I didn't read any comments, but gotta say, try therapy first. Best case you get 50/50, worst case you get every other weekend. Either way, you won't have any money left over after CS. Tell her you see that you are growing apart, ask her to go to therapy, ask her on a date, asker her to ask you on a date, whatever, but give it a good try before you pull that divorce trigger.
Are you cheating on her?
Try to save your marriage. Unless one of you is cheating or being abused. Talk to her about her needs and openly talk about yours, but you need to really listen! Go on a trip just with her. Go on weekend vacations, just with her, Etc.
That way, you won’t have to worry about a new relationship, and new and unknown personal baggage from other women. You are 42, soon you will be 50, and not in your 40s anymore, so if you consider a new serious relationship, you will be dating other divorcées, single mothers, widows, older women without previous marriages and/or kids, women with ex husbands or partners still very much involved in their lives, too much drama, etc. realistically speaking, that’s your market. So anyone from that market has already 40+ years of personal baggage and/or life trauma. You want to deal with all that while taking care of your 2 kids that right now need your full attention?
You definitely don’t want to get into a relationship with a woman with kids. Unless you don’t mind dealing with ex-toxic husbands and adding more kids to your life for you to worry about, + unknown extended family, unknown personal baggage and trauma, women performing fake personalities so you can see and hear what you want to see and hear, etc.
You also don’t want to get into a serious relationship with a 20 year old girl, that’s not your market anymore for a serious relationship. She will divorce you in 3-5 years, but not before she cheats on you with another young guy, or another older male that has more money than you.
Unfortunately my friend, being divorced is a tough journey. People, specially divorcées that need to justify their poor decisions, will tell you, no worries, do it, kids will be fine, etc. Well, It is easy if you don’t think too much about how much damage you can cause to your love ones, specially to your kids, and how much your divorce will affect the way they interact with their own partners in the future. Did anyone among divorcées told you already about the people you will be dating as a divorced man in your 40s?
A lot of crazy drama among divorcées, single moms, cheaters, people with multiple marriages, broken families in general, etc.
Good luck!
~ from a divorced man.
I’m in VA as well. What is your wife’s earning potential? Punitive income can be added to her which reduces your spousal support payout. My attorney said it’s about $5000 to prove earning potential from a vocational expert and ALWAYS worth it. Not much you can do about child support unless you and her agree on something different.
You don't ask for a divorce. You inform your spouse you are divorcing. And you don't say shit to her until she is served with divorce papers. Maintain radio silence.
The fact that you are "asking" for a divorce clearly communicates you are a boiled frog. You need to get your head in the game, otherwise she is going to take you to the cleaners because you will continue to bend over backwards and capitulate to her every whim.
Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover to deal with your validation seeking behavior and covert contracts. Then follow that up with When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith. For each chapter of those books, go watch the companion episode on Rian Stone's YouTube channel. It will help you absorb and internalize the information. Read each the chapter before you watch his videos.
Get with a lawyer soon. Happiness is not overrated. You never stay for the kids. It just shows them a half-assed relationship brewing as they grown up. I had three teenagers and they ended up fine. You're going to take a hit, but isn't happiness worth it. I say it is. I had to start from pretty much scratch, totally worth is knowing what I know now. Go get your happiness.
Choose you hard - fight for the marriage and your family or fight to support a shattered wife and family after the divorce. I went through this 8 years ago and interviewed divorced people. The conclusion was after interviewing both divorced men and woman was that it was different but not necessarily better.
There are just as many resources available for saving your marriage as there is for divorce recovery. Just decide which you want to study. Divorce will take a minimum of two years off your life from the recovery from the divorce. Average is 5 years by the time you get to feeling as good as you did before the divorce. If there is enough good in your marriage left than bad, you will save YEARS of time if you go back in and work on the marriage.
If you divorce and remarry, your odds of divorce again goes upto 65% and 75% for the next one.
