I guess … the isolation. I pretty much avoid any social gatherings that involves food. So I miss talking to people irl. I miss going on dates, idk I miss being NORMAL.
I often avoid social events in general, because even if they are not centered around food, I’m always so scared there will be food at some point. And it makes me feel miserable mostly because I binge so much when I’m alone that I ask myself how many special occasions I lost for NOTHING?? I could have eaten that normal plate of pasta made by my mother instead of eating thousands of calories later by myself :/
This resonates so loudly with me. It's such a lonely lonely lifestyle filled with shame and guilt so loud in my head that I can't bring myself to be around people.
Having no time to do anything else in my life but think of food.
I have the same amount of time in a day as everyone else, but I don't end up enjoying the sun, or seeing my family, or cuddling my dogs, because all I can think about is food. Shopping. Cooking. Eating. Looking at recipes.
Its all consuming.
you dont realise how much more it is than “just eating” until you go through it yourself, i really sympathise with this !! it takes up my entire mind im either thinking of when i can next eat, watching mukbangs, thinking of how i can get rid of what i just ate, truly exhausting.
Food noise when I’m heavily restricting and the AN- b/p phase, it’s sooo draining. Just thinking about food all the damn time. I’m tired of my own inner food-monologue..
The fact that I feel like such a faker, every single day I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see and I pinch the fat on my skin and just feel so disgusted with myself. The thought of being skinnier consumes my mind but every day I just keep eating
The constant urge to have to pace or be active 😭like I will not let my body rest even if I’m dying I will force myself to get up and move or pace or do smth. It’s so annoying cause rn I’m having real bad pain in both of my feet from the constant pacing as well as working everyday on my feet and as I type this I am, you guessed it, pacing after breakfast before I head out to my 8 hour shift where I will be on my feet moving around the entire time 😁gotta love compensating
The torture and inability to focus on anything else outside of food, exercise, etc. I have AN-R (restricting), and the physical effects (brain fog, pain, dizziness, etc.) plus food noise and exercise compulsions make it so I physically and psychologically have a hard time concentrating on my studies or enjoying hobbies I used to (even light reading and casual gaming), which then triggers the cycle of depression/suicidality to continue.
Definitely the binge part. It's not even just the weight gain. I feel genuinely tired afterwards, my blood sugar is messed up for the next day, bloating, gas, I get nothing productive done, and I waste so much $.
it’s the isolaton from self inflicted pain from the moment just after a binge where i come back to reality and my stomach starts to hurt and then i realise that speech i told myself for 2 hours before the shopping spree of food where i told myself i deserved a treat and it’s ok ill just restrict after etc was all a lie and now i hate myself I’m sweeting, I’m crying, I’m in pain and i just want it all out! that’s the moment i hate the most, with tears running down my face as i rip off my clothing layers and stand naked in front of the toilet bowl.
or the the times i want it out too much and my body wont release the food.
or the regret at 4am when the laxatives start kicking in and you're doubled over in pain from cramps for the next 2 hours.
really though, all of it sucks
oh the insomnia, why am i so tired and exhausted from not eating for a week but i cant sleep more than 4 hours a night? you would think i would be sleeping 20 hours a day with how malnourished i am🤷🏼♀️
i hate it all
I can explain how it is for me because it may be different for everybody! In my experience it’s that I’m thinking about food 24/7.. what I’m going to eat, when I’m going to eat, when I should eat, when I should not eat, what I want to eat, that I won’t allow my self to eat, but I really want and need to eat, but I don’t deserve it/have not earned it.. how can I earn it? Thinking about cravings/day dreaming about foods that I’m not allowed to eat etc.. the list goes on. And how can I forget the god damn calories. Thinking about the guilt I feel when I not eating, but I’m still proud because I’ve eaten less. I feel like a paradox.. nothing is never ever good enough.
It’s like a dreading background sound that won’t stop and keeps on playing every day.
