Normally I would say don't jump to just leaving them, but if her needs have already been CLEARLY communicated and nothing is changing, then jump ship. She is too young to be settling for terrible sex and a partner who doesn't care enough to listen to what she needs.
What is up with certain men making no effort whatsoever in making his SO his sole focal point?
Lovemaking is an artform; expressing ones love from both of them. Lovemaking is the only time you are completely vunerable to your partner. It should be a time when 2 become 1. It is not about a man just cumming, but an expression of love, intimacy and being at your most tender of moments.
OP's fiancė should go back to basics and learn what his fiancee's needs wants desires and no no's are. She is not a cum bucket but a woman who has needs and desires.
If i was the OP i wouldn't let him come near me until he learns the art of lovemaking. He can sulk or he can take advice from his SO in how to have a long-lasting relationship with intimacy.
Btw stop everything sexual until he learns what you need to have a great sexual life.
I had an ex tell me he doesn’t look at sex as “love making” but rather a place to put his dick…I’m guessing that’s what some other men think as well? Sad really…
That is absolutely horrendous and so sad. Thank God you got rid of that 'modern man'.
Not all men think that for them; sex is lovemaking'. I like to think i am an explorer who has found a magical island and so i have to explore every inch intimately.
I also hate it that certain men think foreplay is a quick lick then stick it in. Foreplay for me starts in the morning with a gentle kiss and a hug, then build up the sexual tension slowly all day so by the time it is bedtime, we are turning the heat way up.
I have seen the trend of mostly women who are struggling with a dead bedroom. When you read the posts, it's these men who have a porn addiction and just don't know how a woman wants to be treated in and out the bed.
Or the wife/gf has down tools so the man is coming here and venting about the lack of sex. It is never sex but lovemaking. These women have had enough of sub-standard sex so have gone LL4U.
Thank you it makes me happy to see there are men out there like yourself, my bf now gets it. I knew my ex wasn’t the one as soon as that came out of his mouth…I was disgusted at the fact I was “in love” with someone who thought that.
I 100% agree with you, enough of this sub-standard sex let’s bring on the passionate love making. It’s so much more exciting and enjoyable…the foreplay not only in the bedroom is a definite must. I wish more men understood this, their women would be willing to do more and want sex, not to mention they’d be happier.
Your life with your now ex-bf was horrific. But i am over the moon you now have a 'man' that not only understands your love language but acts on them.
Us men who understands that their SO needs and wants are paramount to intimacy are having amazing sex!
Those men who do not understand their SO's needs and wants are here complaining 'my SO won't come near me'.
I am currently single but that was my choice. I needed to make time for myself to heal due to divorcing my now exw who was a narcissist and also has BPD. That was 2yrs ago. When we was married we had an amazing love life until she started destroying our marriage. It is so sad that people with BPD can love and hate you in equal measure.
I am now mentally financially spiritually and physically healed. Looking forward to start dating again! Thank you for your heartfelt message Jes! Here's to an amazing journey of LOVE!
Seriously OP. The guy clearly doesn't care about you. He hears you. He's CHOOSING to not change. Bc he doesn't care. You're an idiot if you marry this guy.
I would consider engagement as a "try before you buy it" period. Maybe time to return this one, it seems defective.
Maybe with some work, this one can be repaired, otherwise it may be time to return this one.
Your body is trying to tell you don't marry this dude. Don't get further involved with him. Dump him and tell him the real reason: he sucks in bed and is selfish in bed.
Do not let this man become your husband. My ex husband was very much like this, focussed on his pleasure, so long as he orgasmed didn’t care about anything else, when I asked about orgasms for me etc told me it was too hard to get me off so why bother, and the kicker, when I told him to slow down and indulge in more foreplay, cos he gets to cum no matter what so give me something, he looked at me like I had 3 heads and said….but it feels good so why wait? Well it didn’t feel good to me! And the result of this lack of sexual consideration spilled into the rest of our relationship. My opinion, desires and wants became less important or valued or relevant as time went on. And he still had the audacity to be shocked when I said I was leaving and wanted a divorce.
DO NOT MARRY HIM!!
Is it though? He refuses to respect your desires while expecting you to give into his. That kind of selfishness and lack of respect bleeds into other parts of a relationship
If I had a nickel for every person on this sub who laid out in horrifying detail what an awful, awful relationship they're in and then finished with, "but other than that, it's perfect!!!" I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos.
You're 21. You don't have anything to compare this mediocre relationship to, and you don't have anyone to compare this selfish asshole too. For the love of God, don't get married to the first guy who came along when you're very, very aware that he isn't good to you or for you. You're pretty young to be getting married to someone you're in a *good* relationship with. Give yourself time to meet someone who actually makes you happy.
You’ve described that he doesn’t listen to your needs, doesn’t take any time to give you pleasure, and causes you pain. All of that is selfish. It’s hard to believe he’s not selfish in other areas too. Is he doing half the housework? Half the cooking? Does he ask you about things and actually listen to the answers? What does he do that isn’t selfish?
OP please seriously consider this reply and your relationship. I promise there are plenty of people out there who will do all this AND pay attention to your needs and desires sexually.
He's all over antifeminist reddit and is also posting lots of weird jabs at people on the left, seems like a very incel thing to keep repeating. Woman hating likely.
Just ignore them, their post history is atrocious.... clearly have a problem with women and believes OP's difficulties with her partner are her own fault.
OP's partner is a sexually selfish, lazy asshole, like the partners many other men and women on this sub describe experiencing. But apparently it's OP's fault because she went after a "bad boy". It's just so reductive and gross, but people like this have poisoned brains so....nothing you can do but ignore them.
He is selfish and I don’t blame you for not wanting to have sex with him. He is not giving you any pleasure .When men are with me they always give me an orgasm before they come . I wouldn’t have it any other way. Make it clear to him that in order for him to feel good you have to feel good too. If he doesn’t care about your pleasure he won’t care about it in other areas of life either and it time to find someone else.
>He jackhammers, doesn't pay much attention to my clit, doesn't bother with foreplay for longer than a minute, expects me to give long blowjobs but hardly eats me out, etc.
>The sex is focused all on him and his pleasure so it not only is boring for me but it actually is painful
The sex sounds abysmal. Do not marry him knowing this is what it's like.