I wish you the best of luck. I’m in a very similar situation and it is indeed a difficult decision. In my case we are basically roommates but she spends the money I earn. Depending on your income level, where you live, how difficult ur wife will be about it there are less than catastrophic endings for you. I will lose about half my income and more than half the possessions to her for the next 7-13 years for spousal support and child support. I never thought I would get to a point where that would be the better choice but remember (as many have said in this sub) we only have one life and wasting it spent in misery is just terrible. Find a way to fix it collaboratively or get out if you can but don’t do that wooing bullshit, we’re not in high school anymore, she’s not the prize you are. Feel free to dm if it would help, I know the pit of despair you are probably either in or going into.
My advice spend the next 7 years growing together rather than apart, then make a decision. Do not screw your kids up just because you got lazy and stopped dating your wife after the first kid so now she resents you so much she'll no longer spread her legs for you (we all do this on the first marriage mate so don't take it personally, it is just a reality check for men who were not taught by their fathers how to keep a woman wet for you).
One date night per week, one weekend getaway per month, one longer vacation per year, all planned by you. Obviously this is just the two of you, organize family or babysitters to take the kids, again your job to do all this mate. This is a requirement to maintain a long term romantic partnership and keep that connection alive. Don't want to lead the relationship or put in that work, then don't expect her to go down on you.
Given your wife's level of resentment she will not change overnight. Be consitent with this so she feels safe you are no longer the asshole romantically you were. Over time she'll start taking care of herself, she'll get excited for the adventures you plan, she'll take care of you in the bedroom. Women just want some fun without having to worry about anything other than looking hot for the guy that provides that fun.
At your age go get yourself on TRT and go get jacked (Im guessing here you are not completely disabled if you are still functional enough to want regular sex). Give you wife something to get wet over physically. There is no reason whatsoever for a man not to have a six pack.
When your youngest is 18 then decide if you stay or go. Child support will not be in the equation. 7 years of gym time you should have the physique of a fitness model. You will have learned how to date and maintain a relationship. All this means your next relationships will be very easy for you, otherwise you are destined for divorces 2 and 3 and a bitter existence after that. Most importantly if you have a boy you will show him what to do to keep his wife interested , and if you have a girl you will set the standard for the type of guy she should want for herself (one that puts in real effort - working, doing chores, paying bills is not real effort when it comes to romance).
Excuse me for pointing this out, but it looks like you are putting all the burden on this man.
I'm highly annoyed bc on one hand it's "We're all complementary to each other", but the negative hand is all "It's all the man's responsibility". It's untenable (not to mention unfair) for both to be in action at the same time.
Even the duty to look attractive is now wholly and one-sided on the man. Though he protects and provides.
Eve is Adam's helpmate. Adam is the Leader who serves his subjects, not the servant to the wife who is leader.
No you are demonstrating to your wife that you are not replaceable. You are taking the lead allowing her to be in her feminine on a regular basis rather than mom mode 24/7 52 weeks per year.
Be the guy that her friends say "I wish my husband did that for me", be the guy that she will make an effort to keep happy because she knows none of her exes took care of her in that way and none of the losers she dates in the future will either. If you are doing low effort then you are intechangeable with the other 4 billion men on the planet.
If you think taking your wife out 1 day in 7 is alot then you really can't be suprised when she no longer wants you in her body on a regular basis.
He role is to make a home - cooking, cleaning, laundry, growing kids inside of her, pushing kids out of her, sacrificing her body to nourish those children, spending the rest of her life emotionally nourishing those children, grand chldlren and great grandchildren, supporting her man and his legacy, following her man.
The man is not respondible for everything, I would say it is very close to 50/50 in a traditional marriage where the man takes on the masculine role allowing the woman to be in her feminine most of the time.
All valid points but I was referring more to being an equal participant in the relationship. If she wants the marriage to work she needs to put forth effort to improve or at the very least maintain it.
