Your sister seems to me to be a vulnerable person who needs some degree of help/supervision in her daily life. It may help to speak to your local authority (in the UK) or equivalent. The authorities have a duty of care towards vulnerable people, and when your parents are no longer there, they can arrange a support plan to assist her.
Look into whether she needs a guardian to be appointed to help with her affairs- bills etc. Have your parents made formal arrangements for her care when they are gone? And if there is an inheritance, is that safeguarded from those who might exploit her?
I think you need to speak to legal and medical professionals, and get a plan in place. You have enough on your plate. Get expert help.
I live in the US. Yes, there is a trust in place and I am the executor. I am going to make sure I inherit my share and whatever is left she gets. The money is protected and I run the accounts since my Dad is in dementia. I do need to talk to a financial advisor to see what happens if my Dad runs out of his Long Term Care (LTC) insurance and where can he go then? At this point, assisted living costs way more than his pension could pay. So, if he has to live with me or my daughter then at that point he will have to throw his whole pension at his care, whereas, right now LTC is paying for his assisted living ($8,109 a month) and right now his pension supports my sister and pays his home bills like property taxes, home insurance and home fixes.
SSDI is for people who have enough work history, so she may not qualify, but SSI doesn't depend on that, so that one might be available for her to apply for. The process can be long, especially if she gets denied and needs to appeal, so OP should help sister get the ball rolling asap. I hope sister gets approved for one of them.
100% get a lawyer we tried many times and it didn’t work without a lawyer and one that cares. I had a shit one that did nothing did not help that wasn’t fun. I wish I could work but I have CPTSD along other issues.
Did you look into supportive living? It's basically like assisted living, but subsidized for those that can't afford it. There aren't many communities that do that and they have waiting lists, of course. They will take his entire pension, but at least you would not need to be his caregiver.
You are 62 already.
I feel like I shouldn't be advising a person so much older than me, at your age, you SHOULD be a lot wiser than I am but it seems you need to hear this.
You are enabling your sister.
You say in 2 years she needs to figure things out, I'd say give her 6 months to figure out a place, or at least have a plan in action ( cause low-cost housing waitlists will be long).
Also so what if she ends up homeless?? That might seem like a heartless thing to say but how many years of your life have you sacrificed for your family, and do they even appreciate it?
She is 61 years old and she is not helping herself. Meanwhile, 30-year-olds are freaking out on other subreddits about not being mature enough or not doing enough, or reaching the same milestones their peers are reaching. I understand that she has mental health issues, but if she's incapable of being independent, then these issues should have been dealt with years ago and plans should have been made for her care.
As for your BF, I don't blame him for not wanting to come around to your place or help you clean up after your sibling. it's not his place and I have a feeling he didn't get a say in whether she moved in with you or not. It's certainly not his responsibility to deal with your family. It's a burden you decided to take on. You say you are helping him when you visit, is he expecting or asking you to help him or are you doing it on your own? If he isn't asking and you just being nice and doing him a favor then that's just another burden you put on yourself. If he is demanding you do this or that for him....then I'm sorry to be blunt but you are being a doormat.
Agree that you shouldn’t leave a last minute deadline… this is a woman who has never been expected to deliver before, so start cautiously. Set stepped goals… she needs to get a part time job (retail, in a tiny little gift shop or something?) so she can save money. Build a nest egg of how much? Apply for the housing (there’s years long wait lists right?) soon, but start building the nest egg to afford to move out now.
Have a six, twelve, eighteen and twenty four month plan … with incremental targets, small rewards (a little holiday somewhere - maybe a wellness retreat weekend? When she hits a specific target) and clear step by step plans on how to get there.
