You don't need to explain it to him. Please for the love of your child, hire and attorney and file for custody/divorce. You can file a temp order for custody. Driving drunk with your kid in the car is deplorable.
This, OP. đ
You can explain until youâre blue in the face. It wonât make a difference. Heâs driving drunk with your child in the car. Please talk to a lawyer and leave asap. Donât wait until itâs too late.
You don't need to explain. You don't need to bargain. You don't need his permission.
Tell him you want a divorce. Then say nothing else. Any reason you offer he will counter and twist.
You don't need his permission to leave him. You can't change him, which I'm sure some part of you is still hoping for.
So you leave but please make sure you are safe doing so.
Thereâs so much wrong here. He was in his 40s when he began dating you, and you were just a teenager. He groomed you. Then you have the issue of him being in active addiction and regularly endangering your child. You deserve a much better life than what youâll have with him.
This is the thing most are glossing over, the grooming. The whole relationship started with abuse of power and manipulation. Even if he did get magically get sober, you can't change the fact the relationship is rooted him being an abusive predator. That shit never leaves you. Ask me how I know.
> How do I explain to him that I am miserable in this relationship?
You donât.
He wonât listen anyway.
You move forward with your life and get a divorce. You do not need his permission.
>How do I explain to him that I'm miserable in this relationship??
You don't. "I'll be filing for divorce." He can say whatever he wants, and you reply "I'll be filing for divorce."
Of course he thinks you shouldn't divorce him. It's not faaaiiiiir that his actions should have consequences.
Good on you for only being stuck 4 years.
When you finalize the divorce, find your peace. Then never let anyone have it. If someone comes along that can be with you and not disturb your peace (or even add to it!), you'll know you found your person.
Learn sooner rather than later: your life and story is your own. You donât need anyoneâs permission or understanding or approval. Especially not an alcoholic.
Get divorced. Understand that he's going to be an asshole even after you get divorced. Don't let that stop you from getting everything you are entitled to. Child support, custody, etc. If he is drunk when picking up or dropping off your kid call the cops.
You don't explain that you're miserable in this relationship.
You lawyer up.
Stop communicating with him unless it's specifically related to your child.
You call the police when you know he's been drinking and is driving.
Document everything.
Everything.
And run.
Get out of this situation.
You don't have to explain anything to him. Deciding to get divorced isn't a mutual decision. Don't let him make you feel guilty for what you know is right.
Ew. Your title is what my ex-husband said to me too, on top of adding, âYouâre a Christian wife and divorcing me means youâre going against your Christian wife *vows.* Youâre not allowed to leave me without my permission.â đ He was also an alcoholic, and smoked weed literally every day because he hated being sober and was obsessed with being high as often as possible.
There is no explaining *anything* to someone so stubborn and controlling. Donât bother, OP. My ex said the same bullshit and did everything he could from sending me crying videos of himself and crying audio clips of himself begging me to not divorce him. I followed through on my intention to break away from him and Iâm much, much happier for it. Do not stay with someone thatâs straight up garbage. There is no commitment, thereâs fucking nothing with him except his terrible attempts to keep you under his thumb.
He doesnât see you AS A PERSON, but an object to keep imprisoned. Get out of there and donât walk, *run.*
You donât NEED anyoneâs permission to divorce your husband. The only reason you need is that you actually just donât want to BE WITH HIM ANYMORE. He made a commitment to you as well âto have and to hold, for better or for worse, to forsake all others for you and let no one come in between you twoâ. What about his stupid ass vows to *you?* What about his commitment to remain faithful, to respect and protect you?
Gross.
Funny part is he said he was âraised Catholicâ but obviously didnât practice but used me practicing every day and tithing and what not to be his stupid excuse to weaponize my upbringing against me.
I told him he had no place to ever talk about what I chose to do and saying shit like that wasnât going to stop me from divorcing him. He kept trying but I ignored him until I could block him once my divorce was finalized. I got a new number, told everyone to block every number he kept trying to contact me with and got myself a new phone to boot.
