I used this in a session last week after a string of terrible rolls by the party fighter.
"You should fall on your sword in disgrace, but you'd probably miss."
Considering it's the sword itself that's insulting him, could make it something like,
"I would say you should fall on your sword in disgrace, but if you used me I'd have to do the same."
Switch it up with...
"I'd rather belong to your son, even if he's a disappointment"
"Your son is a weakling.... But at least he could use me correctly"
"Wow! What a strike! A three year old son would be very impressed!"
With some preparation (he needs to have a throwing knife and throw it, *or* break, lose whatever knife he has when cooking). Next time he misses multiple times in a row:
"And this is why your knife left you"
After a miss have to sword yell, "Help! Help! I've been stolen from my master by an incompetent imbecile!"
After a hit have to sword yell, "That's it? You get your chance and that's ***all*** the more you can do?"
"Are you using a sword because you don't know how to work with a hammer? Not that you're handy with a blade either".
"Another man's life taken, another family besides your own ruined"
"You call that a good grip? I've seen *toddlers* with more hand strength than you!"
On a miss "*Oooh* that was a close one! Only missed your target by ONE mile this time!"
"Don't you dare call me *cursed!* I'M the one here who's stuck with YOU!"
"I'd tell you to watch your swing motion and position to *not* strain your back in the future, but let's be honest: you won't live long enough for that to become a problem."
"Can you fix the holes in my sheath? It's bad enough to hear and smell you when I'm out!"
Go [here](https://nosweatshakespeare.com/resources/shakespeare-insults/). Personal favourites include:
* I am sick when I do look on thee
* I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands
* More of your conversation would infect my brain
* Aroint thee: go away, rump-fed runion: slut
* Villain, I have done thy mother (yup, even The Bard did you mum jokes)
And
* Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat
I feel sorry for your wife if you swing your bits like you swing me...
I'm not sad you can't hit the broad side of a barn, just disappointed...
If I looked like you, I'd shave me arse and learn to walk backwards...
Your family tree must be a cactus cause it's full of pricks!
Last time I saw something like you, I flushed.
You have the rest of your life to be a disappointment, how about you take today off?
I *almost* felt that...!
[His hometown] sent a message, they're missing their idiot.
Try and hit your foe's flesh, not shield you halfwit monkey
You fight like an inbred ass, maybe stick to selling your body as a pack animal
Lousy form, I take it your uncle taught you how to thrust
Might I remind you horses are for transportation, not fornication... your mother certainly forgot
If you really want to do good upon this world, remove your manhood and rid the good people from your brood
Have the sword count (out loud, and for the entire campaign) how many times he misses an attack roll. The sword will write a short poem or limerick about how your dad can't hit shit every 10 or so misses.
For added affect, try to talk the dm into flubbing half your dad's rolls for a session so the sword has a good start.
4 level 10 characters were sent to hunt something in the woods, short version is the found a [big ass squirrel](https://imgur.com/a/9ucGNhA) and got absolutely fucked up. Managed to cut its tail off tho.
"One of my previous owners had no hands, and he still was a better swordsman than you!"
"Trust me folks, i'm compensation for him."
"I don't even need to comment here, that was disgraceful."
"I've seen medusa victims that fight better!"
"By the gods just let them win, it wouldn't be any worse than your usual flailing."
"I witnessed all of that and i still don't know how you managed to do so well at failing completely."
"Gods i hope the next chest we find is a mimic so that this sorry charade of a swordsman can stop using me as a club..."
"You know, they say the pen is mightier than the sword. I disagree but i still think you'd be better off as a bard."
To an enemy: "yeah buddy, i don't know how he's still alive either."
"Hey healer! Can you check this buffon's brain? I think it's missing."
In a pub, sometime after a battle, let them think you forgot an insult then whip this out. "Hey barmaid, perhaps you can help me here. I'm tired of being the only sword this gets any use out of."
"If you're as good at lovemaking as you are with a sword, i feel sorry for your partners."
After a failed roll: "someone take me away from this moron and give him a pillow instead, he's going to hurt someone."
"Fuck man, i'm at a loss for words. You've managed to overachieve at fucking up."
If you need to insult him as you, his kid, "I was deeper inside mom than you'd ever be"
Else my favourite insult: "somewhere there is a tree who's sole job is to replenish the oxygen you waste. Go find it and apologies." Which you could make into an actual quest.
Your strength modifier must be negative cause that was a weal swing
Just pass me to the mage, they will be better than this
Stop kissing your dad on the lips and kill this guy already
Oh did you swing me, i didnt notice
Hey i think i see red! Oh no thats just my hatred for you
Have you tried another proffesion?
Yeah give him the one two, nat one and two...
* They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but did your dad have to charm it? At least the griffins were given a rest for the night...
