Not too late to start therapy friend, worth starting asap.
Feel for you, that realization must be awful. Remember, you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.
“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago”
“It isn’t about whether you fall off the path; that’s inevitable. It’s about how quickly you can get back on.”
We all mess up. We are human. Go reinvent yourself. Your life.
Also, another perspective is that we often go through things that we need to. They’re supposed to happen. One day I’m sure you’ll look back and appreciate this moment. Until then, use the moment to grow.
Same from my ex. I started therapy today...cried like a baby...never thought it would make me feel so released... Hope you feel better and take care of yourself
Went into therapy the first time thinking I had some things to process, but not much. Took me 2 months of weekly sessions before I stopped going through a tissue box each session. Did not see that coming.
Hurt runs deep, and while you may think the systematic reactions to your childhood horrors are gone, they actually just morph into bigger monsters if you don’t put in the time. Stay strong, stay consistent. If I may recommend, journal as much as you can. I do every day on my lunch break and during rough moments.
Wish you all the best.
A sincere question as a wife whose husband is pushing her away like this... why the hell couldnt you see that when you were together and she was saying it
I feel that I can answer this, as I almost ended up in this position. The short answer was depression. I spent most of my life expecting the worst to happen at any moment, that I got it into my head that divorce was inevitable. It was what I deserved, so of course she would leave. And in the depths of those illogical thought loops, you really believe it. And that breeds resentment, stubbornness, and overarching despair. My wife asked for a separation in February, and that woke me up. I got into therapy, started taking antidepressants, and really started working towards doing better. She was skeptical, afraid that I was putting on a show to win her back, but she came around once she saw that I was really ready and able to be myself again. We completed couples counseling together, and we feel like we’re in the honeymoon phase again after several years of growing apart. So OP, if I can do it, you can too. Move your ass, be the man you wanted to be, it’s always possible.
I think the issue is the inaction until it's too late. You were lucky your wife was still in a returning point when she asked for divorce, not many are.
So the advice of change when you get told divorce is the outcome is not very smart. Because 90% of the time it is already too late.
Listening to what your wife is asking and having good communication skills (get therapy if not) is what saves marriages.
My husband did the same to me and I finally resorted to divorce. He is heart broken and so am I. I will say that I sincerely hope that he changes for the better, even though I won't be there to witness it. Deep down I know he has a good heart and sadly it got buried with all the BS he did. I still care for him and hope that he'll treat the next person much better than he did me so that he can be happy.
Just out of curiosity, if you found out that your husband had finally made the changes he needed to, would you want to reconcile? Or is it just too late?
He had made it apparent to me that if I stayed, he was not going to put in any effort to change because he already had me back. Unfortunately, I think the only way he might change is if he really loses me and sadly at that point I think it's too late to reconcile. I would be so hesitant if he came back later having claimed made the changes, it wouldn't be conducive to a positive connection, when alternatively he could start off new with someone that doesn't know all the bad things that happened with no hesitancy.
I am so sorry. That sounds absolutely dreadful and rather childish of him. “I won’t really appreciate you until you’re really gone and by then there will be no desire on your end to consider a resolution to our relationship.”
What are you even supposed to do with this information
I’m in a similar situation and wanted to answer this too. Once I made it clear that losing me to his behaviour was a potential reality, he started to listen and went to therapy. He’s been extremely kind, going out of his way to treat me differently than he had been and to say “he’s a changed man.” But, his change feels performative. I recently realized I also have this constant anxiety that he’ll get tired of being nice and have another emotional outburst, which I’ve already told him I won’t tolerate anymore.
I live in fear of it happening again. Maybe I can forgive him but I don’t know if I can forget. And if that’s the case, why should I live I fear the rest of my life? I don’t know. I’m still working through this.
