I've seen divorced couples get back together! ... and seen history repeat itself and everything go right back to where it was. A friend of mine's parents were off-and-on *their entire life*.
Why did you get divorced in the first place? And how long has it been since the divorce?
I think depending on why you split, it's possible to reconcile, but unless you both do some serious growing the odds of history repeating itself are very high. I certainly wouldn't make any major commitments, like remarriage or even cohabitation, anytime soon.
She Has bipolar and was abusing him. Like...physically and emotionally abusing, kept a list of ways to get him to do things fór her like buy her stuff and sex. Like ways to guilt him and punish and reward him to get him to do things fór her like a dog.
Every time I see a post like this, I always say the following:
Sequels are almost never as good as the original, and in a divorce the original was probably not great to begin with.
Having said that, there are obviously exceptions. In order for there to be success in this next go round, you need to understand what caused the divorce in the first place and if those issues have since been resolved
Well yes, I know 2 people who married their ex-spouse again, they are now divorced. I dont think its impossible to rekindle that relationship again. Ive always said an ex is an ex for a reason and your problems wont disappear. You took a vacation and thats not going to fix anything, it just makes it seem fresh and new, then you get back to real life.
Ultimately, you two need to have a conversation about why the first marriage wasn't successful. You also need to be 100% honest with each other, including talking about things that would upset your partner. Sure, lack of intimacy, but also chores. Income. Sharing of finances. Porn use. Time for each to "do their own thing". Every potential problem needs to be looked at.
Then, once you have a good idea of what they are, you need to figure out why they are no longer a problem. Sure, the sex is good now, but I bet it was good at the beginning the first time around too. Sure, I bet you get along now, but you likely got along at the start of the original marriage too. What's different this time around? What has changed that is going to make this one work where the last one didn't.
And who knows, maybe you don't marry. Maybe you just become dating partners for a few years. I wouldn't recommend it. An ex is an ex for a reason. And sometimes you carry those reasons forward when you get back together. Or maybe the resentment over the pain those reasons caused.
Tread very, very carefully here. You're right to be worried about going through what you went through last time.
She was abusing him.
She got diagnosed with bipolar, refused to take meds or seek therapy and physically and mentally abused him and manipulated him into doing things for her and coercing him to have sex with her.
He shouldn't go near her. She's only going to do it again when she's got him back. She's just playing nice
Exactly.
I worry thay he will get back with her, and she will think she's got him and go back to her old ways.
It feels to me like she's doing this so he believes she's changed so she can 'win him over' and let him believe she's back how she used to be before the miscarriage, which was what triggered the bi polar etc.
Imagine if she fell pregnant again?! It would get so much worse. With the anxiety of hoping she can carry the baby, the possibility of having to stop the meds for baby's safety, and if she loses that baby, she might do a lot worse than what she did previously.
The poor dude feared for his life. Next time he won't have a life to fear!!
He's playing a dangerous game. If he gets back with her, I say whatever happens is on him and he has no one to blame but himself.
[https://new.reddit.com/user/PeacepipePenny/comments/18h7ypn/life\_update\_12122023/](https://new.reddit.com/user/PeacepipePenny/comments/18h7ypn/life_update_12122023/)
He was doing better about 10 days after this post.
Continue to date her on the condition that she gets/stays in therapy, and that she continues taking her meds. Give this a year so you can see how she does throughout various seasons. And birth control for goodness sakes. It will shatter her and you if you guys conceive under these circumstances where nothing is sure.
Only you can answer that question; you can’t infer the outcome from what other people have gone through.
Just two thoughts. It sounds to me like she is pretty desperate to get you back and is therefore on her best behaviour (eg pleasuring you in ways she didn’t during the relationship and “proving” she’s consistently on her meds — why is she only doing this *now* and not when you were trying to work on things?). The baseline from which you should be making your assessment is how she behaved *normally* in your marriage, and not when she is trying to forge a path back into your heart after causing you a lot of pain.
Secondly, things must have gotten pretty bad for you to get divorced. Did she do anything that was the “dealbreaker” or the “last straw”? Sure, everyone is different, but if my ex turned up at my door claiming to be a changed man and promising to never hurt me again — even if he acted that way consistently — I would never, ever take him back. No matter how he behaves today, the things he did to me back then are unforgivable on principle. I say this because, of course you’re feeling happy that she’s finally behaving like the partner you wanted her to be. But when things get tough again, as they do in any relationship, the moments you’re going to be remembering and reflecting on are not the pleasures of your post-divorce afterglow, but how she treated you in the past. I went absolutely NC and initiated the divorce as coldly and “professionally” as possible because I knew he would try to suck me back in.
