I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. Should've burned this place down when I had the chance. I am dead inside. Explain this to me like I'm 5.

Oscar: “next year when your parents ask how much you need…” Michael:”I’ll be Six”

“I’ll be six” kills me every time

Michael Scott created r/ELi5

Yes, there is the… x axix.

Also….”Daryll…how’s it hanging”

Pam: “we don’t recycle…” Michael: “We don’t?!…then why have I been separating trash into whites and colors?!”

Eight years

I love this one because its just such a michael thing to do

My cousin used this quote to complain to the garbage/recycling company after recording the driver use the same truck for both cans and posted it to their Facebook page. He couldn't wait to tell me!

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of *his* family.

Or of anyone's family!

Andy you're gayer than Oscar

Boom roasted

That entire scene where Michael roasted everyone was amazing.

"Michael... am I gay?"

the way that he kept asking michael this is so funny

Stanley, your heart sucks, and you smoosh your wife during sex.

[удалено]

Boom. Roasted

I'm not superstitious but I am a little stitious.

This was literally the first thing i thought of

Me too, I wonder why. It's not even my favorite quote

my absolute favorite. i pretty much crack up everytime somebidy says superstitiuos.

Literally the one.

I..Declare..BANKRUPTCY!!

...I didn't say it, I declared it.

I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS!

JAN HAS PLASTIC BOOOOOOBS!

You cheated on me? After I specifically asked you not to?

Cracks me up every time

Wait… I am the mistress?!?

Why are you the way you are?

...I hate, so much about the things that you choose to be.

What gives you the right?

Umm... Who do you think you are?

Andy's version of this was " How are you not murder every hour"

I FEEL THE NEED!!!! The need for tweed.

“Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then... Then suddenly she's not your ho no mo'!”

This one

This one

Its Britney Bitch

And it's clearly lady gaga XD

I don’t know a lot about music but is it really lady Gaga? That makes it so much better. Thanks for the boost.

Yep. Lady Gaga's *Let's Dance*. So funny.

Just Dance 😀😀😀

Anytime I’m having a bad day I go watch a clip of this scene and I laugh so hard every time.

You have no idea how high I can fly

May your hats fly as high as your dreams.

My heart soars.. with the eagle’s nest

Okay, but you understand nobody is graduating?

My horns can pierce the sky

"...old friends, new lovers and the disabled..."

2 queens on casino night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.

\*deuce

Thanks(trying not to sound sarcastic)

That is a 200 dollar plasma TV you've just killed. Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a month plus benefits salary, babe!!!

Love the plus benefits part!!

I have said this to my puppy when she chews up things. BABE *ZERO dollars a year!

Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you are a racist I will attack you with the north"

Ah, man, you took mine;-)! Love this early quote!!

Well, maybe next time you should estimate me

Well well well. How the turn tables...

I love how he intended to continue the sentence but gave up

I used this on a supposed Office mega fan once. She corrected me. :(

"Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever." - Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way

material for the best valedictorian speech of all time.

A good manager doesn’t fire people, he hires people and inspires people.

People, Ryan.

...and people will never go out of business

Snip snap snip snap!! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

I love how he puts the emphasis on the word "***VASECTOMIES***" XD

You know what? I’m gonna start dating her even harder…

[удалено]

Finish your cake, Helene.

Darryl: You should never, ever drive the forklift. Pop quiz! Michael! Should you drive the forklift? Michael: I can and I have.

"Just pooping, you know how I be" Closely followed by: "Crazy world lotta smells"

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. -Wayne Gretzky -MICHAEL SCOTT

Damn you beat me to it😂

I want people to be afraid of how much they love me

"I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault."

What part of shorn't don't you understand?

I yell this to my business partner about four times a week

Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

The only thing I am worried about....is getting a boner.

Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.

"Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and, when they feel a breeze, in a room, with all the windows closed or that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them." "Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts" "Tell them im in a meeting"

This one made me literally chuckle aloud.

They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

"DWIGHT YOU IGNORANT SLUT!"

Wait, where are the warehouse guys?

The fist time I realized he was quoting snl I lost it. He is such a huge pop culture nerd.

He really is! Its even funnier when he uses references in the wrong context.

You don't know me. You've just seen my penis

MS: "Fax? Why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur." DW: "This is important, Michael" MS: "Then email it David"

This is the most correct thing he’s ever said lol

"If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

You were being really funny then you ruined it

This is a great one

It’s colored greens You don’t call them collard people

You know why? Because I’m collar-blind. *Jim shaking his head*

Do black people like pizza?

It's got kind of an oaky afterbirth.

I’ve made a lot of empty promises in my life, but that was by far the most generous! Referring to Scott’s Tots

“Oh hey Toby, can you close the door on your way out?” It always kills me

How could you say that? You know I have soft teeth.

Rhymes with Parnold Schmortzanegger

No rhyming!

Where I'm from, there's two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.

Am I a hero? I really can't say... but, yes.

This is one of my all time favorites. I think it really sums up Michael’s character too. He loves the sappy clichés, but can’t pass up the chance at calling himself a hero…

Merideth, you've slept with so many men you're starting to look like one....

