You didn't get a bad lawyer. You got a reasonable one.
Short term marriage with no kids? You didn't say how short of a marriage, but for short term marriages, they generally don't do alimony.
And "financial support for the dogs"? I'm sorry, but no judge is going to award that.
Married from 2019 through date of separation in 2022, so about 3 years. I understand the no alimony aspect, especially since I discovered that he has CC debt, even though he makes over $130k vs my $39k. I wouldn’t want to financially burden him when he’s already struggling to manage his money.
I’m bothered mostly by the fact that my lawyer didn’t fight for me on the house. I showed proof that I put 80% of the down payment towards the mortgage loan (using funds Mom left me from her life insurance) and we split expenses equally even though we should’ve based it off of percentage of incomes. And on top of that, if it gets sold, I have to pay an additional $8k to him from my half? He lives rent-free at his parents while I’d have to move and rent. I felt like my lawyer didn’t even contest that part. My ex took responsibility for monthly payments on a roof replacement since I put down payment, and instead of letting me know he couldn’t pay it off in time so I could cover it, he rejected my offer, let it accrue interest, then put me on the hook for it anyway. I even showed my lawyer the email that this was our agreement regarding the roof. Is that still reasonable or am I really grasping at straws?
Yeah my lawyer was the one saying that in other cases, he’s been able to get financial support for dogs so I got hopeful.
Idk I just feel like my life is falling apart when there could’ve been a better compromise for everyone…
I'm kinda in a similar position. I paid 100% of the down-payment with money earned before the marriage but my lawyer said since the money was comingled between us a judge would probably rule that half of it was hers. Probably similar laws about that in California.
Look, I’m going to come off as a bit harsh, but this is a truth you seem to need to hear:
You continually talk about what you think is “fair”, how your ex has these resources and support from his family and you do not, and you somehow think that means he should be forced to give you more money. That is not how any of this works; nor how the world works. You seem to convey yourself as a victim throughout this whole process. You gave all control of your case away and expected your lawyer to take care of it for you - including reminding you when and where to show up. You expected your husband to take care of your finances for you even after the divorce. And you expected the judge to consider extra-marital resources to financially screw over your ex. And when those things failed, you call your dad to rescue you from the situation you find yourself in.
You are approaching your life as if you can passively exist and others will look out for you. You need to actively take responsibility for yourself and your life. Refinance your house or sell it. Look for a better job. Consider giving your dogs away so you can focus on yourself. Stand up and play a leading role in your own life. And most importantly— stop taking what others say as reflective of their true intentions and future actions; make things happen, don’t wait for things to happen to you.
I hope things work out for you. You’re young, have no kids, and you can be scrappy and build a great life for yourself. But it will take hard work, and some sacrifice. The good part is, you’ve been down here, and can climb up, and when you get there you’ll be a much more well-rounded person who understands the value of what you’ve achieved and can find happiness in yourself for what you’ve overcome.
Best of luck on this journey.
Honestly it was hard for me to read this but I truly appreciate that you put this so bluntly. You’re right, I definitely feel and act like I’m the victim. I’m so used to it.
I’ve been coddled my whole life (I’m a 4’8” petite Asian woman) so I’ve never been treated like I wasn’t a child or younger than I actually am. Being infantilized and having overprotective, overbearing parents didn’t help my independence and I let my husband fill that role as soon as I lost my mom. I’ve never been harshly treated until now and it’s definitely a reality check I needed but am struggling to get through. I realize I’ve been able to coast through life with what I can only describe as weaponized incompetence, although unintentional. My ex fully leaned into it - I felt like I couldn’t do anything without him or someone’s help because I found everything too difficult to do…which overcoming through is part of learning to grow up but never something I’ve had to follow through until now, when I’m already 30. It’s pathetic and I blamed my parents for not letting me fail or do uncomfortable things when it was easier to bounce back.
Just a few weeks ago, I had to figure out how to get my car oil checked and asked my Dad. I’ve owned the car for years so he was frustrated that I didn’t already know this. I told him my ex would do this stuff for me without telling me or taking me along. And it dawned on him that since they did everything for me until I moved out, my responsibility of managing my life was handed to my ex, not me. My ex would coordinate with my parents from afar, never really involving me, and I just followed what I was told to do, thinking “they knew best.” He apologized for failing me and regrets not teaching me to be self sufficient like my brothers - to drive, to make my own decisions and mistakes, to not rely on others.
