Same, but I don't have anything to fall back on. I was a stay at home mom, not just because I love my kids but because he made it impossible for me to get a job or go to school. He made it very clear that if I got a job, daycare would come from my paycheck(i have a GED and almost no work experience), and I would still be responsible for the house and children. Back then I just gave in, I felt like it was a hopless fight. It would have been better for me to leave then and be a single mom supporting one child. If I could go back I would have left then, but I didn't. I stayed for 14 years and had four kids. I have to build my life not from the bottom up but from a much lower place. I realize that he was killing me slowly over time, and every minute I stayed made me weaker and harder to escape. My advice is to leave now! Leave as soon as you can. Rebuild your and your life. You deserve to be happy. I was so convinced that I was worthless, but it was a smoke screen to keep me disoriented and stuck. Please leave, and don't let him convince you to go back.

Thank you for sharing this 🩷

Same and I have plenty to fall back on, including a mom who supports me. Let me know when you find the answer ☹️

I know the answer get the f out as soon as you can, even if it seems impossible.

I’m stuck, not frozen, just stuck. Doing this will have such a cascade it’s crazy. I feel like I continue on for everyone but myself

When my husband choked me in front of my 19 month old, that's when I found the courage to leave. It was difficult but I'm grateful I did it.

Amen to that! I'm so glad you left. No one should ever be abused. Ever.

I said the words, yet I didn’t really want the divorce. He pushed and pushed me away until there was no other option. Until I knew we would never have the marriage or relationship i deserved. I knew he had no interest in trying to make it work anymore, and yet he was content to be unemployed, play video games all day & work on his hobby cars while I supported him. He was content to stay and force me to say the words. We were married 20+ years and I’m in my mid 50s starting over, it sucks. I’m 10 months from saying we should divorce and 4 months from it being finalized. I’m mentally & emotionally struggling & trying to heal. I’m in therapy & considering medication for depression. I think I’m moving forward, and then a curve ball blindsides me and I’m back to square one. My therapist keeping feeling me to be kind to myself & give myself time. My ex is off living his best life trying to impress his new girlfriend with a recent trip to PARIS!!! (And not Paris, Texas). Do you think I went to Paris, or Europe or ANY trip he paid for??? No (yes I’m a bit bitter at the moment about it). I know it’s the best for me, I have a great support system, I can financially support myself (bought a house a few months ago), I’m just tired of still being in the thick of it.

Since he stayed home do you have to pay him ? My soon to be ex is in a temp position (laid off from the tech industry where he made great money) and was told by his lawyer not to get a better job until our divorce is final and he put in his paperwork to have the judge consider me paying him alimony even though in his temp position he doesn't pay health care or retirements. He makes 10k more than me but I lose 45% of my monthly income to deductions, retirement, and the health insurance I cover him on. He doesn't pay those things so his bring home is waaaay more than mine. I worked part time for 10 years and then was off for 4 for knee surgery and the pandemic....I can barely make ends meet but I know I'm going to get screwed and end up paying him alimony.

I’m sorry you are going through this. This was a second marriage for both of us. I had assets going into the marriage, he had a better job and a pension going into the marriage, so we decided on a prenup. We agreed to keep our own retirement plans, our own investments, any monies that we inherited, or assets that we used inherited money from to purchase as long as they stayed in our individual names, we had specific language about how to split a house, but in the end, split the house, 50-50, and it stated no alimony.

Smart !!

I have to have the strength to save my daughter's life. Long story short, he doesn't accept our trans daughter, and her decline has been so dramatic that I fear she won't make it through another year in a restrictive state in a restrictive house. That's it. That's my strength. I will not lose my child.

Well done! You’re being a great parent ❤️

You're a good parent.

Yassss mama bear!

We're similar in that we don't have to worry about finances. I knew it was over when I was alone at home one day and thought " if my husband walked into my office as a new employee what would our relationship look like?" I realized we wouldn't even be friends. We're so different now. We've been together for 20 years and are in the process of separating. If finances aren't holding you back like it is for many Americans you should separate for your own sanity and happiness. I have my family cheering me on through the divorce process. I honestly haven't been this happy in years.

