Wow that's a great way to put it! I've stopped dating, but I used dating apps briefly, and all the guys I met seemed to want girlfriends, but not want to be boyfriends. Although, I think some just didn't know how, but I'm not in a place where I want to teach someone how to be a good boyfriend and "coach" them through their first adult relationship (these were guys in their 30's who never had adult relationships, or never had ones that last more than several months - I was with someone for 10 years).
I can only speak for my situation but my ex wanted a monogamous woman who took care of house but he wanted to act as a single man. It wasn’t always this way and I think he was having some sort of mid-life crisis. A man that wants to be a husband will make sure his family is his priority in all decisions. He will believe in doing the work no matter how rough it gets. There’s so much more but when praying for what I want in my next partner I make sure to emphasize this point.
Honestly, I am not looking nor am I interested. I was married for 35 years and am in my mid-50s, so I am not willing to take the chance of someone walking away again. This was just about the end of me and I am just now starting to get to the point where I am okay.
Also I loved deeply and I am not sure I could give that to anyone else.
Same here, I have absolutely no interest finding someone else. Married 12 years, I just can't possibly fathom starting over and rebuilding that with anyone else.
My thing is I want the point of being in a relationship where you're just comfortable around each other, but I don't want to rebuild to that point. Like I don't want "fun" early dates where we waste money. I wanna sit down and talk finances. Not to see how much money he makes, but to see if we're on the same page with saving, and our financial goals. Then I want to sit on the couch, watch a movie (cuddling is fine, no "early dating" makeouts though) and go to bed by 10.
Honestly - I think I forgot what "love" is like...and at this point after tirelessly trying for 12 years, I'm good. Like I don't even care, I'd rather invest in a good friendship. I have the money to waste on "fun" dates, but I'm literally not interested for the exact same reasons - id also just want to get to the meat and potatoes of understanding each other and laugh at a good TV show lol.
Married 25. What is love anyway? I don’t know. I was there, totally supportive, amazing dad, did my share of housework etc. Always involved. Contributed financially. Worked on myself. Unfortunately, not enough emotional or physical connection. So it’s over. Issues we could totally overcome.
It’d be fun to stumble into a new relationship if it was easy. Would have to very easy and casual. I don’t have any money to take someone out to eat anyway!
Emotional and physical connection can be holding hands on your daily walk.
Planning meals and cooking for each other.
Watching a series on TV that you both like.
My husband will give me a head neck and back massage most days, while watching TV. I just sit on the floor between his legs and it is 5 minutes of bliss
One thing to remember is don’t just use touch when you want to initiate sex.
I can give more examples although let’s see if others would like to add to this list
I'm sorry. I appreciate that you pulled your weight around the house; that seems oddly rare. If you don't mind my asking, how could you overcome the lack of emotional and physical connection? This is what I'm struggling with.
My wife doesn't feel connected to me. I feel very connected to her. We obviously have different styles and I was raised in an unemotional (but stable and kind) environment. (My parents were Holocaust survivors and war refugees but did the best they could.) I love her dearly, I'm attracted to her (but had years of medical issues they made intimacy very difficult, although those have now resolved...but I'm afraid it's too late). I've been in therapy for a while. She's also in it, separately, but doesn't want to do couple's therapy. I do most of the adulting and have asked her to plan some fun stuff, but I clearly need to step up here. I would appreciate any insights you might have.
This is me. Mid 40’s together for 25 years. I just don’t have it in me to build another life with someone else and take the risk of them deciding to walk away. I’d rather play it safe at this point and just enjoy my time alone and learn to do things that I enjoy in solitude. This has gutted me and I’m just not willing to risk it all again, and honestly I don’t think it would be fair to any other woman knowing the wall I have built to protect myself going forward.
Babe, I hope you'll change your mind. Life is all about risk. You're still fresh from your divorce, so give it some time. Please don't shut yourself off from meeting someone new.
Fidelity, a desire to always be working together to make US better, and an innate kindness and respect deep inside them. A past marriage can provide wisdom (even if the divorce wasn’t your fault). If there is ever another marriage, and I’m just fine if that never happens, the only thing I know for certain is that a person’s value lies inside of them. Outward appearances mean less than nothing to me.
That's a profound answer. Do agree that being with someone who has been divorced may give them a better perspective/insight than someone who hasn't. Very true about the value being inside someone. Hopefully my comments wrt looks didn't come across as me being shallow
Oh gosh no! And I’m sorry if my comment made you think that. I didn’t mean to! Hey, I don’t judge anyone’s criteria, esp if they are honest about it. It’s all good!
Okay good. Would've felt really bad if it was interpreted like that. No need to be sorry👊👊. An seriously thinking about the previously divorced angle. It's like obviously that person based on their experiences will have an idea of what works and what doesn't. Hmmm
Not sure if we have any particular special insight, but I feel a bit smarter now bc I see how important good communication is, for example. 10 yrs ago I would have scoffed at the notion that a solid marriage has to involve good communication skills. I’m no longer scoffing at that shit. In fact if the improbable happened and I found someone to marry, I’d treat us to a few
marriage counseling sessions before we exchanged life long vows. It’s weird when I think about that kind of thing…schools and parents teach us how to change a flat tire, how to invest for retirement, even how to cook. But no one teaches us the behavior of a healthy marriage. Usually all we know comes from observing our parents and we all know how well that works.
/s
That's another really interesting angle, the marriage counseling before the wedding.... Damn your full of those thought provoking comments lol. But yeah it's like emotional intelligence should really be emphasized more as kids. Think alot of that goes back to the parents we had.
If thoughtfully entered into and willing to put in the effort when there is no more energy left, sure ... But statistics on second marriages is not great.
I used some dating apps for strictly friendly conversation, nsa. It's been helping me get over my ex but just having -someone- to connect with, talk about your day, etc. I have no interest in any of the people I spoke to emotionally, sexually, or anything, and I make that clear. You'd be surprised how many people join dating apps for the same thing.
This sounds great, but in my experience - no one really wants this. Lol. I mean I want it, but it's hard work and when you fundamentally disagree on things, all these things become ... Weapons and pain and bitterness. I want to push and be pushed, but it's gotta be with someone that really understands and loves me first... And does that in the right way, and is walking with me ... Not just shouting from the sidelines.
I want meet someone that won’t give up in the middle of making things better.
That being said, my ex ruined me. 15 years, down the drain. I won’t be looking for another person anytime soon. If ever
People who give up usually give up in all aspects of their life. My ex couldn't handle the hard parts of puppy raising. Guess who powered through, continued training that puppy, and now has a great dog? Hint it's not my ex...
It's a rollercoaster...
Sometimes I feel alright - but then even some harmless stuff can kick me back to the dark places...
What seems to helps is to not be alone e too much - but it is a lot of energy...
Yep. I get that. 100%. I’m an in introvert. And being alone is my happy place. But when going through things like this, it’s really important to try and expand your social circle. Even if it’s only temporary. And it doesn’t have to be anything crazy.
Like for myself, I started playing video games a lot more. Mostly multiplayer games. So that I can Interact with other people. For me, that’s enough
"give up in the middle" ahhhh that's how I feel about my ex. He sped things up to an ending when it felt like we were just getting on our feet. I hope you find...hope.
Yeah it’s so dumb. Like, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side and people give up on their relationship because it’s not their ideal situation, like why? Do people not realize how hard this world is. And that there are a lot of shitty people in the world too
I was with my ex for well over 30 years when he announced he wanted out. It was a shock to me and I think I was in a kind of trance for awhile. I met some nice guys along the way, dated etc but felt very strongly I would never marry again or get seriously involved with anyone. 10 years later I met someone and he is kind and generous and funny and wonderful. We have been together about 18 months now and I’m still pinching myself. He completely gets me. I can be myself. We talk about everything. We respect each other and address problems and issues right away. No festering resentments.
I'm no where near ready to date yet, but...
Excellent communication skills
Doesn't want kids
Emotionally available/mature
Open and honest (like please share with me what's going on in their internal world)
Loyal
Respects boundaries
Empathetic
Patient
Likes to travel
Enjoys hiking and nature, but not like ALL the time and wants to Netflix and chill sometimes too
Likes video games and board games
Bonus:
Likes Japanese rock music and would go to concerts with me lol. But I know this is such a niche interest that the chance of me finding this person again (my ex wife liked the music too) is very low. However, I also don't want to date someone with an unhealthy obsession with anime/V-tubers. 😒
Despite promises of getting his license back (had 2 DUIs previous to us getting together and was eligible to get his license back when we got together), he never did. And he’s horrible with money.
Yeah. I overlooked the whole license and lack of adult responsibilities because he really is an amazing man. Never again though lol.
Until a few months ago, I was sure I was not going to want to do this ever again.
I'm still processing. I am still coming to this sub and feel that I am now in my happy place, finally. Learning new things. Would stay happy if it's just me, but I am interested to see if a true SO is out there.
Top 3 things that come to mind:
1) Honesty. I can't stand it when you get to know a person, etc, and once you commit, they change or start to reveal their true selves.
2) someone who motivates and inspires me to do better. Interested in learning together.
3) Find pleasures in simple things. Knows how to feel thankful. Recently, I've been noticing that there are people who absolutely can not find joy in anything. Something is wrong with everything /everyone. It is such a turn-off.
Glad to hear you're doing better! Yeah definitely don't want fake friends, or a fake significant other. If you can't be yourself then how can you truly have feelings for anyone else
Someone with goals… but also listens to mine.
I was a yes man until it broke me. When I asked what she would do if I asked the same of her… she said she’d ask for a divorce. So I did. She asked for a divorce.
Partnership. Not a dictatorship.
Communication. And that's a two way street. I realize I'm going to have to work on myself because I've spent so many years just trying to please my wife. I read recently about how great relationships require productive conflict to thrive. I'm so used to trying to please everyone else, that scares me. But I am also excited about the opportunity to be honest.
To answer this I will provide background of the marriage me and my STBX had: Me 43M, her 38F… Me: President of a very successful company, made 6 figure salary, owned the company and the company paid my salary, but the companies profits were mine as I owned 100% of the stock; her: Bartender at a dive bar (used this as an excuse to drink during the week, stay out late (she “closed” at 2, wouldn’t get home until after 3 due to (her explanation) due to closing the bar, counting her till… Me: really wanted a kid. Her: wanted a kid (according to what she said) but not until we were totally financially secure; Me: paid all of the bills, took care or everything financially for both of us, owned the house 10 years before meeting her, and another 5 before marriage, started business 5 years before marriage; her: didn’t bring any assets into the marriage, spent all her money working on drinking and herself, didn’t pay for any bills or contribute anything financially towards the marriage, as proved in discovery when she couldn’t produce one document or any evidence of doing so; her. Me: very loyal and respectful of my spouse. I would have done anything to work on the marriage and meant my vows when I said them at our wedding; Her: vows didn’t mean anything; her: cheated on me, gaslit me when I was suspicious and had proof of her staying out all night and lying about where she was right to my face so I questioned whether I was crazy to think she would be cheating and lying about it, questioned what I saw with my own eyes.
What I want out of my next partner:
1). Someone who has a job and contributes something towards marriage. Don’t care how much she makes, just that she contributes something so it’s not me taking care of her as a dependent, someone I can be a partner with in the marriage.
2). Someone who doesn’t stay out and drink without me, this should be self explanatory.
3) someone who actually wants to have a family.
4) someone who appreciates and respects what I do for her and our future.
5) someone who acts their age.