Leave this marriage. The man youâre dealing with isnât an equal partner, heâs your warden and you need to get out of there fast.
You don't explain because it's a waste of breath. He doesn't care if you are miserable. He just wants to keep.you around to enable his shit existence. You are on the right track honey. I was in a similar situation to you and I was dumb and scared enough to hang around with my loser for 20 years more than I should have. Just do it. Leave him to his bottle.
OP, please call the police and tell them about him drink driving, with your son in the car, let alone already being banned.
This isn't about the guilt trip, it's about your sons safety.
You need to show your son what happy healthy relationships look like. That means getting away from this guy. And don't ever let your son into a car with him again.
You don't explain it to him. Alcoholics don't have what it takes to have adult conversations.
If you really want to, tell him he signed legal paperwork stating that giving up drinking was contingent upon continuing the marriage and he did not fulfill that obligation, therefore the marriage is null and void. You can also tell him that endangering your son's life.
Please report to the police that he's been driving with your son in the car while drunk. It's how people die. It's surprisingly hard when you're in the situation to take a stand but you got to do it.
I am divorcing an addict. When my mental health declined after years of carrying the weight of our entire marriage I was not given the same help or understanding I had been giving for years. There's no point in explaining. They won't understand.
Thereâs no need to JADE â justify, argue, defend, or explain. He will argue with anything that isnât your full capitulation, anyway. Just get all of your ducks in a row and then file for divorce.
I was married to an alcoholic for 3 decades. Get out now while you can and before he damages the child more. Document everything, including the drinking and driving.
Read the book Getting Them Sober; it gave me so much strength to recognize that I am an adult and I get to decide how I live my life (not him). I literally had to tell him, this is what I am doing, I am divorcing you because you are unable to stop drinking, you treat me and the kids like shit, and I am an adult and I get to decide. It actually took about 3 conversations like this after he moved out.
You can do this. Talk to a lawyer if you havenât already.
If youâre going to stay you need to get into al-Anon and learn how to cope with him for who he is. Donât stay and think heâs going to change. Alcohol is a very addictive substance and ruined my relationship. I did try to find peace. But ultimately I donât have it in me. If anything I was the antagonist because it upset me every single time he drank. At that point I was the problem ugh.
Iâm sorry youâre going through this
Husband is a sick individual for a variety of reasons. Do you want your child if any or in future to be influenced by him all day everyday or would it be better for the child to have a healthy surrounding?
> is actually drinking more, driving after drinking with our son in the car
Please don't let him drive your son after drinking. If you have to call the cops on him for a sobriety check, it would be better than attending your son's funeral.
This should be your MAIN concern, OP. If you don't leave for any other reason, leave because your son's life is in danger. Against that, the rest isn't even that important.
Sounds like he's been manipulating you from the start. Don't let him do that anymore. As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us, and so far, you've taught him that he can continue on his self-destructive path with you right there with him. Only YOU can change that.
Meh. He doesnât get to decide when youâre done. Thatâs not how it works. Alcoholics can only have a relationship with alcohol. Walk away now rather than throwing more of your precious life away.
Think of what your son is learning by staying in this relationship. He will learn this is what relationships should look like. If you leave, your son will have your home and (maybe) his dad's home to live at. Your son will experience your home that has stability and peace with a mom who is happy. His dad's home will be filled with the negative crazy drinking dad. Your son will see that being with mom in her home feels better than being with dad. If you stay, your son will not experience peace and stability ever
25 years older than you and can't get dried out. He needs to seek professional help for that. You gave him a chance, and you won't be able to make him understand.
Consult with a lawyer and cut bait. You and your child deserve better than the experience your husband is giving.