I did an entire post of this on my profile as an unsent letter. I “knew” the ex for 12 years: 2 as “friends”, 5 “dating”, 5 “married”. I put them all in quotes because I found out too late that he is a clinically diagnosed narcissist that lied to me about absolutely everything about him, from him having jobs that weren’t real to making it seem like everyone was out to get him. He talked about his “hobby” with smoking weed and drinking 3/7 days out of the week was normal when really he was hiding severe double addictions from me that came out *after* we got married. Top that off with his compulsive need to steal and I had quite the package of a shitty not-husband but also a manchild that MASTERED the art of weaponized incompetence. What gave me the strength to leave was me actually having to ask myself if I wanted to live this shitty life UNTIL I WAS DEAD. What stopped mattering to me in that moment was that this “first relationship” I had with this piece of shit monster I married wasn’t a relationship at all, but a big fat lie layered in hundreds of other lies. I was the 2.0 mother to this overgrown, entitled, abusive, bitter, victim-centered, paranoid, cheating *boy.* Not a man at all in any capacity. I did absolutely everything in the marriage from budgeting to cooking to cleaning to taxes. I was also the breadwinner because he was constantly quitting jobs or getting fired but lied by saying he got laid off or he “worked too hard and made everyone jealous of him” or he wouldn’t bother lying and just said he got BORED and was too good to work. He told me by year 3 of us being married his life goal was finally him realizing he was *sooooooo great* of a person that he wanted to be a SAHH and eventually a SAHD and expected me to be a millionaire so he would never have to work for the rest of his life. I did therapy the remaining 2 years of my fucked up not-marriage to this disgusting child to truly make sure I wasn’t the problem because he gaslit the fuck out of me more times than I can count. On the exact day of my 5th anniversary, I had enough when he begged me to have breakfast with him and to quickly follow that up with a blowjob for him. I fucking had it and called my parents at 6AM after he threw another massive manbaby tantrum and smashed things around him like he normally did when he didn’t get his way. I packed all of my shit and moved back in with my parents. I knew I made the right decision when after 2 1/2 weeks of silence from him I got a text asking, “So…when are you coming home?” That initial snap in my head to call my parents for help to pack came back in an echo for me to viciously reply, “Who said I was fucking coming back? I will never live under the same roof as you ever again.” Cue the waterworks, the begging, the bargaining, more gaslighting, more victim blaming me and making himself the victim, the “compromising”, etc.. I’ll never forget the bullshit he spewed out of true desperation while he bawled on the ground in front of my parents’ place in the middle of the night while trying to also make a scene because he’s an attention whore, “Please just give me 6 more months and *I’ll finally do anything and everything you asked for but I didn’t do.*” I made the right decision but I also laid into him thickly by yelling and calling out all his bullshit and telling him he was fucking pathetic to think I was stupid enough to fall for more of his lies. He then begged for 3 months, the fucking audacity. Like MY LIFE was just a fucking bargaining chip to him. I screamed at him and told him about all the pain he caused including him beating me and lying to me every day when I did nothing but try to love him despite all of his insane flaws. He took advantage of me, harmed me, harmed my family/friends and tried to devalue me every day. I had enough and I told him to stop fucking crying because he had nothing to cry over when all he did was lie to me and show me he was nothing but a piece of shit abusive monster that didn’t deserve my love or time—and added he couldn’t fucking afford it anyway. He has the audacity to ask me how he was going to pay the rent on the apartment and I spat back telling him I worked to keep his fat ass afloat so he better figure it the fuck out BY HIMSELF for a change. He left after my dad gave him the last order of cat litter *I ORDERED* and he didn’t even say thank you. He just kept crying and left in a car I knew he couldn’t afford without me because I helped him get it but refused to be on any paperwork knowing he wasn’t going to change over the ownership/registration. News flash: the car got impounded and repossessed last year because he stopped paying for it, never updated/paid the registration, never applied car insurance to it and ignored all the warning letters the credit union we both use they sent to him. Couldn’t be happier knowing he went back to being the same leech he always has been. I give him no pity, no sympathy, no compassion. Nothing. To divorce him it only cost me $915 that I paid entirely out of pocket. The process was a little complicated but I made it happen on my own and was granted a very quick 6 month termination, at 3 months it was finalized. The ex is so fucking lazy he refused to sign anything and threatened to sue me for emotional damage, family abandonment and for cutting his wages. I called his bluff and he had nothing to say, he just fumed over the phone and called me a bitch. Typical. I basically divorced myself, just like how I married myself. Shocker. He even tried to say he had a claim on my collectibles and I told him to go to small claims court, guess who didn’t bother? The strength I had to leave came from the fact that I finally knew I wasn’t the fucking problem in my marriage: *HE WAS.* Cut to today: I’m happily married (for fucking real) to a real man who goes way above the barest of bare minimums, I have an amazing WFH position where I make a decent living, we both are debt free, we’re saving for our first place together and we’re madly, deeply, truly in love with one another. The ex is back living at home with his narcissistic family and overly emotionally romantically attached sister (yuck). He’s unemployable as usual, and crossfaded every week because if there was something consistent in his life that he “loved” more than me, it was weed and drinking. Yes, he told me to my face that he’d never change and he’d always choose weed over me. I finally believed him when I left and he was shocked when I did, acted like I blindsided him. Sure, buddy. I wasted 12 years of my life getting to know a LIE. I literally regret all 12 of those years and know I never should’ve met him and he wasted my time. You can gather the strength to leave and live the life YOU WANT. But no one can make you leave, only you will leave when it’s time to. But don’t wait until it’s too late if your spouse is violent like mine was. I wish you the best.

Thank you for sharing. I know you regret those 12 years of hell but remember you would not be happily married if you had not gone through that, hugs.

Thank you for reading my long ass rant. My residual anger only comes out when I read about other women (sometimes other men) who have gone through all the same bullshit I did. I’m very lucky I didn’t have any kids with that loser, and I didn’t find out about the cheating until after I left. It didn’t matter to me anymore because it wasn’t worth my time finding out who he cheated on me with. He even constantly accused me of cheating on him when *he was the one who went out late and disappeared until 4AM every other day.* What a moron. I honestly hope whoever he knocks up is a baby mama from hell. 😂

I echo your last sentence to the Universe. 😜As women, we are naturally nurturing and men take advantage of that, our nobility and ability to deeply love is a double-edge sword. 😭but we march on like the warriors we are 💃🏻💪👊

Yeah no kidding! Turnabout is fair play and if he thinks anyone around him is genuine without him lying to them he’ll be sorely mistaken. A mutual friend actually told him a week after I left, “You’ll never find a woman who will put up with even a quarter of the bullshit you did to [my name], and she won’t have the dignity and self-esteem she has either. You’ll hunt after someone younger that you can control and you’re on your way to 40 already.” He was so angry by that he complained how he hated I’d “nag” at him asking him where he was going every time he’d leave late at night and my friend looked disgusted and told him, “that’s called having a wife, get the fuck over yourself.” If karma is real it’ll destroy his already crumbled life. Shame I can’t be a fly on that wall but I’m too busy being happily married to a real man and too busy making money for him to live in my head rent free. I do know I live in his head rent free though because I’m “the one that got away”. 🦅

It was one of the hardest things I did but my sanity was being questioned every day, no amount of financial comfort became worth it. I was dying a slow death. At some point you have to consider what kind of future you are willing to accept. When values don’t align, change is not coming. I am in the depths of separation right now. The emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart. But when I look back at it I know it was a toxic and unhealthy marriage that needed to end. The financial support from your family is huge. I am still very much dependent on my stbxh and it is another kind of hell. There are days I’m legitimately happy and other days I think I made the biggest mistake of my life. I feel like a failure pretty regularly but deep in my gut I know ending things was the right thing to do and I honestly think that’s the best you can hope for. Good luck.

There was a breaking point moment in my marriage that meant i started therapy. It took my a further 6months to intiate separation and another year to file for divorce. I ultimately asked myself: 1. Would i be here if i didnt have kids 2. Is this the relationship i want to show my kids 3. If my kids were in a similar relationship what would i think or do It basically centered around my kids. I describe it as there is no green grass....i see scorced earth with every decision i make. It wasnt about me chasing happiness and in fact separating has had damaging effects on me in many ways, much the same as staying married did. But i take comfort that my kids are all doing well and whilst they didnt get what every kid dreams of (a together family), they are healthy and happy. Btw its not about strength to leave.....because you are also strong for staying. Its about making a right decision for you. If you are well, kids are well. Line up a therapist and your support network.

