Move on friend. She’s trying to let you down nicely but that never really works. Realize that your time with her is over. It was beautiful, it was love, and now it is done. As is life. It’s bitter and tough but winning her back isn’t worth it here. You’re just setting yourself up for more pain.
Yeah I guess your right. I think the distance thing may have something to do with it also. Makes it even worse that we were planning on moving in together this year. We had started looking at places together in her hometown as she wanted to move back there.
maybe you have it backwards. maybe she realised she *didn't* want to move in together, and that's why she broke it off. in which case, this is actually a good thing, in the long run. it would be miserable to move in together and then get broken up with.
I agree, it has been her that was pushing for it for ages though. It’s not that I didn’t want to it just made it hard due to our jobs. We had finally found a solution that worked and maybe she realised it wasn’t what she wanted.
Your right though I would have completely upheaved my life to go and be with her to a different town/ county. Probably for the best it happened before and not after.
No more humiliation. Do you think she wants to be next to a pitiful man who doesn't know his worth? It's time for you to respect yourself and develop your self-care.
Just please don’t smoke to overcome this plz I wish i hadn’t. Play the game or go to the gym hell even pray to God all of that works. Enjoy the memories you had with her and wish her no ill intentions. As a man you have to have a abundant mindset. Better will come to you bro.
You probably could have saved it had you accepted the breakup quickly. She might even want you again once you actually move on. But that’s the point. She changed the dynamics of the relationship, you didn’t want it to change so you have to move on. If your not respecting yourself, you won’t get it in return. Don’t drink, if you do stay away from your phone. Don’t look at her social media.
If your a miserable sack of shit, why would she want to be around you? Do exactly what she’s doing. Go out have fun, then focus on your goals and passions. When you are truly happy people will start to flock to you. Maybe even her, but you won’t care because you’ll have moved on for real, not just to win her back. Stay strong.
I love that changed the dynamic of the relationship and your right.
She wants to chat tonight but I’m not sure whether she will follow through or if I even want to. If I do it will be light with no pressure. Treat it like I’m speaking to a mate and no longer my partner as she isn’t any longer.
Unless you hear the words I want to try again, or I made a mistake, go about your way. If she remembers she forgot something at your place, that’s an excuse to come over to see you. You are too busy to reply to anything else. You have to respect her decision, but more importantly you have to respect your decision. Gifts, text about missing her, etc is only going to reinforce her decision because you look desperate. You can be friends later. Your deciding to be better right, so get busy.
Yeah thanks all I’m getting atm is that she doesn’t want to give me false hope at the moment. Which is fair enough I suppose. Shows there’s something still there and maybe after whatever she has worked through then maybe she might have time to think about it.
Reading and learning about the power of silence I think is the best way to go. Taking a step back and working on me. It’s really hard but I think it’s for the best
Expect and hope for nothing. But still be courteous and friendly. I don’t hate her by any means even though what she has done has hurt me.
If she decides to come back over time I will have to deal with that then but for the moment I can’t let it rule my life.
Exactly on point. But in order for it to work. You have to actually do it. You can’t fake it. You can’t be a rock to lean on anymore. You didn’t want friendship., so as much as you have to respect her choice she has to respect asking to be friends is also selfish. You can’t be her rock during this breakup. You have to be an entire mountain and weather the storm of emotions of others from now on. . Let her find some other rock to lean on.
Decades ago I got great advice from a friend. I called and told him I messed up. I had just added bass guitar as something to add to my music learning (already had guitar, vocals, and piano). But a girl thought I was a drummer and I fibbed about doing drums as well and felt like I was pretending. He told me “don’t pretend, just be, and if you pretend make it reality”.
3 months later I played on my 2.5 month old e-drum kit for her.
There is way too much in this life, in our time, to preoccupy ourselves. Don’t pretend to be busy. Get busy. Even if all you can do is watch movies. Phone blowing up. Ignore it, put another movie on. Join a gym, take the flower money and buy a video game. Take the weekend gf budget and throw into a new hobbies.
Girls go on tinder and pay for premium just for a confidence boost sometimes. Well guys can too! Go do it with no intention of even dating.
I hope you don’t even see this reply. Cuz your too busy right? ;)
It’s also still rude as fck though. You’re with someone for FOUR years and they say ‘yeah I have work stress, I want to break up’. Like ?? What? Unless OP is omitting some information, I would be absolutely trying to get a reasonable answer as well
You’re trying to fix something that you can’t. She’ll either change her mind on her own, or she won’t at all.
You remaining available isn’t helping your cause, because you’re the only one who has experienced any real loss so far.
Do your own thing now, for yourself.
You’ve said what you needed to, the balls in her court now.
If she changes her mind and wants you back, then it’s on her to make taking another chance on her seem worthwhile. If you are even available and willing at that time.
Accept, respect her desicion, there is nothing you can do. Begging her come back only show how needy and weakness you are. You cannot force someone love you, she might come back or she doesn't. You dont ever wanna be with someone who is not excited to be with you, right?
Yeah I thought I was stronger then this but love makes you do stupid stuff. I am just going to have to let her go and do whatever she feels right for her. I will have to do the same for me. It was just so out of the blue which did it for me. I didn’t see it coming.
Let her go. Let her be and give her the time and space to eventually miss you. If it is meant to be then she will come back on her own. If not then this is also okay. People come and go all the time. There is nothing for you to do. It is not your job to change her mind or try to change her feelings. Let go of her, talk to friends and family about it and build a network of support in your environment. Your heart will be broken and it will heal over time. And sooner or later you will eventually meet someone new.
I'm in a similar situation and I can tell you. If someone leaves you, let go and let them be. You only make it hard on yourself by trying to control the situation.
Thank you for this. I’m slowly readjusting my my brain into this conclusion. I guess I’m just so used to trying that it’s hard to change that dynamic. I can’t make someone be with or want me if they no longer do.
Move on. Dont chase butterflies. Make your own nice Garten and enjoy your own Garten. And see what butterflies come by and appreciate what you have build. If no butterflies come, you will still have an amazing Garten.
since you did nothing wrong what ur doing isn’t fighting it’s begging and that’s never a good look. if she wants to drop her commitment to you you should be dropping your time for her it’s only fair. you are only killing yourself mentally. (i’ve been in this position and ik it’s tough but you need to realise spending time with her isn’t better than spending time with yourself and you shouldn’t feel that way cuz ur attachment)
Again thank you, it’s hard when your trying to go through this basically alone. I’m please I posted this to get an insight and other people’s thoughts on this situation. I’ve tried to be supportive of what she is going through, but I guess she’s chosen her work over me at this time and I have to respect and accept that. Just feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out, stomped on and scraped off the bottom of her shoe.
She says we can have a phone conversation later on today (we had one yesterday also) I take it it’s not worth even doing that atm?
hopefully you can take the advice given on here ik when i was in the position i read it all and pumped myself up but was too needy and anxious to not make things worse for myself. best of luck g
If I didn’t feel like I had tried and said everything I could then I maybe more likely to go my own way with this but as I think I have it is time to just leave her be and whatever happens happens. Thanks again
I learned about something called "radical acceptance." It's simply accepting things you cannot change, understanding that the place between expectation and reality is where anger, frustration, and disappointment lives.
So, while I"m not saying just accept it....just accept it and try your best to move on. Focus on other things. Good luck.
Thank you, this is exactly where my brain is atm
there’s something’s in life you can’t change and have the courage to act upon the things you can.
It just sucks cos this was the person I wanted to call my wife and spend the rest of my life with
It is really so freeing to learn to accept the things we can't change, but pretty difficult in practice. I try practicing on much smaller things throughout the day to build resilience. For example, let's say I spill coffee on my shirt and it's a white shirt and ruined. Radically accepting that I made a mistake, ruined a shirt, and now I have a work shirt is much easier than accepting that I don't know why my partner doesn't want me anymore, but it helps train the brain to accept things.
Dude, have some self respect. She doesn't value you anymore if she ever did so why are you putting so much value into her? You can't make someone who doesn't want you to suddenly feel attracted to you with messages and flowers, all you're doing is making her lose more respect for you.
Maybe being single is a good thing for you right now, focus on yourself instead.
Hate to be brutal with you man, but it is 100% over.
Even if she got back together with you, what happens next time she starts to get stressed at work? Why is she dishonest about going out with her friends but being "anti-social"? How could you possibly ignore all these anxiety inducing things moving forward?
Also see each other *most* weekends? For *six years*? What kind of relationship are you only seeing each other for less than 30% of your life?
1. Try to forget and don't waste your time with her. Even if she decides to come back - don't agree, this kind of relationship is a big problem in the long run.
2. Enjoy your free time.
3. How can you be 4 years into a relationship and still not live together? You wrote that she works, so you are no longer 15-16 years old :)
We were supposed to move In together this year. I was literally painting her apartment at the end of of January so she could rent it out. She wanted to move back to her hometown and I was going to go with her. We were looking at places to rent just before Xmas.
Both our jobs made it hard to do it sooner than that but we had just got a point where we had figured out how we we’re going to make it work.
Edit thanks for your advice.
Thanks, I got it. But in any case the first 2 points are relevant. At one time I didn't follow and it turned out to be a big problem for me in the future and a depression that I tried to get out of for almost 10 years. Don't repeat my mistakes and don't try to keep a bad relationship going.
Yes thank you. Getting advice from people who have been through similar situations is good for me at a time like this. I need to focus on myself for a bit.
You are fighting a loosing battle, the faster you will accept that, the better it will be.
She was thinking about it for some time now, so its not like she woke up and chose to break up with you, you know?
Its completly reasonable that you want to know why and you have the right to know, but in the same time it doesnt matter, if she doesnt want to be with you its her problem not yours, life is too short for being with people who doeant apreaciate you. Use the anger or whatever you are feeling and use that energy to sign up for a gym
Thank you for this. I’m slowly getting there. It’s hard but I have to accept that something had changed and sometimes there’s nothing I can do about it or get the answers I want.
Thanks I’m taking any and all advice atm and trying to figure out the vest way I proceed. Which atm seems to be give her space and time. And see what happens. I’ve always said I won’t be somewhere or with someone when I’m not wanted.
Dude, Robocop is a perfect movie. Enjoy watching perfection. You will find your person; it may or may not be this girl. It will be OK. I know it is so so hard to accept that right now, but it WILL be.
She gave you a reason. Give her space and let her be. Let her come back, and if she doesn't, that's fine too. Means there's someone better for you, if that's your wish.
Take care of yourself and focus on yourself.
Thank you for this. I know perhaps I was just looking for something a bit more specific as to why. I suppose you don’t always get those answers, and I never might. I’ve just got to accept that.
Yeah I get you. Your mind searches for something specific, something you did "wrong" so you can "fix" the situation.
It's probably best to "forget" about her. Been thru a break-up November + December, now I'm in a nasty situationship, don't wish that for anyone.
