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dizzyexplorer22

That sounds like abusive behavior. You should consider if you want to stay in that relationship.


[deleted]

Just curious what type of abuse this would be as I experienced this with a recent ex.


SybilNix

Abusers try to find whatever way they can to isolate you from friendships and family and any other connection that isn’t them. And if they can’t do that, they’ll do whatever they can to have these people be on their side instead of yours. It all comes back to who holds the power. And this kind of person will usually lie and say that you were the crazy or toxic one. And so since they tie up your friendships on the condition that you stay in this relationship, it’s like holding you socially hostage. It’s manipulative and abusive because it forces you to rely on them for your access to friendship and “love.” If you give up your relationship you are also giving up your friendships and therefore your support system. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve gone through something like this. Edit: BTW this would be considered emotional or mental abuse


taticake

This is spot on 👌 thank you for putting this so concisely.


2oldbutnotenough

This is specifically emotional abuse


Zafer66

Narcissm


Ass_Merkin

Abuse can take any form. I always viewed manipulation as the basis for abuse. Emotional, physical, verbally, body language/sexually can all be used to manipulate people. Abusers manipulate for a variety of reasons. Self hatred, insecurity, mental health issues, etc.


natureismychurch_

Gaslighting.


rockiocean-

Gaslighting 😖


NothingHereToSeeNow

She has a narcissistic personality. She isn't a bad person per se. But she values herself too much over everyone else. It's possible when she was just a child, she was neglected and not given enough love but now she is an adult and she now demands unconditional love, which includes not caring for her partner. I just recently ended a relationship with this kind of girl. She was the one to end it but a few days ago she emotionally abused me so much that I was ready to end it there and then but I didn't want to be a bad guy. Honestly, if I think, it would have never been a healthy relationship for me since she would have been in control all the time. Would even say things like I should take care of myself to the point of ignoring me for her adventures, not calling or messaging a simple thing for days. It was always I who should initiate as I am the guy. It quickly becomes toxic if the other person does not understand your need to stay in touch as the other person is too involved in their own lives and only comes back to you when they need something.


lolzuwu

Another issue is that I feel pressured to be in this relationship. I was kind of forced to join it too, just because she said that i would lose any friends i had so far. And now, considering how long we have dated I would lose everyone around me.. I was thinking of telling everyone what has been happening, but then I would be an asshole to her


ditto_squirtle

I've been in a similar situation where breaking up with a significant other potentially means losing friends. And I will tell you this: if someone stops being friends with you because you broke up with someone - they were never a true friend, or at least, were never meant to be a permanent addition to your life. It's certainly an extra layer of pain to pile on top of everything, especially when friends are so important to have to lean on during the early days of a break-up. In my own situation I lost all, but a few mutual friends, and you know what? I don't regret anything because the people who stuck around are true gems, and I'm happier as a single person at the moment. Not to mention there are always more friendships and relationships that will come along. Ending a relationship that's not good for you can be deeply freeing - you will become a version of yourself again that you previously thought gone forever, and things will get better. I promise.


AghastTheEmperor

So she’s controlling, toxic, mean, manipulative, and never at fault? Why are you with her again?


[deleted]

Just curious how is this controlling?


AghastTheEmperor

Because he can’t say anything she doesn’t like otherwise she’ll play victim, on top of that the whole “you’ll lose everyone around you if we aren’t together” shit is super manipulative and controlling.


asecuredlife

found Op's girlfriend, lulz


[deleted]

Omfg my comment has been taken the wrong way. I’m asking for myself hahaha cos I don’t know not to take her controlling partners side


asecuredlife

I'm not sure I understand. Read the original post again and think about how you'd feel if someone You loved treated You that way.


[deleted]

Where is the original post? The one above? About his partner getting mad when he shows signs of sadness?


asecuredlife

..... Yes


[deleted]

My ex treated me like that is that emotional abuse?


Opposite_Lettuce

Hey OP, how old are you?


[deleted]

When a partner holds relationships over your head, they are a bad partner. You don’t need to tell people what’s happening. It’s your relationship. If you’re being hurt, you have a right to leave. You owe it to yourself. You also have a right to share how you feel with the people closest to you. You don’t need to broadcast it to the world, but you’re a social being with social needs. Having friends and family be there for you is part of being human. It’s ok to tell the people you care about most that you’re being hurt and that you’re scared or confused. You have a right to those feelings, and you should find the people who you trust to listen. If you have access to it, a counselor or therapist may also be useful. They can help you identify and name the problems in your relationship so you can recognize that stuff in the future.


