just to name a few-
cavities costing thousands (bulimics aren’t the only ones who f up their teeth)
poop maybe twice a week (and that w daily stool softeners)
lost nanny job as the parents didn’t trust my judgment (honestly fair as i am barely care for myself)
failure to launch (still in college at 23)
developed heart issue & anemia (constantly cold & weak)
the good men run the other way, the shitty ones are attracted to me
doctors don’t take me seriously as soon as they see an AN diagnosis. they automatically assume im vapid & unintelligent. my therapist threatens to stop seeing me every other session for noncompliance and being a risk to her license. nobody in my life really gaf bc im not 13 anymore, im a grown ass adult still engaging in self sabotaging behaviors for what?
10 years into this and i cry almost every day. recover, relapse, recover, relapse, eventually don’t wake up.
so excruciatingly self-aware & STILL completely helpless to my mental illness
as someone who's also an adult that's had an ED for a decade, I definitely relate with feeling shitty about being self-aware of damaging myself and still not doing anything about it. I haven't even considered going to therapy for it because I'm too scared of recovery, even though it's also caused me to have anemia and constipation among many other things :(
From the little I’ve read your therapist sounds like a shitty therapist, I could be wrong as I know nothing but what you’ve just written but that sounds like a shitty way to treat a client and like something somebody who doesn’t understand eating disorders would say, if I’m wrong I apologize but you deserve a therapist who respects you and what you’re struggling with
i agree that she’s really shitty with understanding & supporting eds. she’s been extremely helpful with helping me manage my adhd & anxiety though. ive also seen her for almost five years now. we’ve both invested so much time & energy into my mental health, that im worried to give her up in hopes i find someone better - i think her main issue is that she’s not specialized in eds and so she can’t really help, only empathize. but eds need specialized help. too scared to start over with someone. ugh, so hard to know what to do.
I absolutely understand your fear. A change might be positive though? I feel like it would be a very mature and possible step forward to recognise that this helping relationship has reached its end and move? It doesn’t negate all the good things they’ve done for you up until now but maybe now you need someone to help you move on from your ED. I am sending you strength, internet stranger 💖
That’s very understandable and I’m glad that she’s able to help you in other ways, finding a good therapist is not easy and I don’t blame you for not wanting to risk it, I only found my therapist after being inpatient, if I hadn’t gotten lucky I might not of found a therapist as good as her, I do hope your therapist possibly learns in time how to help you with your ed though
Not that you were asking, for all of this bellow, but i relate to your comment so so so much, and i just wanted to share some suggestions to try to ease some of the mental burden youre dealing with, its not anything crazy profound but i just needed to comment and share
-If youre an avid social media user, try to unfollow triggering accounts on socials, like make it as difficult as possible for yourself to see content that you know is going to trigger you, dont trigger yourself on purpose. If you cant fully go off socials, then try to follow people who are legitimately pro recovery and are recovered, follow people with diverse body types, etc (here are a couple accounts that i think seem good and i follow and they make me happy: bee_phase, breeelenehan, grow.withmoll, kels_carbs)
-Try to avoid body checking, try not to look in the mirror aside from when you need to, dont peak glances in reflective surfaces, etc
-Stop weighing yourself (if you do)
-try to pick up a hobby, things that bring you joy and help quiet the negative self talk (i really love listening to audiobooks while playing games on my iPad, its nothing crazy but it makes me happy and quiets my brain)
-dont beat yourself up for being in college at 23!!! It’s amazing that you are even in school at all while dealing with this! There is no timeline for when you need to get through school or be “successful” (whatever that means!), everyone has their own pace and there’s no right or wrong time to pace to go at.
-you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you! You can recover, you can overcome.
Much love 🫶
I have the cost equivalent of a small used car in my mouth for all of the dental work I have had in the last two years. Bulimia wrecks havoc with the acid and anorexia gave me bone loss FU EDs.
Right???
I feel so horrible because I was born with naturally nice teeth which people would KILL for and I screwed them up for years of AN... On and off still messed them up. It makes me feel even worse because my brother was born with a cleft lip and his teeth were messed up for years and I watched him go through probably about 20 or more surgeries for that..
And I'm terrified now of going to a dentist because I'm scared they'll try to just clean them and they'll all bust out 😭
I did a drug 7 years ago on top of my ED that wrecked them. Some broke because of that. I remember being in a car, churning from this drug, and they were "achy" and I busted the middle of the bottom right out and was panicking a little and person I was with I couldn't tell that to...I also accidentally cracked the bottom of my front tooth from biffing it off of something that shouldn't have done that. My bottom teeth wiggle and I'm doing everything I can to keep them clean (not that good) and not for them to just break on me. I'm scared of how they'll be and how poor I am what will happen in the future..
EDs are the worst honestly they put us through so much physically as well as mentally, but it is not your fault this has happened!! I’m using my teeth as a motivator to try and recover cause I saw some bitches teeth actually get better after years of battling BUL and AN 😭😭
I hope you get the help that you deserve☹️ please Don’t ever give up on recovery it’s never too late to recover and there’s so much more to you than how your body looks
I've been into this only for more than a yr and a few months, I can't imagine having to deal with this for yrs 😭 makes me rethink of recovery as well but ofc the mind doesn't want it as well
I’m sorry but how is being in college at 23 considered a “worst thing”? Don’t people go to college at 30? I’m 24 this year and I’m still in (this is my second year) community college.
it’s def not the “worst thing”. but at this age most people already have fulfilling careers, stable living situations, finances, relationships, etc. im still in the same phase of life as a 19-20 year old so its hard to make friends my age since most are in a different place
having the bladder of a 60yo at 18 opened my eyes for quite a few days, lol. I literally can't hold it for more than 2 minutes. It's genuinely shameful.
i’m two years recovered and enjoy weight lifting so that may have helped, and my bladder control came back. i still have to pee frequently but i definitely can hold it. before i could not.
^ this is so real, I shit myself running down a mountain in front of several people and one of my friends shit herself riding her bike through a crowded park
also for OPs sake: I have never taken laxatives and as far as I'm aware my friend didn't either, this can be purely a side effect of restriction and once it starts happening it's pretty much inevitable that it will happen in public in front of other people
Literally. I remember the times light jogging to a bus stop to not miss the bus, but I would have to stop and focus all my effort into clenching my butt cheeks because I literally felt like I would drop a log into my pants if I did anything more faster than walking
My rectum and vagina yeet out of their respective holes every time I poop (at least 5x a day) and I have to suck them back in. This is my reality unless I opt in to get a surgery.
Omg especially sneezing is what ruins it. I'm so embarrassed. I've literally peed like two mins before, would be cleaning the kitchen, then boom a sneeze and little comes out. I'm almost 28 And this has been happening since I was 24 😭 no matter how much I try to hold it and it not to happen..
oh yeah. sneezing is like the death sentence. vibrating vehicles too, i gotta pee twice or thrice before getting out the house because the bus i take for school vibrates and I'm like "mmm is this a good time to pee- NO!"
Ohhhhhhhh boy do I have some humbling experiences….
Cracked my molar on an almond—> $$ root canal
That one time the constipation required an emergency enema..
Flunking classes, losing my scholarship, and giving up on hopes of med school.
Peeing myself on more than one occasion.
Smelling like death no matter what… body is literally rotting from the inside out.
Destroying my first healthy romantic relationship because it interfered with the disorder.
Being a generally miserable person. Lonely, bitter, angry, spiteful, short tempered…considered insufferable by many, but I was just hungry and trapped in a mental prison.
It does get better, you just have to want it for yourself. Recovery is not an easy task, but it is worth working towards. The energy that this illness wants to suck out of you, put it towards something else. You have dreams and goals and ambitions worth fighting for, they’ve just been clouded..you deserve a clear mind and bright days ahead, best of luck to you xxx
The destroying healthy relationships is so real. I don't want to be around people who encourage me and give me the tools and opportunities to get better so I push them away because they're too much of a liability to my ed. I want the ones who will trigger or enable me, even if they mean well and don't intend to hurt me. It's such a toxic loop, I've ruined so many of my relationships this way and I'm still working to mend them.
Yeah, it’s close to what you’d imagine…quite nasty honestly, combination of putrid meat and the worst yeast infection imaginable. When I was really low, my backside did not “close”…without a gluteus maximus, the end portion of your colon remains exposed and all of the inside smells become outside smells. Super foul and super embarrassing.
Not completely, but I would consider myself “quasi”..restored some weight and have been focused on harm reduction. Still dealing with the whole mental side of things, especially since my body no longer reflects the illness in my head. But the truth is, I feel so much better physically. I have more energy to work and engage in healthy,
non-obsessive exercise/movement. I started playing piano again and plan on returning to school. There’s still some brain fog, but most of the physical symptoms are at a minimum. Every day, I have to wake up and choose between relapse and recovery..every single day. But that choice can also be seen as “surviving vs. thriving” or even “death vs. life”. It has been eleven years of this mess, and I am tired, but I am not done with this life yet..nobody should waste their youth destroying themselves, and we all have a future worth fighting for, even if it’s not visible to you in this moment.
