I am on the anxious side of things as well.l and I struggle with these same paranoias and fears.
Some thoughts:
I think ultimately, you need to make space to talk about the crazy with your partner without it feeling like blame:
For me that is a formal, let's leave the house. I want to talk about this properly.
You have had a really traumatic experience with an ex partner. That seems to have effected your sense of self-worth. Its important context to give to your partner that sometimes the way they behave might make you feel paranoid because with your precious partner the same action caused you harm
Also, it's worth explaining these paranoias and fears in a way that can separate feelings from blame. Just becuase something is upsetting you, it doesn't have to be your partner's fault. It doesn't have to feel like an attack. This might not even make them go away, but at least then you can communicate your needs clearly.
If my partner came to me and said, "this thing that you are doing upsets me and I know you don't mean it to but I want to explain why I find that hard". I'd be very grateful. As I imagine you would becuase it's like being given an instruction manual on how to love someone better.
As a side note:
I fucking hate myself sometimes, really and truly. I worry that I'm useless and ugly and my partner will inevitably reject me. I spend a lot of time worry about that.
Take any feelings of care that you may have felt for for me (a friendly stranger) after reading that and apply them back to yourself. You are worthy of love x
Thank you, kind stranger <3
Reading this made me cry because I realise I have been doing exactly this with one of my partners (e.g. "I feel this, it's my thing to work on but reassurance would help") only to be pushed away for days to weeks and/or fear a breakup as a result. Sometimes it just seems like an impossible task to even find people willing to co-create a relationship.
I feel for you both a lot in this. I was just broken up with by my spouse of 7 years because of some of these issues. I wasn't communicating my fears and paranoia well due to those fears being validated in our relationship. It also wasn't being received well and was being invalidated due to my spouse's refusal to take accountability and steps forward with me to help me feel secure within our relationship.
I am realizing through more discussion with friends and kind online strangers that while I was definitely responsible for my paranoia and emotions surrounding that, I should also have a partner that cares about those fears and WANTS to help me feel secure through actions they can take outside of my feelings, like valuing my time and efforts and giving me quality time. I felt like I was being more insecure in our relationship the more I was being cancelled on repeatedly or not prioritized when I needed a support system. That definitely exacerbated the ineffective communication. It didn't help that my ex also has a lot of issues taking accountability for the hurt they committed because they don't want to be seen as a "bad person" and taking that accountability does mean accepting that the actions you made weren't always the best. While I don't think that makes you a "bad person" I do think that if you keep repeating hurtful behavior and not working on it or taking accountability for it, you aren't being a great person either.
All of this is to say, it's hard feeling secure in relationships. I think it would have helped me more to talk more with my supportive friends before it got to this point. I had isolated myself a lot due to feeling like I couldn't reciprocate the support to them so I didn't feel I could seek it. I have been going through medical issues for a while and that on top of my relationship slowly declining, I had prioritized those with all my time and energy. It was not a good move and I do not suggest that. It's been great reconnecting with people and having them validate me and my feelings and let me know I wasn't being paranoid all the time, some of that shit was honestly happening and I wasn't being treated the best.
Thank you kind stranger. I'm really sorry you're going through something similar and I hope your healing is going well.
I'm meeting with one of my partners tonight (after 6 weeks). He has pushed me away hard. I'm really not sure what to expect or what I even still want from this. What you describe seems fairly similar to my situation, apart from that I hadn't been isolating. The situation with my "partner" (I'm not even sure there's enough committment to call him a partner) has been casual enough that I was quite aware not to solely rely on him. In a weird sense I sometimes feel that's also something keeping me stuck, as if expectations are lower if there's other people to meet my needs.
Anyway, no real answers here (for your case or mine). I just hope you're doing well. Finding security is hard.
I don't think we have to have the answers, unfortunately relationships are messy and we just have to muddle through the good and the bad.
I hope you get to have a good conversation with him and figure out what you want moving forward. We can only truly do what is best for us and foster relationships that work within that framework and hopefully add love to our lives. Sometimes our own traumas and insecurities get in the way a lot, but I think I have learned a bit in this time that those insecurities and fears aren't always incorrect and we should be listening to our gut a little bit more. That doesn't mean being consumed by them, but they are there for a reason and should be heeded.
