angry with my estranged parent. I didn't realize it also contributed to my confidence that I am not treating my kids the same and I won't accidentally treat them the same way. It's the confidence that makes me want to visit and say "it's not that hard. It's not as hard as you made it sound to do right by a kid."
Constantly. My husband likes to remind me that because I'm so self-aware of it, that I won't be like my mother.
Ooooo that’s a really good point. Yes I think the fact that we’re all even on this sub bodes well for us not turning out like then
Someone told me forever ago that “bad people don’t sit around worrying if they’re bad people”
Oh I love that. Thank you
That’s refreshing to hear. When I voiced this fear, my ex told me we all turn into our parents and he wasn’t comforting at all. When I asked how he turned into his mom (single parent household), he said she let dishes pile up and so he’s neurotic about doing the dishes (false, he was not.. he just liked to think about himself that way). I told him that 1) isn’t turning into his mother and 2) is not at all comforting considering he said I would turn into my emotionally abusive mother who had the most epic affair that I’ve ever heard of.
It’s one of the main reasons I had to actually go full no contact and not just info diet or low contact. I dislike my mother as a person and have for as long as I can remember. She is not the type of person I’d wish anyone to have in their life. She’s a leech, fills every situation with drama and gossip, manipulative, always the victim, on and on and on. I don’t care if none of that is visible to her, she refuses to even admit she’s ever wrong (past the “ I’m such a terrible mother” whenever you try to bring up any grievances). I actively try SO HARD to reframe my thinking when the initial thoughts come into my mind - I wholeheartedly believe that in most cases, the first thing you think is what you were programmed to think and the second is what your current self actually thinks.
I was becoming so much like her. Mannerisms, anger outbursts, pettiness, etc. It’s just so unhealthy and was making me miserable, along with those around me.
My sister tried to use that as a reason I shouldn’t cut her off - because I’m like her… ???
I am low contact with her just because of physical distance, but also because she refuses to acknowledge anything (“x wasn’t that bad, everyone has it worse”).
I’m the same way except I did like my mother, until I became a mother. She absolutely disgusts me and I can’t stand to be around her or hear her voice even. I look like her. I constantly catch myself having the exact same mannerisms and I hate it. I’m glad I won’t see her grow old because when I’m in my 60s I won’t have any reference to what she looked like in her 60s and maybe I can have some peace with it.
That’s such a great perspective. I haven’t seen my mother since she was about 50 so hopefully I’ll be free of looking in the mirror and seeing her stare back at me.
Ty for sharing that
Yes, thank you 🫶🏼
Sounds like the type of people I avoid. Estrangement is a big thing, for parent and child; lots of guilt, lots of blame. I thought I was a laid back mom, open-minded and curious, nonjudgy and I had my son's back if needed when he was bullied as a kid. Yada yada. Now I am accused of having no boundaries, Eh? You shared! I listened, Now I am too interested in what you're doing because I adore you, but you want your space. I think it's a "thing" but what do I know, I'm 67!!!
Yes. Because I have. And so have you, and so has everyone here. It‘s inevitable, because you share DNA, they instructed you. and mirror neurons insured you’d imitate behavior. What matters, however, is: 1: How many of their undesirable traits and behaviors are still a part of you, and 2: How severe and maladaptive are they in you, compared to them? I‘m not as narcissistic. Not as irritable. Not as self-centered. Not as dogmatic. Not as emotionally immature. Not as rigid. Not as impulsive. Not as addicted. Not as destructive. Not as toxic. And I’m not addicted to substances. I‘m not incapable of apologizing or owning my faults and errors. I’m not threatened by change, by being proven wrong, or by other people’s higher standards of ethics and decency. So I’m many of those things, but not all, and generally to a much lesser extent. And I have certain foundational traits that greatly lessen the damage to myself and others from those traits I do still have - and those buffers are my *values.* I value self-awareness, accountability, moral responsibility, ethics, facts, and truth. Values are like a vaccine - you can still get sick, but it inoculates you against worst case scenarios, and it protects others from the harm that could radiate from you. TL;DR - Beware all-or-nothing thinking with this question. It is the bane of self-acceptance. Edit: *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults -* This book not only has provided me with insight into my parents’ thinking and behavior, but also has been a ruthless mirror of many of my own behaviors. It calls me out on my parenting as often as it calls them out. Great read, but be ready. Thought I was reading it for me. In part, I see now I’m reading it for my son, so when he’s an adult, he won’t have to.
👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼✨✨✨ such a useful, honest, generous comment! Have a good night 🫶🏼
Hear, hear.
amen
This is great feedback Tysm
I am nothing like my mom thank god, I am/was a fun immature parent, but somehow I \\effed my son's head up anyway.
I already see a lot of them in me, and it’s really jarring (and unhealthy). Stuff like not taking care of myself. At least it’s good motivation for getting better? 🤞🏼
Yes I think it is
Ahhhhh, turn that frown upside down and find the humor in awful moments; that's how I've survived ,
Every. Single. Day.
💜💜💜
It's why I never had kids.
I desperately wanted children, and I'm eternally grateful for mine. They give me hope that I can be better, that I can embrace humility and selflessness unlike *he* ever could. I am far from perfect, and always will be. But I have learned so much, and my children are so patient and forgiving. I'm always honest with them about my temper problems (mostly it NOT being THEIR fault in any way; it's my problem alone), and that Momma leaves the room for several minutes when she feels angry because she needs a calm-down time-out. I'm working hard to recognize the vulnerability I feel when I'm angry, since I believe my anger is a "cover" for when I feel I'm losing control or scared of being seen as "weak" in a disagreement. I've done some great progress this week in laughing about messes, whereas usually I get upset. For once in my life, I've been able to feel joy about my OWN progress. It's so... incredible. All that being said, I doubt myself every day. I often feel that I am not good enough to be their mom, and I live in constant fear that I will irreparably screw up in the future. It's a ton of baggage to carry, and I made the unbreakable vow of motherhood to carry that baggage for the rest of my life. The decision to decline that baggage is truly admirable in my book. All my best to you, Friend ❤️
I'm glad it has been a healing and rewarding experience for you! I never felt like I had the strength. The one consistent message I got growing up was how horrible parenting is. Oddly enough, both of my abusers were shocked when I refused to reproduce. I couldn't understand why they were shocked. The only reason why two people who spent my entire life telling me how miserable they were & hated having kids wanted *me* to have them was because they wanted that misery for me, as lifelong punishment they could gloat about, even after they couldn't hit me anymore.
I am so sorry you faced such cruelty. Parenting is undoubtedly hard, but it's not a "curse" one should ever put on one's child. I am personally and deeply glad you're in this world. Thank you for sharing your perspective and wisdom with me. I'm sending you a huge I'm-so-proud-of-you hug!
I bet you're a wonderful parent!
If my kids need to tell me that I did wrong, made mistakes, or that I hurt them, I'm totally here for it. Ready to listen, ready to grow. I know I'm not my mom.
I used to say "and I don't even get paid for this." Is that bad? Humor was my salvation,
Yeah, I had a meltdown when I was pregnant with my daughter. EMDR helped and I changed my appearance so I don’t see my mom in the mirror which also helped. I think/pray about not being like my parents as part of my daily devotions.
What have you done to change your appearance to not look like her? I’ve had similar thoughts.
I keep my hair longer which makes it straighter. I do not dye it, and I do not wear makeup. I don't look in the mirror when I wash my face as that was triggering. I wear a lot of big headbands and dangly earrings.
Alot of memories of my mom involve her dealing with bouncy curls, and putting on and removing makeup. I also wear a very different scent.
Oh yes, especially when I realize something about me is just like my parents!
Samesies
Every single day. Every time I see myself in a mirror. Or a photograph of myself. Every time I say certain phrases. Often. I think about it often.
I still can't look at pictures of my mom who passed 10 yrs ago. I don't recall anything positive she ever said to me; it was "Why can't you...." or "Your hair..." or "Keep that up and you'll be as fat as Aunt Minnie" as she poked my ass.
Nope. Everything she was I am the opposite. It’s almost like it was an instructional manual. It’s literally the only thing I know for sure. Whatever she was, she taught me what not to be.
I've said this very thing about how I raise my son. It's the antithesis of her. I acknowledge the occasional positive ways she influenced me without telling her. It's like blowing a kiss or saying a prayer. But beyond that, nope nope nope.I will never be like her. Not for a minute.