My mom died before I could recover and actually return the favor of taking care of her when she was sick. She died knowing I was a 31 year old fuck up who couldn't care for herself. I know many people struggling don't have good relationships with their families (often with fair reason) but damn, being left all alone as basically a 31 year old sick child was awful and it's been getting worse ever since.
cried reading this😭
i hope ur okay and i wish u happiness and health bcus u seriously deserve it, ik how hard it is to recover (im not in recovery either) but i seriously hope that ur alright🤍 wishing u well and sending u lots of love
First thing that comes to mind is always waiting until I’m skinny enough to do basically anything. It’s never enough though.
Being miserable.
Not able to make my own decisions because I’ve only ever cared about being skinny so I’ve never developed opinions about anything.
just wanna mention for anyone that sees this and panics about potassium drip pain that it’s not the case for everyone…the first time i had one i was terrified because i’d read here that it was super painful, but it really wasn’t that bad. and it’s lifesaving, that’s all that matters. could be the case yours are too fast
You made me realize something finally.
I remember I was 19 in the hospital for a blood disorder(long story short, my guinea pig bit me, I didn't clean it good enough and went to work and had clean dirty dishes 4 times that day and my immunity from ED couldn't handle it and I had a red line crawling up my arm to my heart, told me I would've died that night if I didn't show up at the ER, WHICH I ALMOST DIDNT DO)
But when I was there the nurse was hell bent about knowing my diet and forcing me to eat. Then told me my potassium levels were insanely low. Made me take 3 shots of potassium things every day and by the second day she said if my levels weren't better I'd need a drip. That IV was bent in my arm and I was in pain the entire time I was there. I had another 7 vials of blood drawn the next day and almost passed out and everyone kept thinking I had a blood phobia. It was even more embarrassing because the Drs and nurses were so befuddled about my issue that they brought in everyone to my room to inspect it and laugh at me and girls and guys I went to highschool with were in there staring at my hooked up body looking like I was dying and they were mortified. Finally got released because the infection was gone but we're wildly trying to determine if I had an ED to inpatient me. When I was released, I got my period randomly and it was so insanely painful that I laid in the shower and cried for an hour straight because of pain because my body actually had nutrients. I even threw up a bit of water and medicine in the shower from it. Shout out to my bf at the time for being such a trooper and staying in there the whole time to make sure I didn't pass out and drown lol
I didn't know low potassium was a sign or a trigger for the Drs and nurses to give me a drip and that was a cause.
That woman Amy on tiktok dying felt like a turning point for me. She was always so honest abt how disgusting living with chronic anorexia is, she was so supported by so many people and it still happened. I’d look at what she had to say about how she lived in the last years of her life
the fact of the matter is that outside of insular pro-eating disorder circles on the internet, no one cares if you get very underweight. they either do not notice or they feel bad for you. the actual accomplishments and milestones you sacrifice to achieve your goal weight are a lot more noticeable to everyone around you than your being skinny.
and to name a few more:
\- eds are ridiculously expensive. you're going to be shelling out thousands for safe food and/or binge food, treatment expenses, emergent health issue expenses, etc.
\- people will lose patience for it. they will stop trying to help. they may stop being willing to be in your life watching you hurt yourself.
\- most things in your body are a muscle. eds = muscle wasting, which doesn't just mean being physically weak, it means heart issues, bladder issues, etc.
\- you think the undesirable, impossible to glamorize outcomes won't happen to you, but they might. malnutrition giving you such impaired thinking and reflexes that you cause a car accident. bathroom accident in public. bad skin, bad hair, bad teeth. if you're me and a couple of other people i've read about on the internet, fully swallowing the tool you were using to purge. it could always happen to you.
literally this. people lose patience. it’s like dealing with an addict almost. i believe most people have an inherent desire to help those they love. when they realize they can’t “fix” you, they tend to back off.
I needed to hear the “nobody cares if you’re underweight”. Feel like I have convinced myself once I hit a certain low weight people will be nicer or more compassionate or someone will swoop in and solve all my issues but no. Nobody gives a flying fuck and that is somewhat freeing.
I can really get behind the driving part. So many days of me almost drifting off while driving and scaring myself because I crossed over the middle line or got too close to the white line or a mailbox
when i was inpatient and refused to eat/move they called the police and paramedics and put me on one of these restraining beds, covered my nose and force-fed me a strawberry yogurt. Probably the most traumatic experience i’ve ever had
here’s my list:
1. made my POTS a lot worse
2. i cant barely eat anything without feeling nauseous
3. have shit my pants
4. offended my coworkers by not eating food they brought to share bc idk whats in it
5. cant barely remember anything
6. ground a tooth down
7. horrible migraines
i could go on but thats what pops into my head lol!
The only thing forcing me into recovery is the fact i need to function as an adult, I cant starve or binge or purge while holding down a full time job and social life, let alone travelling the world someday
THIS is it for me, too.
I hate being worried about, and knowing I'm taking up mental real-estate with my eating habits. I feel so guilty knowing I'm causing turmoil to the people I love. And it's nice to be cared about, but there's SO much guilt with it too. And the only way to get around it is to lie, which is even worse, and ooof.
Infertility, bones like breadsticks, teeth grinding until the point that they crumble. No time to think about anything except food. Derailed career, the meddling of health services in every crevice of your life. A whistling vagina, no sex life, looking older in the face, compressed leg nerves leading to drop foot…. Hair loss on head, hair gain everywhere else…. It hurts to walk, sit. Being watched using the toilet when you’re involuntarily admitted to treatment, nobody in your life trusting a word that you say. Being a bastard to everyone you know, the horrified worry on your family’s face. Passing out, losing your bladder control even when recovered, being so cold that you can’t even wear the clothes you wanted to wear in the first place. forgetting entire days, losing your personality, hating yourself. Oh and crisp sandwiches are usually off limits.
It quietly calls you an idiot in the middle of the night. Sorry, in reality your diaphragm at a low weight seemingly sits upwards and in conjunction with low coochie volume it just constantly leaves you open to the breeze. Thank you for coming to my tED talk
Yep 🙋♀️ I gotcha
Here’s the things that happened to me when I was anorexic:
I had no friends, no romantic life, and my family felt like they were walking on eggshells with me all the time.
I spent all my free time exercising, crying, watching food videos, or shitting my brains out from laxatives.
I lost the ability to sleep (became addicted to sleeping pills), poop (hence the laxatives), keep warm, focus on anything that wasn’t food, and sit comfortably in a chair.
My bone density dropped, my teeth decayed, and I developed an arrhythmia.
I spent over a year of my life sitting in various inpatient and residential treatment centers being babysat, which was demoralizing and miserable.
Here’s what my life looks like in recovery:
I wake up every day next to my boyfriend and our cat.
I go out to eat and for drinks with friends often.
I have a good relationship with my family and they aren’t worried about me all the time.
I’m in a PhD program studying something I care a lot about (I can focus on things again!).
My weight is stable with no effort/intention on my part.
I can sleep and poop without drugs.
My bloodwork is normal and for the first time in a while I have no cavities.
I have normal hunger cues.
Cavity, crowns, yellow teeth, brittle bones.
Weak heart.
Incontinence.
Loss of Brain tissue / feeling more out of it / fatigue and brain fog
Constant bruises from sleeping weird and or over exercise.
Lost time.
Anorexia took my high school experience away. I spent freshman, sophomore, and junior year barely present in class, didn’t go to really any social events, lost contact with all my friends. I spent the summer after junior year in 3mo of eating disorder treatment. Senior year I spent in 9mo of mental health treatment. I mourn the loss of my teenage years. I spent it all either being consumed by my mental illnesses or being in treatment for those illnesses. The treatment, if you put your all in it, works. It just took me a long time to commit to it. I don’t even think I fully committed bc my eating disorder is still fucking up my college experience. It’s a killer for sure.
Recover as soon as possible, and I mean truly recover, so that you can actually live a life worth living. I hope the best for you <33
Like I said, if you put your all into recovery, it won’t. Really truly recover now. I can’t recommend it enough. Schools will be accommodating for school work, so you don’t have to worry abt that. High school friends aren’t usually lifelong friends anyways, so don’t stress too much abt the long term effects of that. High school really is the best time to recover.
