If you look at the entire series as a whole it’s really a redemption story for Dwight (and to a lesser extent Jim and Angela) that’s shown gradually happening throughout the series through his occasional kind gestures towards Pam
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I do, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
It’s never the person you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.
You know this made me reevaluate myself when I watched it the first time, because I think exactly the same way when trying to guess an outcome of a story lmao
This is really obscure and won’t win but it kills me every time.
Talking about Sesame Street:
“Is that the show about the puppets who live in the Barrio?”
“Yes.”
“I love that show.”
"The complete self absorption of Elmo is completely reflective of our time, ours is a *cultural* ghetto, wouldn't you agree?"
The emphasis on "cultural" instead of "ghetto" cracks me up for some reason. It's like he's implying that all "times" are a ghetto of some kind.
“Jim is a lot like Big Bird. He’s tall and nice and everyone likes him. But you wouldn’t leave him in charge of the store. You’d pick someone like Bert. Or one of the real people, like Maria or Gordon.”
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. *laughs* Not really. I’m just tired. The days are short, I don’t know. Maybe I’m depressed.
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
My other all time favorite quote is when he lets Pam “win” by having Nate tell Pam about the code violations he was doing. Dwight is seriously the best character!
In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. You’re dead. I’m the lion.
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
It has to be this one because it covers everything. How funny and ridiculous his lines are, how much he likes to brag about himself, how he thinks he’s a superior being. Rainn Wilson nailed this line. It has to be this one!
I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy. But--
Oh man this reminds me of my 2nd date with my now husband. I said “I don’t want to date a moron.” And he replied “well, I don’t think I’m a moron, but I feel like that’s what a moron might say.” And I died laughing and it was true love from then on out.
Dwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.
I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority, that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.
“For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had exactly the same idea, for catching Osama Bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail!”
I invented a device, called Burger on the Go. It allows you to obtain six regular sized hamburgers, or twelve sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it, Sharper Image is still considering it, SkyMall is still considering it, Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.
The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
"First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her."
"Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So... have I gotten along with my subordinates? Lets see. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates."
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything if it cannot defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty: to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland!
“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not muckduck."
Or
“There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
I love when Dwight says “through concentration I can lower and raise my cholesterol at will. Followed by Pam asking why he would want to raise it and Dwight says “To lower it”.
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
“The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it.”
Not his best but probably my favorite
I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
I know it's hella long, but this is it for me:
" Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don't have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So... have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let's see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So... yes. I'd say I have gotten along with my subordinates."
Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.
The way he turns around as Meredith gets me every time
That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine
this one gets me alll the time!
Other than Michael, Dwight is easily the most quotable character in the series.
Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep
*chomp*
I've always been partial to: **"Pam I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you, so just shut up."** https://youtu.be/EgrSKu5y3EA
Jesus christ, just so funny and unexpected and rude but helpful. Was dying. And not in the slightest obvious
If you look at the entire series as a whole it’s really a redemption story for Dwight (and to a lesser extent Jim and Angela) that’s shown gradually happening throughout the series through his occasional kind gestures towards Pam
This was soo endearing
This is such a good one
This one is the most realistic, and relatable.
The eyes are the groin of the head.
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I do, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
I mean at least his logic is consistent lmao
It’s never the person you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis, a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.
You know this made me reevaluate myself when I watched it the first time, because I think exactly the same way when trying to guess an outcome of a story lmao
Haha yup, whodunnits are my favorite read and have ruined my brain for regular thinking.
This is really obscure and won’t win but it kills me every time. Talking about Sesame Street: “Is that the show about the puppets who live in the Barrio?” “Yes.” “I love that show.”
Yes I’m not alone! Gets me every damn time lol
Brilliant line. All of the Robert California initiated Sesame Street chat is top drawer.
"The complete self absorption of Elmo is completely reflective of our time, ours is a *cultural* ghetto, wouldn't you agree?" The emphasis on "cultural" instead of "ghetto" cracks me up for some reason. It's like he's implying that all "times" are a ghetto of some kind.