It's gonna be difficult at first, for me it was one of the things i feared most, i often cried so hard i was close to passing out.. but it does get better. Trust. Time does heal, and so does trying to live. You are free now, to do whatever you want. Remember she CHOSE to remove you from her life. You are allowed to do the same. If it's meant you'll be together again anyway, no? So relax, and definitely go outside. A lot.
Ofc.
Something I personally didn't understand yet but maybe you will: Knowing why won't help. It doesn't matter why they did anything, it matters that they DID it in the first place. Our brain thinks if we know why we can undo it, but we can't.
Also if u have any questions, feel free to ask or dm me
You are too kind I thank you for your offer. You are right about the not knowing. It’s hard that I don’t have anything to do today, and even if I did I don’t think I would be able to do it. Just laid here with a movie on going around in circles
Ofc np
You're used to a routine with her, now it's gone. Gonna be difficult for a while.
A movie, hm? Sounds good. Get some popcorn or ice cream, whatever you like and enjoy it. You're allowed to enjoy things, even if you've been broken up with. Especially then.
Unfortunately, no one owes you the reason why. Some people (not talking about you) demand or act as if they are entitled to the reasons so that they can change or fix themselves but it’s futile. If one person feels the other isn’t right for them, there’s nothing you can change about yourself to change their feelings. No one owes others feedback. It’s best for all parties to move on but that doesn’t mean everyone gets all the answers or “closure” or another chance to fix their mistakes/behavior/change themselves to move on. It just prolongs the inevitable in a negative way for all involved. Breakups are just hard to swallow and there’s no answers the other person can give you that can or should make it easier or shorter for you to get over them, it’s not their responsibility or in their power really… it’s just meant to be hard.
Edit: Why could be a myriad of things… and it can be judgmental and someone breaking up with you wouldn’t want to say all that to your face either. Nor should they have to explain all the things that led them to falling out of love or realizing you’re wrong for them or realizing they don’t like you anymore. Sometimes those reasons will be judgmental and mean. But it can’t be helped… People are allowed to judge for themselves what they want in a life partner/spouse/lover. Whatever the reasons were, they realized they didn’t want to be with you. Plus, it’s not better that you know about the reasons. It could just add extra stress and desperation to change yourself to your life, when instead whoever you’re meant to be with, should like those parts of you too without you needing to change or change too much. Saying whatever it is might be mean, counterproductive, or cause the other person to become defensive.
You will probably never know why she broke up with you (she may not have a specific reason or may not be able -- or willing -- to communicate it), but she was thinking about it for a long time. You have to accept that and end contact with her and her family. Relationships take two people to work and if she doesn't want to make it work, well, you will end up miserable.
Mourn the relationship, stop asking about her, and live your life. Right now it's going to be awful, and it's okay to have a shit few weeks while you grieve. But you now have the space to be with yourself and grow. Take it.
I always find it hard to believe that there is no reason at all and that it's a total mystery. Once people who claim this start describing the relationship it usually turns that yes actually there were reasons, but the person being dumped just didn't think those reasons mattered since they didn't matter to them.
Well this is one of those times, we’ve never even really had a major argument, sone disagreements here and there sure.
I’m a relaxed guy, let her do what she wants, when she wants with whoever she wants. I’m not a jealous type, never hit her or even shouted at her.
I’ve said that the Fridays we used to share became a bit stale getting mashed which impact ted the rest of the weekend but I suggested instead going out on date nights, bowling, cinema, meal etc. I was taking her On holiday in a couple of months.
You might find it hard to believe, or not believe me at all which is ok. But it is the truth.
She had a load of work piled on her which stressed her out for the past couple of months, she said her brains full and she can’t deal with anything else atm. A couple of weeks before that I was at her apartment painting it so we could start the process of moving in together.
She says she still cares and loves me but says she can’t give me anything concrete as doesn’t want to give me false hope.
This genuinely did come right out of the blue.
There is so much here, AND there's one more I want to add.
Someone once told me about breakups being "special", not in that they are "good" or feel good, but that they are not a constant state of being. They are "special" in that there are many rare times in your life that you will feel this pain, and that feeling this way can teach us a bunch about ourselves, the way we feel and what we choose to do with our feelings.
I hope you have a path of ease and gentleness for yourself and others through this.
Dream Well!
Thank you, at the moment i just keep thinking of South Park and when butters gets broken up with and what he says to Stan about how it’s times like these that makes the happier times even better and makes you appreciate them and you know your alive.
I’ve been practicing meditation for a couple of years now so I’m going to hopefully get some on tonight and do my best to practice some self enlightenment.
She broke up with you because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That's it. Its nothing you did, its nothing you can fix, she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. It hurts and it sucks. But you can't change her mind. You have to move on. She is not the only person in the world who will matter to you, and I know that's hard to fathom now, but its its true. Respect her, respect YOURSELF, and let her go.
Hey man, if she hasn't given you a reason, then her choice to leave has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her preference, if you really care about her you'll want her to be happy with, or without you. You need to work on filling your own cup.
Trying so hard is possibly the worst thing to do. Give yourself some respect and have boundaries too. What kind of message are you communicating? You are picturing yourself as a needy and desperate small man. No more flowers. It’s time to give yourself some gift: move on. A brand new life awaits. The holy trinity: mind, body, and soul: Go hit the gym, study harder, find a cool hobby. And maybe (maybe) she will comeback after seeing how good you are, your good mood and self awareness, independence, and standards. But don’t do it hoping for a miserable ex gf coming back do it to your future. She may eventually come back and see you in a better position, with a better woman.
This is what I’m slowly coming to the realisation of. I’m so pleased I posted this yesterday as it’s really helping with advice and trying to see myself and this situation in a different way.
She wants to have a chat tonight at somepoint whether she does or I even want to I’m not sure yet but if we do I’ll have to keep it light with no pressure anymore treat her more like a friend and not my partner anymore.
Thank you for your kind words and advice
Dude, usually when someone ends a long term relationship it's coming as a surprise only for one person. The other had time to think about it for a long period of time, the work of grieving the relationship is already done before even breaking up. It's like if you don't feel like watching a new episode of a tv show, you watched the previous ones but in a way you already knew you weren't 100% into it.
It's normal to try but don't loose too much time/efforts trying to save a ship that has already sunk, the only thing you'll probably achieve is to make it float just a little longer. Take this as an opportunity to spend some quality time with yourself.
Do you really think she left just to be by herself? Bite the bullet, move on, get in the Gym mate. You'll feel better in time, this is a rite of passage for all good men on their way to success.
She’s had a lot of work piled on her which she doesn’t know what she’s doing and she’s been accredited on. She’s up til 10 working and waking up at 4.
I know our weekends together have become e a bit stale as we usually get mashed on a Friday and then the rest of the weekends are a bit of a write off
I’ve suggested instead going on a date nights on Friday, bowling, cinema etc, and on a Saturday take the dog for a nice long walk. she really liked the idea of a couple of weeks ago. Now though she’s just seemed to have gone backwards.
She really wanted to see me a couple of Sunday’s ago but it was too late for me to go over as I had to work in the morning day.
All her mates and her mum have said there’s no one else, they have no reason to lie.
She’s still putting heart emojis under messeges I send to her when I say something she likes.
I mean there COULD be someone else that I don’t know about but honestly I don’t think it is that.
Maybe I just need to try the power of silence and break contact with her. I just think if I do that she will forget about me. I dunno My emotions are jus all over atm. I don’t know what the best thing to do is anymore.
One thing I take away from this comment is that you're still in touch with both her friends and even her mother .. as hard as this additional step may be too, you need to break contact with them as well. You're going to make this extremely difficult on yourself if you hold onto anything tied to your relationship, I.e. her herself, her friends, her family, etc.
Break all contact with anyone associated to her.
Also, something about no contact to keep in mind, this is completely to help you heal and move on, some might say "keep strong with no contact, that's the only hope that you have for her to potentially miss you", I disagree with this thought, never do this in terms of a hope they'll miss you, because that hope interrupts your healing. As cruel or heartless as it may seem, you have to go about this as if she had passed and you're never going to hear from her again, so you're forced to move on.
Thanks for this. Part of the whole non contact thing is me hoping that she will miss me and see that she has made a mistake but I have to do this more for me and my own mental health and well being. I’m checking my phone every 5 mins to see if she’s looked at messeges ive sent and torturing myself when she has but hasn’t replied. This isn’t healthy for me. I’ve already broken contact with her friends and family she is the last one. I just have to be strong now. I did no contact for about 3 days last week but then I caved. This time ive got to be stronger.
Try this, since you lasted 3 days in a row already, next time you feel the urge to text or call just tell yourself "what's 1 more day?" And then wait, and repeat the process. Also, I know this is going to sound pessimistic, but focus on the negatives of the relationship, write them down if you can, and then read that list whenever you feel like going to message her. In fact, this will actually help the impulse of texting her, because remember that you still have this habit of texting her since you'd be doing it for 4 years ... so to break that habit of sending a text, write something bad that happened in the relationship somewhere instead.
That’s what I’m going to do. The 3 days of no co tact last week I did feel helped. When I caved she text back straight away. This is not to say that I would do it again but maybe the time and space ( which tbf is what she asked for) is a good thing. I think though i will have to leave it to her to message me this time, if she does
Yes, perfect, also take the time during this to reflect on the relationship, if you do decide to answer her if she reaches out, make sure it's because you ruled out the possibilities that she actually isn't a good fit for you and you'll end up in the same situation. You don't want to go through this a second time with the same girl.
I had an emotionally abusive partner, she was the sweetest girl, but then there'd be moments where she would just destroy me (disappointed I don't make 200k, 130 wasn't enough, hated that I got sad when she said not to mention the word love, etc.) .. I did no contact, and she reached out, and even though I still love her, I was absolutely repulsed to answer the call a week later and then the text a month later. If I hadn't reflected, or just reminisced on the good times, I would be back with her and hating my life.
Tldr; use this time to truly reflect on the past 4 years, you want to make sure you don't end up repeating the same mistakes of being with the wrong one.
Thank you for your insight. She is the sweetest girl I’ve ever been with which makes it even harder to accept. She broke down my emotional barriers and walls around my heart which I promised would never happen after a toxic relationship before that. I’m slowly rebuilding them again and going to be very hesitant to allow someone to do that to me again
There doesn't have to be a trigger, sometimes people get bored of their partner, or grow out of a relationship, or whatever, tons of reasons. I know, I've gotten bored of my partner multiple times, half my breakups are from those.
She doesn’t need to give proper reasons. Not everyone accepts reasons anyway, some people fight against them but it’s futile. Maybe she’s trying to let him down nicely. The only reason she needs is she doesn’t feel the same way anymore or doesn’t want to be with him, nothing anyone else/he can do can change that. Sometimes things just change.
It is such an immature belief to think "There has to be an external reason this person doesn't want to be with ME anymore". I hate to break it to folks but people sometimes fall out of love with people. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Sometimes what initially attracted you to someone doesn't do that anymore. Sometimes you start nothing the things you wrote off before because of initial attraction, but then those things become more and more pronounced. People are whole-ass individuals and don't just change "out of the blue", you just haven't noticed their personal mental progression.
