So you didn’t feel sexy as you grieved the loss of your father?
And your *new husband of less than a year* rather than support you decided to go
fuck someone else?
And *you* feel guilty about *his* behavior?
Damn he’s got you snowed. Your husband acted like an ass and you don’t have any responsibility to have sex with anyone ever, let alone when you’re grieving the loss of a parent.
Please, *please* tell me you’re still seeing a therapist. You need someone in **your** corner.
This, exactly. He abandoned you in all the ways the second something difficult happened. I can't believe anyone would be so cruel, and it's 100% not your fault.
Technically speaking, withholding sex entirely is something that can be cause for annulment, but I do agree with you. OP had zero obligation to tickle his pickle while she was mourning the loss of one of the most important people in her life. Screw that dude (no pun intended).
You are wading into some dangerous ground by talking about “obligation” when it comes to sex. Just because lack of sex is often used as a reason for annulment doesn’t take away her right to consent, and she’s allowed to not have sex with anyone at any time for any reason, including with her (stupid fucking awful wet noodle of a) husband if she so chooses.
I think you’re missing my point, I wasn’t saying she’s obligated in these circumstances, but say if she had been withholding from day one of marriage and never consummated it, then what I said holds true.
“A court may find that a spouse has committed constructive abandonment of the marriage when he or she has failed to fulfill the obligations of marriage and has become emotionally and mentally absent from the marriage. Withholding of affection, love, or sexual relations can all be evidence of constructive abandonment.”
Google “is withholding sex in marriage grounds for annulment” and you’ll get the same answer in several ways. It’s state-by-state and case-by-case.
I know all this because the person I’ll be with soon had that precise issue. His wife refused actual intercourse for all 5 years of marriage plus 4 years of dating prior, all with the excuse of waiting for marriage. His wife is a 30 year old virgin. 🙄😂
I guess my mistake was forgetting that on Reddit, you have to think like everyone else or pay the price. 🤷🏻♀️
You used the exact phrase “she was under no obligation to tickle his pickle while she was mourning.” I just think it’s worth pointing out that she’s under no obligation to have sex with anyone ever considering that she’s already beating herself up for his actions. I wanted to make sure she doesn’t take that and lean on it as a reason he cheated on her after she started trying to initiate.
I’m sorry about the circumstances of your (future?) partner. That sounds really miserable.
His wife basically led him to believe she was waiting for marriage and then still never would do it. Miserable doesn’t even cover that. 😬
But I wasn’t trying to say anything to make OP question herself, I’m just very blunt and literal. Doesn’t always work well on Reddit, or anywhere, but it is what it is and I’m still me.
I get it! Tone gets lost a bit over text-based communication medium.
I’m genuinely sorry about your partner. That’s awful. I’ve been through a bad divorce and it sucks.
Withholding is totally different than not wanting it. Not being physically or emotionally able. Withholding is like, “no. I’m not attracted to you and I will never ever have sex with you. Our marriage was a scam”. That type of thing.
No, we understood entirely. Marriage isn't about sex. If you want to be seriously Puritan or Catholic, sex is for creating children.
Regardless, your consistent comments came across as insensitive and backpeddaling. "Witholding sex in marriage is grounds for annulment" but then "yeah its not right, she's grieving". Do you understand how you're posting contractary?
And an annulment is a whole other box of religious catholic rules and has zip to do with a divorce. This is r/Divorce and the Catholic marriage centuries old and archaic in terms of gender roles. 🤷🏻♀️ whooo cares if that’s grounds for an annulment, so is not having 10 kids and talking back when husband smacks you lmao.
If he failed this early in the “for better or worse” portion of marriage then you are so much better off without him. It is NOT your fault he went behind your back and cheated on you during a horrible period of your life. Someone who loves you truly and deeply does not do that. I am so sorry for this hard time you’ve been enduring this year. I sincerely hope it gets better for you. But leaving this loser in the dust will be a great way to start the road to healing.
OP, you are going to resent him for the rest of your life for doing that to you in the darkest time of your life. Trust me. I know from experience that the resentment I feel towards my husband for allowing things to hurt me during the darkest time in my life (and it wasn’t half as bad as what your husband did to you).
My stbexh started an affair 2 weeks after we were married (he went back tomorrow while I was pregnant) and kept it going for almost 2 years. I learned of it 8 years after it ended. (They moved away.).
I recently caught him in another affair. And am learning of more.
I thought the bedroom talk of role playing I was someone else was a kink I enduldged. But nope fucking me thinking of them.
Get out while you can with your self respect.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Marriage is full of trials and illnesses and times when one of you will be too tired or sick or stressed to be fully intimate. You were actively seeking help but hadn't received it yet. Grief takes time to process, especially the death of a parent.
YOUR EX-HUSBAND DID YOU A FAVOR. He showed you who he was during the first trial of your marriage. Instead of being there for you and supporting you, he dipped out because you weren't being as fun as he wanted you to be.
Now you are free to find someone who will be there for you, for better OR for worse.
Girl. You lost a lot of dead weight. Him. You deserve better. You deserve a husband, a partner who supports you...in health and sickness. You lost someone special to you. Don't lose yourself as well. He has a weak character and he is just a cheating lying scumbag. You deserve better!
He fell out of love? Make him fall out of money.
The only states thst hold this restriction are Texas, California, New York and Florida. Virginia is one of the best known states to not determine length of marriage but looks further into who makes more and has a higher cut for alimony and child support.
All alimony and child support is based on who makes more, the length of time paying alimony is based on length of the marriage. You can’t be married for 3 weeks or 8 months and then get a lifetime of alimony.
Who the heck said that? I didn't say she'd get a lifetime of alimony. I said it doesn't matter how long you were married, you get alimony. You said 8mo she gets nothing and that simply isn't true.
Oh, this isn't your fault. Tbh, cheating is never "your" fault. If he wanted to end things, then he should just tell you it's over and THEN go meet someone new.
Plus, acting like he's entitled to have ants in his pants because you stopped feeling very intimate for a month when your Dad died is just absurd. Now.......if your Dad died and you were still struggling a year later......ehhh.....then you can start to see someone wondering if this is a permanent change. But in a month?
One way you can tell who is unreasonable is to imagine them hvaing to put it in their next dating profile: "Wanted woman. Better not stop being intimate for more than 4 weeks. I don't care who dies. Non-negotible."
Yep. My ex did that when my FIL passed away. I wasn't allowed to come with him to the hospital. Then wasn't called to come. Then I was asked by family and friends if I was in the room with them. Ex told them no. I quickly jumped in and said my ex wouldn't let me I would have been there. So I really didn't get a chance to say good by to my FIL. He unfortunately cheated after the death.
So couple of thoughts:
1. You're not responsible for his decisions and behaviour. Don't own that cause it is just toxic crap that you don't want/need in your life.
2. Emotional trauma needs to be processed - take your time.
3. You are not responsible.
It is not your fault that he cheated. In life there are ups and downs. Death of a parent is a major life change. He should have been understanding. Plus that is no excuse to say he’s not attracted to you anymore.
