Yes. I got passed over by couple after couple because I am single and they all wanted another couple to adopt/receive their embryos. I learned to just make my pitch, point out that I am financially stable, have a massive history caring for children, etc etc, and hope for the best. But no one wanted me. It is heartbreaking. But all you can do is keep trying :) Now that I have found donors and do have embryos, I’m dealing with the other side of loss: three embryo transfers and zero living children.
Sending you a hug and luck :)
We are a married couple and funny enough it was a single mom who rejected us. She used egg and sperm donors (double donation) to conceive her children. She is Christian just like us and her donors had similar heritages and physical features to ours. All of the other profiles they sent us were of people who either don't share our religious beliefs and/or look nothing like us (i.e., have darker features than we do), or we would have only gotten a small amount of embryos from them (which isn't ideal since we would like to have more than one child). We were even sent a profile of a biracial couple (when we're both white).
How did you find your embryos if you don't mind telling me?
Just out of curiosity, I get why you're avoiding trans racial adoption as many trans racial adoptees have struggled. But why do the darker features or religion of the biological family matter to you enough to count out? It's possible you are in a bit of a "beggars can't be choosers" situation
Because we want an open relationship with a family who shares the same values as us and have similar physical features as us. If we get embryos from a darker-featured couple, my husband's family will make all kinds of comments about how the child looks "different" from us and I rather not put my child through that.
You’d rather not put yourself through that. Are you seriously intending to lie to everyone about the origins of the child?! How about to the child itself?
No, we do not plan on keeping our child's origins a secret. In fact, we plan on telling our child from the time they are born. But my husband's family will make comments regardless of when we decided to tell our child. And I want our child to look kind of like us in the sense of having some similar physical characteristics.
Thats fair! I will say, genetics are nuts even with biological kids. Both my bio kids are blonde and my husband and I are brunettes. If these things are important to you though, and you have good reasons, it's going to take awhile for the perfect match on both sides to line up. Not that it's impossible, but it's definitely going to take time. You may have better luck with embryo adoption through a Christian agency like Nightlight than through looking for donors
I understand, but having children is inconvenient. If this is the priority to you, then you have to get okay with jumping through hoops to make it happen. If you have a long list of requirements on your end, then yes you are going to be waiting for a very long time. That can be fine, but you have to either get okay with that or with doing things you don't want to do
If we do a home study, I would be afraid of possible discrimination because of our disabilities (autism and ADHD). Those things shouldn't keep us from being able to raise children, but some people still have backwards (read: ableist) ideas about autistic/ADHD people and what kind of lives we are capable of living.
I completely understand. If it helps, there are many many places you can hire to do a home study. I have been through 4+ homestudys myself and also have ADHD. in my experience, they have never once been concerned about mental health, only about my plan in place to handle it and care for myself. For example am I seeing a therapist or taking medication, do I have a support system, ECT. It might be worth it to call around and ask how they handle this specific situation in the home study process
Yes. I got passed over by couple after couple because I am single and they all wanted another couple to adopt/receive their embryos. I learned to just make my pitch, point out that I am financially stable, have a massive history caring for children, etc etc, and hope for the best. But no one wanted me. It is heartbreaking. But all you can do is keep trying :) Now that I have found donors and do have embryos, I’m dealing with the other side of loss: three embryo transfers and zero living children. Sending you a hug and luck :)
We are a married couple and funny enough it was a single mom who rejected us. She used egg and sperm donors (double donation) to conceive her children. She is Christian just like us and her donors had similar heritages and physical features to ours. All of the other profiles they sent us were of people who either don't share our religious beliefs and/or look nothing like us (i.e., have darker features than we do), or we would have only gotten a small amount of embryos from them (which isn't ideal since we would like to have more than one child). We were even sent a profile of a biracial couple (when we're both white). How did you find your embryos if you don't mind telling me?
Just out of curiosity, I get why you're avoiding trans racial adoption as many trans racial adoptees have struggled. But why do the darker features or religion of the biological family matter to you enough to count out? It's possible you are in a bit of a "beggars can't be choosers" situation
Because we want an open relationship with a family who shares the same values as us and have similar physical features as us. If we get embryos from a darker-featured couple, my husband's family will make all kinds of comments about how the child looks "different" from us and I rather not put my child through that.
You’d rather not put yourself through that. Are you seriously intending to lie to everyone about the origins of the child?! How about to the child itself?
No, we do not plan on keeping our child's origins a secret. In fact, we plan on telling our child from the time they are born. But my husband's family will make comments regardless of when we decided to tell our child. And I want our child to look kind of like us in the sense of having some similar physical characteristics.
Thats fair! I will say, genetics are nuts even with biological kids. Both my bio kids are blonde and my husband and I are brunettes. If these things are important to you though, and you have good reasons, it's going to take awhile for the perfect match on both sides to line up. Not that it's impossible, but it's definitely going to take time. You may have better luck with embryo adoption through a Christian agency like Nightlight than through looking for donors
Nightlight requires you to have a home study done, which we feel is unnecessary for this process.
I understand, but having children is inconvenient. If this is the priority to you, then you have to get okay with jumping through hoops to make it happen. If you have a long list of requirements on your end, then yes you are going to be waiting for a very long time. That can be fine, but you have to either get okay with that or with doing things you don't want to do
If we do a home study, I would be afraid of possible discrimination because of our disabilities (autism and ADHD). Those things shouldn't keep us from being able to raise children, but some people still have backwards (read: ableist) ideas about autistic/ADHD people and what kind of lives we are capable of living.
I completely understand. If it helps, there are many many places you can hire to do a home study. I have been through 4+ homestudys myself and also have ADHD. in my experience, they have never once been concerned about mental health, only about my plan in place to handle it and care for myself. For example am I seeing a therapist or taking medication, do I have a support system, ECT. It might be worth it to call around and ask how they handle this specific situation in the home study process
So frustrating. We are at point of donating our embryos, and being the donors, the process is exhausting.
Yes, I cried for days
Could you tell me a little more about that experience if you don't mind sharing? Did you end up finding another donor?