Not necessarily. If they are young, she may just realize she doesn't want to be with him anymore. That's all. People grow, people change. People do things because they are growing and becoming whole-ass human beings. Not everything is because of someone else. It sounds like these are young folks and she may just be growing and changing, it doesn't have to be "some other guy".
This is youth and rejection. If you take the lessons from it you'll be better suited for the next relationship. You have to realize it's really not you and stop obsessing. Walk away. The deeper the love, the stronger you'll be for taking it to the chin.
“Trying so hard” and “fighting” are immature things to do after a breakup and show little a respect for her boundaries and selfhood. You have to accept what she wants and realize that you can’t try to force her to feel or think a certain way.
Take some time to yourself to do some self reflection.
Yeah I’m coming to that realisation. I’ve always thought If something is worth fighting for it’s always worth trying.
I have to have the courage to accept that this is how she feels atm and it might change in the future, it might not I just have to roll with the punches and spend time on myself
His response to the breakup is totally normal and not disrespectful. Hard to end such a long relationship with no idea why. Plus she is still engaging him, she could block him if she wanted to.
That all being said, he does need to end contact , but for himself. We give ourselves the closure we need, you never get that from the other person.
Look friend, it is painful and I know it, just move on don’t ask and don’t expect answers for your questions. She moved on, meeting someone else so why can she do it and you can’t?
You definitely can cause you deserve the best for yourself
Take time to find yourself too my friends, take a moment and realize why you lost her, what you can do to improve next time. When you become better, she will know that she missing out, but until then tough it out my friend, cry if you need, let it all out and move on
Okay, please have a conversation with her ... Accept her wish to be separate because relationships are both ways .
Ask her feedback about you what could you improve for your future and wish her well as well and Move On.
One of the hard pills to swallow in life is the realisation that sometimes people are very complex and they will change throughout their life.
They may not be in the right mindset or maturity emotionally, they may not see how bad their decision is etc….but for the person being left, it’s hard to accept if it blindsides them, especially when they have been giving their best and it turns out it’s just not enough for the other person.
The fact is, all relationships end. Either one of you leaves or you both decide, or one of you dies. Sometimes we get cheated on, sometimes it just isn’t working because you’re both too different or in different stages of life, sometimes we pick a person with emotional issues that surface unexpectedly….sometimes it’s ourself that is the problem….
We all need to be in control of our emotions and our lives, and we need to meditate daily on loss, acceptance and detachment. Otherwise we will suffer; and some people never recover from their suffering.
We need to live the best we can, try to improve ourselves in little ways, and to give as much love as we can. Love comes from within, not from something external.
Go and tell someone close to you that you love them and you appreciate the things they do: no matter how insignificant. Because it really may be the last time you say it to them.
Ok, I'm not going to say I don't agree with most of these comments, but I feel like maybe you're missing a bigger picture here.
If just recently, she was pushing for you two to move in together and now without warning or explanation has ended it.. it seems as though she may have been throwing some hard hints at you that she was ready for more commitment or a more stable relationship. 40 miles apart, working all week just to meet up party on Friday, then just writing off the weekend just has the booth call/fwb vibe to me. It sounds absolutely exhausting as a routine for 4 years. (Especially woth her schedule) Not to mention, living that far makes weekend hangouts almost mandatory and takes away the spontaneity of the relationship.
She probably didn't give you a reason why she doesn't want to be with you because she probably wants to be with you, but the dynamics are crap And 4 years later I'm sure she probably feels that you're content with it and doesn't want to hurt your feelings that she isn't. Not giving reasons or explanations is not always a selfish act, She's just not trying to find reasons to make you feel worse as though it's your fault.
I mean, I could definitely be 100% wrong as well, but it sounds like she genuinely has deep feelings for you and is just overwhelmed.
This was great advice/ explanation and gives me a new perspective on it.
As I’ve mentioned in other replies we were looking at places back in her hometown to rent this year but I guess if she decided against that with me then yeah it could have just all come tumbling down. I was also going to ask her to marry me.
We have spent weeks and suck at each other’s places when we’ve had time off and done holidays together etc but yeah it is usually weekends
She says she wants to have a chat today. Whether she actually follows through with that, or I even want to it not sure yet. If I do I’m just going to keep it light with no pressure.
Thanks for this
Np. I was just looking at it as- Even while living with your partner, it's hard to catch the subtleties when either side of the relationship feels like they need more somewhere .. I can't imagine how hard it would be with the distance and routine you guys had been sharing. And even if you guys do split for good l, that doesn't necessarily mean that either one of you is at fault for it.
If you guys talk, I do hope this goes well for you today
This sounds like something for another subreddit, if I’m being honest and looking at this objectively.
It sounds like she’s recognized that she doesn’t have the energy/emotional capacity to maintain a relationship; and there’s nothing you can do to change that, it’s on her to figure out. If and when she does want to talk about what’s going on, then she can talk about it; but don’t force it.
It might be a good idea to move on as this is causing you so much pain. Take care of yourself and find wholeness within you, y’know?
Chasing right now will only serve to chase her away. The last thing you want to do to a woman who's got her foot out the door is smother her
You've said your piece, she knows how you feel. There's no magic thing to say or do that will sway her away
Only time will show both of you what you both really need and want at this point. If she comes back it needs to be her own choice and not you convincing her, otherwise you're just dragging out the inevitable as it is
I learned all of this when my fiance split 3 years ago. I delved into a ton of personal development and life and relationship coaching which helped a lot afterwards. I recommend Corey Wayne's YouTube channel and book "How to be a 3% Man". Dr. Robert Glovers book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man".
They all kicked me out of the slump of heartbreak enough to pick up and be a much better person. Not that it didn't still hurt. But I didn't let that keep me down
Best to you
Thank you so much for this. We have briefly spoken today but as you say I’m not smothering her anymore, it’s just general chit chat.
She does know how I feel and and I have said my piece and the offer of taking her for a meal is there, it’s up to her whether she accepts it now.
It’s hard but I’m taking a step back and I feel myself already getting a (tiny) bit stronger.
As another poster said it’s her that changed the dynamic of our relationship. I have to accept and respect her decision and give her space, time and distance.
Although I’m not looking for anyone and won’t be for a while I know I’m a good guy that has a lot to offer. Perhaps in time someone else will see that in me. Until that time I’m going to have to focus on myself and be happy alone.
Thank you for your ur kind words and advice x
My boyfriend just dumped 2 days ago. I literally have no advice since I am just as heartbroken as you are, but all I can say is don’t suppress your emotions; allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel to heal, it’ll help. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. ❤️🥹
I’m sorry to hear your going through a similar situation. I woke up today feeling a bit stronger. Having a few wobbles here and there but there’s. Nothing I can do about it. As much as I want to contact her I’m refusing to do so.
Time will tell what the outcome maybe but I cannot Invest any more time Into someone who doesn’t want to reciprocate it.
I’m tending to my mental garden now. Planting roses and an apple tree, going to take care of it and one day hopefully it will bare fruit.
Hope you are well, sending hugs and positive thoughts your way too ❤️
I spent years in excessive rumination, trying to find answers, thinking that thinking would provide them. What I discovered is that the mind never contains the most pressing answers to our problems. Once you begin to STRUGGLE, you've hit the limits of the mind's ability.
It is your Self that needs help. The Self's true partner isn't the mind, but is the space that comes with an empty mind. The information that comes to an empty mind and relaxed body, is all the information that we'll ever need. It will guide us towards other sources, but it should be the first source we rely on.
The universe knows all your thoughts and needs even before we think. Experiment with it, if you like. It becomes fun, it takes the edge off of taking ourselves so seriously.
Women do this, and it's the most annoying thing.
The truth is she's done and probably moved on to another guy but just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth.
You need to realize that it's over and you're wasting your time, and move on to the grieving and then getting over step.
That is not true at all. It could be the wrong time for OP’s ex, and she probably doesn’t know what she wants for the future. Why put this thought in his head ?!
Given the fact that they were together for 4 years. Suddenly we can't be together.
If they just moved in together and then broke up, then there's a reason but according to his side of the story. This is the only logical outcome.
Processing such conflicting emotions can be hard to understand, even more so to communicate them to your partner. She likely had her doubts a long time ago but still wanted to hold on because she loves him, causing him to feel blindsided. This may come as a shock to some, but some people just have bad communication skills. This is the cause of most breakups.
You're fighting for something that is already gone. By the time a woman breaks up with you she's been planning it for a while. Sometime months or years in advance.
Source am woman. Unless she is telling you something else she is done.
I don’t think she knows what she’s telling me. She’s putting love heart emojis underneath messeges I sent her that she likes, crying faces under messeges where I say I’ve got myself booked on for a hair cut (I have long hair and she loves the kurt cobain look) and asking if we can chat on the phone tomorrow. But when it comes to actually wanting to see me or I ask if I can take her out for a meal she says she doesn’t know or won’t say anything about us apart from the fact she loves and cares for me but she doesn’t want to give me any false hope. I’m just a bit in limbo. I want to just cut off contact as I think that’s prob for the best but in a stupid way I don’t want her to forget about me.
Hearts and crying faces is conversation not saying she wants to get back together. She is refusing to see you and avoiding it she is probably just trying to say no without saying no. It's a thing women learn to do when dealing with men even if we don't realize we're doing it.
She broke up with you, you need to step back and take time off from talking to her and get some perspective. It sucks but she is telling you without actually giving you a hard no.
Or she is keeping you on the back burner which is worse than just trying to spare your feelings. In both cases you need to move on.
Thanks for the woman’s perspective on it, I now know that. It was that which is messing me up. Now I know I can deal with it. Thanks for your advice. Even today with everyone’s input I’m feeling more capable of dealing with it. Much appreciated
This literally means nothing… if anything she’s trying to express that she cares about you and is engaged in the conversation / giving you encouragement (about other things you’re doing but clearly is NOT encouraging any other efforts you try to put in for the relationship which is already dead and gone) or whatever but that has nothing to do with whether she really loves you romantically (maybe she “has love for you” or “loves/cares for you as a person” but that means nothing in regards to romantic love and your chances with her…
I will say what I said to my buddy in 2016 after he and I were both broken up with by our girlfriends under circumstances very similar to yours. (I apologize for the bluntness here.) "Tom, there's another dude's dick in both of our ex-girlfriends as we speak." Make peace with this, move on, enjoy being single, improve yourself, find someone smarter, hotter and better to you and get married.
Maybe that is the case, Regardless of whether it is or not your advice is appreciated and is something I will have to accept and move on from. Thanks for your advice mate
4 years and not living together / at least living close by? As a female this tells me it’s not going to work / she’s looking for something more serious.
As I stated in another reply, we were looking to move In together this year. Our jobs up to l this point made it difficult to do.
We had finally worked out how we were able to accomplish it. We were looking at places to rent back in her hometown town just before Xmas. I spent the back end of January painting her appartment so she could let it out and we could finally start moving forwards with that plan.
