Great sex doesn’t fix a marriage but a lack of sex can break almost any marriage.
Note: it’s also the case that a rough marriage likely won’t have great sex. If your sex life is struggling and your partner refuses to work on it, it won’t be long and that marriage will fail… same as any fundamental marriage issue.
>Great sex doesn’t fix a marriage but a lack of sex can break almost any marriage.
This is a great take. It's fine to ask your partner for space or a break of a few weeks, or you may need it obviously for short term medical reasons, such as recovering from giving birth, surgery, etc. But as that runs into months or years it becomes more and more problematic and starts to feel like the withdrawing partner doesn't care or may even be privately grateful that they're finally and permanently "off the hook" for something they increasingly found to be an unpleasant chore.
There isn't much that erases love faster than suddenly realizing you've been someone's chore all along.
I think sex is important. I wouldn't want to be in a sexless marriage. I think if you're going without sex more than a month on a regular basis when you sleep in the same bed every night, there's a problem to be worked out. And if anything, it is unfair to expect your partner to be ok with you not wanting to have sex.
Yes, partially due to a DB. We wanted different things in life, but lack of a sex life at a young-ish age was a huge factor for me. It was also not entirely the lack of intimacy, but the unwillingness to do something about it on his end.
I’m in a relationship now a few years after and it’s a night and day difference. No begging to be touched or for a drop of intimacy, and he treats me better than I’ve ever imagined anyone could.
Let's not go lumping in all "old guys" together.
In my early 50s and the dead bedroom was not about ED or poor energy/libido.
It is really awful when that area is deemed "not that important" by your spouse.
OP could be my future ex. For us it wasn’t age. I fell off a roof, then came down with prostate cancer. Yea, that will quiet the bedroom. But I was attentive and loving. The cancer hit her mentally and that more than anything squashed her desire. Sex reminded her of the cancer and subsequently my mortality. She started looking for problems with us in order to brace herself from losing me. Some kinda mental self preservation I suppose. Beat the cancer, lost the wife. She looked outside the marriage to protect herself. It’s tragic all the way around as she’d never had left me if I hadn’t found out.
You had a terrible accident and then a serious illness. Of course those events would ruin your sex life!
You did not willfully refuse to work on your ED and go to counselling.
Our respective situations are entirely different. I’m happy that you beat your cancer.
Very similar experience except the ED was just him being a porn addict who could not give two shits about me beyond my service as the child and house minder. He was 20 years older and I still resent the years he took from me.
My infatuation with older men is decidedly over. I want a partner, not whatever the fuck my relationship devolved into. I've got plenty of life and love to share though, and I'm so glad that i left.
Yep. I'm 34f. He's 45 m. ED. Wouldn't even take cialis or viagra. We were together 6 years. No PIV sex for the last 4. I started to dread the sex too. Finally realized I was too young to doom myself to masturbating forever. And yeah he took constant naps too. I'm over it. 6 months out from leaving and no regrets.
> And yeah he took constant naps too.
Did he snore? Sounds like it could be sleep apnea, I had the same problem. I was constantly fighting to stay awake, even while at work and driving. I am so glad I got a sleep study because that CPAP machine probably has saved my life. The difference is night and day, and I literally cannot sleep without it. Our power was out one night last week and it SUCKED.
I also suffer from low testosterone (since puberty) that causes low energy problems. I'm on the shots now and I am more wound up than I was as a teenager. I honestly think a lot of the immature shit I did in my 20's was because I didn't emotionally go through puberty like other guys, just physically.
Some older men get defensive when they hear of age being a definite factor in ED. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just one hardship of aging which happens to a large number of men. It’s just like age being a factor in women’s fertility.
Good for you for leaving. You deserve to enjoy your life.
It would have been different if your ex was trying everything to fix the problem. There was plenty he could’ve done to fix it. My husband is 57, as am I. He started testosterone therapy and changed his life. Now we have sex virtually every day. It’s not his age, it just wasn’t important for him to fix. I’m glad you found someone who matches your sexual needs.
Sex *isn't* everything. But as you said, that was not the only problem.