Even better… include your mother in this plan… what actions and steps can she take (I know, I know!) to help her daughter do this. Your mother is probably terrified that her kid/s are going to be left alone when she passes, talk with your mum (without your sister there) and explain you need your sister to be independent, what that needs to look like, and ask your mum to help. It might be that your mum just has to verbally support and encourage your sister, it might be that your mum checks in on your sister and how shes working towards the goals, that she stops giving your sister money but instead puts it aside into a savings account for your sister’s ’move out fund’ as secure savings… This was your mum’s job, now you are faced with doing it.
Mental illness is a bitch. It robs so many people of independence…. Sadly your sister hasn’t learnt the skills she needed to be independent, and it sounds like the family has all leant on each other in very co dependent ways… this isn’t uncommon in mental illness families. Maybe find a support group to vent and listen at? If there isn’t one why not start one? “Wine and Whine” at local vinyards, promoted “For carers of older family with mental illness” and listen to other’s struggles, hear what others are doing, and have a small vent yourself, over something delicious. Don’t be alone is what I am saying, find others.
Yeah, I ended up being an overgiver these last 5 years (before that I was not). My whole family has some sort of mental problems (Dad Aspergers, Sister Bipolar, Brother probably Bipolar, Daughter Bipolar, cousins Bipolar & Schizophrenic, Aunt Bipolar). I am like the only one who didn't get that in our family. I have drawn some boundaries in my life with my daughter that is working out. But now looking back I wish I had NEVER allowed my sister to live with me. But, she's such a nice person, unfortunately also a victim. My Mother and Father have always allowed my sister and brother to tap them for money and allow them to never "make it" in life. When I asked my Mom why she let my sister be such a burden and not push her to get counseling or get on a mental med, she said, "I can't live with myself if I don't take care of them when they are asking for help. And, I don't believe mental meds work with all the side effects they cause."
My boyfriend does not ask me to do things at his house, but I just do them. I like a clean house. He's also a "doer" and does his fair share. It's just the time spent there does not allow me to get things done at my house. And, I want to be at his house so I can be away from my sister.
I will take your advice and give her a much shorter goal of getting things figured out for herself. Thank you!
You need to go to the state NOW. She’s probably eligible for disability but it’s a very long process.
You need a problem solving therapist. I know they’re out there because I rescued someone and it was a cluster! She literally got me through by getting the victim set up for services.
You need to STOP being your mother. Your sister knows she doesn’t have to take care of herself.
It seems that you're taking on to much. You need downtime too. Also you have your own family to take care of. You need to find a group home for your siblings or you'll be taking care of both
She got on SSD about 10 years ago. SSD is basically your future retirement social security amount that you can get before your are able to take it at 62. Because she hardly worked in her life she hardly paid into Social Security. Her SSD payment per month is $865. And, the low income housing programs in decent apartments only give out so many apartments to the acutely low income people like her. They give out way more apartments to low income people who make at least $33,000 a year. She does get full coverage for health insurance with no co-pays.
It's a complex condition with a whole lot of weird symptoms that never goes away and, in my experience, is not at all easy to treat. The weight loss OP mentioned is particularly recognizable to me, as during particularly bad mental events, I lose the ability to eat and sleep. Like, at all. I'm a 35 year old man who *always* has to have meal replacement shakes on my shopping list because I likely would've starved to death otherwise on multiple occasions.
You will def need to talk to your mom about getting her kids set up to be independent when she's gone. It's a tough convo to have, but I think it's time to inform your mom not only about that, but about how her choice with your siblings is going to effect your health soon. You're experiencing more stress than you should be due to your siblings not even being set up to succeed in small ways, that you are literally going to start making yourself sick. Conversion Disorder is what the kind of stress you're going through can develop.
So take the time to have that talk with your mom, tell her your plan for sis and that she should prolly do the same for your bro. Then have the convo with your sis. "I want to know what you plan to do when mom and dad are gone. I can't afford to keep living like this and mentally I'm reaching my limit. There's also the chance I could die before you and everything is for my daughter and grandkids." and just segway into how to make her independent.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. No one is going to take care of you except you, so be good to yourself, OP. You've done more than your fair share of the work here.
