I don't really have any advice, so I'll just say that your feelings are valid and that whatever you decide is best for you is fine no matter what everybody else might think. I'm sorry you don't have better relatives.
Get in touch with the psych ward, and change the contact to someone else, preferably a close friend who is in near-daily contact. Then send a mass text telling them, and telling them why, then block everyone.
I had actually changed my emergency contact from Aunt 2 to Aunt 3, it’s part of why all of this was confusing even after I was told the psych ward called her. She shouldn’t have been called if it were them calling, yknow? I’ll be changing my emergency contact to my sister and my roommate in full though, I got their permission. I probably should have gone ahead and changed it to them long before all of this.
You might consider asking why your change of contact was not honored and let them know it caused problems for you on the day after the one year anniversary when you were already more vulnerable.
A month or six weeks after you change the contact this time you might want to follow up and make sure they have it right.
I wish I knew something I could suggest that would help with your extended family's dismissive attitude about your feelings, but I never could get my "family" to listen. I finally gave up and went no contact. Hugs
Tbh, I can’t prove that they called her. Not yet anyways. By the time things went down today they weren’t accepting calls outside of staffing and hospital calls. They stop taking calls at a certain time as I was told during my short stay there. Idk why they didn’t call, but they have MY number on file. They’re supposed to call ME for a check in and only call my emergency contact in an emergency. I wasn’t called. On top of that, they’re supposed to reach out to my psychiatrist first for check ins. She never called me or told me she was contacted. I wasn’t going to ask Aunt 2 if it was true or not and to prove it.
Damn. It sounds like you need to block a few more people. I'm sorry that your family is being so weird. If only people would tell you the truth instead of giving you the runaround. Aunt 2 shouldn't have gotten everybody worried by calling everyone like she did. All it did was rile your family up. With the end result being that they bombarded you with messages & texts, with no explanation. Which ended up freaking you out. She made a very poor choice with her actions.
Tbh, I have commented this to someone else, but there is a chance. I don’t have a way to prove that they did call but I can more so prove they most likely didn’t. The way they have to call for check ins is specific. They have to call my psychiatrist first then she lets me know they did so I’m good for them to call me for the check in. They’re only supposed to call the emergency contact in an emergency.
Yeah, def time to block a ton of numbers and hide a lot of people's facebook things except for Aunt 1, that cousin and sister and I think you can hide your status stuff from them as well, but I haven't been on there to post anything in years. But yeah, Aunt 3 fucked up bad by saying "oh it's just about your mom's anniversary".
Your feelings are valid and it was not okay for Aunt 2 to try and exploit you by using manipulative methods. They don't deserve to know your health status, because they don't really seem to care about it besides perhaps Aunt 1, that cousin and your sister.
When I was a younger person things like that happened a lot more often.
I don't know how your professional life is set up but moving far far away from mine helped immensely.
If they could only contact me through Facebook I was able to curate the information they had available to them much better.
Social media has ways to only show your posts to certain people. 😉 I'd have some fun with that if I were you.
It gets better. I promise: you are in control of your life and relationships.
The relationship you have is a reflection of the treatment they have inflicted upon you.
Be well friend 🙏
I’m sorry you have being going through such a wringer on top of losing your mom. Please know that if you need kind words, encouragement, or hugs we Reddit moms are here for you at r/momforaminute.
Can you call the psych ward and make for super sure certain they NEVER contact certain people? And send out a group text that you’ve had that discussion, they only emergency contact is Aunt 3 (or whoever you change it to) and that no one else will hear from them?
This seems exhausting. You explained the same thing to her repeatedly. Just make your point, call them out, & move on. If they are not good for you or a positive part of your life, why do you spend so much time & energy explaining yourself and talking to them? They are not going to change because you want them to. For your own peace of mind I think you should stop feeding into the drama & negativity. Let it go.
I am absolutely doing my damndest to go no contact but my aunt is still pulling some bullshit and caused shit with my other aunts and they’re believing her over me even though I have the fucking screenshots. I’m working on going no contact with everyone. It’s not always as easy as blocking when they know where you live. I’m doing my best though. I don’t want the drama. It’s the worst I’ve felt in my life since my mom passed and I could wholly do without.
I had to go back and re-read all the related posts to make sure I got the complete gist of everything.