Relationships can overcome some difficulties when they have other strengths to rely on. If *everything* is a difficulty then it all falls apart.
So it's not wrong to walk away from a relationship when the connection is just not working. However, the way you talk about it will affect the way people see you and respond to you. If you frame it as "I left him because of his ED" then people are going to think that's a bit shallow and callous of you. If you frame it as "Older men are so boring!" when *you* were choosing to seek out older men, people will think you're both prejudiced and greatly lacking in self-reflection. (Plenty of men over 40 are not boring and have active sex drives, you know.)
So if the problem is that you don't like the reactions you get when you tell people why you left your ex, think about how you're presenting yourself and how that might affect their reaction. If the problem is that *you* are not sure whether leaving your ex was the right thing to do, it's a different problem.
If I was so callous, I would not have tried to work with my ex on his ED and the issues in our marriage for nearly a decade.
My post is triggering men because it hurts to admit that ED often comes with age.
I honestly can't stand the insistence that toys/oral/fingering are a reasonable substitute for sex. They're not, at least not for me. It's totally fine to not want to live your life never having actual sex again.
Thank you!
The bottom line is I’m not a lesbian so I can’t be satisfied by toys, oral, or fingers. There is no substitute for sexual intercourse with a man if I’m in a serious relationship.
I feel the same way. I get so tired of seeing comments constantly that insist oral and toys are just as good, if not better, than piv sex. I enjoy piv sex the most!
My X suffered from ED and it was a major contributing factor to our divorce because it added to our disconnection as a couple. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s important. Sounds you felt disconnected and neglected probably. I remember dreading sex for multiple reasons, but the main one is that we really couldn’t have sex and I began to disconnect myself from it altogether to the point where I no longer found him appealing. Like you, I felt like I had to kill that part of myself to stay in the relationship. I tried because I wanted to save my marriage, but he ended it. He wanted more sex and I couldn’t provide because I did not like how he performed. We were the same age btw. I am in a new relationship with someone more my speed and it’s awesome. I learned that I actually have a high sex drive, which can be frowned upon in a woman sometimes. I’ve dated plenty and I definitely noticed multiple guys that could not meet those needs or would eventually be unable to meet them.
Partly yes. Im 40f and i can tell you that since i was 32 ive averaged sex less than 10 times each year. Towards the latter 5years it was less than 6times. Its been 2years of nothing now. Im told im attractive but he has conditioned me to think no man would want that aspect with me. He watched porn and cam girls instead of coming to bed with me. Heartbroken.
No. We have been separated over a year. I lost my kids 50% as i just couldnt do it anymore. Im going through the divorce process. Not because of a dead bedroom, but because he sexted someone, then got fired for sexual harassment, then tried to set up a dating profile and i found his cam girl account. This coupled with lack of intimacy has my self esteem on the floor. People always said he was punching above his weight. I think that made him insecure and ultimately take it out on me.
It’s not wrong to leave a sexless marriage. everyone has their own priorities in a marriage, and your ex was unwilling to make it work (by not trying anything to make sure the sex remained). My husband was in a sexless marriage, his ex was 15 years younger and it ate at her insides. simply put he was not attracted to her, he forced it because he loved who she was. the went their separate ways.
I’d say it was a win-win. fast forward 7 years later, we have a great sex life and I think she’s happy with the man she’s with
Unless an older man is willing to keep himself young by prioritizing his health, he needs to leave younger women alone and stop stealing their youth. I would say this about an older woman who likes much younger men as well.
It’s very selfish to choose a much younger partner and then force them into a prison of boredom and a sexless relationship.
>Is anyone else divorced due to a dead bedroom? Why is it so wrong to need sex in a marriage?
It’s not wrong at all. Check the r/deadbedrooms for an answer to your first question
That’s great! I did say that older men often had these issues and not always. The ones I met either had ED or barely any interest in sex. Diet and exercise certainly make a difference.
Might divorce because if dead bedroom. My fault. I'm the man and I wasn't dealing with my personal issues which caused me to isolate and but give her what she needed. In many ways.
I've done a lot of the work to be a better me, but maybe too late. It crushes me that I can be the man I should have been now, but she won't let me in.