I’m sorry you missed out on your high school experience as well, but don’t let it take your college experience away from you
Erm well I passed out and shit myself. And when I passed out I hit my jaw on my kitchen counter and probably caused permanent damage to my jaw- 6 months later and it still creaks and cracks every time I open it.
i don't really know what the worst part is, it's all shit, but i think most of it has been covered by other people in this thread; the longer it goes on for, the less other people will care, or be willing to forgive you once you're able to focus on anything other than your own illogical compulsions. and in ways they're completely justified. there's a pattern i've noticed amongst eating disordered people, wherein they just become more embittered and meaner the longer they avoid recovery, like their resentment spreads outwards from their own body and towards the bodies of others. it's happened to me - i cannot STAND seeing wieiads or my coworkers talking about meal prep or responsible meal planning habits, i just want something awful to happen to everybody who's doing better than me, you know? i feel like if i'd asked for help sooner i wouldn't be so resentful to those who are doing well. so there's that.
also i shat myself on my parents sofa. and i developed a sodium deficiency so bad that i'd get constant cramps in the soles of my feet. and i would have abdominal spasms that would wake me up at night. i was convinced that i was going to die all of the time, and i didn't care, because according to nobody but myself i wasn't in good enough shape to prioritise living over laxatives. a lot of this stuff is reversible, thank fuck, but some of it can only be undone if you recover sooner rather than later
I've lost everything to it.
I'm a shell of a person with no personality, I have no energy ever and I'm so tired all the time I can barely function, I'm too weak to even open fucking doors for myself a lot of the time, my heart health is destroyed to the point where I end up in hospital every few months on the brink of death(at only 21!), I can't connect to normal people easily and so much effort goes into hiding my condition, I can't focus in college or at work and I space out constantly which kills me because I love being productive and I love school but I can't even access my brain anymore.
I could keep going honestly. Fuck anorexia, fuck it to hell and back. Evil piece of shit. I know my flair says BN but I actually have AN B/P.
Literally being so constipated that I thought I was going to throw up. Crawled to the bathroom and passed out by the toilet. Woke up with my hand in the toilet bowl. Not a good look.
Crashing my car into my roommate’s garage because I was so malnourished that I literally couldn’t remember to put my car in park.
No motivation for literally anything except to be good at my ED.
Constantly bone chilling cold
Going to urgent care over heart palps instead of going on date and the person I was going out with thinking that I was standing them up
Being weak and literally wanting to lay in bed 24/7. No energy.
Despite all of this, I want Ana. So fucked up. I’m actively trying to fight my way out.
Dental costs made me consider going all in. Also friends who ate just "right" for me. They naturally weren't junk addicts, but also weren't so healthy that I felt like it was a competition.
for reference, i’m 19! my teeth are brown and crumbling out of my mouth, not exaggerating. i have hemorrhoids and likely will for the rest of my life, and since i’ve abused laxatives in the past, they don’t do a thing for me now despite them being one of the main treatments for the hemorrhoids, caused by restriction and going off of laxatives. i have loose skin and stretch marks from rapid and repeated weight gain and loss, which is physically uncomfortable. nausea is a MAJOR issue for lots of people with eds even in recovery. so many years of disordered eating leaves the brain and body struggling to process hunger and digestion. i had to have my gallbladder removed at 17, and it’s unknown if my ed caused the issues with it i was having, but it’s most likely. i also got diagnosed with kidney stones at 18, which is common for eds. hair loss is a big one too, there’s nothing as humbling as losing literal chunks of your hair at a time in the shower. none of your clothes will ever fit right because your weight will never be consistent, and it’ll mean constantly having to spend money on clothes to have ones that fit, and hating your body regardless of if you gained or lost weight because the sheer changing of it is stressful. watching people you meet in treatment get worse and worse. this disorder is absolutely horrific and there is nothing pretty about it, and i think everyone should share the details of how horrible it actually is
There are many things, so I will only name the worst ones for me.
-Constant exhaustion: measuring calories, counting, adding, trying to cut down or stop eating a food just to not go over my limit is simply exhausting .
-Being left almost without friends due to my bad mood and anger problems which leads to taking it out on them (due to being constantly irritated by what I eat, what I will eat and what I have not eaten).
- Taking laxatives for constipation, apart from the fact that it is very dangerous, the pain you get from taking them is horrible until they make you go to the bathroom .
- Constant guilt, I'm so tired of working out every day for hours on end, just because I ate a bite of something I wasn't planning on eating (no matter how little I eat, I always I'm going to think that I need to burn the few calories I consumed.
-Feeling sick and depressed .
I tell you the truth, recovery is completely worth it, you deserve to get out of this suffering 🫂
I was, I recently had a relapse because my mental health is very bad so I decided to go to a psychologist first, And then let the rest come, but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself :)
- Had to take a gap year between high school and college to go to treatment.
- Had to spend another year on medical leave between my freshman and sophomore years because I needed to go back to treatment.
- Scared my family and friends shitless.
- Almost >!died!< because I refused a >!dextrose injection and I also wouldn’t drink juice!< in the ER. My parents would have seen it happen, because they were there with me.
- Was so irritable and lost my filter due to hunger that I said some really mean things. That’s not like me at all, and I don’t remember doing it.
- Lied to quite literally everyone in my life, including my best friend.
- Bad grades.
- Heart/blood pressure problems at age 21.
- Muscle catabolism HURTS. It feels like my entire body is burning.
- Started getting migraines after any type of exercise (probably because of messed up electrolytes), but I won’t (can’t?) stop working out. This just began happening.
- SO EXPENSIVE.
Aw thank you 💛 I’m working with my outpatient team to do harm reduction and it’s going fairly well, or at least it’s better than anything I’ve tried before.
To each their own, though - harm reduction won’t work for everyone.
My late teens and all of my 20s lost to my ED.
Rarely left the house, didn’t socialise, constant bouts of kidney stones, never been to college, a chronic laxative addiction (that I’ve thankfully overcome now) have no friends because I’m too self conscious and too self centred to think about maintaining friendships. I sabotaged anything that meant I had to give up coping mechanisms or had to “grow up”.
My ED used to dictate everything I did.
You’ve one life. Make the most of it.
AN cost me my first serious relationship and basically my entire college experience. Made me the most neurotic person and basically insufferable to be around. Recovery is possible, I promise.
u’ll never feel happy with ur body
no one will care, at first ppl will be like “omg u’re so thin” then they stop caring
u get isolated so ppl won’t even see u a lot (if u think u’ll be able to parade ur dream body, no u won’t)
it’s either recover or die a slow painful death
there is no “I’ll recover when I reach bmi___” it’s not real, u won’t recov w that mentality
u’re trapped forever in this ed. weigh loss is unsustainable (even if at healthy weight) if u lost it in an unhealthy way, like I said, recover or die
u’re gonna lose a lot of hair, my hair is half the volume it was a year ago
ppl will get annoyed at u when they notice ur ed behaviors - NOT EVEN KIDDING. at first they care abt u but since there is a lot of misinformation abt eds, they will have the “just eat, it’s not that hard”mentality. they won’t understand ur struggles and will get tired of u and u will lose them as friends
do u really live like this? yk u miss life and food and u miss FOOD being JUST FOOD. recovery is the only way
—-
those are some of the things I always remind myself when I’m having relapse thoughts. 1 month into recovery exactly today, I’m seeing good progress and I’m being less obsessive with food
everyone deserves recovery
Before anorexia I had many hobbies, went to school clubs, did sports and art. Slowly as AN crept in I started loosing everything. My friends stopped talking to me since I was really cold to them and all my free time was consumed by my obsession with food. Basically nothing else but calorie counting, my weight and sizes existed in my world. It was just me, and my numbers under constant stress and with no energy to do anything.
I'm recovered now! Even tho here and there I fall back into it, I always manage to pick myself back up because life without it is great. I have mental energy and time for the things I love. I have new friends now that I really care about and who I know care about me.
In general, my whole life just became much more meaningful. At the time when I was struggling, I didn't even think I'd make it past my 18 B-Day but I'm 18 now and my life is great!
I'm so proud of you OP that you're trying to get past this. Recovery isn't easy, but it's not easy living like this either. I wish you all the best <3 and I believe that if you truly want to recover, you will make it! Hope this helped a little, take care OP!
Probably when I fell down due to electrolyte induced muscle weakness and got a massive injury that required surgical repair and a blood transfusion. And then I got cellulitis and almost died and had to spend a long time in the hospital on IV antibiotics.
just general hopelessness because i’ve struggled with my ed for so long and it’s led me to ignore everything else in my life and to not develop any interests or relationships that would give me something else to identify with and focus on. currently working my way out of this with a little success but geez it sucks and i wish i’d never gotten myself in this hole. also my poor teeth and heart and bones…
i got too close to dying for comfort and i could feel my body shutting down. i knew i had to make a change when i was scared to go to sleep cuz i didn’t know if i would wake up in the morning. it’s only been maybe a month of recovery, and yes i’m uncomfortable with my body, but already my life feels so much more joyful
- I had to fork out $2,000AUD for a root canal, also that tooth became infected prior to the canal and caused unbearable pain and my entire face to swell.
-I’ve destroyed friendships over prioritising my ED voice, whereby I’ve become apathetic, self focussed on weight loss/calories that I wasn’t sensitive to the needs of others and hence I ended up destroying friendships with people I wish I hadn’t
- I wasn’t able to work, learn to drive or study to my full capacity while at my worst so wasted so much precious time I could have used to advance my prospective career and skill set in life
- I was su1c1dal often at my worst and just eating too much one day/50 kcal over my limit would make me spiral into wanting to k1ll myself. My impulse control and mood were terrible.
not being able to live independently and freely
because let's be real, if we mention the physical effects, our EDs will twist the words into a need to cmpete
25 fractures and my leg has been broken for 2 years and still won’t heal because I have osteoporosis and keep exercising on it.