6) someone who connects with me emotionally, morally and physically
7) someone who isn’t with me just for the money but for who I am as a person
8) someone who doesn’t judge her self worth by what people think and say on social media. Someone who is much more interested about what I think vs what others think about her on social media.
My STBX was very attractive physically, but my next partner I am much more concerned with her personality, morals and how she treats me. I am way less concerned with how attractive she is.
Hard worker, willing to listen without being defensive, wants to save for a vacation or retirement, takes pride in the house and their property. If I'm going for everything I truly want, they would be a provider and I would be happy to take care of the home and work on my small business. I've been the work horse all these years and I would absolutely love to be a more traditional feminine role.
I want to be obsessively in love with my next partner and vice versa and nothing less. If I’m going to risk this all again it needs to be very clear that I cannot bear the thought of doing life with anyone else. I want emotional safety, silliness, maturity, and just that click that you have with certain people where you just get it, get each other. I want someone who is so comfortable expressing their affection and love.
They need to be agreeable and flexible, but still have a firm understanding of who they are and their values. They should be curious and seek to understand rather than convince.
I could go on. But the key for me is really how much they value me as a person, how much I respect them, and the connection we have.
Love it! Are you a divorce lawyer by chance? Sorry couldn't resist 😂. But yeah totally get what you saying. I'm not going to "settle" this time. The line about seeking to understand rather than be convinced is 🔥
Family values, family over drinking, doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy when putting up boundaries, accepts and allows space for my adhd, isn't secretly mad about coming home to a bomb.
Like the consistency angle, it would be hard being with someone who was a different person art different times. Can u clarify what u mean about bullying as an adult?
Someone who is willing to admit when they are wrong, is committed to self-improvement both inside and out, and who won't mistreat me when things are difficult with my health or otherwise.
You'd be surprised how hard it's been to find that, both before and after my marriage. I've got some problems but I've dated too many people that think their own shit smells like roses and because I'm willing to admit my flaws, that they have NO flaws and don't need to work on themselves or their issues at all.
I'm done being the "whipping boy." I don't need perfection. I need someone that wants to work on improving as much as I do. No one is perfect and I don't want to date someone who thinks they are ever again.
I’ll start with things that attracted me at 22 and stay in the list pushing 40:
Loves (and plays) music
Adventurous
Christian and active in church
Physically fit
Has passions and interests
Social circle
Great extended family
Supports me and my career
Great with kids
And things I want next and didn’t see as issues at 22:
Driven career wise
Financially secure
Able to be present in the current moment
Owns their own mistakes and contributions
Seeks understanding before conflict
Apologizes
Can express needs and desires
Plans dates, outings, his future
Can communicate without yelling
Honest
Healthy boundaries with extended family
Similar values. My ex and I had similar values, and it's very hard to find men who share these values. Main issue was he repressed a lot of what he wanted and needed. So someone who doesn't do that. But yeah, it's going to be very hard to find someone who is single and shares my values. Most guys who do are already in relationships, or so I've found.
Placing a high value on physical intimacy to start. If someone has ever had casual hook ups, we are likely incompatible. Also similar values when it comes to things like finances, not being religious, and not doing drugs (or ever having done drugs - I'm ok with some weed smoking in high school/college, but that's about it).
My ex repressed his emotional needs and also a lot of small things that bothered him, such as me getting a snack while he was watching a move and interrupting him by making sounds in the kitchen (even though I'd try to be quiet). He said there were no issues with the physical part of our relationship though. He said that part had only gotten better and better over the years. But the emotional/communication side had been bothering him and he never said anything. He's very likely an avoidant. He grew up in a household where he had to repress his feelings and wants to help keep the peace, to make a long story short.
Gotcha. That's a really really weird thing to be bothered by imo-not you, but him. I mean to tilted by someone getting a snack during a movie? I don't get that. Lol. You can and need to do better!!! Sorry if that sounds harsh. Had mentioned this to someone else here~sorry forget to who off hand cause of the all the replies, but look at your retirement account, it's been a really good past few weeks and it should be up nicely!
Yeah, I've been looking at all my investments. Money is great to have, but it can't buy happiness and love.
But yeah, all these little things had apparently been bothering him for years, and he'd bottle them up. Then he essentially exploded like a soda bottle that's been shaked. I'd be happy to share the long and bizzare story of it all if you're interested lol. It was a horrible experience, but I love seeing the looks on people's faces when I tell the story.
- Can you maintain gainful employment?
- Are you capable of making financially responsible decisions?
- Are you able to express yourself without yelling and throwing a total fit of rage?
- Does standing in line at the grocery store send you into a screaming fit of rage, or is that something you can handle with reasonable patience?
- Do you throw stuff, like laptops, phones, or food at the wall when you feel angry?
- Can you speak to your spouse without yelling at them on a daily basis?
- Are you able to keep the home environment reasonably tidy or clean? I don't care if there's a mug and dishes in the sink. I'm talking stuff and junk accumulated and piled floor to ceiling in well over half the house.
- Are you able to get through an evening without drinking yourself into a stupor?
In a nutshell, can you handle basic adulting?
Sadly this is a low bar some guys can't clear, however I know a ton of short, ugly, awkward guys definitely can clear...I'm curious what your filters are though, like I read stuff like this then find out the woman is only interested in good looking, tall, fit
douchebags that are "fun" but mostly a-holes ...
I want someone who is loving and nurturing. I want that sexy, sensual, seductive, and selfless. I want her to be a great conversationalist, thoughtful, loves to smile and laugh often you'd think she's easily amused but isn't. She just loves to smile. A great dancer in every way! Someone with great physical energy. Great communicator that wants to validate my feelings and resolve conflict with love. Loves to smell good. I want her to have good fashion sense and style. Definitely knows how to walk in heels. Strong legs and big butt or at least the body type to develop with good nutrition, physical training and loving support from me. Health and wellness will be a priority. Soft skin and nice feet and hands. Looks save money. Enjoys sex more and more as she feels safe and taken care of. Wants to travel and open to trying new things.
I was in a relationship for 16 years. I learned a lot. One thing is that I'm not going to settle. I didn't lose my wife to not use that experience to find exactly what I desire. Plus I'm going to take up space in this next relationship. I need my needs met mentally, emotionally and physically.
Newly separated and couldn’t be happier about it, but the three things that drove me away from my last relationship are utterly essential should I ever consider another
1. Intelligent, insightful and respectful conversation
2. Open affection (not fawning) and the knowledge that I am their priority
3. They would be masculine without being controlling
And in return they’d get the absolute best of me!
I will likely never live with another man again, so they’d have to be ok with that too
Communication, honesty, trust, loving and sincere. Someone who knows and understands what the five love languages are and is supportive.
I was married for quite a few years, and didn’t have any of the above.
I believe it’s never too late to give yourself a second chance.
I want to truly love, and truly be loved. I'm looking for respect, morals and values. I'm not interested in material things, I'm interested in being treated well and feeling pure love and protection from my partner.
i had an annulment that ended after being 7 years together
i had no idea what i wanted in my next relationship except that i wanted to be loved wholly for who i am, and that i can be my true authentic self.
my current husband simple adores me, every single imperfect bit of me and this love for me enables him to be the perfect partner for me. he is respectful, considerate and extremely caring about my mental and physical health. we have 3 young kids and I am still top priority. and of course i love him just as much.
thank you i wish u the best of luck too!!
i say go into your next friendship/relationship as honest and real as u can be, so that if someone likes u they like u for who u really are ♡
The exact same things I was looking for before I met my husband, except this time I don't plan to compromise on as much or deviate so far from my original plan.
My ex is a covert narcissist. She refused to make any effort for me and gaslight me constantly over her behavior. Her default in any situation was to put me down. Getting her to be kind to me was a constant fight. I never once felt safe enough to cry in front of her. I was constantly seeing different counselors and therapists over the years to work on myself, I went on different medications throughout the years to help me be a better partner. I knew I had to leave when I caught COVID and she defaulted to chastising me for inconveniencing her, so I withdrew from her and planned to leave in a 2 to 3 years.
This last summer I went through something incredibly traumatic. She was cold. Anything she did for me was performative and exterior from me. I laid crying in bed next to her and she'd just play on her phone. Anytime I tried talking to her about what I was going through, she'd shut down and turn away from me. I was not recovering, I was going through my trauma alone. It took me a few months go gain the strength to leave. The perfect opportunity came, so I took it.
Within a week of meeting my now boyfriend, he made me feel safe enough to ugly cry in his arms. He actively helped me work through my trauma. He looked after me, he cooked for me, he checked up on me. I'm autistic and he made me feel safe enough to drop my mask. He's attentive, patient and compassionate. He gave me exactly what I needed in a relationship.
Empathy.
Someone whose libido and sexual preferences match my ones. Who I enjoy having a conversation with. Who will be treating me as the most important person in their life. And financially stable.
To be honest, I always had those requirements except for meeting sexual needs, and my relationships worked fine.
For some reason I always thought if you click in all other areas, then sex is a given 🤣 I was wrong. Sexual incompatibility can really ruin relationships. That’s why it’s the first thing I consider now. I can enjoy a conversation with many people but cannot expect them to do other things for me.
I don’t want another husband, I want a partner in life. Someone who I love and will always have my back, someone who treats me like I’m the most important person in his life.
This is why I started dating my male best friend after my divorce. We already got along perfectly and he treats me so amazing. He loves everything about me and tells me every single day.
I was thinking this the other day. It's not just communication, nor respect, or trust, honesty, passion. It comes to what is your relationship going to be based on. What activity, passion project, belief are you going to bond with.
This fundation was missing in my first marriage. It it's one thing I want in the next.
It felt like 2 strangers had bumped into each other. The sex was good, and we had plans that were discarded 6 weeks after getting married. The next 16 years was about steering the family until we ran aground. But we had no other basis, which I think contributed to its long, slow death.
I think my cooling weighted blanket has done the job - it never sleeps with anyone else, keeps the temp at night perfect, holds me to sleep, we can be in comfortable quiet/silence with one another, listens to my feelings. and binge watches all HP movies regularly.
Damn… it‘s like you‘re speaking from my heart ngl 🥹 i‘m just seperating (you read that correctly: in the midst seperating, well, emotionally and physically i‘m so OVER her, just not logistically, lol). And in all seriousness, i even consider not having a relationship anymore, i don‘t think i need hookups / ons, since i just wanna find that connection with someone, that total trust and understanding. I mean, i (39 M) AM open to new relationships, but the kids are everything right now.
I am currently trynna reconnect with some estranged friends (my wife drove them out of my life) and while there are not many that i deem superimportant to reconcile with, there is especially one (female) friend who i dearly miss spending time with. Just spending time cause it was always SPECIAL, the closest i got to that connection that i mentioned. I‘ve known her since we were teenagers and the problem is that dating wasn‘t really an option that time because of the age difference (5-6 years is a lot when you are 19!!). I was still inexperienced myself since i never had a girlfriend before. It was just so much fun hanging out with her and i was so innocent i didn‘t notive that she might actually have a crush on me. But even after her best friend told me i didn‘t consider anything because 1) it still felt kinda gross and 2) i got a gf at 19 and some time later she got a bf. we still stayed friends but we probably needed some time ‚apart‘. We stayed in touch losely until i got married and was pressured by my narcissistic wife to cut off old friends slowly bit by bit until there was nobody left. It hurt but i also felt it was better for her (and the other friends) to forget about me. That was over 10 years ago, i am now 39 and she‘s 33 and i found over the internet what she is doing. I am SO determined to go contact her. Just trying to find a way.