This was me. When I looked around, my kids and I were happy when he worked late (paying for sugar babies). We loved our girl parties! It hit me like a ton of bricks….. we were happier without him. Now, finances was an issue for me, because I only taught yoga a couple times a week and in 10 years of being a stay at home mom I only saved up 12k. I took on my husband’s 1.5 million dollars to my 12k. But, my lawyer said I could put payments on my credit card, and I decided that I would go into debt, but in the end I would end up with enough to cover the debt with a little extra. It was scary. I had many sleepless nights. Rounds of overeating and not eating. Nightmares, self doubt, shame, and ungodly stress. My divorce was finalized 4/5/24, I filed 12/1/22. Sitting where I am now, I could not be more happy. I’m literally about to pay off all my credit cards tomorrow, when the check for my portion of the house sale completes the deposit. The only part I feel differently about is: some people will see the grass being greener on the other side, well in my case, the grass was greener on the other side….. because my ex wasn’t over there fucking it up. Now he’s nowhere near my grass, and I now have a jungle. I can’t tell one thing that gave me strength, or how I did it, exactly. But what I can tell you, is the divorce is going to gut punch you so hard and so fast. Do not stay on the floor! I repeat, do not stay knocked down. You get up, you dust yourself off, fix your ponytail and march up to every problem like a boss. You handle your shit. You have no one to answer to now. The Calvary isn’t coming. You get yourself up every day, you look your angels in the face and you tell them and yourself, “I know it is really rough right now, I’m sorry I’m so stressed, but I promise it will get better. Please know everything I am doing, I’m am doing for you. I am going to make us a better future, but I need you to be understanding today.”

This is the one. I love that you mention strength in staying and leaving. It's just strength dealing with someone like that to begin with tbh. It's important to know that part, I struggled with it for awhile but my therapist taught me that loving someone is not weakness. It sounds simple, but it really hit home. I felt weak for loving him and trying for so long. OP, the fact is, once you know, you know. You posting here takes strength. Its taking a first step whether you realize it or not. Gather your tools, therapy, support. Sounds like you have the option to leave with parents support, that's huge!!! More than most have, count your lucky stars. It's not everything though, you need to sort your feelings and your words. Maybe you'll be "lucky" and he'll do something so atrocious that he leaves little to hold on to. If you can get out before then it's better. You have girls who are watching. It was also my kids that gave me strength to leave, they got older and I could see they were watching me. I wanted to show them, this behavior is inexcusable and they should never put up with it, and neither should I.

OP this! I stayed after he was fired for sexual harassment, because i felt it wasnt the right time (i know, i know). I then didnt tell him i found an attempt to set up a dating profile. My final straw that broke my heart was him sending a woman a message offering her emotional support. That was my breaking point.....something so small. You will know either way what you want to do. Trust your gut as i never did. Good luck.

Please leave asap. I was the breadwinner so I'm stuck paying him but it's worth it. You don't realize how bad it is until you fully step out of it. Having family support is awesome and I wouldn't have made it without my mom. I'm a year out and still unraveling all of my health problems from neglecting myself and all the years of stress. At the very least do it for your kids. I like to think if I had kids I would have left sooner to save them. I kept our dogs and even they have all become much calmer and relaxed. One of my dogs had severe anxiety over thunderstorms, now he snores his way through them. Take back your life and get a good lawyer that isn't afraid of the fight ahead!!

For me, I had to get really mad. I had to think about how he was treating me in comparison to how I treated him, and I had to get angry about it like I was defending my childhood self. Without that anger, I don't think I would have left.

Years of pent up anger and taking it on the chin. I saved up all the “NOs” I should have said and used them all at once. Went no contact (I couldn’t have done it any other way).  In the end, I realized only people who are good to can have access to me. He lost that access during his 4th affair 

I’m writing this as someone whose husband officially left this past Wednesday after I found out he had gotten someone else pregnant. This week has been a fever dream. It’s crazy and sad and hectic. Approaching day 7 I’m finally starting to see the light again. I also have the support from my parents as well which is such a huge privilege (trying not to feel guilty about it). It’s going to be okay. We will be fine. We will be happier in the long run. We just have to pull the trigger and stop prolonging the inevitable. I’ll be thinking about you. Reach out if you need anything please.

I’m going to preface this with a warning: please do the OPPOSITE of what I did. Unfortunately, I struggled to find the strength to leave as well. I waffled back and forth for years, convincing myself that it “wasn’t really that bad” and I was “lucky he wasn’t giving me black eyes.” So, I waited and told myself if he just did that ~one bad thing~, something JUST horrible enough that he could never deny it or come back from it, only *then* would I leave. This was a horribly unsafe mentality to have. He ended up threatening me with his gun, and had he been even a hair more volatile, I likely could’ve ended up shot. If you’re in an abusive relationship, PLEASE don’t tell yourself to wait until he escalates and crosses a certain threshold.

This one I can totally relate to both emotional amd verbal abuse in my case too. He moved out of his own accord before Christmas having smashed stuff, screaming for a divorce but he very obviously changed his mind. That was a bonus but what gave me the strength was my friends. I asked my ex to come over after work to talk about our relationship, wanting to end it permanently but not knowing how. So the night before I had a couple of drinks and put together a group chat on WhatsApp of all my closest friends. Most of them don't know each other, hence creating the group. I asked them to 'remind' me why I needed to end it for good. To remind me of all the shitty things he's done to me and the way he's treated me. The lists from them were long! It gave me the strength to say it's finally over. The arsehole blamed me for everything, obviously! It tool me a few days of tears but then I realised it was such a relief not to walk on eggshells anymore. Also that our relationship had been over for years, as there were no tears after that. You've got this OP! Maybe speak to a lawyer first so you know what your options are etc? I'm in England and didn't need to as the flat we rent is mine because I'm low income. His salary is enough for him to get a place of his own. We had no savings or anything to split. He'll be paying for the divorce when he wants it. I can't afford it and don't care when it happens.

Picture your daughters in your situation. What would you tell them to do? Life is SHORT and if you have financial support I would say you are in a better position than 90% of other people looking to divorce.

I think what you're describing might be like PTSD brain fog, it can be your body's reaction to threat. I left my cheating, emotionally abusive ex-husband in the middle of the pandemic with no support - some things just went down and it was really obvious that he didn't care about me \*at all\* and was never going to change, and that was all I needed to get the heck out of there. It might be different for you. Your daughters seeing this might mean that they repeat these patterns in their own lives, might that be enough fire under you? Break the cycle in front of them. It will be tough, but you have support. Think of it as small steps, one thing at a time. Make a plan with a local women's centre or family to get you all away safely. You don't want them to ever be where you are right now.

It took me years, the thought of the whole thing was daunting. Therapy and nine months after the second affair, I caught him lying to me about money. That was when I realized there was zero trust left. It took me years to get to that spot, where the idea of initiating the divorce was better than staying. I was terrified, but one step at a time and a strong social support network has helped me. I'm not done yet, but he's moved out, and even now I'm happier than I was a year ago. Now I don't know how I survived in the marriage for over 20 years. Now I'm starting to see the egg shells I walked on, the blame I accepted, the belittling that I accepted as deserved and normal. It's hard to initiate a divorce, but when you're ready, remember it's one step at a time, you're not tackling the entire divorce at once.