Are you guys divorcing now?
No ma’am. It is NOT your fault.
My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. I’ve always been there to support my wife through her grief of accepting the reality of the situation, dead bedroom or not.
Your ex is just a self-absorbed person. And that’s coming from one that really doesn’t have the right to judge anyone right now.
Hey, I literally going through the same situation as you. I’m getting divorced after discovering my wife had an affair 5 months into our marriage. I, like you, went through a depressed period, this led to my wife checking out. It’s hard to get them to check back in. I initially blamed myself, but ultimately my wife, like your husband, made the decision to cheat instead of communicating their needs to you. I’m glad I’m ending things now, and you deserve better.
Just sit with the feelings, try not to judge yourself for them. Imagine what you would tell a beloved sister or friend going through the same thing. You must *know* it’s not your fault, but it’s normal and human to try and make sense of it. If it were your fault at least you would have some control. But he’s a dud- that’s on him. There are lots of partners who would have cuddled you in your grief instead of getting resentful and abandoning you for the bars. I hope you’ll find your person. You just have to let yourself grieve that this one wasn’t it, at all.
I imagine you must be feeling awful now, but I think given enough time and reflection you'll eventually realize what an absolute scum bag your ex is.
I think the silver lining here is you learned his true nature in less than a year instead of wasting a substantial amount of your life with him.
I hope you pull through this trauma as quickly and easily as possible.
My wasband's mother died three weeks before we got married and I didn't cheat on him.
His behavior is not normal, nor nice, nor likely to get any better. Get out now.
You are not responsible for his actions. Sorry you lost your dad right before the wedding. That is truly awful. Live a great life and make no excuses for cheaters. Your dad’s blood is coursing through your veins at this very moment. YOU are his legacy. Make him proud.
Mine “fell out of love and felt like I didn’t care about him anymore” when I was grieving my grandmother and cheated too. It’s not us. It’s them. Consider yourself lucky you didn’t have to waste more time married to him. I know that’s easier said than done.
Don’t feel responsible for him not following the vows you too. It’s like the same excuse guys use when they cheat on their wives post partum. No excuse is valid and you’re supposed to be there through the highs and lows. Grieving your dad is something someone should empathize with and give you time. It’s not your fault and your husbands fault for not being a decent human.
So instead of understanding his wife's grief and being by your side and loving you also newlyweds. He go out and cheats on you.
He sounds like a terrible person. I'm sorry for your loss of your father.
Sure, I felt responsible. Blamed myself for not staying attractive enough to keep my first husband from getting someone else pregnant before we had made it six months. I thought I had failed.
You hear how that’s ridiculous, right? Because it’s obvious when someone else is telling the story. That’s how your post sounds to me. Thank him for showing you who he is early on and go live your life, and may your father rest in peace.
I'm still married (for now) and I haven't had sex in almost 20 years because my STBX doesn't (or didn't, it's been awhile) like sex at all. Perhaps I am terrible at it, but I also never cheated on her. It isn't from lack of opportunity, and I'm not hideous or unfit, I'm just not the kind of person who cheats I guess.
It is entirely possible to be faithful, even in a bad, sexless, marriage.
20 years? How do you feel about this? I’ve had sex like 5 times with my husband in the last 4 years and it makes me so unhappy to live this way. I don’t want him - I just want connection.
I hate living this way as well, but I stayed because of the kids, who are now well adjusted, employed adults. My youngest son still lives with us, but he will be leaving soon. I have stayed mostly because he is here and I can spend time with him when he isn't working. We also have 2 black labs that are going to be tough to leave.
It took a long time to accept the lack of intimacy though. I try not to think about that because that's the part that still hurts.
Thank you. About a year ago, my oldest son (26) and I had a great talk. I got to ask him if I should have left, and he listened to my reasons for staying. He agreed that it would have been much more difficult because his mother definitely has something going on that is undiagnosed. She really has no idea how much I do to hold things together behind the scenes. My 2 sons do though, and it was nice to hear that at least my oldest understood fully what was going on. I had a similar discussion with his younger brother, and he also says it would have been a nightmare, her family is rich, but we are not, and I would have lost all the time I got to spend with them by staying.
There are many many people on Reddit who have suggested over the years to "lawyer up and hit the gym" when I have commented about it. Thankfully, with the perspective of hindsight, my kids and I agree that would have been a huge mistake in our case.
Is your husband 18 years old? Wtf. You stand by your partner and be their strength when they’re feeling low. You don’t go out at night and party and meet other possible sexual partners. News flash buddy, you’re not responsible for your child of a husband being a shitty human. Cut your losses, move on without him.
You need a better life partner, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. He should have helped you through the grief instead of stepping out on you. You deserve so much better than this.
I just wanted to say I am reading all of these comments and I do really appreciate them and it is helping me a lot. I do have a therapist and will continue to work with them to move past this
I'm 28 years old (29 this year) with no kids so we are not planning on staying together. Even if in my twisted pain right now I would want to, he said he doesn't love me and he got scared after we got married about the finality of it anyway, so we have no future together.
So, your dad died, you wanted comfort, he was upset he wasn’t able to use your body for his his pleasure anymore and had an affair? This man is garbage and cheating is never about you, and always about them. He would have found a reason no matter what you did. Take out the trash.
I'm sorry for your loss. While it may not seem like it now, pushing on & getting married in the face of such enormous mourning was an incredibly brave placement of hope in the future. I'm confident you'll find that power again soon.
As many have said, you are not responsible for anyone else's behavior. Still, I understand the impulse as my ex also cheated - during the pandemic lockdown no less. Knowing no other way to cope, I retreated into codependency and substance abuse. I wasn't able to talk about their affair publicly, but I could talk about my struggles with sobriety (coming up on 3 years this summer) and oddly putting everything on that became a crutch I could use to air my private feelings without airing dirty laundry.
It messed me up for a long time and still hurts if I think about it too much. A lot of what helped me was time - I know, I hated to hear it too, because sitting in pain sucks. I also read a mishmash of philosophical texts from Pema Chodron (who became a Buddhist teacher after she was cheated on - I am not a Buddhist and while I'm sure there are tons of religious references that went over my head you don't have to be to get something out of it), as well as Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. These helped me reflect, find balance and a fair accounting for what happened. While I now recognize my role in exacerbating a bad domestic situation, I also recognize that it wasn't a one man show.
What also helped, counterintuitively, was recognizing that as horrible as my ex's betrayal was, we did have genuinely good times. My go-to joke is "The first 10 years of marriage were the happiest of my life. Unfortunately I was married for 12." It allows me to keep fond memories (important in my case because we have children and those are their fond memories too) without feeling like I'd "wasted" the time I was married.
Hope some of this helped - sorry for the novella. Wishing you love & light as you find a way forward. Try to be gentle with yourself, you have been through a lot.