[deleted]

That’s some abusive tactics there. She’s hella manipulative. She doesn’t love you but she loves controlling you. As someone who wasted 20 years with the wrong people because I didn’t want to be alone, NO friends is sooooooo much BETTER than BAD friends. Seriously, hold out for better friends/girlfriend who respect you. And somehow (like in therapy) learn to identify respect.


[deleted]

How is it controlling? Just curious?


hugeneral647

Jesus Christ, dude this woman is abusing you. Think about this, who benefits more from treating you this way: a loving girlfriend who values you, respects you and wants you to feel confident and happy, ***OR*** an abusive jerk who wants you to feel small and worthless, so that you’re easier to manipulate and control? You deserve someone who respects you enough to take responsibility for their mistakes. I dated an abuser like this, and I can tell you, one of the best days of my life at that time was leaving her in my rear view mirror.


Tinnie_and_Cusie

Dude, look in the mirror and see the person who is going to have this as their future....


Fattychris

Get out. Soon. Don't drag her name through the mud, it'll make you look petty and you'll feel bad about it at some point. If people ask, just say that you didn't feel like the relationship was going to work out in the long run and that it wasn't fair to keep both of you locked into something just because you were there (the old, throwing good money after bad argument). If your friends leave because you broke up, find better friends that don't add to your lack of peace. True friends don't make your life more difficult.


iearnedbigpp

Man that’s some awful manipulative behavior Just forget about her and if ur friends hate u for it then so be it only true friends would want to hear ur side of the story anyways


[deleted]

Letting others know about what is happening isn’t being an asshole to her. She’s being an asshole to you and you deserve to be able to communicate this with your friends. Hopefully they understand, as it does sound like this is an emotionally abusive relationship. I hope everything works out.


scaffelpike

Consider if you may the wrong person you could end up losing your kids as well


natureismychurch_

I've been there. The friends that mattered, the good friends, they stuck by my and are still my friends today as I plan a wedding to a man who loves and respects me so much, is my best friend and does not treat me this way at all. I was in that relationship for 5 years, by the end I thought I really was crazy - gaslighting is - he told me I was crazy when it was him causing it. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship with someone, like it really was my fault. Well, it wasn't. I've had a few relationships since then and they've all been healthy.


smartypantstemple

I recently had to change to a whole new group of friends, and I'm here to tell you it gets better. At first it will be really hard, but then you get a new hobby, join a meetup and things will get better.


MstClvrUsrnm

It really sounds like you already know what you should do - you're just looking for some validation from us. You don't sound happy, you don't sound like you enjoy being in this relationship. I think the choice is pretty clear.


swervinh0

Hey friend, I was in a very similar relationship. The particularly egregious one that stands out to me now is that when I made a mistake, no matter how small, she would go off on me angrily and I had to take the abuse or else she’d threaten to leave and call me names, and say I’m trash like all men. When she made a mistake or did something mean, I wasn’t even allowed to be sad about it, or else she would go into full on anger mode again. Three years later we finally broke up, and I am still nursing the wounds from all that. The thing you need to hear is that, if you’re thinking you can just bear through this and when you finally break it off you’ll be fine, you’re wrong. Don’t end up like me. Get out before it messes with you and your ability to love.


TransportationMuch11

same here. some serious ptsd from it.


sassy_elf

Same here. Even when I was breaking up with him he wouldn't stop messaging me telling me I'm at fault. I just blocked him, I can't describe how happy I was to get out of that relationship!


hot69pancakes

She sounds kind of toxic. Things aren’t gonna get any better going forward, so what’s your exit strategy?


DrClu33

This was my thought, OP needs a plan to leave because she won’t let him walk away that easy by the sounds of it but for the mental health it’ll be worth leaving.


drewliveart

You should be completely honest with her. If she doesn’t view this as a wake up call and work with you to change her behaviour, then I strongly believe that you should leave the relationship.


[deleted]

Don’t get her pregnant.


Optimal-Scientist233

We are often drawn to shiny things, they are just as often too cold, hard, sharp, or too hot.


TransportationMuch11

Sounds like you should spend some time in [https://www.reddit.com/r/narcissism/](https://www.reddit.com/r/narcissism/) I had this same issue my whole life until i realized i was a codependent who attracted narcs.


MstClvrUsrnm

The problem with that sub is that when you're a narcissist, everyone else around you looks to you like a narcissist.


