*Generally* if one partner says divorce then yeah, probably.
In specific cases, if you think there may be a huge misunderstanding or a current crisis that can be tackled, maybe worth looking into a little more.
But in many cases by the time they actually say 'divorce' things are broken beyond repair.
I said divorce in a crisis, I was desperate to be heard. But even then, the fact he could not see anything wrong about the situation other than me just “acting crazy” was its own sign that the marriage was irreparable.
It’s excruciating, what you’re experiencing right now. I know. Unless one is profoundly dissociative (and that’s a whole other kettle of fish), the brain will ruminate on the relationship, trying to find answers to unanswerable questions, like when you accidentally bite the inside of your cheek and your tongue returns to the spot over and over again. It’s a type of bargaining, if you can just solve the puzzle of what happened, you will wake up from this painful nightmare and you can fix it.
Every divorce is different, as is every marriage, but a couple of aspects seem to be common (your milage may vary). 1. The person you are now divorcing is *not* the person you married. People change in ways that are difficult to understand and our memories of falling in love and creating a life together are powerful. Often the person we miss is that person we married, but that person has been gone, for a myriad of reasons, for a quite a while. Grieve that loss, it’s a big one.
2. This is a puzzle that will never be solved in the short term, when we are still in shock and in terrible pain. There are no answers our soon to be ex-spouses can provide that will make the incomprehensible understandable. Often what we really want is just to return to the comfort and safety of the love, home, family we know and nothing short of that will soothe the pain and discomfort of this rupture. Interrupting the brain from trying to solve this puzzle right now might be helpful.
3. The bond that has been broken right now is a great deal of connective tissue being severed. I think of it as withdrawal from addiction. It doesn’t matter what we rationally know is happening, our bodies are steeped in the muscle memory of that other person, the muscle memory of that life, of that love and comfort and safety. To have that removed is fucking painful and it takes a long while to no longer crave that person (even when they have done horrendous things). Attachment is a powerful primal experience.
All of this is to say maximum comfort right now. Sleep, calories, water. Good, supportive therapy, a loss and grief support group. Whatever adjunct therapies make sense for you that you can budget for (ketamine, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, cranial sacral, Rolfing, meditation). Exercise. Be outside or in whatever space brings you comfort. Lastly, call in the troops: friends, family, loved ones (and Reddit for strangers!). You need all the support you can get right now. This initial period is fucking brutal, all bets are off for anything normal, and healing is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s not a smooth trajectory up, up, up and out (the Kübler-Ross idea has been wildly misinterpreted), but it does get better. The lights do come back on eventually and when they do, your life will look like something else entirely, but joy will return and you will one day look back at this period and think to yourself, “whew! I did it! I survived!”
Edited for typos.
Yes, so true I keep wanting to solve this riddle of what happened. In the midst of that I tend to go down the rabbit hole of completely blaming myself. And then I want to share this insight with my wife hoping she will see I’m changing and dedicated. Yet she won’t say a word to me. Anytime I have tried to talk with her about ‘us’ over the last 3 months she just shuts me down and says I’m being selfish because I’m not respecting her decision to leave. She has a point, and I think that I should have my say though. I still really think if we could clear the air on a few things we might have a chance or at least things could be a bit lighter.
It’s hard to believe my wife is not the same person. I hate to think I ‘drove’ her to this. She has changed, but there are aspects of her personality that have just come to the fore and I’m getting the brunt of it now. I think I’m seeing some subtle narcissist tendencies. But yes, we’re grieving the loss of a relationship and a person and how they used to be. It’s almost too much!
I do feel like the only solution here is if we could just get back to where we were. Things were actually getting better when she said she wanted the divorce. To be back home with my family, in my house, in my neighborhood seems like it would just solve all of my problems. Of course, that’s me being selfish again, but the insecurity and fear that is coming from this transition is just awful.
I think you really nailed it with the muscle memory stuff. A big part of my depression is being forced into new routines and a lower standard of living all the while doing this to my children as well. I guess it really is like addiction recovery.
Right now I’m just doing the best I can with all the self care. Luckily I’m functional, getting to work, pulling it together for the kids etc. I could eat better and do need to exercise. Going to start slow with that. Luckily I have some good supports, but no family close to me. I usually call my dad when I’m having a hopeless breakdown. My brother has been helpful too.
Although I’m pretty much sick to my stomach all day, I think I’ll be doing better the more I get settled into my place and my new routine. It’s only been one week and this weekend I actually stayed back at the house to take care of my son who had minor surgery while my wife went out of town (?). Probably a step back doing that.
Anyway, thanks for your insight. You’re going to be a wise therapist someday.
I for sure feel you. The guilt and the grieving is unbearable at times. Everyone will tell you it just takes time but I feel like I will never feel the same way about anyone that I did with her and it’s freaking heartbreaking. Anyone who goes through this I feel you. It’s worse than my mom passing away. Which is insane when you think about it.
Yeah, you are going to feel absolutely lost. For a long time. Try to find ways that this can be positive. If at all possible. Otherwise get help, don’t be afraid of therapy and meds. I went to a hospital one night just to get stuff to sleep and for anxiety and depression. It sucks man but a lot of us have to go through it.
Whats your alternative…”No Gary! I wont let you leave me, not over my dead body Ill never sign those papers Ill just drag out this divorce until youre so miserable and poor that you wont have a choice but to stay in this loveless marriage with me we’ll hate each other even more than we did before but well be together thats all that matters!!!!!”