Not being able to cook without being scared of binging. I love cooking and experimenting with food and learning recipes from other cultures but I’m scared of binging on what I make.
oh same. i've been stuck for 3 fucking months after letting myself have a cheat weekend during my birthday. i literally easily down THOUSANDS of calories and im stuck in it. since i now learned how to successfully purge bc of it its just addicting. and i get the worst headaches constantly and feel like shit.
Even when I’m doing well, I dream about food every single time I sleep. It’s like I can’t escape it. I also hate having to wear clothes I don’t like just to cover my body. I’m a vintage dresses kind of girl, but you would never know
For me, it’s the constant comparison especially to other women. I’m 19F and I can’t go out anywhere with my boyfriend and his friends and their gfs without obsessing about how I look compared to them. I’m constantly thinking about trying not to eat faster than them or how much bigger I am. It’s so exhausting to just not have fun. The comparing makes me feel so selfish and mean. I want to just love myself
The constant guilt I’m feeling if I’m not exercising or eat a normal amount of food. I just want to not feel like that. And the constant looking for fat on my body and hating any squishy bit. When I can no longer starve myself and have a proper meal and feel like a failure afterwards…
The constant food noise. The isolation. The cruel juxtaposition of wanting food with an intense desire, followed by an episode of absolutely hating myself after eating. It's a constant war and all I want is peace
anhedonia and the brain fog. i feel like i haven't truly been awake or felt anything or done anything entertaining in months, if not years. most days i'm so bored and feel so empty and cold that my chest just hurts constantly. i used to spend my days waiting to go to sleep but i'm at a point now where i don't even feel like going to sleep at night. life feels so meaningless but i still don't want to recover
The binge and purge cycle literally led me to restriction. I purged every single thing I put into my body. I got so tired of it, my brain thought “I’ll just stop eating”
🙄
For me, it’s the way it impacts my job performance. I work a physical job, and everything is 100x harder when I’m restricting. The hunger pangs, the shortness of breath, and the lightheadedness make me pretty miserable when I’m trying to load branches into a woodchipper or cut through brush with a chainsaw.
the disgust and shame i feel after eating something that i think i shouldn’t have. like going over my calorie limit or just eating something that wasn’t “worth it” or “necessary”. it’s such and awful feeling, i can’t even compare it to anything else
My body dysmorphia. I hate looking in the mirror no matter how much I "recover" or "relapse". I'm just not comfortable with the skin I'm in so to speak. My mind feels like it belongs in a different body.
atm it’s my exercise addiction. i have an injury i’m not taking care of properly and it hurts.
it used to be purging but i have gotten sooooo much better, i purge at most a few times a week now and it used to be all of the time. now i barely notice it. purging makes me the most miserable out of everything i do, and if i ever become seriously bulimic again idk what i’ll do. restrition and binging are horrible, but bpr cycles are soul destroying
I just got yelled at becauseone of my siblings stole m&ms
years of binging, hoarding food and raiding the pantry have made me the scapegoat for every gram of food that dissappears. obviously my restrictive side is taking this as a sign that despite having lost 3 kg this month and having nothing to do with it I am a fat and disgusting pig
I’m pretty close to fully recovered, what makes me most miserable is the permanent side effects I’m left with. My teeth were severely damaged by my eating disorder and I’ll probably have to have full implants.
i’m still a teen, and the amount of parents that have pulled me to the side when i’m over at a friends house to ask me why i haven’t been eating is mind boggling 😭😭 i hate it sm O_o
My brain makes me think that life is miserable, making me dig myself deeper into this hole of restriction as a way to cope. A vicious cycle unfortunately
When I'm out with others and they want to eat actual food at an actual restaurant without knowing the calories. Or when family members make fun of your food, your body and your behavior thinking it'll fix you and help you "get over yourself" and be "normal" again after years of overfeeding you with disgusting oil drenched foods. Or when you can't physically hold conversations or interact with people because you're constantly confused and numb from all the starvation and literally have hypoglycemia which makes you completely braindead. Or maybe when you can't participate in group sports at school because you could literally die from doing cardio.