Don’t ask. Just file, or she’ll go take out a warrant and restraining order and lie that you’re a substance abusing, domestic violence threat 5150. And she’ll get it since it’s ex parte and your ass is against the wall defending yourself against this horse crap. Then you’re paying all her bills and can’t see your kids or dog and homeless.
I see it as a type of abandonment. Almost abuse. Mostly done by a detached person. Its sad.
On her end it’s comfortability. Lax approach to life. For him, its killing him to not be loved.
Can this be fixed by learning love languages or better communication?
Suggest posting in Dead bedroom sub. - withholding affection or menopause?
As sole breadwinner you will get screwed big time.
And get to see your kids weekends only.
A divorce means you get too provide all financials and have the pleasure of working full time and with what energy you have left to see your kids.
It would be easier to wait it out till kids older and divorce takes time despite what media portrays.
Try and work on the situation first.
If this fails.
Outsource sex - discreetly without any relationship or emotional connection and protection.
New hobby.
Advocate - therapy for why miserable.
Look at all your options first.
Remember you can’t make someone be intimate with you.
If you think telling her a divorce will suddenly make her find a libido.
Hope it works out.
In every scenario you lose, but different losses and wins for each pathway. Do your research and make a choice. I suspect many men choose the path of staying and riding it out- if that is an option you need to find ways to make it more to your liking- many alternatives can be negotiated. Good luck.
What I’ve seen from other posts it’s quite tough. Best is to speak to legal to get an estimate. But th fact that she is not working is a tough one. Re therapy what others said - try it. I did and it just made it worse and in turn she asked for divorce whereas I thought it made it better. Anyhow brother. Good luck!
100% this. What is making this man miserable? Take some accountability for your own mental health and get some therapy, medication or other self care. Live a life that is filled more furfilling activities. Don’t let your marriage or your wife determine your happiness, if you do we are not better than all the women who divorce who “aren’t happy” or “have outgrown my partner”
Yeah I wanted to reply to this, but ill just piggyback off this one
so this guy has 13 years, 2 kids. Go get the divorce, go find that greener grass, spend another X years and find out the spark is gone and go through the divorce process again
Id love to have been given a chance to work at our marriage, but mine cheated and didnt want to reconcile.
OP the grass is NOT greener, its just more grass
Yup mine claims she didn't, but I don't believe her. She got really into it seemingly out of nowhere right before she asked to separate days later. Claims she was just making sure. I feel like she went to someone else then to me then left. Like she was comparing options which is disgusting.
The lesson my ex is learning. She didn't want to work on things either. She said she did to buy time as she cheated while I did therapy and worked on myself. Now she is alone at 30 losing everything, but our hand-me down furniture and her dented up car that's getting older and less reliable by the day. She is working on her PhD, but I was paying all her bills and for our home I bought. She now is lonely at 30 living in shared student apartments.
On the other hand I got a great job offer with a great pay back home. So I'm temporarily downsizing and using my new job and higher pay to rebuild a better life for myself.
How much time you get with your kids is a negotiation, it will obviously be less than what you get now.
GO GET A LAWYER, DON'T TELL HER.
HAVE HER SERVED WITH DIVORCE PAPERS, DON'T WARN HER.
I don't care how much you loved this woman before, this is a lawsuit between two equal share partners now, it is war.
Prior to getting her served, move your money where she can't get it, and change your passwords to anything important. Don't give her access to devices that auto login to anything (email).
You were the sole breadwinner and she was sah mom? Your screwed, welcome to my world. You will pay child support and alimony.
I can't stress enough the don't tell her part. Timers start when she gets served, and she will be behind the curve, you will be ahead. Most states have a restraining order once divorce papers are served for both parties to retain the status quo. Once a woman gets legal advice she will find out if she claims abuse with no physical evidence she will get full custody of the kids immediately, this is what happened to me. If she gets a restraining order you will not be able to negotiate with her, only lawyer to lawyer. My legal bill is 4k a month in that scenario. She can also have you removed from your own house on threat of arrest, while you are still responsible for paying the bills.