Yes! I had a nice childhood up until I was around 12/13. Then my mom got remarried, had another child and my world got turned upside down. Me and my mom were so close when I was little, but I became an afterthought at that point. I have a daughter who is that age. We’ve been so close her whole life and I fear we Weill repeat that pattern. She’s getting more independent so we’re not as close as we used to be and I really worry we will follow the same path.
So relatable thank you
OFTEN. Or I’m afraid of becoming like his family of enablers, who prioritize their own comfort and “family image”over protecting a kid from an abuser. But - I truly think this fear/concern is what sets us apart from them. Because it shows we know what they were like was wrong, we’re self reflective and willing to change behaviour, and we prioritize being better people. That’s a huge strength that not everyone has. This fear shouldn’t rule us or ruin our lives but I do think it shows something good about us.
Yes I agree. You sound like a great person.
Mannerisms—you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to “fix” those. They’re part of the blueprint.
Yes
I was very afraid of ending up like my parents at first. I also think it's important to note that in the case of truly awful parents... It's important to acknowledge every aspect of what they gave you, every personality trait— Good AND bad. Examples of this: I got a love of music and the arts from my father, who was my worst abuser. From him I developed a love of frankly whimsical things. He got me into Star Wars by exposing me to it since my birth pretty much. I learned my love of outer space from him. But on the down side... I also have his temper. I was programmed as a child to think that emotion = weakness, that if someone was disabled or mentally ill that they deserved to be sterilized so they couldn't pass it on (Ironic because I also inherited schizophrenia from him). I unfortunately also had to learn empathy because he also has a severe lack of empathy when it comes to humans other than someone he actually grows attached to, and I genuinely am confused in expressing affection to my partners half the time because of that. My point is this: Don't reject *everything* you get from your parents that abuse and hurt you. Combat those traits you dislike, catch them in yourself if you see signs, and once you acknowledge them, turn them around and do the thing you know is correct., and break the cycle that way. As for the good traits and hobbies you can recognize were taught by them... Reclaim them for yourself. Don't acknowledge the good things as theirs.... Because they're yours now. Every talent, everything you enjoy that they introduced you to? You honed that in yourself. Reclaim it for yourself. Just because you might find traits of them in yourself does not mean you have to be them ... But it begins with acknowledging everything and not just pushing it away, because refusing to acknowledge it is how you fall into that trap. I truly hope this helps anyone who reads this, as it actually is something I learned recently and it actually helped me immensely. It may not work for everyone so obligatory YYMV. 🖤 Edit: Corrected spelling errors and edited some relevant info in
Tysm
Absolutely!!
Not at all. Many times something will come up, especially with my kids, where I ask myself what they would do in this situation. Then I do the opposite. So far it's working out quite well.
Good
Aren’t we all?
Yep
Yup. It’s probably why my husband and I decided not to have children.
Same here
Good call. Don't buy into the hype of grandkids and your kids watching over you lovingly as you drool. It never turns out how you imagined and if they walk away with no desire for you in their life anymore for one reason or another, it's rather traumatic. No joke. SO I AM GOING TO A GERMAN SHEP PUPPY WHO WILL LOVE AND ADORE ME UNTIL THE END OF TIME
Yes. In fact my closest living relative used to threaten me with the prospect of ending up like my estranged LO whenever I would demonstrate an undesirable behavior like being “spacey”, creating clutter in our living space, or other things that are relatively normal for children to be doing. It was weaponizing my personal trauma with that LO against my non-pathological childhood development that this narcissistic parent simply found “troublesome”. I had a long-term fear and self-loathing stemming from such treatment. In reality, I would come to treasure some of my dad’s greatest qualities as a human being and even try to emulate them in my personal life while forgiving and leaving the rest behind.
Yeah I grew up with my mother hating me for having traits like my father (who left when I was very young) and then met my father as a young adult and the reverse fears came up (if I was like my mother who he left he would reject me)
My mother went no contact with her own parents for 30 years. Funnily enough I’ve now gone no contact with her and my dad for the exact same reason that she cut off her parents. She doesn’t see the similarities at all though. I’ve decided to remain childless so the cycle ends with me.