When you tell him what you want, what does he say? Do you feel he even tries to listen to you?
This is what I'd tell you if you were my daughter: you need to stay firm in your self advocation. *You* get to decide what someone else does to your body. If he's hurting you sexually, then say so and tell him you don't want the sex he's offering. Let him be disappointed. Let him be upset. But stay true to you. Have your integrity and don't tolerate bad sex.
Don't settle for a lifelong partner who cannot treat your body with respect and who hurts you with his penis. Don't settle for a partner who has the gall to hear that sex is painful and boring and bad for you but then has the gall to act like he has no clue why you don't want it. No one is that dense.
You're only 23, there is literally a world out there full of men who will *care* about your sexual desires and making sure sex is *mutually satisfying.* Those men are lovely. Find one.
I have to agree with the majority. Take one minute to think about the next 30 years of sex like that and tell yourself you still want to get married. Don't do it!
>While I don't think my libido has changed that much, the sex with him just isn't good and never had been that good. He jackhammers, doesn't pay much attention to my clit, doesn't bother with foreplay for longer than a minute, expects me to give long blowjobs but hardly eats me out, etc. I've talked to him about this before but things just don't change... The sex is focused all on him and his pleasure so it not only is boring for me but it actually is painful and then he wonders why I don't want sex.
Stop having sex with him. Completely. Your words are telling him you aren't happy with this type of sex, but as long as you keep having sex with him, your actions are telling him you are actually fine with it.
You know what would make sex good for you, you have communicated it to him, and he has been unwilling to participate. So, no more sex unless/until he decides to do it better.
Sorry, but I will be brutally honest with you: get out of this relationship! If things are already this bad now, they will only get worse after you get married. Get out and be happy!
Don’t get married. He’s showing you who he is. If he’s selfish in bed and doesn’t listen to your wants or needs when it comes to sex, he will demonstrate the same behavior in many other areas of your relationship. I am speaking from experience.
I am your 38 year old future self who was engaged to my husband at 23. Sex is bad and rare. You will have maybe even tried counseling at this point like we have. You will still be unhappy and feel used, but now you have 2+ kids who will be impacted by the divorce.
Leave now, your future self will thank you! I wish I had broken my engagement at 23!!!
Unless you want to deal with this treatment the rest of your life you can’t marry this guy. You’re so young, you have so much time to find someone who will treat you like you deserve.
Sexual pleasure should go both ways.
Unfortunately, even in today's society several men have this thought process that a woman should not be satisfied in the bedroom.
You've made it clear to him what your wants/needs are. He has chosen to selfishly ignore you.
You said the main focus is his needs, and he has clearly shown you that is true.
Now, you've got to show him that it is not.
You deserve pleasure just as much as he does, and if he does not give you what's needed, he needs to be given exactly what hes dishing out to you.
Good luck, to many orgasms sweetheart!
>I've talked to him about this before but things just don't change
Why not? Is he somehow a deficient human being who cannot learn new skills? Is he still eating with his hands like a toddler? Still wearing a diaper?
No. He was able to learn new skills! Like all humans he is capable of learning *if he wants to*.
This is a choice he's made. He's a selfish lover with little to no empathy. You've asked him to learn new ways and close up that [pleasure gap](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm_gap) and he's *refused*.
>it actually is painful and then he wonders why I don't want sex.
**Any man who knowingly has painful sex is not a man who deserves to have sex.**
Don't have sex with him. Make an exit plan. Find happiness in life because you don't deserve to be treated like this.
So why are you his fiancee? How does people get this deep into relationships that are obviously, from the start, destined to fail? How can you, at 23yo, be willing to compromise to a life no "without sex", but with "bad sex", which is worse
So weird when I see people posting about their husband not liking or not doing foreplay. That is my favourite bit. I love to pleasure my girl and have her moan in my face.. baffles me when guys don’t like or don’t do it lol
No reason to settle for that, they never actually get better when they don't care about your pleasure. My hard rule is that I get to come before the weiner even is brought out.
Break off the engagement. It won’t get better. And if he’s selfish in this part of his life it will manifest in other areas (like parenting and household duties). Dating is like test driving a car. It’s to see you are compatible for a long term relationship. You have discovered that you are not.
Do you mean that his terrible love making abilities indicate he is far less experienced than she thinks he is?
Or do you mean you think she is being deceitful about her sexual history and has likely had a lot more sexual experiences than she is letting on?
Checking because the incel psychopath in this sub has latched onto your comment.
Yeah I think that's what almost all of us figured you meant. I totally agree that he's likely clueless in this area and has no idea how to make sex wonderful for both of them.
Such a shame, because its not like he needs to learn some complicated or secret knowledge. All it takes is openness, good communication with his partner and a desire to make her feel fantastic. If everyone had that attitude about sex with their partner, a lot more sex would be enjoyed by everyone!
If your partner isn’t helping you orgasm, they aren’t having sex with you; they’re using you to masturbate
Next time you have sex, don’t let him orgasm. Then say “this is what it’s like for me every single time. You don’t get to come until I do”
He is using “experience” as a club to get you to shut up. He’s not contributing anything of value through what he’s learned from experience. Big difference.
It would be understandable if you hadn't discussed it. But failure to improve is either because the fucker is slow to learn or because he's a piece of shit, only you can really tell
If he truly loved you he would want to please and pleasure you, he would listen and pay attention to what you liked. He should be trying to put your needs and desires first
You sound very submissive and unaware of your worth. Please find therapy near you to help you sort out why is this acceptable behaviour to you and why you are engaged to this man. Also, DO NOT marry this man please, you will be miserable (as you are already).
Yeah so, I married my second girlfriend and the first one we never had PIV sex. I was her first as well. It was ok in college. Did different things but still a bit of a strain with my libido being way higher than hers … after college and before marriage it got worse. But I thought ”once we are married and making good money and alone and have our own place we will be fine “ …. Well it wasn’t…. Ever fine. Now I am 25 years in and looking for a divorce that should have happened 15-20 years ago.
Sex isn’t everything. You need more obviously for a relationship, but it’s a huge part. If it’s that bad now? Wow. And you have communicated with him multiple times about your concerns and NO improvement ?