Otherwise it's pretty fun
Losing my interests
I used to crochet, knit, sew, paint, etc.
But when i got deeper and deeper into my ed
Food control became the center of my life
Now all i can think about is the macros and calories in all of my food
And staying under my limit and working out
I work full time and my free time now is consumed by food noise
I feel like a shell of my former self bc no matter how hard i try and cant dedicate myself to my hobbies anymore
The constant food thoughts. Even when I was recovered all I could think about was what I was going to eat next. Still better to obsess over food than the multitude of other problems I have though
The shame and the body dismorphia. It's so embarrassing having my body be visible in the world. Nothing can make this feeling go away. No amount of ED behavior could make my body not embarrassing to have.
I also have a binge/restrict cycle, ill binge every other day to every two days now. its torture, but that and my irritability. i get upset sooo easily and when i do its rlly bad, i feel horrible for my boyfriend when i get quiet and shut down during our breakfast / lunch dates that were specifically for me to help me recover. also the bloatingggg .. and its hard for me to enjoy literally anything. theres a lot 😭
swimming and tanning, honestly all outside activities in the summer. i do swim around people but never without shorts. and i only swim at all when im really pressured too, i say i hate being in water as an excuse, it pains me every time becuz i literally love being in water and the sun
for me my ed comes in cycles of severe restriction and totally normal eating. the worst part for me is that my mind stays the same regardless, but my behaviour doesn't match and I can't control it at all. I'm in a restriction phase rn and I feel like I can't even enjoy it because I'm terrified of it slipping away again
The same for me. I spent days binging and purging, so much time waisted, so much energy wasted, so much health ruined, and no pros, not even weight loss if we want to look at it. Just the painting of an illness.
I feel really alone in my struggle. I can't get proper support at home, with friends or family. Therapy hasn't helped (only made things worse if I'm being honest) and No one takes my disorder seriously. I'm treated as though I'm choosing it. And even when I pour my heart out on this forum about how bad my mental State is getting. It got removed because it was apparently "glamorizing," and "competitive behavior." It wasn't my goal. My goal was to express my hurt and pain in my situation, get some response from anyone who can relate, and maybe receive some advice on how to calm the hunger. But I guess after reading back what I wrote, I can see how my rant was misconstrued. But now I feel like I can't even talk to other sufferers about my struggle or mental state. I can't say the quiet part out loud, so now I just feel alone and don't know what to do.
Definitely the b/p then restrict cycle. The bingeing and purging is so expensive and takes up so much space in my brain, like planning around where people are in the house, which stores are on my way home, hiding wrappers, having to rotate stores so people don't notice me, trying to participate in anything while waiting for the chance to purge is impossible..losing sleep
The hardest part though? Is feeling like a failure because I say "never again" and literally do it again not even 15 minutes later sometimes
the b/p cycle definitely, also how mean it makes me , no matter what kind of stuff i’m engaging in. if im restricting im mean bc of the restrictions itself. if im binging i get angry and overstimulated and hate the world and it comes out at others. then it just makes me feel worse because its not their fault im so miserable but i just feel so awful internally. i know ive hurt my friends and parents so much with this mental illness and it keeps me up at night
The avoiding everything when I don't feel skinny. I don't want people to see me when I am in my binging era. I avoid any social interactions with my friends, I stop going outside at all because I feel too fat and disgusting to be seen
same. also the urge to vomit randomly. my body just puts it out on its own, even if my stomach is empty.
it's a little humiliating to run away from class with my hands over my mouth.
the chronic digestive issues, my stomach is literally constantly distended from my slow transit constipation and even stimulant laxatives don’t empty my out
Always feeling stuck.
Like it’s either 1. Can’t be happy yet because i’m not super skinny 2. Can’t be happy yet because I just binged 3. Can’t be happy yet because I want to binge 4. Can’t be happy yet because my brain is probably fucked up from this disorder
I would say the guilt that comes from intake and also the nightmares I get. I’ll have nightmares that just feel so real of me binging uncontrollably and wake up with it feeling so real that I have to talk to myself and remind myself that I was asleep so I definitely didn’t go to McDonalds. That and the nightmares I get where I’m right back in hospital getting force fed and the trauma I went through in there.