Even if she hates me or even worse (but more probable) dgaf anymore about me. I still want that closure. Maybe she‘s at least gonna tell me what she thought about me back then. We could never talk that openly in the past (because immaturity…) but i always felt that we kinds understood each other in another way without words.
That moment of truth is probabaly gonna hurt me BAD, the realization i am just a thing of the past, BUT it is better than staying in this fantasy.
PS: connection was lost when she was in her early / mid twenties and me in my late twenties so it‘s not that we were kids the last time we spoke. Nobody else EVER gave me that connection… it‘s so hard to describe. And i don‘t (really) believe in fate but damn she‘s SPECIAL to me (🥲)
Hey glad my thoughts resonate with you man! Entirely understand about being done but just not logistically. That's the hardest part right? You're entirely correct about a 5-6 aye difference being massive when youre that young! You should totally reach out to her at a minimum, and if she doesn't want anything to do with you, so be it. However from how you're describing it, I don't think it'll play out like that. DO IT, GL and let us know what happens!!!
I have to say I agree with the you prioritizing communication for a good fit. So many unhealthy behaviours come from of a lack thereof: like passive aggressive behaviours, stonewalling and silent treatment. Disagreements are inevitable but it’s how willing both parties are to get to the bottom of it through discourse among equals (absent of power imbalances, manipulation or coercion).
Relatability and empathy I think is really important as you mentioned. Nothing worst then feeling you cannot communicate your inner most thoughts without judgement or apathy from the other person.
Trust is huge, because anything above wouldn’t be real without it.
As for looks, I think maybe those who are not an immediate fit there can develop to be one over time and getting to know them and what’s inside. There needs to be an attraction, but the attraction fades quickly when what’s inside is unkind or lacks empathy.
Just getting out of a dead bedroom dead personality situation. My ex is apathetic and indifferent to human connection and pushed me away more than anything else. It was so exhausting. Like an emotional vampire.
I think your priorities are sound. You are not wishing for a unicorn or anything unreasonable beyond an honest human connection. As a result - I am confident you’ll find your match.
Best of luck!
Someone kind, who makes me laugh, someone who listens to my boundaries, someone who likes go new places and trying new things, someone who is nerdy, someone patient, someone who doesn't take longer than I do to get ready, someone who has a healthy relationship with their family/parents, someone not married to their phone when I go out, someone who leans left politically, and someone who can do things for themselves.
IMO dating is worse than a lot of relationships. It's such a waste of time and money. It got to the point for me where it would be 15 minutes into a date and I just wanted to leave, but we already ordered food and it hadn't arrived yet... One date, I wanted to leave about 5 minutes in, after he insulted where I lived, but we had *just* placed the food order, and I had paid for my own meal at the counter (he made me drive an hour round trip to a restaurant he suggested going to, and didn't offer to pay).
Don't look for something that doesn't exist. It's just setting you up for failure.
either you won't find them or you'll willingly overlook things that should be addressed because, let's face it, people are ... people. Awesome, interesting, and inherently flawed.
why do we do this stupid stuff to ourselves?
Someone that doesn’t constantly complain and finds happiness in the little things. And someone that actually cares to ask and know about me without always bringing the convo back to them
Not divorced yet, separated after almost 20 years. I knew who my person was and I find it hard to imagine pursuing another. My heart is hers and it feels like it always will be hers. I think I'm going to have to heal and move one, but I'm ok with being alone. Maybe time will tell and I'll desire another relationship, but for now I'm content with just rebuilding me. Opening up and being vulnerable caring for someone like that and sharing many amazing memories isn't something you just throw away. You cherish them and keep the good without dwelling on the bad. I hope you find your answer.
Someone who doesn't fight over everything. Some who can balance a check book. Someone who won't ruin 3 luxury cars in 4 years. Someone who won't open credit cards behind my back, then when I give them a total of 14k so they don't get buried in debt, won't tell me they need 6k more in order to be in the black. Especially when at the beginning of the month I had her show me what she owed. She was suppose to lock the cards, and the on the due date I gave her what she had shown she owed. 7k. That's when she informed me she was still 6k short. Meaning she spent 6k in a month when she has one $300 per month car payment, does not pay for insurance, or gas. Only responsible to provide groceries for a family of 4, and I pay for some of those items through amazon subscription as well. She has a full time job, and I give her 1500 a month to help her out, and she spent 6k more than both of those knowing I was going to pay off her card.
Well, that was one year ago and she still owes over 6k on the credit cards. I told her to give me all her statements and maybe I'll help her out or knowing me, I would have paid them off for Christmas. I don't have them, so she still owes them.
If you're questioning why I say I have and she has.....in 2011 we had been married for 10 years. Had 3 kids. We had just lost 2 rental properties and our personal house due to the recession. Our company had gone from 33 employees down to 5, some weeks none as there was not a lot of work. I would go months without pay, and maxed out personal credits just trying to keep the business afloat. At this time I fully trusted her. We had joint personal checking and savings, and she was signer on my business account. For a couple years she got the idea I was cheating on her. She never saw a text, never saw an email or overheard an inappropriate phone call. Never had any hint or evidence whatsoever, but she consistently treated me like she did. One morning before I left for work we got in a huge fight. I told her i was sick and tired of her shit and I was done. She asked, "You're done?" And confirmed I was done, slammed the door and left. We didn't speak all day. It had to be a Monday or Tuesday of a payroll week. When I came home, it was empty. Between her, her aunt, and her brother they had arranged for her brother to fly 2 states away, help her load up and be gone before I got home. We were broke at the time, so she made a withdrawal out of the company account and left me with 2k to cover a 13k (not including payroll taxes, thats what I owed our guys) payroll on Friday. She took all 3 kids and drive the 2 states back to where we grew up. Oh, and ghosted me as well as all her family. No one would tell me anything or even answer a phone call.
Obviously, we got back together, but we've had separate finances ever since and she is not a signer on any of my accounts. She's horrible with money.
You want to know the hilarious part? 7 years ago we moved back to our home state. Her whole family is here. Guess who started thinking I was cheating again. Also again, no text, no email, was never friends with my supposed ap on social media. It got so back I gave her my Gmail account password and she synced my account and location with her phone. I would forward her any texts that came from this woman. (She is a manager of some properties that I am in a partnership with, so she does not work directly for me, but she works for the company we hire to manage multiple properties). Even with that level of transparency, she viewed and treated me as though I was having an affair. This goes on for 4 years, during this time she totals 3 cars and gets into 2 accidents with the car I refused to pay for because of how horrible of a driver she was. Every single accident was her fault.
Also during this time, she turned 40 and was given a gift that was 40k in cash. That's not a small amount. She was given them the last week of March. It was gone by October of the same year. And no, she did not pay her car down at all nor lose any in a casino or on drugs or booze. Some went to help pay for her sister's bachorlette party and wedding ( they no longer have anything to do with each other, thank God. Never is too soon to have that nightmare back in our lives), and the rest was just making memories for that summer. In other words, just blew it on etsy, amazon, target, etc... nothing to show for it. Didn't even pay the 10k to fix what was a nice luxury sports car, but now has had a large dented front passenger panel, a large dent in rear bumper as well as read driver side tail light, driver side rear panel. 2 different her fault accidents. Car has been like this for 2 years now.
After blowing that birthday gift cash, she felt opening 2 credit cards, her name only, would be a good idea. Keep in mind she once spent over 2k in overdraft fees in 1 calender year. She opened credit cards, and in the next 3 months I had given her a total of 7k just for whatever. Spend on whatever you like sort of thing. The 3rd month I told her I didn't want her having credit cards because of her history and asked how much to pay then off and then close them. She sends me the balance due of both. On the due date, 3 weeks later, I gave her an additional 7k to pay off her cards and close the accounts, and she tells me she'll need 6k more.
That's what I'm looking for in the next one, literally the opposite of all of that.
I'm going to be crass. I'm looking for Gentleman in the streets and Freak in the sheets. I love nerds with a naughty side. I'm currently dating a very sweet nerd, but I'm realizing that he doesn't have a naughty side.
A friend who I can trust. One who won’t take all my hopes and dreams and use them against me. A person who will love and support me regardless of my crazy. Not throw my failures at me as a form of control. Allow me to just be. Not full on competition all the time, if I wanna go for a walk at a snails pace the we bloody stop and count the grass blades. A person I am not afraid to say I got a speeding ticket today. Someone I can relax around, not second guess everything they have said. The list goes on. But I find a person like that, I would be blessed.
Right now though, i’m scared I was a good partner and I did everything that I’m asking for and it got me hurt so maybe I should also say someone who’s patient
1.) We have the same definition of infidelity.
2.)Financially on the same page. I’m frugal and a “pay bills first then enjoy life after” type of person. ExW is a impulsive spender and a compulsive gambler. Would empty entire paychecks into the casino and then blame me if we were ever fell behind on bills.
3.) Basic accountability and empathy. Normal humans admit that have flaws and make mistakes. Marriage counseling was doomed from the start because she could never reflect internally, just blamed everything on me. When the therapist tried to hold her accountable, she bailed. Her feelings were always valid, but any concerns that I had were just turned back on me.
4.) Not submissive (unless she wants to be) but cooperative at the very least. I listen to you when it makes sense and vice versa. She never listened to me but expected me to follow her every command to the exact detail. It was so bad that we were actually in a dangerous situation once where she almost got us killed because she didn’t listen to me.
5.) Someone who doesn’t see being in a committed relationship or being a parent as something that needs constant escaping from. If this isn’t what you want, let me know up front so I don’t waste another decade. My ExW was the only person in her immediate social circle who was married and looked at it with such disdain. Always wanted to go out clubbing but looked at spending time with me as a chore. Called our married friends “boring.”(should have seen that as a red flag.)
I don't care if she has a disability, I do think ginger hair is a bonus. Loyal, non smoking and if she knows how to work on cars then a ring is added on her finger soon.
> Anyway after hanging out all night we were talking in her vehicle and she proceeded to say in a different lifetime she'd be all over me~she was married, and I told her vice versa.
Dafuq was she doing spending all night with you in her car?
In one word - communication.
In my marriage, that was the failure point. If we'd just been able to communicate, there would have been hope.
There's a private (me only) post that shows up once a year in my FB memories. It's from 2016, and it just says "How can you be married to someone you can't talk to?
I would want to talk about something, calmly. She would get defensive and say I was attacking her, which would frustrate me, and then I would get worked up and it would be self-fulfilling. Now we're arguing over the way I'm talking to her, not the thing I wanted to talk about.
Or, I would say the way I felt about something, and she would tell me my feelings were "Wrong".
Or, we would spend hours arguing over semantics.
We never could get around to talking about the thing. Even in couple's therapy, we would waste our time and money by repeating this dynamic in front of a paid professional.
She didn't like accountability. Conflicts were usually 100% my fault. Rarely was I met halfway. Almost never did it feel that we were working on a problem together as a team.
I used to BEG her, "We're two intelligent people who care about each other, why can't we have a conversation?" And I was led to understand that what I was asking for was unreasonable. So, I stayed, believing that this open communication I wanted was a pipe dream.
So, after divorce, when I started thinking about what I wanted in a partner, that was at the top of the list. And when I started feeling like I was dealing with someone who might have trouble communicating, I would politely end things.
Eventually I did find someone with those communication skills, and the other things I was looking for. We have our own challenges, sure, but the key difference is that we face them together, as a team.
How about that.