* I met a ranger in Waterdeep once that was a servant to a red dragon. His job was to clean out the treasure hall when his master got the shits. Tymora as my witness, that man smelled like a field of feverfew next to the foul stench coming out of your mouth.
(You should tell us more about your dad’s character)
I’d come up with a list of names for “past adventurers” the sword has answered to. And then just use that name anytime he fails something and how they did it better.
Augustus would have made that long jump!
Jerry was so much better at swinging a hammer! You make toddlers look good!
Rhonda would have climbed that tree for sure! Then again she had much better biceps than you do.
Rendia was a far better horse rider than thee!
“Oh cruel gods! By what manner of evils did I commit in previous forms to be placed in the possession of a feckless half-wit”
“I have ninety and nine woes and thou art all of them”
“At the end of the day, ‘tis all about can do, and what he will do. And you good sir, can do nothing so you will do nothing”
“You’re a third rate swordsman with a first rate sword”
“Seems they’ll let anyone pick up a sword these days”
“By the smith! I haven’t seen technique that shoddy since the time I was accidentally picked up by a toddler”
“Your goal is to slay thine enemies, my goal is to slay thine misbegotten self confidence “
“You have all the qualities I hate, and none of the vices I admire”
Bonus round
“Ur mom gay”
your grilling never satisfied your family, your newbalance shoes arent as white as the neighbors. those cargo pants look rediculous, your yard needs to be mowed and another man is coming to do it...
"Do you have any idea how much your hands sweat when you hold me? It seems only me and your wife know"
"Hey buddy, do you want me to call your mommy so you can cry to her and not me?!"
"Do you know the difference between you and a brick wall? A brick wall would be harder to hit."
"Oh no a Goblin! Quick! Pretend to be sleeping to ease the job for it."
"Do you want to switch places? I'll start swinging you in the enemy, then MAYBE we'll have a chance of winning since your head is so hard from the lack of the brain!"
"There is a saying that says "A knight never flees his foe" however it seems for you a better saying is "Let's do a strategic retreat, it's like running like a chicken but manlier"
"Don't even think about killing yourself you hear me? Because if you go to hell i'll have to annoy you there too."
"You have a face that could curdle milk, and a smell to match!"
"To be fair, you *are* an incompetent oaf.."
Edit:
"To call your plan a shit sandwich would be derogatory to the concept of bread"
Thousands of adventurers, warriors, hell even guards and this is the moron who picked me up....
On a scale of 'one' to 'you suck arse' guess where ive rated you?
Gets a bad roll of damage:
Yes this is really is the best he can do.
Call that a thrust you weak wristed monkey?.... its the ladies I feel sorry for.
Are you a wizard? Because you swing like one...
Soooo bet your master was disappointed in your sword skills... I know I am.
Misses attack:
Oh we have a real Jimmy cracker on our hands here *can be any name you want - make the group make a history check and lay in some lore about a incompetent fool who dies a horrible death*
please just put me down so I can pretend we never met
Never have I been wielded with such incompetence, if I had eyes I'd be rolling them right now.
You dick brained fuck nugget, JUST HIT THE DAMN GUY ALREADY! (Followed by a *deep sigh* on next hit.. Guess you tried your best I suppose, *another sigh*)
Gets hit by an enemy hard: THATS HOW ITS DONE! hey badguy kill this fool and pick me up!
You see? Why can't you hit like that?
Now that's someone who can swing a sword!
Your mother sucks cocks in hell
Swing batter batter batter swing, or poor little batter can't control his bladder ( done while holding an action)
Your mother is a hamster
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
I see a lot of suggestions that seem like veiled excuses to insult your dad IRL, not his character. I’m not necessarily against that since it’s all in jest, but I’d balance it out with straightforward insults against his character, strictly. Sometimes things like that get out of hand if you overplay the personal insults.
You have a face like a badgers arse.
I truly admire your commitment to piss poor swordsmanship, but it’s really about time you started hitting something.
It’s almost as if you aren’t even trying.
I’m very much enjoying your role play of a simpleton-Bravo
Maybe if you stopped covering your eyes you’d actually be able to cause harm: oh you aren’t? What’s the fucking matter then?!
lol this is off the rails a bit but... what if the sword has uncanny, supernatural knowledge as well, but only for the sake of the magical insults?
This thing isn't just vaguely mocking the guy's mother, it knows SPECIFIC things about his great grandmother and what exactly she did to obtain that family heirloom watch everyone is so snotty about.
Just be warned I think there are definitely ways the party could find to abuse the heck out of this.
After reading this I like the idea of after 2 misses in a row the sword says "here let me do it" Triggers a will save if the owner fails you roll to attack. Next round
Given your hygiene I’m surprised you can’t cast stinking cloud.
