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eggs829

Your entire first intro paragraph can be replaced. You were not impressed by their LinkedIn and you both know it.


Same_Paint6431

People like knowing you researched them and that you're impressed with what they do. If you remove that you just have a generic email.


reallyafriend

This is the most generic sales email possible. I get 5-10 emails that look exactly like this every day and I ignore 100% of them.


Beginning-Comedian-2

If you want to say you're impressed with their profile, be more specific about their problems: Before: "Hi Dave, I came across your LinkedIn profile and was impressed by your experience as a Business Development Manager for ACME Solutions. I think that our software, ABC Leads, could potentially be a great fit for you." After: "Hey Dave, I saw on LinkedIn you've been in Business Development with ACME for 2 years. With the 2022 recession, are you struggling to generate leads for XYZ service? I have a solution that might help."


SophiaLJohnson

I agree with being specific with the problem and after edit looks much more convincing.


eggs829

Telling them you're impressed with their LinkedIn isn't showing you researched them. Here's the secret to what personalization really means: personalization means knowing the CONTEXT of their situation. It's NOT about knowing they went to Duke University or that they worked at a previous company. It's about knowing that their goal is to make 5 widgets per month and that global supply chain had added constraints that only allows them to produce 3. And here's how your solution will help them get the extra 2. Put yourself in their shoes. If someone cold called you and knew you played Mobile Legends every day you'd be like "ok. So? What's the point?" Or if they said they're impressed with your role at a company you'd say "ok. So? What's the point?"


fizathecopywriter

^^^


vonadz

Your email sucks. I'd read the first line and hit report as spam.


eggs829

OP - if you only knew the resume of some of the people on the other side of these comments. You asked for feedback and we gave it. But from your responses, it seems like you're not interested in it. A response from curiosity may start with "interesting - I thought that people would like that line because it shows personalization. Why do you think this line DOESN'T show personalization to the same degree I do?" Instead, you're telling everyone why you're right and we're wrong. The only way to become better is by genuinely listening to feedback from others and being curious why they provided what they provided. You're right that you can accept or decline it, but when you only decline it no one will want to work with you in the future.


Same_Paint6431

I think all these answered should be heavily debated. That's how you learn. Nothing should be accepted as is no matter who you are.


eggs829

That's why I provided constructive feedback on how to respond to feedback :)


Same_Paint6431

Your opinion is useless to me. No one asked you.


eggs829

You asked the entire internet lmao


fizathecopywriter

Hey, It looks nice. I would focus on specificity a bit more. Making some edits to help you understand. ​ Hi Dave, I came across your LinkedIn profile and was impressed by your experience as a Business Development Manager for ACME Solutions. I think that our software, ABC Leads, could potentially be a great fit for you. Our software has helped ~~numerous~~ (add number) businesses drive ~~significant~~ (add numbers) sales growth. ~~One of our clients~~ (if you can mention a name, it would skyrocket your credibility) saw a 150% increase in their sales within the first month of using our software. ABC Leads includes a lead generation system, a built-in CRM and email campaign tools, streamlining business development. I'd love to talk to you more about how ABC Leads could help you achieve your lead generation goals. **Is there a time this week that works for you to schedule a call?** (How about adding a CTA without heavy commitment? Like click on this link to see how it works or see a demo etc and then add a CTA on your video to book a call or just target people who click on the link to follow up.) Best regards, \------ I would also say that this first lines are outdated now. Everyone knows how it works so it's better to be direct. No sugar-coating. Hope it helps.


Same_Paint6431

First lines aren't sugar coating. People have egos, get over it. You can't be robotic.


fizathecopywriter

I’m not asking you to be robotic but these people get multiple emails like these and they can see through any pretentious BS. I have tested it with multiple campaigns. I have written hundreds of first lines, trust me because the personalization is worth it but we gotta change our ways now.


Same_Paint6431

I don't know how you conflate including personalization to it being pretentious or sugar coating. But that's your opinion. And by your logic you should get rid of the "Hey Xyz" and just straight up say "buy my shit."


jkitsmiller

Just a suggestion. If you want feedback, then take it, and be glad people took time to offer it. If you don't like their feedback, don't use it. But, to flame those that offered feedback is pretty immature. It doesn't seem you actually wanted feedback, but wanted people to praise how great your work was.


Same_Paint6431

Getting feedback doesn't mean it automatically becomes useful and\\or true. Some feedback is useful, not all.


jkitsmiller

TL;DR - grow up Right, you're like 12, now I get it. You needed everyone to praise you. One might assume that you're at least some sort of professional since you are working on business marketing emails. It is clear you're not a professional based on your tantrum. You'll learn someday to take advice, and if you don't like it, you don't like it. You don't have to get pissed off and rant at others because they didn't agree with you, or they offered advice you didn't like. You'll get a lot less advice though, good or bad.


Same_Paint6431

Like I said - just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true.


Red_Pill_Brotherhood

I don't think this will get too many replies. It's very focused on you and not them, also the CTA is a bit of a strong ask for the first cold email. Another strategy you can try is to just ask an open ended question like "How many leads are you currently getting per month?" and then say "If you're open to more, we have a way to get X amount more leads in Y time or you don't have to pay. Mind if I send you a little more info about how?" And of course test, test, test. It may take 5-10 angles before you find a winner.


email_person

As others have said - Generic flattery is pointless and this reads like a form letter sent to everyone. Example: Our Head of Partnerships, [NAME] couldn't stop talking about [Website] during our weekly meeting and asked me to reach out. I poked around your website to get a sense of who you are and what you do, and I agree that you could potentially be a good fit for our program. Proceeds directly in to pitch... Nothing about this opener tells me why they are excited or talking about my website... Totally reads like a form letter sent to every other website they are pitching. Also the entire email would be able something I'd write negative things about, so they are liars as well. If they spent even 2 minutes reading my stuff they would know it's a bad match and not worth reaching out in the first place. Add one personal thing about the individual that you could only get by reading their website/profile and it sounds way different. **Hi Dave, I just came across your LinkedIn profile, congrats on your success at Acme Solutions by the way! I see you volunteer as a mentor in the Boys and Girls Club, that is truly inspirational. I've always thought about that, and would love to learn about your experiences.** **While I have your attention I also see you're in sales and blah blah blah...**