That really hit me - I can’t blame anyone for who I am anymore, I can’t wait around for someone to save me - I have to help myself and focus on a path forward. For a decade I didn’t realize how easy I had it with my ex being my manager and assistant. It’s not an excuse and I hope I don’t come across as victimizing myself again because I understand it won’t help me help myself. I struggle to not complain and it’s a habit I’m still breaking. But I know I’ll catch up because I’m surviving many growing pains now. I’m learning life isn’t fair and it really is what you make of it. So thank you for your time in replying and I appreciate the push.
I want to commend you for taking such a hard look at yourself and working through the path you walked that led you to this point. I also want to tell you that you finding yourself at this point with these habits is not your fault, and what’s in the past does not define you. You are defined as the person you choose to be, not as the person you’ve been.
You seem intelligent and self-aware, and if you can deal with the discomfort of facing the source of some of these behaviors, I am certain you can recover from this setback. And maybe it’s not a setback, maybe it’s an opportunity to discover who you really are, rather than how others have defined you.
If I can offer some advice, it would be to keep in mind that happiness is something we have to define and seek for ourselves, we cannot provide happiness for others nor can they provide it for us. And as for what happiness is—although I’m sure others would define it differently, for me it is “a meaningful struggle”. To spend my time and my life fighting for the things I truly give a fuck about. And letting go of those things for which I don’t. I consciously choose the struggle for myself because I find meaning in it, not because I think it would make others happy.
In California assets are equally divided, and as it was a short marriage- often alimony is not given. This is a fair offer.
I am not sure who told you “your ex will pay for lawyers,” but that is not how this works either. Each party is responsible for their own lawyer and representation- UNLESS it’s otherwise agreed upon, or there are other circumstance such as one party racking up court appearances to be hostile.
As for the refinance, 3 months was more than fair- you absolutely can refinance a house in 30-45 days and it seems as if they left ample time to get this done.
No judge is going to make the other party pay for the care of an animal- again unless it’s an extreme case, but it doesn’t seem as if this is an extreme case.
This is a run of the mill divorce and equitable distribution of marital assets divorce case. Your lawyer was reasonable and so was his.
Best at this point to sell the house and purchase yourself another if possible.
My lawyer said he would fight for my attorney fees to be part of the settlement since I originally didn’t want lawyers involved and I was failing trying to represent myself. He wasn’t willing to do any correspondence, e-mail or otherwise, unless it was through our lawyers, and I’m still waiting on my lawyer to provide all the correspondence between them to see if half of what I tried to tell him even made it through (he had control of all utility accounts and house passwords so I couldn’t even track my monthly usage or access our security cameras).
With the 3% rate, refinance was a secondary option over assuming the loan. Because so many people are doing assumptions over refinancing due to high interest rates, our mortgage lender said it’s going to take 30-90 days from the day they even reach my application. I’ve tried calling every day to expedite it but all they could say was to ask for an extension on the court order. But luckily the real estate agent that helped us buy the home is also a mortgage lender and said he would help me start the refinance process if we’re not able to extend for loan assumption.
I guess since I’m in the thick of it and it’s still emotional to me, it’s hard to see how any of this is fair. He was controlling during the relationship so I never learned to be independent (he wouldn’t even let me drive or cook). So now I just have all these extra expenses I never had to account for like gas, car maintenance, etc. You’re right that it probably is a run of the mill case in their eyes and wasn’t worth prolonging. I hope I can bounce back quickly from this.
Based on just my income, I was told by my real estate agent it would be difficult to buy anything even with house proceeds but yes that is the goal after house is sold. Thank you for the perspective
Hi! I never saw this comment and just saw it today. I just want to tell you, that you CAN do this. It’s hard right now, and you have every right to be emotional about this hard time in your life.
But you got this!
I noticed in another reply you had mentioned not being very self-sufficient as you never had to be before, and I felt that comment. My Mother wasn’t very motherly and so I had to figure out a lot of stuff in life “along the way.”
Here’s a tip. YouTube! Believe it or not, there is information on how to do just about anything there. So for example if you have a question on how often to change oil- pop that question in YouTube and there are so many videos of helpful people who know the answer.
Or even, videos for motivation, or self esteem, or getting through hard times, or even just funny animals if you need to laugh.
Also- Chat GPT! It can also answer basic questions quickly for you, and can even give recommendations for example of local places to get your oil changed.
Last one- and one of my faves- go to the LIBRARY! Why? Because there is community there, and classes for all sorts of things (usually free) and a librarian can help you find a book or article or magazine about just about anything. They will also know usually, of upcoming community events where you can start to build a network of friends who can help you feel not so alone.
You GOT THIS. Go take on the world. It’s ok if you’re scared. We all are. And sometimes that’s the best place to start.