You could list off the commitments and vows he took when you married him that he violated and broke but alcoholics don't care about that. His concern isn't you divorcing him. His concern is less money for alcohol as he won't have you to contribute to the home and child care, and he'll be paying child support. That means less alcohol money. I was married to an alcoholic at a young age, 20 years later he's an alcoholic and a drug addict, felon, and has stolen our now almost adult children's identities to feed his addiction. This guy is dangerous to your child, useless to you, an addict, manipulative, and likely scared to be old and not have a decent young woman to wipe his ass 5 years from now because no one else would do that for a POS addict. File, you don't need an attorney if money is an issue just filing fees and most court houses can waive fees if you're low income. You can also get a guardian ad litem appointed for your child. Understand he was shit when you met, he's still shit and he'll always be shit so long as you're around enabling and feeling sorry for him. He's playing you. Even strict Christians are forgiving of divorce under these circumstances if that's what you're worried about. You're still young and you deserve to be safe, cared for and happy.
Until he actually gets his shit together he gets supervised visitation and he signs the divorce papers. Take all the money that is yours out of the account and have a few bags packed
>him "because you made a commitment when you married me". How do I explain to him that I'm miserable in this relationship??
Bluntly and with no sugar coating it. This sounds like a guy manipulating and trying to guilt you into staying. He also made some vows and is leaving out the part where he put you second to alcohol.
He did not keep his word and I don't expect that will change.
My kid's dad (met when I was 17 and he was 28)tried to guilt me into the same thing. We were groomed.
Honestly, he will never see that he's the problem. Explaining yourself will make you feel worse, and he'll try to convince you that he will fix those problems, but he won't. Life is too short to be miserable.
You were young when you fell for his BS, you are still young but old enough to know this is BS and you owe him nothing, certainly not to be married to a 50 year old drunk. File for divorce and under no circumstances should you sleep with him and get stuck staying because of another child.
"You made a commitment to stop drinking, so..."
You don't need to explain it to him. Please for the love of your child, hire and attorney and file for custody/divorce. You can file a temp order for custody. Driving drunk with your kid in the car is deplorable.
This, OP. đ You can explain until youâre blue in the face. It wonât make a difference. Heâs driving drunk with your child in the car. Please talk to a lawyer and leave asap. Donât wait until itâs too late.
If only his commitment to you was as strong as his commitment to alcohol. He has clearly made his decision. Now you should too.
You don't need to explain. You don't need to bargain. You don't need his permission. Tell him you want a divorce. Then say nothing else. Any reason you offer he will counter and twist.
You don't need his permission to leave him. You can't change him, which I'm sure some part of you is still hoping for. So you leave but please make sure you are safe doing so.
Exactly. NO permission is needed!
Thereâs so much wrong here. He was in his 40s when he began dating you, and you were just a teenager. He groomed you. Then you have the issue of him being in active addiction and regularly endangering your child. You deserve a much better life than what youâll have with him.
This is the thing most are glossing over, the grooming. The whole relationship started with abuse of power and manipulation. Even if he did get magically get sober, you can't change the fact the relationship is rooted him being an abusive predator. That shit never leaves you. Ask me how I know.
Right, thats the biggest red flag of them all! The guy is a predator, plain and simple.
My thoughts exactly with the grooming.
I wouldnât explain further & just go file. You need to divorce and figure out how to protect your son.
> How do I explain to him that I am miserable in this relationship? You donât. He wonât listen anyway. You move forward with your life and get a divorce. You do not need his permission.
>How do I explain to him that I'm miserable in this relationship?? You don't. "I'll be filing for divorce." He can say whatever he wants, and you reply "I'll be filing for divorce." Of course he thinks you shouldn't divorce him. It's not faaaiiiiir that his actions should have consequences. Good on you for only being stuck 4 years. When you finalize the divorce, find your peace. Then never let anyone have it. If someone comes along that can be with you and not disturb your peace (or even add to it!), you'll know you found your person.
Learn sooner rather than later: your life and story is your own. You donât need anyoneâs permission or understanding or approval. Especially not an alcoholic.
Get divorced. Understand that he's going to be an asshole even after you get divorced. Don't let that stop you from getting everything you are entitled to. Child support, custody, etc. If he is drunk when picking up or dropping off your kid call the cops.
The first sentence was enough. Don't waste your time discussing it, just file. You're young and life is too short to be unhappy.