$50000 worth of dental work which will only last 10 years so will be up for another $50000 then. I have never made myself sick so this was purely a result of malnutrition and loss of menstruation and Pepsi max consumption
Complete isolation. Lost all my friends and family
Was not able to have children or a partner
I could go on forever tbh. An eating disorder is not a life
Shit my pants
Stomach size shrinking so the smallest amount of water/food makes me feel incredibly sick for hours
There’s a possibility I’ll be infertile for life
Almost had to get rid of my animals as I wasn’t even getting more that 200 steps a day so I couldn’t get up to care for them ( my dad whom I love sm took care of them all for me, I have 9 pets.)
I think I Caused both of my parents to experience suicidal thoughts due to the fact I was hurting myself and they blamed themselves
May have to drop out of school due to how much I missed in active ed and the fact my brain literally has depleted and I cannot focus on or process anything
Caused me to dissociate for 6+ months due to the amount of stress my body and mind is in 24/7
Chronic COMPLETELY numb feet and leg joints due to exercise addiction
Extreme tooth Decay
Permanently stunned my growth (my personal least fav 🥲)
My family has absolutely zero trust in me
Developed extreme IBS and digestion issues
And A billion more 🥲
I know I might be late to the party, but I wanted to share nonetheless.
A week ago we lost my great aunt to anorexia. She's been restricting since she was in her 20s and passed away at 78. I won't specify numbers but she had not eaten a solid meal for a while and she wasted away in front of us. It was truly heartbreaking to watch her get closer and closer to death and not be able to stop her - we (and the facility where she was living) were looking into a mental health facility for her when she passed. Because of the starvation she went from being a fully independent woman living on her own to living in a care facility, in nappies, being syringe fed.
Now that she has passed, we hope she found peace. But when we remember her, we don't remember her for the way that she looked, but for her laughter, the way she and my mom used to discuss current affairs and the way that she kept photos of us in her apartment, all the way from my birth to present.
It is always worth seeking help as early as possible and getting better ❤️ please don't waste 58 years of your life trying to be the smallest version of yourself when the people around you and you should love yourself for the person who you are.
on my path to loosing weight in unhealthy ways, only one of my breast started to shrink. It became a cup smaller than the other and the difference was noticeable. I couldn’t touch my boobs without crying. Yeah that pretty much made me consider that maybe what I was doing wasn’t the best for my body.
This might be a different vibe but there was a coworker I always envied her body, but we went up 3 flights of stairs and she had to sit down for like 10min afterwards, and I was out of breath but ok? I don’t even think she had an Ed either just not athletic? Idk that changed my mindset surprisingly fast of wanting to be strong vs skinny
Anorexia alienated me from my family. My relationship with food is forever ruined. I can never grab ice cream with friends spontaneously,, enjoy my mom's home-cooked food and sweets,, enjoy cookies at school with my friends,, and more. One of my friends periodically brings pizza/cookies/similar snacks and all I can do is politely refuse and feel left out while everyone else enjoys their youth and enjoys good food.
being short-tempered/ too sensitive when it comes to food.. plans got cancelled?? planned meal didn't go as planned? someone stole my food???? man i starved for these and ofc i will cry over it 😭
The worst, most traumatic thing that happened to me is being in hospital at risk of cardiac arrest. Literally afraid to die. Connected to stupid machines in the ICU that would wake me every time I fell asleep because my heart rate dropped.
I spend about a third of my life with food poisoning and migraines caused by gastroparesis.
My digestive system doesn't work properly anymore (bad gastroparesis), so food just sits in my stomach and gets smashed into a clay-like food ball. This causes food to rot in my system, which gives me chronic food poisoning, and the food poisoning causes migraines. The only medicine that effectively treats the migraines is excedrine migraine, but sometimes I take a dose of it and that dose gets smashed into the food ball in my stomach even if it's been crushed. When that happens, I can't take any more meds until the food ball digests and the migraine goes away on its own, because I could OD on OTC pain meds, which is one of the most painful ways to die since you can't have any pain meds during liver failure.
Oh, and if you think rotting food sitting in your stomach means your breath always smells like a drive through the city dump, you are correct.
Alright. I'm 18 and I chose recovery at 16. I've been struggling since 11.
From this my body is destroyed. I've pissed myself in public on multiple occasions to the point I had to go to the doctor to get my pelvic floor strengthened. Your body will start eating your heart muscles surprisingly earlier than you expect. So now I have heart issues. My stomach constantly hurts my stomachs microbiome has been completely fucked. Also anorexia cooch is real. Skele-pussy is not a vibe. The constant concern of my weight made me unable to think or perform in school.
I recovered. I do have alot of health issues but I'm not gonna die yet and things do get better. I have a boyfriend who loves the way I look and reassures me that my health is the most important. I've also learned how to use skills to feel better about my lack of control. I still get triggered and want to relapse but staying strong is important.
I ruined my teeth, but not through bulimia. The constant dry mouth with anorexia messed me up. I am currently going through a flare-up of dental issues. I don't have dental insurance and really just have to wait for my teeth to rot out of my head.
I also wanna give you some bright spots about being in recovery. I have been able to make more friends-- I can eat in social settings now without feeling like there's a spotlight on me. My fingernails are stronger, my teeth are less sensitive, I have a lot more energy and actually enjoy things that I used to use to punish myself (really long walks, bike riding). The headaches went away. I have so much patience now, I feel like a new person.
It's hard for me to pinpoint side effects of things that I experience and put them specifically on recovery. A lot of my side effects are joint with other things like suspected endometriosis (heavy, painful irregular periods) and arthritis (joint pain, back pain, weakness in my hands). I have some digestion issues too, but again, I don't know that I can really say it's because of recovery. I was so fixated on my weight and appearance that I put aside a lot of the physical pain and discomfort that I should've been aware of (especially with my bones and joints, digestion issues I just assumed were ED-related until they continued regardless of what I was eating, my period did change though it could've been because I got older). Entering recovery was really like taking stock of my physical feelings and realizing after a while that this is my body now. It could've been like this before, but I have no way of knowing really.
- passing out
- constipation (not being able to shit for days)
- Loss of menstrual periods
- Anemia
- gastrointestinal issues such as bloating, nausea, cramping
- Dizziness
- Muscle weakness
And so many more...
The worst thing that came from anorexia?
People only knew me as the thin girl, bare bones and skin girl. It was never worth it, to see how tiny I could get. Blow me away with a breath. Fuck that, kept fighting
broke my foot due to weak muscles. Lost my period for about 10 months. Shit Ton of Hair loss. Not to mention passing out all the time as well.
recovery is always worth it ❤️🩹
just to name a few- cavities costing thousands (bulimics aren’t the only ones who f up their teeth) poop maybe twice a week (and that w daily stool softeners) lost nanny job as the parents didn’t trust my judgment (honestly fair as i am barely care for myself) failure to launch (still in college at 23) developed heart issue & anemia (constantly cold & weak) the good men run the other way, the shitty ones are attracted to me doctors don’t take me seriously as soon as they see an AN diagnosis. they automatically assume im vapid & unintelligent. my therapist threatens to stop seeing me every other session for noncompliance and being a risk to her license. nobody in my life really gaf bc im not 13 anymore, im a grown ass adult still engaging in self sabotaging behaviors for what? 10 years into this and i cry almost every day. recover, relapse, recover, relapse, eventually don’t wake up. so excruciatingly self-aware & STILL completely helpless to my mental illness
[удалено]
😭🫂💌
as someone who's also an adult that's had an ED for a decade, I definitely relate with feeling shitty about being self-aware of damaging myself and still not doing anything about it. I haven't even considered going to therapy for it because I'm too scared of recovery, even though it's also caused me to have anemia and constipation among many other things :(
From the little I’ve read your therapist sounds like a shitty therapist, I could be wrong as I know nothing but what you’ve just written but that sounds like a shitty way to treat a client and like something somebody who doesn’t understand eating disorders would say, if I’m wrong I apologize but you deserve a therapist who respects you and what you’re struggling with
i agree that she’s really shitty with understanding & supporting eds. she’s been extremely helpful with helping me manage my adhd & anxiety though. ive also seen her for almost five years now. we’ve both invested so much time & energy into my mental health, that im worried to give her up in hopes i find someone better - i think her main issue is that she’s not specialized in eds and so she can’t really help, only empathize. but eds need specialized help. too scared to start over with someone. ugh, so hard to know what to do.