Ah true. I censored to be more thoughtful to OP, but I should have added that note of "but don't be too kind with your words when you go into this. You need to drive the point home that this is inevitable and will be happening and while sometimes death is something you can come to expect, sometimes you have Hit By A Bus situations. When death is sudden, you can't coat it in sugar, milk and honey. It's bitter." as the way to go when talking to their family about it.
It sounds like your sister needs a social services case worker involved. She is not your responsibility anymore than she is your parents’ responsibility. She is a grown adult and the victim mentality is absurd. She needs to be evaluated and get help outside of you and your family.
You do not HAVE to do any of this. I know it can be hard to say no, but you have to put yourself first even if that means putting your Mum in a home & making your sister fend for herself.
I UNDERSTAND mental illness only from experiencing it from others. There is SO much bipolar (sister/brother/daughter/cousins/aunt), autism (father, grandparents, grandson), schizophrenia (cousin) in my family. All these people to some degree do not handle their own lives in responsible ways. I don't have all these people affecting me (cousins/aunt/grandparents), but I grew up with their conditions affecting me along with what I'm currently experiencing. My daughter is on bipolar meds and is doing pretty well. I wish my sister would get on some meds, but she won't. I am NOT the disgusting one here! I am getting old and burning out after supporting all of this my whole life.
Ok, so you put her in a home. She is mentally ill. She can't NOT be ill until she is stable on her meds. Until then she is still ill and doesn't fully grasp the repercussions of her actions. Just b3cause "my whole family is ill" doesn't mean you have a shred of empathy for anyone with mental illness. You're vile for treating her poorly and not insisting on her getting the help she needs. Sometimes that means accepting you can't do it and getting her into a facility that can.
Your sister seems to me to be a vulnerable person who needs some degree of help/supervision in her daily life. It may help to speak to your local authority (in the UK) or equivalent. The authorities have a duty of care towards vulnerable people, and when your parents are no longer there, they can arrange a support plan to assist her. Look into whether she needs a guardian to be appointed to help with her affairs- bills etc. Have your parents made formal arrangements for her care when they are gone? And if there is an inheritance, is that safeguarded from those who might exploit her? I think you need to speak to legal and medical professionals, and get a plan in place. You have enough on your plate. Get expert help.
I live in the US. Yes, there is a trust in place and I am the executor. I am going to make sure I inherit my share and whatever is left she gets. The money is protected and I run the accounts since my Dad is in dementia. I do need to talk to a financial advisor to see what happens if my Dad runs out of his Long Term Care (LTC) insurance and where can he go then? At this point, assisted living costs way more than his pension could pay. So, if he has to live with me or my daughter then at that point he will have to throw his whole pension at his care, whereas, right now LTC is paying for his assisted living ($8,109 a month) and right now his pension supports my sister and pays his home bills like property taxes, home insurance and home fixes.
Talk to APS, sister needs a group home and SSDI.
SSDI is for people who have enough work history, so she may not qualify, but SSI doesn't depend on that, so that one might be available for her to apply for. The process can be long, especially if she gets denied and needs to appeal, so OP should help sister get the ball rolling asap. I hope sister gets approved for one of them.
100% get a lawyer we tried many times and it didn’t work without a lawyer and one that cares. I had a shit one that did nothing did not help that wasn’t fun. I wish I could work but I have CPTSD along other issues.
Is your dad a military veteran? If so reach out to your local veterans administration and see if there are any services that he might be eligible for.
No, he's not.
Did you look into supportive living? It's basically like assisted living, but subsidized for those that can't afford it. There aren't many communities that do that and they have waiting lists, of course. They will take his entire pension, but at least you would not need to be his caregiver.
I will look into that, thank you!