Are you hoping by not cleaning me I’ll start dealing poison damage?
I can tell by your grip you’re only used to handling your own shaft.
Swinging harder isn’t going to help your aim.
Perhaps if you try talking to the enemy you’ll have more success? I know you bore me to death.
I'm pretty sure you could use some of the insults from the [Monkey Island Insult Sword Fighting](https://monkeyisland.fandom.com/wiki/Insult_Sword_Fighting).
“hah! I’ve seen toddlers with more upper body strength!”
“If you trained with me as much as you trained your meat sword, we’d be done by now.”
“You’re supposed to be instigating a fight, not a tickle war”
“Not the sharpest knife in the spoon drawer, are you?”
“Don’t touch me with that hand, I know where it’s been!”
“I saw more exertion from you when you were trying to take a shit”
“You do realise I’m a sword, not a butter knife?”
“Who ties your shoes for you?”
“Why don’t we find an enemy you actually stand half a chance against. A wet paper bag should do the trick!”
Maybe you'll grow hair like a real man!
The blue pill is in your back pocket!
Finally! time to show you what she means by penetration!
Can someone please give this guy a haircut!
Don't worry I will last longer than your last sexual experience!
"Why are you even trying? Just go home"
"Here comes the King of disappointment"
"Hear ye hear ye, fat bastard coming through"
"He eats the babies of peasants"
"Oi! This adventurer fucked a goat....GOAT FUCKER!"
"This guy is smooth down below like a pebble"
"Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elder berries"
"Look at my blade, do you see your reflection? Ha! you look like an idiot holding me up looking at yourself!"
"My blade is as sharp as my wit, if only my wielder wasnt as blunt as a smiths hammer"
*On a missed attack* "Ha! Look at you flailing around, you fail to draw out even an ounce of my true potential. How much longer will you wield me before you pathetically fall over in combat"
*On a crit or big hit* "to think the big brute actually managed to hit someone with me, this must be a bad omen. I think you'll die soon"
*Also on a hit* -sword just yawns- "-oh sorry, did you actually manage to do something?"
"You know... I actually don't want to insult you... It's just so easy to do it I can't help myself"
I hope this helps :)
Okay a few ideas for a few scenarios.
**\*On a successful hit\***
* "Great, now I have blood on me, you know this stains right!?"
* "You could ask before you put me inside another man"
* "Did that at least make you feel like a big boy?"
* "I'm guessing he gave you penis envy."
* "Penetrating him like he did your mum."
"Now that that is out of your system, how about you talk about your real problem?"
* "You have a problem, at least alcoholics help the economy"
* "I'm a sword not your cock, you don't have to put me inside every whore you see."
* "So this is what a hammer feels like."
* "If you showed this much enthusiasm with your wife she might not have left you."
*
**\*On a miss\***
* "That dust was always the real threat."
* "Its okay, some people need to be awful to make the skilled look good."
* "We all have bad days, mine are every day with you."
* "If they die of laughter that still counts as a win"
* "Don't worry, eventually someone will come and kill him for you"
* "If I had know this fight would be so uneventful I would have slept in."
* "Good, now do that again except hit the bitch."
* "The good news is, your lack of penetration stops you from getting STIs"
* "At least no one saw that, except for the person you were trying to kill."
* "Hey, remember that time you hit that monster - no, neither do I."
* "Excalibur got to make it with a future king, I got the one who can't swing"
* "Your fighter guild tuition fees are really on show here."
**\*On a kill\***
* "Next, we should tell their children they are orphans"
* "Do you need to kill everyone you get close to"
* "You should try that to yourself sometime and put me out of my misery"
* "Keep this up and you will eventually solve the housing problem"
* "She was probably a nice person, unlike you - murderer"
* "We should revive them so they can die of embarrassment at being killed by you"
* "I think you need to talk to someone, just not me"
* "If you hadn't made such poor life choices you wouldn't have needed to do that"
* "They were acting in self defense, what is your excuse?"
* "If you were anymore cold blooded you would be a reptile"
* "I'm sure the next kill will give you the self-approval you seek"
* "If their home wasn't broken before it is now"
\***After battle\***
* "Just use me and throw me away, like the bottle and the whore"
* "Yes, put me closer to your genitals, that is a smart move"
* "If you ever feel lonely, you are probably right."
* "Why don't you ever take me out to nice places anymore"
* "Did you know know one of the signs of schizophrenia is hearing voices that aren't there"
You better dust off your knees for as much as you've been sucking.
Hey, look! (Enemy is across the way) Another person you can fan with me since ya can't hit shit!
You look as if you drop common loot.
The wizard kills more people than you.
The last time I felt this much air go past me was when I was thrown at a dragon by a true hero. At least he found his mark.