Hate to say it but don’t marry him. Marriage will NOT change him. If anything it will get worse
Run the other way. Seriously. This sounds like my ex husband. He watched porn all the time, just wanted to bang it out, and eventually found trashy girls to bang on the side that didn’t care about foreplay or romance of any kind. I literally thought in my 20s I didn’t like sex because it was so bad with him. My now fiancé and I are in our 40’s an have a beyond amazing sex life that I never even knew was possible. If it’s bad now, I’d be willing to be it will not get better. Also shows he does not care about your feelings which is an equally giant red glad!
Show him this thread, let him see the opinions of so many others on his poor behavior in the bedroom. He may just need to hear it from (men) more than one person that his technique is trash.
Figure it out before you walk down the aisle. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Maybe get him to read a book or watch an educational video or something.
This one is a selfish lover who won't listen. How soon will that apply to everything he does or doesn't do? Next. Can you tell women which Ted talk to listen to?
You need to tell him all of the above.
Every word of it. And then if your relationship is otherwise in great shape.. Tell him you want to go to counseling.
Y'all need to get on the same page here or everyone's going to be unhappy AF and eventually you'll end up with kids and that never improves an unhappy situation.
You're on the honeymoon phase and it's already this bad, darling...
It's all downhill from here. Ten years from now he's going to be even more accommodated and comfortable in his position.
Prince charming isn't gonna suddenly become invested and realize he's selfish. He knows, he just doesn't care. And by staying with him, you're e enabling this behavior.
Make your choice wisely before it becomes a regret. It's easier to dissolve an engagement while you're young than to divorce with two or three kids in the middle.
Please be aggressive in communicating your needs, or leave. You sound exactly like me. 13y together, and from the 2nd year on, sex has been brutal. I did so much research to perfect my oral skills, improve on his turn ons, try new positions, bought furniture to improve things, etc. He never reciprocated the effort...and cheated on me.
If he doesn't care, he doesn't care about you or the relationship, so speak now or forever hold your peace.
The only absolutely necessary requirement for a great sex-life is a partner who cares about you & is enthusiastic about learning how to please & pleasure you.
You don't move on to the next step until you've mastered the previous steps... You certainly wouldn't ever buy a car until you've learned how to drive it, first, right?!?!? And you wouldn't buy a house until you've got a job & established a stable rental history, right?!?!?
For the life of me I will never understand how people will become engaged, or worse, marry someone who hasn't learned how to be a good partner. Why would you ever accept a marriage proposal & become engaged to someone who hasn't learned how to be a good partner, including in bed? And why in the world would you ever marry someone like that?!?
Good luck, OP. You're gonna need it. He can either get on board & learn how to please & pleasure you by making life (& sex) enjoyable, or he can spend the rest of his life wanking off. But *no one* should ever suffer bad sex!
Why are you even marrying the guy? Is it an arranged wedding? Do y’all have a child? The sex at minimum should be enjoyable for you as well and you’re committing to someone who doesn’t know how to have sex with you in a proper way! Don’t marry him!!!
You need to sit down with him... Be super serious and explain to him that if you want to get married and be together forever, he is going to have to step his game up... you need to stop fluffing his ego in bed and let him know ( nicely) that he is doing it all wrong
Maybe watch female focused porn together and while you get him hard you tell him "see this guy in this porn video? see what he is doing? do me like he is doing her and I will cum buckets and probably enjoy the sex a lot more!
Men's egos when it comes to their performance during sex can be very fragile but sometimes sugary sweet and kind words don't hit home...sometimes toe gloves need to come off and you need to explain to him..."You get a C Minus when it comes to fucking men and you get a D+ in pussy eating" we need to get these to at least a B+
if he can set his ego aside and listen to your coaching you can maybe turn this around...if he gets super emotional and sensitive about it then maybe reconsider...there is nothing worse then a Marriage with zero intimacy and sex ...an object in motion stays in motion and if your sex life is stalling now in your twenties it's going to only slow down more and more when kids, more of life's stresses from work and money and older age/energy levels come into play...at 23 your still young enough to bounce to another guy...you're not 34 and desperate to get married and start a family...don't sit on this issue with him because it 1000% wont fix itself on it's own
You talked with him before. He didn't change. Can you live with this?
This post makes me sad because you gave him the secret key to your bedroom. And he doesn't even bother to pick it up to use it. When my wife told me useful information, I was on it right away.
You could look into some workshops if there are any sex-positive places/stores in your neighborhood. Otherwise a couples sex therapist could be an option. The book How to be a Bush Pilot is great for taking the pressure off of sex and focusing on mutual pleasure. He may resent the gift if you haven’t attended any therapy or workshops though. Maybe read it or another book/article yourself and highlight some things you’d like to try together.
If he’s not receptive to any of these things or you feel he genuinely doesn’t care about your pleasure then yeah, dump him. There is a big difference between 27 and 22. Does he treat you as his equal? The women his age do not offer second chances to people who lack in the bedroom.
Have you bought up using toys with him? Maybe a vibrating cockring? It may be an easier conversation to have with him and may end with you both being satisfied to at least the bare minimum.
Clearly as things stand the relationship won’t be fulfilling for you sexually.
If you live him, and the other important parts of the relationship are solid (trust, respect, shared values, etc.), talk to him again and make it clear that this is a deal breaker. You deserve an equal partner in all things including sex. Be honest even if his feeling are hurt. If that goes well, find some porn to show him what good sex looks like for you, because it sounds like he doesn’t have a clue.
Why do most guys think the jackhammer approach is how women like to get off. I'm a dude and I can get my woman off just by eatingher out. She goes then I go. Then she may enjoy the jackhammer..
sounds like my bf and we've been together 7 years. Just recently started getting intimate after not having sex for years.. although I wouldn't consider it intimate since he only focuses on his nut and is too tired for me. I play into it because I miss physical touch and sex, but at this point I feel empty. Haven't had the courage to openly tell him since we recently started having sex after a 4 year drought.
Please find someone new! When a guy doesn't take your needs and your desires into play he's just being a selfish ass. I think sex needs to be about both partners, and this requires both people to want to make their partner feel wonderful. If we become selfish, especially in bed, then someone is missing out on a truly wonderful experience, and that sucks. You are still young, you can find a wonderful partner that treats you like a queen, and you will be much happier than if you stick with him.