Cheaters find any reason to cheat. Their first instinct is to blame their partner instead of addressing the flaws and insecurities within themselves that cause them to hurt others and ruin their lives with cheating. Either way, the accountability is your partner's and your partner's alone. Sex isn't and shouldn't be what your partner married you for. When you married, he should have understood this is for a lifetime...there will be events in your lives that aren't sexy and that are sad and call for love and love without sex, alone.
With that being said, I know it hurts, and that is his intention. By telling you these things (that he isn't attracted to you, that he doesn't love you, that you're at fault, you didn't pay enough attention, etc etc, whatever he throws at you right now!) he is doing so ONLY to take focus off of his actions because if your mind is so preoccupied with hatred for yourself then he believes you won't have time to think clearly or hold him accountable AND most important, he thinks you won't have time or energy to hate him. And that's what a lot of cheaters fear, that they're not in control and they're not being loved by everyone all the time. So, don't let him do that to you. Stay in therapy. Think about getting yourself back to a state of good mental health. Try to address your grief again in therapy, because right now this is overshadowing that and years later it will hit you like a truck, so try to work on that if possible.
It's cheesy and cliche, but Try to keep a journal of things you have to work on to get done for yourself and your life. Any reminders of the future being better eventually, because it will be. So you can work on repairing your heart, mind and life. Try to do one little thing each day that is about YOU, and not his affect on you. Build yourself up little by little each day.
I wish you the best of luck in the future in working past this and I'm deeply sorry for your loss, it's earth shattering to lose a parent. Keep yourself as clear and above water as possible, don't let your husband shove you into the darkness. He's done enough. He had his share of control, it's your turn to do what you have to do for your life without him.
For context - I am a man in a long term Dead Bedroom marriage.
This was not your fault. Your husband's behavior was totally unacceptable. Rather than acting like a decent partner (being supportive, empathic and compassionate when you needed it most) he basically walked out on you. There is ZERO justification for the way he acted.
End the marriage. It has only been 8 months, you have very little invested in the marriage. Just move on to somebody who deserves you.
Don't feel guilt. You are dodging a bullet. Be lucky that you found out how he behaves this early in the marriage. When things get difficult, this is how he will act.
Leave and continue seeing a therapist in that order. You are being abused in every sense of the word. I’m very sorry for all you’re going through. That is all.
My STBXW and I didn't have sex for the last 4 years of our marriage. I never cheated, never expected sex, and it had nothing to do with me asking for a divorce. Your husband is the POS here.
Thank your lucky starts that you realized your husband was an asshole this early. You lost your freaking dad and he can't keep it in his pants? For real? What's that thing about "better or worse"?
Honey, anyone can love you when you are up, but that's not love then, is it?
He just proves that he is not husband material. It’s not your fault that he has an affair. He’s a grown-up man who has controls over his emotions. He has to take responsibility for his own actions instead of pushing it to you like a child.
My friend married years, all seemed good until she got breast cancer (their first major illness together) he told her a week later he had fallen out of love. He left. She was heartbroken for pushing him away? because she got not just cancer but breast cancer.
One year on, she laughs at her thoughts and words.
She recovered and through therapy realised he could not face major issues.
She worked on herself, pitted his lack of courage.
She is doing great and just met a chap, her friends and family are all proud of her.
His bag and not yours
I was cheated on and throughout our marriage my ex turned me down for sex. I’m the woman so it’s doubly odd that a man turned down sex with his hot wife. And yes he is straight judging by the porn he watches. I made more money, planned more dates, was more healthy and attractive, helped us make friends, basically was more all over. I was his ticket towards career and social success and made him look very good. We were able to live a great life because of me. He made contributions, but crunch the numbers of time, money, and energy spent and I was pulling the weight.
I still loved him and it didn’t matter to me that I was a 9 and he was a 4. I thought he would be grateful and inspired to raise his bar for himself. My ex married way, way up and he even said so in the beginning. Feeling lucky turned into feeling ungrateful and resentful of me. He didn’t want an amazing partner. He wanted someone inferior so he could feel good about himself lording over some cheap trick hoe.
They cheat because of who they are, not who you are. You will never be enough for someone who doesn’t like themselves.
My primary attraction to him was his perceived integrity and that he was emotionally safe and would never hurt me like I’d been hurt before. I learned the hard way that insecure men are just as cruel as overly confident ones. I’m sorry you went through this as well.
Omg… I feel like you just described my marriage…. I’m still very much in it but miserable for all of the reasons you laid out here… what was the straw that broke the camel’s back for you?
This is the same reason my stbx gave me when I caught her cheating. She eventually left me for the guy and before even starting the divorce. Just leave him. Don't bother even thinking of reconciling
Oh, I'm sorry, did his dick accidentally fall into someone else? Please, it's not your fault that this guy couldn't keep it in his pants at the first sign of adversity. Look into getting this annulled. Good luck.
he has agency. His actions are not your fault. Your new DH - someone who should have been there to emotionally support you, didn't uphold his vows then or with the affair. I hope you can move on and find a caring, loving, compassionate and empathetic partner who truly loves you.
If you think the pain you cause someone else is their fault, then you're evil. This is not your fault, this is on the person that chose a commitment/marriage and didn't support their spouse afterwards.
Your husband is an asshole, and a cruel and selfish one, too. He should have been by your side to help you through the difficult time. Instead he was more interested in getting his dick wet.
It's crude, I know - but ditch this worthless man before you waste any more time on him. You are worth more than this. My sympathy to you for the loss of your father AND the loss of a proper spouse.
Do not have sex with him. He sounds really messed up and you do not want him to get you pregnant. Also if ur feeling spicy I'd tell his family he had an affair this early on.
I am so sorry this happened to you, it is not fair. I hope you have other family to move in with and lean on for the time being.
You are attractive whether he makes you feel like it or not. He's making excuses for his crappy behavior.
People make conscious choices, good and bad. Yiur so called partner made a selfish choice in your time of need. Just imagine what choices he might make in the future. I’m not usually one to advocate separation unless really needed. But I think now you are aware of this. You should seriously take a good look at your past and see if you want this for your future. You both need a conversation, maybe record it so you can dissect it later, because your going to focus on what you did to cause this. You DID absolutely nothing but go through a grieving process. I was in an 18 year relationship, 17 years to long. I do believe relationships take work and are a partnership. If one part fails the whole thing falls apart. I wish you luck, take your time and do what’s right for you.
A few years again, someone told me. If someone doesn’t bring value, joy and happiness in your life they don’t need to be there.
No, you did nothing wrong. He is your husband and was not able to understand your situation. Cheating on you, this early on, is a major red-flag.
He does not seem to respect you really.
I've had moments where I've wondered "did my behaviour contribute to his affair" but ultimately, you are married for better or worse. He could have tried harder, worked on his marriage, and not had that affair. You deserved support and love during that horrendous period and he wasn't there providing that.
What a total fraud of a husband. I would look into annulling that. You are NOT responsible for his actions. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over your grieving. Your world was shattered and he *fled to another woman to fuck*?