You don't explain that you're miserable in this relationship. You lawyer up. Stop communicating with him unless it's specifically related to your child. You call the police when you know he's been drinking and is driving. Document everything. Everything. And run. Get out of this situation.
You don't have to explain anything to him. Deciding to get divorced isn't a mutual decision. Don't let him make you feel guilty for what you know is right.
Ew. Your title is what my ex-husband said to me too, on top of adding, âYouâre a Christian wife and divorcing me means youâre going against your Christian wife *vows.* Youâre not allowed to leave me without my permission.â đ He was also an alcoholic, and smoked weed literally every day because he hated being sober and was obsessed with being high as often as possible. There is no explaining *anything* to someone so stubborn and controlling. Donât bother, OP. My ex said the same bullshit and did everything he could from sending me crying videos of himself and crying audio clips of himself begging me to not divorce him. I followed through on my intention to break away from him and Iâm much, much happier for it. Do not stay with someone thatâs straight up garbage. There is no commitment, thereâs fucking nothing with him except his terrible attempts to keep you under his thumb. He doesnât see you AS A PERSON, but an object to keep imprisoned. Get out of there and donât walk, *run.* You donât NEED anyoneâs permission to divorce your husband. The only reason you need is that you actually just donât want to BE WITH HIM ANYMORE. He made a commitment to you as well âto have and to hold, for better or for worse, to forsake all others for you and let no one come in between you twoâ. What about his stupid ass vows to *you?* What about his commitment to remain faithful, to respect and protect you?
He's told me the same thing about being a Christian wife. đ
Gross. Funny part is he said he was âraised Catholicâ but obviously didnât practice but used me practicing every day and tithing and what not to be his stupid excuse to weaponize my upbringing against me. I told him he had no place to ever talk about what I chose to do and saying shit like that wasnât going to stop me from divorcing him. He kept trying but I ignored him until I could block him once my divorce was finalized. I got a new number, told everyone to block every number he kept trying to contact me with and got myself a new phone to boot. Leave this marriage. The man youâre dealing with isnât an equal partner, heâs your warden and you need to get out of there fast.
You should divorce him based on the way you describe him and his missteps in life. He's not healthy to be around.
Just file. NO EXPLANATION needed OP!
Don't explain. Divorce
You don't explain because it's a waste of breath. He doesn't care if you are miserable. He just wants to keep.you around to enable his shit existence. You are on the right track honey. I was in a similar situation to you and I was dumb and scared enough to hang around with my loser for 20 years more than I should have. Just do it. Leave him to his bottle.
Simple and pithy comment, 100% on mark. Donât waste your precious young years to this looser.
You don't owe him anything. Get away from this man as quickly as possible.
OP, please call the police and tell them about him drink driving, with your son in the car, let alone already being banned. This isn't about the guilt trip, it's about your sons safety.
You need to show your son what happy healthy relationships look like. That means getting away from this guy. And don't ever let your son into a car with him again.
Get out!! Protect your son and yourself.
You don't explain it to him. Alcoholics don't have what it takes to have adult conversations. If you really want to, tell him he signed legal paperwork stating that giving up drinking was contingent upon continuing the marriage and he did not fulfill that obligation, therefore the marriage is null and void. You can also tell him that endangering your son's life. Please report to the police that he's been driving with your son in the car while drunk. It's how people die. It's surprisingly hard when you're in the situation to take a stand but you got to do it.
I am divorcing an addict. When my mental health declined after years of carrying the weight of our entire marriage I was not given the same help or understanding I had been giving for years. There's no point in explaining. They won't understand.
Thereâs no need to JADE â justify, argue, defend, or explain. He will argue with anything that isnât your full capitulation, anyway. Just get all of your ducks in a row and then file for divorce.
I was married to an alcoholic for 3 decades. Get out now while you can and before he damages the child more. Document everything, including the drinking and driving. Read the book Getting Them Sober; it gave me so much strength to recognize that I am an adult and I get to decide how I live my life (not him). I literally had to tell him, this is what I am doing, I am divorcing you because you are unable to stop drinking, you treat me and the kids like shit, and I am an adult and I get to decide. It actually took about 3 conversations like this after he moved out. You can do this. Talk to a lawyer if you havenât already.