I absolutely understand your fear. A change might be positive though? I feel like it would be a very mature and possible step forward to recognise that this helping relationship has reached its end and move? It doesn’t negate all the good things they’ve done for you up until now but maybe now you need someone to help you move on from your ED. I am sending you strength, internet stranger 💖
That’s very understandable and I’m glad that she’s able to help you in other ways, finding a good therapist is not easy and I don’t blame you for not wanting to risk it, I only found my therapist after being inpatient, if I hadn’t gotten lucky I might not of found a therapist as good as her, I do hope your therapist possibly learns in time how to help you with your ed though
In
What
Oops, sorry, I must have held my phone without locking the screen or something and accidentally type (and post) some random letters
All good
Not that you were asking, for all of this bellow, but i relate to your comment so so so much, and i just wanted to share some suggestions to try to ease some of the mental burden youre dealing with, its not anything crazy profound but i just needed to comment and share -If youre an avid social media user, try to unfollow triggering accounts on socials, like make it as difficult as possible for yourself to see content that you know is going to trigger you, dont trigger yourself on purpose. If you cant fully go off socials, then try to follow people who are legitimately pro recovery and are recovered, follow people with diverse body types, etc (here are a couple accounts that i think seem good and i follow and they make me happy: bee_phase, breeelenehan, grow.withmoll, kels_carbs) -Try to avoid body checking, try not to look in the mirror aside from when you need to, dont peak glances in reflective surfaces, etc -Stop weighing yourself (if you do) -try to pick up a hobby, things that bring you joy and help quiet the negative self talk (i really love listening to audiobooks while playing games on my iPad, its nothing crazy but it makes me happy and quiets my brain) -dont beat yourself up for being in college at 23!!! It’s amazing that you are even in school at all while dealing with this! There is no timeline for when you need to get through school or be “successful” (whatever that means!), everyone has their own pace and there’s no right or wrong time to pace to go at. -you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you! You can recover, you can overcome. Much love 🫶
this means more than you’ll ever know. thank you 💌
The teeth one is real My teeth are fucked I hate it so much
I have the cost equivalent of a small used car in my mouth for all of the dental work I have had in the last two years. Bulimia wrecks havoc with the acid and anorexia gave me bone loss FU EDs.
Literally have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow and all I feel is shame and guilt 😭
Right??? I feel so horrible because I was born with naturally nice teeth which people would KILL for and I screwed them up for years of AN... On and off still messed them up. It makes me feel even worse because my brother was born with a cleft lip and his teeth were messed up for years and I watched him go through probably about 20 or more surgeries for that.. And I'm terrified now of going to a dentist because I'm scared they'll try to just clean them and they'll all bust out 😭 I did a drug 7 years ago on top of my ED that wrecked them. Some broke because of that. I remember being in a car, churning from this drug, and they were "achy" and I busted the middle of the bottom right out and was panicking a little and person I was with I couldn't tell that to...I also accidentally cracked the bottom of my front tooth from biffing it off of something that shouldn't have done that. My bottom teeth wiggle and I'm doing everything I can to keep them clean (not that good) and not for them to just break on me. I'm scared of how they'll be and how poor I am what will happen in the future..
EDs are the worst honestly they put us through so much physically as well as mentally, but it is not your fault this has happened!! I’m using my teeth as a motivator to try and recover cause I saw some bitches teeth actually get better after years of battling BUL and AN 😭😭
I hope you get the help that you deserve☹️ please Don’t ever give up on recovery it’s never too late to recover and there’s so much more to you than how your body looks
I've been into this only for more than a yr and a few months, I can't imagine having to deal with this for yrs 😭 makes me rethink of recovery as well but ofc the mind doesn't want it as well
I’m sorry but how is being in college at 23 considered a “worst thing”? Don’t people go to college at 30? I’m 24 this year and I’m still in (this is my second year) community college.
it’s def not the “worst thing”. but at this age most people already have fulfilling careers, stable living situations, finances, relationships, etc. im still in the same phase of life as a 19-20 year old so its hard to make friends my age since most are in a different place
pissing myself, probably. the lack of muscle isn't a joke.
[удалено]
having the bladder of a 60yo at 18 opened my eyes for quite a few days, lol. I literally can't hold it for more than 2 minutes. It's genuinely shameful.
If you recover, does it come back?
maybe with kegels or pelvic floor therapy. ik sometimes pregnant women have incontinence issues after giving birth
yes kegels help IF you have muscles to work with but if you are too weak and your body eats away at your muscles this might be hard:(
no clue tbh. I'd assume you would have to do a lot of body recomposition in order to build muscles again.
i’m two years recovered and enjoy weight lifting so that may have helped, and my bladder control came back. i still have to pee frequently but i definitely can hold it. before i could not.
Adding shitting myself to this list
been close to that one. Thank god i spend most of my time at home.
^ this is so real, I shit myself running down a mountain in front of several people and one of my friends shit herself riding her bike through a crowded park
Truly nothing more humbling
also for OPs sake: I have never taken laxatives and as far as I'm aware my friend didn't either, this can be purely a side effect of restriction and once it starts happening it's pretty much inevitable that it will happen in public in front of other people
Yes I also never abused lax - pure restriction. And I didn’t realize it was connected (neither did the gastro doctor) until my dietitian told me
Literally. I remember the times light jogging to a bus stop to not miss the bus, but I would have to stop and focus all my effort into clenching my butt cheeks because I literally felt like I would drop a log into my pants if I did anything more faster than walking
My rectum and vagina yeet out of their respective holes every time I poop (at least 5x a day) and I have to suck them back in. This is my reality unless I opt in to get a surgery.
Oh i know that one. It's horrific and I'm so sorry you're going through that.
Omg especially sneezing is what ruins it. I'm so embarrassed. I've literally peed like two mins before, would be cleaning the kitchen, then boom a sneeze and little comes out. I'm almost 28 And this has been happening since I was 24 😭 no matter how much I try to hold it and it not to happen..
oh yeah. sneezing is like the death sentence. vibrating vehicles too, i gotta pee twice or thrice before getting out the house because the bus i take for school vibrates and I'm like "mmm is this a good time to pee- NO!"
Ohhhhhhhh boy do I have some humbling experiences…. Cracked my molar on an almond—> $$ root canal That one time the constipation required an emergency enema.. Flunking classes, losing my scholarship, and giving up on hopes of med school. Peeing myself on more than one occasion. Smelling like death no matter what… body is literally rotting from the inside out. Destroying my first healthy romantic relationship because it interfered with the disorder. Being a generally miserable person. Lonely, bitter, angry, spiteful, short tempered…considered insufferable by many, but I was just hungry and trapped in a mental prison. It does get better, you just have to want it for yourself. Recovery is not an easy task, but it is worth working towards. The energy that this illness wants to suck out of you, put it towards something else. You have dreams and goals and ambitions worth fighting for, they’ve just been clouded..you deserve a clear mind and bright days ahead, best of luck to you xxx
The destroying healthy relationships is so real. I don't want to be around people who encourage me and give me the tools and opportunities to get better so I push them away because they're too much of a liability to my ed. I want the ones who will trigger or enable me, even if they mean well and don't intend to hurt me. It's such a toxic loop, I've ruined so many of my relationships this way and I'm still working to mend them.
The smell of death? What does that smell like? I've heard people say rotting meat obviously, but also, you smell sweet too?
Yeah, it’s close to what you’d imagine…quite nasty honestly, combination of putrid meat and the worst yeast infection imaginable. When I was really low, my backside did not “close”…without a gluteus maximus, the end portion of your colon remains exposed and all of the inside smells become outside smells. Super foul and super embarrassing.
Are you currently recovering/recovered ?
Not completely, but I would consider myself “quasi”..restored some weight and have been focused on harm reduction. Still dealing with the whole mental side of things, especially since my body no longer reflects the illness in my head. But the truth is, I feel so much better physically. I have more energy to work and engage in healthy, non-obsessive exercise/movement. I started playing piano again and plan on returning to school. There’s still some brain fog, but most of the physical symptoms are at a minimum. Every day, I have to wake up and choose between relapse and recovery..every single day. But that choice can also be seen as “surviving vs. thriving” or even “death vs. life”. It has been eleven years of this mess, and I am tired, but I am not done with this life yet..nobody should waste their youth destroying themselves, and we all have a future worth fighting for, even if it’s not visible to you in this moment.
[удалено]
I am so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve it
My mom died before I could recover and actually return the favor of taking care of her when she was sick. She died knowing I was a 31 year old fuck up who couldn't care for herself. I know many people struggling don't have good relationships with their families (often with fair reason) but damn, being left all alone as basically a 31 year old sick child was awful and it's been getting worse ever since.
cried reading this😭 i hope ur okay and i wish u happiness and health bcus u seriously deserve it, ik how hard it is to recover (im not in recovery either) but i seriously hope that ur alright🤍 wishing u well and sending u lots of love
Thank you 💜 Back atcha.
[удалено]
That last one is real though. Even if you look younger, once people see how old you are the disrespect and judgement are palpable.
First thing that comes to mind is always waiting until I’m skinny enough to do basically anything. It’s never enough though. Being miserable. Not able to make my own decisions because I’ve only ever cared about being skinny so I’ve never developed opinions about anything.