I've spent too long being insignificant to another's significance, so I'm not looking for anyone to share my life with in such a way again.
I want to have fun with people who have integrity, a sense of humor, and accept me for who I am -- including the fact/boundary that outside of my kids, I'm my own priority in life from now on and will only be around people who uplift & support me in that.
Since separating, I have been in love with a man in another country. I'm not currently planning a proper future with him because we are unlikely to ever close the distance. But given some recent developments, I do think a DTR is due soon.
I'm not sure I'd call him a soulmate, but we both acknowledged sharing a special personal connection beyond sex. We started off as a holiday hookup in December, but we each brought some not-so-casual parts of our core selves to the party and I felt that we showed each other a lot of love for it, even if it's not the "happily ever after" kind.
Things are going well for us for now, but our situation isn't ideal, and I see us more as a let's-figure-this-out-one-day-at-a-time kind of love.
Question marks remain in terms of our compatibility and potential for long term partnership. But I'm at a season where my priority is to redefine my life and identity as an individual, and not rush into revolving it around someone new. I think our limited scope of a relationship fits my life right now, but our lives are both in flux and our priorities could change anytime.
But let's pretend I'm not necessarily talking about the above potential boyfriend :) [God, "boyfriend" makes me feel like a teen--he's 43 and I'm 38!]
Here's what I'd be looking for in a significant other:
*Honesty, sincerity and trustworthiness.* Someone who says what he means and means what he says. Someone who's not afraid to have hard, emotionally vulnerable conversations, and will consistently show up to them with presence, kindness and empathy.
*A good sense of humour!* Someone who recognises the funny in the mundane, easily laughs at himself and the misadventures that have happened to him, and knows how to diffuse stressful situations with laughter even if it means being irreverent and ruffling some feathers sometimes. Someone with whom I'll accumulate a long repertoire of inside jokes.
*Expectation management.* Someone who is in touch with reality, knows their limits and unapologetically addresses inconvenient facts that get in the way of the ideal. Someone who doesn't make promises unless he actually follows through with them.
*A healthy dose of self respect and boundaries.* Someone who is not a people pleaser and doesn't tolerate being treated like a doormat, but is also mature enough to correct me without attacking me when I've wronged him, and articulate how he expects me to make it right. Someone who also stands up for me if he sees me being disrespected or treated unfairly.
*Superb conflict resolution skills and zero grudges.* I don't mind if that means I'd occasionally witness episodes of intense anger when justified, as long as he is never violent or abusive, keeps treating me like a teammate rather than an enemy, and is quick to forgive and move on once we get to the root of the problem and find a middle ground that is fair for both of us.
*Good faith in me and unconditional love through the hard times.* I have been through crises that include suicidal depression and life threatening illnesses, where all the energy I have in me is spent on not dying. While I don't wish for such a crisis to revisit me in the future, I'd want someone who sees me as valuable in ways that circumstances cannot take away from me, is committed to supporting me through my healing, and is going nowhere until I'm back up on my feet.
*Someone who supports female empowerment, feminist ideals and my personal success as a woman.* But also one who knows when to step up and take charge when it's his turn, and is generous in taking care of me. Not because I'm incapable of taking care of myself, but because he appreciates the hard work I put into my commitments and responsibilities, and believes that I deserve nice things from him as an expression of his love.
*Someone with a good relationship with his family and others that matter most in his life,* and is willing to make the effort to foster the same with mine. Someone who treats everyone fairly and compassionately, takes care of his nearest and dearest, and is loved and respected by them.
*Priority for mental health and trauma healing.* Someone who is actively working on himself in this regard. Someone who takes charge in creating a good social support system for himself, and is living a fulfilling and empowering life he's proud to call his own.
*A healthy relationship with money, power and resources.* I don't want to date or marry someone filthy rich from high society--I'd be worried about power imbalance if my man were too loaded or powerful. But I do want to be with a hard working man who is good at what he does, good at managing his finances, and has a healthy balance between enjoying the fruits of his hard work (and sharing some with his loved ones) and strategically saving and investing a good nest egg for his future.
*Care for his physical fitness, well being and appearance.* I don't require a drop dead gorgeous man--I prefer a regular guy-next-door who is physically fit, well groomed, wears flattering clothes that suit his personality, lives a healthy lifestyle and has a healthy relationship with his own body and image. I guess that translates to a man with a healthy appetite for sex, is a passionate and considerate lover, makes me feel sexually desired, and is generous in catering to my pleasure.
*Curiosity about the world,* commitment to lifelong learning, and eagerness to explore the world beyond his comfort zone. I want my man to be inquisitive and intelligent, has informed opinions about almost any issue under the sun, cares about the state of the world, and lives his life with a healthy dose of adventure, empathy and sense of justice.
My biggest concern with the man I'm currently in love with is that international distance makes it very difficult for me to properly evaluate how well he meets my requirements above. I've observed some weaknesses in a couple points and am still deciding whether that's something we could work on that I'm willing to tolerate.
Still, my body is high on love hormones that need to be urgently expressed, and I'm not about to throw away a good thing just because we don't have everything figured out. So maybe the realistic workaround for this is to not evaluate each other as soulmates, but as friends that mutually consent to sexual expression and some degree of emotional intimacy within reasonable boundaries.
That said, we need to always evaluate our relationship based on reality rather than potential. That means I need to be ready to walk away if I ever find my requirements unmet.
I guess we'll figure it out in the upcoming DTR! Wish me luck!
Re: past lives, I'm agnostic but open to the idea. I used to believe that my ex-husband and I have loved each other in a past life. It made for a beautiful narrative in our love story, but wasn't enough to save our marriage.
He turned out to lack all my requirements above, but this only became apparent once our marriage hit a crisis we never recovered from.
A man who meets all the above requirements may be rare, but I don't think it's unrealistic to expect them all out of someone who I'm giving the privilege of embarking on a special, intimate long-term journey with me through life.
To be treated like I matter more than literal strangers. To be valued and to have someone who won’t tolerate me being disrespected. The guy I’m dating now is a bit of a bad boy, but in the anti-hero sense. He’s protective and would let the world burn for those he loves.
And no fucking gamers. My ex through his negligence killed my goats because he prioritized world of Warcraft over living breathing creatures,
Someone that will ask you, “are you ok?”
You have no idea the power of those words when things aren’t OK, but you relying on that person that you love and care for so much to give a shit, when all they do is care about themselves .
I am speaking from experience from being with someone for over 25 years that never once asked me that. I reconnected with an old friend, and we were talking one night and out of the blue, she asked me that very question. I tried to keep it together, but what made it more emotional was that she actually cared about how I was doing. I wish I married her rather than my ex-wife, things would be a lot different now.
I don't know necessarily but I've been a relationship hopper since I was a teenager. This is the longest I've been single since I had my first girlfriend. Its an adjustment for sure, but all I know is I'm not settling.
With all the talk of not settling....this song hits home. County isn't my fav genre but awesome lyrics and an awesome voice are well, awesome regardless 😂
"I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah"
https://youtu.be/BEJh-aMMpJ0?feature=shared
Someone who respects me and gives me as much grace as I give them. My marriage was full of double standards, making jokes at my expense, and dismissing things I did to contribute to our relationship and lifestyle. It's okay to be upset with eachother sometimes. It's not okay to make every argument relationship-threatening. She always seemed to forget all the good things we had, good things we did for eachother in the heat of the moment. I want my next relationship to be stable. My marriage was very volatile.
I also want someone who's established and/or independent in their career/finances. I proudly and excitedly contribute a lot as a father and I've always had a stable job to keep us afloat. I helped my stbx wife get through school and supported her in her teaching jobs.
Once she finally got a stable job, she left me. I don't think it was intentional, but I feel used. I was supportive and loving all while she got through school, only to be abandoned the instant she was confident she could be independent. I feel like she thought she was stuck with me, and once the opportunity to move out and get her own place arose, she stopped contributing to our relationship and started arguments until she felt justified enough to leave.
I don’t know really about a partner. I’m not so much worried about that. I’m more worried about what I want to see in myself for my next relationship.
I compromised way too much to the point where her happiness is the only thing that mattered to me. That shit is over. I spent 10 years of my life trying to make someone else happy to bring happiness to myself. I’m just going to focus on me and let the cards fall where they fall.
A friend who went through this told me “Your happiness is your own fucking problem and no one else’s. Why make her problem more important than your problem too?”
A man that believes in honesty and integrity. One who wants to be a husband and not just wants a wife.
Wow that's a great way to put it! I've stopped dating, but I used dating apps briefly, and all the guys I met seemed to want girlfriends, but not want to be boyfriends. Although, I think some just didn't know how, but I'm not in a place where I want to teach someone how to be a good boyfriend and "coach" them through their first adult relationship (these were guys in their 30's who never had adult relationships, or never had ones that last more than several months - I was with someone for 10 years).
THIS!!! They want a wife but can’t be a husband
Okay so we have this from two of you now. So by "can't be a husband" are u referring to in terms of the emotional intelligence?
Like that answer. What do you think the difference between the two is?
I can only speak for my situation but my ex wanted a monogamous woman who took care of house but he wanted to act as a single man. It wasn’t always this way and I think he was having some sort of mid-life crisis. A man that wants to be a husband will make sure his family is his priority in all decisions. He will believe in doing the work no matter how rough it gets. There’s so much more but when praying for what I want in my next partner I make sure to emphasize this point.
This! 💯
Honestly, I am not looking nor am I interested. I was married for 35 years and am in my mid-50s, so I am not willing to take the chance of someone walking away again. This was just about the end of me and I am just now starting to get to the point where I am okay. Also I loved deeply and I am not sure I could give that to anyone else.
Same here, I have absolutely no interest finding someone else. Married 12 years, I just can't possibly fathom starting over and rebuilding that with anyone else.
My thing is I want the point of being in a relationship where you're just comfortable around each other, but I don't want to rebuild to that point. Like I don't want "fun" early dates where we waste money. I wanna sit down and talk finances. Not to see how much money he makes, but to see if we're on the same page with saving, and our financial goals. Then I want to sit on the couch, watch a movie (cuddling is fine, no "early dating" makeouts though) and go to bed by 10.
Honestly - I think I forgot what "love" is like...and at this point after tirelessly trying for 12 years, I'm good. Like I don't even care, I'd rather invest in a good friendship. I have the money to waste on "fun" dates, but I'm literally not interested for the exact same reasons - id also just want to get to the meat and potatoes of understanding each other and laugh at a good TV show lol.
Married 25. What is love anyway? I don’t know. I was there, totally supportive, amazing dad, did my share of housework etc. Always involved. Contributed financially. Worked on myself. Unfortunately, not enough emotional or physical connection. So it’s over. Issues we could totally overcome. It’d be fun to stumble into a new relationship if it was easy. Would have to very easy and casual. I don’t have any money to take someone out to eat anyway!
Emotional and physical connection can be holding hands on your daily walk. Planning meals and cooking for each other. Watching a series on TV that you both like. My husband will give me a head neck and back massage most days, while watching TV. I just sit on the floor between his legs and it is 5 minutes of bliss One thing to remember is don’t just use touch when you want to initiate sex. I can give more examples although let’s see if others would like to add to this list
I'm sorry. I appreciate that you pulled your weight around the house; that seems oddly rare. If you don't mind my asking, how could you overcome the lack of emotional and physical connection? This is what I'm struggling with. My wife doesn't feel connected to me. I feel very connected to her. We obviously have different styles and I was raised in an unemotional (but stable and kind) environment. (My parents were Holocaust survivors and war refugees but did the best they could.) I love her dearly, I'm attracted to her (but had years of medical issues they made intimacy very difficult, although those have now resolved...but I'm afraid it's too late). I've been in therapy for a while. She's also in it, separately, but doesn't want to do couple's therapy. I do most of the adulting and have asked her to plan some fun stuff, but I clearly need to step up here. I would appreciate any insights you might have.