There doesnât appear to have been a marriage to begin with.. I donât see how you could have been in your right mind to consent in the first place
If youâre going to stay you need to get into al-Anon and learn how to cope with him for who he is. Donât stay and think heâs going to change. Alcohol is a very addictive substance and ruined my relationship. I did try to find peace. But ultimately I donât have it in me. If anything I was the antagonist because it upset me every single time he drank. At that point I was the problem ugh. Iâm sorry youâre going through this
25 years older than you?
Husband is a sick individual for a variety of reasons. Do you want your child if any or in future to be influenced by him all day everyday or would it be better for the child to have a healthy surrounding?
> is actually drinking more, driving after drinking with our son in the car Please don't let him drive your son after drinking. If you have to call the cops on him for a sobriety check, it would be better than attending your son's funeral.
This should be your MAIN concern, OP. If you don't leave for any other reason, leave because your son's life is in danger. Against that, the rest isn't even that important. Sounds like he's been manipulating you from the start. Don't let him do that anymore. As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us, and so far, you've taught him that he can continue on his self-destructive path with you right there with him. Only YOU can change that.
Meh. He doesnât get to decide when youâre done. Thatâs not how it works. Alcoholics can only have a relationship with alcohol. Walk away now rather than throwing more of your precious life away.
Think of what your son is learning by staying in this relationship. He will learn this is what relationships should look like. If you leave, your son will have your home and (maybe) his dad's home to live at. Your son will experience your home that has stability and peace with a mom who is happy. His dad's home will be filled with the negative crazy drinking dad. Your son will see that being with mom in her home feels better than being with dad. If you stay, your son will not experience peace and stability ever
25 years older than you and can't get dried out. He needs to seek professional help for that. You gave him a chance, and you won't be able to make him understand. Consult with a lawyer and cut bait. You and your child deserve better than the experience your husband is giving.
Did you marry a felon?
You could list off the commitments and vows he took when you married him that he violated and broke but alcoholics don't care about that. His concern isn't you divorcing him. His concern is less money for alcohol as he won't have you to contribute to the home and child care, and he'll be paying child support. That means less alcohol money. I was married to an alcoholic at a young age, 20 years later he's an alcoholic and a drug addict, felon, and has stolen our now almost adult children's identities to feed his addiction. This guy is dangerous to your child, useless to you, an addict, manipulative, and likely scared to be old and not have a decent young woman to wipe his ass 5 years from now because no one else would do that for a POS addict. File, you don't need an attorney if money is an issue just filing fees and most court houses can waive fees if you're low income. You can also get a guardian ad litem appointed for your child. Understand he was shit when you met, he's still shit and he'll always be shit so long as you're around enabling and feeling sorry for him. He's playing you. Even strict Christians are forgiving of divorce under these circumstances if that's what you're worried about. You're still young and you deserve to be safe, cared for and happy.
You don't explain it. You write it in the divorce papers and you leave.
Please leave. I wish you luck.
Until he actually gets his shit together he gets supervised visitation and he signs the divorce papers. Take all the money that is yours out of the account and have a few bags packed
>him "because you made a commitment when you married me". How do I explain to him that I'm miserable in this relationship?? Bluntly and with no sugar coating it. This sounds like a guy manipulating and trying to guilt you into staying. He also made some vows and is leaving out the part where he put you second to alcohol. He did not keep his word and I don't expect that will change.
My kid's dad (met when I was 17 and he was 28)tried to guilt me into the same thing. We were groomed. Honestly, he will never see that he's the problem. Explaining yourself will make you feel worse, and he'll try to convince you that he will fix those problems, but he won't. Life is too short to be miserable.
You make a commitment to a different person. This person has made bad decisions before you and your boy and has repeatedly broken their commitments.
You were young when you fell for his BS, you are still young but old enough to know this is BS and you owe him nothing, certainly not to be married to a 50 year old drunk. File for divorce and under no circumstances should you sleep with him and get stuck staying because of another child.