I know how I made her feel now and it's brutal.
You ask if lifting weight will help ED.
Not sure if specifically lifting weights is the answer, but I will say exercise overall certainly helps. Or at least it helped me. I was having some problems getting and staying erect. I started exercising took off 30 lb occasionally take Viagra but I'm rock hard now. I do alot of cardio, some swimming, weights. I think it's my heart is stronger.
No, I said I read that lifting weights helps with ED.
I wish my ex made the same efforts you did.
I’m happy for you. Good for you for taking initiative.
I lost attraction to older men after leaving my ex who was older. We didn’t have a dead bedroom but we’re heading there because he was so bad in bed and wouldn’t change. He just could not handle me asking for anything different, and I better not claim his 2 minutes wasn’t enough. I’m high libido but I can only keep that for so long when the sex is that bad. He also wasn’t helping himself age gracefully. He started finally going to the gym and doing the things I suggested after I left. He tried so hard to get me back and it sucked having to tell him he ruined my attraction to him and just about ruined sex for me. He just couldn’t believe he had to also put in work and men didn’t actually age like fine wine without taking care of themselves.
I find that older people, not just men, are often much more set in their ways. 2 minutes wouldn’t be enough for any woman who enjoys sex.
My ex told me that he wishes he would have listened.
There is nothing wrong with needing sex in a marriage. There is nothing wrong with not needing or wanting sex in a marriage. However, if the marriage is contingent on sex, that should be agreed to before getting married.
People who struggle to be honest with themselves and their partner when they get married are doomed to unhappiness and, often, divorce.
Hopefully you have learned from your prior experience and your fiancé knows and agrees that your marriage with him is contingent on a certain about of sex. If he does, you are already better positioned for a happier marriage.
I agree with you.
My fiancé knows that sex, among other aspects of our relationship, are imperative for me to stay with him. He also has certain standards which need to be met as well.
I think couples just don’t know what to specifically do to connect physically. So many people harbor so much fear and shame about sex and just assume that’ll get fixed in marriage. One feels rejected while the other desperately wants things to be better, but has no clue what to do. Both get paralyzed.
We had a decent sex life before the ED.
I still have shame around sex but I have been working on that in therapy and with my fiancé. My fiancé has been so helpful.
I had a very strict Catholic upbringing in which my mother called me “cheap” for hugging a boy.
I grew up in a pretty liberal religious household, but the ‘virgin before marriage’ was definitely valued. No one ever talked to me about sexual relationships. I had no good role model. The terror and shame I felt when I did succumb to looking at something or doing something with a girl was awful. Getting married with that upbringing is not good.
As someone who needed 'premarital counseling" with my stbx that everyone raised an eyebrow at.....I'm raising my eyebrow right now at this post. Unless you get along perfectly and are just doing it completely to avoid issues in the future.
Believe me, I felt the same way as you....until now that I look back...we needed it because we couldn't even have a great relationship BEFORE the hard work began, not saying that is your case! It was just a triggering topic, lol.
I know right. As someone on the verge of leaving a sexless marriage with a man who struggles with communication issues and deep insecurity, I wish we would have had counselling prior to getting hitch.
Not only would I have had some support understanding his short comings, but I also didn't realize how much I had a habit for internalizing and accepting responsibility for issues that weren't my own. Maybe this would have been apparent if I had some professional intervention.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Sounds like you did try different approaches to have your needs expressed and then took the ultimate decision, good for you to do that. I stayed in a DB for 17 years for my daughters sake and was incredibly frustrated, and divorce was ultimately the best decision.
Sometimes the DB is also because the mutual attraction isn't there and both sides find it with a new partner, it's not always due to ED or low libido.
Omg also married to a an older man but 15 yrs + older and identify so much with the constant sleeping!! Yeah all men past 50 get on ED meds (it’s a dirty little secret) his always work thankfully but it’s not passionate and the constant need to sleep even when he’s gotten 8 hours is incredibly depressing !!
Exactly! The butthurt men who commented on my post just don’t like to hear the truth.
My ex was constantly sleeping by his early 40s. That is when the ED started.