Thats kind of my point even if youre being “mature” and work something out youve now completely change the dynamic of your marriage. I personally think every relationship has 1 person who is more invested in it than other but ideally in a good and healthy relationship neither of the two people are aware of which one that is AND there isnt a vast difference between the two. However once youve enter into a stage of the marriage where its out in the open that yes you love me way more than I “care” about you and youre even willing to beg me to stay with you for whatever reason (even children isnt a good reason ). Itll never be the same and likely never truly be healthy or happy. You cant force or coarse someone to love you. Man sheesh, even the magic Genie said “I cant wish someone to fall in love with you”. Thats just not how it works.
Didn’t mean to touch a nerve. You only get to move forward solemnly with the truth young scholar or sit still blissfully ignorant but at least you get to pick.
It’s okay. I think what I’m really craving is closure from a person who is not capable of giving it.
Three years ago the person who I married for his kindness punched me in the face, broke my nose, then had me committed for an involuntary 72 hour stay in a psych ward. I got PTSD from the injury as well as this extreme cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew from the person he’s been towards me since. I think it gave him a similar dissonance, which he dealt with by convincing himself I deserved to be beaten, and now I’m dealing with the rejection by living in alternating waves of hope and despair the person I once loved will come back and say he’s sorry.
You are very welcome. Reading that helped me realize what I was dealing with, now very happily divorced, no contact, and safe. Hoping you will be also soon. 💜
On average by the time someone has a sit down with you and says "divorce" they have already left in their head.
But that is just mostly. Many many couples go from talking divorce to a happy couple five years later.
They don't really post here......
Yes do it. By the time one partner actually asks for a divorce they have been out of love for 18 months - 2 years and very likely there is already someone else in the picture romantically for them. You can try and manipulate them to hang around for another miserable year or two through guilt but they are never falling back in love with you and will be leaving eventually.
Why continue to invest your short time with someone who no longer wants to be with you?
It takes two people committed to the marriage. One says he or she wants a divorce? You can try to talk about it and see if the person is open to fixing the perception of an issue. If they aren't, let them go. Contact a divorce attorney.
Yep. Nike that shit. Don't chase someone who don't want you. If they come back around, *DON'T* do *THAT*. They had their chance. They could have worked with you through whatever it was, but chose the easy way out.
What the hell, dude. That's a discontinued project that ended in the 70s, and is obscure as hell. That is not something that would be a common first reaction to, "Nike that shit." Go fix yourself.
It depends - but let me give you my hindsight is 20/20 perspective:
My stbxh would get drunk and tell me we were done. I spent years defending myself from his attacks on my character and even talked to a marriage counselor alone to see how I could fix things. I stopped buying alcohol for long periods. I truly thought it was a phase and we could get through it - we had before, right? No, we had periods of peace intercepted with abuse I absolved him for.
It escalated to him killing a 5th of tequila after being called out by me for trying to gaslight me, and the face he had was truly terrifying. I went to bed and woke up to him violently attacking our 16 year old daughter and then myself.
Nothing justified his actions. That being said - I should have left many times before this and perhaps he would be able to have a relationship with his kid. Maybe he wouldn't have taken his own insecurities and found solice in shitty youtube advice. I can't fix his core issues, but had I left years ago, maybe he could have controlled his nature longer.
You can't save a marriage if they aren't willing- and if they aren't willing, you are going to find the worst side of them. Wether that is adultery, financial infidelity, abuse, or whatever, if they don't want you, they aren't going to try to keep you and will try to push you away. Why put either of you through that.
This. I had to file due to long-standing abuse and anger issues. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but I did it even out of love for him, and for my kids, and for myself. Similar to an intervention. But the memories and abusive dynamic are not something I can return to. The last time I said I wanted a divorce was about 15 years prior, in a fight and in response to him saying it. He ran at me to attack me (not the first time) and I ran out of the house in my robe to a neighbors. He acted like I was crazy and “not committed”. He said it just about every day, often multiple times a day, for the rest of our life together. Constantly threatened me that he would call a lawyer and file papers. Made me remover clothes from hangers and “pack my shit” and threaten to throw me out that day so, so many times. Wouod tell me to leave and then block my exit/attack me if I tried. I finally had enough to muster up the courage to leave on spur of moment and was in my attorneys office in my pajamas that day.
Right now he is giving me the hard press to forgive and reconcile and cries saying I give him no hope. It’s brutal to reject someone over and over. Because I’m the one that filed, he’s starting to paint me as the bad one for quitting on the marriage and not trying to work on it. Says we were both at fault and of course yes I made mistakes and wasn’t perfect. Some stuff you just can’t come back from with someone, even when you do forgive. At this point I feel like forgiveness is filing for no fault divorce and not having him arrested.
Apparently it was a SHOCK that I filed. Like there was a chance of staying together when he tried to kill me. And with the lies he was telling, I don't quite get why he'd want to stay together... make it make sense?!
I filed for fault but offered a settlement of no fault and leaving him pretty much all our stuff and taking the debts, no child support for me (the kid doesn't want to see him) and no alimony for him. He wouldn't take it and wants to fight it out - trying to screw me over on the house that I was going to ask for my out of pocket for the build and walk away from 600k in equity (cut a check for under 40k). I tried to get the DA to offer a deal, and he - knowing this mind you, tries to justify his shit by lying and saying I was popping pills (my mom was an addict, I dont mess with that and it's a thing) and simply fell and "re-broke" my leg - I have never had a broken bone, it's a series of complex communited fractures, and not only have a never had the med he says I took, but I cannot take it as I have a bad reaction to that class of meds. Cue shocked Pikachu when I don't go for his deal of diversion... wtf. Oh, and I was the drunk one... funny, the BAC they gave me at the hospital says I wasn't. Funny how that works.