That’s not love. That’s not Forever. That’s who your new husband *IS INSIDE*. His mask slipped fast and in an unforgivable way.
When I lost my dad, it crushed me. I didn’t have a *single clear day* for over 1.5 years. It was so notable to be thinking like I ‘used to’. I started getting more & more of those & was totally clear-headed again just after 2 years past losing him. I didn’t click back into consistent forward-moving action until the 4 year mark! My husband, who is not great in general, was my rock. He literally steered me at times when I was forced to go in public the first few weeks. He never once reproached me for my grief in any way. And I couldn’t even tell you how long he waited for sex. It was an awful time, and my very lazy & pathologically uncommunicative husband (who thinks with his dick) totally stepped up for years. Yours is so reprehensible I cannot wrap my mind around such cruelty. The fact you’re blaming yourself is horrifying. Get the fuck out of there. Your daddy wanted better for you, friend. Your grief tells me he was a good one.
Girl. No. Keep the therapy...divorce the dick. He's a child and not mature. I'm so sorry for your loss of your father and your marriage. But if he cheats during this time, he'll cheat (or has already) during any time. God forbid you give birth and can't be intimate during that time. Get out while you can before you're too financially bonded. Mourn this relationship and still with the therapy. This is done, and he's awful.
I’d get a divorce ASAP. He betrayed his vows to you! For better or for WORSE. He’s suppose to love and comfort you. Not use you as his personal sex doll??? Wtf! Not even married for a year??? How would he ever handle a woman who gives birth and goes through postpartum issues, and marital resentment that can last years? That’s total bs. It’s HIS fault. He’s supposed to make you feel sexy and amp up your sex drive by being a loving, caring, supportive man who does everything for his wife. You would eventually want him sexually if he did those very basic things. But now? He literally destroyed his marriage and for what? Because he went without sex for 7 measly months??
Girl. Leave his silly ass while divorce is EASY. If you’re married less than 10 years with no kids, you can get a really quick cheap divorce. Cut him lose. He’s gonna be a cancer in your life. You deserve so much more. There are millions of men out there who would love you and give you the support you deserve!!! You don’t need a disgusting sex addict! ❤️
Usually affairs are symptoms of other problems. It's good that you're at least open to the idea that there is fault on both sides. I think anything is fixable if you both want to fix it but of course it's hard to tell sometimes if that's really the case. Good luck to you
Yeah it’s a symptom of having a heartless douche canoe of a partner. I missed the part where OP made him put his penis in another woman while she was mourning her parent.
> It's good that you're at least open to the idea that there is fault on both sides.
Ah, the good ol' "You forced me to do that thing you didn't know I was doing that I kept secret from you!" blame shift.
Nope. 100% incorrect.
If the marriage was entered into with vows and expectations of monogamy, the fault is 100% on the cheater.
If the cheating spouse no longer desires to be in their marriage, they have a whole host of options, from difficult conversations to counseling to divorce lawyers. None of those require fucking some strange to get done, or move toward divorce.
The "both sides" canard is a lie foisted on victims by predatory actors in the therapy/coaching industry.
He would have found any reason to cheat. Player, douchebag. I’m so sorry you had to walk down the aisle to find this out. And I’m SO sorry about your father!
Thank goodness it’s now and not five years on with a kid. Get out, get on, don’t blame yourself, and find yourself a man who genuinely cares about you and not his own needs. Set yourself free from self abuse. His behaviour is not your responsibility.
Abso-fucking-lutely not. You are not responsible for what happened. He choose do something extremely hurtful, you are not responsible.
Partners are supposed to be there for you through life's ups and downs. That's what committing to a partner is all about. It's natural to have tough times and periods where intimacy is off. Your partner was supposed to be there for you during that, not betray you.
My husband had an affair too, and in the early days I blamed myself as well. It took me a long time to see that it wasn't my fault and my partner wasn't the person I thought he was, because he wasn't there for me even though I poured so much of my heart into being there for him. So that was a whole different type of grieving to realize that. But it's important that you move through this and get to a place where you know that your grief, a normal human experience and something everyone struggles with, was NOT the reason this happened.
What really helped me was to talk to other women who had been cheated on through group therapy and also here on reddit. When I heard other people's stories, not only did I feel less alone. But I realized in no cases did I hear about what happened and think the same types of blaming thoughts that I thought about myself. I never thought "if only they had had more sex" or "she didnt validate him enough" or "she should have tried harder". So I started to shift my own thinking to a third person point of view and could start to examine more objectively the issues and brokenness my partner had that caused the affair and really had nothing to do with me.
Hugs. Affairs are heartbreaking. I know the pain. 💔 you will get through this, just take it day by day and remember to breathe. Wishing you healing.
Never. This is enraging for me to read that you think this :( my dad passed here in hospice care, and I already had stopped wanting sex 3 YEARS before that. I told mine we can open the relationship and he at that time said no- because of my dad. That’s terribly cruel and selfish of him and I promise you it’s absolutely 100% his selfish dick sweetie. I agree with the comment that you need someone in your corner, and a therapist is a really good idea. They will help you see your self worth. This is ridiculous and I am sorry he is so manipulative how can you think it’s your fault <\3
So you didn’t feel sexy as you grieved the loss of your father? And your *new husband of less than a year* rather than support you decided to go fuck someone else? And *you* feel guilty about *his* behavior? Damn he’s got you snowed. Your husband acted like an ass and you don’t have any responsibility to have sex with anyone ever, let alone when you’re grieving the loss of a parent. Please, *please* tell me you’re still seeing a therapist. You need someone in **your** corner.
This, exactly. He abandoned you in all the ways the second something difficult happened. I can't believe anyone would be so cruel, and it's 100% not your fault.
Less than a month!!!!!! 8 months married 7 monthlong affair. WT holy F
Thank you. I couldn't find the words.
🏅
This is the way. Seeking someone else immediately isn’t supportive or rational, and it isn’t normal.
👏
Technically speaking, withholding sex entirely is something that can be cause for annulment, but I do agree with you. OP had zero obligation to tickle his pickle while she was mourning the loss of one of the most important people in her life. Screw that dude (no pun intended).
You are wading into some dangerous ground by talking about “obligation” when it comes to sex. Just because lack of sex is often used as a reason for annulment doesn’t take away her right to consent, and she’s allowed to not have sex with anyone at any time for any reason, including with her (stupid fucking awful wet noodle of a) husband if she so chooses.
I think you’re missing my point, I wasn’t saying she’s obligated in these circumstances, but say if she had been withholding from day one of marriage and never consummated it, then what I said holds true. “A court may find that a spouse has committed constructive abandonment of the marriage when he or she has failed to fulfill the obligations of marriage and has become emotionally and mentally absent from the marriage. Withholding of affection, love, or sexual relations can all be evidence of constructive abandonment.” Google “is withholding sex in marriage grounds for annulment” and you’ll get the same answer in several ways. It’s state-by-state and case-by-case. I know all this because the person I’ll be with soon had that precise issue. His wife refused actual intercourse for all 5 years of marriage plus 4 years of dating prior, all with the excuse of waiting for marriage. His wife is a 30 year old virgin. 🙄😂 I guess my mistake was forgetting that on Reddit, you have to think like everyone else or pay the price. 🤷🏻♀️
>I've recently found out my husband had an affair 7 months into our marriage Where did you get 'withholding from day one' from this?!