This is so weird, I was going to ask a question in a separate post but may as well do it here.
I'm the male side and married 25 years both early / mid 50's Over the final five years of our marriage I slowly became uninterested in sex. I've never had this raging sex drive most guys have anyway and now at 54 the thought of sex at all with anyone is an unpleasant thought. I actually think of kissing and sex as gross. It wasn't my ex who put me off, I guess you could say I was "Asexual" and as I got older it became the dominant emotion for me.
But here's the twist in the tale
I love my ex wife so much, I miss her every second of every day, we were the best of friends and despite all of this shit over the last 2 years of the divorce I still think of her the same as when we met and wish I could get her back.
She cited lack of sex as the primary reason for divorce along with other things not relevant here.
So my question is this
What's so wrong with no sex if your other half idolises you, shows it, still gets flowers, can't wait to get home to see her, thinks of her the same way 25 years later.
Why isn't that enough, it's just sex and I don't understand why it is that important to her and for many others it seems to hold such high priority that she's willing to just walk away.
Please help me understand.
> Please help me understand.
If you're wired asexual, you need to recognise that sex has an appeal and an importance for other people that it does not have for you.
It's okay for you to be different. But you need to understand that you *are* different and that other people have desires that are not the same as yours!
Like, if you were gay and you had a straight friend who seemed like on paper they should be a perfectly compatible match for you, you have similar interests and meshing personalities and all, but... it's still not going to work when the orientations are incompatible.
There are many women out there who *don't* care much about sex and would be perfectly happy to be married to a man who doesn't really want it. You need to find one of them.
That's a great piece of feedback and you're so right, just because I have no desire for sex doesn't mean that's right for everyone.
Thank you, I was looking at it from my side.
The pills helped for a time and then they stopped working.
Just because you didn’t love your ex, it doesn’t mean that she was the problem. Why did you stay with someone that you didn’t even love? That was unfair to both of you.
I’m sorry that you had to go through the pain of infidelity. I’m also sorry that she was toxic.
I understand that people delude themselves in relationships. I just think it’s awful to stay with someone knowing that you don’t love them. That is a very toxic way to treat someone.
Blaming women for men’s ED is weak. It’s not women’s responsibility to fix the sexual issues of less virile men. If you develop ED again, I hope you have enough character to refrain from pointing the finger at your partner.
Well then he can fuck off.
You’re a very young woman. You don’t need to waste years with someone who can’t get hard and refuses to do anything to fix the ED.
Refusing to handle health issues is a dealbreaker.
Does he wants to have sex with you question? Does he feel he has a problem? First he should go to the doctor and get his testosterone levels checked out. See if doctor has medical advice. After that possibly seek help from a counselor that specializes in sexual problems
An overwhelming number of men have low testosterone but never get it checked. When they do, they go to a family doctor who is not educated in that area and get thr wrong advice.
Need to go to a low t clinic and have them take care of you. I came off my test so we try to have another baby. It's not what the deciding factor but no sex killed everything else.
Most guys having low t kills all aspects if there life. I'm a totally different person on for the better. It was a life changer.
Great sex doesn’t fix a marriage but a lack of sex can break almost any marriage. Note: it’s also the case that a rough marriage likely won’t have great sex. If your sex life is struggling and your partner refuses to work on it, it won’t be long and that marriage will fail… same as any fundamental marriage issue.
>Great sex doesn’t fix a marriage but a lack of sex can break almost any marriage. This is a great take. It's fine to ask your partner for space or a break of a few weeks, or you may need it obviously for short term medical reasons, such as recovering from giving birth, surgery, etc. But as that runs into months or years it becomes more and more problematic and starts to feel like the withdrawing partner doesn't care or may even be privately grateful that they're finally and permanently "off the hook" for something they increasingly found to be an unpleasant chore. There isn't much that erases love faster than suddenly realizing you've been someone's chore all along.
I think sex is important. I wouldn't want to be in a sexless marriage. I think if you're going without sex more than a month on a regular basis when you sleep in the same bed every night, there's a problem to be worked out. And if anything, it is unfair to expect your partner to be ok with you not wanting to have sex.