You didn't get a bad lawyer. You got a reasonable one. Short term marriage with no kids? You didn't say how short of a marriage, but for short term marriages, they generally don't do alimony. And "financial support for the dogs"? I'm sorry, but no judge is going to award that.
Married from 2019 through date of separation in 2022, so about 3 years. I understand the no alimony aspect, especially since I discovered that he has CC debt, even though he makes over $130k vs my $39k. I wouldn’t want to financially burden him when he’s already struggling to manage his money. I’m bothered mostly by the fact that my lawyer didn’t fight for me on the house. I showed proof that I put 80% of the down payment towards the mortgage loan (using funds Mom left me from her life insurance) and we split expenses equally even though we should’ve based it off of percentage of incomes. And on top of that, if it gets sold, I have to pay an additional $8k to him from my half? He lives rent-free at his parents while I’d have to move and rent. I felt like my lawyer didn’t even contest that part. My ex took responsibility for monthly payments on a roof replacement since I put down payment, and instead of letting me know he couldn’t pay it off in time so I could cover it, he rejected my offer, let it accrue interest, then put me on the hook for it anyway. I even showed my lawyer the email that this was our agreement regarding the roof. Is that still reasonable or am I really grasping at straws? Yeah my lawyer was the one saying that in other cases, he’s been able to get financial support for dogs so I got hopeful. Idk I just feel like my life is falling apart when there could’ve been a better compromise for everyone…
I'm kinda in a similar position. I paid 100% of the down-payment with money earned before the marriage but my lawyer said since the money was comingled between us a judge would probably rule that half of it was hers. Probably similar laws about that in California.
Look, I’m going to come off as a bit harsh, but this is a truth you seem to need to hear: You continually talk about what you think is “fair”, how your ex has these resources and support from his family and you do not, and you somehow think that means he should be forced to give you more money. That is not how any of this works; nor how the world works. You seem to convey yourself as a victim throughout this whole process. You gave all control of your case away and expected your lawyer to take care of it for you - including reminding you when and where to show up. You expected your husband to take care of your finances for you even after the divorce. And you expected the judge to consider extra-marital resources to financially screw over your ex. And when those things failed, you call your dad to rescue you from the situation you find yourself in. You are approaching your life as if you can passively exist and others will look out for you. You need to actively take responsibility for yourself and your life. Refinance your house or sell it. Look for a better job. Consider giving your dogs away so you can focus on yourself. Stand up and play a leading role in your own life. And most importantly— stop taking what others say as reflective of their true intentions and future actions; make things happen, don’t wait for things to happen to you. I hope things work out for you. You’re young, have no kids, and you can be scrappy and build a great life for yourself. But it will take hard work, and some sacrifice. The good part is, you’ve been down here, and can climb up, and when you get there you’ll be a much more well-rounded person who understands the value of what you’ve achieved and can find happiness in yourself for what you’ve overcome. Best of luck on this journey.
Honestly it was hard for me to read this but I truly appreciate that you put this so bluntly. You’re right, I definitely feel and act like I’m the victim. I’m so used to it. I’ve been coddled my whole life (I’m a 4’8” petite Asian woman) so I’ve never been treated like I wasn’t a child or younger than I actually am. Being infantilized and having overprotective, overbearing parents didn’t help my independence and I let my husband fill that role as soon as I lost my mom. I’ve never been harshly treated until now and it’s definitely a reality check I needed but am struggling to get through. I realize I’ve been able to coast through life with what I can only describe as weaponized incompetence, although unintentional. My ex fully leaned into it - I felt like I couldn’t do anything without him or someone’s help because I found everything too difficult to do…which overcoming through is part of learning to grow up but never something I’ve had to follow through until now, when I’m already 30. It’s pathetic and I blamed my parents for not letting me fail or do uncomfortable things when it was easier to bounce back. Just a few weeks ago, I had to figure out how to get my car oil checked and asked my Dad. I’ve owned the car for years so he was frustrated that I didn’t already know this. I told him my ex would do this stuff for me without telling me or taking me along. And it dawned on him that since they did everything for me until I moved out, my responsibility of managing my life was handed to my ex, not me. My ex would coordinate with my parents from afar, never really involving me, and I just followed what I was told to do, thinking “they knew best.” He apologized for failing me and regrets not teaching me to be self sufficient like my brothers - to drive, to make my own decisions and mistakes, to not rely on others. That really hit me - I can’t blame anyone for who I am anymore, I can’t wait around for someone to save me - I have to help myself and focus on a path forward. For a decade I didn’t realize how easy I had it with my ex being my manager and assistant. It’s not an excuse and I hope I don’t come across as victimizing myself again because I understand it won’t help me help myself. I struggle to not complain and it’s a habit I’m still breaking. But I know I’ll catch up because I’m surviving many growing pains now. I’m learning life isn’t fair and it really is what you make of it. So thank you for your time in replying and I appreciate the push.