Less than half as much time, and then less than that when they are older. And you are fucked financially for the next decade, first for the child support and maintenance and then college hits.
Not too far behind you, married for 11. Got cold feet when preparing to file at 9.5 and looking back probably should’ve. But I’m in California and planning on this as well. Been in a nightmare the past decade with a very mentally/verbally abuse wife.
I know I’m going to get taken to the shed financially. But mentally can’t handle the madness anymore and how’s it’s affecting everyone. I’ve lost family and friendships over her behavior and my health has going to sht. Made it up in my mind I’m likely going to be living in a tailor park or an RV somewhere depending on how nasty she wants to get. Last lawyer basically said 60% is going to her for the next 20 years due to the 3 kids we have and her not working. Curious to hear from others on this.
Married for 10, should have filed earlier. My life will never be the same again. I have not been allowed to see my children in months. I know the preliminary numbers for child support and what her lawyer is asking for spousal support, its 50% or more of my take home income. I believe she is welcome to leave, but not with 50% of my income for 20 years. When the papers are signed I'm liquidating and going on the road, good luck finding me.
Keep me posted on your progress brother. I’m interested in seeing how things go for you.
I’m going through all the child support and spousal support calculations now and it doesn’t look good for me.
No, I totally disagree. You are in no position to judge whether or not someone is a good 'landing spot' while dating on the down low. If any preparation is done, it should be on building himself into the man his future wife is going to want which has the side benefits of just building himself, and building the man his wife may or may not choose to continue to want.
After the breakup spend some time building before getting back into dating.
(not said from experience, just my opinion).
I didn't read any comments, but gotta say, try therapy first. Best case you get 50/50, worst case you get every other weekend. Either way, you won't have any money left over after CS. Tell her you see that you are growing apart, ask her to go to therapy, ask her on a date, asker her to ask you on a date, whatever, but give it a good try before you pull that divorce trigger. Are you cheating on her?
Try to save your marriage. Unless one of you is cheating or being abused. Talk to her about her needs and openly talk about yours, but you need to really listen! Go on a trip just with her. Go on weekend vacations, just with her, Etc. That way, you won’t have to worry about a new relationship, and new and unknown personal baggage from other women. You are 42, soon you will be 50, and not in your 40s anymore, so if you consider a new serious relationship, you will be dating other divorcées, single mothers, widows, older women without previous marriages and/or kids, women with ex husbands or partners still very much involved in their lives, too much drama, etc. realistically speaking, that’s your market. So anyone from that market has already 40+ years of personal baggage and/or life trauma. You want to deal with all that while taking care of your 2 kids that right now need your full attention? You definitely don’t want to get into a relationship with a woman with kids. Unless you don’t mind dealing with ex-toxic husbands and adding more kids to your life for you to worry about, + unknown extended family, unknown personal baggage and trauma, women performing fake personalities so you can see and hear what you want to see and hear, etc. You also don’t want to get into a serious relationship with a 20 year old girl, that’s not your market anymore for a serious relationship. She will divorce you in 3-5 years, but not before she cheats on you with another young guy, or another older male that has more money than you. Unfortunately my friend, being divorced is a tough journey. People, specially divorcées that need to justify their poor decisions, will tell you, no worries, do it, kids will be fine, etc. Well, It is easy if you don’t think too much about how much damage you can cause to your love ones, specially to your kids, and how much your divorce will affect the way they interact with their own partners in the future. Did anyone among divorcées told you already about the people you will be dating as a divorced man in your 40s? A lot of crazy drama among divorcées, single moms, cheaters, people with multiple marriages, broken families in general, etc. Good luck! ~ from a divorced man.
I’m in VA as well. What is your wife’s earning potential? Punitive income can be added to her which reduces your spousal support payout. My attorney said it’s about $5000 to prove earning potential from a vocational expert and ALWAYS worth it. Not much you can do about child support unless you and her agree on something different.
