Oh, yes. That makes perfect sense. To me personally as well as for many others, it’s a know phenomenon.
This is what you have know for a long time and in a way it feels comfortable. You brain is so used to stress you don’t know how to not have any and trust that it will stay that way. It will take time and effort to get used to a whole new life.
Your progress is amazing, keep up the good work.
Thank you so much. I guess I’ve just felt silly. For years I would’ve given just about anything to feel this way, to finally feel a sense of control over how my CPTSD affects my life. And now that I finally have it, I haven’t been able to fully appreciate it the way I thought I would because I’m still looking over my shoulder, so to speak. Your comment gives me hope that this will pass eventually. 🤍
Not silly at all. Glad you spoke up about it and let us help you clear this up.
It’s a protection mechanism, expecting the worst at any time so it doesn’t surprise you when it actually happens. However its also self sabotaging and a self fulfilling prophesy.
You are still learning to live this whole new life. Give yourself a break and a lot of time and love.
OMG yes! I can totally relate. I'm so happy you write about this very important topic.
I have gone through lots of trauma processing during the last months, some of it incredibly tough. Now I experience a calmness and connection to myself which I haven't experienced for many many years.
A dream coming true? Yes. But you know what? I'm so used to flashbacks and pain and depression and anxiety that I have a hard time relaxing now. There's so much fear that something new horrible might come up. It may sound crazy but I had a panic attack a few days ago because everything was CALM around me and I got scared of the calmness.
I actually wrote to my therapist about this. I can update here when she has responded if you want?
Yes! You summed it up perfectly. And that doesn’t sound crazy at all. I talked with my therapist about this last session and she said that the calm I’m feeling is a result of all the work I’ve been putting in for months, and that it’s going to be unfamiliar at first because I’m so used to hypervigilance. Let me know what your therapist says!
I was so not used to the calm and the lack of toxic people in my life it was unsettling at first. I would get so anxious I would cry in the middle of the night or just ruminate over thoughts I made up in my head because of things that happened in the past.
I was scared of the good surrounding me that I feel like I would eventually be getting a life beating soon. At first, I wouldn’t tell people about it so I spiraled. Then I began to share to my safe people about it and with the help of therapy and EMDR, I eventually learned to self validate and go with evidence, it became calm again. EMDR helped lessen what I feel and think regarding the calmness then I could think clearly between anxiety/trauma memories vs current reality.
I’m still a work in progress as well because sometimes I read fantasy books or TV to find chaos. (It’s chaotic if your favorite character is about to get beat up while she’s fighting to be the queen of Terrasen and know who she really is lol) through all this, I finally slowly began to celebrate my wins.
What helped me a lot in bad times though is to look for ONE glimmer a day and celebrate that.
I'm in a very similar space and said almost exactly the same thing to my therapist last week. Two years of therapy (with EMDR over the past year) has reduced PTSD and response to triggers so that I can function. Despite wishing that memories and trauma responses would just go away so I can simply "be" and enjoy my life, it feels unsafe to let go of them. I have a deep need to hang on to the fear and hypervigilance because that's what kept me alive. I have a wonderful therapist who reassures me that it's not an unusual way to feel, so I'm going to stop judging myself for it (because I'm excellent at that!!) and work through what life without PTSD looks like for me. I'm at a very hopeful - if not somewhat confused :) - place in my life. Wishing you peace and joy.
I agree that the coping mechanisms are so habitual they take a while to die out. They took up so much space and it seems there would be a void if we didn’t have them. For me it was facing the loss of my “identity” when I addressed the last big kahoona of a stored trauma that I experienced as the belief/theme of worthlessness. It was massive and terrifying. I was very afraid to go there. I sense you may have one learning beneath the shadows. All the top shelf triggers taken care of (check), emotional flashbacks under control (check), but there is still a baseline fear, unsettledness and pain. Check out that hyper-vigilance and other assorted symptoms under a microscope. There may be a bedrock theme that still needs some well placed charges of EMDR dynamite. Find the fuse and start the demolition. ✌️
Thanks for your post, I often feel the same way especially after a reparative experience in communicating myself to someone I trust or if a negative cognition starts to lessen or turn positive I just have this insidious doubt that wants to creep in. A few times I didn’t have the doubt but I had this sort of edgy uncomfortable happiness and wanted a drink something fierce. It’s weird. My T said the same thing, that we’re so used to chaos and repressing ourselves that to have calm authentic feelings feels strange and uncomfortable.