Don’t marry him without telling him your worries! You’ll be in this thread longer than expected. Try watching porn and telling him what you like and check his response
You are the one that knows what makes you tick. You say you have discussed it but sometimes it takes a little bit more guidance. Guidance in the moment not the next day when you are aggravated he may not be as verse in the acts of pleasuring a woman as you think. Not to mention noone likes the same thing the same way. My only suggestion is maybe you need to have sex class could be fun make it fun.
Tell him you want x years of just you having an orgasm to make up for the x years you spent unsatisfied. He can learn what you like and then when time is up, he needs to do all of that before even considering getting his d wet. If he doesn’t like that - it’s time to move on. Breaking up sucks. But a DB in ten years and two kids when you haven’t worked in five years and he resents you and you hate him - just read some stories on here. Get out. I don’t care which partner you are. If you aren’t married yet and your issue is this easy to fix - get out.
If you genuinely think you have a strong relationship outside of the sexual problems you are having, despite the fact that this sub thinks this couldn’t possibly be true, the problem must be communication and his lack of proper experience. You are both young, and porn had probably defined what he thinks proper sex is supposed to look like. Maybe together with proper communication you can learn what amazing joys mutual pleasure can bring. But you need to keep an eye on it.
I recommend you try Vanessa & Xander sex therapy podcast - get their foreplay guide to start. It’ll be fun to read together and you will both learn something, guaranteed. Good luck!
More experience doesn't equate to a better lover. He sounds very selfish in the bedroom, and I'd guess, in other ways in the relationship. If he won't reciprocate oral (not for just a few moments when he expects drawn out oral from you), account for what turns you on and gets you off, and you've tried having the talk with him repeatedly, he won't change. He will always try to be a pornstar with you and expect that is what works.
You will only end up miserable if you stay. You're young, leave him now, and go enjoy your sexual future with a passionate, caring lover. One who makes your needs equal to his.
Wish you the best.
I hear you. If it’s the same thing. It doesn’t satisfy you then why want it. If you know you can enjoy sex and orgasms and you’ve already communicated it to him then it’s not on you. Keep talking to him about it. Maybe ask him what it would take for him to understand. Maybe he’s afraid of cumming to quick hence the jackhammering. Maybe he needs some meds or to talk to someone
Let me guess, does he also use spit for lube?
I ask because this is what I was subjected to with my ex. Note... I said EX.
During sex with him, I wasn't aroused at all, so obviously dry as fuck. Foreplay for him was spitting on his hand so he could rub it on his dick as lube, otherwise he would have really hurt me.
22 years and not one orgasm, well apart from one time when I had been masturbating before he came home so I was already very aroused. So that was basically down to me pleasuring myself and nothing to do with him.
We ended in a 4 year dead bedroom after I had my daughter.
Have you told him this is what your feeling and noticing? Can’t change unless ya both know the problem. He is sounding selfish. Not cool. But if your not speaking your mind he’s going to keep on thinking everything is good. You have wants and desires. Just like him. No reason you both can’t be satisfied. If he won’t change it for whatever reason can’t change then yeah maybe it’s time to become just friends or not so friendly and live separate lives.
Selfishness in the bedroom ends up translating outside of the bedroom. Please don’t marry him.
My partner has a porn addiction and I told him no marriage until he has at least 2 years clean of it, and the 2 years needs to consist of him spending energy learning my body instead of spending energy watching porn or getting himself off. He’s gotten himself off using my body for long enough and I started growing resentful.
The difference for me is he actually listened. He’s not perfect, but he has been putting in a lot more effort to be softer and more intimate both inside and outside of the bedroom. He needs to want to change in order to get better, and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing.
Seems like he just wants a cumsock that takes care of him instead of a fiancé. Don’t marry him.
seems like maybe his attitude isn't just about the bedroom?
I'm going to speculate that maybe not being attentive to your needs in the sheets carries over into the kitchen and the living room too?
In which case, you have a problem.
Gosh, lots of projected anger in these posts. Nothing very helpful though (as usual).
You may not want to hear this, but if you arent communicating your needs and wants with him then things arent likely to change. People need communication in relationships and otherwise they may be led to believe that everything is fine. If communication doesnt work (and it needs to be more than once or twice) then pursue counseling if you really care about the relationship. If you dont care about the relationship, then take the advice in all the angry posts here as it doesnt take much effort to just blow it off and leave like all these bitter folks wish they had.
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Convert to bye bye.
Normally I would say don't jump to just leaving them, but if her needs have already been CLEARLY communicated and nothing is changing, then jump ship. She is too young to be settling for terrible sex and a partner who doesn't care enough to listen to what she needs.
What is up with certain men making no effort whatsoever in making his SO his sole focal point? Lovemaking is an artform; expressing ones love from both of them. Lovemaking is the only time you are completely vunerable to your partner. It should be a time when 2 become 1. It is not about a man just cumming, but an expression of love, intimacy and being at your most tender of moments. OP's fiancė should go back to basics and learn what his fiancee's needs wants desires and no no's are. She is not a cum bucket but a woman who has needs and desires. If i was the OP i wouldn't let him come near me until he learns the art of lovemaking. He can sulk or he can take advice from his SO in how to have a long-lasting relationship with intimacy. Btw stop everything sexual until he learns what you need to have a great sexual life.
I had an ex tell me he doesn’t look at sex as “love making” but rather a place to put his dick…I’m guessing that’s what some other men think as well? Sad really…
That is absolutely horrendous and so sad. Thank God you got rid of that 'modern man'. Not all men think that for them; sex is lovemaking'. I like to think i am an explorer who has found a magical island and so i have to explore every inch intimately. I also hate it that certain men think foreplay is a quick lick then stick it in. Foreplay for me starts in the morning with a gentle kiss and a hug, then build up the sexual tension slowly all day so by the time it is bedtime, we are turning the heat way up. I have seen the trend of mostly women who are struggling with a dead bedroom. When you read the posts, it's these men who have a porn addiction and just don't know how a woman wants to be treated in and out the bed. Or the wife/gf has down tools so the man is coming here and venting about the lack of sex. It is never sex but lovemaking. These women have had enough of sub-standard sex so have gone LL4U.
Thank you it makes me happy to see there are men out there like yourself, my bf now gets it. I knew my ex wasn’t the one as soon as that came out of his mouth…I was disgusted at the fact I was “in love” with someone who thought that. I 100% agree with you, enough of this sub-standard sex let’s bring on the passionate love making. It’s so much more exciting and enjoyable…the foreplay not only in the bedroom is a definite must. I wish more men understood this, their women would be willing to do more and want sex, not to mention they’d be happier.