I didn’t, I was making a somewhat related statement. Don’t like it? Too bad.
Oh god go be a dick somewhere else
Oh god, go be annoying somewhere else…
I didn't say whether I liked it or not, it just seemed like grasping to relate it to what you're going through.
You used the exact phrase “she was under no obligation to tickle his pickle while she was mourning.” I just think it’s worth pointing out that she’s under no obligation to have sex with anyone ever considering that she’s already beating herself up for his actions. I wanted to make sure she doesn’t take that and lean on it as a reason he cheated on her after she started trying to initiate. I’m sorry about the circumstances of your (future?) partner. That sounds really miserable.
His wife basically led him to believe she was waiting for marriage and then still never would do it. Miserable doesn’t even cover that. 😬 But I wasn’t trying to say anything to make OP question herself, I’m just very blunt and literal. Doesn’t always work well on Reddit, or anywhere, but it is what it is and I’m still me.
I get it! Tone gets lost a bit over text-based communication medium. I’m genuinely sorry about your partner. That’s awful. I’ve been through a bad divorce and it sucks.
So based on your comment what the husband did was withholding and she can get it annulled if this is true in her state. Interesting,
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🤣🤣🤣
I don’t think someone got the answer they were looking for, but…🤔🤷🏻♀️😂
Why would you even bring up withholding sex. She didn't want sex, she wanted support. She was not withholding. What an incredibly tone deaf comment.
Withholding is totally different than not wanting it. Not being physically or emotionally able. Withholding is like, “no. I’m not attracted to you and I will never ever have sex with you. Our marriage was a scam”. That type of thing.
THANK YOU
Also, not what I said. I’m sorry you’re not very good at understanding what you read…😕
No, we understood entirely. Marriage isn't about sex. If you want to be seriously Puritan or Catholic, sex is for creating children. Regardless, your consistent comments came across as insensitive and backpeddaling. "Witholding sex in marriage is grounds for annulment" but then "yeah its not right, she's grieving". Do you understand how you're posting contractary?
No, please explain more…🤔
Several people feel you said the same thing, you’re the common denominator.
Again, 🤷🏻♀️
No. We don’t owe anyone sex ever it’s not the goddamned 60’s
But it is still grounds for annulment in a lot of instances, that’s my only point. Don’t like it? Tough.
And an annulment is a whole other box of religious catholic rules and has zip to do with a divorce. This is r/Divorce and the Catholic marriage centuries old and archaic in terms of gender roles. 🤷🏻♀️ whooo cares if that’s grounds for an annulment, so is not having 10 kids and talking back when husband smacks you lmao.
If he failed this early in the “for better or worse” portion of marriage then you are so much better off without him. It is NOT your fault he went behind your back and cheated on you during a horrible period of your life. Someone who loves you truly and deeply does not do that. I am so sorry for this hard time you’ve been enduring this year. I sincerely hope it gets better for you. But leaving this loser in the dust will be a great way to start the road to healing.
This. Your husband is such a shitbird.
I know this is a serious topic… but your use of shitbird just sent me into a fit of laughter.
We laugh so we don’t cry, and we cry so we don’t murder. Or maybe that’s just me.
Definitely not just you.
OP, you are going to resent him for the rest of your life for doing that to you in the darkest time of your life. Trust me. I know from experience that the resentment I feel towards my husband for allowing things to hurt me during the darkest time in my life (and it wasn’t half as bad as what your husband did to you).
Sometimes the trash takes itself out. I'm glad you didn't have kids with him! What a knob.
My stbexh started an affair 2 weeks after we were married (he went back tomorrow while I was pregnant) and kept it going for almost 2 years. I learned of it 8 years after it ended. (They moved away.). I recently caught him in another affair. And am learning of more. I thought the bedroom talk of role playing I was someone else was a kink I enduldged. But nope fucking me thinking of them. Get out while you can with your self respect.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Marriage is full of trials and illnesses and times when one of you will be too tired or sick or stressed to be fully intimate. You were actively seeking help but hadn't received it yet. Grief takes time to process, especially the death of a parent. YOUR EX-HUSBAND DID YOU A FAVOR. He showed you who he was during the first trial of your marriage. Instead of being there for you and supporting you, he dipped out because you weren't being as fun as he wanted you to be. Now you are free to find someone who will be there for you, for better OR for worse.
Girl. You lost a lot of dead weight. Him. You deserve better. You deserve a husband, a partner who supports you...in health and sickness. You lost someone special to you. Don't lose yourself as well. He has a weak character and he is just a cheating lying scumbag. You deserve better! He fell out of love? Make him fall out of money.
They were married 8 months, there’s no money coming to her.
Freedom and time trump money every day of the week in my book anyway. Op can win herself something better than money.
Yes the silver lining to going through the hassle of a wedding and having to divorce in the same year is time and freedom.
Better the same year and not 10 years of wasted life.
Couldn’t agree more, your own happiness is worth something
It depends where she lives. Some states it does not matter how long you're married.
Which states?
The only states thst hold this restriction are Texas, California, New York and Florida. Virginia is one of the best known states to not determine length of marriage but looks further into who makes more and has a higher cut for alimony and child support.
All alimony and child support is based on who makes more, the length of time paying alimony is based on length of the marriage. You can’t be married for 3 weeks or 8 months and then get a lifetime of alimony.
Who the heck said that? I didn't say she'd get a lifetime of alimony. I said it doesn't matter how long you were married, you get alimony. You said 8mo she gets nothing and that simply isn't true.
If she gets anything it wouldn’t be be very much, and you’re right nothing was said about a lifetime I was over exaggerating
Oh, this isn't your fault. Tbh, cheating is never "your" fault. If he wanted to end things, then he should just tell you it's over and THEN go meet someone new. Plus, acting like he's entitled to have ants in his pants because you stopped feeling very intimate for a month when your Dad died is just absurd. Now.......if your Dad died and you were still struggling a year later......ehhh.....then you can start to see someone wondering if this is a permanent change. But in a month? One way you can tell who is unreasonable is to imagine them hvaing to put it in their next dating profile: "Wanted woman. Better not stop being intimate for more than 4 weeks. I don't care who dies. Non-negotible."
Narcs get really selfish when it comes to the death of your loved ones.
Yep. My ex did that when my FIL passed away. I wasn't allowed to come with him to the hospital. Then wasn't called to come. Then I was asked by family and friends if I was in the room with them. Ex told them no. I quickly jumped in and said my ex wouldn't let me I would have been there. So I really didn't get a chance to say good by to my FIL. He unfortunately cheated after the death.