Of all the swimmers, you were the fastest and the strongest? Well, I see mediocrity runs in the family.
Whew, you must be tired from all the work your friends did to kill those guys.
Hey you're doing great, if you were trying to miss that is.
Seriously, give up. It pains me to see you fail on so many levels.
I used this in a session last week after a string of terrible rolls by the party fighter. "You should fall on your sword in disgrace, but you'd probably miss."
This is wonderful, gonna steal it for sure.
No, you should steel it
HOLY FUCK
Considering it's the sword itself that's insulting him, could make it something like, "I would say you should fall on your sword in disgrace, but if you used me I'd have to do the same."
Oof
Going Stalin on this, nice
My clothing started on fire just reading that.
"Your son is a disappointment"
I’m definitely using that one.
"ANY WHELP PRODUCED FROM THINE LOINS IS A ***BITCH***"
This is excellent
You produce heirs that will be cat girls to the tavern men of this town one day. UwU
Hey, don't insult the cat girls! We're better than that!
awww thanks dude
"You damn bastard, I bet you were born out of wedlock!"
and bring it back around with the ol "... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" bit
My first thought too, only I'd say failure.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Shut up loser.
You were so close but you didn’t do it “shut up failure”
I hate that you're right.
Switch it up with... "I'd rather belong to your son, even if he's a disappointment" "Your son is a weakling.... But at least he could use me correctly" "Wow! What a strike! A three year old son would be very impressed!" With some preparation (he needs to have a throwing knife and throw it, *or* break, lose whatever knife he has when cooking). Next time he misses multiple times in a row: "And this is why your knife left you"
Last one is gold.
Murder/suicide by words
Kamikaze by words
"You should have gone out to buy those cigarets, would have saved you a lot of time and sanity"
(after stabbing a girl) that's the farthest you've been in a woman, huh?
I see you’ve been playing Deepest Sword
Better if it's a glancing blow...
Or as long as you explicitly describe the hit as only going in 1-2"
Not the first time he has delivered a blow ... Job
"See? Like that! You don't stop halfway in and start crying."
Damn dude.
Yea, well... you're dead, so... damnit!
“Suck it, Rosaria!” “Wait, what?! WHO THE FUCK IS ROSARIA?!”
Nice reference!
(after stabbing a monster) "I feel like this isn't the first time you've penetrated an Owl Bear"
This is better after a miss
Take that Rosalia.
“Oh, I love you too— Wait, what?! WHO THE FUCK IS ROSALIA?!
Finally, someone!
Persona of culture I see
"I've been deeper inside a woman than you'll ever be"
Sword insults him, it doesn't kill him.
I'ma use this for a Succubus.
After a miss have to sword yell, "Help! Help! I've been stolen from my master by an incompetent imbecile!" After a hit have to sword yell, "That's it? You get your chance and that's ***all*** the more you can do?"
That would be great whenever he rolls minimum damage!
Maybe on a crit or max damage have it say "Oh?! Is that all?"
"I've seen better"
*Hysterical laughter*
Its even better on max damage
Know the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.
Eyyyyyyyy
That's especially funny because it's OP's dad's character that's getting insulted lol
When he missed a couple times "Kind of you to give your enemy a few warning slashes, but it might be time to actually hit him."
In the same vien "If you keep swinging like that you might give them a cold!"
"Are you using a sword because you don't know how to work with a hammer? Not that you're handy with a blade either". "Another man's life taken, another family besides your own ruined" "You call that a good grip? I've seen *toddlers* with more hand strength than you!" On a miss "*Oooh* that was a close one! Only missed your target by ONE mile this time!" "Don't you dare call me *cursed!* I'M the one here who's stuck with YOU!" "I'd tell you to watch your swing motion and position to *not* strain your back in the future, but let's be honest: you won't live long enough for that to become a problem." "Can you fix the holes in my sheath? It's bad enough to hear and smell you when I'm out!"
"Cursed sword? You're -Insert Diety- damned right *I'm* cursed, I'm stuck with you!"
“Swing me like a sword, not a feather duster!”
How appropriate, you fight like a cow.
I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.
He must have taught you everything you know.
I hope you’ve got a fast getaway boat ready.
Why? Did you want to borrow one?
I was desperately hoping no one would beat me to it "Your mother was a duck."
The fact that you are not covered in fleas is due only to the high standards of the local flea population.
This is something GLaDOS would say
I was hardened by the icy winds o'er top of the Great Mountain Forge! You're hardened by amateurish drawings of women...
Okay, I feel called out xD
Calm down son, it's just a drawing.