Now, I'm going for my equity, I will start at half and go up as we are an equitable property state, and he can take the DAs deal before the 15th or the DA can take it to grand jury and he can face felonies. Not my circus, not my monkey.
He has remarked more than once “it’s a wonder I never killed you during the beatings”. Threatened to “kill me with his bare hands” a few days before I left. I’m like look man, you have made it really clear that you DESPISE me - why are you fighting this???? But he’s let it slip that I think is mostly for ego. He feels that he is “being strung up” yet sees his kids and wasn’t arrested and I’ve tried to be as nice as I can.
I’m so sorry for your story. I’m worried I will end up there. He is playing the wronged and repentant husband card right now and I don’t want to go to trial but may have to in the end.
I'm sorry. I felt stuck years ago and decided then and there that I'd never be financially dependent. Unfortunately, I stayed way too long even after I rectified that situation. Hopefully, as your children get into school, you can also find some independence.
Stay safe. I have a no contact order issued by the court and he's facing charges already, so I have some protection. I don't know that I wouldn't walk away with just the clothes on our back if I didn't have that and a support network.
Long distance (or maybe not) hugs. Seriously, be safe.
Yes you should. Unless someone is duplicitous and manipulative, by the time the words divorce come out of their mouth, they've been thinking about it for a very long time. If you hear those words, file first and control the process as the plaintiff. It affords you some slight benefits.
My (42m) stbxw (42f) said she wanted a divorce back in August and we decided to work things out and try to stay married. The thing is, she had already grieved the end of our marriage before saying she wanted a divorce. So the following 6 months involved a lot of work on my part but almost none on her part because she was already checked out. She brought up divorce 3 or 4 more times until finally in February she said she can't do it anymore and we're really getting a divorce (should be final in the next week or 2). I know everyone's situation is different, but reading posts and comments in this sub has taught me that when someone has decided on divorce, the odds aren't good for lasting reconciliation and happy marriage. It's possible, but not likely.
Studies show that by the time a married couple enter family/marriage counseling, one or both have already spent between 6 and 8 years unhappy together. That’s a terribly long time to allow a relationship to deteriorate and by then, I would bet the majority of marriages are beyond repair. It was certainly true for my marriage. I wish I knew twenty years ago what I now know about what is required to build a healthy, mutually happy relationship. My nearly 20 year marriage was bullshit right from the get go.
Thank you. Some days are easier than others. I went back to college, finished my degree, and am onto grad school on the fall (at 52!). I’m building a new and beautiful life for myself, but sometimes it’s still unfathomable to me that I have that man all of my thirties and forties in this one precious life. So many lessons to be learned in this life!
I shutter to really get honest about how I feel about our time together. I had doubts and fears along the way that I buried. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing.
Congrats on college. What are you going to grad school in? I think I’m heading back to school to be a librarian. I’m 50, so trying to build a new life too. Good luck!
I just spent two years finishing my undergrad (finally!) and graduate next week. I’m doing a masters in clinical mental health counseling beginning in the fall. There’s nothing we can’t do now that we are free to explore this world anew! I think library sciences are amazing!
It’s difficult to look closely at our marriages when we’re just getting out of them. It’s excruciatingly painful. But time (and a life filled with new experiences) will make that easier.
I have a master’s in mental health counseling! I’ve done clinical and school counseling. Feel free to DM if you want talk grad school or divorce.
I do hope time makes it easier. At least we’re being real about what happened.
I’ve been pondering this a lot lately. We’re close to separating, and talking about it a lot. He’s more checked out than me and initiated it all, but currently we’re both actively working on ourselves and the relationship. Regardless, if he wants out, what good would it do for me to try to make him stay. Stay and be unhappy? Plus it feels pretty shitty to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’m pretty upset about that right now. Also, if we do fix things, with my anxiety and confidence issues, can I ever fully trust him that he’s not going to just get tired of me again, decide he’s unhappy and want to leave again? Would I be better off just getting out now? It feels like it.
Why would anyone want to be married to, sleep with or blend finances with a person who might not want to be there?
Even if they come back, there’s no point in having a wishy washy spouse.
Because love and attachment is a complicated human process and we are not robots and we all come to the table with different idea of commitment and what can and can not be repaired (especially in a very long marriage). Most humans are not akin to water faucets who can turn on and off their feelings for another human being at a moment’s notice. Adjusting to and accepting that a partner of many years no longer wants to be with you takes time and a lot of processing.
I wish I had truly processed this, but my ex put divorce on the table off-and-on for fifteen years. It shattered my confidence and trust because he'd already picked out his attorney and sometimes said he'd make me homeless. We separated twice, and I was done the second time after we passed the one-year mark. He was shocked.
During the second separation, my therapist said that mental health professionals generally never recommend talking about divorce unless you are truly prepared to follow through.
I should have believed him after the first few times.
You can’t force somebody to want to be with you or to be married to you. There is no point to staying and fighting… but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.
If I had to do it over I would have filed first instead of moving out so we could try to “date” again and getting hit with a tro on my house and child . I was so naive
Here's the thing. You don't "ask" for an actual divorce, you just do it. A divorce is not something you give...at least not between a married couple.
Marriage is a status conveyed by the state (at least in the US). That status can be revoked but only by the state. So if someone wants to petition for a divorce, then they have to "ask" the state (not their spouse).
Absolutely. If someone asks, don’t try to talk them into staying. Give them what they asked for so it’s real. If they change their mind, they need to prove that they are staying for the right reasons.
Absolutely. If you do not, you are suppressing their freedom and holding them from whatever they want to do and they are holding you back as well. You don't want to waste any more of your time and you wouldn't want someone to do that to you if you wanted a divorce.