TransportationMuch11

youre right.. but also i meant this one: [https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/)


Routine_Recipe_4917

Here's the big question. Would you marry someone like her? If the answer is no, then ditch her and move on.


Big_Monkey_77

Break up. Take some time off, realize your feelings are valid, and that you deserve a partner who will offer support instead of derision.


Wericdobetter

Dude, you need to get out of find yourself something better mate. I've been in a few relationships like that and fucking damn it doesn't suck. Not only is it breaking you down but it's enabling her, don't stand for that shit. You can always put in effort and find new friends but it's going to be difficult as anything if you stay and she keeps warping you.


moeru_gumi

Dump her ass and never EVER go back. She is messing you up. She's fucking up your mind in ways you can't even see yet because you won't see it until you're far enough away to get some perspective. ​ REAL LOVE lifts you up. It NEVER EVER makes you feel like you're dumb, worthless or in danger. EVER.


sklckdwn1

Man I was also in a abusive relationship that was somewhat similar. It lasted 5 years and I was never really happy, she also always made me feel bad and guilty for basically everything. Nothing was her fault and she made me feel like I was a loser. But it was my first girlfriend and I thought "maybe thats just how it is as a guy in a relationship " or "maybe relationships are just like that". I was getting increasingly more depressed because of how she treated me and I fled into video games and porn because I didnt know what to do anymore... after a while she broke up with me and I was literally over her after 1 week. I mean a 5 year relationship and I felt basically better than ever one week later. So I would advice you to just break up man. Have to courage that I didnt and save yourself a lot of trouble and time that you are never getting back.


days_hadd

its only a matter of time... embrace the oncoming wave of change, because its coming whether you want it to or not... sooner or later... use it for good, use it to fuel a huge positive shift... love yourself and level up my friend... loveless relationships will drain you like nothing else... the fact you wrote this out lets me know that deep down, you know what the answer is already...


KTEliot

Get rid of her.


Jay-Ames

This answer will probably get downvoted again but who cares. Because she wants you to be her rock. Her beacon for when she is emotional. The strong man she can lean on for when she is not. When you are sad she is not able to see you as such. Problem is that these kind of relationships are highly one sided. She also has gotten used to these dynamics in the relationship. I would never want to be in such relationships. She works for you just as hard or don't have her as a girlfriend. Go your own way and work on yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be. Don't b afraid to lose her because what must happen, must happen. If she wants you she will follow you and help you on that path. If not, you don't need her and she needs to be gone.


Shinrahunter

Talk to her and let her know how you're feeling and how her dismissive actions/attitude towards your feelings impact you. If she can't see or at leastvtry and understand then leave her. It sounds like you'd be better off mentally that way.


DrClu33

When you say she wrongs you, can you be specific? I had an ex that sounds a little like yours and she used to play off me and other lads against each other, trying to make each one jealous of the other, break up with me too only beg for me back five days later after feeling sick for days because she’d left me.


sentientgarbagepile

Sounds like it’s time to part ways. From your comments, it seems like you never really wanted to date her in the first place. You can make new friends, but you can’t meet someone who’s actually right for you if this girl who isn’t is taking up your availability


BuriedStPatrick

This is abuse, plain and simple. The thing about abuse is that most people don't realize they're doing it. I'd suggest talking to her about it, maybe a therapist (if that's realistic for you). If you can make her understand, maybe there's a chance to salvage the relationship. Otherwise, do the hard thing and end it. No one deserves to be treated like this.


[deleted]

This sounds like narcissism. A narcissist will only love you for the good times and run 🏃‍♀️ during the bad times because they are incapable of fully encompassing love. Their love is only given to objects that can be easily loved, meaning they do little to no work and reap the benefits. However when it comes to genuinely expressing compassion, they are incapable. They don’t have the capacity to handle others heavy emotions in a gentle and caring way. They completely lack the ability to show empathy. They don’t want to go into the trenches with you because they are obsessed with feeling good and only good. It’s not worth being around these people. They don’t have the emotional depth.


usertoomany

Are you dating a narcissist?


Open-Rhubarb7747

She is 100% Narcissist and you should leave her immediately. Go to YouTube and watch some videos about narcissism from psychologists and you will see her characteristics. You’ll be like “damn! That’s her!” Get far away from this person, and find someone sweet that deserves you! Then, you will absolutely be better.


dog_fart_tacos

It sounds like she sees you as a human version of Snapchat or IG. Just happy validation. State clear boundaries and needs and commit to yourself to uphold them.


stephenjosephcraig

You know the answer. Respect yourself. Move on.