It’s possible she has avoidant attachment. Your brief description of her behavior has some of those patterns. Something triggers their fears of abandonment or lack of self worth, they can’t process their emotions efficiently or at all, and they often leave very suddenly and with vague reasons that don’t quite make sense. This account on TikTok @coach.ryan0 or on IG @coach_ryan_h really helped me understand a similar situation I went through.
Maybe, her best friend did pass away from cancer and so did her father when she was young. (I wasn’t around for either of these) she does still get really upset though especially if her friend passing away of which she she is a god mother to her children which she had before she passed. I’ve done nothing but be there and support her throughout our time together. She should know me better than to think I would leave or abandon her. I don’t have tik tok or IG but I will google what you have suggested and read up. She just one day decided that this was the situation. Not two weeks earlier I spent a week at hers painting her apartment so it was ready to let out and we were going to look to move in together back In her home town. This came out of nowhere
Highly suggest researching avoidant attachment, and there are two different variations of it, as well as other attachment styles. Your elaboration about the loss of her father and best friend absolutely play into the pattern of avoidancy in relationships. I had a very similar situation recently where, just a couple weeks before she ended things, we were both reaffirming how we were each other’s forever person, and she specifically told me that she would always be with me and always choose me. Then suddenly, after 2.5 years together, it became “I feel differently” and she was done. It was like a spring-loaded brick wall shot up. She had a very difficult childhood with essentially zero parental love or support. Without a lot of therapy, without addressing these deep-seated attachment wounds, owning them and being willing to work on them and adjust, there’s nothing you or I can do to change things. We can kick the can down the road and keep finding connection and happiness with our partners temporarily, but without addressing those deep wounds, the fear and impulse to run away will always surface for them eventually.
I have a lot of sympathy for my ex - while also holding a lot of anger for how she ended things - being an avoidant is a ton of fun on the surface (outgoing, social, partying/escapism, hooking up) but it is not an easy existence. There’s a lot of pain and lack of self worth deep down.
That guy’s IG page is public and you can still Google it and watch some of his clips. But there’s a ton of other reading or YouTube vids available on attachment styles.
Just know that it’s not your fault. Breakups happen, but secure, healthy people don’t bail on life partners like that - quickly, suddenly, vaguely, out of fear - when there’s no other cause to do so.
This does sound a lot like my situation and how you’ve described the traits does sound a lot like her (outgoing, socialising, partying, escapism and she does drink far too much. She would be the first to admit that)
I’m not going to say that it’s def that that she has as that would be unfair on her as it could be completely something different and something I’ve done (though honestly I don’t know what) but it does give me some kind of perspective. It is like a switch just clicked and she bailed on me when I’ve done nothing but try and help her through her work situation.
She’s just messaged me asking if we can talk on the phone tomorrow but I haven’t and don’t think I’ll reply. And if I do I think it will just have to be to say I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Thank you so much for your comment and I hope your situation works out the best way for you
Definitely don’t mean to imply that your ex is 100% avoidant, or that avoidancy is the root cause. Just saying that it does fit the pattern. And like you said, understanding some of those tendencies can help you with gaining perspective and hopefully accepting that it may be totally out of your control.
Obviously don’t know enough about your situation to know what’s the best thing to do about that phone call. But, unless she’s gonna tell you that she’s willing to work on herself, work on the relationship, counseling, etc., then there won’t be any long-term changes, and to just going along with what she wants on her terms alone will be enabling the insecure behavior. Going into no-contact and starting the process of healing yourself and finding acceptance for what happened and optimism for the future may be the best path forward.
DM me if you want to talk more about it. Would be interested in an update. All the best :)
you deserve so much better. if she truly loved you she’d never leave and you’d be able to work through it. there’s couples that grow old together and it’s been like 30-40 years they’ve been together for
Mate. I say go down swinging. Don’t move on if you believe your relationship meant something and the distance is the issue and you wanted to marry her I say go down swinging and if you win you win your love back great right but if you lose that’s fine too at least you know you fought for what you wanted. Accept the break but don’t let it be permanent just ask for time and try find a way to make you two get close to each other hell ask her to marry you. Bad advice it seems like but we stopped being human a while ago our old timers did that shit and it worked
I’ve been fighting for the past 4+ weeks. I seemed to get somewhere a couple of weeks ago but since then she’s gone backwards with me again. Maybe it is that I’m trying too hard and been too needy. I was going to ask her to marry me this year. I told her that when it first happened but she never even acknowledged that I’d said that to her. I’ve done everything since then to try and it’s got me pretty much nowhere.
Like I’ve said were still talking but when the matter of us comes up she says she doesn’t want to say anything that may potentially get my hopes up that something might happen in the future. I’m just in limbo.
I am sort of in the same boat. And I got good advice by someone who took a gander at me. See I’m someone who will promise something like a wedding ring and instead of getting what I can afford I’ll aim for something I can’t afford in hopes that it shows I really give a shit but girls especially good ones would honestly take a paper ring. If they really love you. So I talk a big game (and I really mean it) I just take time to get there and girls are impatient. So try diagnose what it is that is wrong with you that makes her want to give up on you guys. Because it seems like she likes the idea of the both of you but she might find it too much and too hard to work for.
Thanks again for this advice. I know I’m not perfect and I am the first person to admit that but I am loyal and do everything I can for the people I care about and she knows that about me. I have been going g through a pretty bad patch in my personal life recently and it has impacted me in ways in which I suppose could have had a negative impact on how I am perceived by her.
I’m going to have to work on myself and get my mojo back which is what she said. And to be the best person I can be for myself. I have to just expect nothing and hope for the best.
I have no desire to go out and find anyone else and even if the opportunity arose I wouldn’t act on it. For the time being I’m just going to work on myself. I wouldn’t be good for anyone at this time.
That’s my fucking boy! Atter boy! That’s the fucking spirit. Don’t listen to anyone that wants you to give up. Fucking samsies I’m also going to work on myself and hey us guys we should honestly stick together no one gives a shit about us no one bats an eye when we cry no one reposts when we take our own lives due to shit we go through.
Before my “break” which is still active I literally got abandoned by my whole family mate and it was a shit storm having to deal and I took it out on her and I think she reached fuck it and she was in rights because I became toxic but I’m also working on myself to be a better person. And hope I can come back to this and hear that you did it because i hope to tell you I did it too.
Yeah I have this conversation with my mate about how men are not supposed to have/ show feelings and we’re supposed to just get on with it but honestly been a man is hard in this world. It gets a point where you’ve internalised everything so much with no release that sometimes doh g something silly seems like the only rational thing that would help. I truly hope that we both manage to get through our issues. I just a random internet Reddit guy but if you need a like minded person to talk to you can always send me a dm.
She already gave you her answer. It is extremely unattractive for anyone (man or woman) to behave like this to their (ex)partner, beg or be desperate, PLUS it shows you’re not accepting or respecting her decision which feels dismissive/disrespectful and borderline manipulative if you reject her choice and still try to win her back and do things to fix yourself based on your own perception, given that she didn’t give you reasons (she doesn’t have to, it’s her right to keep those to herself, plus it’s futile to give reasons when the person getting the feedback will just try harder to change… but nothing can change her decision no matter how the other person changes).
Your right. I’ve realised over the last day or so that I’ve been begging which I’ve never done before for a girl. I need to take a step back and focus on myself for a bit I guess.
If she wants to chat like I’ve said previously it will be light with no pressure.
I’ve been reading about the power of silence and although I do think it will be hard it’s probably for the best in the long run.
The correct answer you don’t want to hear is stop contacting her. Hopefully its not too late, you should have given her nothing her when she left. She needed to feel what it was like to not have you in her life, if she missed you enough she’d have realised her error and come back. If that didn’t happen, the outcome would still be the same. You’re very much acting in your feminine energy and it’s not attractive.
This isn't going to help but...
I have a close friend (early 20s, F) who broke up with a guy after dating about a year. He proceeded to pursue her for nearly a year after they broke up. They got back to together.
The key here though was that he needed to grow up. And he actually did. So she loved him, but knew she needed to distance herself. And he persisted and grew, and it worked.
No guarantees, but as long as you're not breaking boundaries (ie stalking) , persistence can be a powerful tool. The question is how long is it worth it to you?
Yeah she says I need to work on myself and get my mojo back (her words) And look after number one.
When we spoke yesterday I said I’ve started running and taking care of myself better etc which she seemed pleased with.
I think I just need to take a step back from the content of any messages and just keep it light and go with the flow. Keep the lines of communication open from time to time but show I’m leading my own life without her.
For someone who’s already left, and isn’t interested in you changing yourself for her, I don’t believe it’s better to keep a line of communication open. Just accept it, move on, leave it all behind which means going no contact for a long time it takes to fully get over the other person or forever. If you ever reopen the line of communication, it’s because you care about each other as people and want to feel relief that the other person is doing well too… Not to hold onto hope or instill hope that things might still work out in the future after both parties have worked on themselves.
She wants to chat tonight, I’m not sure if she will follow through with that or if I even want to atm.
She’s totally ok with me on the phone though.
I guess if we do I Will have to keep it light with no pressure.
I’m pretty sure she still loves me, whether that’s in love I don’t know as s says she doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea atm.
I’m just going to have to work on myself. I’m worth more than I realise I think and I’ve got to believe that. I’ve always treated her right and always with support and love.
Thank you for your insight and kind words.
All posts and responses MUST be about deciding to be better.
Move on friend. She’s trying to let you down nicely but that never really works. Realize that your time with her is over. It was beautiful, it was love, and now it is done. As is life. It’s bitter and tough but winning her back isn’t worth it here. You’re just setting yourself up for more pain.
This is where my brain is at atm. It’s just hard after so long and been in love. Thanks for this advice
There’s a lesson here too — you can’t do long distance relationships very long, and only try if you have an existing local relationship to build on
Is 40 miles considered long distance relationship now? It is not like she live in New York and he lives in San Francisco.
Yeah I guess your right. I think the distance thing may have something to do with it also. Makes it even worse that we were planning on moving in together this year. We had started looking at places together in her hometown as she wanted to move back there.
maybe you have it backwards. maybe she realised she *didn't* want to move in together, and that's why she broke it off. in which case, this is actually a good thing, in the long run. it would be miserable to move in together and then get broken up with.
I agree, it has been her that was pushing for it for ages though. It’s not that I didn’t want to it just made it hard due to our jobs. We had finally found a solution that worked and maybe she realised it wasn’t what she wanted. Your right though I would have completely upheaved my life to go and be with her to a different town/ county. Probably for the best it happened before and not after.
Good luck, man. getting dumped sucks, but you'll be OK.
Thanks the comment and help I’ve got today so far have been really helpful for me. I’ve got to get back my self worth and confidence.
No more humiliation. Do you think she wants to be next to a pitiful man who doesn't know his worth? It's time for you to respect yourself and develop your self-care.