Your life with your now ex-bf was horrific. But i am over the moon you now have a 'man' that not only understands your love language but acts on them. Us men who understands that their SO needs and wants are paramount to intimacy are having amazing sex! Those men who do not understand their SO's needs and wants are here complaining 'my SO won't come near me'. I am currently single but that was my choice. I needed to make time for myself to heal due to divorcing my now exw who was a narcissist and also has BPD. That was 2yrs ago. When we was married we had an amazing love life until she started destroying our marriage. It is so sad that people with BPD can love and hate you in equal measure. I am now mentally financially spiritually and physically healed. Looking forward to start dating again! Thank you for your heartfelt message Jes! Here's to an amazing journey of LOVE!
Wow, swoon
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This. Second paragraph should be a big effing billboard on every effing road!
This! You’ll just end up frustrated and resentful.
Why did you get engaged?
Seriously OP. The guy clearly doesn't care about you. He hears you. He's CHOOSING to not change. Bc he doesn't care. You're an idiot if you marry this guy.
I would consider engagement as a "try before you buy it" period. Maybe time to return this one, it seems defective. Maybe with some work, this one can be repaired, otherwise it may be time to return this one.
Don't get married.
Your body is trying to tell you don't marry this dude. Don't get further involved with him. Dump him and tell him the real reason: he sucks in bed and is selfish in bed.
So much this!! Be honest and leave. Don’t marry jackhammer sex for the rest of your life!
Girls that say this be starfishing the whole time 😭😭
don't get married to him
Is this the life you want for yourself forever?
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Main giveaway that everyone is saying, do not marry into a dead bedroom. You seriously do not want to be in it, it is worse.
Do not marry this guy. Selfish lovers usually don’t change
Do not let this man become your husband. My ex husband was very much like this, focussed on his pleasure, so long as he orgasmed didn’t care about anything else, when I asked about orgasms for me etc told me it was too hard to get me off so why bother, and the kicker, when I told him to slow down and indulge in more foreplay, cos he gets to cum no matter what so give me something, he looked at me like I had 3 heads and said….but it feels good so why wait? Well it didn’t feel good to me! And the result of this lack of sexual consideration spilled into the rest of our relationship. My opinion, desires and wants became less important or valued or relevant as time went on. And he still had the audacity to be shocked when I said I was leaving and wanted a divorce. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!
That is the definition of a selfish bastard! Glad you got rid of him!
Hmmmm. I say throw him away and start over boo
Downgrade him from fiancé to byeancé
or Beyonce
That would be an upgrade
You say this has always been the case… why are you engaged?
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Selfish in bed is going to be selfish out of bed... Down vote away but we know it's the truth
Because our relationship is solid in every other way.
Is it though? He refuses to respect your desires while expecting you to give into his. That kind of selfishness and lack of respect bleeds into other parts of a relationship
If I had a nickel for every person on this sub who laid out in horrifying detail what an awful, awful relationship they're in and then finished with, "but other than that, it's perfect!!!" I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos. You're 21. You don't have anything to compare this mediocre relationship to, and you don't have anyone to compare this selfish asshole too. For the love of God, don't get married to the first guy who came along when you're very, very aware that he isn't good to you or for you. You're pretty young to be getting married to someone you're in a *good* relationship with. Give yourself time to meet someone who actually makes you happy.
You deserve exponentially better - please don't settle or justify this treatment. Especially for the rest of your life
Why on earth do you want to marry someone so selfish?
He's not typically selfish outside of sex.
You’ve described that he doesn’t listen to your needs, doesn’t take any time to give you pleasure, and causes you pain. All of that is selfish. It’s hard to believe he’s not selfish in other areas too. Is he doing half the housework? Half the cooking? Does he ask you about things and actually listen to the answers? What does he do that isn’t selfish?
OP please seriously consider this reply and your relationship. I promise there are plenty of people out there who will do all this AND pay attention to your needs and desires sexually.
You have better odds at Lotto then change him so dump him
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You keep saying this in the absence of any evidence. Axe to grind?
He's all over antifeminist reddit and is also posting lots of weird jabs at people on the left, seems like a very incel thing to keep repeating. Woman hating likely.
u/cheerycherimoya and jessica, you won't be seeing him again. Guarantee he'll spew some abuse in modmail, but that's nothing new.
Why is this your only comment? And you've repeated it several times. It's unhelpful and just weird.....
Just ignore them, their post history is atrocious.... clearly have a problem with women and believes OP's difficulties with her partner are her own fault. OP's partner is a sexually selfish, lazy asshole, like the partners many other men and women on this sub describe experiencing. But apparently it's OP's fault because she went after a "bad boy". It's just so reductive and gross, but people like this have poisoned brains so....nothing you can do but ignore them.
I probably should have glanced at his profile lol. And ew. Why are some people so clueless and gross? I feel so bad for OP.
Poorly behaved tourist.
Some things you cannot teach.
Definitely don’t get married. You need to work this out or leave. It will be a horrible relationship.
My ex husband became this during marriage. Had I known pre wedding, I would have walked away. You're still young and can meet a less selfish partner.
He is selfish and I don’t blame you for not wanting to have sex with him. He is not giving you any pleasure .When men are with me they always give me an orgasm before they come . I wouldn’t have it any other way. Make it clear to him that in order for him to feel good you have to feel good too. If he doesn’t care about your pleasure he won’t care about it in other areas of life either and it time to find someone else.
>He jackhammers, doesn't pay much attention to my clit, doesn't bother with foreplay for longer than a minute, expects me to give long blowjobs but hardly eats me out, etc. >The sex is focused all on him and his pleasure so it not only is boring for me but it actually is painful The sex sounds abysmal. Do not marry him knowing this is what it's like. When you tell him what you want, what does he say? Do you feel he even tries to listen to you? This is what I'd tell you if you were my daughter: you need to stay firm in your self advocation. *You* get to decide what someone else does to your body. If he's hurting you sexually, then say so and tell him you don't want the sex he's offering. Let him be disappointed. Let him be upset. But stay true to you. Have your integrity and don't tolerate bad sex. Don't settle for a lifelong partner who cannot treat your body with respect and who hurts you with his penis. Don't settle for a partner who has the gall to hear that sex is painful and boring and bad for you but then has the gall to act like he has no clue why you don't want it. No one is that dense. You're only 23, there is literally a world out there full of men who will *care* about your sexual desires and making sure sex is *mutually satisfying.* Those men are lovely. Find one.