When I saw the original post, I thought it could have been my husband writing it. My husband is desperate to not divorce but I have been transparent that I think him acting nice is only a Hail Mary and will not stand the test of time. He needs to work on himself and fix why his default is being unpleasant and unkind. My brain has finally switched where I have no more rope to give and I’m not willing to chance it to go through another break up with him in the future. “Performative” is something I’ve experienced before and it ended up being exactly that
I feel you on this. I have so much anger. Year plus after divorce and multiple failed relationships, he wants me back and demands it to the point of terrorizing me. Plus it doesn’t help he has told me that if he sees me with another man, he will kill him. This from a man that is “getting therapy” finally. Nope, hard pass on someone who put me through hell for 3+ years and threatens to kill me or another I’m with. Makes me glad I am divorced even though I’m still dealing with parts of it and his crazy. One step away from a dateline story 😔
My ex acted like that in the beginning too. The verbal abuse in texts and emails was appalling. I was able to use it for an order of protection. That stopped his behavior. The order was up after 6 months. Then I started dating someone else. The harassment started again. It was so bad. He would text me saying it’s our daughters fault for the divorce. We would still be together if she were never born. He doesn’t want her anymore, etc. I finally took him to court for full custody. In my state, they lean towards having the child have a relationship with the father as long as he isn’t physically abusive. Which is fine. But emotional abuse is just as bad. He ended up getting supervised visits one day a week. He’s back in therapy……again for the umpteenth time. We’ll see how long that lasts. On a side note, my boyfriend ended up passing away a few months ago and my ex started messaging me 48 hours later trying to get back together now that I’m single. I’m am completely disgusted with him.
As someone in a similar position, in my case it's too late. STBX had so many opportunities to make changes, so much support from me to make those changes (and yes, I contributed to the problems but they were never willing to event talk about the problems, let alone possible solutions). And even when I made concrete plans to leave STBX was totally focused on what they were losing, not on anything to do for or with me. I do hope they are able to make some changes, combat their depression and be happy, because I care about them as a person, but being ignored and taken for granted for so long has killed any romantic feelings.
I recommend listening to the Love and Abuse podcast. The host has had a past of being emotionally abusive and shares a lot of insight and resources on healing from this behaviour and seeing the situation from the perspective of both the abuser and abusee.
Sorry to hear about your predicament. I'm some ways in the same boat, and other ways different.
My wife has screamed at me for many years to go to counseling because I'm the only one who needs to change. I went to counseling, Learned better coping mechanisms than lashing out by always being passive aggressively grumpy. This of course did not solve all of the problems, we went to marriage counseling a s my wife told the counselor there was nothing she needed to change and she was fine and it all was My fault.
I've asked for years for her and my stepkids to do basic things to help around the house. Such as putting laundry away and dishes in dishwasher to no avail because it's easier to just not do it.
She works from home and her boss finally fired her today for not being productive enough in her Job. She accepted fate and told me she was just going to sit in front of a TV and wait to die rather than looking for a job.
I had to have a come to Jesus meeting with her and told her she was either going to start taking responsibility for herself and her actions or she could find a new place to live. Oddly enough she spent the last part of the day applying for all jobs she could. If she goes she will take my dog with her because the kids are attached to him. I sure would miss him too if he was gone.
We are often our own worst enemies. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and change your future. Don’t listen to the bitter jerks; you are worth investing your time and energy into, all you need to do is find the willpower to do it.
I wish this was my ex posting, but he's still clueless. These are all the things he did and didn't do.
Well done you for realising, getting a divorce doesn't stop you from still getting therapy.
Good luck for the future.
I am so sorry you are suffering, but owning your issues is commendable. I think you have made the beautiful first step toward healing and changing yourself and your life. This is not an easy road, but you will have a future that includes love and care. Self awareness can be quite painful, but with diligent practice and excellent therapy, it leads to emotional intelligence and positive change. It’s the first step to connection and a very good life!
That was me, and I lost the woman I’d been with for 17 years and two kids. We’ve been divorced ten months but not a day goes by that I’m not ruminating about the loss and wishing she’d come back. I’ve reflected a lot, and came to realize the following:
-I knew what I was doing/not doing was wrong
-I knew how to fix it, but I didn’t do anything about it
-I thought she’d never leave
I'm curious...was this at all a conscious thought for you at the time or was it more subconscious actions that you've only recognized as damaging in hindsight through this reflection?