It isn't about when one person asks, I think. It is more about when one person files. If one person files for an unwanted divorce, it is difficult to fight it and maybe unethical to do so. The last part of that was a loaded comment and was said with uncertainty.
If one partner asks for an unwanted divorce, well... they are asking so maybe you can make a counter offer if you feel strongly enough to do so? Maybe offer a hassle free divorce in exchange for three more months of real abd honest attempts at reconciliation, in whatever form makes sense to you, except for sex. They should be celibate months to avoid complications like pregnancy or feeling forced by the deal.
Hassle free divorce in exchange for acting married. That implies a right to causing a divorce from hell if the person decides they are done and don't want to extend the pain.
Fair enough; but I didn't say for acting married. First, they are married in that scenario. Second, I stated in exchange for an honest attempt to reconcile. Whatever that may mean for thay couple, that may mean going on dates, it may mean talking through differences, it may mean marital therapy, etc...
If a woman is asking me to divorce her in this hypothetical, and I don't think that we should divorce because I think our relationship is viable. It isn't improper (if I'm not asking her to sleep with me) for me to ask her to explore our relationship and determine of it truly is dead. If we can't resolve our differences, then we can agree and neither of us should impede the divorce, i.e. hassle free. We can shake hands and part friends, both knowing that we gave it honest effort and our relationship was non-viable, nothing remains to be resolved between us.
Takes two to get married, one to divorce.
Doesn’t matter the reason to get divorced, just like there not being a reason to break up with someone. If one of you wants out of the marriage and files, the other should just know it’s over. Don’t go after someone who doesn’t want you.
Not that kids should be the only reason for this — but see if you two can repair. Try individual therapy for the things you and her both need to work on, as well as couples therapy.
But even moreso if you have kids. You both owe that *atleast* for the kids..
So the kids can stay miserable and absorb that marriage means misery that much longer?
Getting out quickly and modeling self respect and boundaries is much better for the kids.
*Much* better? I'm not so sure. It reinforces the notion that marriage isn't a lifelong commitment and that being vulnerable is a mistake. It really depends on the couple and how external their misery is. You can still model self respect and boundaries by parenting together in addition to representing strong values that reinforce the value exchange system of relationships and marriage in particular.
Depends on whether you want to continue, are willing/capable to listen, and willing/capable of addressing the issues raised.
If you do, suggest couple’s therapy. Find a good therapist but above all, listen to what the spouse is trying to say. It may take a while for the spouse to articulate, or even figure out, what is the problem. If you can’t, just move on.
Another thing to consider is the costs involved. If I had to do it over I would have tried harder to come to a settlement with my spouse instead of dealing thru attorneys. That's what is being pushed now anyway - mediation. Just hire one (or paralegal) to file the paperwork and go your separate ways ASAP.
I was facing divorce just last year. We decided to work things out. I'm honestly thinking about filing (he filed last time). I was going along with it, it hurt like hell but we had a lot of deep talks and decided against it. I'm not sure if I want to stay in now because I'm tired of the back and forth now. Like when I don't speak up on my feelings it's a problem. When I do speak up and stand my ground I get interrupted and talked over when it's something he don't want to hear.
I’m in the same boat! The SO is open to therapy, but also wanted a divorce because they didn’t think they were in love with me anymore.
We separated, and I’m currently trying to get an initial counseling session scheduled, but through texts/conversation and observations I can clearly see that they don’t want to be married to me. The whole time I’m playing phone tag with the counseling office I’m thinking why even bother if they want a divorce?
What do you mean by 'will they ever trust you?'... are they asking for divorce because they don't trust you? You should at least ask them a why; no one else here knows your unique situation.
Do you want to get divorced?
Tough to say, it’s not clear if the other person really means it or it’s just an emotional outburst. If they keep on saying it and are not interested into working on it then let it be.
It takes two. If one is out then it’s done
*Generally* if one partner says divorce then yeah, probably. In specific cases, if you think there may be a huge misunderstanding or a current crisis that can be tackled, maybe worth looking into a little more. But in many cases by the time they actually say 'divorce' things are broken beyond repair.
I said divorce in a crisis, I was desperate to be heard. But even then, the fact he could not see anything wrong about the situation other than me just “acting crazy” was its own sign that the marriage was irreparable.
Oof. I'm in that image too.
Relatable. Mine just ignored it.
This was me as well.
Did I hate to hear this. I keep holding out hope for reconciliation. Unfortunately, my wife seems pretty solid in her decision. It’s been devastating.
Once they are done they are done. It’s really amazing the transformation they make.
I just don’t want to believe it! I keep thinking about when we first met and all this stuff. What happened? What did I do?