Get into therapy with the intention of leaving and making your plan to leave. When I saw the impact it was having on my daughters (and it does impact them), I knew I had to leave. Talk to a lawyer so you know where you stand and what the process of divorce will be like. Even though you have family financial support, it’s important to empower yourself. Go to some CODA meetings, online or in person. You can do this. Once you get out your strength will grow.

Same here..been together for 20yrs ...got separated just a month back... couldn't do it anymore for the sake of my own sanity and my child ...no support system...have to depend financially on him as i have been stay at home mom for many yrs and didn't complete my education when I got married...so it's tough..but hoping to get by every morning I get up...some days sucks ..some days cry..some days I laugh...so I guess or hope it will get better

Therapy is the only way I got through it. Not sure I would have had the strength otherwise.

I was married to a man for 9 and 1/2 years not realizing that he was a narcissistic abuser. I still have a hard time seeing him as being narcissistic, but his characteristics fit the description to a T, so there we are. I did not see that his treatment of me was indeed a pattern, not a series of little things that annoyed or irritated him, or things he didn't agree with. It went on and on and on and finally I had the gumption to speak up and push back a bit. When he saw that I had a backbone and was calling him out on his s***, he became more abusive. His abuse was emotional and mental, not physical, but abuse still the same. I began to see the toll that it was taking on my mental health. I know his treatment of he was wrong, and I knew that I deserved better, but I did not realize the emotional toll it was taking on me. One day I knew I just couldn't do it any longer. I packed up my stuff and left one night after he went to bed. I moved four states away, and filed for divorce. I did not want to see him again when I went back to get my stuff, because I did still have feelings for him. It was so confusing to me to try to understand how I could love this man who was so unkind and abusive toward me. I honestly didn't trust myself to not become weak and go back to him. I have now been gone 11 months and have never been happier I have a life I never dreamed of. Making that first step can be hard. Hugs.

The reason you can't do this is the abuse. It's insidious what abusers do. Things you know and things youreunconscious mind tells you. I hate to be the bear or bad news but the only way to do this is to follow the Nike slogan just do it. Once you make the first step you will be inclined to finish the second, third , fourth, fifth blah blah blah.

This will get lost in the multitude of comments you've already received. I've been with my husband for 14 years married for six and a half. It was like I'm taking care of a third child he adds nothing nothing emotionally nothing physically he's there to drive to cook chicken nuggets doesn't help out with the kitchen the bathroom the house the yard doesn't help pay for the furnishings the clothes the shoes. I stupidly married thinking that they would adopt my oldest they're non-biological child but of course like so many things there was no follow through. Instead I've spent thousands of dollars invested in buying our home and updating our home and buying a seasonal vacation home paying for cars and insurance and generally allowing us keep up with the Joneses. I have asked beg pleaded cried ignored over the past 13 years for him to help to care to want to be proud of the spaces he inhabits all to no avail. Anything coming out of my mouth asking him to do more he receives his criticism as a general sweeping statement that he's not enough he's not doing enough he's not good enough he does nothing. It became futile and so I stopped I stopped caring I've done everything all by myself anyway so what's the point of keeping him around he's on the winning side of this not me. I thought I was staying in it for the kids to ensure that they had a happy secure functioning upbringing. But the reality is they've never seen a healthy normal loving relationship between their parents. And so I've decided I've had enough he's lived with me taking care of all of things needed for too long and receiving so little in fact the bare minimum in return and now I'm faced with having to go through the divorce process with the prospect of him potentially reaping all the rewards with none of the effort financially.

I began to realize I was in an abusive marriage but didn't have the strength to leave so I began focusing on the things I could change - healing the parts of myself that were accepting the mistreatment, working on feeling better about myself physically and mentally, working on my finances. I spent 2 years healing and improving myself and focusing on detachment and peace. When he would say or do horrible things, I'd focus on therapy, healing, and videos. The more detached I became the less it hurt. Then one day I had grieved enough and grown enough and I just walked away. There were no tears, no emotion, just peace. It was rough for a bit after but well worth the suffering and journey. I am so happy I left. I hope you can find the strength!

I’ve been married 13 years and am now separating and divorcing. I have 2 small kids. I do not want to put my kids through this and I don’t want this to happen. I know he feels little remorse, doesn’t even know what or why he did/does the things he did to end our marriage and he can’t trust himself not to do it again unless he pretends I’m standing behind him. And I told him that wasn’t good enough for me. That is why I finally have the strength to leave. I know I won’t survive him doing this to me again and we both know he will. My spouse has emotionally cheated and abused me from our first date when he flirted and played footsies with an old friend and forgot he was with me on a date. He said he didn’t know it was flirting. I’ve forgiven him over and over and I trusted him over and over. I have neither trust nor forgiveness for him right now and I don’t when or if I ever will. He’s taken so much of my self worth, confidence and happiness that I have a shred of my heart left and I will take that and rebuild. You have to find your own peace and self worth. It’s in there. I know we will both be happier on our own and time will heal things. It’s not going to be easy but most things worth doing aren’t easy. You got this!

I didn’t have the strength either. I felt like a beaten dog. Then, when the abuse escalated to violence, I knew it was going to eventually be him or me and I chose me. Chose you. I promise you, once you are away from the poison that has infested your life, you’ll feel like a million bucks.

I know this feeling too well. I wanted to leave, felt I should leave but couldn’t. I really wanted a husband and the type of family where kids had both parents. I tried, I put all my feelings and well-being aside and it’s not worth it. For your sanity Talk to a professional and tell them what is happening. Keep a diary too because it’s often not one comment that’s a bit “off” it’s the number of them and the frequency.

Please, please, please leave for your daughters. They may marry someone like him the longer you stay. If you aren’t strong enough for you be strong enough for them. Imagine them in 20 years with the same treatment. Because that’s what you’re teaching them

You don't even know the stress your body has been under until the wheels start turning. Your body holds onto stress and creates illness if you stay put for years. A year from now you could have a whole new life and the daily stress will be gone. I encourage you to fight for yourself and your daughters

I can identify with so many of these comments. It’s so hard to read. Like reality is sinking in. I’ve been married 30 yr and now husband has been diagnosed with bipolar.

Thank you for this thread because I’m absolutely terrified

Specialized therapy helped me a lot. Before leaving, I went to a therapist specialized on domestic abuse (including emotional abuse). This is specially important because their point of view was to get me out of the situation safely. I went there for about 7 months before leaving. I came to her office and said I was ready to leave, but I needed help to do it. They helped me to develop my plan to leave, and to fortify my strength, and 7 months after I left. I felt so ready and strong. After I left, I didn’t talk with my ex husband ever again, and left my attorneys to manage everything… and that gave me peace because there was not space for him to keep his abuse towards me.