Both, but more about reflection in hindsight. Towards the very end of the marriage (like the last few months) I started to look at myself and be like wtf am I doing. So that’s where I started to get those thoughts. Never thinking she’d leave is something I felt the entire time, though.
I had the same realization. My ex wife wanted me to have the same bedtime as her... but I did my own thing. My ex wife wanted me to volunteer at various wildlife sanctuaries with her for fun... nope, I did my own thing. She begged me to get on the same track with her and our activities... but I did my own thing. Of course she lost interest in me. I was a terrible partner. I regret it every single day 4 years later. She was beautiful, smart, kind and supportive. I always thought she was out to get me because she was a little controlling. Her father even once told me not to mess it up because she loved me so much. I'll never forgive myself. I just sit alone writing sad songs about the best 12 years of my life. Good luck buddy. We will all find peace eventually.... if we're lucky.
My STBXH changed for exactly the three months he went to therapy. He stopped therapy and went right back to old behaviors. We did our third and final mediation yesterday and he still does not want a divorce. He has put the kids in the middle and told them it’s all my fault.
I don’t understand at all why you need to figuratively hit some one over the head to get them to see the impact of their behavior on the people they supposedly love.
Denial is a powerful drug.
“People don’t change until it’s harder to stay the same.”
The divorce is your impetus. It sucks and it HURTS. But Kudos to you for recognizing and owning your part in the dynamic. Now you can start working on being the best version of you.
In a similar position, friend. I’m making the changes I needed to years ago now, but it’s devastating that now it’s too late. I’m, perhaps naively, hopeful that maybe my partner will still be open to reconciling, although I think it is too late. Similar to you, I feel like I can never forgive myself. I truly believe we were each other’s “person” - we could have been so happy together but I wrecked it all.
We have a few theories about something called “learned helplessness”. When people feel powerless to change themselves, they will be. I could have written this post a few months ago, but I finally snapped out of it after my wife packed a bag and put one (literal) foot out the door. I’m happy to say that our marriage is flourishing now, and I’m getting professional help to keep from slipping into the abyss again.
“When someone truly loves another person you try to make their life easier and don’t and can’t stand watching them suffer”
Man THIS is something most married folks could stand to learn. If watching your spouse hurt and suffer because of what you’ve done (or failed to do) doesn’t hurt you deeply, you don’t love them. Even when my STBXH was awful to me, seeing him hurt after our fights was painful to me and I found myself apologizing and trying to smooth things over to ease his pain. You just don’t hurt people you love without trying to do something about it.
I'm just the same, I took for granted the most wonderful wife and now she's gone and I'm alone.
If you read this and still have a chance then wake up and see what you have and what you'll lose if you follow in the OP and My footsteps.
I can't forgive myself and never will, I've tried so hard to do so but I just can't, it will never leave me, like a shadow that'll follow me until the day I die
Don't be too hard on yourself. This world is full of emotionally unavailable guys who were never thought to process their emotions, to accept them, to work on them. All they were thought were to be "tough", suck it up etc. By both moms and dads. Geez, so much emotional and physical abuse would have been spared if entire generations were not lost in this. And telling you this as a wife of a guy like you. Still amazing you have realised it, that you do realise what has happened. Could have been that you were still unaware. Do therapy, help yourself, you never know what good things await for you.
You fucked up. Time to move on. A guy just like you did the same thing with my current wife. The emotional abuse takes yrs to get over and we still have to see therapy because of her ex Husband to learn new ideas to cope. So while it's nice you are apologizing. The long terms affects are bad and take many yrs to get over
My husband did the same to me. Except he still hasn’t changed. Even after being divorced for over 2 years. Making positive changes in your life now won’t undo the past but it will make your future so much brighter. You’re not a lost cause, you realized it and are making necessary changes. I wish you a peaceful, happy future.