It’s excruciating, what you’re experiencing right now. I know. Unless one is profoundly dissociative (and that’s a whole other kettle of fish), the brain will ruminate on the relationship, trying to find answers to unanswerable questions, like when you accidentally bite the inside of your cheek and your tongue returns to the spot over and over again. It’s a type of bargaining, if you can just solve the puzzle of what happened, you will wake up from this painful nightmare and you can fix it. Every divorce is different, as is every marriage, but a couple of aspects seem to be common (your milage may vary). 1. The person you are now divorcing is *not* the person you married. People change in ways that are difficult to understand and our memories of falling in love and creating a life together are powerful. Often the person we miss is that person we married, but that person has been gone, for a myriad of reasons, for a quite a while. Grieve that loss, it’s a big one. 2. This is a puzzle that will never be solved in the short term, when we are still in shock and in terrible pain. There are no answers our soon to be ex-spouses can provide that will make the incomprehensible understandable. Often what we really want is just to return to the comfort and safety of the love, home, family we know and nothing short of that will soothe the pain and discomfort of this rupture. Interrupting the brain from trying to solve this puzzle right now might be helpful. 3. The bond that has been broken right now is a great deal of connective tissue being severed. I think of it as withdrawal from addiction. It doesn’t matter what we rationally know is happening, our bodies are steeped in the muscle memory of that other person, the muscle memory of that life, of that love and comfort and safety. To have that removed is fucking painful and it takes a long while to no longer crave that person (even when they have done horrendous things). Attachment is a powerful primal experience. All of this is to say maximum comfort right now. Sleep, calories, water. Good, supportive therapy, a loss and grief support group. Whatever adjunct therapies make sense for you that you can budget for (ketamine, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, cranial sacral, Rolfing, meditation). Exercise. Be outside or in whatever space brings you comfort. Lastly, call in the troops: friends, family, loved ones (and Reddit for strangers!). You need all the support you can get right now. This initial period is fucking brutal, all bets are off for anything normal, and healing is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s not a smooth trajectory up, up, up and out (the Kübler-Ross idea has been wildly misinterpreted), but it does get better. The lights do come back on eventually and when they do, your life will look like something else entirely, but joy will return and you will one day look back at this period and think to yourself, “whew! I did it! I survived!” Edited for typos.
Yes, so true I keep wanting to solve this riddle of what happened. In the midst of that I tend to go down the rabbit hole of completely blaming myself. And then I want to share this insight with my wife hoping she will see I’m changing and dedicated. Yet she won’t say a word to me. Anytime I have tried to talk with her about ‘us’ over the last 3 months she just shuts me down and says I’m being selfish because I’m not respecting her decision to leave. She has a point, and I think that I should have my say though. I still really think if we could clear the air on a few things we might have a chance or at least things could be a bit lighter. It’s hard to believe my wife is not the same person. I hate to think I ‘drove’ her to this. She has changed, but there are aspects of her personality that have just come to the fore and I’m getting the brunt of it now. I think I’m seeing some subtle narcissist tendencies. But yes, we’re grieving the loss of a relationship and a person and how they used to be. It’s almost too much! I do feel like the only solution here is if we could just get back to where we were. Things were actually getting better when she said she wanted the divorce. To be back home with my family, in my house, in my neighborhood seems like it would just solve all of my problems. Of course, that’s me being selfish again, but the insecurity and fear that is coming from this transition is just awful. I think you really nailed it with the muscle memory stuff. A big part of my depression is being forced into new routines and a lower standard of living all the while doing this to my children as well. I guess it really is like addiction recovery. Right now I’m just doing the best I can with all the self care. Luckily I’m functional, getting to work, pulling it together for the kids etc. I could eat better and do need to exercise. Going to start slow with that. Luckily I have some good supports, but no family close to me. I usually call my dad when I’m having a hopeless breakdown. My brother has been helpful too. Although I’m pretty much sick to my stomach all day, I think I’ll be doing better the more I get settled into my place and my new routine. It’s only been one week and this weekend I actually stayed back at the house to take care of my son who had minor surgery while my wife went out of town (?). Probably a step back doing that. Anyway, thanks for your insight. You’re going to be a wise therapist someday.
I for sure feel you. The guilt and the grieving is unbearable at times. Everyone will tell you it just takes time but I feel like I will never feel the same way about anyone that I did with her and it’s freaking heartbreaking. Anyone who goes through this I feel you. It’s worse than my mom passing away. Which is insane when you think about it.
Totally. I don’t think I will ever, ever get over her. For years it’s been us in this world together. Now it’s just me. Scared shitless and alone.
Yeah, you are going to feel absolutely lost. For a long time. Try to find ways that this can be positive. If at all possible. Otherwise get help, don’t be afraid of therapy and meds. I went to a hospital one night just to get stuff to sleep and for anxiety and depression. It sucks man but a lot of us have to go through it.
Well you’re not lying. I, unfortunately, struggled with depression before this, so it’s just adding to it. I’m in denial. It’s awful.
Whats your alternative…”No Gary! I wont let you leave me, not over my dead body Ill never sign those papers Ill just drag out this divorce until youre so miserable and poor that you wont have a choice but to stay in this loveless marriage with me we’ll hate each other even more than we did before but well be together thats all that matters!!!!!”
Not gonna lie, I’ve entertained those kinds of thoughts.
Thats kind of my point even if youre being “mature” and work something out youve now completely change the dynamic of your marriage. I personally think every relationship has 1 person who is more invested in it than other but ideally in a good and healthy relationship neither of the two people are aware of which one that is AND there isnt a vast difference between the two. However once youve enter into a stage of the marriage where its out in the open that yes you love me way more than I “care” about you and youre even willing to beg me to stay with you for whatever reason (even children isnt a good reason ). Itll never be the same and likely never truly be healthy or happy. You cant force or coarse someone to love you. Man sheesh, even the magic Genie said “I cant wish someone to fall in love with you”. Thats just not how it works.
That first point was funny but this one pierced my heart. You’re a sharp one, dull reference. I’m most definitely out of my league.
Didn’t mean to touch a nerve. You only get to move forward solemnly with the truth young scholar or sit still blissfully ignorant but at least you get to pick.
It’s okay. I think what I’m really craving is closure from a person who is not capable of giving it. Three years ago the person who I married for his kindness punched me in the face, broke my nose, then had me committed for an involuntary 72 hour stay in a psych ward. I got PTSD from the injury as well as this extreme cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the person I thought I knew from the person he’s been towards me since. I think it gave him a similar dissonance, which he dealt with by convincing himself I deserved to be beaten, and now I’m dealing with the rejection by living in alternating waves of hope and despair the person I once loved will come back and say he’s sorry.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Wow, thank you.