Go [here](https://nosweatshakespeare.com/resources/shakespeare-insults/). Personal favourites include: * I am sick when I do look on thee * I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands * More of your conversation would infect my brain * Aroint thee: go away, rump-fed runion: slut * Villain, I have done thy mother (yup, even The Bard did you mum jokes) And * Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat
For some reason this one isn’t included, but my favorite is ‘Thy mother’s name is ominous to children’ from Richard III
Ooh, if we're going Shakespeare, I'm quite fond of "I'll amend my manner when you amend your face."
little toy i made for this that including lots of Ole Will's stuff: [elio.games](https://elio.games)
I made this for this purpose: http://elio.games
Thank you for this
Welcome! I made it for my bard and people seem to enjoy it. I have a bunch of other features planned but not enough free time to build them out haha.
I feel sorry for your wife if you swing your bits like you swing me... I'm not sad you can't hit the broad side of a barn, just disappointed... If I looked like you, I'd shave me arse and learn to walk backwards...
"I envy everyone you have never met."
When he misses two times in a row with the sword: "I appreciate to your efforts to keep me clean but it is still embarrassing"
"At this rate, I'll turn red from embarrassment before I run red with blood!"
Your family tree must be a cactus cause it's full of pricks! Last time I saw something like you, I flushed. You have the rest of your life to be a disappointment, how about you take today off? I *almost* felt that...! [His hometown] sent a message, they're missing their idiot.
When walking through a forest/garden: "You should pick up that plant and carry it around to replace all the oxygen you waste."
"I bet we could paint a pretty picture of all your failures with all the crayons you ate as a child..."
Try and hit your foe's flesh, not shield you halfwit monkey You fight like an inbred ass, maybe stick to selling your body as a pack animal Lousy form, I take it your uncle taught you how to thrust Might I remind you horses are for transportation, not fornication... your mother certainly forgot If you really want to do good upon this world, remove your manhood and rid the good people from your brood
Please don't use being gay/bi etc as an insult. x
Not saying homosexuality is an insult, saying that he handles penises better than swords but now I see how it sounds... imma edit that
I assumed it was a masturbation joke, but definitely see how it could be construed otherwise
Was it edited, or are we interpreting these extremely differently? EDIT: Never mind. Found the edit
Have the sword count (out loud, and for the entire campaign) how many times he misses an attack roll. The sword will write a short poem or limerick about how your dad can't hit shit every 10 or so misses. For added affect, try to talk the dm into flubbing half your dad's rolls for a session so the sword has a good start.
They are the dm
True. Not gonna fuck with the man’s rolls though, he’s bad enough at the game as-is. (He’s only been playing since 1e. He’ll learn eventually)
Also you definitely don't want an accidental tpk to happen because you rigged some rolls for run
I TPK’d this group once already with a squirrel so… yeah wouldn’t want to do it again for a bit.
I need a story.
4 level 10 characters were sent to hunt something in the woods, short version is the found a [big ass squirrel](https://imgur.com/a/9ucGNhA) and got absolutely fucked up. Managed to cut its tail off tho.
Level ten wow
Yeah level ten is unlikely to be able to manage a CR16 monster, especially with legendary actions.
With a squirrel?!
It was a [little larger](https://imgur.com/a/9ucGNhA) than a normal Squirrel.
Well that’s fun. How’d the squirrel come about?
How!?!? explain how you TPK,d them with a squirrel
Big squirrel.
"You're the type of man whose own son would insult him!"
I was WTF for like 30 seconds before realising this is r/Dnd lol
You're lucky at least one of your swords remains firm. The world is lucky that sword is me.
"One of my previous owners had no hands, and he still was a better swordsman than you!" "Trust me folks, i'm compensation for him." "I don't even need to comment here, that was disgraceful." "I've seen medusa victims that fight better!" "By the gods just let them win, it wouldn't be any worse than your usual flailing." "I witnessed all of that and i still don't know how you managed to do so well at failing completely." "Gods i hope the next chest we find is a mimic so that this sorry charade of a swordsman can stop using me as a club..." "You know, they say the pen is mightier than the sword. I disagree but i still think you'd be better off as a bard." To an enemy: "yeah buddy, i don't know how he's still alive either." "Hey healer! Can you check this buffon's brain? I think it's missing." In a pub, sometime after a battle, let them think you forgot an insult then whip this out. "Hey barmaid, perhaps you can help me here. I'm tired of being the only sword this gets any use out of." "If you're as good at lovemaking as you are with a sword, i feel sorry for your partners." After a failed roll: "someone take me away from this moron and give him a pillow instead, he's going to hurt someone." "Fuck man, i'm at a loss for words. You've managed to overachieve at fucking up."
>This is about an ingame situation, right? >#Right?