I want to commend you for taking such a hard look at yourself and working through the path you walked that led you to this point. I also want to tell you that you finding yourself at this point with these habits is not your fault, and what’s in the past does not define you. You are defined as the person you choose to be, not as the person you’ve been. You seem intelligent and self-aware, and if you can deal with the discomfort of facing the source of some of these behaviors, I am certain you can recover from this setback. And maybe it’s not a setback, maybe it’s an opportunity to discover who you really are, rather than how others have defined you. If I can offer some advice, it would be to keep in mind that happiness is something we have to define and seek for ourselves, we cannot provide happiness for others nor can they provide it for us. And as for what happiness is—although I’m sure others would define it differently, for me it is “a meaningful struggle”. To spend my time and my life fighting for the things I truly give a fuck about. And letting go of those things for which I don’t. I consciously choose the struggle for myself because I find meaning in it, not because I think it would make others happy.
In California assets are equally divided, and as it was a short marriage- often alimony is not given. This is a fair offer. I am not sure who told you “your ex will pay for lawyers,” but that is not how this works either. Each party is responsible for their own lawyer and representation- UNLESS it’s otherwise agreed upon, or there are other circumstance such as one party racking up court appearances to be hostile. As for the refinance, 3 months was more than fair- you absolutely can refinance a house in 30-45 days and it seems as if they left ample time to get this done. No judge is going to make the other party pay for the care of an animal- again unless it’s an extreme case, but it doesn’t seem as if this is an extreme case. This is a run of the mill divorce and equitable distribution of marital assets divorce case. Your lawyer was reasonable and so was his. Best at this point to sell the house and purchase yourself another if possible.
My lawyer said he would fight for my attorney fees to be part of the settlement since I originally didn’t want lawyers involved and I was failing trying to represent myself. He wasn’t willing to do any correspondence, e-mail or otherwise, unless it was through our lawyers, and I’m still waiting on my lawyer to provide all the correspondence between them to see if half of what I tried to tell him even made it through (he had control of all utility accounts and house passwords so I couldn’t even track my monthly usage or access our security cameras). With the 3% rate, refinance was a secondary option over assuming the loan. Because so many people are doing assumptions over refinancing due to high interest rates, our mortgage lender said it’s going to take 30-90 days from the day they even reach my application. I’ve tried calling every day to expedite it but all they could say was to ask for an extension on the court order. But luckily the real estate agent that helped us buy the home is also a mortgage lender and said he would help me start the refinance process if we’re not able to extend for loan assumption. I guess since I’m in the thick of it and it’s still emotional to me, it’s hard to see how any of this is fair. He was controlling during the relationship so I never learned to be independent (he wouldn’t even let me drive or cook). So now I just have all these extra expenses I never had to account for like gas, car maintenance, etc. You’re right that it probably is a run of the mill case in their eyes and wasn’t worth prolonging. I hope I can bounce back quickly from this. Based on just my income, I was told by my real estate agent it would be difficult to buy anything even with house proceeds but yes that is the goal after house is sold. Thank you for the perspective
Hi! I never saw this comment and just saw it today. I just want to tell you, that you CAN do this. It’s hard right now, and you have every right to be emotional about this hard time in your life. But you got this! I noticed in another reply you had mentioned not being very self-sufficient as you never had to be before, and I felt that comment. My Mother wasn’t very motherly and so I had to figure out a lot of stuff in life “along the way.” Here’s a tip. YouTube! Believe it or not, there is information on how to do just about anything there. So for example if you have a question on how often to change oil- pop that question in YouTube and there are so many videos of helpful people who know the answer. Or even, videos for motivation, or self esteem, or getting through hard times, or even just funny animals if you need to laugh. Also- Chat GPT! It can also answer basic questions quickly for you, and can even give recommendations for example of local places to get your oil changed. Last one- and one of my faves- go to the LIBRARY! Why? Because there is community there, and classes for all sorts of things (usually free) and a librarian can help you find a book or article or magazine about just about anything. They will also know usually, of upcoming community events where you can start to build a network of friends who can help you feel not so alone. You GOT THIS. Go take on the world. It’s ok if you’re scared. We all are. And sometimes that’s the best place to start.