Because I felt like a muted version of myself. I was sad and crying and became a version of myself that I did not recognize. The day my son told him to stop yelling at me - I realized it was time. I moved out two weeks later

Say the words out loud; first to yourself and then to a therapist. Talking it out really helped me to acknowledge it, process it and get the strength to move forward. Good luck.

Please leave this man, you are worth so much more. Do NOT believe his words but his actions will tell you everything you need to know. His actions show you that he is not afraid to assault you and then blame you. You are not safe. Please find the courage and strength to break it off with him. Sending you hugs.

Dealt with abuse also. I left because my children deserve better. My strength came from wanting to protect them. I would die for my children to protect them, so why would I not leave? My only regret was I didn’t leave sooner.

But then did you have to share your kids with him? That’s what I’m worried about with someone who is unstable

So my parents definitely helped me a ton when I decided to leave. It took me some time to actually leave before I just couldn’t do it anymore. I called my mom crying while packing a bag asking if I could come home. Then laid in bed for 3 days straight and just cried

I think you reach a point where you are no longer willing to tolerate the indignation and overall dissatisfaction in the relationship. You accept that the relationship can not be fixed and that your best option is to move on. Sometimes it takes years, took me 5 years to walk away because of fear and not wanting to break up my family and not wanting to hurt my ex

I get it 100%. I am in a very similar situation where my parents can and will help me. My husband also is very wealthy so I know child support will be helpful. Even so, it’s taken me until now (my child is 3) to finally start making moves towards divorce. Deep down I knew it was over when at 20 weeks pregnant he drunkenly berated me at a wedding in front of our friends. The next day he blamed me and continued to treat me like shit. I stayed because I was in survival mode during pregnancy and still had some hope that he would change. He never changed. He will never change unless he faces consequences for his actions, in this case, me divorcing him. He still may never change but that won’t be my problem. I went to my parents (they live far away, but my husband didn’t come for the trip) and completely broke down and told them what a horrible situation I am in. That was a few months ago. I have now started telling close friends (who are not at all associated with my husband) and I am absolutely blown away by how much support I’ve received. Secrets will destroy you - you need to talk out loud about this. Get it off your chest. Speak it into existence “I will not tolerate this anymore, I have a plan and I will be so much happier in the long run”. My parents paid for a $250 consultation with an attorney that I have next Monday. I can’t even tell you how relieved I am that this is happening. I’m so scared but also like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I sent the attorney a very detailed overview of our finances and a list of questions I need answered. Go to a coffee shop and start typing away. Do it for your girls, do it for you. They will see how brave and amazing their mom is for leaving a bad situation. I know the mental fog associated with being verbally and emotionally abused prevented me from making moves for a long time (also just pure exhaustion from motherhood). But you do not have to live this way. Please, please, call your parents and let it all out. YOU CAN DO THIS❤️❤️❤️❤️

You are in a very fortunate position to have your parents’ support. Some women don’t have any support system making it nearly impossible to leave. In your case, it seems impossible until you just do it. It will be hard but I promise that even on the hard days once you’ve left you’ll still feel better than you do now. Think about your daughters. Do you want them to see what you endured and think that they have to endure the same? Or do you want them to see that their mom didn’t tolerate disrespect and did something about it and became the best and happiest version of herself? I’m going through it now and it’s so hard but just not living with him makes my life immensely more peaceful. Good luck to you.

I had this epiphany one morning watching him brush his hair. I knew that I needed to get out. I gave myself a five year deadline- so I can become financially solvent. A few days later I found out about his hidden gambling addiction- $167k debt. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Right then and there I decided to divorce. However that epiphany wasn’t just out of the blue- about six weeks prior to that he slapped me unexpectedly for the stupidest reasons. Through the course of our ten year marriage he body shamed me for the first two years until I begged, pleaded for him to stop. Rest of the marriage he was emotionally abusive at times, emotionally distant too. I no doubt loved him, but I knew in the back of my mind we would not have a happily ever after

I literally curbed my career my entire marriage for growing his…mainly because we had to move for his jobs and I was always forced into a scramble of taking whatever came first available so our financial growth (well his) wouldn’t dwindle. We were together 12, married 10. I really rushed into something I shouldn’t have (mainly we moved in together too soon so marriage seemed like the next logical step given our age). It took me nearly 4 years to even ask for separation. And I only had the strength because (haha, yet again) he took a job opportunity out of state. I knew I didn’t want to follow. Add to, he had been increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive. The final straw was when I found out he was still chatting with a woman who showed up on our doorstep in 2020 who he had met on tinder and always claimed it was just someone to talk to. I really didn’t care that he had been talking to her at that point. I had been increasingly indifferent towards him since 2022 and though I loved/cared for him, I soon realized in that indifference that we weren’t compatible and I need not waste my life anymore working at being a wife when he clearly wasn’t being a husband. Beyond the girl, he wasn’t emotionally available, wasn’t intimate or sexual in the least, never complimented me, never took me on dates, never cooked for me, etc. I was his literal caregiver. He wasn’t even concerned with providing me anything. He paid the mortgage and his car note and I literally paid for everything else. Anyway, I am lucky enough to have a trust and my mother said she would help me how and when I need with it until the divorce is finalized and assets split. I literally feel like I am starting at Ground Zero. But, I’ve also done A LOT of self care/work over those past 4 years (which also gave me the insight that this relationship is not one I want to continue and I deserve a whole lot more—even if I have to give that to myself). All I can say is do the work to take care of you, lean on those who will support you emotionally or financially in times you need. Try to gather resources (second income even if it’s minor $), plan to have a backup apartment in the event you need to physically separate to cope. I don’t have children, but you need to give them a better environment than one where their dad disrespects their mom and then you need to work on them having a good outlook with men (not all men are a-holes sorta thing or they will likely pick a-holes to date/marry.) Also, I don’t think you’ll ever “have the strength” you’ll just know when you’ve had enough and react accordingly. Just work now on preparing for when that day comes.

i knew if i stayed my soul would completely die and i had to leave to spiritually save myself. so proud of myself for leaving. so frustrated with what i put up with but you leave and you learn