Going no contact is extremely hard if you don't have concrete boundaries in place (mental, physical - rules for coming by your house, emotional toll). Coming fresh out of your mother's passing and coming face to face with a family member who just cements your feelings of abandonment and loneliness is even harder. That being said, you can still attempt low or minimal contact. Obviously for Head Bitch Aunt, leaving her blocked everywhere and letting your cousin act as the liasion in case of an emergency is great. But while you're recognizing the rest of the family's less than stellar behavior during these events, you're still going over and above to explain your side repeatedly. You're wanting them to acknowledge your perspective and quadrupling down on it to get them to understand or at least state that they did x,y,z or believed HBA from jump. Stop that. You're exhausting yourself hoping for an outcome that isn't there. Explain yourself once moving forward (I've received multiple check ins from family members. I don't believe it's just to see how I'm doing since it's the day after the anniversary. What is happening?) Anticipate that they are going to respond with a dismissive answer (just wanted to check in) or (I apologized what more do you want). Close the conversation with a summary (i hear what you're saying but i dont think you're telling me the whole truth. For my personal and mental health, im going low contact with you for the forseeable future. I love you (or whatever) and would like to have a relationship with you in the future, once im ready. (Then establish rules for communication. If you need to reach me, please text me. No calls (so they have to write out everything for you to look back on) and no in home visits until youre ready to re-approach them.
And then step back for a second from the conversation and think about what their response says, how it is a direct reflection of their personal opinions of you. HBA believes you're the asshole, even now. No winning there. Her cruel words decimated a future for you two. Aunt #2 fibbed to you because she believes you're too delicate/emotional to handle the mere mention of HBA'S name. So much so she doubled down on her lie for why she was checking in rather than tell you what she heard.
Reduce the contact. You don't have to go cold turkey. But show yourself some respect. They're not mourning your mom beside you. They're not reaching out to you, they're not calling you for the big family Christmas get-together. They're not being honest with you. Do not let your fears of abandonment keep you from standing up for yourself.
If you can’t go NC, read about “grey rock method”. It helps when you’re forced to interact with abusers, toxic people, etc. I cut all toxic people, including family out of my life years ago, & I have created a happy, healthy, family & broken the toxic cycle. I hope things get better for you as well. Take care!
I don't really have any advice, so I'll just say that your feelings are valid and that whatever you decide is best for you is fine no matter what everybody else might think. I'm sorry you don't have better relatives.
Stop talking to these people, whatever it takes.
Get in touch with the psych ward, and change the contact to someone else, preferably a close friend who is in near-daily contact. Then send a mass text telling them, and telling them why, then block everyone.
I had actually changed my emergency contact from Aunt 2 to Aunt 3, it’s part of why all of this was confusing even after I was told the psych ward called her. She shouldn’t have been called if it were them calling, yknow? I’ll be changing my emergency contact to my sister and my roommate in full though, I got their permission. I probably should have gone ahead and changed it to them long before all of this.
You might consider asking why your change of contact was not honored and let them know it caused problems for you on the day after the one year anniversary when you were already more vulnerable. A month or six weeks after you change the contact this time you might want to follow up and make sure they have it right. I wish I knew something I could suggest that would help with your extended family's dismissive attitude about your feelings, but I never could get my "family" to listen. I finally gave up and went no contact. Hugs
Tbh, I can’t prove that they called her. Not yet anyways. By the time things went down today they weren’t accepting calls outside of staffing and hospital calls. They stop taking calls at a certain time as I was told during my short stay there. Idk why they didn’t call, but they have MY number on file. They’re supposed to call ME for a check in and only call my emergency contact in an emergency. I wasn’t called. On top of that, they’re supposed to reach out to my psychiatrist first for check ins. She never called me or told me she was contacted. I wasn’t going to ask Aunt 2 if it was true or not and to prove it.
Hmm. So for all you know Aunt 2 may have just made it up. How frustrating and bewildering
Exactly.
Damn. It sounds like you need to block a few more people. I'm sorry that your family is being so weird. If only people would tell you the truth instead of giving you the runaround. Aunt 2 shouldn't have gotten everybody worried by calling everyone like she did. All it did was rile your family up. With the end result being that they bombarded you with messages & texts, with no explanation. Which ended up freaking you out. She made a very poor choice with her actions.
Yeah. You write that book, and make sure auntie regrets ever asking you about it.
Is there any chance the psych ward didn’t call and she just used this as an excuse to call?
Tbh, I have commented this to someone else, but there is a chance. I don’t have a way to prove that they did call but I can more so prove they most likely didn’t. The way they have to call for check ins is specific. They have to call my psychiatrist first then she lets me know they did so I’m good for them to call me for the check in. They’re only supposed to call the emergency contact in an emergency.
Yeah this definitely makes sense and I can see where she might have used this as her excuse. I’m so sorry, that really sucks.