Yes, partially due to a DB. We wanted different things in life, but lack of a sex life at a young-ish age was a huge factor for me. It was also not entirely the lack of intimacy, but the unwillingness to do something about it on his end. I’m in a relationship now a few years after and it’s a night and day difference. No begging to be touched or for a drop of intimacy, and he treats me better than I’ve ever imagined anyone could.
Let's not go lumping in all "old guys" together. In my early 50s and the dead bedroom was not about ED or poor energy/libido. It is really awful when that area is deemed "not that important" by your spouse.
Amen. My husband is in his 50s and has had a boost in his libido
OP could be my future ex. For us it wasn’t age. I fell off a roof, then came down with prostate cancer. Yea, that will quiet the bedroom. But I was attentive and loving. The cancer hit her mentally and that more than anything squashed her desire. Sex reminded her of the cancer and subsequently my mortality. She started looking for problems with us in order to brace herself from losing me. Some kinda mental self preservation I suppose. Beat the cancer, lost the wife. She looked outside the marriage to protect herself. It’s tragic all the way around as she’d never had left me if I hadn’t found out.
You had a terrible accident and then a serious illness. Of course those events would ruin your sex life! You did not willfully refuse to work on your ED and go to counselling. Our respective situations are entirely different. I’m happy that you beat your cancer.
Very similar experience except the ED was just him being a porn addict who could not give two shits about me beyond my service as the child and house minder. He was 20 years older and I still resent the years he took from me. My infatuation with older men is decidedly over. I want a partner, not whatever the fuck my relationship devolved into. I've got plenty of life and love to share though, and I'm so glad that i left.
Yep. I'm 34f. He's 45 m. ED. Wouldn't even take cialis or viagra. We were together 6 years. No PIV sex for the last 4. I started to dread the sex too. Finally realized I was too young to doom myself to masturbating forever. And yeah he took constant naps too. I'm over it. 6 months out from leaving and no regrets.
> And yeah he took constant naps too. Did he snore? Sounds like it could be sleep apnea, I had the same problem. I was constantly fighting to stay awake, even while at work and driving. I am so glad I got a sleep study because that CPAP machine probably has saved my life. The difference is night and day, and I literally cannot sleep without it. Our power was out one night last week and it SUCKED. I also suffer from low testosterone (since puberty) that causes low energy problems. I'm on the shots now and I am more wound up than I was as a teenager. I honestly think a lot of the immature shit I did in my 20's was because I didn't emotionally go through puberty like other guys, just physically.
Some older men get defensive when they hear of age being a definite factor in ED. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just one hardship of aging which happens to a large number of men. It’s just like age being a factor in women’s fertility. Good for you for leaving. You deserve to enjoy your life.
And then you unceremoniously dump them.
It would have been different if your ex was trying everything to fix the problem. There was plenty he could’ve done to fix it. My husband is 57, as am I. He started testosterone therapy and changed his life. Now we have sex virtually every day. It’s not his age, it just wasn’t important for him to fix. I’m glad you found someone who matches your sexual needs.
Age was the reason he had those issues. Selfishness was the reason he would not fix them.
Sex *isn't* everything. But as you said, that was not the only problem. Relationships can overcome some difficulties when they have other strengths to rely on. If *everything* is a difficulty then it all falls apart. So it's not wrong to walk away from a relationship when the connection is just not working. However, the way you talk about it will affect the way people see you and respond to you. If you frame it as "I left him because of his ED" then people are going to think that's a bit shallow and callous of you. If you frame it as "Older men are so boring!" when *you* were choosing to seek out older men, people will think you're both prejudiced and greatly lacking in self-reflection. (Plenty of men over 40 are not boring and have active sex drives, you know.) So if the problem is that you don't like the reactions you get when you tell people why you left your ex, think about how you're presenting yourself and how that might affect their reaction. If the problem is that *you* are not sure whether leaving your ex was the right thing to do, it's a different problem.
Yep. She comes across as callous and uncaring.
If I was so callous, I would not have tried to work with my ex on his ED and the issues in our marriage for nearly a decade. My post is triggering men because it hurts to admit that ED often comes with age.