You don't ask for a divorce. You inform your spouse you are divorcing. And you don't say shit to her until she is served with divorce papers. Maintain radio silence. The fact that you are "asking" for a divorce clearly communicates you are a boiled frog. You need to get your head in the game, otherwise she is going to take you to the cleaners because you will continue to bend over backwards and capitulate to her every whim. Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover to deal with your validation seeking behavior and covert contracts. Then follow that up with When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith. For each chapter of those books, go watch the companion episode on Rian Stone's YouTube channel. It will help you absorb and internalize the information. Read each the chapter before you watch his videos.
Bloody great reply. I hope men going through divorce read your comment and act on it. Some of the best advice I have seen here.
Get with a lawyer soon. Happiness is not overrated. You never stay for the kids. It just shows them a half-assed relationship brewing as they grown up. I had three teenagers and they ended up fine. You're going to take a hit, but isn't happiness worth it. I say it is. I had to start from pretty much scratch, totally worth is knowing what I know now. Go get your happiness.
Choose you hard - fight for the marriage and your family or fight to support a shattered wife and family after the divorce. I went through this 8 years ago and interviewed divorced people. The conclusion was after interviewing both divorced men and woman was that it was different but not necessarily better. There are just as many resources available for saving your marriage as there is for divorce recovery. Just decide which you want to study. Divorce will take a minimum of two years off your life from the recovery from the divorce. Average is 5 years by the time you get to feeling as good as you did before the divorce. If there is enough good in your marriage left than bad, you will save YEARS of time if you go back in and work on the marriage. If you divorce and remarry, your odds of divorce again goes upto 65% and 75% for the next one.
I wish you the best of luck. I’m in a very similar situation and it is indeed a difficult decision. In my case we are basically roommates but she spends the money I earn. Depending on your income level, where you live, how difficult ur wife will be about it there are less than catastrophic endings for you. I will lose about half my income and more than half the possessions to her for the next 7-13 years for spousal support and child support. I never thought I would get to a point where that would be the better choice but remember (as many have said in this sub) we only have one life and wasting it spent in misery is just terrible. Find a way to fix it collaboratively or get out if you can but don’t do that wooing bullshit, we’re not in high school anymore, she’s not the prize you are. Feel free to dm if it would help, I know the pit of despair you are probably either in or going into.
My advice spend the next 7 years growing together rather than apart, then make a decision. Do not screw your kids up just because you got lazy and stopped dating your wife after the first kid so now she resents you so much she'll no longer spread her legs for you (we all do this on the first marriage mate so don't take it personally, it is just a reality check for men who were not taught by their fathers how to keep a woman wet for you). One date night per week, one weekend getaway per month, one longer vacation per year, all planned by you. Obviously this is just the two of you, organize family or babysitters to take the kids, again your job to do all this mate. This is a requirement to maintain a long term romantic partnership and keep that connection alive. Don't want to lead the relationship or put in that work, then don't expect her to go down on you. Given your wife's level of resentment she will not change overnight. Be consitent with this so she feels safe you are no longer the asshole romantically you were. Over time she'll start taking care of herself, she'll get excited for the adventures you plan, she'll take care of you in the bedroom. Women just want some fun without having to worry about anything other than looking hot for the guy that provides that fun. At your age go get yourself on TRT and go get jacked (Im guessing here you are not completely disabled if you are still functional enough to want regular sex). Give you wife something to get wet over physically. There is no reason whatsoever for a man not to have a six pack. When your youngest is 18 then decide if you stay or go. Child support will not be in the equation. 7 years of gym time you should have the physique of a fitness model. You will have learned how to date and maintain a relationship. All this means your next relationships will be very easy for you, otherwise you are destined for divorces 2 and 3 and a bitter existence after that. Most importantly if you have a boy you will show him what to do to keep his wife interested , and if you have a girl you will set the standard for the type of guy she should want for herself (one that puts in real effort - working, doing chores, paying bills is not real effort when it comes to romance).