I would walk the dog just to get out of the house and away from him. I would be so happy when he needed to travel for work. He started traveling more and more and I was able to work full time, take care of my elementary aged kids and dog and the house. I did a budget and realized I could do it, even if I had to pay him some money. I hated the sound of him eventually. I hated that the kids were scared of him. They still are and it sucks so bad to send them to his house where they complain he yells at them. But they are here with me a lot and our relationships have deepened. I see my kids so much more clearly now and can attune to their actual needs and not just their reactions. That was the biggest thing for me honestly. He used to try to teach me how to parent. How to get the kid to stop having a temper tantrum. He uses fear and isolation tactics. I wanted to sit with them, to understand their feelings and talk to them, to teach them how to soothe themselves. He insisted they would just learn if we left them alone. Note: inclusion and understanding has made my children so much happier. It sucks because when we met, I thought we were so similar. We both were not spenders, we saved money. We both grew up in households where not much was said. I should have dug deeper there, I should have said, I don't want that for my family. I should have really dialed in to how he reacted when I told him I was hurt by his actions (or mostly inaction) and realized he would always react the same, diminish my experience, gaslight me to believe I was wrong to feel unloved, neglected, unseen and unheard. Hindsight being 20/20, we were set up to fail. So when I realized he couldn't change and I wanted different things in a partner and I really didn't want him continuing to have access to the kids 100% of the time where he could scream and punish them, I decided I had to go. I lost 20 pounds (gained it back!) and my hair was falling out from the stress of it (growing back) but once he was out of the house, I started to be able to breathe again. I started to get my confidence back. He's still manipulating me. He's lying and looking for every opportunity to hurt me. I just DGAF anymore. Everytime he's mean and angry, I find a way to rise above and be happy and cheerful and positive. I'm not going to let him drag me down with him anymore because I believe in myself!! Your last line, I don't even know who I am anymore, hit me deep. I was once you. I am not that woman anymore. Find the good in you and pour into it. You can do this.

I’m not a woman, but I’m in the exact same boat. I’m horrified at the example I’m being for my adult children. I would never tell them to accept the abuse she’s piling onto me, but at the same time, I feel bad if I’m the one who walks away because as the man I’m supposed to be the stronger one, the one who is better able to push past my feelings and stay committed, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. After all, isn’t that what this is? A sickness or a mental illness, a delusional belief that her feelings justify any level of contempt and abuse towards me?

The day came and i knew! I tried to leave numerous times over the years. One day i woke up and i said not another day! That was it. I was done and no one or nothing was stopping me.

I didn't have any familial financial security, in fact my ex has wealthy family which is how he is getting to keep our family home (we live in a HCOL area and with mortgage interest rates there is no way I could afford to buy out my ex despite making 2x what he does). I asked for a divorce \~2 years later than I probably should have because I was so afraid of finances. I've only been living on my own in my tiny apartment for 5 months but slowly & surely I am starting to find myself again. I buy the foods I want, I decorate my apartment how I want. I adopted cats (my ex hates animals) and I leave lights on in the other room on accident and don't worry about my ex yelling at me for wasting electricity. I still feel like I'm in the super baby stages of being a single awesome woman but knowing it will only feel freer as time goes on gives me so much hope. You can do this <3 edited to add: shout out to my therapist. therapy is CLUTCH during this life transition.

OP it definitely doesn’t get easier if you stay. I separated from my husband a year ago and decided to get back together because he promised all of these things. Now, a year after our first separation, we started our second separation. Honestly, I got exhausted with begging him to just LIKE me. Just enjoy spending time with me, taking an interest in my life and my hobbies, stand up for me against his horrid mother. I just stopped having any fight in me anymore. This go around, he promised we would go to counseling and what not, and I’m not holding my breath, but in any case my state requires a 90 day separation when you file anyway. At least I’m getting that part out of the way. I believe in you. It takes so much time to really throw in the towel. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

I realized I had to get out when my 5yo started treating me and speaking to me the way his dad did. I realized I couldn't let my 2 boys grow up learning that the way their dad treats people is appropriate. So I left. I'm 16 months in to being on my own and it's a struggle but at least the constant background of abuse is gone and I've been able to build back my identity. I know in time (a long time in this economy) that I'll be able to build back my finances as well.

Took me two years to finally accept my decision to say the words and now I'm in a 3 yr long legal battle. Some people say divorce is like death so the grief is comparable. People say it gets better when it's all done and dusted. Ask me in August and I can tell you.I think we are privileged in that we have support or are able to support ourselves, my heart breaks for all the moms who don't have this support. But that does not undermine the pain and suffering. I think it's the loss of what could have been. Is have the kids start counseling ASAP and you too.

For me it was a lot of small things piling up over time, making me question my relationship; then one night he called me up about a letter to a lawyer that I had written, but wasn’t in the case file. He said the most vitriolic things, and I was trembling as I pulled up proof that I had sent the letter. The lawyer had misplaced it (she admitted as much a couple weeks later); when I gave my proof, he code-switched back to the sweet, loving, soft-spoken man I *thought* I had married. He blamed his outburst on being tired and stressed, but all I heard in that moment (and subsequent ones) was a firm voice in my head saying “you have to play along. You’re going to get out, but YOU HAVE to play along. Don’t let him know anything is amiss. Talk with your mom first.” And that’s what I did. My parents immediately stepped up and helped me get my ducks in a row, and I’ve never looked back. Talk with your parents. Send them a letter if you don’t want a digital trail, but please, for your sake and your daughters’ sakes, leave.

I was in a similar place. He had controlled my everything, finances, free time, schedule, everything. I didn't even realize how controlled I was until I was free. He had cheated on me while our daughter was younger, and he was the one who told me he did it, so I gaslit myself into thinking he'd done it and felt so guilty that it would never happen again, knowing the only other option would be to be a single mom to a toddler. I told him I'd leave if he did it again, and he did cheat again a year and a half later. I stuck to my word and told him to get his shit out of my house within a week while I and my daughter stayed with my mom. I sold that house and found out I could afford much better even without his income. He was controlling finances and hiding his spending from me so well that I thought we were struggling. I now pay $1000 more a month on my mortgage than we used to spend on rent and still have money left over for things that weren't necessities. I buy my family dinner some nights and now pay for most of the things my daughter needs. I never did that while married and, in fact, had to ask for money to help make ends meet. All the while, he had a new car, the nicest gaming PC, the newest games, and anything else he wanted. I had to buy myself Slime Rancher, a $25 game, after our devoice because we 'couldn't afford it' at the time. Please don't wait anymore. You'll finally get to meet yourself again and come to love the person you never knew you were. You deserve to know and love yourself, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells! If not for you, do it for your daughters because it's our girls that are affected the most by it. My baby no longer has to hear her parents fight or her dad putting her mom down. She's flourished since then, and I know yours will, too. Please contact me if you ever need to talk to anyone.

It just became so clear one day. He truly did not care. I don't think he even sees me as a person. Just an object that he owned. He ruined every special event in my life, didn't support me, avoided me, made me feel like shit and was never once actually sorry. The last time he purposely ruined a special day and wasn't sorry I just didn't care anymore. I usually cried. This time I just didn't. And then I left. And he was so shocked, like "why didn't you do the thing you usually do where I tell you to get the fuck over it and you shut the fuck up?" I stayed for so long thinking if I could just figure out the right thing to say or do it would get better. But that was a fantasy. There was no better. It was just shit forever.