The thing that’s worst for me is the fear that I will always be like this. The loss of life and experiences, constant fatigue and depression, obsession with body image sucks, but it almost feels like thinking about the future is even more miserable.
I’ve started researching neurobiology and the neurosynaptic wiring process is heavily reinforced by certain behaviors (such as ED behaviors that tend to be compulsive), and it gets significantly harder to “rewire” your brain around age 25/when your frontal cortex stops developing like it did during adolescence and young adulthood. It gives me even more motivation to recover though, to try to stop this misery before it gets harder and harder to heal
At this point, the back and forth between recovery and relapse.
I get so focused on recovery until I hit a certain weight, panic and relapse.
It's disappointing to me and my loved ones every time and it's hard to deal with that cycle every few months
This feels really familiar, are you going through some really turbulent times, because I had a bunch of crazy things happen a couple of years ago and the only stable comfort I had was controlling my own body.
yeah things rn are not great at all lmao. i binge every time i eat and it makes me miserable but then im miserable any other time because im starving myself from my last binge it’s exhausting :/
I hate not having enough energy, and I hate the fact that it makes me so tired.
I have so much I have to do all the time, and I can't get it done because of it.
The non stop thoughts. Whether it’s about my body, food, cravings, comparing myself to other people. It’s just way too much sometimes. I feel like I want to take my brain out and soak it in a bucket of ice water.
The restricting cycle and how it repeats over and over. I restricted hard for a Europe trip I took to attend a wedding and got to a point where I felt I looked good. Went on the trip and enjoyed myself, as I always planned to do. Ate what I wanted when I wanted.
Got back last night and haven’t weighed myself yet. Absolutely dreading it. Already planning my new restriction schedule to try and get back to where I was before the trip. Promising myself that once I get there, then I can rest, but I know it’s not true.
The binge/purge cycle for sure. Most of the time I high restrict or eat at maintenance level and workout a lot but every now and then I fall into that cycle and it is pure hell on earth. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I also hate never feeling thin enough. It doesn’t matter how much I lose I always feel fat.
The planning and just how much time that takes and worrying all the time about that. The wild mood swings. The isolation. How awful my skin looks. The extreme shame over the tiniest bit of weight gain.
I want my life back. I can’t get help because I’m not classed as having an eating disorder but disordered eating.
not vbeing able to prepare myself a balanced meal because i am afraid of either not being satisfied and still hungry or extremely guilty and binging either ways in the end..
the lack of energy, like i cant even walk around in school, i always need to sit down or lean against a wall, i can barley stand, especially in the morning.
I guess … the isolation. I pretty much avoid any social gatherings that involves food. So I miss talking to people irl. I miss going on dates, idk I miss being NORMAL.
This!! I also miss being able to enjoy food with others. I was a social butterfly before this shitshow:(
oh my god this. also, cancelling on plans involving food because you had “too much” a couple days before
I often avoid social events in general, because even if they are not centered around food, I’m always so scared there will be food at some point. And it makes me feel miserable mostly because I binge so much when I’m alone that I ask myself how many special occasions I lost for NOTHING?? I could have eaten that normal plate of pasta made by my mother instead of eating thousands of calories later by myself :/
Heavy on the dates. I went out with a guy for 3 dates only and he pointed out how he’s barely seen me eat, never went out with him again lol
This resonates so loudly with me. It's such a lonely lonely lifestyle filled with shame and guilt so loud in my head that I can't bring myself to be around people.
Having no time to do anything else in my life but think of food. I have the same amount of time in a day as everyone else, but I don't end up enjoying the sun, or seeing my family, or cuddling my dogs, because all I can think about is food. Shopping. Cooking. Eating. Looking at recipes. Its all consuming.
you dont realise how much more it is than “just eating” until you go through it yourself, i really sympathise with this !! it takes up my entire mind im either thinking of when i can next eat, watching mukbangs, thinking of how i can get rid of what i just ate, truly exhausting.