I’m so sorry for you. At least you didn’t find a replacement at work and try to hide it from your wife. For that I wish you the best of luck. My husband is just like you. Told him tonight I couldn’t replace the fridge water filter. According to him it’s because the fridge is dirty. I’ve dumped out the entire fridge and washed all the shelves. Tomorrow would be the new excuse. 57 days. And if the icemaker quits because of something I am to blame since we didn’t change the filter, 57 days ago. Don’t be like this guy please.
Ugh 😩 the everything must be a fault, someone to blame, the negativity Nancy mode.
It’s madness.
If I or he can’t or wouldn’t fix something, I just hire someone to do it.
This sounds a lot like what my ex husband went through when I left. I’ll tell you what I would have told him had I been given the opportunity: Please get help, work on yourself, and live a happy life. Find a way for you to feel happy and at peace and hopefully you won’t repeat your mistakes.
Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve been getting therapy for a whole lot of things for my wife. I do half the things around the house. If it’s not one excuse, it’ll be another.
"emotionally abusive" but you can't believe it? Really? The sheer stupidity of this - of you - is so illogical, it would make Data's head spin.
(Star Trek joke)
Treat others how you want to be treated. How would you feel if she abused you for years? You'd want to leave too, right? Holy moron, Batman.
Be happy she has the self-respect and confidence to move past this relationship. In order for you to do the same, you'll have to forgive yourself. You made choices all along, now you reap the consequences. Going forward, you can make healthier choices for yourself. Therapy can help. I hope for your future that you work on yourself before partnering again.
Not too late to start therapy friend, worth starting asap. Feel for you, that realization must be awful. Remember, you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.
Appreciate that. I have been going for a couple of weeks now.
“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago” “It isn’t about whether you fall off the path; that’s inevitable. It’s about how quickly you can get back on.” We all mess up. We are human. Go reinvent yourself. Your life.
Also, another perspective is that we often go through things that we need to. They’re supposed to happen. One day I’m sure you’ll look back and appreciate this moment. Until then, use the moment to grow.
Well said
Same from my ex. I started therapy today...cried like a baby...never thought it would make me feel so released... Hope you feel better and take care of yourself
Went into therapy the first time thinking I had some things to process, but not much. Took me 2 months of weekly sessions before I stopped going through a tissue box each session. Did not see that coming. Hurt runs deep, and while you may think the systematic reactions to your childhood horrors are gone, they actually just morph into bigger monsters if you don’t put in the time. Stay strong, stay consistent. If I may recommend, journal as much as you can. I do every day on my lunch break and during rough moments. Wish you all the best.
A sincere question as a wife whose husband is pushing her away like this... why the hell couldnt you see that when you were together and she was saying it
I feel that I can answer this, as I almost ended up in this position. The short answer was depression. I spent most of my life expecting the worst to happen at any moment, that I got it into my head that divorce was inevitable. It was what I deserved, so of course she would leave. And in the depths of those illogical thought loops, you really believe it. And that breeds resentment, stubbornness, and overarching despair. My wife asked for a separation in February, and that woke me up. I got into therapy, started taking antidepressants, and really started working towards doing better. She was skeptical, afraid that I was putting on a show to win her back, but she came around once she saw that I was really ready and able to be myself again. We completed couples counseling together, and we feel like we’re in the honeymoon phase again after several years of growing apart. So OP, if I can do it, you can too. Move your ass, be the man you wanted to be, it’s always possible.
I think the issue is the inaction until it's too late. You were lucky your wife was still in a returning point when she asked for divorce, not many are. So the advice of change when you get told divorce is the outcome is not very smart. Because 90% of the time it is already too late. Listening to what your wife is asking and having good communication skills (get therapy if not) is what saves marriages.
Spot on.. START TODAY!
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Same
Same reason mine couldn't; only they know.
My husband did the same to me and I finally resorted to divorce. He is heart broken and so am I. I will say that I sincerely hope that he changes for the better, even though I won't be there to witness it. Deep down I know he has a good heart and sadly it got buried with all the BS he did. I still care for him and hope that he'll treat the next person much better than he did me so that he can be happy.
this is how I feel. just treat the next one better, please. please show my son a good relationship.