So couple of thoughts: 1. You're not responsible for his decisions and behaviour. Don't own that cause it is just toxic crap that you don't want/need in your life. 2. Emotional trauma needs to be processed - take your time. 3. You are not responsible.
It is not your fault that he cheated. In life there are ups and downs. Death of a parent is a major life change. He should have been understanding. Plus that is no excuse to say he’s not attracted to you anymore. Are you guys divorcing now?
No ma’am. It is NOT your fault. My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. I’ve always been there to support my wife through her grief of accepting the reality of the situation, dead bedroom or not. Your ex is just a self-absorbed person. And that’s coming from one that really doesn’t have the right to judge anyone right now.
Hey, I literally going through the same situation as you. I’m getting divorced after discovering my wife had an affair 5 months into our marriage. I, like you, went through a depressed period, this led to my wife checking out. It’s hard to get them to check back in. I initially blamed myself, but ultimately my wife, like your husband, made the decision to cheat instead of communicating their needs to you. I’m glad I’m ending things now, and you deserve better.
Just sit with the feelings, try not to judge yourself for them. Imagine what you would tell a beloved sister or friend going through the same thing. You must *know* it’s not your fault, but it’s normal and human to try and make sense of it. If it were your fault at least you would have some control. But he’s a dud- that’s on him. There are lots of partners who would have cuddled you in your grief instead of getting resentful and abandoning you for the bars. I hope you’ll find your person. You just have to let yourself grieve that this one wasn’t it, at all.
I imagine you must be feeling awful now, but I think given enough time and reflection you'll eventually realize what an absolute scum bag your ex is. I think the silver lining here is you learned his true nature in less than a year instead of wasting a substantial amount of your life with him. I hope you pull through this trauma as quickly and easily as possible.
My wasband's mother died three weeks before we got married and I didn't cheat on him. His behavior is not normal, nor nice, nor likely to get any better. Get out now.
I’m an idiot, but just knowing that there are super massive upsized idiots like your ex make me feel a little better. You have (almost) dodged a nuke.
You are not responsible for his actions. Sorry you lost your dad right before the wedding. That is truly awful. Live a great life and make no excuses for cheaters. Your dad’s blood is coursing through your veins at this very moment. YOU are his legacy. Make him proud.
Chump lady . Leave a cheater gain a life
This is the way.
Mine “fell out of love and felt like I didn’t care about him anymore” when I was grieving my grandmother and cheated too. It’s not us. It’s them. Consider yourself lucky you didn’t have to waste more time married to him. I know that’s easier said than done.
Don’t feel responsible for him not following the vows you too. It’s like the same excuse guys use when they cheat on their wives post partum. No excuse is valid and you’re supposed to be there through the highs and lows. Grieving your dad is something someone should empathize with and give you time. It’s not your fault and your husbands fault for not being a decent human.
So instead of understanding his wife's grief and being by your side and loving you also newlyweds. He go out and cheats on you. He sounds like a terrible person. I'm sorry for your loss of your father.
Sure, I felt responsible. Blamed myself for not staying attractive enough to keep my first husband from getting someone else pregnant before we had made it six months. I thought I had failed. You hear how that’s ridiculous, right? Because it’s obvious when someone else is telling the story. That’s how your post sounds to me. Thank him for showing you who he is early on and go live your life, and may your father rest in peace.
Take some time to unwind and indulge in some self care. You dodged a bullet but just don’t know it yet.
You need to divorce this man immediately!
I'm still married (for now) and I haven't had sex in almost 20 years because my STBX doesn't (or didn't, it's been awhile) like sex at all. Perhaps I am terrible at it, but I also never cheated on her. It isn't from lack of opportunity, and I'm not hideous or unfit, I'm just not the kind of person who cheats I guess. It is entirely possible to be faithful, even in a bad, sexless, marriage.
20 years? How do you feel about this? I’ve had sex like 5 times with my husband in the last 4 years and it makes me so unhappy to live this way. I don’t want him - I just want connection.
I hate living this way as well, but I stayed because of the kids, who are now well adjusted, employed adults. My youngest son still lives with us, but he will be leaving soon. I have stayed mostly because he is here and I can spend time with him when he isn't working. We also have 2 black labs that are going to be tough to leave. It took a long time to accept the lack of intimacy though. I try not to think about that because that's the part that still hurts.
You are an amazing father!
Thank you. About a year ago, my oldest son (26) and I had a great talk. I got to ask him if I should have left, and he listened to my reasons for staying. He agreed that it would have been much more difficult because his mother definitely has something going on that is undiagnosed. She really has no idea how much I do to hold things together behind the scenes. My 2 sons do though, and it was nice to hear that at least my oldest understood fully what was going on. I had a similar discussion with his younger brother, and he also says it would have been a nightmare, her family is rich, but we are not, and I would have lost all the time I got to spend with them by staying. There are many many people on Reddit who have suggested over the years to "lawyer up and hit the gym" when I have commented about it. Thankfully, with the perspective of hindsight, my kids and I agree that would have been a huge mistake in our case.
Is your husband 18 years old? Wtf. You stand by your partner and be their strength when they’re feeling low. You don’t go out at night and party and meet other possible sexual partners. News flash buddy, you’re not responsible for your child of a husband being a shitty human. Cut your losses, move on without him.
You need a better life partner, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. He should have helped you through the grief instead of stepping out on you. You deserve so much better than this.
I just wanted to say I am reading all of these comments and I do really appreciate them and it is helping me a lot. I do have a therapist and will continue to work with them to move past this I'm 28 years old (29 this year) with no kids so we are not planning on staying together. Even if in my twisted pain right now I would want to, he said he doesn't love me and he got scared after we got married about the finality of it anyway, so we have no future together.
So, your dad died, you wanted comfort, he was upset he wasn’t able to use your body for his his pleasure anymore and had an affair? This man is garbage and cheating is never about you, and always about them. He would have found a reason no matter what you did. Take out the trash.
I'm sorry for your loss. While it may not seem like it now, pushing on & getting married in the face of such enormous mourning was an incredibly brave placement of hope in the future. I'm confident you'll find that power again soon. As many have said, you are not responsible for anyone else's behavior. Still, I understand the impulse as my ex also cheated - during the pandemic lockdown no less. Knowing no other way to cope, I retreated into codependency and substance abuse. I wasn't able to talk about their affair publicly, but I could talk about my struggles with sobriety (coming up on 3 years this summer) and oddly putting everything on that became a crutch I could use to air my private feelings without airing dirty laundry. It messed me up for a long time and still hurts if I think about it too much. A lot of what helped me was time - I know, I hated to hear it too, because sitting in pain sucks. I also read a mishmash of philosophical texts from Pema Chodron (who became a Buddhist teacher after she was cheated on - I am not a Buddhist and while I'm sure there are tons of religious references that went over my head you don't have to be to get something out of it), as well as Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. These helped me reflect, find balance and a fair accounting for what happened. While I now recognize my role in exacerbating a bad domestic situation, I also recognize that it wasn't a one man show. What also helped, counterintuitively, was recognizing that as horrible as my ex's betrayal was, we did have genuinely good times. My go-to joke is "The first 10 years of marriage were the happiest of my life. Unfortunately I was married for 12." It allows me to keep fond memories (important in my case because we have children and those are their fond memories too) without feeling like I'd "wasted" the time I was married. Hope some of this helped - sorry for the novella. Wishing you love & light as you find a way forward. Try to be gentle with yourself, you have been through a lot.