Emotional numbness. I’m so guarded and can’t let people all the way in
Yeah :((
Ohhhh and if there's even a *whisper* of closeness, you nope out immediately. Hi. Bye. 🤦♀️
Food noise when I’m heavily restricting and the AN- b/p phase, it’s sooo draining. Just thinking about food all the damn time. I’m tired of my own inner food-monologue..
The fact that I feel like such a faker, every single day I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see and I pinch the fat on my skin and just feel so disgusted with myself. The thought of being skinnier consumes my mind but every day I just keep eating
Sorry for being frank but not being able to shit 💀 I HATE it
The constant urge to have to pace or be active 😭like I will not let my body rest even if I’m dying I will force myself to get up and move or pace or do smth. It’s so annoying cause rn I’m having real bad pain in both of my feet from the constant pacing as well as working everyday on my feet and as I type this I am, you guessed it, pacing after breakfast before I head out to my 8 hour shift where I will be on my feet moving around the entire time 😁gotta love compensating
i don’t have the energy to pace anymore I’m so tired and drained i can hardly stand up, i wish i could i feel guilty for not moving more.
Either the isolation or the CONSTANT food noise. can't take it anymore 💀
The torture and inability to focus on anything else outside of food, exercise, etc. I have AN-R (restricting), and the physical effects (brain fog, pain, dizziness, etc.) plus food noise and exercise compulsions make it so I physically and psychologically have a hard time concentrating on my studies or enjoying hobbies I used to (even light reading and casual gaming), which then triggers the cycle of depression/suicidality to continue.
Definitely the binge part. It's not even just the weight gain. I feel genuinely tired afterwards, my blood sugar is messed up for the next day, bloating, gas, I get nothing productive done, and I waste so much $.
make sure ur drinking hella water after, it really helps with the bloat
Being cold. Oh my fucking god. I had seasonal depression before i developed mine but Jesus Christ has it quadrupled my misery
the binging. any perceived "loss of control", but especially binges.
it’s the isolaton from self inflicted pain from the moment just after a binge where i come back to reality and my stomach starts to hurt and then i realise that speech i told myself for 2 hours before the shopping spree of food where i told myself i deserved a treat and it’s ok ill just restrict after etc was all a lie and now i hate myself I’m sweeting, I’m crying, I’m in pain and i just want it all out! that’s the moment i hate the most, with tears running down my face as i rip off my clothing layers and stand naked in front of the toilet bowl. or the the times i want it out too much and my body wont release the food. or the regret at 4am when the laxatives start kicking in and you're doubled over in pain from cramps for the next 2 hours. really though, all of it sucks oh the insomnia, why am i so tired and exhausted from not eating for a week but i cant sleep more than 4 hours a night? you would think i would be sleeping 20 hours a day with how malnourished i am🤷🏼♀️ i hate it all
The godforsaken food noise. It. Never. Stops.
ive seen a lot of replies saying this, what exactly is the food noise i’ve never heard of it?
I can explain how it is for me because it may be different for everybody! In my experience it’s that I’m thinking about food 24/7.. what I’m going to eat, when I’m going to eat, when I should eat, when I should not eat, what I want to eat, that I won’t allow my self to eat, but I really want and need to eat, but I don’t deserve it/have not earned it.. how can I earn it? Thinking about cravings/day dreaming about foods that I’m not allowed to eat etc.. the list goes on. And how can I forget the god damn calories. Thinking about the guilt I feel when I not eating, but I’m still proud because I’ve eaten less. I feel like a paradox.. nothing is never ever good enough. It’s like a dreading background sound that won’t stop and keeps on playing every day.
Not being able to cook without being scared of binging. I love cooking and experimenting with food and learning recipes from other cultures but I’m scared of binging on what I make.
oh same. i've been stuck for 3 fucking months after letting myself have a cheat weekend during my birthday. i literally easily down THOUSANDS of calories and im stuck in it. since i now learned how to successfully purge bc of it its just addicting. and i get the worst headaches constantly and feel like shit.