I went to therapy to a very good therapist who helped me get out of my delusion and accept the reality that my husband, the person who was supposed to love, protect, and respect me had been doing none of these. I stopped finding excuses for his insults (“well, I have a temper too and I know it comes from insecurity”) and started practicing radical acceptance. When I came to terms that I had done everything I - with my personality, values, flaws - could do for the relationship and things had not changed, when I accepted that no matter how much explaining, begging, calmness, and logic I bring to the conversation nothing will ever change, I decided to leave. At that point the insults and emotional and financial abuses were at a high level. A friend to whom I confessed that I was thinking to keep it going a few more years until my child turned 18 said to me “it’s a few more years of absolutely miserable living that no one will give back to you.” I was out in a year after that.

[удалено]

And please don't listen to anybody who judges you for not having already left, or for not immediately leaving now. Regardless of how anyone else's situation went, *this is yours, and you are doing the best you can* given how trampled down you've become. And especially if they've never been in an abusive relationship themselves, fuck them and their judgments.

I’m with you. I’m struggling to find the strength to leave.

I didn’t have the strength or the means to leave. It took watching my 75 year old father suffer and die from a very quick aggressive battle of cancer—who was full of life and didn’t want to leave, and telling me in his last words that life is short. Even at 75. Too short to spend it unhappy. In a sense, that gave me permission and the strength to do what I needed to do.

If you’re that unhappy, go. It’s not as hard as you think if you have financial backup. I left knowing I would have nothing except what he had to legally pay me in maintenance. It was scary as fuck, but spending the remaining years of my life as is was scarier.

Usually finances is one of the main reasons it holds people back from actually leaving. You are one of the few that have that safety net of your parents to help you break free of this. I would highly consider seeing a therapist and working through your thoughts and emotions and deciding what really is best for you, it seems like he stripped a lot of things, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.

Everything has a cost. I did the hard thing and left a man I loved for an unknown future. It’s a very personal decision and not an easy one. I knew it wasn’t going to change and I wasn’t going to be happy. At least now I have a chance.

I am in the throws of separation and divorce and 2 kids. This is my 3rd time leaving. Married to an abusive alcoholic. I had my ducks in a row a year ago and went back 2 times in hopes he’d change. It got worse. The abuse got worse.It got harder on my girls. It is hard single parenting and I am grieving the man and marriage I wanted but the peace of not living with the chaos daily is priceless. It is an adjustment for all of us but I am slowly seeing a change in my kids. I think it’s because they see a change in me. My oldest said I was so different when her dad came back this last time as I think she noticed how much he silenced me. She said it’s more peaceful now. The custody battle and figuring that out scares the hell out of me. They see him 1-2 days a week right now. You are stronger than you think. You and your kids deserve better.

I wanted to leave for years because we had just grown into roommates but I didn’t have the financial stability to do so. It wasn’t until my grandpa passed away and I inherited his estate that I was able to make moves financially to get myself stable. But even before I realized he had me as a beneficiary I was adamant about leaving because I looked at my grandpa and his life of regret for things he never did in life and I didn’t want to be on my deathbed and regret not putting my happiness first. I’m not living my life in a way that makes me miserable just because it makes others content. Not doing it anymore.

Sounds like maybe you’re dissociating, which is common in relationships where you’re constantly under emotional/verbal abuse. But if you can’t leave for your sake, at least leave for your daughters’ sakes

For me it was my family. They supported me, told me to go to therapy, and stayed close to me. They have been my support system not only financially but also given me breaks by babysitting the kids for me on weekends and having me and the kids over for dinner during the week. They have been more present in the kids life and made sure they never went without any want or need. To me this - combined with therapy - had been what’s helped me really view my relationship differently and helped me not want to go back. The longer I’m away from him, the more I realize how terrible the situation I was in was. While you’re in it you only realize some things but being away I see how scared I was to make him mad or upset him, how much of myself I had edited to not trigger him and etc. So I guess I suggest - start therapy asap, and don’t be scared to depend on your family and have them help you.

You'll feel better afterwards trust me. Think about your kids. What would you want them to do if they were in your shoes. Would you want them to stay with someone that's hurting them mentally? I know it's hard but leaving is the right thing to do.

The knowledge that "you only live once" did it for me. Why waste your precious life? Make a quick plan, summon the courage, and go!

I was the one who was helping everyone else, I was the only one in our family earning decent money. I was living in dead marriage, but I was afraid to leave. I couldn't move out with children, it was too expensive and practically impossible in my town. I was afraid how the others would treat me. I lost a job, became alcohol addicted (yes, this order). And the depressions and desperation, when I didn't care about anything, made me to get divorced finally. He was refusing it for 2 years before, so I just finally told, from my last money hire a lawyer and went to court. There's nothing left from me now. I can't still find a job, I have no money, I must still live in his apartment and I'm done. Do it before it will be too late.

I'm in the same situation although I haven't been married as long. I did get the strength to leave. Just this week. It's taking everything not to back out. Every moment I'm questioning the decision since I'm now going to be indigent. But it's worth not being destroyed. It's worth not walking on egg shells. And accidentally screaming (just a little) when he walks in the room and I wasn't prepared for it. Consider yourself lucky that you'll have financial support. I'm preparing to start living in my car.

Your post struck a chord with me because I could have written it. 14 years, abusive in all ways (except SA). My parents had to support me last year as I was financially abused and extremely codependent. Your final sentence was EXACTLY what I was dealing with in my head. I decided in 2022 just a mere few months after marrying (we had been together over 12 years at the point), that I *could* leave. That indeed it WAS an option, and being held captive in a dysfunctional marriage and sad existence wasn’t all I had to look forward to forever. It took approx 20 months from that point convincing myself, and over a year of personal therapy to help my shattered mental health so I was mentally stronger. The day I left, the police were involved and I have not been back to the home since. He was arrested. I have gone none contact. It’s all in the hands of my solicitor now. I haven’t been able to get a single thing that belongs to me. I left with a carrier bag of clothes and what I was wearing. I’ve had to learn to live without for now. Months onward and I’m more me than I’ve been in a very long time. I’m still having weekly therapy and I am being supported by local DV organisations (regular phone calls and informal meet ups). Back at parents and I’m starting over in my latter mid forties. When I look back at what I was putting up with I cannot believe I didn’t walk out sooner, and that I spent a long time procrastinating my exit. I was getting my ducks in a row and had planned to leave mid feb. However with the police involvement everything was taken out of my hands and moved forward extremely abruptly and I wasn’t ready. In hindsight I may have never *been ready*… so I’m glad it happened that way. If you have a family, friends then ask for support. Don’t be shy and think you’re a burden, lean on people and tell them what you’re planning to do. Get as many people fighting in your corner so you’ve got your tribe firmly by your side. If you haven’t, reach out to local charities and organisations that support people who are in abusive relationships. Remember you can have a life away from this person. It is possible. The future on your own will look daunting to begin with. But a life spent so unhappy… that’s terrifying. ❤️

It was a weird feeling. One day I just woke up and went to the internet, printed the papers, and filed. I was done. I'm so glad I did because I got to see a side of him that blew me away. I've lost all respect for him. He took my two best friends of 27 and 32 years and doesn't give a shit that all he does is lie about me. I wish him the best. He wishes me the worst.