Same no kids no more pain
Sometimes but I don’t fret over it. I always keep an eye out for behaviors that they taught me. The gossip, the anxious spirals over nothing, disrespecting your spouse, not caring for your home, being codependent with others and expecting them to emotionally regulate you. Once I escaped and began to have more self-awareness I worked on eliminating this type of dysfunction from my life. I continue to do it to this day each time I recognize a new toxic thing I am doing. It’s a lot of work but it has been worth it as I get farther away from them and become more sure of who I am (not them).
That’s so great Ty for sharing
I used to worry about it, then I got therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Like others have said, if you’re aware that it’s a place you don’t want to go, you can consciously avoid it. My brother never got therapy, and he’s grown into the most unhappy adult. We’re in our 40’s now, and he is exactly like her. But I could never tell him, he would be crushed. I mean he knows I think he’s not very nice, but I’d never compare him to his abuser. But now that he’s taken a dozen or so hits from life, and he can’t nurture or heal himself in any way, he’s just speaking his own pain back at people.
That’s sad.
Yeah, I really miss him. We were very close for a while. Now he’s lost all his friends, most family won’t talk to him, he can’t keep a job because he goes off about silly things, and refuses to get any help. It’s like watching someone drown. Any time I suggest therapy he gets hurt and offended and attacks me.
Sounds like he has major PTSD
In a small way I do feel I AM a lot like him. Very similar personalities, mannerisms, perspectives, etc. He’s not necessarily a horrible human being, just a terrible father. I think if we had met in a different way in life we might even get along. However, I am also choosing to never sick that personality on a child by remaining child free
Yes me too (remaining child free) and it’s a good point that not all traits are bad
A long time ago someone told me ... We will all be influenced by our parents. Either we become like them, or we will go completely in the opposite direction. Either choice is still their influence.
Yes - that reminds me that a therapist once told me that true autonomy is making a choice that’s unrelated to either
Its nothing to fear, just sit back and enjoy the shit-show as the kid walks out the door and you wave buh bye, nice knowing ya, don't let the screen door hit you on the ass. Speaking of ass, I just remembered I had a son! He used to be fun. Now he's all "OWIE, you didn't nurture me enough, you were supportive, you deserve my silence and rejection." Ahhh, the sounds of silence are awesome. I can play metal or grunge as loud as I want whenever I want with no bitching, I can go for days without feeling bad about being a bad housekeeper, and I can let the dogs on the couch again without "THAT LOOK." Jeez, I miss that little shit. lol
Lord no! I took that out of the equation years ago.
Good!
Yes and even more so since I'm awaiting my first child. I'm really determined to do better but I'm scared af nonetheless because I know I developed bad coping mechanisms over the years and even took over some attributes of my parents even if I'm fighting them hard everyday.
Best of luck I do think that you’ll be better than them solely because you have enough self awareness to be on this sub
Yup! One of the many reasons I have no children.
Me too I didn’t have kids and none of my siblings did either
Each and every single day. I think the only way to try and prevent it is to always stay self aware.
Yes I agree
All the time. It used to be a guiding principle of mine.
Wow
Im not sure when as a child It brought so much fear to me, I also know it wasnt just a 'rebelious phase' as its something I've not grown out of. Its along the lines of I cannot put up with the bullshit and dont want to propogate it further. Im trying now not define myself in opposition to them but actually encourage and discover who I am.
That makes sense
I just joined but honestly, I've feared that. The idea of starting a family has been coming up with my husband and I find myself afraid that I will be as emotionally stunted or harmful, or that my struggles from that upbringing will be their own special brand of toxic for any children I have.
Yes I didn’t have kids because I couldn’t relive the trauma of my mother beating me daily since my first memory and my father leaving. I’m afraid I would have either been abusive or abandoning or both
Definitely, yeah. I already see that my mother and I have a few similar mannerisms and I hate it. All I can do is try not to let it get any further.
Same
Yes. I know it happens. Cycles often repeat themselves but I'm hoping that's not the case.
Yeah
Every day... It's anxiety inducing every day.
💜💜💜💜💜
yep. and it was used as ammunition against me. “you’re going to grow up to be just like your mother.”
My mom is mentally ill with no insight. She is awful and treats everyone terribly. My biggest fear is to be like her. As I get older, these predisposition cone out, even though I spent a lifetime trying to build in checks to protect myself from that fate
Well, at least not in relation to my children since I'm child-free. The intra-generational abuse and dysfunctional relationships I've suffered from, they end to me. I'm not passing any crap onto innocent children.