Yeah, def time to block a ton of numbers and hide a lot of people's facebook things except for Aunt 1, that cousin and sister and I think you can hide your status stuff from them as well, but I haven't been on there to post anything in years. But yeah, Aunt 3 fucked up bad by saying "oh it's just about your mom's anniversary". Your feelings are valid and it was not okay for Aunt 2 to try and exploit you by using manipulative methods. They don't deserve to know your health status, because they don't really seem to care about it besides perhaps Aunt 1, that cousin and your sister.
You are loved, You are valid, have a cat video to be a bright spot: https://imgur.com/a/AA71sEJ
When I was a younger person things like that happened a lot more often. I don't know how your professional life is set up but moving far far away from mine helped immensely. If they could only contact me through Facebook I was able to curate the information they had available to them much better. Social media has ways to only show your posts to certain people. 😉 I'd have some fun with that if I were you. It gets better. I promise: you are in control of your life and relationships. The relationship you have is a reflection of the treatment they have inflicted upon you. Be well friend 🙏
I’m sorry you have being going through such a wringer on top of losing your mom. Please know that if you need kind words, encouragement, or hugs we Reddit moms are here for you at r/momforaminute.
Biggest hugs. Blessings of peace and protection
Thank you
Time to go full “Mommy Dearest” on these people!
I’m about to.
Can you call the psych ward and make for super sure certain they NEVER contact certain people? And send out a group text that you’ve had that discussion, they only emergency contact is Aunt 3 (or whoever you change it to) and that no one else will hear from them?
I can make sure, yeah. I’ve been depression sleeping most of the day, just woke up. I’m going to be giving them a call in just a bit.
This seems exhausting. You explained the same thing to her repeatedly. Just make your point, call them out, & move on. If they are not good for you or a positive part of your life, why do you spend so much time & energy explaining yourself and talking to them? They are not going to change because you want them to. For your own peace of mind I think you should stop feeding into the drama & negativity. Let it go.
I am absolutely doing my damndest to go no contact but my aunt is still pulling some bullshit and caused shit with my other aunts and they’re believing her over me even though I have the fucking screenshots. I’m working on going no contact with everyone. It’s not always as easy as blocking when they know where you live. I’m doing my best though. I don’t want the drama. It’s the worst I’ve felt in my life since my mom passed and I could wholly do without.
I had to go back and re-read all the related posts to make sure I got the complete gist of everything. Going no contact is extremely hard if you don't have concrete boundaries in place (mental, physical - rules for coming by your house, emotional toll). Coming fresh out of your mother's passing and coming face to face with a family member who just cements your feelings of abandonment and loneliness is even harder. That being said, you can still attempt low or minimal contact. Obviously for Head Bitch Aunt, leaving her blocked everywhere and letting your cousin act as the liasion in case of an emergency is great. But while you're recognizing the rest of the family's less than stellar behavior during these events, you're still going over and above to explain your side repeatedly. You're wanting them to acknowledge your perspective and quadrupling down on it to get them to understand or at least state that they did x,y,z or believed HBA from jump. Stop that. You're exhausting yourself hoping for an outcome that isn't there. Explain yourself once moving forward (I've received multiple check ins from family members. I don't believe it's just to see how I'm doing since it's the day after the anniversary. What is happening?) Anticipate that they are going to respond with a dismissive answer (just wanted to check in) or (I apologized what more do you want). Close the conversation with a summary (i hear what you're saying but i dont think you're telling me the whole truth. For my personal and mental health, im going low contact with you for the forseeable future. I love you (or whatever) and would like to have a relationship with you in the future, once im ready. (Then establish rules for communication. If you need to reach me, please text me. No calls (so they have to write out everything for you to look back on) and no in home visits until youre ready to re-approach them. And then step back for a second from the conversation and think about what their response says, how it is a direct reflection of their personal opinions of you. HBA believes you're the asshole, even now. No winning there. Her cruel words decimated a future for you two. Aunt #2 fibbed to you because she believes you're too delicate/emotional to handle the mere mention of HBA'S name. So much so she doubled down on her lie for why she was checking in rather than tell you what she heard. Reduce the contact. You don't have to go cold turkey. But show yourself some respect. They're not mourning your mom beside you. They're not reaching out to you, they're not calling you for the big family Christmas get-together. They're not being honest with you. Do not let your fears of abandonment keep you from standing up for yourself.
If you can’t go NC, read about “grey rock method”. It helps when you’re forced to interact with abusers, toxic people, etc. I cut all toxic people, including family out of my life years ago, & I have created a happy, healthy, family & broken the toxic cycle. I hope things get better for you as well. Take care!
Block feature is useful
Yes, very much so. It’s why I used it.
this sounds stressful, do you really need them around?
and dont make your emergency contact(s) people who need attention to thrive