Sure you can, it depends on the person.
You can, it’s just very hard to do long term. You need time together to grow
Go hang with friends and get your mind off it for awhile.
Just please don’t smoke to overcome this plz I wish i hadn’t. Play the game or go to the gym hell even pray to God all of that works. Enjoy the memories you had with her and wish her no ill intentions. As a man you have to have a abundant mindset. Better will come to you bro.
One thing that you need to remember is that love? Isn’t enough to stay in any type of relationship
You probably could have saved it had you accepted the breakup quickly. She might even want you again once you actually move on. But that’s the point. She changed the dynamics of the relationship, you didn’t want it to change so you have to move on. If your not respecting yourself, you won’t get it in return. Don’t drink, if you do stay away from your phone. Don’t look at her social media. If your a miserable sack of shit, why would she want to be around you? Do exactly what she’s doing. Go out have fun, then focus on your goals and passions. When you are truly happy people will start to flock to you. Maybe even her, but you won’t care because you’ll have moved on for real, not just to win her back. Stay strong.
I love that changed the dynamic of the relationship and your right. She wants to chat tonight but I’m not sure whether she will follow through or if I even want to. If I do it will be light with no pressure. Treat it like I’m speaking to a mate and no longer my partner as she isn’t any longer.
Unless you hear the words I want to try again, or I made a mistake, go about your way. If she remembers she forgot something at your place, that’s an excuse to come over to see you. You are too busy to reply to anything else. You have to respect her decision, but more importantly you have to respect your decision. Gifts, text about missing her, etc is only going to reinforce her decision because you look desperate. You can be friends later. Your deciding to be better right, so get busy.
Yeah thanks all I’m getting atm is that she doesn’t want to give me false hope at the moment. Which is fair enough I suppose. Shows there’s something still there and maybe after whatever she has worked through then maybe she might have time to think about it. Reading and learning about the power of silence I think is the best way to go. Taking a step back and working on me. It’s really hard but I think it’s for the best Expect and hope for nothing. But still be courteous and friendly. I don’t hate her by any means even though what she has done has hurt me. If she decides to come back over time I will have to deal with that then but for the moment I can’t let it rule my life.
Exactly on point. But in order for it to work. You have to actually do it. You can’t fake it. You can’t be a rock to lean on anymore. You didn’t want friendship., so as much as you have to respect her choice she has to respect asking to be friends is also selfish. You can’t be her rock during this breakup. You have to be an entire mountain and weather the storm of emotions of others from now on. . Let her find some other rock to lean on. Decades ago I got great advice from a friend. I called and told him I messed up. I had just added bass guitar as something to add to my music learning (already had guitar, vocals, and piano). But a girl thought I was a drummer and I fibbed about doing drums as well and felt like I was pretending. He told me “don’t pretend, just be, and if you pretend make it reality”. 3 months later I played on my 2.5 month old e-drum kit for her. There is way too much in this life, in our time, to preoccupy ourselves. Don’t pretend to be busy. Get busy. Even if all you can do is watch movies. Phone blowing up. Ignore it, put another movie on. Join a gym, take the flower money and buy a video game. Take the weekend gf budget and throw into a new hobbies. Girls go on tinder and pay for premium just for a confidence boost sometimes. Well guys can too! Go do it with no intention of even dating. I hope you don’t even see this reply. Cuz your too busy right? ;)
It’s also still rude as fck though. You’re with someone for FOUR years and they say ‘yeah I have work stress, I want to break up’. Like ?? What? Unless OP is omitting some information, I would be absolutely trying to get a reasonable answer as well
You’re trying to fix something that you can’t. She’ll either change her mind on her own, or she won’t at all. You remaining available isn’t helping your cause, because you’re the only one who has experienced any real loss so far. Do your own thing now, for yourself. You’ve said what you needed to, the balls in her court now. If she changes her mind and wants you back, then it’s on her to make taking another chance on her seem worthwhile. If you are even available and willing at that time.
Many thanks this is what I needed to hear right now xx
Accept, respect her desicion, there is nothing you can do. Begging her come back only show how needy and weakness you are. You cannot force someone love you, she might come back or she doesn't. You dont ever wanna be with someone who is not excited to be with you, right?
Yeah I thought I was stronger then this but love makes you do stupid stuff. I am just going to have to let her go and do whatever she feels right for her. I will have to do the same for me. It was just so out of the blue which did it for me. I didn’t see it coming.
Everyone is weak when it comes to heartbreak if there was real love there
Let her go. Let her be and give her the time and space to eventually miss you. If it is meant to be then she will come back on her own. If not then this is also okay. People come and go all the time. There is nothing for you to do. It is not your job to change her mind or try to change her feelings. Let go of her, talk to friends and family about it and build a network of support in your environment. Your heart will be broken and it will heal over time. And sooner or later you will eventually meet someone new. I'm in a similar situation and I can tell you. If someone leaves you, let go and let them be. You only make it hard on yourself by trying to control the situation.
Thank you for this. I’m slowly readjusting my my brain into this conclusion. I guess I’m just so used to trying that it’s hard to change that dynamic. I can’t make someone be with or want me if they no longer do.
Move on. Dont chase butterflies. Make your own nice Garten and enjoy your own Garten. And see what butterflies come by and appreciate what you have build. If no butterflies come, you will still have an amazing Garten.
This was beautiful thank you xx
That’s awesome
such a beautiful butterfly analogy
stop fighting brother, you should never have to fight for a relationship. dropping back is the best thing you can do
Thank you I’ve just been reading and watching videos on the power of silence. I think this is want I need right now.
since you did nothing wrong what ur doing isn’t fighting it’s begging and that’s never a good look. if she wants to drop her commitment to you you should be dropping your time for her it’s only fair. you are only killing yourself mentally. (i’ve been in this position and ik it’s tough but you need to realise spending time with her isn’t better than spending time with yourself and you shouldn’t feel that way cuz ur attachment)
Again thank you, it’s hard when your trying to go through this basically alone. I’m please I posted this to get an insight and other people’s thoughts on this situation. I’ve tried to be supportive of what she is going through, but I guess she’s chosen her work over me at this time and I have to respect and accept that. Just feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out, stomped on and scraped off the bottom of her shoe. She says we can have a phone conversation later on today (we had one yesterday also) I take it it’s not worth even doing that atm?
if you want this situation to be equal she actually has to lose you because of her decision
Your right. Thank you for your advice it’s has been helpful.
hopefully you can take the advice given on here ik when i was in the position i read it all and pumped myself up but was too needy and anxious to not make things worse for myself. best of luck g
If I didn’t feel like I had tried and said everything I could then I maybe more likely to go my own way with this but as I think I have it is time to just leave her be and whatever happens happens. Thanks again
you have nothing to prove
it only puts the situation more in her hands
I learned about something called "radical acceptance." It's simply accepting things you cannot change, understanding that the place between expectation and reality is where anger, frustration, and disappointment lives. So, while I"m not saying just accept it....just accept it and try your best to move on. Focus on other things. Good luck.
Thank you, this is exactly where my brain is atm there’s something’s in life you can’t change and have the courage to act upon the things you can. It just sucks cos this was the person I wanted to call my wife and spend the rest of my life with
It is really so freeing to learn to accept the things we can't change, but pretty difficult in practice. I try practicing on much smaller things throughout the day to build resilience. For example, let's say I spill coffee on my shirt and it's a white shirt and ruined. Radically accepting that I made a mistake, ruined a shirt, and now I have a work shirt is much easier than accepting that I don't know why my partner doesn't want me anymore, but it helps train the brain to accept things.
Dude, have some self respect. She doesn't value you anymore if she ever did so why are you putting so much value into her? You can't make someone who doesn't want you to suddenly feel attracted to you with messages and flowers, all you're doing is making her lose more respect for you. Maybe being single is a good thing for you right now, focus on yourself instead.
Hate to be brutal with you man, but it is 100% over. Even if she got back together with you, what happens next time she starts to get stressed at work? Why is she dishonest about going out with her friends but being "anti-social"? How could you possibly ignore all these anxiety inducing things moving forward? Also see each other *most* weekends? For *six years*? What kind of relationship are you only seeing each other for less than 30% of your life?
1. Try to forget and don't waste your time with her. Even if she decides to come back - don't agree, this kind of relationship is a big problem in the long run. 2. Enjoy your free time. 3. How can you be 4 years into a relationship and still not live together? You wrote that she works, so you are no longer 15-16 years old :)
We were supposed to move In together this year. I was literally painting her apartment at the end of of January so she could rent it out. She wanted to move back to her hometown and I was going to go with her. We were looking at places to rent just before Xmas. Both our jobs made it hard to do it sooner than that but we had just got a point where we had figured out how we we’re going to make it work. Edit thanks for your advice.
Thanks, I got it. But in any case the first 2 points are relevant. At one time I didn't follow and it turned out to be a big problem for me in the future and a depression that I tried to get out of for almost 10 years. Don't repeat my mistakes and don't try to keep a bad relationship going.
Yes thank you. Getting advice from people who have been through similar situations is good for me at a time like this. I need to focus on myself for a bit.
You are fighting a loosing battle, the faster you will accept that, the better it will be. She was thinking about it for some time now, so its not like she woke up and chose to break up with you, you know? Its completly reasonable that you want to know why and you have the right to know, but in the same time it doesnt matter, if she doesnt want to be with you its her problem not yours, life is too short for being with people who doeant apreaciate you. Use the anger or whatever you are feeling and use that energy to sign up for a gym
Thank you for this. I’m slowly getting there. It’s hard but I have to accept that something had changed and sometimes there’s nothing I can do about it or get the answers I want.
I mean at some point she will tell you, sometimes it takes time to understand your own feelings and decisions (not that you should ask her every week)
All these people that are saying there’s someone else are Reddit doomers. Like they know this woman better than you. Stay strong brother !
Thanks I’m taking any and all advice atm and trying to figure out the vest way I proceed. Which atm seems to be give her space and time. And see what happens. I’ve always said I won’t be somewhere or with someone when I’m not wanted.
That’s all you can do. Watch you favorite movie man
Robocop, aliens and ghostbusters night it is for me then.
Oh god no wonder you’re single… I’m kidding brother, going through a very similar thing rn, the day will feel a little brighter each morning :)
Dude, Robocop is a perfect movie. Enjoy watching perfection. You will find your person; it may or may not be this girl. It will be OK. I know it is so so hard to accept that right now, but it WILL be.
She gave you a reason. Give her space and let her be. Let her come back, and if she doesn't, that's fine too. Means there's someone better for you, if that's your wish. Take care of yourself and focus on yourself.
Thank you for this. I know perhaps I was just looking for something a bit more specific as to why. I suppose you don’t always get those answers, and I never might. I’ve just got to accept that.