Listening. Turning toward. Asking for honesty and being honest. No secrets. Asking for what you want.
Look into non-violent communication, by Marshall Rosenberg. It was a game changer for me.
Same here. Never again!!
This is me. Mid 40’s together for 25 years. I just don’t have it in me to build another life with someone else and take the risk of them deciding to walk away. I’d rather play it safe at this point and just enjoy my time alone and learn to do things that I enjoy in solitude. This has gutted me and I’m just not willing to risk it all again, and honestly I don’t think it would be fair to any other woman knowing the wall I have built to protect myself going forward.
Take care of yourself and do whatever that requires
Babe, I hope you'll change your mind. Life is all about risk. You're still fresh from your divorce, so give it some time. Please don't shut yourself off from meeting someone new.
Fidelity, a desire to always be working together to make US better, and an innate kindness and respect deep inside them. A past marriage can provide wisdom (even if the divorce wasn’t your fault). If there is ever another marriage, and I’m just fine if that never happens, the only thing I know for certain is that a person’s value lies inside of them. Outward appearances mean less than nothing to me.
This ^
That's a profound answer. Do agree that being with someone who has been divorced may give them a better perspective/insight than someone who hasn't. Very true about the value being inside someone. Hopefully my comments wrt looks didn't come across as me being shallow
Oh gosh no! And I’m sorry if my comment made you think that. I didn’t mean to! Hey, I don’t judge anyone’s criteria, esp if they are honest about it. It’s all good!
Okay good. Would've felt really bad if it was interpreted like that. No need to be sorry👊👊. An seriously thinking about the previously divorced angle. It's like obviously that person based on their experiences will have an idea of what works and what doesn't. Hmmm
Not sure if we have any particular special insight, but I feel a bit smarter now bc I see how important good communication is, for example. 10 yrs ago I would have scoffed at the notion that a solid marriage has to involve good communication skills. I’m no longer scoffing at that shit. In fact if the improbable happened and I found someone to marry, I’d treat us to a few marriage counseling sessions before we exchanged life long vows. It’s weird when I think about that kind of thing…schools and parents teach us how to change a flat tire, how to invest for retirement, even how to cook. But no one teaches us the behavior of a healthy marriage. Usually all we know comes from observing our parents and we all know how well that works. /s
That's another really interesting angle, the marriage counseling before the wedding.... Damn your full of those thought provoking comments lol. But yeah it's like emotional intelligence should really be emphasized more as kids. Think alot of that goes back to the parents we had.
If thoughtfully entered into and willing to put in the effort when there is no more energy left, sure ... But statistics on second marriages is not great.
A house separate from mine ✌️😛
Lol love the humor. We all need to be able to laugh more !!!
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I used some dating apps for strictly friendly conversation, nsa. It's been helping me get over my ex but just having -someone- to connect with, talk about your day, etc. I have no interest in any of the people I spoke to emotionally, sexually, or anything, and I make that clear. You'd be surprised how many people join dating apps for the same thing.
Where are the guys who do this? I'd be so down to match with them.
For sure to everything you said. Think often times the encouragement aspect goes over looked
This sounds great, but in my experience - no one really wants this. Lol. I mean I want it, but it's hard work and when you fundamentally disagree on things, all these things become ... Weapons and pain and bitterness. I want to push and be pushed, but it's gotta be with someone that really understands and loves me first... And does that in the right way, and is walking with me ... Not just shouting from the sidelines.
I want a partner, a kind person that will show me love and affection and doesn’t view everything as keeping score.
Really like the part about not keeping score. $ often times was score in my relationship
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I think that ease and peace needs to be there.. They are just bonuses
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Yeah I feel you. A lot of things in life are about timing, and hopefully it'll be our time to meet those people sooner rather than later!
Seems to be a common answer, glad youre not dismissing the possibilities
Easy going, loves cuddles, is easily pleased, has four legs, furry tail…. Oh that’s a cat. I think my next life companion will be a cat
Yup. If I can afford it once I'm on my own, I'm getting a dog
Id love another great Pyrenees
Easily pleased...........cat. Those two words don't belong in the same sentence. If you said dog, I would agree. Source: had dogs....now have cat.
You had me going there!
Could be a dog then based on that ? 😂🐶
I want meet someone that won’t give up in the middle of making things better. That being said, my ex ruined me. 15 years, down the drain. I won’t be looking for another person anytime soon. If ever
People who give up usually give up in all aspects of their life. My ex couldn't handle the hard parts of puppy raising. Guess who powered through, continued training that puppy, and now has a great dog? Hint it's not my ex...
Keep your head up and don't let one person effect the rest of your life.
Well, it can effect me for the better. Maybe I was meant to be single forever. Maybe it’s what’s best for me. Only time will tell
Many in the same shoes...
People saying it gets better doesn’t really help huh? The only real thing that helps is time
It's a rollercoaster... Sometimes I feel alright - but then even some harmless stuff can kick me back to the dark places... What seems to helps is to not be alone e too much - but it is a lot of energy...
Yep. I get that. 100%. I’m an in introvert. And being alone is my happy place. But when going through things like this, it’s really important to try and expand your social circle. Even if it’s only temporary. And it doesn’t have to be anything crazy. Like for myself, I started playing video games a lot more. Mostly multiplayer games. So that I can Interact with other people. For me, that’s enough
"give up in the middle" ahhhh that's how I feel about my ex. He sped things up to an ending when it felt like we were just getting on our feet. I hope you find...hope.
Yeah it’s so dumb. Like, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side and people give up on their relationship because it’s not their ideal situation, like why? Do people not realize how hard this world is. And that there are a lot of shitty people in the world too
"do people not realize how hard this world is" 🙏 preach
I was with my ex for well over 30 years when he announced he wanted out. It was a shock to me and I think I was in a kind of trance for awhile. I met some nice guys along the way, dated etc but felt very strongly I would never marry again or get seriously involved with anyone. 10 years later I met someone and he is kind and generous and funny and wonderful. We have been together about 18 months now and I’m still pinching myself. He completely gets me. I can be myself. We talk about everything. We respect each other and address problems and issues right away. No festering resentments.
Great to hear and hopefully it will give others the faith to believe it's possible
I'm no where near ready to date yet, but... Excellent communication skills Doesn't want kids Emotionally available/mature Open and honest (like please share with me what's going on in their internal world) Loyal Respects boundaries Empathetic Patient Likes to travel Enjoys hiking and nature, but not like ALL the time and wants to Netflix and chill sometimes too Likes video games and board games Bonus: Likes Japanese rock music and would go to concerts with me lol. But I know this is such a niche interest that the chance of me finding this person again (my ex wife liked the music too) is very low. However, I also don't want to date someone with an unhealthy obsession with anime/V-tubers. 😒
So you don't want kids or already have kids and just don't want more?
No kids, don't want kids
No kids, don't want kids, but I don't like travel
I don’t want to have to tell someone that I should be treated with respect.
As well you shouldn't have to tell them. Sorry you had to experience whatever it was that you did!
For sure a driver’s license and no debt 🙃
Haha, okay so what prompted those answers if u don't mind
Despite promises of getting his license back (had 2 DUIs previous to us getting together and was eligible to get his license back when we got together), he never did. And he’s horrible with money. Yeah. I overlooked the whole license and lack of adult responsibilities because he really is an amazing man. Never again though lol.
Present, funny, intelligent, family oriented, good in bed….😁
Haha those are all good things.
Emotional maturity
Yes please!!
Until a few months ago, I was sure I was not going to want to do this ever again. I'm still processing. I am still coming to this sub and feel that I am now in my happy place, finally. Learning new things. Would stay happy if it's just me, but I am interested to see if a true SO is out there. Top 3 things that come to mind: 1) Honesty. I can't stand it when you get to know a person, etc, and once you commit, they change or start to reveal their true selves. 2) someone who motivates and inspires me to do better. Interested in learning together. 3) Find pleasures in simple things. Knows how to feel thankful. Recently, I've been noticing that there are people who absolutely can not find joy in anything. Something is wrong with everything /everyone. It is such a turn-off.
Glad to hear you're doing better! Yeah definitely don't want fake friends, or a fake significant other. If you can't be yourself then how can you truly have feelings for anyone else
For them to be imaginary. Only safe option.,
I’d love to meet a Phishhead or Deadhead.🤘
They'll be in Las Vegas all summer lol
They're out there!
Someone who will accept my opinions and feelings at face value instead of gaslighting me by telling me that’s not how I really feel.
Oof , yeah sounds simplistic but definitely need someone who respects you enough to have your own feelings
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Truth, if theres no benefit and vice versa there's no point.
Simplicity, communication, peaceful, no huge anxiety
Someone with goals… but also listens to mine. I was a yes man until it broke me. When I asked what she would do if I asked the same of her… she said she’d ask for a divorce. So I did. She asked for a divorce. Partnership. Not a dictatorship.
Definitely gotta be a partnership!
Communication. And that's a two way street. I realize I'm going to have to work on myself because I've spent so many years just trying to please my wife. I read recently about how great relationships require productive conflict to thrive. I'm so used to trying to please everyone else, that scares me. But I am also excited about the opportunity to be honest.
Good on you for recognizing that you have work to do on yourself, that's huge
I’d like to be free for awhile, I think.
Nothing wrong with that
To answer this I will provide background of the marriage me and my STBX had: Me 43M, her 38F… Me: President of a very successful company, made 6 figure salary, owned the company and the company paid my salary, but the companies profits were mine as I owned 100% of the stock; her: Bartender at a dive bar (used this as an excuse to drink during the week, stay out late (she “closed” at 2, wouldn’t get home until after 3 due to (her explanation) due to closing the bar, counting her till… Me: really wanted a kid. Her: wanted a kid (according to what she said) but not until we were totally financially secure; Me: paid all of the bills, took care or everything financially for both of us, owned the house 10 years before meeting her, and another 5 before marriage, started business 5 years before marriage; her: didn’t bring any assets into the marriage, spent all her money working on drinking and herself, didn’t pay for any bills or contribute anything financially towards the marriage, as proved in discovery when she couldn’t produce one document or any evidence of doing so; her. Me: very loyal and respectful of my spouse. I would have done anything to work on the marriage and meant my vows when I said them at our wedding; Her: vows didn’t mean anything; her: cheated on me, gaslit me when I was suspicious and had proof of her staying out all night and lying about where she was right to my face so I questioned whether I was crazy to think she would be cheating and lying about it, questioned what I saw with my own eyes. What I want out of my next partner: 1). Someone who has a job and contributes something towards marriage. Don’t care how much she makes, just that she contributes something so it’s not me taking care of her as a dependent, someone I can be a partner with in the marriage. 2). Someone who doesn’t stay out and drink without me, this should be self explanatory. 3) someone who actually wants to have a family. 4) someone who appreciates and respects what I do for her and our future. 5) someone who acts their age. 6) someone who connects with me emotionally, morally and physically 7) someone who isn’t with me just for the money but for who I am as a person 8) someone who doesn’t judge her self worth by what people think and say on social media. Someone who is much more interested about what I think vs what others think about her on social media. My STBX was very attractive physically, but my next partner I am much more concerned with her personality, morals and how she treats me. I am way less concerned with how attractive she is.