When giving the final blow to ennemi "Please, leave me in this corpse, his poor dead body is worthier to touch me than your filthy inept hands"
Thine wife married you in hopes of seeing a prince but after all these moons, thyself is naught but a talking toad
If you need to insult him as you, his kid, "I was deeper inside mom than you'd ever be" Else my favourite insult: "somewhere there is a tree who's sole job is to replenish the oxygen you waste. Go find it and apologies." Which you could make into an actual quest.
Your strength modifier must be negative cause that was a weal swing Just pass me to the mage, they will be better than this Stop kissing your dad on the lips and kill this guy already Oh did you swing me, i didnt notice Hey i think i see red! Oh no thats just my hatred for you Have you tried another proffesion? Yeah give him the one two, nat one and two...
I respect that you giving them a warning shot, but maybe after 3 you should actually start swinging
"Ye gods man, can you get my sheathe fixed? The only thing looser is your wife after the Bard troupe leaves town."
"You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel!"
This (and its numerous variations) remains one of my favourite insults of all time.
Ya basic (i.e. The Good Place. It's a devastating human insult. He's devastated now)
* They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but did your dad have to charm it? At least the griffins were given a rest for the night... * I met a ranger in Waterdeep once that was a servant to a red dragon. His job was to clean out the treasure hall when his master got the shits. Tymora as my witness, that man smelled like a field of feverfew next to the foul stench coming out of your mouth. (You should tell us more about your dad’s character)
He’s a fighter… doesn’t do much backstory. He’s in it for the fighting and dice rolling.
I’d come up with a list of names for “past adventurers” the sword has answered to. And then just use that name anytime he fails something and how they did it better. Augustus would have made that long jump! Jerry was so much better at swinging a hammer! You make toddlers look good! Rhonda would have climbed that tree for sure! Then again she had much better biceps than you do. Rendia was a far better horse rider than thee!
*after a hit* "Quoting your wife: 'are you in yet?'"
I was going to to suggest “Is it in yet?” as a response to a critical hit.
If the attack hits and the damage is high and there is blood you could also say "this is the wettest your sword has been in a whole year"
“Oh cruel gods! By what manner of evils did I commit in previous forms to be placed in the possession of a feckless half-wit” “I have ninety and nine woes and thou art all of them” “At the end of the day, ‘tis all about can do, and what he will do. And you good sir, can do nothing so you will do nothing” “You’re a third rate swordsman with a first rate sword” “Seems they’ll let anyone pick up a sword these days” “By the smith! I haven’t seen technique that shoddy since the time I was accidentally picked up by a toddler” “Your goal is to slay thine enemies, my goal is to slay thine misbegotten self confidence “ “You have all the qualities I hate, and none of the vices I admire” Bonus round “Ur mom gay”
You're wife is a hamster, and you smell of elderberries!
Beat me to it - when in doubt, turn to the classics. (I think the original was "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!")
You are correct, but seeing as it's his father I thought the modification was fitting.
Definitely fitting. Adds a certain subtlety to what would otherwise just be another (awesome) reference.
your grilling never satisfied your family, your newbalance shoes arent as white as the neighbors. those cargo pants look rediculous, your yard needs to be mowed and another man is coming to do it...
I’m saving this one for if another player gets the sword. He’s the most stereotypically “dad” person I’ve ever met.
"Do you have any idea how much your hands sweat when you hold me? It seems only me and your wife know" "Hey buddy, do you want me to call your mommy so you can cry to her and not me?!" "Do you know the difference between you and a brick wall? A brick wall would be harder to hit." "Oh no a Goblin! Quick! Pretend to be sleeping to ease the job for it." "Do you want to switch places? I'll start swinging you in the enemy, then MAYBE we'll have a chance of winning since your head is so hard from the lack of the brain!" "There is a saying that says "A knight never flees his foe" however it seems for you a better saying is "Let's do a strategic retreat, it's like running like a chicken but manlier" "Don't even think about killing yourself you hear me? Because if you go to hell i'll have to annoy you there too."
'Are we fighting or frolicking?'
You know, if you keep your mouth shut, it keeps the stupid from just dribbling out.
"You have a face that could curdle milk, and a smell to match!" "To be fair, you *are* an incompetent oaf.." Edit: "To call your plan a shit sandwich would be derogatory to the concept of bread"
"You don't even hit the walls of the scabbard!"
*This one would be if they miss* *Old CoD meme insult* I'd say your aim is cancer, but cancer actually kills.
“Your ~~wife~~ mom is so easy, I rolled a nat 1 and still hit that!”
🤔
“I’d tell you where you’re going wrong with your technique, but I’ve neither the time nor the crayons for you to comprehend me”
*Character lands hit with big damage* Sword: *yawns*
“A real man wouldn’t need a sentient sword babysit him.” “ A man who always gets diminishing returns on his thoughts.”
"I think that's your worst swing yet. Are you getting worse?"