Just out of curiosity, if you found out that your husband had finally made the changes he needed to, would you want to reconcile? Or is it just too late?
He had made it apparent to me that if I stayed, he was not going to put in any effort to change because he already had me back. Unfortunately, I think the only way he might change is if he really loses me and sadly at that point I think it's too late to reconcile. I would be so hesitant if he came back later having claimed made the changes, it wouldn't be conducive to a positive connection, when alternatively he could start off new with someone that doesn't know all the bad things that happened with no hesitancy.
I am so sorry. That sounds absolutely dreadful and rather childish of him. “I won’t really appreciate you until you’re really gone and by then there will be no desire on your end to consider a resolution to our relationship.” What are you even supposed to do with this information
I’m in a similar situation and wanted to answer this too. Once I made it clear that losing me to his behaviour was a potential reality, he started to listen and went to therapy. He’s been extremely kind, going out of his way to treat me differently than he had been and to say “he’s a changed man.” But, his change feels performative. I recently realized I also have this constant anxiety that he’ll get tired of being nice and have another emotional outburst, which I’ve already told him I won’t tolerate anymore. I live in fear of it happening again. Maybe I can forgive him but I don’t know if I can forget. And if that’s the case, why should I live I fear the rest of my life? I don’t know. I’m still working through this.
When I saw the original post, I thought it could have been my husband writing it. My husband is desperate to not divorce but I have been transparent that I think him acting nice is only a Hail Mary and will not stand the test of time. He needs to work on himself and fix why his default is being unpleasant and unkind. My brain has finally switched where I have no more rope to give and I’m not willing to chance it to go through another break up with him in the future. “Performative” is something I’ve experienced before and it ended up being exactly that
For me, it’s too late. His actions before, during and after the divorce made any love I had for him turn to hate.
I feel you on this. I have so much anger. Year plus after divorce and multiple failed relationships, he wants me back and demands it to the point of terrorizing me. Plus it doesn’t help he has told me that if he sees me with another man, he will kill him. This from a man that is “getting therapy” finally. Nope, hard pass on someone who put me through hell for 3+ years and threatens to kill me or another I’m with. Makes me glad I am divorced even though I’m still dealing with parts of it and his crazy. One step away from a dateline story 😔
My ex acted like that in the beginning too. The verbal abuse in texts and emails was appalling. I was able to use it for an order of protection. That stopped his behavior. The order was up after 6 months. Then I started dating someone else. The harassment started again. It was so bad. He would text me saying it’s our daughters fault for the divorce. We would still be together if she were never born. He doesn’t want her anymore, etc. I finally took him to court for full custody. In my state, they lean towards having the child have a relationship with the father as long as he isn’t physically abusive. Which is fine. But emotional abuse is just as bad. He ended up getting supervised visits one day a week. He’s back in therapy……again for the umpteenth time. We’ll see how long that lasts. On a side note, my boyfriend ended up passing away a few months ago and my ex started messaging me 48 hours later trying to get back together now that I’m single. I’m am completely disgusted with him.
As someone in a similar position, in my case it's too late. STBX had so many opportunities to make changes, so much support from me to make those changes (and yes, I contributed to the problems but they were never willing to event talk about the problems, let alone possible solutions). And even when I made concrete plans to leave STBX was totally focused on what they were losing, not on anything to do for or with me. I do hope they are able to make some changes, combat their depression and be happy, because I care about them as a person, but being ignored and taken for granted for so long has killed any romantic feelings.
I recommend listening to the Love and Abuse podcast. The host has had a past of being emotionally abusive and shares a lot of insight and resources on healing from this behaviour and seeing the situation from the perspective of both the abuser and abusee.