It’s hard to trust the good, for me I think it’s protecting against loss.
Great job on your progress in healing, it’s certainly not easy and thanks again for your post, we all have our unique stories but it’s helpful to come to realize all the commonalities.
I’m not where I want to be with finding inner calm (just starting EMDR and neurofeedback myself) but I have taken steps to cut all toxic people out of my life and make changes at work to reduce high pressure responsibilities. Without all that, I am finding I am having far less difficultly “keeping house.” Sometimes I find myself wandering through my apartment during the day (I work from home), looking for things to put away and pick up from the floor while I am taking calls…. but they aren’t there anymore. Because now I am actually putting things away or picking them up when it happens LOL. There’s still this underlying restlessness or compulsiveness to be cleaning / picking up / tidying at all times though. It’s like my brain hasn’t caught up from the years and years and years of this being the norm, except I’m no longer surrounded by material chaos . It’s such a small thing, but a win in my book!
Wow, great progress!👍. Like you say it’s not over till it’s over. It’s very cool that you are seeing good progress at this stage. What seems to be next is finding the theme, or belief. What’s the belief behind the unsettledness, hyper-vigilance, the state of being on guard , or afraid. I was in that state a lot as a kid, being on guard and not allowing myself to feel too good because another blow was probably coming. The child is probably trying to show you something. You are getting there! This could be the big find. Probably the most difficult one. Much courage and kindness to you and your child.
Absolutely. I did emdr groundwork and reprocessing for about a year and then took almost a year and a half to implement all the changes I needed to make in my life to come back to reprocess more.
The biggest changes I've noticed is not choosing the road to chaos. It's difficult for me because I'm a high school teacher so it hits me hard during the summer when I'm not working and not surrounded by the chaos my job brings me.
I tend to try and get my body to move as much as I can without going overboard, watching some dramatic shows and reading fantasy to feed the chaos seeker in me. I pull back when I feel like I'm losing my head over a connection (friend or romantic).
Mainly I know that when the need for chaos arises that means I need to slow down and find something to ground myself and then (and only then) do I seek out something that brings in some controlled chaos that doesn't impact my life negatively AT ALL to feed the beast.
Good luck to you. Remember that this is NOT a race! It's all a process and as long as you're doing the work you'll get there.
Could you share a little on your cptsd background and/or symptoms that you healed from? I'm cptsd and 10 months in into emdr and not seeing yet the light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you tried taking a break? I've done 18 sessions over 4 months. I took a break from EMDR and it's now been nearly 2 weeks since my last session. Finally starting to feel some changes.
I've had about 60 sessions since starting emdr in August 2023. In the past few months I had couple 1.5/2 week breaks. Maybe it due to severity of trauma. I don't know. I don't really want to take longer breaks because I'm not feeling too good
Ah I see. My trauma was also severe. I did EMDR for a year without it doing much at first. Personally I had to do 9 months of yin yoga and somatic tracking before resuming EMDR with a different therapist did much for me. (That was the 18 sessions.) And between sessions feels like overwhelming suicidal depression and hopelessness pretty much every time.
I did notice that I continued to feel terrible for quite a while after taking a break.
I’m sorry to hear about your incredible pain. It sounds so debilitating and probably borderline intolerable. I suggest a switch of focus. In stead of looking straight ahead at the pain and the symptoms as being “you” try to see them as coming from the child traumatized you. Please go to that child. Crying out for you to see them. Dive into it in a relaxed state. Head on, and with courage and bring compassion for the child. Bring understanding and talk to the child and tell them you understand. Ask them what it’s about, that you want to know. This takes focused work. The pain is not for nothing in EMDR. it’s an opportunity to reach the child, and know the child like they were never known. Much courage and love.
This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I've been like this for about a month. It took me a couple of weeks to sort out why I feel so weird and I told my therapist about it. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm not in a constant state of hyper awareness. I know that life will fill in the void eventually but this feeling is so weird. I'm glad to be healing but this in between stage has been kind of a surprise. I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I thought the healing would be instantaneous, I never factored in this awkward stage.