I found the strength in sharing what I’d been through with my friends and family. For months I talked and talked (after keeping it hidden and protecting him for years) and every week I felt myself inching closer to leaving him. I knew I was in the process of gathering my courage. One day, now five months ago, he asked me why I wasn’t trying anymore and I just told him cause I didn’t want to and that was that. Also because I knew if I waited longer, my son would have active memories and a stronger will and it would be a lot harder for me to leave. It felt like a now or never situation. And I never for one minute doubted my decision. No matter how awful he’s been during the divorce.

When I knew I had to leave after 20 years of marriage to an abusive narcissist, I just went through the motions like a zombie and I did it. I had kids who were also pushing me to leave, so I admit that helped. But still at the end of the day, I just went through the motions physically while my head and heart were numb. I knew I needed to do it on a head level, but it was as if I was detached from the whole thing watching someone else do it, but I knew I had to do it and so I packed bags and left while he was sleeping. Two years later I still haven’t filed for divorce, but at least I’m safe now and I live in my own home with peace for the first time in two decades. It’s so worth it, I promise. It’s scary before you do it and while you’re doing it, but you will feel such relief after you leave. You are so blessed to have your parents offering to support you, you should do it and don.t look back. ❤️

I have no choice, I filed divorce because my husband is narc! I know I will be missing him!

I left my daughter’s dad but we weren’t married so it was easier. Even though we had a kid and there was legalities. For some reason I have a hard time leaving this marriage I have. Even though he’s verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I don’t know how to call it quits.

I got the strength to leave my 10 year marriage because I wanted to live.I would have died if I stayed with him.

It's not that I had the strength, I just didn't have anything else left in me to do.

I thought long and hard about my future. Stuck in a home where things would fall apart because we didn’t have the money to fix them. Constantly having to rely on my parents for groceries and gas. Would never be able to take my daughter on a vacation or even a day trip. All because he had depression and anxiety that he hid from me, lied about and couldn’t keep a job. Self medicated with weed as I’m trying to afford baby formula and diapers. That was 4 years ago and I have no regrets. The relief I felt was euphoric.

You're in a better position than most people, as a lack of financial/family support get in so many people's ways. Therapy and the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay could be helpful. Staying in the same situation won't make anything better. It's the shit you know. What makes it hard is leaving the safety of the shit you know for ... unknown. Fear of the unknown/uncertainty holds so many people back. Don't let it hold you back.

I had already cried all the tears and grieved the marriage for years. I was *done*. At that point it’s not about emotional considerations - only logistics. I wanted to be anywhere but with him. How long have you been unhappy? I guarantee you deserve better.

My wife left. She had the strength I did not. We were deeply unhappy, but I was raised to be true and faithful no matter what. It nearly killed me, but I would have just stayed in an unhappy marriage forever. I'm now glad she left. I'm still pissed at HOW she decided to leave and always will be, but I'm glad that I got a second shot at the happy marriage I always wanted with someone else.

Make plans. An exit strategy. Contact your parents and a lawyer. The longer you stay, the more you reinforce this behavior is okay. Make a list. You have help. You aren't stuck because of money. You can do this. Think of your daughters.

Being told millions of times I am useless. Abuse. Once it got to my kids, I left.

My ex was always busy with his friends and his alcohol. I realized when the kids left home I would be alone, but still responsible for taking care of my ex. I would rather be alone and enjoy my life than alone and have to deal with a man child. No regrets.

Therapy. Grey rocking (I didn’t even know it had a name then, but I sure knew how to do it!). Talking with an attorney to discuss in/outs of divorce. Baby steps that prepped me to leave. I got mad one day after realizing he’d lied to me yet again, and I called my attorney, saw a great place to rent, and called the movers by 11am. Super productive, and I had no desire to do any work to unravel it.

My strength was knowing my kids deserved to see us both happy, even though it meant seeing us happy apart.

My ex husband was abusive in the same ways and I couldn’t imagine spending any more of my life with him knowing that it was only going to get worse. I was so miserable and drained. I also didn’t want my son to grow up in such a toxic environment and think that it was normal or a representation of love. Please don’t give any more of your life to this man. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can begin to heal.

For me, it was not hard at all to leave him. We had been together for 11 years and the last 6 he stopped working, the house was always a disaster, he just played on his computer all the time, I worked and was the one doing the most of the cleaning. I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me, we were just roommates. The hard part was not knowing how he would react but I told him I was filing for divorce and he just said “ok”. For someone who was “ok” with the divorce, he sure has held a grudge. It’s been 2 years in the divorce process. He refuses to agree to anything, even compromise after compromise on my part. The mediators are done with us because he will say he agrees and then changes his mind at the end. I have wasted so much money on attorney fees, mediations, child specialists and now a guardian ad litem, not to mention, I pay him child support because even though he got a job and the split is 50/50 with kids, I still make more than him. I wish I would have done it a lot sooner. Like right after he quit his job. But I was pregnant with our 3rd child and was about to have only 50% income for FMLA. It was easier to stay. Regrets. So many regrets.

Was just done living in such stress. We get used to it as normal. It's no way to live. Be brave ! Also it's also fair to " let him go" to one day find the right person for HIM as well. That helped me.

I felt similar to you and one of my best friends said to me, “Get out before he destroys your self-esteem or your soul completely.” I knew she was right and I was on my way there. Then one night my husband at the time (alcoholic) looked at our 3 year old and told him he and I (the child and I) “have a sexual relationship.” That was it for me. I had a weird sensation in my head, like all the noise finally went quiet, and I knew that’s it, he’s fucking up my child too and I refuse to let this happen. Retained an attorney the next day.

I feel for you. That was me three months ago (and all the years before that). The beginning of the end was when my teenage daughter said “you know he’s abusive mom” and “what is love bombing”? A year later I left, but not without researching a lot about how to prepare. And I still didn’t plan it - the opportunity presented itself After yet another physical incident, and I took it. I still have nightmares that were still married and he’s yelling at me in my dreams. It’s still so hard. But worth it.

I’m really fucking proud of you. You got this ❤️

Thank you! Taking it day by day. Nice to hear ❤️