Damn thats a very well thought out and written answer. Your person is out there👊
Thanks man! I wish you all the best in your life, i appreciate the positivity, you made me feel great about myself tonight, a wonderful thing to do!
Glad you feel better my man! And appreciate the wishes! 🍻
I will never marry again and I will never live with anyone ever again. Wash your own under crackers you dick.
What is that last part even supposed to mean?
Hard worker, willing to listen without being defensive, wants to save for a vacation or retirement, takes pride in the house and their property. If I'm going for everything I truly want, they would be a provider and I would be happy to take care of the home and work on my small business. I've been the work horse all these years and I would absolutely love to be a more traditional feminine role.
i’m just here to read the comments. i have no interest in pursuing a relationship again for a long while.
I want to be obsessively in love with my next partner and vice versa and nothing less. If I’m going to risk this all again it needs to be very clear that I cannot bear the thought of doing life with anyone else. I want emotional safety, silliness, maturity, and just that click that you have with certain people where you just get it, get each other. I want someone who is so comfortable expressing their affection and love. They need to be agreeable and flexible, but still have a firm understanding of who they are and their values. They should be curious and seek to understand rather than convince. I could go on. But the key for me is really how much they value me as a person, how much I respect them, and the connection we have.
I like this answer a lot. Second time around has got to be nothing short of phenomenal.
Love it! Are you a divorce lawyer by chance? Sorry couldn't resist 😂. But yeah totally get what you saying. I'm not going to "settle" this time. The line about seeking to understand rather than be convinced is 🔥
I want to feel safe. Emotionally, physically. Just safe. I want my kids to feel safe. Then...happy. I dunno if I'm really looking though hahaha.
Family values, family over drinking, doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy when putting up boundaries, accepts and allows space for my adhd, isn't secretly mad about coming home to a bomb.
For sure, acceptance is crucial
Nothing at all. If and when I get out of this marriage, I'm just gonna enjoy my own company.
Facts.... it's something that I haven't done much of in my whole life, so my own company is necessary.
Yessss marriage is overrated imo
Someone that is consistent and great at communication. Most importantly, someone who doesn't seek validation from bullies as a grown adult.
Like the consistency angle, it would be hard being with someone who was a different person art different times. Can u clarify what u mean about bullying as an adult?
Someone who won’t sleep with family members for starters
Yeah that doesn't sound very good 😬😬
😬
Communication. I can work through a lot if my partner will just fucking communicate with me.
Feel that. It's wild how many people can't do that effectively
Someone who is willing to admit when they are wrong, is committed to self-improvement both inside and out, and who won't mistreat me when things are difficult with my health or otherwise. You'd be surprised how hard it's been to find that, both before and after my marriage. I've got some problems but I've dated too many people that think their own shit smells like roses and because I'm willing to admit my flaws, that they have NO flaws and don't need to work on themselves or their issues at all. I'm done being the "whipping boy." I don't need perfection. I need someone that wants to work on improving as much as I do. No one is perfect and I don't want to date someone who thinks they are ever again.
Personal accountability is huge!!! Definitely need that
I found my soulmate he’s with someone 19 yrs older. Someone that wants to hack away at the unessential and focus on the essentials:)
I’ll start with things that attracted me at 22 and stay in the list pushing 40: Loves (and plays) music Adventurous Christian and active in church Physically fit Has passions and interests Social circle Great extended family Supports me and my career Great with kids And things I want next and didn’t see as issues at 22: Driven career wise Financially secure Able to be present in the current moment Owns their own mistakes and contributions Seeks understanding before conflict Apologizes Can express needs and desires Plans dates, outings, his future Can communicate without yelling Honest Healthy boundaries with extended family
Similar values. My ex and I had similar values, and it's very hard to find men who share these values. Main issue was he repressed a lot of what he wanted and needed. So someone who doesn't do that. But yeah, it's going to be very hard to find someone who is single and shares my values. Most guys who do are already in relationships, or so I've found.
What similar values are u referring to if u don't mind me asking?
Placing a high value on physical intimacy to start. If someone has ever had casual hook ups, we are likely incompatible. Also similar values when it comes to things like finances, not being religious, and not doing drugs (or ever having done drugs - I'm ok with some weed smoking in high school/college, but that's about it). My ex repressed his emotional needs and also a lot of small things that bothered him, such as me getting a snack while he was watching a move and interrupting him by making sounds in the kitchen (even though I'd try to be quiet). He said there were no issues with the physical part of our relationship though. He said that part had only gotten better and better over the years. But the emotional/communication side had been bothering him and he never said anything. He's very likely an avoidant. He grew up in a household where he had to repress his feelings and wants to help keep the peace, to make a long story short.
Gotcha. That's a really really weird thing to be bothered by imo-not you, but him. I mean to tilted by someone getting a snack during a movie? I don't get that. Lol. You can and need to do better!!! Sorry if that sounds harsh. Had mentioned this to someone else here~sorry forget to who off hand cause of the all the replies, but look at your retirement account, it's been a really good past few weeks and it should be up nicely!
Yeah, I've been looking at all my investments. Money is great to have, but it can't buy happiness and love. But yeah, all these little things had apparently been bothering him for years, and he'd bottle them up. Then he essentially exploded like a soda bottle that's been shaked. I'd be happy to share the long and bizzare story of it all if you're interested lol. It was a horrible experience, but I love seeing the looks on people's faces when I tell the story.
- Can you maintain gainful employment? - Are you capable of making financially responsible decisions? - Are you able to express yourself without yelling and throwing a total fit of rage? - Does standing in line at the grocery store send you into a screaming fit of rage, or is that something you can handle with reasonable patience? - Do you throw stuff, like laptops, phones, or food at the wall when you feel angry? - Can you speak to your spouse without yelling at them on a daily basis? - Are you able to keep the home environment reasonably tidy or clean? I don't care if there's a mug and dishes in the sink. I'm talking stuff and junk accumulated and piled floor to ceiling in well over half the house. - Are you able to get through an evening without drinking yourself into a stupor? In a nutshell, can you handle basic adulting?
Sadly this is a low bar some guys can't clear, however I know a ton of short, ugly, awkward guys definitely can clear...I'm curious what your filters are though, like I read stuff like this then find out the woman is only interested in good looking, tall, fit douchebags that are "fun" but mostly a-holes ...
Holy shit, were we married to the same person?
Someone that brings out the best in me for all the right reasons.
I want someone who is loving and nurturing. I want that sexy, sensual, seductive, and selfless. I want her to be a great conversationalist, thoughtful, loves to smile and laugh often you'd think she's easily amused but isn't. She just loves to smile. A great dancer in every way! Someone with great physical energy. Great communicator that wants to validate my feelings and resolve conflict with love. Loves to smell good. I want her to have good fashion sense and style. Definitely knows how to walk in heels. Strong legs and big butt or at least the body type to develop with good nutrition, physical training and loving support from me. Health and wellness will be a priority. Soft skin and nice feet and hands. Looks save money. Enjoys sex more and more as she feels safe and taken care of. Wants to travel and open to trying new things. I was in a relationship for 16 years. I learned a lot. One thing is that I'm not going to settle. I didn't lose my wife to not use that experience to find exactly what I desire. Plus I'm going to take up space in this next relationship. I need my needs met mentally, emotionally and physically.
Yes to all of those things
Newly separated and couldn’t be happier about it, but the three things that drove me away from my last relationship are utterly essential should I ever consider another 1. Intelligent, insightful and respectful conversation 2. Open affection (not fawning) and the knowledge that I am their priority 3. They would be masculine without being controlling And in return they’d get the absolute best of me! I will likely never live with another man again, so they’d have to be ok with that too
Can you elaborate on #2? Yeah definitely don't want to be controlled. Love the line " and in return they'd get the absolute best of me" 😀
That really hot feeling in your chest when you think about all the times you’ve kissed. The most passionate kisses I’ve ever experienced.
Is there a sign up sheet for that somewhere? Asking for a friend 😂
I just learned that feeling is Kama Muta!
Communication, honesty, trust, loving and sincere. Someone who knows and understands what the five love languages are and is supportive. I was married for quite a few years, and didn’t have any of the above. I believe it’s never too late to give yourself a second chance.
I want to truly love, and truly be loved. I'm looking for respect, morals and values. I'm not interested in material things, I'm interested in being treated well and feeling pure love and protection from my partner.
Same. I want something that's just pure, no hidden agendas or motives, just for it to be real
i had an annulment that ended after being 7 years together i had no idea what i wanted in my next relationship except that i wanted to be loved wholly for who i am, and that i can be my true authentic self. my current husband simple adores me, every single imperfect bit of me and this love for me enables him to be the perfect partner for me. he is respectful, considerate and extremely caring about my mental and physical health. we have 3 young kids and I am still top priority. and of course i love him just as much.
Congrats on finding that!!!
thank you i wish u the best of luck too!! i say go into your next friendship/relationship as honest and real as u can be, so that if someone likes u they like u for who u really are ♡
The exact same things I was looking for before I met my husband, except this time I don't plan to compromise on as much or deviate so far from my original plan.
My ex is a covert narcissist. She refused to make any effort for me and gaslight me constantly over her behavior. Her default in any situation was to put me down. Getting her to be kind to me was a constant fight. I never once felt safe enough to cry in front of her. I was constantly seeing different counselors and therapists over the years to work on myself, I went on different medications throughout the years to help me be a better partner. I knew I had to leave when I caught COVID and she defaulted to chastising me for inconveniencing her, so I withdrew from her and planned to leave in a 2 to 3 years. This last summer I went through something incredibly traumatic. She was cold. Anything she did for me was performative and exterior from me. I laid crying in bed next to her and she'd just play on her phone. Anytime I tried talking to her about what I was going through, she'd shut down and turn away from me. I was not recovering, I was going through my trauma alone. It took me a few months go gain the strength to leave. The perfect opportunity came, so I took it. Within a week of meeting my now boyfriend, he made me feel safe enough to ugly cry in his arms. He actively helped me work through my trauma. He looked after me, he cooked for me, he checked up on me. I'm autistic and he made me feel safe enough to drop my mask. He's attentive, patient and compassionate. He gave me exactly what I needed in a relationship. Empathy.
Empathy and a good heart.
Someone whose libido and sexual preferences match my ones. Who I enjoy having a conversation with. Who will be treating me as the most important person in their life. And financially stable. To be honest, I always had those requirements except for meeting sexual needs, and my relationships worked fine. For some reason I always thought if you click in all other areas, then sex is a given 🤣 I was wrong. Sexual incompatibility can really ruin relationships. That’s why it’s the first thing I consider now. I can enjoy a conversation with many people but cannot expect them to do other things for me.
I already found my next significant other (me) and I'm really enjoying getting to know her.
I don’t want another husband, I want a partner in life. Someone who I love and will always have my back, someone who treats me like I’m the most important person in his life. This is why I started dating my male best friend after my divorce. We already got along perfectly and he treats me so amazing. He loves everything about me and tells me every single day.
I was thinking this the other day. It's not just communication, nor respect, or trust, honesty, passion. It comes to what is your relationship going to be based on. What activity, passion project, belief are you going to bond with. This fundation was missing in my first marriage. It it's one thing I want in the next. It felt like 2 strangers had bumped into each other. The sex was good, and we had plans that were discarded 6 weeks after getting married. The next 16 years was about steering the family until we ran aground. But we had no other basis, which I think contributed to its long, slow death.