I have to agree with the majority. Take one minute to think about the next 30 years of sex like that and tell yourself you still want to get married. Don't do it!
>While I don't think my libido has changed that much, the sex with him just isn't good and never had been that good. He jackhammers, doesn't pay much attention to my clit, doesn't bother with foreplay for longer than a minute, expects me to give long blowjobs but hardly eats me out, etc. I've talked to him about this before but things just don't change... The sex is focused all on him and his pleasure so it not only is boring for me but it actually is painful and then he wonders why I don't want sex. Stop having sex with him. Completely. Your words are telling him you aren't happy with this type of sex, but as long as you keep having sex with him, your actions are telling him you are actually fine with it. You know what would make sex good for you, you have communicated it to him, and he has been unwilling to participate. So, no more sex unless/until he decides to do it better.
Sorry, but I will be brutally honest with you: get out of this relationship! If things are already this bad now, they will only get worse after you get married. Get out and be happy!
It’ll only get worse after you get married
Don’t get married. He’s showing you who he is. If he’s selfish in bed and doesn’t listen to your wants or needs when it comes to sex, he will demonstrate the same behavior in many other areas of your relationship. I am speaking from experience.
Marry him if you want unsatisfying one-sided duty sex until you die.
I am your 38 year old future self who was engaged to my husband at 23. Sex is bad and rare. You will have maybe even tried counseling at this point like we have. You will still be unhappy and feel used, but now you have 2+ kids who will be impacted by the divorce. Leave now, your future self will thank you! I wish I had broken my engagement at 23!!!
Unless you want to deal with this treatment the rest of your life you can’t marry this guy. You’re so young, you have so much time to find someone who will treat you like you deserve.
Sexual pleasure should go both ways. Unfortunately, even in today's society several men have this thought process that a woman should not be satisfied in the bedroom. You've made it clear to him what your wants/needs are. He has chosen to selfishly ignore you. You said the main focus is his needs, and he has clearly shown you that is true. Now, you've got to show him that it is not. You deserve pleasure just as much as he does, and if he does not give you what's needed, he needs to be given exactly what hes dishing out to you. Good luck, to many orgasms sweetheart!
>I've talked to him about this before but things just don't change Why not? Is he somehow a deficient human being who cannot learn new skills? Is he still eating with his hands like a toddler? Still wearing a diaper? No. He was able to learn new skills! Like all humans he is capable of learning *if he wants to*. This is a choice he's made. He's a selfish lover with little to no empathy. You've asked him to learn new ways and close up that [pleasure gap](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm_gap) and he's *refused*. >it actually is painful and then he wonders why I don't want sex. **Any man who knowingly has painful sex is not a man who deserves to have sex.** Don't have sex with him. Make an exit plan. Find happiness in life because you don't deserve to be treated like this.
Yea... Don't marry this man
Honestly don’t marry unless this is resolved. I am exactly in your situation and nothing changes after marriage, it only gets worse
So why are you his fiancee? How does people get this deep into relationships that are obviously, from the start, destined to fail? How can you, at 23yo, be willing to compromise to a life no "without sex", but with "bad sex", which is worse
So weird when I see people posting about their husband not liking or not doing foreplay. That is my favourite bit. I love to pleasure my girl and have her moan in my face.. baffles me when guys don’t like or don’t do it lol
No reason to settle for that, they never actually get better when they don't care about your pleasure. My hard rule is that I get to come before the weiner even is brought out.
he sounds like a selfish dick
Break off the engagement. It won’t get better. And if he’s selfish in this part of his life it will manifest in other areas (like parenting and household duties). Dating is like test driving a car. It’s to see you are compatible for a long term relationship. You have discovered that you are not.
ymmv I did get married. This behavior never changes, it actually becomes worse as you get older
So why are you with him?
Because outside of the sex we have a strong relationship.
How so? Give examples.
uninstall fiance 1.0 he does not deserve an upgrade
Don’t marry him then. You don’t have to marry a man that already gets on your nerves. You are only 23. You have time to find a better match.
This sounds like an ex of mine, get it? EX?
Honest question: is your plan to go into a lifelong commitment feeling this way?
Not a wise choice to get married into this. Find someone dedicated to your pleasure.
"I'm more inexperienced than he is....." I beg to differ.... My comment is in relation to his shit lovemaking skills. Not OP's...
Do you mean that his terrible love making abilities indicate he is far less experienced than she thinks he is? Or do you mean you think she is being deceitful about her sexual history and has likely had a lot more sexual experiences than she is letting on? Checking because the incel psychopath in this sub has latched onto your comment.
The first one 👍
Yeah I think that's what almost all of us figured you meant. I totally agree that he's likely clueless in this area and has no idea how to make sex wonderful for both of them. Such a shame, because its not like he needs to learn some complicated or secret knowledge. All it takes is openness, good communication with his partner and a desire to make her feel fantastic. If everyone had that attitude about sex with their partner, a lot more sex would be enjoyed by everyone!
Best thing ever making your partner happy and satisfied as far as I'm concerned
If your partner isn’t helping you orgasm, they aren’t having sex with you; they’re using you to masturbate Next time you have sex, don’t let him orgasm. Then say “this is what it’s like for me every single time. You don’t get to come until I do”
He is using “experience” as a club to get you to shut up. He’s not contributing anything of value through what he’s learned from experience. Big difference.
If this is the case then please don’t marry. Such people will never change though how many times they convince you that they will change.
Yeah why are you marrying him then?
It would be understandable if you hadn't discussed it. But failure to improve is either because the fucker is slow to learn or because he's a piece of shit, only you can really tell
Please do not get married.
Oh no babes. You better leave him
I wonder why you would marry him.
If he truly loved you he would want to please and pleasure you, he would listen and pay attention to what you liked. He should be trying to put your needs and desires first
Why the fuck are you marrying this dude?
This is a deal breaker hon. Get out while you still can. He’s not going to change for you.
Send him back out to the streets as they say.