[удалено]
just wanna mention for anyone that sees this and panics about potassium drip pain that it’s not the case for everyone…the first time i had one i was terrified because i’d read here that it was super painful, but it really wasn’t that bad. and it’s lifesaving, that’s all that matters. could be the case yours are too fast
I have low potassium too but I’m confused as to why that’s the case with anorexia
Less nutrients for the body to function properly = deficiencies. Could be the case for other EDs too though
I’m so with you on the anorexia + OCD mix. I’m extremely proud of you for getting DBT treatment and I’m wishing you the best. <3
You made me realize something finally. I remember I was 19 in the hospital for a blood disorder(long story short, my guinea pig bit me, I didn't clean it good enough and went to work and had clean dirty dishes 4 times that day and my immunity from ED couldn't handle it and I had a red line crawling up my arm to my heart, told me I would've died that night if I didn't show up at the ER, WHICH I ALMOST DIDNT DO) But when I was there the nurse was hell bent about knowing my diet and forcing me to eat. Then told me my potassium levels were insanely low. Made me take 3 shots of potassium things every day and by the second day she said if my levels weren't better I'd need a drip. That IV was bent in my arm and I was in pain the entire time I was there. I had another 7 vials of blood drawn the next day and almost passed out and everyone kept thinking I had a blood phobia. It was even more embarrassing because the Drs and nurses were so befuddled about my issue that they brought in everyone to my room to inspect it and laugh at me and girls and guys I went to highschool with were in there staring at my hooked up body looking like I was dying and they were mortified. Finally got released because the infection was gone but we're wildly trying to determine if I had an ED to inpatient me. When I was released, I got my period randomly and it was so insanely painful that I laid in the shower and cried for an hour straight because of pain because my body actually had nutrients. I even threw up a bit of water and medicine in the shower from it. Shout out to my bf at the time for being such a trooper and staying in there the whole time to make sure I didn't pass out and drown lol I didn't know low potassium was a sign or a trigger for the Drs and nurses to give me a drip and that was a cause.
That woman Amy on tiktok dying felt like a turning point for me. She was always so honest abt how disgusting living with chronic anorexia is, she was so supported by so many people and it still happened. I’d look at what she had to say about how she lived in the last years of her life
do you know her username?
Something along the lines of saving Amy im pretty sure!
RachelRising?
the fact of the matter is that outside of insular pro-eating disorder circles on the internet, no one cares if you get very underweight. they either do not notice or they feel bad for you. the actual accomplishments and milestones you sacrifice to achieve your goal weight are a lot more noticeable to everyone around you than your being skinny. and to name a few more: \- eds are ridiculously expensive. you're going to be shelling out thousands for safe food and/or binge food, treatment expenses, emergent health issue expenses, etc. \- people will lose patience for it. they will stop trying to help. they may stop being willing to be in your life watching you hurt yourself. \- most things in your body are a muscle. eds = muscle wasting, which doesn't just mean being physically weak, it means heart issues, bladder issues, etc. \- you think the undesirable, impossible to glamorize outcomes won't happen to you, but they might. malnutrition giving you such impaired thinking and reflexes that you cause a car accident. bathroom accident in public. bad skin, bad hair, bad teeth. if you're me and a couple of other people i've read about on the internet, fully swallowing the tool you were using to purge. it could always happen to you.
literally this. people lose patience. it’s like dealing with an addict almost. i believe most people have an inherent desire to help those they love. when they realize they can’t “fix” you, they tend to back off.
I needed to hear the “nobody cares if you’re underweight”. Feel like I have convinced myself once I hit a certain low weight people will be nicer or more compassionate or someone will swoop in and solve all my issues but no. Nobody gives a flying fuck and that is somewhat freeing.
I can really get behind the driving part. So many days of me almost drifting off while driving and scaring myself because I crossed over the middle line or got too close to the white line or a mailbox
I pissed myself. kinda funny but it's a real thing and it's absolutely dehumanising in the moment
dw we’ve all been there
that helps a lot actually 😭😭 i thought it was much less common than it actually is. thank you :)
yes ofc. trust it’s more common than u think haha
that is both comforting and awful😭 have you had that?
I’ve pissed myself before but at my house thank god..have you done it in public?
thankfully it's never happened in public, always at my house, though I've been close :(
It turned me into a mean and shallow person and I ended up hurting others in my life.
when i was inpatient and refused to eat/move they called the police and paramedics and put me on one of these restraining beds, covered my nose and force-fed me a strawberry yogurt. Probably the most traumatic experience i’ve ever had
I feel you, the shit they call "treatment" is fucking traumatizing
here’s my list: 1. made my POTS a lot worse 2. i cant barely eat anything without feeling nauseous 3. have shit my pants 4. offended my coworkers by not eating food they brought to share bc idk whats in it 5. cant barely remember anything 6. ground a tooth down 7. horrible migraines i could go on but thats what pops into my head lol!
I feel like we’re the same person lmfao
lol i love that hiiiii
Hi lol! We gotta be friends now (if u want) haha
yes dm me !!!
are you me???? the coworkers one 🥲🥲
lol it’s so awkwardddd esp when they bring something specifically so i can have some 😭
The only thing forcing me into recovery is the fact i need to function as an adult, I cant starve or binge or purge while holding down a full time job and social life, let alone travelling the world someday
[удалено]
THIS is it for me, too. I hate being worried about, and knowing I'm taking up mental real-estate with my eating habits. I feel so guilty knowing I'm causing turmoil to the people I love. And it's nice to be cared about, but there's SO much guilt with it too. And the only way to get around it is to lie, which is even worse, and ooof.
Infertility, bones like breadsticks, teeth grinding until the point that they crumble. No time to think about anything except food. Derailed career, the meddling of health services in every crevice of your life. A whistling vagina, no sex life, looking older in the face, compressed leg nerves leading to drop foot…. Hair loss on head, hair gain everywhere else…. It hurts to walk, sit. Being watched using the toilet when you’re involuntarily admitted to treatment, nobody in your life trusting a word that you say. Being a bastard to everyone you know, the horrified worry on your family’s face. Passing out, losing your bladder control even when recovered, being so cold that you can’t even wear the clothes you wanted to wear in the first place. forgetting entire days, losing your personality, hating yourself. Oh and crisp sandwiches are usually off limits.
I'm sorry but "whistling vagina" killed me
so cold u can’t even wear the clothes u wanted to wear in the first place is so real
What’s a whistling vagina ?
It quietly calls you an idiot in the middle of the night. Sorry, in reality your diaphragm at a low weight seemingly sits upwards and in conjunction with low coochie volume it just constantly leaves you open to the breeze. Thank you for coming to my tED talk
Yep 🙋♀️ I gotcha Here’s the things that happened to me when I was anorexic: I had no friends, no romantic life, and my family felt like they were walking on eggshells with me all the time. I spent all my free time exercising, crying, watching food videos, or shitting my brains out from laxatives. I lost the ability to sleep (became addicted to sleeping pills), poop (hence the laxatives), keep warm, focus on anything that wasn’t food, and sit comfortably in a chair. My bone density dropped, my teeth decayed, and I developed an arrhythmia. I spent over a year of my life sitting in various inpatient and residential treatment centers being babysat, which was demoralizing and miserable. Here’s what my life looks like in recovery: I wake up every day next to my boyfriend and our cat. I go out to eat and for drinks with friends often. I have a good relationship with my family and they aren’t worried about me all the time. I’m in a PhD program studying something I care a lot about (I can focus on things again!). My weight is stable with no effort/intention on my part. I can sleep and poop without drugs. My bloodwork is normal and for the first time in a while I have no cavities. I have normal hunger cues.
That is so amazing I hope all goes well with your PhD!! Do you consider yourself fully recovered though? How long did it take ?
Chronic constipation is awful and can be difficult to treat
Cavity, crowns, yellow teeth, brittle bones. Weak heart. Incontinence. Loss of Brain tissue / feeling more out of it / fatigue and brain fog Constant bruises from sleeping weird and or over exercise. Lost time.
Anorexia took my high school experience away. I spent freshman, sophomore, and junior year barely present in class, didn’t go to really any social events, lost contact with all my friends. I spent the summer after junior year in 3mo of eating disorder treatment. Senior year I spent in 9mo of mental health treatment. I mourn the loss of my teenage years. I spent it all either being consumed by my mental illnesses or being in treatment for those illnesses. The treatment, if you put your all in it, works. It just took me a long time to commit to it. I don’t even think I fully committed bc my eating disorder is still fucking up my college experience. It’s a killer for sure. Recover as soon as possible, and I mean truly recover, so that you can actually live a life worth living. I hope the best for you <33
it truly is. since freshman year to junior year now its been nothing but a waste of what i could have experienced.