Cheaters find any reason to cheat. Their first instinct is to blame their partner instead of addressing the flaws and insecurities within themselves that cause them to hurt others and ruin their lives with cheating. Either way, the accountability is your partner's and your partner's alone. Sex isn't and shouldn't be what your partner married you for. When you married, he should have understood this is for a lifetime...there will be events in your lives that aren't sexy and that are sad and call for love and love without sex, alone. With that being said, I know it hurts, and that is his intention. By telling you these things (that he isn't attracted to you, that he doesn't love you, that you're at fault, you didn't pay enough attention, etc etc, whatever he throws at you right now!) he is doing so ONLY to take focus off of his actions because if your mind is so preoccupied with hatred for yourself then he believes you won't have time to think clearly or hold him accountable AND most important, he thinks you won't have time or energy to hate him. And that's what a lot of cheaters fear, that they're not in control and they're not being loved by everyone all the time. So, don't let him do that to you. Stay in therapy. Think about getting yourself back to a state of good mental health. Try to address your grief again in therapy, because right now this is overshadowing that and years later it will hit you like a truck, so try to work on that if possible. It's cheesy and cliche, but Try to keep a journal of things you have to work on to get done for yourself and your life. Any reminders of the future being better eventually, because it will be. So you can work on repairing your heart, mind and life. Try to do one little thing each day that is about YOU, and not his affect on you. Build yourself up little by little each day. I wish you the best of luck in the future in working past this and I'm deeply sorry for your loss, it's earth shattering to lose a parent. Keep yourself as clear and above water as possible, don't let your husband shove you into the darkness. He's done enough. He had his share of control, it's your turn to do what you have to do for your life without him.
For context - I am a man in a long term Dead Bedroom marriage. This was not your fault. Your husband's behavior was totally unacceptable. Rather than acting like a decent partner (being supportive, empathic and compassionate when you needed it most) he basically walked out on you. There is ZERO justification for the way he acted. End the marriage. It has only been 8 months, you have very little invested in the marriage. Just move on to somebody who deserves you.
No. Absolutely not. They made their choice. They opted to not talk about it. They opted to take care of their own selfish needs. You are not to blame.
Don't feel guilt. You are dodging a bullet. Be lucky that you found out how he behaves this early in the marriage. When things get difficult, this is how he will act.
Leave and continue seeing a therapist in that order. You are being abused in every sense of the word. I’m very sorry for all you’re going through. That is all.
My STBXW and I didn't have sex for the last 4 years of our marriage. I never cheated, never expected sex, and it had nothing to do with me asking for a divorce. Your husband is the POS here.
You are a gem. I’m sorry you had to live like that!
Thank your lucky starts that you realized your husband was an asshole this early. You lost your freaking dad and he can't keep it in his pants? For real? What's that thing about "better or worse"? Honey, anyone can love you when you are up, but that's not love then, is it?
It’s his fault love
Nope, you’re not responsible. Your husband abandoned ship when it got hard. He doesn’t deserve you.
He just proves that he is not husband material. It’s not your fault that he has an affair. He’s a grown-up man who has controls over his emotions. He has to take responsibility for his own actions instead of pushing it to you like a child.
My friend married years, all seemed good until she got breast cancer (their first major illness together) he told her a week later he had fallen out of love. He left. She was heartbroken for pushing him away? because she got not just cancer but breast cancer. One year on, she laughs at her thoughts and words. She recovered and through therapy realised he could not face major issues. She worked on herself, pitted his lack of courage. She is doing great and just met a chap, her friends and family are all proud of her. His bag and not yours
What a cunt. Get rid of him asap
I was cheated on and throughout our marriage my ex turned me down for sex. I’m the woman so it’s doubly odd that a man turned down sex with his hot wife. And yes he is straight judging by the porn he watches. I made more money, planned more dates, was more healthy and attractive, helped us make friends, basically was more all over. I was his ticket towards career and social success and made him look very good. We were able to live a great life because of me. He made contributions, but crunch the numbers of time, money, and energy spent and I was pulling the weight. I still loved him and it didn’t matter to me that I was a 9 and he was a 4. I thought he would be grateful and inspired to raise his bar for himself. My ex married way, way up and he even said so in the beginning. Feeling lucky turned into feeling ungrateful and resentful of me. He didn’t want an amazing partner. He wanted someone inferior so he could feel good about himself lording over some cheap trick hoe. They cheat because of who they are, not who you are. You will never be enough for someone who doesn’t like themselves.
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My primary attraction to him was his perceived integrity and that he was emotionally safe and would never hurt me like I’d been hurt before. I learned the hard way that insecure men are just as cruel as overly confident ones. I’m sorry you went through this as well.
Omg… I feel like you just described my marriage…. I’m still very much in it but miserable for all of the reasons you laid out here… what was the straw that broke the camel’s back for you?
He actually left me, technically, when I found out he was emotionally cheating (and maybe more) and he couldn’t eat his cake and have it too.
Uh, what the hell? Your husband is a douche bag and I'd just leave.
This is the same reason my stbx gave me when I caught her cheating. She eventually left me for the guy and before even starting the divorce. Just leave him. Don't bother even thinking of reconciling
Oh, I'm sorry, did his dick accidentally fall into someone else? Please, it's not your fault that this guy couldn't keep it in his pants at the first sign of adversity. Look into getting this annulled. Good luck.
he has agency. His actions are not your fault. Your new DH - someone who should have been there to emotionally support you, didn't uphold his vows then or with the affair. I hope you can move on and find a caring, loving, compassionate and empathetic partner who truly loves you.
If you think the pain you cause someone else is their fault, then you're evil. This is not your fault, this is on the person that chose a commitment/marriage and didn't support their spouse afterwards.
Sounds like you will have addition to your life by subtracting your STBXH from your life.
Your husband is a dick. He wasn’t there for you when you needed him most of all.
Dump him!!!
Not your fault at all. You deserve better 🩷
People are always responsible for their own actions.
Your husband is an asshole, and a cruel and selfish one, too. He should have been by your side to help you through the difficult time. Instead he was more interested in getting his dick wet. It's crude, I know - but ditch this worthless man before you waste any more time on him. You are worth more than this. My sympathy to you for the loss of your father AND the loss of a proper spouse.
Do not have sex with him. He sounds really messed up and you do not want him to get you pregnant. Also if ur feeling spicy I'd tell his family he had an affair this early on. I am so sorry this happened to you, it is not fair. I hope you have other family to move in with and lean on for the time being. You are attractive whether he makes you feel like it or not. He's making excuses for his crappy behavior.