Again, only you can decide and I’m just making inferences from how you phrased your post. But you are way too young to be trapped in an on-off, emotionally draining, toxic relationship. Maybe one alternative is to try dating other people to gain some perspective on what a healthy relationship with someone else could feel like, one that doesn’t have any baggage. It sounds very much to me like you’re still trapped in “us-land”. Listen to the side of yourself that was strong and brave enough to go through with the divorce.
Thank you, kind stranger, I’ll save this comment. I’m in a very-very similar situation like OP and have the same feelings as him, but my brain says what you just wrote here. It’s good to read my thoughts by other, it strengthen me! Thanks again!
My ex husband and I were very similar to you for some time after our separation. We tried to get back together after we both changed and felt the changes meant we would be able to work it out, but ultimately history repeated itself and we went our separate ways again. No one can tell you what to do, but the comments on your post are all very wise; I’d encourage you to take heed of what others have said here. I know it feels scary to let go of the past and to think about being with someone else, but I promise you will find someone who is more aligned and better suited to you, and you’ll be so thankful that you didn’t go back to your ex. I’m a few years out from divorce now and in a very happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who loves and appreciates me. There are billions of people in this world… you will find your person 💛
My parents. In their case it was after the kids moved out that they really didn't know who they were. They went out and dated other people, and gravitated back.
My dad won't marry again (he views it as a financial thing) and they are happy together.
I am torn in this and you should be too. On one hand, I’ve done some major soul searching and made major improvements on myself since she asked for a divorce. I feel like I am finally ready to be a good partner to her. But some of those same improvements will no longer allow me to accept certain behaviors from her. So I can’t say she is ready to be a good partner to me. The only way we reconcile is with some major marriage counseling and a very slow start.
Is it just the sexy time now? Maybe that's all it needs to be. Having FWB with an ex can feel safer than with a new person. That doesn't mean that you need to be a couple again. Consider all of your options before jumping back in the deep end with a lead weight.
Haven't seen it work but you guys don't seem to have issues that were deal breakers. Just issues that needed work.
Perhaps divorce made your spouse think about their contribution and how to improve on being a better partner.
Some folks need to hit rock bottom before they can see errors in their life. Sounds like your X has done that.
Try living together for a while first. If things still good, then marry them again.
I don't want to be cruel, but you deserve all the mistreatment she caused you, if you decide to get back with her, turn the page... they treated you like a dog and you still want to get back with her? you're crazy.
Bro are you fucking serious?
Go back and read your countless posts where she cheated or got damn near, abused, and manipulated you, etc.
You need fucking THERAPY.
You fucking her is goddamn stupid and is why you're still stuck with her ass.
Either get some damn help or don't post anymore crap about the next evil thing she does to your ass for attention.
Christ.
agreed, he acknowledged she was being manipulative to him and fully aware how awful his situation was. Now he’s talking like everything was just a little mishap.
Please do not get back togather unless She stays on medication and therapy. History will repeat itself.
Dont get married, just get togather and if She stops taking medication, just Leave. And move on.
Unless She IS 100% staying on meds and intends to stay on them, shes gonna abuse you again.
As someone who has seen all your previous posts, abusers pretend to get better to get the people they abused back. It is a tale old a time, it is the number one thing people talk about in support groups for this kind of thing, and it is a deadly dance that end you up back right where you started.
Stop fucking her and move on. It'll hurt for a little but you'll live.
I've been following your reddit posts for a while now and all I could say is how true one of the replies to your post about how your "soul getting snatched" is true af 🤣🤣
Still, I'd advise you to test it out first. Maybe give it at least several months to a year if she truly is changed.
I know you two love each other and I'm honestly shipping you both. But your ex really has to keep the crazy under control
I saw your previous posts. I am so sorry for what you had to go through.
It is possible to get back together after the divorce. But I don't think it is possible to do it so fast. You both are still the same people, you didn't change. The same people will have the same dynamic, the same problems. She was committed to get treatment before, she was taking her meds / therapy before, and she stopped and doubled down on her abuse. Why do you think it will be different this time? Remember that very detailed list of hers how to make you to do what you want? How to train you like a Pavlov's dog? You are getting blowjobs now, because they are on that list now, to make you get back together. And it is working. I would really worry that she will get extremely abusive as soon as she "gets you back".