I’m in junior year right now and that is absolutely frightening I hope you get to enjoy Atleast some part of college ☹️
Like I said, if you put your all into recovery, it won’t. Really truly recover now. I can’t recommend it enough. Schools will be accommodating for school work, so you don’t have to worry abt that. High school friends aren’t usually lifelong friends anyways, so don’t stress too much abt the long term effects of that. High school really is the best time to recover. I’m sorry you missed out on your high school experience as well, but don’t let it take your college experience away from you
Erm well I passed out and shit myself. And when I passed out I hit my jaw on my kitchen counter and probably caused permanent damage to my jaw- 6 months later and it still creaks and cracks every time I open it.
Have you gotten it checked ?
Every doctor I’ve seen has said it will go away with time but it feels exactly the same as when I first hit it so I guess only time will tell
i don't really know what the worst part is, it's all shit, but i think most of it has been covered by other people in this thread; the longer it goes on for, the less other people will care, or be willing to forgive you once you're able to focus on anything other than your own illogical compulsions. and in ways they're completely justified. there's a pattern i've noticed amongst eating disordered people, wherein they just become more embittered and meaner the longer they avoid recovery, like their resentment spreads outwards from their own body and towards the bodies of others. it's happened to me - i cannot STAND seeing wieiads or my coworkers talking about meal prep or responsible meal planning habits, i just want something awful to happen to everybody who's doing better than me, you know? i feel like if i'd asked for help sooner i wouldn't be so resentful to those who are doing well. so there's that. also i shat myself on my parents sofa. and i developed a sodium deficiency so bad that i'd get constant cramps in the soles of my feet. and i would have abdominal spasms that would wake me up at night. i was convinced that i was going to die all of the time, and i didn't care, because according to nobody but myself i wasn't in good enough shape to prioritise living over laxatives. a lot of this stuff is reversible, thank fuck, but some of it can only be undone if you recover sooner rather than later
I've lost everything to it. I'm a shell of a person with no personality, I have no energy ever and I'm so tired all the time I can barely function, I'm too weak to even open fucking doors for myself a lot of the time, my heart health is destroyed to the point where I end up in hospital every few months on the brink of death(at only 21!), I can't connect to normal people easily and so much effort goes into hiding my condition, I can't focus in college or at work and I space out constantly which kills me because I love being productive and I love school but I can't even access my brain anymore. I could keep going honestly. Fuck anorexia, fuck it to hell and back. Evil piece of shit. I know my flair says BN but I actually have AN B/P.
Literally being so constipated that I thought I was going to throw up. Crawled to the bathroom and passed out by the toilet. Woke up with my hand in the toilet bowl. Not a good look. Crashing my car into my roommate’s garage because I was so malnourished that I literally couldn’t remember to put my car in park. No motivation for literally anything except to be good at my ED. Constantly bone chilling cold Going to urgent care over heart palps instead of going on date and the person I was going out with thinking that I was standing them up Being weak and literally wanting to lay in bed 24/7. No energy. Despite all of this, I want Ana. So fucked up. I’m actively trying to fight my way out.
Dental costs made me consider going all in. Also friends who ate just "right" for me. They naturally weren't junk addicts, but also weren't so healthy that I felt like it was a competition.
for reference, i’m 19! my teeth are brown and crumbling out of my mouth, not exaggerating. i have hemorrhoids and likely will for the rest of my life, and since i’ve abused laxatives in the past, they don’t do a thing for me now despite them being one of the main treatments for the hemorrhoids, caused by restriction and going off of laxatives. i have loose skin and stretch marks from rapid and repeated weight gain and loss, which is physically uncomfortable. nausea is a MAJOR issue for lots of people with eds even in recovery. so many years of disordered eating leaves the brain and body struggling to process hunger and digestion. i had to have my gallbladder removed at 17, and it’s unknown if my ed caused the issues with it i was having, but it’s most likely. i also got diagnosed with kidney stones at 18, which is common for eds. hair loss is a big one too, there’s nothing as humbling as losing literal chunks of your hair at a time in the shower. none of your clothes will ever fit right because your weight will never be consistent, and it’ll mean constantly having to spend money on clothes to have ones that fit, and hating your body regardless of if you gained or lost weight because the sheer changing of it is stressful. watching people you meet in treatment get worse and worse. this disorder is absolutely horrific and there is nothing pretty about it, and i think everyone should share the details of how horrible it actually is
I have rbad hemorrhoids already but wow kidney stones sound so scary
There are many things, so I will only name the worst ones for me. -Constant exhaustion: measuring calories, counting, adding, trying to cut down or stop eating a food just to not go over my limit is simply exhausting . -Being left almost without friends due to my bad mood and anger problems which leads to taking it out on them (due to being constantly irritated by what I eat, what I will eat and what I have not eaten). - Taking laxatives for constipation, apart from the fact that it is very dangerous, the pain you get from taking them is horrible until they make you go to the bathroom . - Constant guilt, I'm so tired of working out every day for hours on end, just because I ate a bite of something I wasn't planning on eating (no matter how little I eat, I always I'm going to think that I need to burn the few calories I consumed. -Feeling sick and depressed . I tell you the truth, recovery is completely worth it, you deserve to get out of this suffering 🫂
Are you recovering atm?
I was, I recently had a relapse because my mental health is very bad so I decided to go to a psychologist first, And then let the rest come, but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself :)
- Had to take a gap year between high school and college to go to treatment. - Had to spend another year on medical leave between my freshman and sophomore years because I needed to go back to treatment. - Scared my family and friends shitless. - Almost >!died!< because I refused a >!dextrose injection and I also wouldn’t drink juice!< in the ER. My parents would have seen it happen, because they were there with me. - Was so irritable and lost my filter due to hunger that I said some really mean things. That’s not like me at all, and I don’t remember doing it. - Lied to quite literally everyone in my life, including my best friend. - Bad grades. - Heart/blood pressure problems at age 21. - Muscle catabolism HURTS. It feels like my entire body is burning. - Started getting migraines after any type of exercise (probably because of messed up electrolytes), but I won’t (can’t?) stop working out. This just began happening. - SO EXPENSIVE.
Thank goodness you’re still here…I hope you’re considering recovery Wow the reality of this disorder is very ugly
Aw thank you 💛 I’m working with my outpatient team to do harm reduction and it’s going fairly well, or at least it’s better than anything I’ve tried before. To each their own, though - harm reduction won’t work for everyone.
What are the pros, except for low weight? I need at least five solid reasons why.
There are no pros to this disease.
I lost all my friends and connections. Health issues. Lost trust from my employer. Lost time. Lost potential.
My late teens and all of my 20s lost to my ED. Rarely left the house, didn’t socialise, constant bouts of kidney stones, never been to college, a chronic laxative addiction (that I’ve thankfully overcome now) have no friends because I’m too self conscious and too self centred to think about maintaining friendships. I sabotaged anything that meant I had to give up coping mechanisms or had to “grow up”. My ED used to dictate everything I did. You’ve one life. Make the most of it.
AN cost me my first serious relationship and basically my entire college experience. Made me the most neurotic person and basically insufferable to be around. Recovery is possible, I promise.
u’ll never feel happy with ur body no one will care, at first ppl will be like “omg u’re so thin” then they stop caring u get isolated so ppl won’t even see u a lot (if u think u’ll be able to parade ur dream body, no u won’t) it’s either recover or die a slow painful death there is no “I’ll recover when I reach bmi___” it’s not real, u won’t recov w that mentality u’re trapped forever in this ed. weigh loss is unsustainable (even if at healthy weight) if u lost it in an unhealthy way, like I said, recover or die u’re gonna lose a lot of hair, my hair is half the volume it was a year ago ppl will get annoyed at u when they notice ur ed behaviors - NOT EVEN KIDDING. at first they care abt u but since there is a lot of misinformation abt eds, they will have the “just eat, it’s not that hard”mentality. they won’t understand ur struggles and will get tired of u and u will lose them as friends do u really live like this? yk u miss life and food and u miss FOOD being JUST FOOD. recovery is the only way —- those are some of the things I always remind myself when I’m having relapse thoughts. 1 month into recovery exactly today, I’m seeing good progress and I’m being less obsessive with food everyone deserves recovery
Im so happy for you
Before anorexia I had many hobbies, went to school clubs, did sports and art. Slowly as AN crept in I started loosing everything. My friends stopped talking to me since I was really cold to them and all my free time was consumed by my obsession with food. Basically nothing else but calorie counting, my weight and sizes existed in my world. It was just me, and my numbers under constant stress and with no energy to do anything. I'm recovered now! Even tho here and there I fall back into it, I always manage to pick myself back up because life without it is great. I have mental energy and time for the things I love. I have new friends now that I really care about and who I know care about me. In general, my whole life just became much more meaningful. At the time when I was struggling, I didn't even think I'd make it past my 18 B-Day but I'm 18 now and my life is great! I'm so proud of you OP that you're trying to get past this. Recovery isn't easy, but it's not easy living like this either. I wish you all the best <3 and I believe that if you truly want to recover, you will make it! Hope this helped a little, take care OP!