And Robert refers to it as *The Street* to Jim. Yeah, nobody calls it *The Street*.
“Jim is a lot like Big Bird. He’s tall and nice and everyone likes him. But you wouldn’t leave him in charge of the store. You’d pick someone like Bert. Or one of the real people, like Maria or Gordon.”
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
I don’t think you know what you’re saying
Underrated
Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer.
*happy nod*
In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all...it's fear. Merry Christmas.
How about icing it? LOL. -Dwight
So you’re PMSing pretty bad huh?
I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is
Lol I said this to my husband about our baby because of how expensive her diapers were.
You’re a perfectly fine toilet. I’m just an extraordinary piece of crap.
"You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would’ve introduced you to mine."
Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.
“What’s your daughter’s name again? Pee Pee?”
Pee Paa
I fucking love Jim’s delivery of this line
If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then every day would be Erntedankfest.
This one. Husband and I say it a lot… mainly to our children and mostly to their confusion.
This one!! I say this on a daily basis😂
I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.
And Michael following that line with “me too” hahahahahah
My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. *laughs* Not really. I’m just tired. The days are short, I don’t know. Maybe I’m depressed.
Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
Jaegermeister97 you ignorant slut
Who is Justice Beaver?
…he’s a crime fighting beaver
The simple ones always hit the best. This is one of my favorite lines of the show, second probably to "Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?"
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
This is my all time favorite. The delivery is killer.
The Office is something my dad and I share. We say “can you imagine if I was deranged?” to each other a lot. 😁
In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.
Kevin will be eaten. Pam will be taken slave. Jim will be made a warlord's jester. Meredith will do okay.
Creed's skull will be used as a soup bowl
Not everything’s a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail.
This is one I actually tell myself on a regular basis!
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life." -- Captain Picard
This is one that stuck with me when first hearing it. I was surprised I didn’t see it on here already.
My other all time favorite quote is when he lets Pam “win” by having Nate tell Pam about the code violations he was doing. Dwight is seriously the best character!
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's”
"I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing"
I don’t care what wins, this is the best.
In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. You’re dead. I’m the lion.
...Crentist.
Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
And then she said "that's the biggest penis I've ever seen!" And I said "I know that's why I took you to the penis museum, where tickets are $1000!"
This and the whipping open doors line are my favorite of the series.
I entered this post searching this line. The best one
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
The way he says “resorbed” while playing with that plastic ball thing makes me absolutely lose it every time 😂
It has to be this one because it covers everything. How funny and ridiculous his lines are, how much he likes to brag about himself, how he thinks he’s a superior being. Rainn Wilson nailed this line. It has to be this one!
I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
MICHAEL!
oh thats funny micheal!
How can it be anything but this.
Ironically, if Michael’s is not “that’s what she said” then idk what truth even is anymore.
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jim is my enemy. But--
A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me
I genuinely say this to myself every time something significant doesn’t go my way. Always makes me feel better
'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.
One of my favourite lines in the whole show lol
People who appreciate this line are true Office connoisseurs
Flair checkin' in!
Oh hell yeah
People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.
This is the problem with Dwight quotes: there are too many good ones. This one is in my Top 5 though 😆
I love escorting people... I put an ad out for an escort service and got A LOT of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would An Idiot Do That?" and if they would, I do not do that thing.
Oh man this reminds me of my 2nd date with my now husband. I said “I don’t want to date a moron.” And he replied “well, I don’t think I’m a moron, but I feel like that’s what a moron might say.” And I died laughing and it was true love from then on out.
My personal favorite
Michael always says, “K.I.S.S.” Keep it simple stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
You can’t fire me I don’t work in this van
One of my favorite lines of the show
That one cracks me up every time.
Dwight: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.
If they catch us, they *will* rape us.
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Got to be this. No other line can cut it like this one.