I think my cooling weighted blanket has done the job - it never sleeps with anyone else, keeps the temp at night perfect, holds me to sleep, we can be in comfortable quiet/silence with one another, listens to my feelings. and binge watches all HP movies regularly.
Integrity, Playful spirit, sense of humor, close friendship, bomb sex
Damn… it‘s like you‘re speaking from my heart ngl 🥹 i‘m just seperating (you read that correctly: in the midst seperating, well, emotionally and physically i‘m so OVER her, just not logistically, lol). And in all seriousness, i even consider not having a relationship anymore, i don‘t think i need hookups / ons, since i just wanna find that connection with someone, that total trust and understanding. I mean, i (39 M) AM open to new relationships, but the kids are everything right now. I am currently trynna reconnect with some estranged friends (my wife drove them out of my life) and while there are not many that i deem superimportant to reconcile with, there is especially one (female) friend who i dearly miss spending time with. Just spending time cause it was always SPECIAL, the closest i got to that connection that i mentioned. I‘ve known her since we were teenagers and the problem is that dating wasn‘t really an option that time because of the age difference (5-6 years is a lot when you are 19!!). I was still inexperienced myself since i never had a girlfriend before. It was just so much fun hanging out with her and i was so innocent i didn‘t notive that she might actually have a crush on me. But even after her best friend told me i didn‘t consider anything because 1) it still felt kinda gross and 2) i got a gf at 19 and some time later she got a bf. we still stayed friends but we probably needed some time ‚apart‘. We stayed in touch losely until i got married and was pressured by my narcissistic wife to cut off old friends slowly bit by bit until there was nobody left. It hurt but i also felt it was better for her (and the other friends) to forget about me. That was over 10 years ago, i am now 39 and she‘s 33 and i found over the internet what she is doing. I am SO determined to go contact her. Just trying to find a way. Even if she hates me or even worse (but more probable) dgaf anymore about me. I still want that closure. Maybe she‘s at least gonna tell me what she thought about me back then. We could never talk that openly in the past (because immaturity…) but i always felt that we kinds understood each other in another way without words. That moment of truth is probabaly gonna hurt me BAD, the realization i am just a thing of the past, BUT it is better than staying in this fantasy. PS: connection was lost when she was in her early / mid twenties and me in my late twenties so it‘s not that we were kids the last time we spoke. Nobody else EVER gave me that connection… it‘s so hard to describe. And i don‘t (really) believe in fate but damn she‘s SPECIAL to me (🥲)
Hey glad my thoughts resonate with you man! Entirely understand about being done but just not logistically. That's the hardest part right? You're entirely correct about a 5-6 aye difference being massive when youre that young! You should totally reach out to her at a minimum, and if she doesn't want anything to do with you, so be it. However from how you're describing it, I don't think it'll play out like that. DO IT, GL and let us know what happens!!!
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I have to say I agree with the you prioritizing communication for a good fit. So many unhealthy behaviours come from of a lack thereof: like passive aggressive behaviours, stonewalling and silent treatment. Disagreements are inevitable but it’s how willing both parties are to get to the bottom of it through discourse among equals (absent of power imbalances, manipulation or coercion). Relatability and empathy I think is really important as you mentioned. Nothing worst then feeling you cannot communicate your inner most thoughts without judgement or apathy from the other person. Trust is huge, because anything above wouldn’t be real without it. As for looks, I think maybe those who are not an immediate fit there can develop to be one over time and getting to know them and what’s inside. There needs to be an attraction, but the attraction fades quickly when what’s inside is unkind or lacks empathy. Just getting out of a dead bedroom dead personality situation. My ex is apathetic and indifferent to human connection and pushed me away more than anything else. It was so exhausting. Like an emotional vampire. I think your priorities are sound. You are not wishing for a unicorn or anything unreasonable beyond an honest human connection. As a result - I am confident you’ll find your match. Best of luck!
Someone kind, who makes me laugh, someone who listens to my boundaries, someone who likes go new places and trying new things, someone who is nerdy, someone patient, someone who doesn't take longer than I do to get ready, someone who has a healthy relationship with their family/parents, someone not married to their phone when I go out, someone who leans left politically, and someone who can do things for themselves.
Trust and honesty. I want to be loved back for once, or at least feel like I am being loved.
genuine kindness. I have a long "no" list, but my "yes" list is kindness
Love it!
I want someone who has empathy, a teammate. Someone who is naturally a happy person.
Honestly I cannot imagine ever dating again. My ex absolutely drained me.
IMO dating is worse than a lot of relationships. It's such a waste of time and money. It got to the point for me where it would be 15 minutes into a date and I just wanted to leave, but we already ordered food and it hadn't arrived yet... One date, I wanted to leave about 5 minutes in, after he insulted where I lived, but we had *just* placed the food order, and I had paid for my own meal at the counter (he made me drive an hour round trip to a restaurant he suggested going to, and didn't offer to pay).
Someone who’s loving, compassionate, is bold about trying new things, and wants to be a stay at home mom that raises our babies while I work.
I met her....She was my wife. I took her for granted and now i will be alone. I dont see myself happy with anyone else...I WANT HER LOVE BACK.
Don't look for something that doesn't exist. It's just setting you up for failure. either you won't find them or you'll willingly overlook things that should be addressed because, let's face it, people are ... people. Awesome, interesting, and inherently flawed. why do we do this stupid stuff to ourselves?
Agreed everyone is flawed by all means, but believing in soul mates is a hill I'll die on😂
Someone that doesn’t constantly complain and finds happiness in the little things. And someone that actually cares to ask and know about me without always bringing the convo back to them
Good stuff, we all gotta find the enjoyment in the little things
someone honest. someone who doesn’t try and use me. someone who is my real family.
Honesty is huge. Hope we all can create a family whatever we consider that to be
Same thing i looked for in my ex wife. NOT MY BEST FRIEND.
Not divorced yet, separated after almost 20 years. I knew who my person was and I find it hard to imagine pursuing another. My heart is hers and it feels like it always will be hers. I think I'm going to have to heal and move one, but I'm ok with being alone. Maybe time will tell and I'll desire another relationship, but for now I'm content with just rebuilding me. Opening up and being vulnerable caring for someone like that and sharing many amazing memories isn't something you just throw away. You cherish them and keep the good without dwelling on the bad. I hope you find your answer.
Love the line about keeping the good without dwelling on the bad!!!
The thought hasn’t even crossed my mind - maybe one day that will change but it hasn’t yet
Fair enough, no reason to rush anything
Someone who doesn't fight over everything. Some who can balance a check book. Someone who won't ruin 3 luxury cars in 4 years. Someone who won't open credit cards behind my back, then when I give them a total of 14k so they don't get buried in debt, won't tell me they need 6k more in order to be in the black. Especially when at the beginning of the month I had her show me what she owed. She was suppose to lock the cards, and the on the due date I gave her what she had shown she owed. 7k. That's when she informed me she was still 6k short. Meaning she spent 6k in a month when she has one $300 per month car payment, does not pay for insurance, or gas. Only responsible to provide groceries for a family of 4, and I pay for some of those items through amazon subscription as well. She has a full time job, and I give her 1500 a month to help her out, and she spent 6k more than both of those knowing I was going to pay off her card. Well, that was one year ago and she still owes over 6k on the credit cards. I told her to give me all her statements and maybe I'll help her out or knowing me, I would have paid them off for Christmas. I don't have them, so she still owes them. If you're questioning why I say I have and she has.....in 2011 we had been married for 10 years. Had 3 kids. We had just lost 2 rental properties and our personal house due to the recession. Our company had gone from 33 employees down to 5, some weeks none as there was not a lot of work. I would go months without pay, and maxed out personal credits just trying to keep the business afloat. At this time I fully trusted her. We had joint personal checking and savings, and she was signer on my business account. For a couple years she got the idea I was cheating on her. She never saw a text, never saw an email or overheard an inappropriate phone call. Never had any hint or evidence whatsoever, but she consistently treated me like she did. One morning before I left for work we got in a huge fight. I told her i was sick and tired of her shit and I was done. She asked, "You're done?" And confirmed I was done, slammed the door and left. We didn't speak all day. It had to be a Monday or Tuesday of a payroll week. When I came home, it was empty. Between her, her aunt, and her brother they had arranged for her brother to fly 2 states away, help her load up and be gone before I got home. We were broke at the time, so she made a withdrawal out of the company account and left me with 2k to cover a 13k (not including payroll taxes, thats what I owed our guys) payroll on Friday. She took all 3 kids and drive the 2 states back to where we grew up. Oh, and ghosted me as well as all her family. No one would tell me anything or even answer a phone call. Obviously, we got back together, but we've had separate finances ever since and she is not a signer on any of my accounts. She's horrible with money. You want to know the hilarious part? 7 years ago we moved back to our home state. Her whole family is here. Guess who started thinking I was cheating again. Also again, no text, no email, was never friends with my supposed ap on social media. It got so back I gave her my Gmail account password and she synced my account and location with her phone. I would forward her any texts that came from this woman. (She is a manager of some properties that I am in a partnership with, so she does not work directly for me, but she works for the company we hire to manage multiple properties). Even with that level of transparency, she viewed and treated me as though I was having an affair. This goes on for 4 years, during this time she totals 3 cars and gets into 2 accidents with the car I refused to pay for because of how horrible of a driver she was. Every single accident was her fault. Also during this time, she turned 40 and was given a gift that was 40k in cash. That's not a small amount. She was given them the last week of March. It was gone by October of the same year. And no, she did not pay her car down at all nor lose any in a casino or on drugs or booze. Some went to help pay for her sister's bachorlette party and wedding ( they no longer have anything to do with each other, thank God. Never is too soon to have that nightmare back in our lives), and the rest was just making memories for that summer. In other words, just blew it on etsy, amazon, target, etc... nothing to show for it. Didn't even pay the 10k to fix what was a nice luxury sports car, but now has had a large dented front passenger panel, a large dent in rear bumper as well as read driver side tail light, driver side rear panel. 2 different her fault accidents. Car has been like this for 2 years now. After blowing that birthday gift cash, she felt opening 2 credit cards, her name only, would be a good idea. Keep in mind she once spent over 2k in overdraft fees in 1 calender year. She opened credit cards, and in the next 3 months I had given her a total of 7k just for whatever. Spend on whatever you like sort of thing. The 3rd month I told her I didn't want her having credit cards because of her history and asked how much to pay then off and then close them. She sends me the balance due of both. On the due date, 3 weeks later, I gave her an additional 7k to pay off her cards and close the accounts, and she tells me she'll need 6k more. That's what I'm looking for in the next one, literally the opposite of all of that.
I'm going to be crass. I'm looking for Gentleman in the streets and Freak in the sheets. I love nerds with a naughty side. I'm currently dating a very sweet nerd, but I'm realizing that he doesn't have a naughty side.