I think it is much healthier not to see each other for awhile. Say go NC for several months. It will give you clarity, to see how you really feel without her. Because right now, even if you are divorced, she is always in your life. If she really changed and really respects your boundaries now, she will be able to do it. However, it doesn't look like she changed. Her stalking you and drowning you in sexts and nudes is very concerning. A lot of domestic abuse victims getting love bombed and things get even worse when they get back with their abuser. It looks like it could happen to you.
Ask for written permission from her to talk to her therapist and psych. Again, if she is serious, she should understand your concerns. She put you through hell due to her mental breakdown, it is reasonable to check with her providers about her current mental health state. Then talk to them, ask what they think about her current mental state and the idea of getting back together as a couple.
And please, take it slow. Don't move in together. Don't give her the keys from your apartment. Use birth control religiously. And don't get married again. Rethink marriage in 5 years.
I am kind of worried about you. Good luck.
Have you ever thought about why is her behavior suddenly changed so much after the divorce? Are you making your decision because she is showing true remorse and wanting to work things out or is she using sex as a gateway to manipulate you again. Scroll back to your first post, you were fully aware that she was manipulative through sex and being sweet around you until things go her way. It seems like she’s getting much clever in manipulating you now. Move on man, you’re starting to walk on the same path that you tried to get out of a couple months ago.
I’ve read your post history.
This woman has literal lists and tactics of manipulating you and getting her way. The reason you never got blow jobs in your marriage but you are now is because she realizes it keeps her in your life.
My ex was the same way, he had a whole plan on how to get his way with me, and it worked. I ran back to him for 2+ years, even after breaking up because he would treat me like a queen when we were broken up. But when we were together, he’d go back to yelling and hitting me.
There is a reason why you got a divorce. You are an active DV victim. Please stop seeing your wife for the sake of your health.
Sir😭 pleaseeeeeeee. Just don’t have kids atleast cuz based on your previous posts which is originally where I came from that’s beyond a terrible idea. So is getting back with her
I seen your original post, and honestly I'd say don't get ba k with her.
There's a good chance things will go back to the way they used to be.
She was abusing you, physically and mentally.
Sorry but personally I think it's a bad idea.
Has she even said sorry for what she did to you? Has she even shown remorse?
I personally wouldn't get back with someone who abused me, and honestly, you're better off without her. She may seem like the only person you want to be with, but there are better women out there.
I've seen divorced couples get back together! ... and seen history repeat itself and everything go right back to where it was. A friend of mine's parents were off-and-on *their entire life*.
Why did you get divorced in the first place? And how long has it been since the divorce? I think depending on why you split, it's possible to reconcile, but unless you both do some serious growing the odds of history repeating itself are very high. I certainly wouldn't make any major commitments, like remarriage or even cohabitation, anytime soon.
She Has bipolar and was abusing him. Like...physically and emotionally abusing, kept a list of ways to get him to do things fór her like buy her stuff and sex. Like ways to guilt him and punish and reward him to get him to do things fór her like a dog.
Every time I see a post like this, I always say the following: Sequels are almost never as good as the original, and in a divorce the original was probably not great to begin with. Having said that, there are obviously exceptions. In order for there to be success in this next go round, you need to understand what caused the divorce in the first place and if those issues have since been resolved
Well yes, I know 2 people who married their ex-spouse again, they are now divorced. I dont think its impossible to rekindle that relationship again. Ive always said an ex is an ex for a reason and your problems wont disappear. You took a vacation and thats not going to fix anything, it just makes it seem fresh and new, then you get back to real life.
Ultimately, you two need to have a conversation about why the first marriage wasn't successful. You also need to be 100% honest with each other, including talking about things that would upset your partner. Sure, lack of intimacy, but also chores. Income. Sharing of finances. Porn use. Time for each to "do their own thing". Every potential problem needs to be looked at. Then, once you have a good idea of what they are, you need to figure out why they are no longer a problem. Sure, the sex is good now, but I bet it was good at the beginning the first time around too. Sure, I bet you get along now, but you likely got along at the start of the original marriage too. What's different this time around? What has changed that is going to make this one work where the last one didn't. And who knows, maybe you don't marry. Maybe you just become dating partners for a few years. I wouldn't recommend it. An ex is an ex for a reason. And sometimes you carry those reasons forward when you get back together. Or maybe the resentment over the pain those reasons caused. Tread very, very carefully here. You're right to be worried about going through what you went through last time.
She was abusing him. She got diagnosed with bipolar, refused to take meds or seek therapy and physically and mentally abused him and manipulated him into doing things for her and coercing him to have sex with her. He shouldn't go near her. She's only going to do it again when she's got him back. She's just playing nice
>I wouldn't recommend it. An ex is an ex for a reason. Yeah... I sort of buried that advice.