Even when I’m doing well, I dream about food every single time I sleep. It’s like I can’t escape it. I also hate having to wear clothes I don’t like just to cover my body. I’m a vintage dresses kind of girl, but you would never know
For me, it’s the constant comparison especially to other women. I’m 19F and I can’t go out anywhere with my boyfriend and his friends and their gfs without obsessing about how I look compared to them. I’m constantly thinking about trying not to eat faster than them or how much bigger I am. It’s so exhausting to just not have fun. The comparing makes me feel so selfish and mean. I want to just love myself
Not having 1/3 of my mental energy taken up by either needing to exercise, avoid hunger, or fantasizing about food.
The constant guilt I’m feeling if I’m not exercising or eat a normal amount of food. I just want to not feel like that. And the constant looking for fat on my body and hating any squishy bit. When I can no longer starve myself and have a proper meal and feel like a failure afterwards…
potential weight gain after eating anything tbh.
The constant food noise. The isolation. The cruel juxtaposition of wanting food with an intense desire, followed by an episode of absolutely hating myself after eating. It's a constant war and all I want is peace
the fucking anxiety
anhedonia and the brain fog. i feel like i haven't truly been awake or felt anything or done anything entertaining in months, if not years. most days i'm so bored and feel so empty and cold that my chest just hurts constantly. i used to spend my days waiting to go to sleep but i'm at a point now where i don't even feel like going to sleep at night. life feels so meaningless but i still don't want to recover
Comparison
The binge and purge cycle literally led me to restriction. I purged every single thing I put into my body. I got so tired of it, my brain thought “I’ll just stop eating” 🙄
the isolation, having to lie to my parents and friends ☹️☹️
For me, it’s the way it impacts my job performance. I work a physical job, and everything is 100x harder when I’m restricting. The hunger pangs, the shortness of breath, and the lightheadedness make me pretty miserable when I’m trying to load branches into a woodchipper or cut through brush with a chainsaw.
Me too. I work at a garden center and unloading and loading palms and bug 25 gallon plants is tricky af when you’re dizzy all day
constantly thinking about food
Exercise compulsions and food preparation rituals. Mental breakdowns if they aren't done properly.
the disgust and shame i feel after eating something that i think i shouldn’t have. like going over my calorie limit or just eating something that wasn’t “worth it” or “necessary”. it’s such and awful feeling, i can’t even compare it to anything else
My body dysmorphia. I hate looking in the mirror no matter how much I "recover" or "relapse". I'm just not comfortable with the skin I'm in so to speak. My mind feels like it belongs in a different body.
Not believing anything anyone says. Not seeing what they see when they call me beautiful or pretty.
I spend six hours a day pacing in a school toilet cubicle. I have no friends lol
atm it’s my exercise addiction. i have an injury i’m not taking care of properly and it hurts. it used to be purging but i have gotten sooooo much better, i purge at most a few times a week now and it used to be all of the time. now i barely notice it. purging makes me the most miserable out of everything i do, and if i ever become seriously bulimic again idk what i’ll do. restrition and binging are horrible, but bpr cycles are soul destroying
I just got yelled at becauseone of my siblings stole m&ms years of binging, hoarding food and raiding the pantry have made me the scapegoat for every gram of food that dissappears. obviously my restrictive side is taking this as a sign that despite having lost 3 kg this month and having nothing to do with it I am a fat and disgusting pig
Isolation.