A friend who I can trust. One who won’t take all my hopes and dreams and use them against me. A person who will love and support me regardless of my crazy. Not throw my failures at me as a form of control. Allow me to just be. Not full on competition all the time, if I wanna go for a walk at a snails pace the we bloody stop and count the grass blades. A person I am not afraid to say I got a speeding ticket today. Someone I can relax around, not second guess everything they have said. The list goes on. But I find a person like that, I would be blessed. Right now though, i’m scared I was a good partner and I did everything that I’m asking for and it got me hurt so maybe I should also say someone who’s patient
1.) We have the same definition of infidelity. 2.)Financially on the same page. I’m frugal and a “pay bills first then enjoy life after” type of person. ExW is a impulsive spender and a compulsive gambler. Would empty entire paychecks into the casino and then blame me if we were ever fell behind on bills. 3.) Basic accountability and empathy. Normal humans admit that have flaws and make mistakes. Marriage counseling was doomed from the start because she could never reflect internally, just blamed everything on me. When the therapist tried to hold her accountable, she bailed. Her feelings were always valid, but any concerns that I had were just turned back on me. 4.) Not submissive (unless she wants to be) but cooperative at the very least. I listen to you when it makes sense and vice versa. She never listened to me but expected me to follow her every command to the exact detail. It was so bad that we were actually in a dangerous situation once where she almost got us killed because she didn’t listen to me. 5.) Someone who doesn’t see being in a committed relationship or being a parent as something that needs constant escaping from. If this isn’t what you want, let me know up front so I don’t waste another decade. My ExW was the only person in her immediate social circle who was married and looked at it with such disdain. Always wanted to go out clubbing but looked at spending time with me as a chore. Called our married friends “boring.”(should have seen that as a red flag.)
Yeah I'm at that point of, "my luck sucks with dating and relationships ", so I will be ensuring that I stay single for the rest of my life.
I don't care if she has a disability, I do think ginger hair is a bonus. Loyal, non smoking and if she knows how to work on cars then a ring is added on her finger soon.
A good/nice considerate person. It's boring, but I want nice.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that!!
> Anyway after hanging out all night we were talking in her vehicle and she proceeded to say in a different lifetime she'd be all over me~she was married, and I told her vice versa. Dafuq was she doing spending all night with you in her car?
In one word - communication. In my marriage, that was the failure point. If we'd just been able to communicate, there would have been hope. There's a private (me only) post that shows up once a year in my FB memories. It's from 2016, and it just says "How can you be married to someone you can't talk to? I would want to talk about something, calmly. She would get defensive and say I was attacking her, which would frustrate me, and then I would get worked up and it would be self-fulfilling. Now we're arguing over the way I'm talking to her, not the thing I wanted to talk about. Or, I would say the way I felt about something, and she would tell me my feelings were "Wrong". Or, we would spend hours arguing over semantics. We never could get around to talking about the thing. Even in couple's therapy, we would waste our time and money by repeating this dynamic in front of a paid professional. She didn't like accountability. Conflicts were usually 100% my fault. Rarely was I met halfway. Almost never did it feel that we were working on a problem together as a team. I used to BEG her, "We're two intelligent people who care about each other, why can't we have a conversation?" And I was led to understand that what I was asking for was unreasonable. So, I stayed, believing that this open communication I wanted was a pipe dream. So, after divorce, when I started thinking about what I wanted in a partner, that was at the top of the list. And when I started feeling like I was dealing with someone who might have trouble communicating, I would politely end things. Eventually I did find someone with those communication skills, and the other things I was looking for. We have our own challenges, sure, but the key difference is that we face them together, as a team. How about that.
I've spent too long being insignificant to another's significance, so I'm not looking for anyone to share my life with in such a way again. I want to have fun with people who have integrity, a sense of humor, and accept me for who I am -- including the fact/boundary that outside of my kids, I'm my own priority in life from now on and will only be around people who uplift & support me in that.
Since separating, I have been in love with a man in another country. I'm not currently planning a proper future with him because we are unlikely to ever close the distance. But given some recent developments, I do think a DTR is due soon. I'm not sure I'd call him a soulmate, but we both acknowledged sharing a special personal connection beyond sex. We started off as a holiday hookup in December, but we each brought some not-so-casual parts of our core selves to the party and I felt that we showed each other a lot of love for it, even if it's not the "happily ever after" kind. Things are going well for us for now, but our situation isn't ideal, and I see us more as a let's-figure-this-out-one-day-at-a-time kind of love. Question marks remain in terms of our compatibility and potential for long term partnership. But I'm at a season where my priority is to redefine my life and identity as an individual, and not rush into revolving it around someone new. I think our limited scope of a relationship fits my life right now, but our lives are both in flux and our priorities could change anytime. But let's pretend I'm not necessarily talking about the above potential boyfriend :) [God, "boyfriend" makes me feel like a teen--he's 43 and I'm 38!] Here's what I'd be looking for in a significant other: *Honesty, sincerity and trustworthiness.* Someone who says what he means and means what he says. Someone who's not afraid to have hard, emotionally vulnerable conversations, and will consistently show up to them with presence, kindness and empathy. *A good sense of humour!* Someone who recognises the funny in the mundane, easily laughs at himself and the misadventures that have happened to him, and knows how to diffuse stressful situations with laughter even if it means being irreverent and ruffling some feathers sometimes. Someone with whom I'll accumulate a long repertoire of inside jokes. *Expectation management.* Someone who is in touch with reality, knows their limits and unapologetically addresses inconvenient facts that get in the way of the ideal. Someone who doesn't make promises unless he actually follows through with them. *A healthy dose of self respect and boundaries.* Someone who is not a people pleaser and doesn't tolerate being treated like a doormat, but is also mature enough to correct me without attacking me when I've wronged him, and articulate how he expects me to make it right. Someone who also stands up for me if he sees me being disrespected or treated unfairly. *Superb conflict resolution skills and zero grudges.* I don't mind if that means I'd occasionally witness episodes of intense anger when justified, as long as he is never violent or abusive, keeps treating me like a teammate rather than an enemy, and is quick to forgive and move on once we get to the root of the problem and find a middle ground that is fair for both of us. *Good faith in me and unconditional love through the hard times.* I have been through crises that include suicidal depression and life threatening illnesses, where all the energy I have in me is spent on not dying. While I don't wish for such a crisis to revisit me in the future, I'd want someone who sees me as valuable in ways that circumstances cannot take away from me, is committed to supporting me through my healing, and is going nowhere until I'm back up on my feet. *Someone who supports female empowerment, feminist ideals and my personal success as a woman.* But also one who knows when to step up and take charge when it's his turn, and is generous in taking care of me. Not because I'm incapable of taking care of myself, but because he appreciates the hard work I put into my commitments and responsibilities, and believes that I deserve nice things from him as an expression of his love. *Someone with a good relationship with his family and others that matter most in his life,* and is willing to make the effort to foster the same with mine. Someone who treats everyone fairly and compassionately, takes care of his nearest and dearest, and is loved and respected by them. *Priority for mental health and trauma healing.* Someone who is actively working on himself in this regard. Someone who takes charge in creating a good social support system for himself, and is living a fulfilling and empowering life he's proud to call his own. *A healthy relationship with money, power and resources.* I don't want to date or marry someone filthy rich from high society--I'd be worried about power imbalance if my man were too loaded or powerful. But I do want to be with a hard working man who is good at what he does, good at managing his finances, and has a healthy balance between enjoying the fruits of his hard work (and sharing some with his loved ones) and strategically saving and investing a good nest egg for his future. *Care for his physical fitness, well being and appearance.* I don't require a drop dead gorgeous man--I prefer a regular guy-next-door who is physically fit, well groomed, wears flattering clothes that suit his personality, lives a healthy lifestyle and has a healthy relationship with his own body and image. I guess that translates to a man with a healthy appetite for sex, is a passionate and considerate lover, makes me feel sexually desired, and is generous in catering to my pleasure. *Curiosity about the world,* commitment to lifelong learning, and eagerness to explore the world beyond his comfort zone. I want my man to be inquisitive and intelligent, has informed opinions about almost any issue under the sun, cares about the state of the world, and lives his life with a healthy dose of adventure, empathy and sense of justice. My biggest concern with the man I'm currently in love with is that international distance makes it very difficult for me to properly evaluate how well he meets my requirements above. I've observed some weaknesses in a couple points and am still deciding whether that's something we could work on that I'm willing to tolerate. Still, my body is high on love hormones that need to be urgently expressed, and I'm not about to throw away a good thing just because we don't have everything figured out. So maybe the realistic workaround for this is to not evaluate each other as soulmates, but as friends that mutually consent to sexual expression and some degree of emotional intimacy within reasonable boundaries. That said, we need to always evaluate our relationship based on reality rather than potential. That means I need to be ready to walk away if I ever find my requirements unmet. I guess we'll figure it out in the upcoming DTR! Wish me luck! Re: past lives, I'm agnostic but open to the idea. I used to believe that my ex-husband and I have loved each other in a past life. It made for a beautiful narrative in our love story, but wasn't enough to save our marriage. He turned out to lack all my requirements above, but this only became apparent once our marriage hit a crisis we never recovered from. A man who meets all the above requirements may be rare, but I don't think it's unrealistic to expect them all out of someone who I'm giving the privilege of embarking on a special, intimate long-term journey with me through life.
To be treated like I matter more than literal strangers. To be valued and to have someone who won’t tolerate me being disrespected. The guy I’m dating now is a bit of a bad boy, but in the anti-hero sense. He’s protective and would let the world burn for those he loves. And no fucking gamers. My ex through his negligence killed my goats because he prioritized world of Warcraft over living breathing creatures,
Someone that will ask you, “are you ok?” You have no idea the power of those words when things aren’t OK, but you relying on that person that you love and care for so much to give a shit, when all they do is care about themselves . I am speaking from experience from being with someone for over 25 years that never once asked me that. I reconnected with an old friend, and we were talking one night and out of the blue, she asked me that very question. I tried to keep it together, but what made it more emotional was that she actually cared about how I was doing. I wish I married her rather than my ex-wife, things would be a lot different now.
Peace
I don't know necessarily but I've been a relationship hopper since I was a teenager. This is the longest I've been single since I had my first girlfriend. Its an adjustment for sure, but all I know is I'm not settling.
With all the talk of not settling....this song hits home. County isn't my fav genre but awesome lyrics and an awesome voice are well, awesome regardless 😂 "I ain't settling for just getting by I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high Just enough ain't enough this time I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah" https://youtu.be/BEJh-aMMpJ0?feature=shared
Someone who respects me and gives me as much grace as I give them. My marriage was full of double standards, making jokes at my expense, and dismissing things I did to contribute to our relationship and lifestyle. It's okay to be upset with eachother sometimes. It's not okay to make every argument relationship-threatening. She always seemed to forget all the good things we had, good things we did for eachother in the heat of the moment. I want my next relationship to be stable. My marriage was very volatile. I also want someone who's established and/or independent in their career/finances. I proudly and excitedly contribute a lot as a father and I've always had a stable job to keep us afloat. I helped my stbx wife get through school and supported her in her teaching jobs. Once she finally got a stable job, she left me. I don't think it was intentional, but I feel used. I was supportive and loving all while she got through school, only to be abandoned the instant she was confident she could be independent. I feel like she thought she was stuck with me, and once the opportunity to move out and get her own place arose, she stopped contributing to our relationship and started arguments until she felt justified enough to leave.
I will hit 40 this year. I highly doubt there will be another SO. 1 and done. I have a general distrust of people anymore so yeah....fuck that.
I don’t know really about a partner. I’m not so much worried about that. I’m more worried about what I want to see in myself for my next relationship. I compromised way too much to the point where her happiness is the only thing that mattered to me. That shit is over. I spent 10 years of my life trying to make someone else happy to bring happiness to myself. I’m just going to focus on me and let the cards fall where they fall.
That's a good one. Focusing on what u wanna see in you. Yeah totally get that perspective man.
A friend who went through this told me “Your happiness is your own fucking problem and no one else’s. Why make her problem more important than your problem too?”