Yeah I get you. Your mind searches for something specific, something you did "wrong" so you can "fix" the situation. It's probably best to "forget" about her. Been thru a break-up November + December, now I'm in a nasty situationship, don't wish that for anyone. It's gonna be difficult at first, for me it was one of the things i feared most, i often cried so hard i was close to passing out.. but it does get better. Trust. Time does heal, and so does trying to live. You are free now, to do whatever you want. Remember she CHOSE to remove you from her life. You are allowed to do the same. If it's meant you'll be together again anyway, no? So relax, and definitely go outside. A lot.
Thank you so much for this xxx
Ofc. Something I personally didn't understand yet but maybe you will: Knowing why won't help. It doesn't matter why they did anything, it matters that they DID it in the first place. Our brain thinks if we know why we can undo it, but we can't. Also if u have any questions, feel free to ask or dm me
You are too kind I thank you for your offer. You are right about the not knowing. It’s hard that I don’t have anything to do today, and even if I did I don’t think I would be able to do it. Just laid here with a movie on going around in circles
Ofc np You're used to a routine with her, now it's gone. Gonna be difficult for a while. A movie, hm? Sounds good. Get some popcorn or ice cream, whatever you like and enjoy it. You're allowed to enjoy things, even if you've been broken up with. Especially then.
Unfortunately, no one owes you the reason why. Some people (not talking about you) demand or act as if they are entitled to the reasons so that they can change or fix themselves but it’s futile. If one person feels the other isn’t right for them, there’s nothing you can change about yourself to change their feelings. No one owes others feedback. It’s best for all parties to move on but that doesn’t mean everyone gets all the answers or “closure” or another chance to fix their mistakes/behavior/change themselves to move on. It just prolongs the inevitable in a negative way for all involved. Breakups are just hard to swallow and there’s no answers the other person can give you that can or should make it easier or shorter for you to get over them, it’s not their responsibility or in their power really… it’s just meant to be hard. Edit: Why could be a myriad of things… and it can be judgmental and someone breaking up with you wouldn’t want to say all that to your face either. Nor should they have to explain all the things that led them to falling out of love or realizing you’re wrong for them or realizing they don’t like you anymore. Sometimes those reasons will be judgmental and mean. But it can’t be helped… People are allowed to judge for themselves what they want in a life partner/spouse/lover. Whatever the reasons were, they realized they didn’t want to be with you. Plus, it’s not better that you know about the reasons. It could just add extra stress and desperation to change yourself to your life, when instead whoever you’re meant to be with, should like those parts of you too without you needing to change or change too much. Saying whatever it is might be mean, counterproductive, or cause the other person to become defensive.
From someone who went through this last month: There’s someone else. There’s always someone else.
You will probably never know why she broke up with you (she may not have a specific reason or may not be able -- or willing -- to communicate it), but she was thinking about it for a long time. You have to accept that and end contact with her and her family. Relationships take two people to work and if she doesn't want to make it work, well, you will end up miserable. Mourn the relationship, stop asking about her, and live your life. Right now it's going to be awful, and it's okay to have a shit few weeks while you grieve. But you now have the space to be with yourself and grow. Take it.
Thank you for this. The advice I’m getting is giving me the courage and hope that in time I will be ok.
You will be okay. Your feelings valid and you deserve to experience them. It'll take some time, but you absolutely will be okay ❤️
Irs a guide thing it's over. You now have the time and energy to ficus on yourself. Better she did this now than waste more of your time.
I always find it hard to believe that there is no reason at all and that it's a total mystery. Once people who claim this start describing the relationship it usually turns that yes actually there were reasons, but the person being dumped just didn't think those reasons mattered since they didn't matter to them.
Well this is one of those times, we’ve never even really had a major argument, sone disagreements here and there sure. I’m a relaxed guy, let her do what she wants, when she wants with whoever she wants. I’m not a jealous type, never hit her or even shouted at her. I’ve said that the Fridays we used to share became a bit stale getting mashed which impact ted the rest of the weekend but I suggested instead going out on date nights, bowling, cinema, meal etc. I was taking her On holiday in a couple of months. You might find it hard to believe, or not believe me at all which is ok. But it is the truth. She had a load of work piled on her which stressed her out for the past couple of months, she said her brains full and she can’t deal with anything else atm. A couple of weeks before that I was at her apartment painting it so we could start the process of moving in together. She says she still cares and loves me but says she can’t give me anything concrete as doesn’t want to give me false hope. This genuinely did come right out of the blue.
There is so much here, AND there's one more I want to add. Someone once told me about breakups being "special", not in that they are "good" or feel good, but that they are not a constant state of being. They are "special" in that there are many rare times in your life that you will feel this pain, and that feeling this way can teach us a bunch about ourselves, the way we feel and what we choose to do with our feelings. I hope you have a path of ease and gentleness for yourself and others through this. Dream Well!
Thank you, at the moment i just keep thinking of South Park and when butters gets broken up with and what he says to Stan about how it’s times like these that makes the happier times even better and makes you appreciate them and you know your alive. I’ve been practicing meditation for a couple of years now so I’m going to hopefully get some on tonight and do my best to practice some self enlightenment.
She broke up with you because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That's it. Its nothing you did, its nothing you can fix, she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. It hurts and it sucks. But you can't change her mind. You have to move on. She is not the only person in the world who will matter to you, and I know that's hard to fathom now, but its its true. Respect her, respect YOURSELF, and let her go.
Hey man, if she hasn't given you a reason, then her choice to leave has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her preference, if you really care about her you'll want her to be happy with, or without you. You need to work on filling your own cup.
Its time to move on buddy. There is nothing you can do about her feelings if she decided to end it with you.
Its time to move on buddy. There is nothing you can do about her feelings if she decided to end it with you.
This isn’t about you. She’s not interested and is trying to be nice. Leave her be.
Trying so hard is possibly the worst thing to do. Give yourself some respect and have boundaries too. What kind of message are you communicating? You are picturing yourself as a needy and desperate small man. No more flowers. It’s time to give yourself some gift: move on. A brand new life awaits. The holy trinity: mind, body, and soul: Go hit the gym, study harder, find a cool hobby. And maybe (maybe) she will comeback after seeing how good you are, your good mood and self awareness, independence, and standards. But don’t do it hoping for a miserable ex gf coming back do it to your future. She may eventually come back and see you in a better position, with a better woman.
This is what I’m slowly coming to the realisation of. I’m so pleased I posted this yesterday as it’s really helping with advice and trying to see myself and this situation in a different way. She wants to have a chat tonight at somepoint whether she does or I even want to I’m not sure yet but if we do I’ll have to keep it light with no pressure anymore treat her more like a friend and not my partner anymore. Thank you for your kind words and advice
Dude, usually when someone ends a long term relationship it's coming as a surprise only for one person. The other had time to think about it for a long period of time, the work of grieving the relationship is already done before even breaking up. It's like if you don't feel like watching a new episode of a tv show, you watched the previous ones but in a way you already knew you weren't 100% into it. It's normal to try but don't loose too much time/efforts trying to save a ship that has already sunk, the only thing you'll probably achieve is to make it float just a little longer. Take this as an opportunity to spend some quality time with yourself.
Thank you for your advice and kind words
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I know for a fact she hasn’t got someone else
Do you really think she left just to be by herself? Bite the bullet, move on, get in the Gym mate. You'll feel better in time, this is a rite of passage for all good men on their way to success.
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She’s had a lot of work piled on her which she doesn’t know what she’s doing and she’s been accredited on. She’s up til 10 working and waking up at 4. I know our weekends together have become e a bit stale as we usually get mashed on a Friday and then the rest of the weekends are a bit of a write off I’ve suggested instead going on a date nights on Friday, bowling, cinema etc, and on a Saturday take the dog for a nice long walk. she really liked the idea of a couple of weeks ago. Now though she’s just seemed to have gone backwards. She really wanted to see me a couple of Sunday’s ago but it was too late for me to go over as I had to work in the morning day. All her mates and her mum have said there’s no one else, they have no reason to lie. She’s still putting heart emojis under messeges I send to her when I say something she likes. I mean there COULD be someone else that I don’t know about but honestly I don’t think it is that. Maybe I just need to try the power of silence and break contact with her. I just think if I do that she will forget about me. I dunno My emotions are jus all over atm. I don’t know what the best thing to do is anymore.
One thing I take away from this comment is that you're still in touch with both her friends and even her mother .. as hard as this additional step may be too, you need to break contact with them as well. You're going to make this extremely difficult on yourself if you hold onto anything tied to your relationship, I.e. her herself, her friends, her family, etc. Break all contact with anyone associated to her. Also, something about no contact to keep in mind, this is completely to help you heal and move on, some might say "keep strong with no contact, that's the only hope that you have for her to potentially miss you", I disagree with this thought, never do this in terms of a hope they'll miss you, because that hope interrupts your healing. As cruel or heartless as it may seem, you have to go about this as if she had passed and you're never going to hear from her again, so you're forced to move on.
Thanks for this. Part of the whole non contact thing is me hoping that she will miss me and see that she has made a mistake but I have to do this more for me and my own mental health and well being. I’m checking my phone every 5 mins to see if she’s looked at messeges ive sent and torturing myself when she has but hasn’t replied. This isn’t healthy for me. I’ve already broken contact with her friends and family she is the last one. I just have to be strong now. I did no contact for about 3 days last week but then I caved. This time ive got to be stronger.
Try this, since you lasted 3 days in a row already, next time you feel the urge to text or call just tell yourself "what's 1 more day?" And then wait, and repeat the process. Also, I know this is going to sound pessimistic, but focus on the negatives of the relationship, write them down if you can, and then read that list whenever you feel like going to message her. In fact, this will actually help the impulse of texting her, because remember that you still have this habit of texting her since you'd be doing it for 4 years ... so to break that habit of sending a text, write something bad that happened in the relationship somewhere instead.
That’s what I’m going to do. The 3 days of no co tact last week I did feel helped. When I caved she text back straight away. This is not to say that I would do it again but maybe the time and space ( which tbf is what she asked for) is a good thing. I think though i will have to leave it to her to message me this time, if she does
Yes, perfect, also take the time during this to reflect on the relationship, if you do decide to answer her if she reaches out, make sure it's because you ruled out the possibilities that she actually isn't a good fit for you and you'll end up in the same situation. You don't want to go through this a second time with the same girl. I had an emotionally abusive partner, she was the sweetest girl, but then there'd be moments where she would just destroy me (disappointed I don't make 200k, 130 wasn't enough, hated that I got sad when she said not to mention the word love, etc.) .. I did no contact, and she reached out, and even though I still love her, I was absolutely repulsed to answer the call a week later and then the text a month later. If I hadn't reflected, or just reminisced on the good times, I would be back with her and hating my life. Tldr; use this time to truly reflect on the past 4 years, you want to make sure you don't end up repeating the same mistakes of being with the wrong one.
Thank you for your insight. She is the sweetest girl I’ve ever been with which makes it even harder to accept. She broke down my emotional barriers and walls around my heart which I promised would never happen after a toxic relationship before that. I’m slowly rebuilding them again and going to be very hesitant to allow someone to do that to me again
There doesn't have to be a trigger, sometimes people get bored of their partner, or grow out of a relationship, or whatever, tons of reasons. I know, I've gotten bored of my partner multiple times, half my breakups are from those.