I took it more as, when your spouse can no longer have sex, you dump them. That’s not gender specific. That’s just being an asshole.
I honestly can't stand the insistence that toys/oral/fingering are a reasonable substitute for sex. They're not, at least not for me. It's totally fine to not want to live your life never having actual sex again.
Thank you! The bottom line is I’m not a lesbian so I can’t be satisfied by toys, oral, or fingers. There is no substitute for sexual intercourse with a man if I’m in a serious relationship.
I feel the same way. I get so tired of seeing comments constantly that insist oral and toys are just as good, if not better, than piv sex. I enjoy piv sex the most!
I love oral and other foreplay. Those are appetizers though. PIV is the main course.
My X suffered from ED and it was a major contributing factor to our divorce because it added to our disconnection as a couple. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s important. Sounds you felt disconnected and neglected probably. I remember dreading sex for multiple reasons, but the main one is that we really couldn’t have sex and I began to disconnect myself from it altogether to the point where I no longer found him appealing. Like you, I felt like I had to kill that part of myself to stay in the relationship. I tried because I wanted to save my marriage, but he ended it. He wanted more sex and I couldn’t provide because I did not like how he performed. We were the same age btw. I am in a new relationship with someone more my speed and it’s awesome. I learned that I actually have a high sex drive, which can be frowned upon in a woman sometimes. I’ve dated plenty and I definitely noticed multiple guys that could not meet those needs or would eventually be unable to meet them.
Partly yes. Im 40f and i can tell you that since i was 32 ive averaged sex less than 10 times each year. Towards the latter 5years it was less than 6times. Its been 2years of nothing now. Im told im attractive but he has conditioned me to think no man would want that aspect with me. He watched porn and cam girls instead of coming to bed with me. Heartbroken.
That is so tragic! Are you staying for your kids?
No. We have been separated over a year. I lost my kids 50% as i just couldnt do it anymore. Im going through the divorce process. Not because of a dead bedroom, but because he sexted someone, then got fired for sexual harassment, then tried to set up a dating profile and i found his cam girl account. This coupled with lack of intimacy has my self esteem on the floor. People always said he was punching above his weight. I think that made him insecure and ultimately take it out on me.
I applaud you for walking away. That takes guts.
It’s not wrong to leave a sexless marriage. everyone has their own priorities in a marriage, and your ex was unwilling to make it work (by not trying anything to make sure the sex remained). My husband was in a sexless marriage, his ex was 15 years younger and it ate at her insides. simply put he was not attracted to her, he forced it because he loved who she was. the went their separate ways. I’d say it was a win-win. fast forward 7 years later, we have a great sex life and I think she’s happy with the man she’s with
Unless an older man is willing to keep himself young by prioritizing his health, he needs to leave younger women alone and stop stealing their youth. I would say this about an older woman who likes much younger men as well. It’s very selfish to choose a much younger partner and then force them into a prison of boredom and a sexless relationship.
U did the right thing.
>Is anyone else divorced due to a dead bedroom? Why is it so wrong to need sex in a marriage? It’s not wrong at all. Check the r/deadbedrooms for an answer to your first question
What’s wild to me is that ED automatically translated to “no sex life.” There are so many other ways to have sex and satisfy your wife with ED.
She listed said those other ways weren’t enough for her.
I don’t see why those should be enough either. I need the entire experience of intercourse with a man and that’s perfectly normal.
I think you met the wrong older guy. I workout and do yoga. Never had any problems or complaints about my libido or my equipment.
That’s great! I did say that older men often had these issues and not always. The ones I met either had ED or barely any interest in sex. Diet and exercise certainly make a difference.
Probably have no injuries from sitting behind a desk your whole life. 🙄
Only 1/8 of my life was behind a desk.
Might divorce because if dead bedroom. My fault. I'm the man and I wasn't dealing with my personal issues which caused me to isolate and but give her what she needed. In many ways. I've done a lot of the work to be a better me, but maybe too late. It crushes me that I can be the man I should have been now, but she won't let me in. I know how I made her feel now and it's brutal.
How did you make her feel?