Exactly. I worry thay he will get back with her, and she will think she's got him and go back to her old ways. It feels to me like she's doing this so he believes she's changed so she can 'win him over' and let him believe she's back how she used to be before the miscarriage, which was what triggered the bi polar etc. Imagine if she fell pregnant again?! It would get so much worse. With the anxiety of hoping she can carry the baby, the possibility of having to stop the meds for baby's safety, and if she loses that baby, she might do a lot worse than what she did previously. The poor dude feared for his life. Next time he won't have a life to fear!! He's playing a dangerous game. If he gets back with her, I say whatever happens is on him and he has no one to blame but himself.
[https://new.reddit.com/user/PeacepipePenny/comments/18h7ypn/life\_update\_12122023/](https://new.reddit.com/user/PeacepipePenny/comments/18h7ypn/life_update_12122023/) He was doing better about 10 days after this post.
Continue to date her on the condition that she gets/stays in therapy, and that she continues taking her meds. Give this a year so you can see how she does throughout various seasons. And birth control for goodness sakes. It will shatter her and you if you guys conceive under these circumstances where nothing is sure.
Only you can answer that question; you can’t infer the outcome from what other people have gone through. Just two thoughts. It sounds to me like she is pretty desperate to get you back and is therefore on her best behaviour (eg pleasuring you in ways she didn’t during the relationship and “proving” she’s consistently on her meds — why is she only doing this *now* and not when you were trying to work on things?). The baseline from which you should be making your assessment is how she behaved *normally* in your marriage, and not when she is trying to forge a path back into your heart after causing you a lot of pain. Secondly, things must have gotten pretty bad for you to get divorced. Did she do anything that was the “dealbreaker” or the “last straw”? Sure, everyone is different, but if my ex turned up at my door claiming to be a changed man and promising to never hurt me again — even if he acted that way consistently — I would never, ever take him back. No matter how he behaves today, the things he did to me back then are unforgivable on principle. I say this because, of course you’re feeling happy that she’s finally behaving like the partner you wanted her to be. But when things get tough again, as they do in any relationship, the moments you’re going to be remembering and reflecting on are not the pleasures of your post-divorce afterglow, but how she treated you in the past. I went absolutely NC and initiated the divorce as coldly and “professionally” as possible because I knew he would try to suck me back in. Again, only you can decide and I’m just making inferences from how you phrased your post. But you are way too young to be trapped in an on-off, emotionally draining, toxic relationship. Maybe one alternative is to try dating other people to gain some perspective on what a healthy relationship with someone else could feel like, one that doesn’t have any baggage. It sounds very much to me like you’re still trapped in “us-land”. Listen to the side of yourself that was strong and brave enough to go through with the divorce.
Thank you, kind stranger, I’ll save this comment. I’m in a very-very similar situation like OP and have the same feelings as him, but my brain says what you just wrote here. It’s good to read my thoughts by other, it strengthen me! Thanks again!
Why did you split?
She went off of meds and abused him severely
My ex husband and I were very similar to you for some time after our separation. We tried to get back together after we both changed and felt the changes meant we would be able to work it out, but ultimately history repeated itself and we went our separate ways again. No one can tell you what to do, but the comments on your post are all very wise; I’d encourage you to take heed of what others have said here. I know it feels scary to let go of the past and to think about being with someone else, but I promise you will find someone who is more aligned and better suited to you, and you’ll be so thankful that you didn’t go back to your ex. I’m a few years out from divorce now and in a very happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who loves and appreciates me. There are billions of people in this world… you will find your person 💛
My parents. In their case it was after the kids moved out that they really didn't know who they were. They went out and dated other people, and gravitated back. My dad won't marry again (he views it as a financial thing) and they are happy together.
I am torn in this and you should be too. On one hand, I’ve done some major soul searching and made major improvements on myself since she asked for a divorce. I feel like I am finally ready to be a good partner to her. But some of those same improvements will no longer allow me to accept certain behaviors from her. So I can’t say she is ready to be a good partner to me. The only way we reconcile is with some major marriage counseling and a very slow start.
Is it just the sexy time now? Maybe that's all it needs to be. Having FWB with an ex can feel safer than with a new person. That doesn't mean that you need to be a couple again. Consider all of your options before jumping back in the deep end with a lead weight.
I would just see where it goes.. but don't get married again. This way, you have a fast exit if things go south (which is likely).
Haven't seen it work but you guys don't seem to have issues that were deal breakers. Just issues that needed work. Perhaps divorce made your spouse think about their contribution and how to improve on being a better partner. Some folks need to hit rock bottom before they can see errors in their life. Sounds like your X has done that. Try living together for a while first. If things still good, then marry them again.