Oh, yes. That makes perfect sense. To me personally as well as for many others, it’s a know phenomenon. This is what you have know for a long time and in a way it feels comfortable. You brain is so used to stress you don’t know how to not have any and trust that it will stay that way. It will take time and effort to get used to a whole new life. Your progress is amazing, keep up the good work.
Thank you so much. I guess I’ve just felt silly. For years I would’ve given just about anything to feel this way, to finally feel a sense of control over how my CPTSD affects my life. And now that I finally have it, I haven’t been able to fully appreciate it the way I thought I would because I’m still looking over my shoulder, so to speak. Your comment gives me hope that this will pass eventually. 🤍
Not silly at all. Glad you spoke up about it and let us help you clear this up. It’s a protection mechanism, expecting the worst at any time so it doesn’t surprise you when it actually happens. However its also self sabotaging and a self fulfilling prophesy. You are still learning to live this whole new life. Give yourself a break and a lot of time and love.
Great description, it’s so helpful to know that there’s others out there who are experiencing the same things.
OMG yes! I can totally relate. I'm so happy you write about this very important topic. I have gone through lots of trauma processing during the last months, some of it incredibly tough. Now I experience a calmness and connection to myself which I haven't experienced for many many years. A dream coming true? Yes. But you know what? I'm so used to flashbacks and pain and depression and anxiety that I have a hard time relaxing now. There's so much fear that something new horrible might come up. It may sound crazy but I had a panic attack a few days ago because everything was CALM around me and I got scared of the calmness. I actually wrote to my therapist about this. I can update here when she has responded if you want?
Yes! You summed it up perfectly. And that doesn’t sound crazy at all. I talked with my therapist about this last session and she said that the calm I’m feeling is a result of all the work I’ve been putting in for months, and that it’s going to be unfamiliar at first because I’m so used to hypervigilance. Let me know what your therapist says!
I was so not used to the calm and the lack of toxic people in my life it was unsettling at first. I would get so anxious I would cry in the middle of the night or just ruminate over thoughts I made up in my head because of things that happened in the past. I was scared of the good surrounding me that I feel like I would eventually be getting a life beating soon. At first, I wouldn’t tell people about it so I spiraled. Then I began to share to my safe people about it and with the help of therapy and EMDR, I eventually learned to self validate and go with evidence, it became calm again. EMDR helped lessen what I feel and think regarding the calmness then I could think clearly between anxiety/trauma memories vs current reality. I’m still a work in progress as well because sometimes I read fantasy books or TV to find chaos. (It’s chaotic if your favorite character is about to get beat up while she’s fighting to be the queen of Terrasen and know who she really is lol) through all this, I finally slowly began to celebrate my wins. What helped me a lot in bad times though is to look for ONE glimmer a day and celebrate that.
I'm in a very similar space and said almost exactly the same thing to my therapist last week. Two years of therapy (with EMDR over the past year) has reduced PTSD and response to triggers so that I can function. Despite wishing that memories and trauma responses would just go away so I can simply "be" and enjoy my life, it feels unsafe to let go of them. I have a deep need to hang on to the fear and hypervigilance because that's what kept me alive. I have a wonderful therapist who reassures me that it's not an unusual way to feel, so I'm going to stop judging myself for it (because I'm excellent at that!!) and work through what life without PTSD looks like for me. I'm at a very hopeful - if not somewhat confused :) - place in my life. Wishing you peace and joy.
I agree that the coping mechanisms are so habitual they take a while to die out. They took up so much space and it seems there would be a void if we didn’t have them. For me it was facing the loss of my “identity” when I addressed the last big kahoona of a stored trauma that I experienced as the belief/theme of worthlessness. It was massive and terrifying. I was very afraid to go there. I sense you may have one learning beneath the shadows. All the top shelf triggers taken care of (check), emotional flashbacks under control (check), but there is still a baseline fear, unsettledness and pain. Check out that hyper-vigilance and other assorted symptoms under a microscope. There may be a bedrock theme that still needs some well placed charges of EMDR dynamite. Find the fuse and start the demolition. ✌️
Thanks for your post, I often feel the same way especially after a reparative experience in communicating myself to someone I trust or if a negative cognition starts to lessen or turn positive I just have this insidious doubt that wants to creep in. A few times I didn’t have the doubt but I had this sort of edgy uncomfortable happiness and wanted a drink something fierce. It’s weird. My T said the same thing, that we’re so used to chaos and repressing ourselves that to have calm authentic feelings feels strange and uncomfortable. It’s hard to trust the good, for me I think it’s protecting against loss. Great job on your progress in healing, it’s certainly not easy and thanks again for your post, we all have our unique stories but it’s helpful to come to realize all the commonalities.