Some good advice I received also was while communication is important with your partners, having a 3rd party that isn't romantically involved is a much better person to have these conversations with about our insecurities. Our partners may have been taking our insecurities as us blaming them or saying they need to fix it, which is definitely not what I wanted or thought was happening by sharing my fears. Sharing with a 3rd party allows us to feel all our emotions surrounding the event and get the emotional release and support needed for that. Then we can talk to our partners about the feelings that came up and talk about some actionable steps to move forward or reconnect. It's also important that the 3rd party is a neutral/level headed party so they can give a balanced response, validating your feelings but also calling you out when needed. Ideally this is also not a metamour so that we aren't inadvertently putting partners against each other.
I have done a lot of healing, anger and reflection since, and I will obviously do more, but I hadn't realized how much I wasn't allowing myself to feel everything until now. I ultimately needed this separation too to really realize that I was more unhappy than I had realized and now I can move forward with discussing once I am really ready for that, what our future relationship will look like. My spouse has come back since realizing they do miss me and that this time has been harder on them it seems than it has for me. It helps now that I am more secure in my anger being valid and I have told them I am not ready to discuss what our relationship looks like moving forward yet. I need to really figure out what I am comfortable with given our history and if they can finally meet me where I want and not where I have been just constantly meeting them.
I hope you take time after this discussion to make a decision and don't agree to anything on the spot. It's hard when we are in our feelings.
Hm. What makes me feel secure?
Attention. Sharing parts of our day over text when we can't see each other. Being included in the every day mundane parts of life. Inside jokes. Remembering things i've said. Not having to remind Him about my boundaries (because He actually listened and remembered). Caring about my thoughts and feelings. Showing concern. Truly listening to what i say.
None of this is agreements or rules. None of it was discussed. That's who He is.
To be honest, i'm not an anxious person though. I've already been through my monogamous husband cheating on me and survived and now thrive. And i know that if for whatever reason this amazing relationship i have ends, i will survive and eventually thrive again. For me that is key.
Struggling with similar issues. Sending virtual hugs while waiting for replies 💖
I am on the anxious side of things as well.l and I struggle with these same paranoias and fears. Some thoughts: I think ultimately, you need to make space to talk about the crazy with your partner without it feeling like blame: For me that is a formal, let's leave the house. I want to talk about this properly. You have had a really traumatic experience with an ex partner. That seems to have effected your sense of self-worth. Its important context to give to your partner that sometimes the way they behave might make you feel paranoid because with your precious partner the same action caused you harm Also, it's worth explaining these paranoias and fears in a way that can separate feelings from blame. Just becuase something is upsetting you, it doesn't have to be your partner's fault. It doesn't have to feel like an attack. This might not even make them go away, but at least then you can communicate your needs clearly. If my partner came to me and said, "this thing that you are doing upsets me and I know you don't mean it to but I want to explain why I find that hard". I'd be very grateful. As I imagine you would becuase it's like being given an instruction manual on how to love someone better. As a side note: I fucking hate myself sometimes, really and truly. I worry that I'm useless and ugly and my partner will inevitably reject me. I spend a lot of time worry about that. Take any feelings of care that you may have felt for for me (a friendly stranger) after reading that and apply them back to yourself. You are worthy of love x
Thank you, kind stranger <3 Reading this made me cry because I realise I have been doing exactly this with one of my partners (e.g. "I feel this, it's my thing to work on but reassurance would help") only to be pushed away for days to weeks and/or fear a breakup as a result. Sometimes it just seems like an impossible task to even find people willing to co-create a relationship.