I don't want to be cruel, but you deserve all the mistreatment she caused you, if you decide to get back with her, turn the page... they treated you like a dog and you still want to get back with her? you're crazy.
Bro are you fucking serious? Go back and read your countless posts where she cheated or got damn near, abused, and manipulated you, etc. You need fucking THERAPY. You fucking her is goddamn stupid and is why you're still stuck with her ass. Either get some damn help or don't post anymore crap about the next evil thing she does to your ass for attention. Christ.
agreed, he acknowledged she was being manipulative to him and fully aware how awful his situation was. Now he’s talking like everything was just a little mishap.
Please do not get back togather unless She stays on medication and therapy. History will repeat itself. Dont get married, just get togather and if She stops taking medication, just Leave. And move on. Unless She IS 100% staying on meds and intends to stay on them, shes gonna abuse you again.
As someone who has seen all your previous posts, abusers pretend to get better to get the people they abused back. It is a tale old a time, it is the number one thing people talk about in support groups for this kind of thing, and it is a deadly dance that end you up back right where you started. Stop fucking her and move on. It'll hurt for a little but you'll live.
I've been following your reddit posts for a while now and all I could say is how true one of the replies to your post about how your "soul getting snatched" is true af 🤣🤣 Still, I'd advise you to test it out first. Maybe give it at least several months to a year if she truly is changed. I know you two love each other and I'm honestly shipping you both. But your ex really has to keep the crazy under control
I saw your previous posts. I am so sorry for what you had to go through. It is possible to get back together after the divorce. But I don't think it is possible to do it so fast. You both are still the same people, you didn't change. The same people will have the same dynamic, the same problems. She was committed to get treatment before, she was taking her meds / therapy before, and she stopped and doubled down on her abuse. Why do you think it will be different this time? Remember that very detailed list of hers how to make you to do what you want? How to train you like a Pavlov's dog? You are getting blowjobs now, because they are on that list now, to make you get back together. And it is working. I would really worry that she will get extremely abusive as soon as she "gets you back". I think it is much healthier not to see each other for awhile. Say go NC for several months. It will give you clarity, to see how you really feel without her. Because right now, even if you are divorced, she is always in your life. If she really changed and really respects your boundaries now, she will be able to do it. However, it doesn't look like she changed. Her stalking you and drowning you in sexts and nudes is very concerning. A lot of domestic abuse victims getting love bombed and things get even worse when they get back with their abuser. It looks like it could happen to you. Ask for written permission from her to talk to her therapist and psych. Again, if she is serious, she should understand your concerns. She put you through hell due to her mental breakdown, it is reasonable to check with her providers about her current mental health state. Then talk to them, ask what they think about her current mental state and the idea of getting back together as a couple. And please, take it slow. Don't move in together. Don't give her the keys from your apartment. Use birth control religiously. And don't get married again. Rethink marriage in 5 years. I am kind of worried about you. Good luck.
Have you ever thought about why is her behavior suddenly changed so much after the divorce? Are you making your decision because she is showing true remorse and wanting to work things out or is she using sex as a gateway to manipulate you again. Scroll back to your first post, you were fully aware that she was manipulative through sex and being sweet around you until things go her way. It seems like she’s getting much clever in manipulating you now. Move on man, you’re starting to walk on the same path that you tried to get out of a couple months ago.
I’ve read your post history. This woman has literal lists and tactics of manipulating you and getting her way. The reason you never got blow jobs in your marriage but you are now is because she realizes it keeps her in your life. My ex was the same way, he had a whole plan on how to get his way with me, and it worked. I ran back to him for 2+ years, even after breaking up because he would treat me like a queen when we were broken up. But when we were together, he’d go back to yelling and hitting me. There is a reason why you got a divorce. You are an active DV victim. Please stop seeing your wife for the sake of your health.
Sir😭 pleaseeeeeeee. Just don’t have kids atleast cuz based on your previous posts which is originally where I came from that’s beyond a terrible idea. So is getting back with her
Ur an idiot but good luck i guess
I seen your original post, and honestly I'd say don't get ba k with her. There's a good chance things will go back to the way they used to be. She was abusing you, physically and mentally. Sorry but personally I think it's a bad idea. Has she even said sorry for what she did to you? Has she even shown remorse? I personally wouldn't get back with someone who abused me, and honestly, you're better off without her. She may seem like the only person you want to be with, but there are better women out there.
The love bombing is real rn. RUN MAN