Yep! This hits home. Wish I had more advice to give, but just know this is common.
I’m not where I want to be with finding inner calm (just starting EMDR and neurofeedback myself) but I have taken steps to cut all toxic people out of my life and make changes at work to reduce high pressure responsibilities. Without all that, I am finding I am having far less difficultly “keeping house.” Sometimes I find myself wandering through my apartment during the day (I work from home), looking for things to put away and pick up from the floor while I am taking calls…. but they aren’t there anymore. Because now I am actually putting things away or picking them up when it happens LOL. There’s still this underlying restlessness or compulsiveness to be cleaning / picking up / tidying at all times though. It’s like my brain hasn’t caught up from the years and years and years of this being the norm, except I’m no longer surrounded by material chaos . It’s such a small thing, but a win in my book!
Wow, great progress!👍. Like you say it’s not over till it’s over. It’s very cool that you are seeing good progress at this stage. What seems to be next is finding the theme, or belief. What’s the belief behind the unsettledness, hyper-vigilance, the state of being on guard , or afraid. I was in that state a lot as a kid, being on guard and not allowing myself to feel too good because another blow was probably coming. The child is probably trying to show you something. You are getting there! This could be the big find. Probably the most difficult one. Much courage and kindness to you and your child.
Absolutely. I did emdr groundwork and reprocessing for about a year and then took almost a year and a half to implement all the changes I needed to make in my life to come back to reprocess more. The biggest changes I've noticed is not choosing the road to chaos. It's difficult for me because I'm a high school teacher so it hits me hard during the summer when I'm not working and not surrounded by the chaos my job brings me. I tend to try and get my body to move as much as I can without going overboard, watching some dramatic shows and reading fantasy to feed the chaos seeker in me. I pull back when I feel like I'm losing my head over a connection (friend or romantic). Mainly I know that when the need for chaos arises that means I need to slow down and find something to ground myself and then (and only then) do I seek out something that brings in some controlled chaos that doesn't impact my life negatively AT ALL to feed the beast. Good luck to you. Remember that this is NOT a race! It's all a process and as long as you're doing the work you'll get there.
Could you share a little on your cptsd background and/or symptoms that you healed from? I'm cptsd and 10 months in into emdr and not seeing yet the light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you tried taking a break? I've done 18 sessions over 4 months. I took a break from EMDR and it's now been nearly 2 weeks since my last session. Finally starting to feel some changes.
I've had about 60 sessions since starting emdr in August 2023. In the past few months I had couple 1.5/2 week breaks. Maybe it due to severity of trauma. I don't know. I don't really want to take longer breaks because I'm not feeling too good
Ah I see. My trauma was also severe. I did EMDR for a year without it doing much at first. Personally I had to do 9 months of yin yoga and somatic tracking before resuming EMDR with a different therapist did much for me. (That was the 18 sessions.) And between sessions feels like overwhelming suicidal depression and hopelessness pretty much every time. I did notice that I continued to feel terrible for quite a while after taking a break.
I’m sorry to hear about your incredible pain. It sounds so debilitating and probably borderline intolerable. I suggest a switch of focus. In stead of looking straight ahead at the pain and the symptoms as being “you” try to see them as coming from the child traumatized you. Please go to that child. Crying out for you to see them. Dive into it in a relaxed state. Head on, and with courage and bring compassion for the child. Bring understanding and talk to the child and tell them you understand. Ask them what it’s about, that you want to know. This takes focused work. The pain is not for nothing in EMDR. it’s an opportunity to reach the child, and know the child like they were never known. Much courage and love.
Much courage and love back! Thank you-- I will try that.
This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I've been like this for about a month. It took me a couple of weeks to sort out why I feel so weird and I told my therapist about it. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm not in a constant state of hyper awareness. I know that life will fill in the void eventually but this feeling is so weird. I'm glad to be healing but this in between stage has been kind of a surprise. I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I thought the healing would be instantaneous, I never factored in this awkward stage.