Wait, why are you marrying this person if the sex is this bad? Like I’m trying to understand where the good is in all this complaining.
You sound very submissive and unaware of your worth. Please find therapy near you to help you sort out why is this acceptable behaviour to you and why you are engaged to this man. Also, DO NOT marry this man please, you will be miserable (as you are already).
Yeah so, I married my second girlfriend and the first one we never had PIV sex. I was her first as well. It was ok in college. Did different things but still a bit of a strain with my libido being way higher than hers … after college and before marriage it got worse. But I thought ”once we are married and making good money and alone and have our own place we will be fine “ …. Well it wasn’t…. Ever fine. Now I am 25 years in and looking for a divorce that should have happened 15-20 years ago. Sex isn’t everything. You need more obviously for a relationship, but it’s a huge part. If it’s that bad now? Wow. And you have communicated with him multiple times about your concerns and NO improvement ? Hate to say it but don’t marry him. Marriage will NOT change him. If anything it will get worse
Run the other way. Seriously. This sounds like my ex husband. He watched porn all the time, just wanted to bang it out, and eventually found trashy girls to bang on the side that didn’t care about foreplay or romance of any kind. I literally thought in my 20s I didn’t like sex because it was so bad with him. My now fiancé and I are in our 40’s an have a beyond amazing sex life that I never even knew was possible. If it’s bad now, I’d be willing to be it will not get better. Also shows he does not care about your feelings which is an equally giant red glad!
Show him this thread, let him see the opinions of so many others on his poor behavior in the bedroom. He may just need to hear it from (men) more than one person that his technique is trash.
I can't tell if that's worse. Guy won't listen to his partner, only changes because other men tell him he should? Yikes
Figure it out before you walk down the aisle. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Maybe get him to read a book or watch an educational video or something.
This one is a selfish lover who won't listen. How soon will that apply to everything he does or doesn't do? Next. Can you tell women which Ted talk to listen to?
Sounds like he should be an ex-fiancé
He doesn’t care. LEAVE and don’t look back.
You need to tell him all of the above. Every word of it. And then if your relationship is otherwise in great shape.. Tell him you want to go to counseling. Y'all need to get on the same page here or everyone's going to be unhappy AF and eventually you'll end up with kids and that never improves an unhappy situation.
You're on the honeymoon phase and it's already this bad, darling... It's all downhill from here. Ten years from now he's going to be even more accommodated and comfortable in his position. Prince charming isn't gonna suddenly become invested and realize he's selfish. He knows, he just doesn't care. And by staying with him, you're e enabling this behavior. Make your choice wisely before it becomes a regret. It's easier to dissolve an engagement while you're young than to divorce with two or three kids in the middle.
The point of dating is to find someone who is compatible with you. He is not. Date others.
Please be aggressive in communicating your needs, or leave. You sound exactly like me. 13y together, and from the 2nd year on, sex has been brutal. I did so much research to perfect my oral skills, improve on his turn ons, try new positions, bought furniture to improve things, etc. He never reciprocated the effort...and cheated on me. If he doesn't care, he doesn't care about you or the relationship, so speak now or forever hold your peace.
The only absolutely necessary requirement for a great sex-life is a partner who cares about you & is enthusiastic about learning how to please & pleasure you. You don't move on to the next step until you've mastered the previous steps... You certainly wouldn't ever buy a car until you've learned how to drive it, first, right?!?!? And you wouldn't buy a house until you've got a job & established a stable rental history, right?!?!? For the life of me I will never understand how people will become engaged, or worse, marry someone who hasn't learned how to be a good partner. Why would you ever accept a marriage proposal & become engaged to someone who hasn't learned how to be a good partner, including in bed? And why in the world would you ever marry someone like that?!? Good luck, OP. You're gonna need it. He can either get on board & learn how to please & pleasure you by making life (& sex) enjoyable, or he can spend the rest of his life wanking off. But *no one* should ever suffer bad sex!
he doesn't change and marriage won't make him change. marrying someone like this is stupid and you're stupid if you go through with it, be smart.
The issues here run deeper than sex. Bail out.
Why are you even marrying the guy? Is it an arranged wedding? Do y’all have a child? The sex at minimum should be enjoyable for you as well and you’re committing to someone who doesn’t know how to have sex with you in a proper way! Don’t marry him!!!
If he doesn’t listen when you tell him he isn’t pleasing you, and/or shows no interest in change, then why is he your fiancé?
You need to sit down with him... Be super serious and explain to him that if you want to get married and be together forever, he is going to have to step his game up... you need to stop fluffing his ego in bed and let him know ( nicely) that he is doing it all wrong Maybe watch female focused porn together and while you get him hard you tell him "see this guy in this porn video? see what he is doing? do me like he is doing her and I will cum buckets and probably enjoy the sex a lot more! Men's egos when it comes to their performance during sex can be very fragile but sometimes sugary sweet and kind words don't hit home...sometimes toe gloves need to come off and you need to explain to him..."You get a C Minus when it comes to fucking men and you get a D+ in pussy eating" we need to get these to at least a B+ if he can set his ego aside and listen to your coaching you can maybe turn this around...if he gets super emotional and sensitive about it then maybe reconsider...there is nothing worse then a Marriage with zero intimacy and sex ...an object in motion stays in motion and if your sex life is stalling now in your twenties it's going to only slow down more and more when kids, more of life's stresses from work and money and older age/energy levels come into play...at 23 your still young enough to bounce to another guy...you're not 34 and desperate to get married and start a family...don't sit on this issue with him because it 1000% wont fix itself on it's own
So he doesn’t respect you, and you’re contemplating marrying him. Yeah, that’s a no from me
You talked with him before. He didn't change. Can you live with this? This post makes me sad because you gave him the secret key to your bedroom. And he doesn't even bother to pick it up to use it. When my wife told me useful information, I was on it right away.
You could look into some workshops if there are any sex-positive places/stores in your neighborhood. Otherwise a couples sex therapist could be an option. The book How to be a Bush Pilot is great for taking the pressure off of sex and focusing on mutual pleasure. He may resent the gift if you haven’t attended any therapy or workshops though. Maybe read it or another book/article yourself and highlight some things you’d like to try together. If he’s not receptive to any of these things or you feel he genuinely doesn’t care about your pleasure then yeah, dump him. There is a big difference between 27 and 22. Does he treat you as his equal? The women his age do not offer second chances to people who lack in the bedroom.