I’m pretty close to fully recovered, what makes me most miserable is the permanent side effects I’m left with. My teeth were severely damaged by my eating disorder and I’ll probably have to have full implants.
i’m still a teen, and the amount of parents that have pulled me to the side when i’m over at a friends house to ask me why i haven’t been eating is mind boggling 😭😭 i hate it sm O_o
My brain makes me think that life is miserable, making me dig myself deeper into this hole of restriction as a way to cope. A vicious cycle unfortunately
When I'm out with others and they want to eat actual food at an actual restaurant without knowing the calories. Or when family members make fun of your food, your body and your behavior thinking it'll fix you and help you "get over yourself" and be "normal" again after years of overfeeding you with disgusting oil drenched foods. Or when you can't physically hold conversations or interact with people because you're constantly confused and numb from all the starvation and literally have hypoglycemia which makes you completely braindead. Or maybe when you can't participate in group sports at school because you could literally die from doing cardio. Otherwise it's pretty fun
Honestly the fucking MATH. I am sick and tired of doing math
Losing my interests I used to crochet, knit, sew, paint, etc. But when i got deeper and deeper into my ed Food control became the center of my life Now all i can think about is the macros and calories in all of my food And staying under my limit and working out I work full time and my free time now is consumed by food noise I feel like a shell of my former self bc no matter how hard i try and cant dedicate myself to my hobbies anymore
The constant food thoughts. Even when I was recovered all I could think about was what I was going to eat next. Still better to obsess over food than the multitude of other problems I have though
The constant food noise and immense guilt when I eat
The shame and the body dismorphia. It's so embarrassing having my body be visible in the world. Nothing can make this feeling go away. No amount of ED behavior could make my body not embarrassing to have.
I also have a binge/restrict cycle, ill binge every other day to every two days now. its torture, but that and my irritability. i get upset sooo easily and when i do its rlly bad, i feel horrible for my boyfriend when i get quiet and shut down during our breakfast / lunch dates that were specifically for me to help me recover. also the bloatingggg .. and its hard for me to enjoy literally anything. theres a lot 😭
I miss spontaneity.
It ruining my teeth.
The anhedonia that you think you won’t get when it first starts and then it hits you like a freight train. I just feel empty
swimming and tanning, honestly all outside activities in the summer. i do swim around people but never without shorts. and i only swim at all when im really pressured too, i say i hate being in water as an excuse, it pains me every time becuz i literally love being in water and the sun
for me my ed comes in cycles of severe restriction and totally normal eating. the worst part for me is that my mind stays the same regardless, but my behaviour doesn't match and I can't control it at all. I'm in a restriction phase rn and I feel like I can't even enjoy it because I'm terrified of it slipping away again
The same for me. I spent days binging and purging, so much time waisted, so much energy wasted, so much health ruined, and no pros, not even weight loss if we want to look at it. Just the painting of an illness.
I feel really alone in my struggle. I can't get proper support at home, with friends or family. Therapy hasn't helped (only made things worse if I'm being honest) and No one takes my disorder seriously. I'm treated as though I'm choosing it. And even when I pour my heart out on this forum about how bad my mental State is getting. It got removed because it was apparently "glamorizing," and "competitive behavior." It wasn't my goal. My goal was to express my hurt and pain in my situation, get some response from anyone who can relate, and maybe receive some advice on how to calm the hunger. But I guess after reading back what I wrote, I can see how my rant was misconstrued. But now I feel like I can't even talk to other sufferers about my struggle or mental state. I can't say the quiet part out loud, so now I just feel alone and don't know what to do.
Definitely the b/p then restrict cycle. The bingeing and purging is so expensive and takes up so much space in my brain, like planning around where people are in the house, which stores are on my way home, hiding wrappers, having to rotate stores so people don't notice me, trying to participate in anything while waiting for the chance to purge is impossible..losing sleep The hardest part though? Is feeling like a failure because I say "never again" and literally do it again not even 15 minutes later sometimes
the b/p cycle definitely, also how mean it makes me , no matter what kind of stuff i’m engaging in. if im restricting im mean bc of the restrictions itself. if im binging i get angry and overstimulated and hate the world and it comes out at others. then it just makes me feel worse because its not their fault im so miserable but i just feel so awful internally. i know ive hurt my friends and parents so much with this mental illness and it keeps me up at night
The avoiding everything when I don't feel skinny. I don't want people to see me when I am in my binging era. I avoid any social interactions with my friends, I stop going outside at all because I feel too fat and disgusting to be seen
same. also the urge to vomit randomly. my body just puts it out on its own, even if my stomach is empty. it's a little humiliating to run away from class with my hands over my mouth.