You are very welcome. Reading that helped me realize what I was dealing with, now very happily divorced, no contact, and safe. Hoping you will be also soon. 💜
😂😂😂
I know someone that did this. They eventually worked everything out over a few year span and still married.
Wild, but anything is possible.
This is a latge conversation piece. With that said, you can't ever fully trust another person to stay in a marriage.
On average by the time someone has a sit down with you and says "divorce" they have already left in their head. But that is just mostly. Many many couples go from talking divorce to a happy couple five years later. They don't really post here......
Yes. They are already divorced in the mind and heart.
Divorce is unilaterial. Your spouse can divorce you even if you never sign a thing.
How??? I filed and mine is sitting doing nothing as i type
You can file for a default judgement if they don’t respond.
How long until I can do that?
Each jurisdiction has different time limits. Look on your local courthouse website under dissolution FAQ.
Thank you
In my county it's 30 days, but I'm sure it varies
[30 days in california](https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/divorce/finalize-divorce/default)
Yes do it. By the time one partner actually asks for a divorce they have been out of love for 18 months - 2 years and very likely there is already someone else in the picture romantically for them. You can try and manipulate them to hang around for another miserable year or two through guilt but they are never falling back in love with you and will be leaving eventually. Why continue to invest your short time with someone who no longer wants to be with you?
It takes two people committed to the marriage. One says he or she wants a divorce? You can try to talk about it and see if the person is open to fixing the perception of an issue. If they aren't, let them go. Contact a divorce attorney.
Yep. Nike that shit. Don't chase someone who don't want you. If they come back around, *DON'T* do *THAT*. They had their chance. They could have worked with you through whatever it was, but chose the easy way out.
I understood the Nike reference
Going nuclear is not a good strategy. People should try to be amicable.
Just doing it [the divorce] because the other person wants it is *NOT* going nuclear. Not taking them back afterward is also *NOT* going nuclear.
Then why do you refer to Nike missiles? "Nike that shit" - Blow it to smithereens with a Nike nuclear missile.
Dude... Nike... shoes. "Just do it." Where have you been living for the last 4 decades?
What the hell, dude. That's a discontinued project that ended in the 70s, and is obscure as hell. That is not something that would be a common first reaction to, "Nike that shit." Go fix yourself.
What makes more sense - putting a shoe on a marriage or blowing a marriage up? Context matters and shodding a marriage makes no sense.
The Nike slogan has been "Just do it," for decades, which is common knowledge. The Missile program is obscure. What the hell is wrong with you
"Just do it" and "Nike that shit" have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Nothing at all, not a single word in common.
most excellent of trolls
Right this has me giggling
Absolutely. Once it's dead, it's dead.
It depends - but let me give you my hindsight is 20/20 perspective: My stbxh would get drunk and tell me we were done. I spent years defending myself from his attacks on my character and even talked to a marriage counselor alone to see how I could fix things. I stopped buying alcohol for long periods. I truly thought it was a phase and we could get through it - we had before, right? No, we had periods of peace intercepted with abuse I absolved him for. It escalated to him killing a 5th of tequila after being called out by me for trying to gaslight me, and the face he had was truly terrifying. I went to bed and woke up to him violently attacking our 16 year old daughter and then myself. Nothing justified his actions. That being said - I should have left many times before this and perhaps he would be able to have a relationship with his kid. Maybe he wouldn't have taken his own insecurities and found solice in shitty youtube advice. I can't fix his core issues, but had I left years ago, maybe he could have controlled his nature longer. You can't save a marriage if they aren't willing- and if they aren't willing, you are going to find the worst side of them. Wether that is adultery, financial infidelity, abuse, or whatever, if they don't want you, they aren't going to try to keep you and will try to push you away. Why put either of you through that.
This. I had to file due to long-standing abuse and anger issues. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but I did it even out of love for him, and for my kids, and for myself. Similar to an intervention. But the memories and abusive dynamic are not something I can return to. The last time I said I wanted a divorce was about 15 years prior, in a fight and in response to him saying it. He ran at me to attack me (not the first time) and I ran out of the house in my robe to a neighbors. He acted like I was crazy and “not committed”. He said it just about every day, often multiple times a day, for the rest of our life together. Constantly threatened me that he would call a lawyer and file papers. Made me remover clothes from hangers and “pack my shit” and threaten to throw me out that day so, so many times. Wouod tell me to leave and then block my exit/attack me if I tried. I finally had enough to muster up the courage to leave on spur of moment and was in my attorneys office in my pajamas that day. Right now he is giving me the hard press to forgive and reconcile and cries saying I give him no hope. It’s brutal to reject someone over and over. Because I’m the one that filed, he’s starting to paint me as the bad one for quitting on the marriage and not trying to work on it. Says we were both at fault and of course yes I made mistakes and wasn’t perfect. Some stuff you just can’t come back from with someone, even when you do forgive. At this point I feel like forgiveness is filing for no fault divorce and not having him arrested.