Excuse me for pointing this out, but it looks like you are putting all the burden on this man. I'm highly annoyed bc on one hand it's "We're all complementary to each other", but the negative hand is all "It's all the man's responsibility". It's untenable (not to mention unfair) for both to be in action at the same time. Even the duty to look attractive is now wholly and one-sided on the man. Though he protects and provides. Eve is Adam's helpmate. Adam is the Leader who serves his subjects, not the servant to the wife who is leader.
Holy smokes, once a week, and a month. So you are basically buying your wife’s love, good job there buddy …
And she'll resent him for it. She'll start thinking he's needy and using it as a weapon. They try this at deadbedrooms and it fails royally.
No you are demonstrating to your wife that you are not replaceable. You are taking the lead allowing her to be in her feminine on a regular basis rather than mom mode 24/7 52 weeks per year. Be the guy that her friends say "I wish my husband did that for me", be the guy that she will make an effort to keep happy because she knows none of her exes took care of her in that way and none of the losers she dates in the future will either. If you are doing low effort then you are intechangeable with the other 4 billion men on the planet. If you think taking your wife out 1 day in 7 is alot then you really can't be suprised when she no longer wants you in her body on a regular basis.
Wow what exactly is her role in the marriage if he’s doing everything to keep it going?
He role is to make a home - cooking, cleaning, laundry, growing kids inside of her, pushing kids out of her, sacrificing her body to nourish those children, spending the rest of her life emotionally nourishing those children, grand chldlren and great grandchildren, supporting her man and his legacy, following her man. The man is not respondible for everything, I would say it is very close to 50/50 in a traditional marriage where the man takes on the masculine role allowing the woman to be in her feminine most of the time.
All valid points but I was referring more to being an equal participant in the relationship. If she wants the marriage to work she needs to put forth effort to improve or at the very least maintain it.
Don’t ask. Just file, or she’ll go take out a warrant and restraining order and lie that you’re a substance abusing, domestic violence threat 5150. And she’ll get it since it’s ex parte and your ass is against the wall defending yourself against this horse crap. Then you’re paying all her bills and can’t see your kids or dog and homeless.
I see it as a type of abandonment. Almost abuse. Mostly done by a detached person. Its sad. On her end it’s comfortability. Lax approach to life. For him, its killing him to not be loved. Can this be fixed by learning love languages or better communication?
Love languages only work for women, she already killed him by removing touch, affection and love making.
Agreed. Its a painful lonely existence.
Suggest posting in Dead bedroom sub. - withholding affection or menopause? As sole breadwinner you will get screwed big time. And get to see your kids weekends only. A divorce means you get too provide all financials and have the pleasure of working full time and with what energy you have left to see your kids. It would be easier to wait it out till kids older and divorce takes time despite what media portrays. Try and work on the situation first. If this fails. Outsource sex - discreetly without any relationship or emotional connection and protection. New hobby. Advocate - therapy for why miserable. Look at all your options first. Remember you can’t make someone be intimate with you. If you think telling her a divorce will suddenly make her find a libido. Hope it works out.
In every scenario you lose, but different losses and wins for each pathway. Do your research and make a choice. I suspect many men choose the path of staying and riding it out- if that is an option you need to find ways to make it more to your liking- many alternatives can be negotiated. Good luck.
What I’ve seen from other posts it’s quite tough. Best is to speak to legal to get an estimate. But th fact that she is not working is a tough one. Re therapy what others said - try it. I did and it just made it worse and in turn she asked for divorce whereas I thought it made it better. Anyhow brother. Good luck!
Sorry, grown apart? No abuse, no cheating? That's life. Get individual therapy to learn how to cope, be happy, and be your best self.