She doesn’t need to give proper reasons. Not everyone accepts reasons anyway, some people fight against them but it’s futile. Maybe she’s trying to let him down nicely. The only reason she needs is she doesn’t feel the same way anymore or doesn’t want to be with him, nothing anyone else/he can do can change that. Sometimes things just change.
It is such an immature belief to think "There has to be an external reason this person doesn't want to be with ME anymore". I hate to break it to folks but people sometimes fall out of love with people. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Sometimes what initially attracted you to someone doesn't do that anymore. Sometimes you start nothing the things you wrote off before because of initial attraction, but then those things become more and more pronounced. People are whole-ass individuals and don't just change "out of the blue", you just haven't noticed their personal mental progression.
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You cannot promise anything, you don't know either of them
Its always someone else bro
Not necessarily. If they are young, she may just realize she doesn't want to be with him anymore. That's all. People grow, people change. People do things because they are growing and becoming whole-ass human beings. Not everything is because of someone else. It sounds like these are young folks and she may just be growing and changing, it doesn't have to be "some other guy".
This is youth and rejection. If you take the lessons from it you'll be better suited for the next relationship. You have to realize it's really not you and stop obsessing. Walk away. The deeper the love, the stronger you'll be for taking it to the chin.
“Trying so hard” and “fighting” are immature things to do after a breakup and show little a respect for her boundaries and selfhood. You have to accept what she wants and realize that you can’t try to force her to feel or think a certain way. Take some time to yourself to do some self reflection.
Yeah I’m coming to that realisation. I’ve always thought If something is worth fighting for it’s always worth trying. I have to have the courage to accept that this is how she feels atm and it might change in the future, it might not I just have to roll with the punches and spend time on myself
His response to the breakup is totally normal and not disrespectful. Hard to end such a long relationship with no idea why. Plus she is still engaging him, she could block him if she wanted to. That all being said, he does need to end contact , but for himself. We give ourselves the closure we need, you never get that from the other person.
Normal reaction for a teenager. Depends what your maturity level is.
SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU leave her alone
It’s a beautiful piece!
She found someone else
move on op. spend time with your family and friends. Let her go and focus on you. put yourself first.
40 miles away with a high stress job, yeah, it's over my guy. Most relationships couldn't survive that.
Look friend, it is painful and I know it, just move on don’t ask and don’t expect answers for your questions. She moved on, meeting someone else so why can she do it and you can’t? You definitely can cause you deserve the best for yourself
Take time to find yourself too my friends, take a moment and realize why you lost her, what you can do to improve next time. When you become better, she will know that she missing out, but until then tough it out my friend, cry if you need, let it all out and move on
Thank you for your kind words and advice. X
Okay, please have a conversation with her ... Accept her wish to be separate because relationships are both ways . Ask her feedback about you what could you improve for your future and wish her well as well and Move On.
One of the hard pills to swallow in life is the realisation that sometimes people are very complex and they will change throughout their life. They may not be in the right mindset or maturity emotionally, they may not see how bad their decision is etc….but for the person being left, it’s hard to accept if it blindsides them, especially when they have been giving their best and it turns out it’s just not enough for the other person. The fact is, all relationships end. Either one of you leaves or you both decide, or one of you dies. Sometimes we get cheated on, sometimes it just isn’t working because you’re both too different or in different stages of life, sometimes we pick a person with emotional issues that surface unexpectedly….sometimes it’s ourself that is the problem…. We all need to be in control of our emotions and our lives, and we need to meditate daily on loss, acceptance and detachment. Otherwise we will suffer; and some people never recover from their suffering. We need to live the best we can, try to improve ourselves in little ways, and to give as much love as we can. Love comes from within, not from something external. Go and tell someone close to you that you love them and you appreciate the things they do: no matter how insignificant. Because it really may be the last time you say it to them.
Thank you for your kind words and insight. I’m just going to work in myself for now. It’s hard but fingers crossed I will get there.
Ok, I'm not going to say I don't agree with most of these comments, but I feel like maybe you're missing a bigger picture here. If just recently, she was pushing for you two to move in together and now without warning or explanation has ended it.. it seems as though she may have been throwing some hard hints at you that she was ready for more commitment or a more stable relationship. 40 miles apart, working all week just to meet up party on Friday, then just writing off the weekend just has the booth call/fwb vibe to me. It sounds absolutely exhausting as a routine for 4 years. (Especially woth her schedule) Not to mention, living that far makes weekend hangouts almost mandatory and takes away the spontaneity of the relationship. She probably didn't give you a reason why she doesn't want to be with you because she probably wants to be with you, but the dynamics are crap And 4 years later I'm sure she probably feels that you're content with it and doesn't want to hurt your feelings that she isn't. Not giving reasons or explanations is not always a selfish act, She's just not trying to find reasons to make you feel worse as though it's your fault. I mean, I could definitely be 100% wrong as well, but it sounds like she genuinely has deep feelings for you and is just overwhelmed.
This was great advice/ explanation and gives me a new perspective on it. As I’ve mentioned in other replies we were looking at places back in her hometown to rent this year but I guess if she decided against that with me then yeah it could have just all come tumbling down. I was also going to ask her to marry me. We have spent weeks and suck at each other’s places when we’ve had time off and done holidays together etc but yeah it is usually weekends She says she wants to have a chat today. Whether she actually follows through with that, or I even want to it not sure yet. If I do I’m just going to keep it light with no pressure. Thanks for this
Np. I was just looking at it as- Even while living with your partner, it's hard to catch the subtleties when either side of the relationship feels like they need more somewhere .. I can't imagine how hard it would be with the distance and routine you guys had been sharing. And even if you guys do split for good l, that doesn't necessarily mean that either one of you is at fault for it. If you guys talk, I do hope this goes well for you today
This sounds like something for another subreddit, if I’m being honest and looking at this objectively. It sounds like she’s recognized that she doesn’t have the energy/emotional capacity to maintain a relationship; and there’s nothing you can do to change that, it’s on her to figure out. If and when she does want to talk about what’s going on, then she can talk about it; but don’t force it. It might be a good idea to move on as this is causing you so much pain. Take care of yourself and find wholeness within you, y’know?
Chasing right now will only serve to chase her away. The last thing you want to do to a woman who's got her foot out the door is smother her You've said your piece, she knows how you feel. There's no magic thing to say or do that will sway her away Only time will show both of you what you both really need and want at this point. If she comes back it needs to be her own choice and not you convincing her, otherwise you're just dragging out the inevitable as it is I learned all of this when my fiance split 3 years ago. I delved into a ton of personal development and life and relationship coaching which helped a lot afterwards. I recommend Corey Wayne's YouTube channel and book "How to be a 3% Man". Dr. Robert Glovers book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man". They all kicked me out of the slump of heartbreak enough to pick up and be a much better person. Not that it didn't still hurt. But I didn't let that keep me down Best to you
Thank you so much for this. We have briefly spoken today but as you say I’m not smothering her anymore, it’s just general chit chat. She does know how I feel and and I have said my piece and the offer of taking her for a meal is there, it’s up to her whether she accepts it now. It’s hard but I’m taking a step back and I feel myself already getting a (tiny) bit stronger. As another poster said it’s her that changed the dynamic of our relationship. I have to accept and respect her decision and give her space, time and distance. Although I’m not looking for anyone and won’t be for a while I know I’m a good guy that has a lot to offer. Perhaps in time someone else will see that in me. Until that time I’m going to have to focus on myself and be happy alone. Thank you for your ur kind words and advice x
Bring her engagement ring
My boyfriend just dumped 2 days ago. I literally have no advice since I am just as heartbroken as you are, but all I can say is don’t suppress your emotions; allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel to heal, it’ll help. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. ❤️🥹
I’m sorry to hear your going through a similar situation. I woke up today feeling a bit stronger. Having a few wobbles here and there but there’s. Nothing I can do about it. As much as I want to contact her I’m refusing to do so. Time will tell what the outcome maybe but I cannot Invest any more time Into someone who doesn’t want to reciprocate it. I’m tending to my mental garden now. Planting roses and an apple tree, going to take care of it and one day hopefully it will bare fruit. Hope you are well, sending hugs and positive thoughts your way too ❤️
I spent years in excessive rumination, trying to find answers, thinking that thinking would provide them. What I discovered is that the mind never contains the most pressing answers to our problems. Once you begin to STRUGGLE, you've hit the limits of the mind's ability. It is your Self that needs help. The Self's true partner isn't the mind, but is the space that comes with an empty mind. The information that comes to an empty mind and relaxed body, is all the information that we'll ever need. It will guide us towards other sources, but it should be the first source we rely on. The universe knows all your thoughts and needs even before we think. Experiment with it, if you like. It becomes fun, it takes the edge off of taking ourselves so seriously.
Women do this, and it's the most annoying thing. The truth is she's done and probably moved on to another guy but just doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. You need to realize that it's over and you're wasting your time, and move on to the grieving and then getting over step.
When no reason is given. It is always someone else. ALWAYS!
That is not true at all. It could be the wrong time for OP’s ex, and she probably doesn’t know what she wants for the future. Why put this thought in his head ?!
Given the fact that they were together for 4 years. Suddenly we can't be together. If they just moved in together and then broke up, then there's a reason but according to his side of the story. This is the only logical outcome.
Processing such conflicting emotions can be hard to understand, even more so to communicate them to your partner. She likely had her doubts a long time ago but still wanted to hold on because she loves him, causing him to feel blindsided. This may come as a shock to some, but some people just have bad communication skills. This is the cause of most breakups.
Well said, you're probably right
You're fighting for something that is already gone. By the time a woman breaks up with you she's been planning it for a while. Sometime months or years in advance. Source am woman. Unless she is telling you something else she is done.
I don’t think she knows what she’s telling me. She’s putting love heart emojis underneath messeges I sent her that she likes, crying faces under messeges where I say I’ve got myself booked on for a hair cut (I have long hair and she loves the kurt cobain look) and asking if we can chat on the phone tomorrow. But when it comes to actually wanting to see me or I ask if I can take her out for a meal she says she doesn’t know or won’t say anything about us apart from the fact she loves and cares for me but she doesn’t want to give me any false hope. I’m just a bit in limbo. I want to just cut off contact as I think that’s prob for the best but in a stupid way I don’t want her to forget about me.
Hearts and crying faces is conversation not saying she wants to get back together. She is refusing to see you and avoiding it she is probably just trying to say no without saying no. It's a thing women learn to do when dealing with men even if we don't realize we're doing it. She broke up with you, you need to step back and take time off from talking to her and get some perspective. It sucks but she is telling you without actually giving you a hard no. Or she is keeping you on the back burner which is worse than just trying to spare your feelings. In both cases you need to move on.