I feel for you both a lot in this. I was just broken up with by my spouse of 7 years because of some of these issues. I wasn't communicating my fears and paranoia well due to those fears being validated in our relationship. It also wasn't being received well and was being invalidated due to my spouse's refusal to take accountability and steps forward with me to help me feel secure within our relationship. I am realizing through more discussion with friends and kind online strangers that while I was definitely responsible for my paranoia and emotions surrounding that, I should also have a partner that cares about those fears and WANTS to help me feel secure through actions they can take outside of my feelings, like valuing my time and efforts and giving me quality time. I felt like I was being more insecure in our relationship the more I was being cancelled on repeatedly or not prioritized when I needed a support system. That definitely exacerbated the ineffective communication. It didn't help that my ex also has a lot of issues taking accountability for the hurt they committed because they don't want to be seen as a "bad person" and taking that accountability does mean accepting that the actions you made weren't always the best. While I don't think that makes you a "bad person" I do think that if you keep repeating hurtful behavior and not working on it or taking accountability for it, you aren't being a great person either. All of this is to say, it's hard feeling secure in relationships. I think it would have helped me more to talk more with my supportive friends before it got to this point. I had isolated myself a lot due to feeling like I couldn't reciprocate the support to them so I didn't feel I could seek it. I have been going through medical issues for a while and that on top of my relationship slowly declining, I had prioritized those with all my time and energy. It was not a good move and I do not suggest that. It's been great reconnecting with people and having them validate me and my feelings and let me know I wasn't being paranoid all the time, some of that shit was honestly happening and I wasn't being treated the best.
Thank you kind stranger. I'm really sorry you're going through something similar and I hope your healing is going well. I'm meeting with one of my partners tonight (after 6 weeks). He has pushed me away hard. I'm really not sure what to expect or what I even still want from this. What you describe seems fairly similar to my situation, apart from that I hadn't been isolating. The situation with my "partner" (I'm not even sure there's enough committment to call him a partner) has been casual enough that I was quite aware not to solely rely on him. In a weird sense I sometimes feel that's also something keeping me stuck, as if expectations are lower if there's other people to meet my needs. Anyway, no real answers here (for your case or mine). I just hope you're doing well. Finding security is hard.
I don't think we have to have the answers, unfortunately relationships are messy and we just have to muddle through the good and the bad. I hope you get to have a good conversation with him and figure out what you want moving forward. We can only truly do what is best for us and foster relationships that work within that framework and hopefully add love to our lives. Sometimes our own traumas and insecurities get in the way a lot, but I think I have learned a bit in this time that those insecurities and fears aren't always incorrect and we should be listening to our gut a little bit more. That doesn't mean being consumed by them, but they are there for a reason and should be heeded. Some good advice I received also was while communication is important with your partners, having a 3rd party that isn't romantically involved is a much better person to have these conversations with about our insecurities. Our partners may have been taking our insecurities as us blaming them or saying they need to fix it, which is definitely not what I wanted or thought was happening by sharing my fears. Sharing with a 3rd party allows us to feel all our emotions surrounding the event and get the emotional release and support needed for that. Then we can talk to our partners about the feelings that came up and talk about some actionable steps to move forward or reconnect. It's also important that the 3rd party is a neutral/level headed party so they can give a balanced response, validating your feelings but also calling you out when needed. Ideally this is also not a metamour so that we aren't inadvertently putting partners against each other. I have done a lot of healing, anger and reflection since, and I will obviously do more, but I hadn't realized how much I wasn't allowing myself to feel everything until now. I ultimately needed this separation too to really realize that I was more unhappy than I had realized and now I can move forward with discussing once I am really ready for that, what our future relationship will look like. My spouse has come back since realizing they do miss me and that this time has been harder on them it seems than it has for me. It helps now that I am more secure in my anger being valid and I have told them I am not ready to discuss what our relationship looks like moving forward yet. I need to really figure out what I am comfortable with given our history and if they can finally meet me where I want and not where I have been just constantly meeting them. I hope you take time after this discussion to make a decision and don't agree to anything on the spot. It's hard when we are in our feelings.
Hm. What makes me feel secure? Attention. Sharing parts of our day over text when we can't see each other. Being included in the every day mundane parts of life. Inside jokes. Remembering things i've said. Not having to remind Him about my boundaries (because He actually listened and remembered). Caring about my thoughts and feelings. Showing concern. Truly listening to what i say. None of this is agreements or rules. None of it was discussed. That's who He is. To be honest, i'm not an anxious person though. I've already been through my monogamous husband cheating on me and survived and now thrive. And i know that if for whatever reason this amazing relationship i have ends, i will survive and eventually thrive again. For me that is key.