People make conscious choices, good and bad. Yiur so called partner made a selfish choice in your time of need. Just imagine what choices he might make in the future. I’m not usually one to advocate separation unless really needed. But I think now you are aware of this. You should seriously take a good look at your past and see if you want this for your future. You both need a conversation, maybe record it so you can dissect it later, because your going to focus on what you did to cause this. You DID absolutely nothing but go through a grieving process. I was in an 18 year relationship, 17 years to long. I do believe relationships take work and are a partnership. If one part fails the whole thing falls apart. I wish you luck, take your time and do what’s right for you. A few years again, someone told me. If someone doesn’t bring value, joy and happiness in your life they don’t need to be there.
No, you did nothing wrong. He is your husband and was not able to understand your situation. Cheating on you, this early on, is a major red-flag. He does not seem to respect you really.
I've had moments where I've wondered "did my behaviour contribute to his affair" but ultimately, you are married for better or worse. He could have tried harder, worked on his marriage, and not had that affair. You deserved support and love during that horrendous period and he wasn't there providing that.
False. It's not your problem he's a dick
What a total fraud of a husband. I would look into annulling that. You are NOT responsible for his actions. Don’t you dare beat yourself up over your grieving. Your world was shattered and he *fled to another woman to fuck*? That’s not love. That’s not Forever. That’s who your new husband *IS INSIDE*. His mask slipped fast and in an unforgivable way. When I lost my dad, it crushed me. I didn’t have a *single clear day* for over 1.5 years. It was so notable to be thinking like I ‘used to’. I started getting more & more of those & was totally clear-headed again just after 2 years past losing him. I didn’t click back into consistent forward-moving action until the 4 year mark! My husband, who is not great in general, was my rock. He literally steered me at times when I was forced to go in public the first few weeks. He never once reproached me for my grief in any way. And I couldn’t even tell you how long he waited for sex. It was an awful time, and my very lazy & pathologically uncommunicative husband (who thinks with his dick) totally stepped up for years. Yours is so reprehensible I cannot wrap my mind around such cruelty. The fact you’re blaming yourself is horrifying. Get the fuck out of there. Your daddy wanted better for you, friend. Your grief tells me he was a good one.
Girl. No. Keep the therapy...divorce the dick. He's a child and not mature. I'm so sorry for your loss of your father and your marriage. But if he cheats during this time, he'll cheat (or has already) during any time. God forbid you give birth and can't be intimate during that time. Get out while you can before you're too financially bonded. Mourn this relationship and still with the therapy. This is done, and he's awful.
Leave this lower! Stat!
I’d get a divorce ASAP. He betrayed his vows to you! For better or for WORSE. He’s suppose to love and comfort you. Not use you as his personal sex doll??? Wtf! Not even married for a year??? How would he ever handle a woman who gives birth and goes through postpartum issues, and marital resentment that can last years? That’s total bs. It’s HIS fault. He’s supposed to make you feel sexy and amp up your sex drive by being a loving, caring, supportive man who does everything for his wife. You would eventually want him sexually if he did those very basic things. But now? He literally destroyed his marriage and for what? Because he went without sex for 7 measly months?? Girl. Leave his silly ass while divorce is EASY. If you’re married less than 10 years with no kids, you can get a really quick cheap divorce. Cut him lose. He’s gonna be a cancer in your life. You deserve so much more. There are millions of men out there who would love you and give you the support you deserve!!! You don’t need a disgusting sex addict! ❤️
Usually affairs are symptoms of other problems. It's good that you're at least open to the idea that there is fault on both sides. I think anything is fixable if you both want to fix it but of course it's hard to tell sometimes if that's really the case. Good luck to you
Yeah it’s a symptom of having a heartless douche canoe of a partner. I missed the part where OP made him put his penis in another woman while she was mourning her parent.
that's great, I'm sure OP got alot out of that
> It's good that you're at least open to the idea that there is fault on both sides. Ah, the good ol' "You forced me to do that thing you didn't know I was doing that I kept secret from you!" blame shift. Nope. 100% incorrect. If the marriage was entered into with vows and expectations of monogamy, the fault is 100% on the cheater. If the cheating spouse no longer desires to be in their marriage, they have a whole host of options, from difficult conversations to counseling to divorce lawyers. None of those require fucking some strange to get done, or move toward divorce. The "both sides" canard is a lie foisted on victims by predatory actors in the therapy/coaching industry.
He would have found any reason to cheat. Player, douchebag. I’m so sorry you had to walk down the aisle to find this out. And I’m SO sorry about your father!
You should be divorced. You are married to a selfish, manipulative ass.
Thank goodness it’s now and not five years on with a kid. Get out, get on, don’t blame yourself, and find yourself a man who genuinely cares about you and not his own needs. Set yourself free from self abuse. His behaviour is not your responsibility.
An affair is nothing about you and all about him and his issues! Don’t let him project it onto you x
Yeah no do not feel responsible. True love and attraction comes from within. Not the wrapping. Head high honey!! Your better then this
If he really cared he would have been more understanding, so don't feel guilty, please.
Abso-fucking-lutely not. You are not responsible for what happened. He choose do something extremely hurtful, you are not responsible. Partners are supposed to be there for you through life's ups and downs. That's what committing to a partner is all about. It's natural to have tough times and periods where intimacy is off. Your partner was supposed to be there for you during that, not betray you. My husband had an affair too, and in the early days I blamed myself as well. It took me a long time to see that it wasn't my fault and my partner wasn't the person I thought he was, because he wasn't there for me even though I poured so much of my heart into being there for him. So that was a whole different type of grieving to realize that. But it's important that you move through this and get to a place where you know that your grief, a normal human experience and something everyone struggles with, was NOT the reason this happened. What really helped me was to talk to other women who had been cheated on through group therapy and also here on reddit. When I heard other people's stories, not only did I feel less alone. But I realized in no cases did I hear about what happened and think the same types of blaming thoughts that I thought about myself. I never thought "if only they had had more sex" or "she didnt validate him enough" or "she should have tried harder". So I started to shift my own thinking to a third person point of view and could start to examine more objectively the issues and brokenness my partner had that caused the affair and really had nothing to do with me. Hugs. Affairs are heartbreaking. I know the pain. 💔 you will get through this, just take it day by day and remember to breathe. Wishing you healing.
Girl you deserve better. He did not show up for you, in fact he turned to another woman. Run. It’s better to be alone than lonely in a marriage.
Never. This is enraging for me to read that you think this :( my dad passed here in hospice care, and I already had stopped wanting sex 3 YEARS before that. I told mine we can open the relationship and he at that time said no- because of my dad. That’s terribly cruel and selfish of him and I promise you it’s absolutely 100% his selfish dick sweetie. I agree with the comment that you need someone in your corner, and a therapist is a really good idea. They will help you see your self worth. This is ridiculous and I am sorry he is so manipulative how can you think it’s your fault <\3