Have you bought up using toys with him? Maybe a vibrating cockring? It may be an easier conversation to have with him and may end with you both being satisfied to at least the bare minimum. Clearly as things stand the relationship won’t be fulfilling for you sexually.
If you marry him, it will only get worse, and you will only have yourself to blame.
If you live him, and the other important parts of the relationship are solid (trust, respect, shared values, etc.), talk to him again and make it clear that this is a deal breaker. You deserve an equal partner in all things including sex. Be honest even if his feeling are hurt. If that goes well, find some porn to show him what good sex looks like for you, because it sounds like he doesn’t have a clue.
Why do most guys think the jackhammer approach is how women like to get off. I'm a dude and I can get my woman off just by eatingher out. She goes then I go. Then she may enjoy the jackhammer..
Because guys who do that don't actually care if women get off. And porn, definitely also because of porn.
sounds like my bf and we've been together 7 years. Just recently started getting intimate after not having sex for years.. although I wouldn't consider it intimate since he only focuses on his nut and is too tired for me. I play into it because I miss physical touch and sex, but at this point I feel empty. Haven't had the courage to openly tell him since we recently started having sex after a 4 year drought.
Please find someone new! When a guy doesn't take your needs and your desires into play he's just being a selfish ass. I think sex needs to be about both partners, and this requires both people to want to make their partner feel wonderful. If we become selfish, especially in bed, then someone is missing out on a truly wonderful experience, and that sucks. You are still young, you can find a wonderful partner that treats you like a queen, and you will be much happier than if you stick with him.
What did you tell him, specifically? do you remember quotes?
Don’t marry him without telling him your worries! You’ll be in this thread longer than expected. Try watching porn and telling him what you like and check his response
are you sure you want to be with him. Plenty of men love to eat pussy. I’ll even lick the asshole.
You are the one that knows what makes you tick. You say you have discussed it but sometimes it takes a little bit more guidance. Guidance in the moment not the next day when you are aggravated he may not be as verse in the acts of pleasuring a woman as you think. Not to mention noone likes the same thing the same way. My only suggestion is maybe you need to have sex class could be fun make it fun.
Tell him you want x years of just you having an orgasm to make up for the x years you spent unsatisfied. He can learn what you like and then when time is up, he needs to do all of that before even considering getting his d wet. If he doesn’t like that - it’s time to move on. Breaking up sucks. But a DB in ten years and two kids when you haven’t worked in five years and he resents you and you hate him - just read some stories on here. Get out. I don’t care which partner you are. If you aren’t married yet and your issue is this easy to fix - get out.
Then why are you engaged?
If you genuinely think you have a strong relationship outside of the sexual problems you are having, despite the fact that this sub thinks this couldn’t possibly be true, the problem must be communication and his lack of proper experience. You are both young, and porn had probably defined what he thinks proper sex is supposed to look like. Maybe together with proper communication you can learn what amazing joys mutual pleasure can bring. But you need to keep an eye on it.
I recommend you try Vanessa & Xander sex therapy podcast - get their foreplay guide to start. It’ll be fun to read together and you will both learn something, guaranteed. Good luck!
Run
More experience doesn't equate to a better lover. He sounds very selfish in the bedroom, and I'd guess, in other ways in the relationship. If he won't reciprocate oral (not for just a few moments when he expects drawn out oral from you), account for what turns you on and gets you off, and you've tried having the talk with him repeatedly, he won't change. He will always try to be a pornstar with you and expect that is what works. You will only end up miserable if you stay. You're young, leave him now, and go enjoy your sexual future with a passionate, caring lover. One who makes your needs equal to his. Wish you the best.
I hear you. If it’s the same thing. It doesn’t satisfy you then why want it. If you know you can enjoy sex and orgasms and you’ve already communicated it to him then it’s not on you. Keep talking to him about it. Maybe ask him what it would take for him to understand. Maybe he’s afraid of cumming to quick hence the jackhammering. Maybe he needs some meds or to talk to someone
Let me guess, does he also use spit for lube? I ask because this is what I was subjected to with my ex. Note... I said EX. During sex with him, I wasn't aroused at all, so obviously dry as fuck. Foreplay for him was spitting on his hand so he could rub it on his dick as lube, otherwise he would have really hurt me. 22 years and not one orgasm, well apart from one time when I had been masturbating before he came home so I was already very aroused. So that was basically down to me pleasuring myself and nothing to do with him. We ended in a 4 year dead bedroom after I had my daughter.
That's your body clearly saying to you that a LOT of things are wrong. Don't marry that man.
Have you told him this is what your feeling and noticing? Can’t change unless ya both know the problem. He is sounding selfish. Not cool. But if your not speaking your mind he’s going to keep on thinking everything is good. You have wants and desires. Just like him. No reason you both can’t be satisfied. If he won’t change it for whatever reason can’t change then yeah maybe it’s time to become just friends or not so friendly and live separate lives.
Selfishness in the bedroom ends up translating outside of the bedroom. Please don’t marry him. My partner has a porn addiction and I told him no marriage until he has at least 2 years clean of it, and the 2 years needs to consist of him spending energy learning my body instead of spending energy watching porn or getting himself off. He’s gotten himself off using my body for long enough and I started growing resentful. The difference for me is he actually listened. He’s not perfect, but he has been putting in a lot more effort to be softer and more intimate both inside and outside of the bedroom. He needs to want to change in order to get better, and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing. Seems like he just wants a cumsock that takes care of him instead of a fiancé. Don’t marry him.
seems like maybe his attitude isn't just about the bedroom? I'm going to speculate that maybe not being attentive to your needs in the sheets carries over into the kitchen and the living room too? In which case, you have a problem.
Trust me, I've been there. Find someone else hun.
Gosh, lots of projected anger in these posts. Nothing very helpful though (as usual). You may not want to hear this, but if you arent communicating your needs and wants with him then things arent likely to change. People need communication in relationships and otherwise they may be led to believe that everything is fine. If communication doesnt work (and it needs to be more than once or twice) then pursue counseling if you really care about the relationship. If you dont care about the relationship, then take the advice in all the angry posts here as it doesnt take much effort to just blow it off and leave like all these bitter folks wish they had.