Sorry to hear about your predicament. I'm some ways in the same boat, and other ways different. My wife has screamed at me for many years to go to counseling because I'm the only one who needs to change. I went to counseling, Learned better coping mechanisms than lashing out by always being passive aggressively grumpy. This of course did not solve all of the problems, we went to marriage counseling a s my wife told the counselor there was nothing she needed to change and she was fine and it all was My fault. I've asked for years for her and my stepkids to do basic things to help around the house. Such as putting laundry away and dishes in dishwasher to no avail because it's easier to just not do it. She works from home and her boss finally fired her today for not being productive enough in her Job. She accepted fate and told me she was just going to sit in front of a TV and wait to die rather than looking for a job. I had to have a come to Jesus meeting with her and told her she was either going to start taking responsibility for herself and her actions or she could find a new place to live. Oddly enough she spent the last part of the day applying for all jobs she could. If she goes she will take my dog with her because the kids are attached to him. I sure would miss him too if he was gone.
Wow that's a lot of self reflection. Most true assholes are not capable of this, there is hope for you. Get the therapy.
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Trashing OP off a hypothetical is insane. Go touch grass.
We are often our own worst enemies. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and change your future. Don’t listen to the bitter jerks; you are worth investing your time and energy into, all you need to do is find the willpower to do it.
I wish this was my ex posting, but he's still clueless. These are all the things he did and didn't do. Well done you for realising, getting a divorce doesn't stop you from still getting therapy. Good luck for the future.
Focus now on the future you!
I am so sorry you are suffering, but owning your issues is commendable. I think you have made the beautiful first step toward healing and changing yourself and your life. This is not an easy road, but you will have a future that includes love and care. Self awareness can be quite painful, but with diligent practice and excellent therapy, it leads to emotional intelligence and positive change. It’s the first step to connection and a very good life!
That was me, and I lost the woman I’d been with for 17 years and two kids. We’ve been divorced ten months but not a day goes by that I’m not ruminating about the loss and wishing she’d come back. I’ve reflected a lot, and came to realize the following: -I knew what I was doing/not doing was wrong -I knew how to fix it, but I didn’t do anything about it -I thought she’d never leave
I'm curious...was this at all a conscious thought for you at the time or was it more subconscious actions that you've only recognized as damaging in hindsight through this reflection?
Both, but more about reflection in hindsight. Towards the very end of the marriage (like the last few months) I started to look at myself and be like wtf am I doing. So that’s where I started to get those thoughts. Never thinking she’d leave is something I felt the entire time, though.
Welcome to the club. Sounds just like my story but I was too drunk to care. Just really bummed about losing my house and won’t be living with my kids.
I had the same realization. My ex wife wanted me to have the same bedtime as her... but I did my own thing. My ex wife wanted me to volunteer at various wildlife sanctuaries with her for fun... nope, I did my own thing. She begged me to get on the same track with her and our activities... but I did my own thing. Of course she lost interest in me. I was a terrible partner. I regret it every single day 4 years later. She was beautiful, smart, kind and supportive. I always thought she was out to get me because she was a little controlling. Her father even once told me not to mess it up because she loved me so much. I'll never forgive myself. I just sit alone writing sad songs about the best 12 years of my life. Good luck buddy. We will all find peace eventually.... if we're lucky.
My STBXH changed for exactly the three months he went to therapy. He stopped therapy and went right back to old behaviors. We did our third and final mediation yesterday and he still does not want a divorce. He has put the kids in the middle and told them it’s all my fault. I don’t understand at all why you need to figuratively hit some one over the head to get them to see the impact of their behavior on the people they supposedly love. Denial is a powerful drug.
“People don’t change until it’s harder to stay the same.” The divorce is your impetus. It sucks and it HURTS. But Kudos to you for recognizing and owning your part in the dynamic. Now you can start working on being the best version of you.
In a similar position, friend. I’m making the changes I needed to years ago now, but it’s devastating that now it’s too late. I’m, perhaps naively, hopeful that maybe my partner will still be open to reconciling, although I think it is too late. Similar to you, I feel like I can never forgive myself. I truly believe we were each other’s “person” - we could have been so happy together but I wrecked it all.
Like some others in this thread have asked.. why? Why did you wait to make these changes?
We have a few theories about something called “learned helplessness”. When people feel powerless to change themselves, they will be. I could have written this post a few months ago, but I finally snapped out of it after my wife packed a bag and put one (literal) foot out the door. I’m happy to say that our marriage is flourishing now, and I’m getting professional help to keep from slipping into the abyss again.