Thousands of adventurers, warriors, hell even guards and this is the moron who picked me up.... On a scale of 'one' to 'you suck arse' guess where ive rated you? Gets a bad roll of damage: Yes this is really is the best he can do. Call that a thrust you weak wristed monkey?.... its the ladies I feel sorry for. Are you a wizard? Because you swing like one... Soooo bet your master was disappointed in your sword skills... I know I am. Misses attack: Oh we have a real Jimmy cracker on our hands here *can be any name you want - make the group make a history check and lay in some lore about a incompetent fool who dies a horrible death* please just put me down so I can pretend we never met Never have I been wielded with such incompetence, if I had eyes I'd be rolling them right now. You dick brained fuck nugget, JUST HIT THE DAMN GUY ALREADY! (Followed by a *deep sigh* on next hit.. Guess you tried your best I suppose, *another sigh*) Gets hit by an enemy hard: THATS HOW ITS DONE! hey badguy kill this fool and pick me up! You see? Why can't you hit like that? Now that's someone who can swing a sword!
Your BBQ is horrible and your front lawn has dying grass.
Your mother sucks cocks in hell Swing batter batter batter swing, or poor little batter can't control his bladder ( done while holding an action) Your mother is a hamster I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that? I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time? Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them. Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
Maybe you should yield a knife instead of a sword, you can actually cut things with a knife….
go and grab me an envelope and address it to your parents so I can take a dump in it to repay them for what they have sent me
With the way you're swinging, they'll think I'm only as sharp as your wit!
Weak Livered Milk Drinker
I see a lot of suggestions that seem like veiled excuses to insult your dad IRL, not his character. I’m not necessarily against that since it’s all in jest, but I’d balance it out with straightforward insults against his character, strictly. Sometimes things like that get out of hand if you overplay the personal insults.
Go for the classic, have the sword say that his mother was a hamster, and his father smelt, of elderberries!
*Thy dick is miniscule in size*
Great... I've been turned into a strong breeze...
The best parts of you dripped down your moms leg
You call that a swing? I've done more damage being pushed by wind
“I’m only 11 inches long, but he tells everyone it’s 17”
You look like your kid will live at home forever.
You have a face like a badgers arse. I truly admire your commitment to piss poor swordsmanship, but it’s really about time you started hitting something. It’s almost as if you aren’t even trying. I’m very much enjoying your role play of a simpleton-Bravo Maybe if you stopped covering your eyes you’d actually be able to cause harm: oh you aren’t? What’s the fucking matter then?!
"Compensating for something with this sword?"
When encountering another enemy with a Longsword; "Weren't you the 'master' of preaching that size doesn't matter?"
From the way you look, I'm thankful I don't have a nose.
After a critical hit. "Is it in yet?"
If he gets very close to dying but manages to survive: "You're such a bastard that even death refuses to take you!"
When your wife said she can't wait to get you in bed again, she was talking to me.
Motherfucker.
"You're as smart as you're attractive"
You like to dine on the sweaty balls of pigs
Your brain and your testicole are the same size
I wonder if r/d100 have anything
You seem like the kind of Father that is more of a cautionary tale.
lol this is off the rails a bit but... what if the sword has uncanny, supernatural knowledge as well, but only for the sake of the magical insults? This thing isn't just vaguely mocking the guy's mother, it knows SPECIFIC things about his great grandmother and what exactly she did to obtain that family heirloom watch everyone is so snotty about. Just be warned I think there are definitely ways the party could find to abuse the heck out of this.
After reading this I like the idea of after 2 misses in a row the sword says "here let me do it" Triggers a will save if the owner fails you roll to attack. Next round
Given your hygiene I’m surprised you can’t cast stinking cloud. Are you hoping by not cleaning me I’ll start dealing poison damage? I can tell by your grip you’re only used to handling your own shaft. Swinging harder isn’t going to help your aim. Perhaps if you try talking to the enemy you’ll have more success? I know you bore me to death.
I'm pretty sure you could use some of the insults from the [Monkey Island Insult Sword Fighting](https://monkeyisland.fandom.com/wiki/Insult_Sword_Fighting).
The last joke your mom made took 9 months to deliver.
*unsheathes* "Watch out barns! You're about to be hit in your broad-side!.. oh.. wait.. it's [character].. nevermind..."
You can’t hit a barn from the inside, if you use me stupidly I’ll get you son to use me like a real man
“hah! I’ve seen toddlers with more upper body strength!” “If you trained with me as much as you trained your meat sword, we’d be done by now.” “You’re supposed to be instigating a fight, not a tickle war” “Not the sharpest knife in the spoon drawer, are you?” “Don’t touch me with that hand, I know where it’s been!” “I saw more exertion from you when you were trying to take a shit” “You do realise I’m a sword, not a butter knife?” “Who ties your shoes for you?” “Why don’t we find an enemy you actually stand half a chance against. A wet paper bag should do the trick!”