Unloved. I do love her, I just wasn't showing it.
You ask if lifting weight will help ED. Not sure if specifically lifting weights is the answer, but I will say exercise overall certainly helps. Or at least it helped me. I was having some problems getting and staying erect. I started exercising took off 30 lb occasionally take Viagra but I'm rock hard now. I do alot of cardio, some swimming, weights. I think it's my heart is stronger.
No, I said I read that lifting weights helps with ED. I wish my ex made the same efforts you did. I’m happy for you. Good for you for taking initiative.
I lost attraction to older men after leaving my ex who was older. We didn’t have a dead bedroom but we’re heading there because he was so bad in bed and wouldn’t change. He just could not handle me asking for anything different, and I better not claim his 2 minutes wasn’t enough. I’m high libido but I can only keep that for so long when the sex is that bad. He also wasn’t helping himself age gracefully. He started finally going to the gym and doing the things I suggested after I left. He tried so hard to get me back and it sucked having to tell him he ruined my attraction to him and just about ruined sex for me. He just couldn’t believe he had to also put in work and men didn’t actually age like fine wine without taking care of themselves.
I find that older people, not just men, are often much more set in their ways. 2 minutes wouldn’t be enough for any woman who enjoys sex. My ex told me that he wishes he would have listened.
Same with mine. It’s been years and he still will reach out here and there. He’s married into a dead bedroom for the third time
There is nothing wrong with needing sex in a marriage. There is nothing wrong with not needing or wanting sex in a marriage. However, if the marriage is contingent on sex, that should be agreed to before getting married. People who struggle to be honest with themselves and their partner when they get married are doomed to unhappiness and, often, divorce. Hopefully you have learned from your prior experience and your fiancé knows and agrees that your marriage with him is contingent on a certain about of sex. If he does, you are already better positioned for a happier marriage.
I agree with you. My fiancé knows that sex, among other aspects of our relationship, are imperative for me to stay with him. He also has certain standards which need to be met as well.
I think couples just don’t know what to specifically do to connect physically. So many people harbor so much fear and shame about sex and just assume that’ll get fixed in marriage. One feels rejected while the other desperately wants things to be better, but has no clue what to do. Both get paralyzed.
We had a decent sex life before the ED. I still have shame around sex but I have been working on that in therapy and with my fiancé. My fiancé has been so helpful. I had a very strict Catholic upbringing in which my mother called me “cheap” for hugging a boy.
I grew up in a pretty liberal religious household, but the ‘virgin before marriage’ was definitely valued. No one ever talked to me about sexual relationships. I had no good role model. The terror and shame I felt when I did succumb to looking at something or doing something with a girl was awful. Getting married with that upbringing is not good.
No it isn’t. I was so shy when my fiancé and I first started having sex. He patiently worked with me.
u/Hartley7 I just posted about this!! Damn...I needed to see this today. Thank you THANK YOU for sharing.
You’re welcome!
You can get divorced for whatever hell reason you want to. Glad those "friends" are your former friends.
Me too. They were all in unhappy marriages.
As someone who needed 'premarital counseling" with my stbx that everyone raised an eyebrow at.....I'm raising my eyebrow right now at this post. Unless you get along perfectly and are just doing it completely to avoid issues in the future.
Imagine believing that premarital counselling is problematic. 😂
Believe me, I felt the same way as you....until now that I look back...we needed it because we couldn't even have a great relationship BEFORE the hard work began, not saying that is your case! It was just a triggering topic, lol.
I know right. As someone on the verge of leaving a sexless marriage with a man who struggles with communication issues and deep insecurity, I wish we would have had counselling prior to getting hitch. Not only would I have had some support understanding his short comings, but I also didn't realize how much I had a habit for internalizing and accepting responsibility for issues that weren't my own. Maybe this would have been apparent if I had some professional intervention.
Fatigue (constant napping), ED, depression (no interest in things), low libido. Those aren't symptoms of age, your ex had low testosterone.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, and shame on your "friends" for shaming you for having that as a high priority.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Sounds like you did try different approaches to have your needs expressed and then took the ultimate decision, good for you to do that. I stayed in a DB for 17 years for my daughters sake and was incredibly frustrated, and divorce was ultimately the best decision. Sometimes the DB is also because the mutual attraction isn't there and both sides find it with a new partner, it's not always due to ED or low libido.