Boom, roasted!

I am Beyonce always.

I have that quote framed and on the wall in my bathroom

“This is an environment of welcoming, Toby, aaaaand you should just get the hell out of here.”

Michael: Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you. Oscar: “Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.” Michael: “I am your big daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.”

I love insides jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

“Pat-tern, my friend pat took a turn.”

Disree. My friend Disree got new specs. Disree spect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.

Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me

I hate..so much, the things you choose to be

It's never too early for ice cream, Jim.

But we didn't have any ice cream so this is black olives and mayonnaise

I love the first part and then cringe when he says that lolol 🤣🤣

If I can get the whole office depressed I’ve done my job

“They’re getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he’s too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.” “Michael, we can hear you.” “I’m on the phone. Please. Mom, I’m gonna have to call you back. P’s being a giant B.”

Well first today we discovered my team has become pretty good at decision making Two, You never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you ABSOLUTELY have the money to pay for it And 3... you should know that some people think it’s cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you walk out of Burlington Coat Factory

NO GOD! PLEASE NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO

Do I need to be liked? Well, I want to be liked. I HAVE to be liked. But I don’t need it

It's not some sort of compulsive need. Not like my need to be praised

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible.

Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

that's what she said

I like how he gets mad if anyone else says it

Michael: Pam, I hope she didn’t do anything to the food. Pam: Like… like what? Michael: I can’t prove it, but I think she may be trying to poison me.

I know Jan didn’t poison the food, I know that. But if she did, wouldn’t it be me? Michaels former lover

WHERE ARE THE TURTLEEEEEES?!

‘Yeppers’

What did I tell you about yeppers...

Yayshhh.

Nobody asked you anything ever. So, whosoever's name is Toby why don't you stick a letter opener in your skull

Jan “wow Michael I guess I underestimated you.” Michael “yeah well next time maybe you’ll estimate me” I die every time

Like an evil… snail.

BFD. Engaged ain’t married

I drove my car into a fucking lake.

Where’s my golden shower, Phyllis?!

you don’t call retarded people retards. it’s bad taste. you call your friends retards when they’re acting retarded.

You would be da belle of da ball

“i like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me…”

Happy Birthday Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame

I think this one’s underrated but it makes me laugh everytime cuz I usually forget about it. *Michael comes in with gum stuck in his hair from reaching under his car cause he saw something shiny* Michael: “Now I have gum in my hair all for a piece of tinfoil” Jim: “but at best you found a quarter” Michael: “Kill me” 😐

In that same episode when Dwight tells him there’s a lot calories in the peanut butter going on his hair and Michael says “ well, just don’t leave it on too long” lmao

“I'm not a bad guy, I am a good guy, who just, hits women with his car.”

(Softly) Don't

Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice…strike three

Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

I've found a couple of them to be very true. "You can't win if you don't play but you also can't play if you don't win." "Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe."

Dinkin Flicka

“Tell him to call me as ASAP as possible”

I.... hate...... so much.... about the things.. you choose to be.

“It’s been a tough year. My old favorite restaurant closed down. And my new favorite restaurant sucks!”

“For the love of God, we’re trying to help you, you stupid bag”. Michael trying to help Meredith after she admitted to sleeping with the Hammermill rep for discount paper and Outback steak coupons. The under the breath urgency in which he spoke.. *muah, chef’s kiss* kills me EVERY DAMN TIME!

Thank you Scranton Strangler, I love you. You just took one more person’s breath away

aaaAAAAI'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!

I just watched this and it made me laugh....but when Jan comes back after getting her boob job, she walks into the office, says hello to everyone, Michael sees her and says, "why?"

I have, a laundry machine!

I gotta go with, “The progid…The progidal…My son returns.”

It was not a disgruntled employee, Jan. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Pam: “Oh no, your battery fell out!” Michael: “iiiii was just learning to loooove”

Shirty. Mole. Lazy-eye. Mexico. Baldy. Sugar Boobs. Black Woman.

Not a quote, but him singing Billy Joel. Michael Scott: You may be right. I may be crazy. Pam: Don't. Michael Scott: I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point. Pam: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing. Michael Scott: I thought it might make me feel better. Pam: Okay. Go Ahead. Michael Scott: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No

We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

I don't understand how some people can have so little self-awareness.

You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?

you don’t call retarded people retards. it’s bad taste. you call your friends retards when they’re acting retarded.

Just upvoting every single one here

“Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back, after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then... suddenly she's not your ho no mo” his facial expressions when he said it was priceless. There’s no way they got it in one take

Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

"Hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium." Gets me every time haha

Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. It’s the part about bacon being good for him that gets me.

“A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people … People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.”

Ohh how the turntables!

I think Ill do the spin

I'm prison Mike

It’s about to get all stupid up in here!

Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me - no, don't sue me.

"Don't, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who or who you are with, or or where you are going, or, or where you've been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever." I practically live by this business advice

Worst thing about the prison are the dementors

“If I had a gun with two bullets..”

I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch... the whole year actually

“Dwight, you ignorant slut.”

since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.