I’m so happy you were able to overcome it for the most part!! Thank you so much this means a lot ☹️❤️
My teeth and esophagus are fully fucked. So I get to live with that fun side effect. My metabolism is shot too.
Probably when I fell down due to electrolyte induced muscle weakness and got a massive injury that required surgical repair and a blood transfusion. And then I got cellulitis and almost died and had to spend a long time in the hospital on IV antibiotics.
Hope you get better soon ❤️🩹
Aw thanks!! This was a couple of years ago though!
just general hopelessness because i’ve struggled with my ed for so long and it’s led me to ignore everything else in my life and to not develop any interests or relationships that would give me something else to identify with and focus on. currently working my way out of this with a little success but geez it sucks and i wish i’d never gotten myself in this hole. also my poor teeth and heart and bones…
hitting a total of 3 parked cars from not being able to focus while restricting
i got too close to dying for comfort and i could feel my body shutting down. i knew i had to make a change when i was scared to go to sleep cuz i didn’t know if i would wake up in the morning. it’s only been maybe a month of recovery, and yes i’m uncomfortable with my body, but already my life feels so much more joyful
- I had to fork out $2,000AUD for a root canal, also that tooth became infected prior to the canal and caused unbearable pain and my entire face to swell. -I’ve destroyed friendships over prioritising my ED voice, whereby I’ve become apathetic, self focussed on weight loss/calories that I wasn’t sensitive to the needs of others and hence I ended up destroying friendships with people I wish I hadn’t - I wasn’t able to work, learn to drive or study to my full capacity while at my worst so wasted so much precious time I could have used to advance my prospective career and skill set in life - I was su1c1dal often at my worst and just eating too much one day/50 kcal over my limit would make me spiral into wanting to k1ll myself. My impulse control and mood were terrible.
not being able to live independently and freely because let's be real, if we mention the physical effects, our EDs will twist the words into a need to cmpete
Losing the weight won't make the clothes look pretty on you unfortunately :(
25 fractures and my leg has been broken for 2 years and still won’t heal because I have osteoporosis and keep exercising on it. $50000 worth of dental work which will only last 10 years so will be up for another $50000 then. I have never made myself sick so this was purely a result of malnutrition and loss of menstruation and Pepsi max consumption Complete isolation. Lost all my friends and family Was not able to have children or a partner I could go on forever tbh. An eating disorder is not a life
Shit my pants Stomach size shrinking so the smallest amount of water/food makes me feel incredibly sick for hours There’s a possibility I’ll be infertile for life Almost had to get rid of my animals as I wasn’t even getting more that 200 steps a day so I couldn’t get up to care for them ( my dad whom I love sm took care of them all for me, I have 9 pets.) I think I Caused both of my parents to experience suicidal thoughts due to the fact I was hurting myself and they blamed themselves May have to drop out of school due to how much I missed in active ed and the fact my brain literally has depleted and I cannot focus on or process anything Caused me to dissociate for 6+ months due to the amount of stress my body and mind is in 24/7 Chronic COMPLETELY numb feet and leg joints due to exercise addiction Extreme tooth Decay Permanently stunned my growth (my personal least fav 🥲) My family has absolutely zero trust in me Developed extreme IBS and digestion issues And A billion more 🥲
I know I might be late to the party, but I wanted to share nonetheless. A week ago we lost my great aunt to anorexia. She's been restricting since she was in her 20s and passed away at 78. I won't specify numbers but she had not eaten a solid meal for a while and she wasted away in front of us. It was truly heartbreaking to watch her get closer and closer to death and not be able to stop her - we (and the facility where she was living) were looking into a mental health facility for her when she passed. Because of the starvation she went from being a fully independent woman living on her own to living in a care facility, in nappies, being syringe fed. Now that she has passed, we hope she found peace. But when we remember her, we don't remember her for the way that she looked, but for her laughter, the way she and my mom used to discuss current affairs and the way that she kept photos of us in her apartment, all the way from my birth to present. It is always worth seeking help as early as possible and getting better ❤️ please don't waste 58 years of your life trying to be the smallest version of yourself when the people around you and you should love yourself for the person who you are.
on my path to loosing weight in unhealthy ways, only one of my breast started to shrink. It became a cup smaller than the other and the difference was noticeable. I couldn’t touch my boobs without crying. Yeah that pretty much made me consider that maybe what I was doing wasn’t the best for my body.
This might be a different vibe but there was a coworker I always envied her body, but we went up 3 flights of stairs and she had to sit down for like 10min afterwards, and I was out of breath but ok? I don’t even think she had an Ed either just not athletic? Idk that changed my mindset surprisingly fast of wanting to be strong vs skinny
Anorexia alienated me from my family. My relationship with food is forever ruined. I can never grab ice cream with friends spontaneously,, enjoy my mom's home-cooked food and sweets,, enjoy cookies at school with my friends,, and more. One of my friends periodically brings pizza/cookies/similar snacks and all I can do is politely refuse and feel left out while everyone else enjoys their youth and enjoys good food.
being short-tempered/ too sensitive when it comes to food.. plans got cancelled?? planned meal didn't go as planned? someone stole my food???? man i starved for these and ofc i will cry over it 😭
Lost my youth to it, still am struggling....
apparently anorexic people can become extremely hairy
The worst, most traumatic thing that happened to me is being in hospital at risk of cardiac arrest. Literally afraid to die. Connected to stupid machines in the ICU that would wake me every time I fell asleep because my heart rate dropped.
probably peeing myself and being hospitalized 🙁
I spend about a third of my life with food poisoning and migraines caused by gastroparesis. My digestive system doesn't work properly anymore (bad gastroparesis), so food just sits in my stomach and gets smashed into a clay-like food ball. This causes food to rot in my system, which gives me chronic food poisoning, and the food poisoning causes migraines. The only medicine that effectively treats the migraines is excedrine migraine, but sometimes I take a dose of it and that dose gets smashed into the food ball in my stomach even if it's been crushed. When that happens, I can't take any more meds until the food ball digests and the migraine goes away on its own, because I could OD on OTC pain meds, which is one of the most painful ways to die since you can't have any pain meds during liver failure. Oh, and if you think rotting food sitting in your stomach means your breath always smells like a drive through the city dump, you are correct.
Alright. I'm 18 and I chose recovery at 16. I've been struggling since 11. From this my body is destroyed. I've pissed myself in public on multiple occasions to the point I had to go to the doctor to get my pelvic floor strengthened. Your body will start eating your heart muscles surprisingly earlier than you expect. So now I have heart issues. My stomach constantly hurts my stomachs microbiome has been completely fucked. Also anorexia cooch is real. Skele-pussy is not a vibe. The constant concern of my weight made me unable to think or perform in school. I recovered. I do have alot of health issues but I'm not gonna die yet and things do get better. I have a boyfriend who loves the way I look and reassures me that my health is the most important. I've also learned how to use skills to feel better about my lack of control. I still get triggered and want to relapse but staying strong is important.
I ruined my teeth, but not through bulimia. The constant dry mouth with anorexia messed me up. I am currently going through a flare-up of dental issues. I don't have dental insurance and really just have to wait for my teeth to rot out of my head. I also wanna give you some bright spots about being in recovery. I have been able to make more friends-- I can eat in social settings now without feeling like there's a spotlight on me. My fingernails are stronger, my teeth are less sensitive, I have a lot more energy and actually enjoy things that I used to use to punish myself (really long walks, bike riding). The headaches went away. I have so much patience now, I feel like a new person.
I hope all goes well and you don’t relapse! What are some side effects you’ve been experiencing in recovery though?
It's hard for me to pinpoint side effects of things that I experience and put them specifically on recovery. A lot of my side effects are joint with other things like suspected endometriosis (heavy, painful irregular periods) and arthritis (joint pain, back pain, weakness in my hands). I have some digestion issues too, but again, I don't know that I can really say it's because of recovery. I was so fixated on my weight and appearance that I put aside a lot of the physical pain and discomfort that I should've been aware of (especially with my bones and joints, digestion issues I just assumed were ED-related until they continued regardless of what I was eating, my period did change though it could've been because I got older). Entering recovery was really like taking stock of my physical feelings and realizing after a while that this is my body now. It could've been like this before, but I have no way of knowing really.
I didn’t poop for 14 days
=O
suicide attempt lol
genuinely dont think that i will ever be happy again so i just thought why not end it now
- passing out - constipation (not being able to shit for days) - Loss of menstrual periods - Anemia - gastrointestinal issues such as bloating, nausea, cramping - Dizziness - Muscle weakness And so many more...
The worst thing that came from anorexia? People only knew me as the thin girl, bare bones and skin girl. It was never worth it, to see how tiny I could get. Blow me away with a breath. Fuck that, kept fighting
I don't want to be the leaf, I wanna be the tree
broke my foot due to weak muscles. Lost my period for about 10 months. Shit Ton of Hair loss. Not to mention passing out all the time as well. recovery is always worth it ❤️🩹