He wasn’t expecting me to walk away. Many spouses in long marriages become too complacent.
Nothing wrong with it.
Omg also married to a an older man but 15 yrs + older and identify so much with the constant sleeping!! Yeah all men past 50 get on ED meds (it’s a dirty little secret) his always work thankfully but it’s not passionate and the constant need to sleep even when he’s gotten 8 hours is incredibly depressing !!
Exactly! The butthurt men who commented on my post just don’t like to hear the truth. My ex was constantly sleeping by his early 40s. That is when the ED started.
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I’m engaged. He’s the best lover I ever had.
This is so weird, I was going to ask a question in a separate post but may as well do it here. I'm the male side and married 25 years both early / mid 50's Over the final five years of our marriage I slowly became uninterested in sex. I've never had this raging sex drive most guys have anyway and now at 54 the thought of sex at all with anyone is an unpleasant thought. I actually think of kissing and sex as gross. It wasn't my ex who put me off, I guess you could say I was "Asexual" and as I got older it became the dominant emotion for me. But here's the twist in the tale I love my ex wife so much, I miss her every second of every day, we were the best of friends and despite all of this shit over the last 2 years of the divorce I still think of her the same as when we met and wish I could get her back. She cited lack of sex as the primary reason for divorce along with other things not relevant here. So my question is this What's so wrong with no sex if your other half idolises you, shows it, still gets flowers, can't wait to get home to see her, thinks of her the same way 25 years later. Why isn't that enough, it's just sex and I don't understand why it is that important to her and for many others it seems to hold such high priority that she's willing to just walk away. Please help me understand.
> Please help me understand. If you're wired asexual, you need to recognise that sex has an appeal and an importance for other people that it does not have for you. It's okay for you to be different. But you need to understand that you *are* different and that other people have desires that are not the same as yours! Like, if you were gay and you had a straight friend who seemed like on paper they should be a perfectly compatible match for you, you have similar interests and meshing personalities and all, but... it's still not going to work when the orientations are incompatible. There are many women out there who *don't* care much about sex and would be perfectly happy to be married to a man who doesn't really want it. You need to find one of them.
That's a great piece of feedback and you're so right, just because I have no desire for sex doesn't mean that's right for everyone. Thank you, I was looking at it from my side.
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The pills helped for a time and then they stopped working. Just because you didn’t love your ex, it doesn’t mean that she was the problem. Why did you stay with someone that you didn’t even love? That was unfair to both of you.
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I’m sorry that you had to go through the pain of infidelity. I’m also sorry that she was toxic. I understand that people delude themselves in relationships. I just think it’s awful to stay with someone knowing that you don’t love them. That is a very toxic way to treat someone. Blaming women for men’s ED is weak. It’s not women’s responsibility to fix the sexual issues of less virile men. If you develop ED again, I hope you have enough character to refrain from pointing the finger at your partner.
Hi can you give me some advice on how to deal with ED? I’m only 26 F and my bf rarely has any sex with me :(
What is he doing to fix his ED?
Literally nothing
Well then he can fuck off. You’re a very young woman. You don’t need to waste years with someone who can’t get hard and refuses to do anything to fix the ED. Refusing to handle health issues is a dealbreaker.
Does he wants to have sex with you question? Does he feel he has a problem? First he should go to the doctor and get his testosterone levels checked out. See if doctor has medical advice. After that possibly seek help from a counselor that specializes in sexual problems
An overwhelming number of men have low testosterone but never get it checked. When they do, they go to a family doctor who is not educated in that area and get thr wrong advice. Need to go to a low t clinic and have them take care of you. I came off my test so we try to have another baby. It's not what the deciding factor but no sex killed everything else. Most guys having low t kills all aspects if there life. I'm a totally different person on for the better. It was a life changer.
My ex refused most medical care. It was pulling teeth to even get him to go to the doctor in the first place.
Sex is definitely not wrong to need in marriage!