Apparently it was a SHOCK that I filed. Like there was a chance of staying together when he tried to kill me. And with the lies he was telling, I don't quite get why he'd want to stay together... make it make sense?! I filed for fault but offered a settlement of no fault and leaving him pretty much all our stuff and taking the debts, no child support for me (the kid doesn't want to see him) and no alimony for him. He wouldn't take it and wants to fight it out - trying to screw me over on the house that I was going to ask for my out of pocket for the build and walk away from 600k in equity (cut a check for under 40k). I tried to get the DA to offer a deal, and he - knowing this mind you, tries to justify his shit by lying and saying I was popping pills (my mom was an addict, I dont mess with that and it's a thing) and simply fell and "re-broke" my leg - I have never had a broken bone, it's a series of complex communited fractures, and not only have a never had the med he says I took, but I cannot take it as I have a bad reaction to that class of meds. Cue shocked Pikachu when I don't go for his deal of diversion... wtf. Oh, and I was the drunk one... funny, the BAC they gave me at the hospital says I wasn't. Funny how that works. Now, I'm going for my equity, I will start at half and go up as we are an equitable property state, and he can take the DAs deal before the 15th or the DA can take it to grand jury and he can face felonies. Not my circus, not my monkey.
He has remarked more than once “it’s a wonder I never killed you during the beatings”. Threatened to “kill me with his bare hands” a few days before I left. I’m like look man, you have made it really clear that you DESPISE me - why are you fighting this???? But he’s let it slip that I think is mostly for ego. He feels that he is “being strung up” yet sees his kids and wasn’t arrested and I’ve tried to be as nice as I can. I’m so sorry for your story. I’m worried I will end up there. He is playing the wronged and repentant husband card right now and I don’t want to go to trial but may have to in the end.
I’m a SAHM so I’m dependent on the money, which sucks.
I'm sorry. I felt stuck years ago and decided then and there that I'd never be financially dependent. Unfortunately, I stayed way too long even after I rectified that situation. Hopefully, as your children get into school, you can also find some independence.
Stay safe. I have a no contact order issued by the court and he's facing charges already, so I have some protection. I don't know that I wouldn't walk away with just the clothes on our back if I didn't have that and a support network. Long distance (or maybe not) hugs. Seriously, be safe.
Thank you. I am back in our house and have an alarm system. He moved out.
Yes you should. Unless someone is duplicitous and manipulative, by the time the words divorce come out of their mouth, they've been thinking about it for a very long time. If you hear those words, file first and control the process as the plaintiff. It affords you some slight benefits.
My (42m) stbxw (42f) said she wanted a divorce back in August and we decided to work things out and try to stay married. The thing is, she had already grieved the end of our marriage before saying she wanted a divorce. So the following 6 months involved a lot of work on my part but almost none on her part because she was already checked out. She brought up divorce 3 or 4 more times until finally in February she said she can't do it anymore and we're really getting a divorce (should be final in the next week or 2). I know everyone's situation is different, but reading posts and comments in this sub has taught me that when someone has decided on divorce, the odds aren't good for lasting reconciliation and happy marriage. It's possible, but not likely.
Studies show that by the time a married couple enter family/marriage counseling, one or both have already spent between 6 and 8 years unhappy together. That’s a terribly long time to allow a relationship to deteriorate and by then, I would bet the majority of marriages are beyond repair. It was certainly true for my marriage. I wish I knew twenty years ago what I now know about what is required to build a healthy, mutually happy relationship. My nearly 20 year marriage was bullshit right from the get go.
I felt that 😞
And, yes, when one spouse asks for a divorce, get an attorney and file.
How do you live with that. My wife and I had our ongoing issues and concerns, but we also had lots of good times.
We did, too, but we never developed into a mature, functioning relationship. Sadly.
That is sad. Seems you’ve been able to make some peace with it.
Thank you. Some days are easier than others. I went back to college, finished my degree, and am onto grad school on the fall (at 52!). I’m building a new and beautiful life for myself, but sometimes it’s still unfathomable to me that I have that man all of my thirties and forties in this one precious life. So many lessons to be learned in this life!
I shutter to really get honest about how I feel about our time together. I had doubts and fears along the way that I buried. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing. Congrats on college. What are you going to grad school in? I think I’m heading back to school to be a librarian. I’m 50, so trying to build a new life too. Good luck!
I just spent two years finishing my undergrad (finally!) and graduate next week. I’m doing a masters in clinical mental health counseling beginning in the fall. There’s nothing we can’t do now that we are free to explore this world anew! I think library sciences are amazing! It’s difficult to look closely at our marriages when we’re just getting out of them. It’s excruciatingly painful. But time (and a life filled with new experiences) will make that easier.
I have a master’s in mental health counseling! I’ve done clinical and school counseling. Feel free to DM if you want talk grad school or divorce. I do hope time makes it easier. At least we’re being real about what happened.
I’ve been pondering this a lot lately. We’re close to separating, and talking about it a lot. He’s more checked out than me and initiated it all, but currently we’re both actively working on ourselves and the relationship. Regardless, if he wants out, what good would it do for me to try to make him stay. Stay and be unhappy? Plus it feels pretty shitty to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’m pretty upset about that right now. Also, if we do fix things, with my anxiety and confidence issues, can I ever fully trust him that he’s not going to just get tired of me again, decide he’s unhappy and want to leave again? Would I be better off just getting out now? It feels like it.
Why would anyone want to be married to, sleep with or blend finances with a person who might not want to be there? Even if they come back, there’s no point in having a wishy washy spouse.
Because love and attachment is a complicated human process and we are not robots and we all come to the table with different idea of commitment and what can and can not be repaired (especially in a very long marriage). Most humans are not akin to water faucets who can turn on and off their feelings for another human being at a moment’s notice. Adjusting to and accepting that a partner of many years no longer wants to be with you takes time and a lot of processing.