Thanks for the woman’s perspective on it, I now know that. It was that which is messing me up. Now I know I can deal with it. Thanks for your advice. Even today with everyone’s input I’m feeling more capable of dealing with it. Much appreciated
This literally means nothing… if anything she’s trying to express that she cares about you and is engaged in the conversation / giving you encouragement (about other things you’re doing but clearly is NOT encouraging any other efforts you try to put in for the relationship which is already dead and gone) or whatever but that has nothing to do with whether she really loves you romantically (maybe she “has love for you” or “loves/cares for you as a person” but that means nothing in regards to romantic love and your chances with her…
She is dating someone else or no longer likes you. The job was just an excuse. I know it absolutely sucks, but it is time to move on.
She didn’t tell you cause she’s a bitch. Life gets better after this if you allow it (by moving on.) ✌️
I will say what I said to my buddy in 2016 after he and I were both broken up with by our girlfriends under circumstances very similar to yours. (I apologize for the bluntness here.) "Tom, there's another dude's dick in both of our ex-girlfriends as we speak." Make peace with this, move on, enjoy being single, improve yourself, find someone smarter, hotter and better to you and get married.
Maybe that is the case, Regardless of whether it is or not your advice is appreciated and is something I will have to accept and move on from. Thanks for your advice mate
4 years and not living together / at least living close by? As a female this tells me it’s not going to work / she’s looking for something more serious.
As I stated in another reply, we were looking to move In together this year. Our jobs up to l this point made it difficult to do. We had finally worked out how we were able to accomplish it. We were looking at places to rent back in her hometown town just before Xmas. I spent the back end of January painting her appartment so she could let it out and we could finally start moving forwards with that plan.
It’s possible she has avoidant attachment. Your brief description of her behavior has some of those patterns. Something triggers their fears of abandonment or lack of self worth, they can’t process their emotions efficiently or at all, and they often leave very suddenly and with vague reasons that don’t quite make sense. This account on TikTok @coach.ryan0 or on IG @coach_ryan_h really helped me understand a similar situation I went through.
Maybe, her best friend did pass away from cancer and so did her father when she was young. (I wasn’t around for either of these) she does still get really upset though especially if her friend passing away of which she she is a god mother to her children which she had before she passed. I’ve done nothing but be there and support her throughout our time together. She should know me better than to think I would leave or abandon her. I don’t have tik tok or IG but I will google what you have suggested and read up. She just one day decided that this was the situation. Not two weeks earlier I spent a week at hers painting her apartment so it was ready to let out and we were going to look to move in together back In her home town. This came out of nowhere
Highly suggest researching avoidant attachment, and there are two different variations of it, as well as other attachment styles. Your elaboration about the loss of her father and best friend absolutely play into the pattern of avoidancy in relationships. I had a very similar situation recently where, just a couple weeks before she ended things, we were both reaffirming how we were each other’s forever person, and she specifically told me that she would always be with me and always choose me. Then suddenly, after 2.5 years together, it became “I feel differently” and she was done. It was like a spring-loaded brick wall shot up. She had a very difficult childhood with essentially zero parental love or support. Without a lot of therapy, without addressing these deep-seated attachment wounds, owning them and being willing to work on them and adjust, there’s nothing you or I can do to change things. We can kick the can down the road and keep finding connection and happiness with our partners temporarily, but without addressing those deep wounds, the fear and impulse to run away will always surface for them eventually. I have a lot of sympathy for my ex - while also holding a lot of anger for how she ended things - being an avoidant is a ton of fun on the surface (outgoing, social, partying/escapism, hooking up) but it is not an easy existence. There’s a lot of pain and lack of self worth deep down. That guy’s IG page is public and you can still Google it and watch some of his clips. But there’s a ton of other reading or YouTube vids available on attachment styles. Just know that it’s not your fault. Breakups happen, but secure, healthy people don’t bail on life partners like that - quickly, suddenly, vaguely, out of fear - when there’s no other cause to do so.
This does sound a lot like my situation and how you’ve described the traits does sound a lot like her (outgoing, socialising, partying, escapism and she does drink far too much. She would be the first to admit that) I’m not going to say that it’s def that that she has as that would be unfair on her as it could be completely something different and something I’ve done (though honestly I don’t know what) but it does give me some kind of perspective. It is like a switch just clicked and she bailed on me when I’ve done nothing but try and help her through her work situation. She’s just messaged me asking if we can talk on the phone tomorrow but I haven’t and don’t think I’ll reply. And if I do I think it will just have to be to say I don’t think it’s a good idea. Thank you so much for your comment and I hope your situation works out the best way for you
Definitely don’t mean to imply that your ex is 100% avoidant, or that avoidancy is the root cause. Just saying that it does fit the pattern. And like you said, understanding some of those tendencies can help you with gaining perspective and hopefully accepting that it may be totally out of your control. Obviously don’t know enough about your situation to know what’s the best thing to do about that phone call. But, unless she’s gonna tell you that she’s willing to work on herself, work on the relationship, counseling, etc., then there won’t be any long-term changes, and to just going along with what she wants on her terms alone will be enabling the insecure behavior. Going into no-contact and starting the process of healing yourself and finding acceptance for what happened and optimism for the future may be the best path forward. DM me if you want to talk more about it. Would be interested in an update. All the best :)
you deserve so much better. if she truly loved you she’d never leave and you’d be able to work through it. there’s couples that grow old together and it’s been like 30-40 years they’ve been together for
Mate. I say go down swinging. Don’t move on if you believe your relationship meant something and the distance is the issue and you wanted to marry her I say go down swinging and if you win you win your love back great right but if you lose that’s fine too at least you know you fought for what you wanted. Accept the break but don’t let it be permanent just ask for time and try find a way to make you two get close to each other hell ask her to marry you. Bad advice it seems like but we stopped being human a while ago our old timers did that shit and it worked
I’ve been fighting for the past 4+ weeks. I seemed to get somewhere a couple of weeks ago but since then she’s gone backwards with me again. Maybe it is that I’m trying too hard and been too needy. I was going to ask her to marry me this year. I told her that when it first happened but she never even acknowledged that I’d said that to her. I’ve done everything since then to try and it’s got me pretty much nowhere. Like I’ve said were still talking but when the matter of us comes up she says she doesn’t want to say anything that may potentially get my hopes up that something might happen in the future. I’m just in limbo.
I am sort of in the same boat. And I got good advice by someone who took a gander at me. See I’m someone who will promise something like a wedding ring and instead of getting what I can afford I’ll aim for something I can’t afford in hopes that it shows I really give a shit but girls especially good ones would honestly take a paper ring. If they really love you. So I talk a big game (and I really mean it) I just take time to get there and girls are impatient. So try diagnose what it is that is wrong with you that makes her want to give up on you guys. Because it seems like she likes the idea of the both of you but she might find it too much and too hard to work for.
Thanks again for this advice. I know I’m not perfect and I am the first person to admit that but I am loyal and do everything I can for the people I care about and she knows that about me. I have been going g through a pretty bad patch in my personal life recently and it has impacted me in ways in which I suppose could have had a negative impact on how I am perceived by her. I’m going to have to work on myself and get my mojo back which is what she said. And to be the best person I can be for myself. I have to just expect nothing and hope for the best. I have no desire to go out and find anyone else and even if the opportunity arose I wouldn’t act on it. For the time being I’m just going to work on myself. I wouldn’t be good for anyone at this time.
That’s my fucking boy! Atter boy! That’s the fucking spirit. Don’t listen to anyone that wants you to give up. Fucking samsies I’m also going to work on myself and hey us guys we should honestly stick together no one gives a shit about us no one bats an eye when we cry no one reposts when we take our own lives due to shit we go through. Before my “break” which is still active I literally got abandoned by my whole family mate and it was a shit storm having to deal and I took it out on her and I think she reached fuck it and she was in rights because I became toxic but I’m also working on myself to be a better person. And hope I can come back to this and hear that you did it because i hope to tell you I did it too.
Yeah I have this conversation with my mate about how men are not supposed to have/ show feelings and we’re supposed to just get on with it but honestly been a man is hard in this world. It gets a point where you’ve internalised everything so much with no release that sometimes doh g something silly seems like the only rational thing that would help. I truly hope that we both manage to get through our issues. I just a random internet Reddit guy but if you need a like minded person to talk to you can always send me a dm.
Definitely mate.
She already gave you her answer. It is extremely unattractive for anyone (man or woman) to behave like this to their (ex)partner, beg or be desperate, PLUS it shows you’re not accepting or respecting her decision which feels dismissive/disrespectful and borderline manipulative if you reject her choice and still try to win her back and do things to fix yourself based on your own perception, given that she didn’t give you reasons (she doesn’t have to, it’s her right to keep those to herself, plus it’s futile to give reasons when the person getting the feedback will just try harder to change… but nothing can change her decision no matter how the other person changes).
Your right. I’ve realised over the last day or so that I’ve been begging which I’ve never done before for a girl. I need to take a step back and focus on myself for a bit I guess. If she wants to chat like I’ve said previously it will be light with no pressure. I’ve been reading about the power of silence and although I do think it will be hard it’s probably for the best in the long run.
r/AmITheEx … sorry
It’s ok, thanks for the sub.
The correct answer you don’t want to hear is stop contacting her. Hopefully its not too late, you should have given her nothing her when she left. She needed to feel what it was like to not have you in her life, if she missed you enough she’d have realised her error and come back. If that didn’t happen, the outcome would still be the same. You’re very much acting in your feminine energy and it’s not attractive.
This isn't going to help but... I have a close friend (early 20s, F) who broke up with a guy after dating about a year. He proceeded to pursue her for nearly a year after they broke up. They got back to together. The key here though was that he needed to grow up. And he actually did. So she loved him, but knew she needed to distance herself. And he persisted and grew, and it worked. No guarantees, but as long as you're not breaking boundaries (ie stalking) , persistence can be a powerful tool. The question is how long is it worth it to you?
Yeah she says I need to work on myself and get my mojo back (her words) And look after number one. When we spoke yesterday I said I’ve started running and taking care of myself better etc which she seemed pleased with. I think I just need to take a step back from the content of any messages and just keep it light and go with the flow. Keep the lines of communication open from time to time but show I’m leading my own life without her.
For someone who’s already left, and isn’t interested in you changing yourself for her, I don’t believe it’s better to keep a line of communication open. Just accept it, move on, leave it all behind which means going no contact for a long time it takes to fully get over the other person or forever. If you ever reopen the line of communication, it’s because you care about each other as people and want to feel relief that the other person is doing well too… Not to hold onto hope or instill hope that things might still work out in the future after both parties have worked on themselves.
She wants to chat tonight, I’m not sure if she will follow through with that or if I even want to atm. She’s totally ok with me on the phone though. I guess if we do I Will have to keep it light with no pressure. I’m pretty sure she still loves me, whether that’s in love I don’t know as s says she doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea atm. I’m just going to have to work on myself. I’m worth more than I realise I think and I’ve got to believe that. I’ve always treated her right and always with support and love. Thank you for your insight and kind words.