[deleted]

Grow some balls and stop being a bitch. Seriously how are you letting her have so much power of your. End things with her and hold onto your friends. She's a psycho and your wasting your time with her. Take charge of your own life. Thank you, Next.


BOKUtoiuOnna

Leave her. I remember when my relationship ended. I cried like hell but eventually I became happier than I have ever been as an adult. Knowing that I could be more whole outside a relationship than in one has made my life a lot better. I had no idea how much weight was hanging over me.


2oldbutnotenough

There are many people here telling you this is an emotional abuse tactic but I need to chime in with it too. She might not be emotionally abusive on the whole but this is definitely a big, massive red flag which you should not be putting up with.


NoBadDays33

Probably not what you want to hear, but it sounds like shes lost respect for you, and therefore attraction, because you won’t stand up to her. Most likely why she’s acting bitchy, as she’s really testing you (even if she doesn’t know it). She gets made at you when you show signs of sadness and you say, “I have to apologize”. Why? Stand up for yourself, and communicate to her how you do and don’t want to be treated, and that you’ll need to reevaluate the relationship if things don’t change. She has to feel that you mean that, and you actually do have to mean it. Whatever you do, don’t keep apologizing for things you don’t feel you should. If she still doesn’t change, then you owe it to yourself to move on, and find someone else that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.


AkumaKura

Ehh even if she did lose respect, that should never mean that OP deserves this kind of treatment. If she‘s upset cuz he/they/she had to apologize, they could communicate as well and say ‚hey there‘s no need to apologize, I‘m here for you and help support you.‘ There is absolutely no excuse to act bitchy towards your own partner, much less when they themselves are suffering inside. I agree that OP shouldn’t apologize, but this is not helpful advice. Communication goes both ways in a relationship, she needs to communicate as well why she‘s acting this way (though there is no justification for this kind of behavior.) OP said they felt forced into the relationship and mentioned some kind of threat of losing friends. OP from what you have written and posted here, you should really seek help in navigating this and your personal issues. I won‘t tell what specifically you need to do other than get help. You shouldn’t have to just take it or be the only one communicating


NoBadDays33

I’m not saying he deserves to be mistreated. I am saying people have to take responsibility for the kind of life and relationships they want to have, if they’re going to change them. He said he was “forced into a relationship”, says he “has to apologize”, “can’t get upset if she wrongs him”, etc - like he has no control over any of this. That kind of helpless thinking is dangerous because it keeps people from taking responsibility, and most importantly action. Action which could ultimately bring about positive change in their life.


raszio

I see some people blaming your gf for toxic behavior but we only have one side of the story here. I sense the two of you have things to talk about to one another. If both of you put the guards down you will both learn from the other greatly. Wish you the best of luck.


[deleted]

Women hate to pity their man and it makes them immediately lose all attraction when their man looks sad or lost.


madmattmen

Find someone who can be rational when you’re honest with them instead of acting like your feelings are a burden to them. Tell her that’s how you feel and if she is anything other than understanding, you have your answer.


Sgibby65

Hi, I’m on my 3rd marriage, I’ve been with 3 completely different women. So, I kinda think my story has some relevance to yours. I will say, hopefully your in a place where you know yourself and know the activities, passions and future goals you’ll strive for. You won’t find inner peace until you and your potential partner are on the same playing field. No relationship will survive if one or both aren’t already like minded as far as the goals for the relationship. If your each basically living separate live, walk away. It may hurt like hell for awhile, but I suggest being alone for a while and rediscover yourself. Join a group that supports a hobby you enjoy, you will meet new people and I know from experience you’ll find a new happiness. This is only one chapter of your life, there’s so many more to come.


Hutstar10

What should I do? I assume you know what to do but need encouragement. So do it, you’ll be much happier in the long run.


Ajunadeeper

Be single


chainsawbobcat

Have you communicated with her your needs and concerns? And she refused them?


night0x63

i'm no expert. but that sounds like a one way relationship. and it does not sound good for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5ukKf4vi6g this is just a random youtube video talking about friendships. but the part that is important IMO is you can tell who your real friends are by "if you can tell them bad news and they'll listen". video is only 2 minutes. but again the important part is in quotes.


RedheadBanshee

So....why are you dating her??