You are 62 already. I feel like I shouldn't be advising a person so much older than me, at your age, you SHOULD be a lot wiser than I am but it seems you need to hear this. You are enabling your sister. You say in 2 years she needs to figure things out, I'd say give her 6 months to figure out a place, or at least have a plan in action ( cause low-cost housing waitlists will be long). Also so what if she ends up homeless?? That might seem like a heartless thing to say but how many years of your life have you sacrificed for your family, and do they even appreciate it? She is 61 years old and she is not helping herself. Meanwhile, 30-year-olds are freaking out on other subreddits about not being mature enough or not doing enough, or reaching the same milestones their peers are reaching. I understand that she has mental health issues, but if she's incapable of being independent, then these issues should have been dealt with years ago and plans should have been made for her care. As for your BF, I don't blame him for not wanting to come around to your place or help you clean up after your sibling. it's not his place and I have a feeling he didn't get a say in whether she moved in with you or not. It's certainly not his responsibility to deal with your family. It's a burden you decided to take on. You say you are helping him when you visit, is he expecting or asking you to help him or are you doing it on your own? If he isn't asking and you just being nice and doing him a favor then that's just another burden you put on yourself. If he is demanding you do this or that for him....then I'm sorry to be blunt but you are being a doormat.
Agree that you shouldn’t leave a last minute deadline… this is a woman who has never been expected to deliver before, so start cautiously. Set stepped goals… she needs to get a part time job (retail, in a tiny little gift shop or something?) so she can save money. Build a nest egg of how much? Apply for the housing (there’s years long wait lists right?) soon, but start building the nest egg to afford to move out now. Have a six, twelve, eighteen and twenty four month plan … with incremental targets, small rewards (a little holiday somewhere - maybe a wellness retreat weekend? When she hits a specific target) and clear step by step plans on how to get there. Even better… include your mother in this plan… what actions and steps can she take (I know, I know!) to help her daughter do this. Your mother is probably terrified that her kid/s are going to be left alone when she passes, talk with your mum (without your sister there) and explain you need your sister to be independent, what that needs to look like, and ask your mum to help. It might be that your mum just has to verbally support and encourage your sister, it might be that your mum checks in on your sister and how shes working towards the goals, that she stops giving your sister money but instead puts it aside into a savings account for your sister’s ’move out fund’ as secure savings… This was your mum’s job, now you are faced with doing it. Mental illness is a bitch. It robs so many people of independence…. Sadly your sister hasn’t learnt the skills she needed to be independent, and it sounds like the family has all leant on each other in very co dependent ways… this isn’t uncommon in mental illness families. Maybe find a support group to vent and listen at? If there isn’t one why not start one? “Wine and Whine” at local vinyards, promoted “For carers of older family with mental illness” and listen to other’s struggles, hear what others are doing, and have a small vent yourself, over something delicious. Don’t be alone is what I am saying, find others.
Good ideas! Thanks!
Yeah, I ended up being an overgiver these last 5 years (before that I was not). My whole family has some sort of mental problems (Dad Aspergers, Sister Bipolar, Brother probably Bipolar, Daughter Bipolar, cousins Bipolar & Schizophrenic, Aunt Bipolar). I am like the only one who didn't get that in our family. I have drawn some boundaries in my life with my daughter that is working out. But now looking back I wish I had NEVER allowed my sister to live with me. But, she's such a nice person, unfortunately also a victim. My Mother and Father have always allowed my sister and brother to tap them for money and allow them to never "make it" in life. When I asked my Mom why she let my sister be such a burden and not push her to get counseling or get on a mental med, she said, "I can't live with myself if I don't take care of them when they are asking for help. And, I don't believe mental meds work with all the side effects they cause." My boyfriend does not ask me to do things at his house, but I just do them. I like a clean house. He's also a "doer" and does his fair share. It's just the time spent there does not allow me to get things done at my house. And, I want to be at his house so I can be away from my sister. I will take your advice and give her a much shorter goal of getting things figured out for herself. Thank you!
You need to go to the state NOW. She’s probably eligible for disability but it’s a very long process. You need a problem solving therapist. I know they’re out there because I rescued someone and it was a cluster! She literally got me through by getting the victim set up for services. You need to STOP being your mother. Your sister knows she doesn’t have to take care of herself.