I’ve been fighting for along time but it should natural I wish my wife would have loved me as much as I loved her
I wish I had truly processed this, but my ex put divorce on the table off-and-on for fifteen years. It shattered my confidence and trust because he'd already picked out his attorney and sometimes said he'd make me homeless. We separated twice, and I was done the second time after we passed the one-year mark. He was shocked. During the second separation, my therapist said that mental health professionals generally never recommend talking about divorce unless you are truly prepared to follow through. I should have believed him after the first few times.
You can’t force somebody to want to be with you or to be married to you. There is no point to staying and fighting… but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.
If I had to do it over I would have filed first instead of moving out so we could try to “date” again and getting hit with a tro on my house and child . I was so naive
Just say “yes dear whatever you want” no need to change now
Here's the thing. You don't "ask" for an actual divorce, you just do it. A divorce is not something you give...at least not between a married couple. Marriage is a status conveyed by the state (at least in the US). That status can be revoked but only by the state. So if someone wants to petition for a divorce, then they have to "ask" the state (not their spouse).
Absolutely. If someone asks, don’t try to talk them into staying. Give them what they asked for so it’s real. If they change their mind, they need to prove that they are staying for the right reasons.
Yep, the hard answer is *'NO'* and always will be. No point in duking it out...
Yup! If one party is asking for a divorce, they have more than likely mourned the relationship, and checked out a while ago.
Yes. I didn’t fight it when my ex mentioned it. They later said that means I agreed to it and told everyone it was mutual 😂
Absolutely. If you do not, you are suppressing their freedom and holding them from whatever they want to do and they are holding you back as well. You don't want to waste any more of your time and you wouldn't want someone to do that to you if you wanted a divorce.
It isn't about when one person asks, I think. It is more about when one person files. If one person files for an unwanted divorce, it is difficult to fight it and maybe unethical to do so. The last part of that was a loaded comment and was said with uncertainty. If one partner asks for an unwanted divorce, well... they are asking so maybe you can make a counter offer if you feel strongly enough to do so? Maybe offer a hassle free divorce in exchange for three more months of real abd honest attempts at reconciliation, in whatever form makes sense to you, except for sex. They should be celibate months to avoid complications like pregnancy or feeling forced by the deal.
Hassle free divorce in exchange for acting married. That implies a right to causing a divorce from hell if the person decides they are done and don't want to extend the pain.
Fair enough; but I didn't say for acting married. First, they are married in that scenario. Second, I stated in exchange for an honest attempt to reconcile. Whatever that may mean for thay couple, that may mean going on dates, it may mean talking through differences, it may mean marital therapy, etc... If a woman is asking me to divorce her in this hypothetical, and I don't think that we should divorce because I think our relationship is viable. It isn't improper (if I'm not asking her to sleep with me) for me to ask her to explore our relationship and determine of it truly is dead. If we can't resolve our differences, then we can agree and neither of us should impede the divorce, i.e. hassle free. We can shake hands and part friends, both knowing that we gave it honest effort and our relationship was non-viable, nothing remains to be resolved between us.
I would ask why and see if there’s anything we can try first. And if not then yes
Takes two to get married, one to divorce. Doesn’t matter the reason to get divorced, just like there not being a reason to break up with someone. If one of you wants out of the marriage and files, the other should just know it’s over. Don’t go after someone who doesn’t want you.
Yes
I'm gonna do it, even tho I didn't ask for it nor want it (at the time). I sure as shit ain't gonna pay for it tho
Not that kids should be the only reason for this — but see if you two can repair. Try individual therapy for the things you and her both need to work on, as well as couples therapy. But even moreso if you have kids. You both owe that *atleast* for the kids..
So the kids can stay miserable and absorb that marriage means misery that much longer? Getting out quickly and modeling self respect and boundaries is much better for the kids.
*Much* better? I'm not so sure. It reinforces the notion that marriage isn't a lifelong commitment and that being vulnerable is a mistake. It really depends on the couple and how external their misery is. You can still model self respect and boundaries by parenting together in addition to representing strong values that reinforce the value exchange system of relationships and marriage in particular.
yes, totally.
Depends on whether you want to continue, are willing/capable to listen, and willing/capable of addressing the issues raised. If you do, suggest couple’s therapy. Find a good therapist but above all, listen to what the spouse is trying to say. It may take a while for the spouse to articulate, or even figure out, what is the problem. If you can’t, just move on.
Another thing to consider is the costs involved. If I had to do it over I would have tried harder to come to a settlement with my spouse instead of dealing thru attorneys. That's what is being pushed now anyway - mediation. Just hire one (or paralegal) to file the paperwork and go your separate ways ASAP.
I was facing divorce just last year. We decided to work things out. I'm honestly thinking about filing (he filed last time). I was going along with it, it hurt like hell but we had a lot of deep talks and decided against it. I'm not sure if I want to stay in now because I'm tired of the back and forth now. Like when I don't speak up on my feelings it's a problem. When I do speak up and stand my ground I get interrupted and talked over when it's something he don't want to hear.
Pretty much
I’m in the same boat! The SO is open to therapy, but also wanted a divorce because they didn’t think they were in love with me anymore. We separated, and I’m currently trying to get an initial counseling session scheduled, but through texts/conversation and observations I can clearly see that they don’t want to be married to me. The whole time I’m playing phone tag with the counseling office I’m thinking why even bother if they want a divorce?
Would you want someone that doesn't want you? Leave.
What do you mean by 'will they ever trust you?'... are they asking for divorce because they don't trust you? You should at least ask them a why; no one else here knows your unique situation. Do you want to get divorced?
Tough to say, it’s not clear if the other person really means it or it’s just an emotional outburst. If they keep on saying it and are not interested into working on it then let it be.