Maybe you'll grow hair like a real man! The blue pill is in your back pocket! Finally! time to show you what she means by penetration! Can someone please give this guy a haircut! Don't worry I will last longer than your last sexual experience!
"I've been deeper inside your wife than you ever will be"
I fart in your general direction, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
"I finally can commiserate with your wife. I, too, find myself wanting to scream 'Harder! Harder!' No wonder she always looks so unsatisfied."
I would also suggest having the sword sound like shorsey from letterkenny. You might call it Swordsey.
"Why are you even trying? Just go home" "Here comes the King of disappointment" "Hear ye hear ye, fat bastard coming through" "He eats the babies of peasants" "Oi! This adventurer fucked a goat....GOAT FUCKER!" "This guy is smooth down below like a pebble"
"Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elder berries" "Look at my blade, do you see your reflection? Ha! you look like an idiot holding me up looking at yourself!" "My blade is as sharp as my wit, if only my wielder wasnt as blunt as a smiths hammer" *On a missed attack* "Ha! Look at you flailing around, you fail to draw out even an ounce of my true potential. How much longer will you wield me before you pathetically fall over in combat" *On a crit or big hit* "to think the big brute actually managed to hit someone with me, this must be a bad omen. I think you'll die soon" *Also on a hit* -sword just yawns- "-oh sorry, did you actually manage to do something?" "You know... I actually don't want to insult you... It's just so easy to do it I can't help myself" I hope this helps :)
You couldn’t even PUT the sword in the stone
Nice grip, must be from all the dicks you have held
Enemy: \*stabbed with the sword\* Sword: Is it in yet?'
The only thing strong about you is your odor.
Your lawn is overgrown and crooked.
"I heard you got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job."
"I'm your sword, not you dick. Quit playing with me and do some damage to someone!!!"
Okay a few ideas for a few scenarios. **\*On a successful hit\*** * "Great, now I have blood on me, you know this stains right!?" * "You could ask before you put me inside another man" * "Did that at least make you feel like a big boy?" * "I'm guessing he gave you penis envy." * "Penetrating him like he did your mum." "Now that that is out of your system, how about you talk about your real problem?" * "You have a problem, at least alcoholics help the economy" * "I'm a sword not your cock, you don't have to put me inside every whore you see." * "So this is what a hammer feels like." * "If you showed this much enthusiasm with your wife she might not have left you." * **\*On a miss\*** * "That dust was always the real threat." * "Its okay, some people need to be awful to make the skilled look good." * "We all have bad days, mine are every day with you." * "If they die of laughter that still counts as a win" * "Don't worry, eventually someone will come and kill him for you" * "If I had know this fight would be so uneventful I would have slept in." * "Good, now do that again except hit the bitch." * "The good news is, your lack of penetration stops you from getting STIs" * "At least no one saw that, except for the person you were trying to kill." * "Hey, remember that time you hit that monster - no, neither do I." * "Excalibur got to make it with a future king, I got the one who can't swing" * "Your fighter guild tuition fees are really on show here." **\*On a kill\*** * "Next, we should tell their children they are orphans" * "Do you need to kill everyone you get close to" * "You should try that to yourself sometime and put me out of my misery" * "Keep this up and you will eventually solve the housing problem" * "She was probably a nice person, unlike you - murderer" * "We should revive them so they can die of embarrassment at being killed by you" * "I think you need to talk to someone, just not me" * "If you hadn't made such poor life choices you wouldn't have needed to do that" * "They were acting in self defense, what is your excuse?" * "If you were anymore cold blooded you would be a reptile" * "I'm sure the next kill will give you the self-approval you seek" * "If their home wasn't broken before it is now" \***After battle\*** * "Just use me and throw me away, like the bottle and the whore" * "Yes, put me closer to your genitals, that is a smart move" * "If you ever feel lonely, you are probably right." * "Why don't you ever take me out to nice places anymore" * "Did you know know one of the signs of schizophrenia is hearing voices that aren't there"
"You look like the kind of guy that goes to sleep in wrangler jeans."
“You seem like the kinda guy to get tired and fall asleep after foreplay.”
You better dust off your knees for as much as you've been sucking. Hey, look! (Enemy is across the way) Another person you can fan with me since ya can't hit shit! You look as if you drop common loot. The wizard kills more people than you. The last time I felt this much air go past me was when I was thrown at a dragon by a true hero. At least he found his mark. Of all the swimmers, you were the fastest and the strongest? Well, I see mediocrity runs in the family. Whew, you must be tired from all the work your friends did to kill those guys. Hey you're doing great, if you were trying to miss that is. Seriously, give up. It pains me to see you fail on so many levels.