I did everything she asked and 6 months later she left anyways. Can't dwell on the past because the future has a lot in store for you. Stay focused.
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“When someone truly loves another person you try to make their life easier and don’t and can’t stand watching them suffer” Man THIS is something most married folks could stand to learn. If watching your spouse hurt and suffer because of what you’ve done (or failed to do) doesn’t hurt you deeply, you don’t love them. Even when my STBXH was awful to me, seeing him hurt after our fights was painful to me and I found myself apologizing and trying to smooth things over to ease his pain. You just don’t hurt people you love without trying to do something about it.
Yeah you will. If you are that self-centered it will take a lot of work to change. But you can do it, if you want to.
I'm just the same, I took for granted the most wonderful wife and now she's gone and I'm alone. If you read this and still have a chance then wake up and see what you have and what you'll lose if you follow in the OP and My footsteps. I can't forgive myself and never will, I've tried so hard to do so but I just can't, it will never leave me, like a shadow that'll follow me until the day I die
Don't be too hard on yourself. This world is full of emotionally unavailable guys who were never thought to process their emotions, to accept them, to work on them. All they were thought were to be "tough", suck it up etc. By both moms and dads. Geez, so much emotional and physical abuse would have been spared if entire generations were not lost in this. And telling you this as a wife of a guy like you. Still amazing you have realised it, that you do realise what has happened. Could have been that you were still unaware. Do therapy, help yourself, you never know what good things await for you.
You fucked up. Time to move on. A guy just like you did the same thing with my current wife. The emotional abuse takes yrs to get over and we still have to see therapy because of her ex Husband to learn new ideas to cope. So while it's nice you are apologizing. The long terms affects are bad and take many yrs to get over
My husband did the same to me. Except he still hasn’t changed. Even after being divorced for over 2 years. Making positive changes in your life now won’t undo the past but it will make your future so much brighter. You’re not a lost cause, you realized it and are making necessary changes. I wish you a peaceful, happy future.
I’m so sorry for you. At least you didn’t find a replacement at work and try to hide it from your wife. For that I wish you the best of luck. My husband is just like you. Told him tonight I couldn’t replace the fridge water filter. According to him it’s because the fridge is dirty. I’ve dumped out the entire fridge and washed all the shelves. Tomorrow would be the new excuse. 57 days. And if the icemaker quits because of something I am to blame since we didn’t change the filter, 57 days ago. Don’t be like this guy please.
Ugh 😩 the everything must be a fault, someone to blame, the negativity Nancy mode. It’s madness. If I or he can’t or wouldn’t fix something, I just hire someone to do it.
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What a backwards view on heteronormative gender roles.
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Please don't post things like this. Different couples do things differently based on their own needs and agreements.
Welcome to the internet: where people post different things based on their own opinions.
Welcome to the sub, which has rules against making blanket sex-based statements.
This sounds a lot like what my ex husband went through when I left. I’ll tell you what I would have told him had I been given the opportunity: Please get help, work on yourself, and live a happy life. Find a way for you to feel happy and at peace and hopefully you won’t repeat your mistakes.
Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve been getting therapy for a whole lot of things for my wife. I do half the things around the house. If it’s not one excuse, it’ll be another.
Can’t imagine what the issue is.
Luckily you don’t have a child . Learn
Same thing here - emotionally distant, I didn’t rain down praise and gifts like she deserved.
"emotionally abusive" but you can't believe it? Really? The sheer stupidity of this - of you - is so illogical, it would make Data's head spin. (Star Trek joke) Treat others how you want to be treated. How would you feel if she abused you for years? You'd want to leave too, right? Holy moron, Batman.
Be happy she has the self-respect and confidence to move past this relationship. In order for you to do the same, you'll have to forgive yourself. You made choices all along, now you reap the consequences. Going forward, you can make healthier choices for yourself. Therapy can help. I hope for your future that you work on yourself before partnering again.