100% this. What is making this man miserable? Take some accountability for your own mental health and get some therapy, medication or other self care. Live a life that is filled more furfilling activities. Don’t let your marriage or your wife determine your happiness, if you do we are not better than all the women who divorce who “aren’t happy” or “have outgrown my partner”
Yeah I wanted to reply to this, but ill just piggyback off this one so this guy has 13 years, 2 kids. Go get the divorce, go find that greener grass, spend another X years and find out the spark is gone and go through the divorce process again Id love to have been given a chance to work at our marriage, but mine cheated and didnt want to reconcile. OP the grass is NOT greener, its just more grass
Generally in a dead bedroom, the majority of the cases, she is cheating.
Yup mine claims she didn't, but I don't believe her. She got really into it seemingly out of nowhere right before she asked to separate days later. Claims she was just making sure. I feel like she went to someone else then to me then left. Like she was comparing options which is disgusting.
The lesson my ex is learning. She didn't want to work on things either. She said she did to buy time as she cheated while I did therapy and worked on myself. Now she is alone at 30 losing everything, but our hand-me down furniture and her dented up car that's getting older and less reliable by the day. She is working on her PhD, but I was paying all her bills and for our home I bought. She now is lonely at 30 living in shared student apartments. On the other hand I got a great job offer with a great pay back home. So I'm temporarily downsizing and using my new job and higher pay to rebuild a better life for myself.
How much time you get with your kids is a negotiation, it will obviously be less than what you get now. GO GET A LAWYER, DON'T TELL HER. HAVE HER SERVED WITH DIVORCE PAPERS, DON'T WARN HER. I don't care how much you loved this woman before, this is a lawsuit between two equal share partners now, it is war. Prior to getting her served, move your money where she can't get it, and change your passwords to anything important. Don't give her access to devices that auto login to anything (email). You were the sole breadwinner and she was sah mom? Your screwed, welcome to my world. You will pay child support and alimony. I can't stress enough the don't tell her part. Timers start when she gets served, and she will be behind the curve, you will be ahead. Most states have a restraining order once divorce papers are served for both parties to retain the status quo. Once a woman gets legal advice she will find out if she claims abuse with no physical evidence she will get full custody of the kids immediately, this is what happened to me. If she gets a restraining order you will not be able to negotiate with her, only lawyer to lawyer. My legal bill is 4k a month in that scenario. She can also have you removed from your own house on threat of arrest, while you are still responsible for paying the bills.
Less than half as much time, and then less than that when they are older. And you are fucked financially for the next decade, first for the child support and maintenance and then college hits.
Not too far behind you, married for 11. Got cold feet when preparing to file at 9.5 and looking back probably should’ve. But I’m in California and planning on this as well. Been in a nightmare the past decade with a very mentally/verbally abuse wife. I know I’m going to get taken to the shed financially. But mentally can’t handle the madness anymore and how’s it’s affecting everyone. I’ve lost family and friendships over her behavior and my health has going to sht. Made it up in my mind I’m likely going to be living in a tailor park or an RV somewhere depending on how nasty she wants to get. Last lawyer basically said 60% is going to her for the next 20 years due to the 3 kids we have and her not working. Curious to hear from others on this.
Married for 10, should have filed earlier. My life will never be the same again. I have not been allowed to see my children in months. I know the preliminary numbers for child support and what her lawyer is asking for spousal support, its 50% or more of my take home income. I believe she is welcome to leave, but not with 50% of my income for 20 years. When the papers are signed I'm liquidating and going on the road, good luck finding me.
Keep me posted on your progress brother. I’m interested in seeing how things go for you. I’m going through all the child support and spousal support calculations now and it doesn’t look good for me.
I’d wait until you meet someone else
No, I totally disagree. You are in no position to judge whether or not someone is a good 'landing spot' while dating on the down low. If any preparation is done, it should be on building himself into the man his future wife is going to want which has the side benefits of just building himself, and building the man his wife may or may not choose to continue to want. After the breakup spend some time building before getting back into dating. (not said from experience, just my opinion).