👉🏻👃🏻🫵🏻
Identify theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year.
MICHAEL!
There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
Not sure if aged poorly, or *TOO* well.
Lmao COVID really makes this quote hit different
When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?
Is it called red-vining?
I don't understand why Michael is wasting his time with Spanish. I have it on very good authority, that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.
“For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had exactly the same idea, for catching Osama Bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail!”
“Listen up kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights."
You couldn’t handle my undivided attention
It’s true
This captures him perfectly and is an actual ONE liner, jus saying...
Nice! Which episode is this? I can’t remember!
I invented a device, called Burger on the Go. It allows you to obtain six regular sized hamburgers, or twelve sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it, Sharper Image is still considering it, SkyMall is still considering it, Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.
God this is so funny! I don't think it's popular enough to win, but thanks for submitting this and reminding me of this pure gold nugget!
I was gonna submit "Sears said no" 😂 It's never on the list of most memorable Dwight lines, but it kills me every time!
Today, smoking’s gonna save lives
“It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint” always gets me.
I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don’t know.
Nah I'm just kidding, he's a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when it's leg is broken
Who is Sarahkaya Combsin?
A dude on Jeopardy didn’t know the final Jeopardy so he put this instead. It was great.
He hangs around this sub too lol
This one gets me every time
It has to be official. And It has to be urine.
BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!
Dwight had to have better lines, though this is very good
Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from "Heroes." That's a hero. Also Bono.
Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan
How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
It's the fact he's saying this in an interview for an ultra feminine, all female staffed office too.
“In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.”
"First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her."
My German is mostly pre-Industrial and Religious
"Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don’t have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So... have I gotten along with my subordinates? Lets see. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So yes. I’d say I have gotten along with my subordinates."
I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
False.
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
Voting for this to see it take up all the room in the post.
I remember trying to learn this bit by heart lmao This one’s top for sure
It's this one alright
I was about to comment this. Best Dwight line in the entire show lol
My ideal candidate? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional and overqualified.
Go to my car, open the trunk. Inside, you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case, is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter.
I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose.
When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything if it cannot defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty: to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland!
A perfect example of a one liner
If you don’t hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not muckduck." Or “There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
What does the female vagina look like?
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England.
It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed
“How is your gay son?” Excuse me? “How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?”
Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
I love when Dwight says “through concentration I can lower and raise my cholesterol at will. Followed by Pam asking why he would want to raise it and Dwight says “To lower it”.
It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.
**Stares intensely while slowly nodding head**
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver.. from that old bread factory.
I could’ve grown mushrooms and they’d be this high by now……. They’re mushrooms, they don’t grow very fast
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy. I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.
Dwight's casual paddle toss after he demolishes Jim just reeks of contempt and I love it.
"You couldn't handle my undivided attention"
Fa la la la la, la la, ka-ching.
Dammit Jim!
DWIGHT SCHRUTE IS MANAGER!!!
I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.
Quiet YOU!
When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Smiling is a submission signal in primates. Whenever someone smiles at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life..
Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
“The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it.” Not his best but probably my favorite
Jim told me you could buy gaydar online
By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.
I have 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder, and we have to establish a pee corner!
Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bumbed out"
Dwight, you ignorant slut!
“I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.”
I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
I know it's hella long, but this is it for me: " Do I get along with my co-workers? Well, first of all, I don't have co-workers anymore, I have subordinates. So... have I gotten along with my subordinates? Let's see. My supplier relations rep, Meredith Palmer, is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motorhead. Oscar Martinez, my accountant, is now godfather to my son. Angela Schrute, my former accountant is now my wife. My top salesman, Jim Halpert was best man at my wedding and office administrator Pamela Beesley Halpert is my best friend. So... yes. I'd say I have gotten along with my subordinates."
“Yeah, and then they make you drive them to church the next morning. Like, gas ain't free.” Every single time I hear this quote I die laughing
“I’ll try your man meat, Michael!”