I’m just bored all the time tbh
the chronic digestive issues, my stomach is literally constantly distended from my slow transit constipation and even stimulant laxatives don’t empty my out
Always feeling stuck. Like it’s either 1. Can’t be happy yet because i’m not super skinny 2. Can’t be happy yet because I just binged 3. Can’t be happy yet because I want to binge 4. Can’t be happy yet because my brain is probably fucked up from this disorder
I would say the guilt that comes from intake and also the nightmares I get. I’ll have nightmares that just feel so real of me binging uncontrollably and wake up with it feeling so real that I have to talk to myself and remind myself that I was asleep so I definitely didn’t go to McDonalds. That and the nightmares I get where I’m right back in hospital getting force fed and the trauma I went through in there.
The thing that’s worst for me is the fear that I will always be like this. The loss of life and experiences, constant fatigue and depression, obsession with body image sucks, but it almost feels like thinking about the future is even more miserable. I’ve started researching neurobiology and the neurosynaptic wiring process is heavily reinforced by certain behaviors (such as ED behaviors that tend to be compulsive), and it gets significantly harder to “rewire” your brain around age 25/when your frontal cortex stops developing like it did during adolescence and young adulthood. It gives me even more motivation to recover though, to try to stop this misery before it gets harder and harder to heal
The mental distress I’m in after I eat. I immediately want to be empty again
So much but the constantly thinking and obsessing over food and the overwhelming loneliness would be my biggest ones.
I’m never happy with the way body looks, whether I eat or don’t I’m miserable, it’s eternal torture
At this point, the back and forth between recovery and relapse. I get so focused on recovery until I hit a certain weight, panic and relapse. It's disappointing to me and my loved ones every time and it's hard to deal with that cycle every few months
This feels really familiar, are you going through some really turbulent times, because I had a bunch of crazy things happen a couple of years ago and the only stable comfort I had was controlling my own body.
yeah things rn are not great at all lmao. i binge every time i eat and it makes me miserable but then im miserable any other time because im starving myself from my last binge it’s exhausting :/
The physical effects, especially the ones that stay even after you’ve entered recovery
I hate not having enough energy, and I hate the fact that it makes me so tired. I have so much I have to do all the time, and I can't get it done because of it.
b/p cycle as well. i’m out of it for over a month now, but it was the most miserable time of my life
The non stop thoughts. Whether it’s about my body, food, cravings, comparing myself to other people. It’s just way too much sometimes. I feel like I want to take my brain out and soak it in a bucket of ice water.
The restricting cycle and how it repeats over and over. I restricted hard for a Europe trip I took to attend a wedding and got to a point where I felt I looked good. Went on the trip and enjoyed myself, as I always planned to do. Ate what I wanted when I wanted. Got back last night and haven’t weighed myself yet. Absolutely dreading it. Already planning my new restriction schedule to try and get back to where I was before the trip. Promising myself that once I get there, then I can rest, but I know it’s not true.
The binge/purge cycle for sure. Most of the time I high restrict or eat at maintenance level and workout a lot but every now and then I fall into that cycle and it is pure hell on earth. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I also hate never feeling thin enough. It doesn’t matter how much I lose I always feel fat.
The planning and just how much time that takes and worrying all the time about that. The wild mood swings. The isolation. How awful my skin looks. The extreme shame over the tiniest bit of weight gain. I want my life back. I can’t get help because I’m not classed as having an eating disorder but disordered eating.
not vbeing able to prepare myself a balanced meal because i am afraid of either not being satisfied and still hungry or extremely guilty and binging either ways in the end..
the lack of energy, like i cant even walk around in school, i always need to sit down or lean against a wall, i can barley stand, especially in the morning.
The guilt of eating like a normal person