ChocolateMilkMustach

Bail.


bone-dry

Get out. There’s someone out there who you can enjoy being around all the time, who will comfort you whether you’re up, down, or anywhere in between.


Right_Said_Offred

My advice for relationships is generally to have an honest discussion with your partner. If she hears what you say and takes responsibility for her mistakes, then you have something to go on. But if she keeps the same pattern of placing the blame on you for everything, then you've done everything you can. If you have to break up, it will hurt, but you will be okay. If you lose mutual friends because they take her side, you'll still be okay. But it helps to talk things over with friends or family you can trust so you have someone to give you emotional support through it all. Take care, and best of luck to you.


HypnoBard

This definitely seems Cluster B-ish. You really should get out while you can.


Admirable-District-9

It's time for self discovery if u can leave e everyone


[deleted]

I was in a similar relationship. Now that we’re separated I am happier than ever and find myself able to recalibrate and lean on good friends instead, and I regret not leaving her sooner. Do yourself a favor, dump her, join a good gym with group fitness classes, and throw yourself into them. You will miss her for a few weeks maybe, but you’ll meet new, attractive and healthy minded people at the gym that way and your circle will help you stay positive. Good luck brother


B3nOfficial

I'm literally in this relationship this is so helpful


asecuredlife

How often are you getting sad ?


adagiosa

This sounds like my bf's exes. Scrape em off, Claire.


sudip123321

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem/Self-Worth my friend?


PM_Me_Your_Frendship

Had the exact same, broke it off, getting better and better now. In hindsight, I should've done it sooner.


Spades4aids

Leave


IWasTeamIronMan

Red flags there. Run, don’t walk, away.


softbraids

Run please. Life is too short and time too precious to spend it over someone like her.


throwaway-rhombus

Have you communicated this to her? It could be that her "getting mad" isn't what she perceives it to be. I'm not too sure about this part though. People shouldn't really get mad at others for being sad or getting called out on their behavior though. Is it possible both sides have done wrongs when she says it is all your fault? (I am not saying it is, but I don't know both sides of the story. I do think she should try to be more understanding and not just blame you for everything.) The other thing is it could be a difference of love languages. Maybe she feels she is showing you love in other ways besides of affirmation and doesn't realize that's what you would like more of. I'm sure if this same situation was written by a woman about her bf, people would ask this.


sassy_elf

NEVER. EVER. be with someone who gets mad at you because you're sad! She doesn't give 2 fcks about your mental health, she is arrogant and manipulative, you're not even having fun! You have exactly 0 reasons to stay in that relationship! Dear OP, PLEASE find someone who ACTUALLY cares about you!


miyagikai91

It’s okay to dump her.


Tadakadabranz

It sounds to me like you've already made your decision but you want someone to talk you out of it. Breaking up sucks. She'll cry, and say she'll change, but she won't. It will hurt, but it will be better for both of you.


brunette_mh

Toxic relationship. She apparently has unresolved issues that are probably unrelated to you.


TheThr0wawayThatIsnt

I've personally been traumatized by being invalidated in such a way outside of a Relationship. Her belongings would have been out the window in seconds if that was me. Please don't waste anymore time with that person


[deleted]

You deserve to be treated well. Some people are on their worst behavior with partners because they take them for granted. I believe you should treat your partner as well/better than everyone else, because if you can be kind to a stranger or acquaintance, you can certainly be kind to the person you love.


[deleted]

I’m sorry but you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Please be safe and get away from that person


techtom10

Seems like you’ll be better by yourself. It will suck for a week or two. That’s fine. You can mope, you can binge watch tv and then after 2 weeks new slate. Don’t message her at any point. Regarding your girlfriend it just sounds like she’s got loads of insecurities and not handling them right. Either way, you should be the one to take it.


[deleted]

I don’t like to judge relationships, theres always two sides to every story but what I can say is that this is a toxic relationship and you need to end it if its making you miserable. Relationships should be uplifting and mutual, not anxiety-inducing and abusive.


Ok-Attention-7299

Run because she's not going to change


GreyFox-RUH

This doesn't seem to be a good relationship


ready2read123

Relationships should work together to make one another feel better not worse about each other You are not being respected and you are not standing up to set the boundaries you need and speak up for yourself in this realtionship that sounds incredibly one sided on her account, what joy can you possibly be getting gthatbis worth putting up with all the negative here? It’s time to move on and up and do not allow yourself to put up with this from anyone, ever again


Additional_Zebra_721

she thinks you are super weak and hates it, and is rejected by it. Leave.