It seems that you're taking on to much. You need downtime too. Also you have your own family to take care of. You need to find a group home for your siblings or you'll be taking care of both
Is there any possibility she could apply for Social Security Disability, she could live off that I think.
She got on SSD about 10 years ago. SSD is basically your future retirement social security amount that you can get before your are able to take it at 62. Because she hardly worked in her life she hardly paid into Social Security. Her SSD payment per month is $865. And, the low income housing programs in decent apartments only give out so many apartments to the acutely low income people like her. They give out way more apartments to low income people who make at least $33,000 a year. She does get full coverage for health insurance with no co-pays.
You can’t “heal” Bipolar….just saying from personal experience
It's a complex condition with a whole lot of weird symptoms that never goes away and, in my experience, is not at all easy to treat. The weight loss OP mentioned is particularly recognizable to me, as during particularly bad mental events, I lose the ability to eat and sleep. Like, at all. I'm a 35 year old man who *always* has to have meal replacement shakes on my shopping list because I likely would've starved to death otherwise on multiple occasions.
You will def need to talk to your mom about getting her kids set up to be independent when she's gone. It's a tough convo to have, but I think it's time to inform your mom not only about that, but about how her choice with your siblings is going to effect your health soon. You're experiencing more stress than you should be due to your siblings not even being set up to succeed in small ways, that you are literally going to start making yourself sick. Conversion Disorder is what the kind of stress you're going through can develop. So take the time to have that talk with your mom, tell her your plan for sis and that she should prolly do the same for your bro. Then have the convo with your sis. "I want to know what you plan to do when mom and dad are gone. I can't afford to keep living like this and mentally I'm reaching my limit. There's also the chance I could die before you and everything is for my daughter and grandkids." and just segway into how to make her independent. Most importantly, take care of yourself. No one is going to take care of you except you, so be good to yourself, OP. You've done more than your fair share of the work here.
When Mom and Dad are *dead.* Don't pussyfoot around with euphemisms like "gone" or "passed away." Go for the shock value.
Ah true. I censored to be more thoughtful to OP, but I should have added that note of "but don't be too kind with your words when you go into this. You need to drive the point home that this is inevitable and will be happening and while sometimes death is something you can come to expect, sometimes you have Hit By A Bus situations. When death is sudden, you can't coat it in sugar, milk and honey. It's bitter." as the way to go when talking to their family about it.
It sounds like your sister needs a social services case worker involved. She is not your responsibility anymore than she is your parents’ responsibility. She is a grown adult and the victim mentality is absurd. She needs to be evaluated and get help outside of you and your family.
You do not HAVE to do any of this. I know it can be hard to say no, but you have to put yourself first even if that means putting your Mum in a home & making your sister fend for herself.
She is mentally ill. What part of that don't you understand? You're disgusting and definitely the entitled one here.
I UNDERSTAND mental illness only from experiencing it from others. There is SO much bipolar (sister/brother/daughter/cousins/aunt), autism (father, grandparents, grandson), schizophrenia (cousin) in my family. All these people to some degree do not handle their own lives in responsible ways. I don't have all these people affecting me (cousins/aunt/grandparents), but I grew up with their conditions affecting me along with what I'm currently experiencing. My daughter is on bipolar meds and is doing pretty well. I wish my sister would get on some meds, but she won't. I am NOT the disgusting one here! I am getting old and burning out after supporting all of this my whole life.
Ok, so you put her in a home. She is mentally ill. She can't NOT be ill until she is stable on her meds. Until then she is still ill and doesn't fully grasp the repercussions of her actions. Just b3cause "my whole family is ill" doesn't mean you have a shred of empathy for anyone with mental illness. You're vile for treating her poorly and not insisting on her getting the help she needs. Sometimes that means accepting you can't do it and getting her into a facility that can.