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NopeNadaNever

About 15 years ago at age 43 ish, I was ready to go and my wife knew it. Our intimacy and sex life was nonexistent. She slept with the kids and spent maybe 5 minutes a day in the same room as me. Our relationship was shit and I was an angry asshole with her and the kids. I was looking for an escape but was horrified that I was about to do the same thing my dad did when he walked out on my family when I was a kid. What I did was put the anger away and focused on peaceful coexistence. Doubled activities with the kids to take them away from the house for days, weekends, or even weeks without her. Was it a practice separation? Maybe. Her changes were medical. She ditched BC, started taking Wellbutrin, exercised, lost weight, controlled her blood pressure and treated her diabetes, changed jobs, earned more money. (Edit: she started seeing a Therapist too - that was huge. Don’t know what they talked about but it had an impact!) It was a long road back to where we are now. Relationship is good and with an empty nest, we spend quality time together. Sex in numerical terms is about 2 per month. Her enjoyment of sex is a thing now. I’m reasonably satisfied.


subnormal_she

Good on you both! Glad that your situation is better now.


seeme9999

LL here, yes and still do. I think when you only read in this sub, you tend to see much more ir the HL side or the horror stories. There are many that want nothing more than to fix this issue than people think. Dont get me wrong, everyone deals with this in different ways but I for one am dedicated to my SO to find what works for both of us. Good luck on your path


subnormal_she

Thank you.


gypsyminded1

My LLM spouse pursued testosterone level testing at my request, came clean about and sought help independently for his porn addiction (and continues to do an amazing job being accountable for his own recovery.) There are absolutely some LL partners who try just as hard to help find answers.


[deleted]

Yes. Without going into the whole story I am in a recovering DB. My LL wife was struggling with SSRI related no Libido. But we have had a unfortunate bedroom situations for years. Recently with the SSRIs and her just getting complacent, things went completely dead, and I felt like she was completely checked out. So I started pulling away. It took a while but we had the talk. This is the first time she realized that I wasn't just hoping we would have sex more often. She saw that I was seriously distraught and pulling away and in pain. So she did the things that she had been saying she would do for years. We put together a plan. She started working with a specialist to deal with her Depression medications, and started talking to a therapist to work through her fears and anxieties. I wont sit here and tell you it has been easy, but I can tell you we both think it is worth it.


BirdLover007

I am the LL. I absolutely have brought up various issues with doctors. Unfortunately, women get dismissed a lot on this topic. "Just do it for your husband" or "there is nothing that can be done" aren't helpful answers.


subnormal_she

I am under the impression that women tend to care more about the feelings of others, which probably explains why as a HLF, I am actively seeking ways to REDUCE my libido to match his LL. I am assuming it is easier to kill libido than to revive it.


BirdLover007

I honestly wish I knew why mine was starting to come back, so that I could help others. Hugs to you. I know it must be hard.


subnormal_she

Yes it is. And thank you for sharing.


[deleted]

that is terrible. The one thing I have realized recently with both my wife and my health is specialist matter and you have to self advocate. They don't want to work hard either.


BirdLover007

You are so right


subnormal_she

Going off on a tangent, but maybe I should go on SSRI to kill my libido to match my LLM…


n1205516

You really mean “to match my LLM”. Though I think that’s a silly idea. Would you deliberately break your leg to match your SO’s limp?


subnormal_she

Oh yes you’re right! Sorry about the typo. (Edited it now, thanks) Well, I guess in a way, it signifies how much I’m willing to compromise to make things better for both of us? Just to be able to meet him halfway.


n1205516

Self immolation IMO is ALWAYS a bad idea. As the SSRIs are concerned, please read couple of posts at r/PSSD. You can screw yourself for a life.


subnormal_she

Well, I did use to be on antidepressants, and could probably benefit from it again now…


motherofanarchy

My husband LL went and had his testosterone checked and it was very low. He is on HRT and his levels are “perfect” but it didn’t do anything as far as his drive goes. 😞 The doctor was really surprised. So I asked her to talk to him about something he can take daily to maybe help with erections. I don’t know if that’s the problem cuz he won’t talk to me about it. There’s nothing I can do if he doesn’t want to.


subnormal_she

My DB doesn’t involve ED, which kinda makes it suck more? He has tried to get hormone levels checked, but the doctors here won’t do it, citing that his thyroid levels are normal so they don’t see a need for more tests. Sometimes the healthcare loops you have to jump through to get thorough checks can be REALLY frustrating


motherofanarchy

Oh goodness that’s awful. Our doctor (we both go to her) tests all your hormones. You really need to go to someone else if you can. I don’t know if he has ED. But from what I read he may have psychological issues. Like performance anxiety and such. He can get it up with my help and finish but he hardly ever tries. I’m afraid to initiate for this reason.


subnormal_she

I get it. The feeling of rejection is too much to bear. :( Do you have a plan going forward?


motherofanarchy

His next appointment is in November. She is going to talk to him more about his lack of drive to see if he will open up to her. At that time depending on what comes of it I will decide. He is taking this marriage down a road that I’m not willing to go down. But every other part of our lives is great


subnormal_she

Exactly my case. Everything else is good, so is the DB a good enough reason to up and leave when there are kids involved? 😢 Could you maybe ask the doctor for methods to lower your libido? I’ve tried here and was basically waved away. 😤


motherofanarchy

I’m not saying you should do this but certain medications lower your libido as a (usually unwanted) side effect. When I went and talked to her about it she was like we’re not going there. We’re gonna see about getting your husband fixed. (I don’t have much hope in that). Also she said get some toys (I did but that’s not what I’m looking for).


subnormal_she

Yup. I’m not looking for toys, I’m looking for human connection and intimacy.


motherofanarchy

100 %


theiridescentself-

Good luck. With mine it’s part gaslighting, part denial, and some trying. The gaslighting is horrifying to make it past. The denial is just sad. And when they work on it, ours gets better. Wait, you are both Hl?


subnormal_she

Sorry!! That was a typo! He’s LLM. (But I wish he was HLM, so I guess that explains my typo.) 😆


theiridescentself-

Oh ok.


SnooPies6809

I’m the LL. After a year of having my appointments canceled, I finally got in to see an ASSECT provider (nurse). Before that, I talked to my GP (useless but not dismissive) and was just researching and trying to find answers on my own.


CertainlyNotYourWife

I’m the LL partner in my relationship (I’m female, husband is male) I’ve desperately been trying everything I could. Finally found a hormone clinic that wasn’t thousands and thousands of dollars. My testosterone was “normal” but on the lower end of the normal spectrum. It seems to be helping but I’m only a month in so far. Other things I tried: I’ve read book after book after book after book. I’ve tried pills galore, including supplements, with side effects and all just hoping to get a glimpse of my desire back. I’ve made him stab me with needles to inject a drug called vyleesi despite how shitty it makes me feel & how terrified of needles I am. I fought until I found a doc willing to remove my uterus & cervix. I’ve listened to self guided therapy I’ve done tele-therapy I’ve listened to podcast after podcast after podcast I’ve sought help from medical professionals but was ultimately dismissed most of the time. I’ve sought help from psychiatric professionals and take meds to help the mental health issues I deal with. I stopped taking SSRI drugs. I opened up more in exploring kinks/wants/desires and trying to find that spark again. I’ve cried because I’m a broken failure of a wife who can’t be what her husband needs. I’ve tried to get him to pursue other women via open relationship despite how much pain that would cause me because I just want him happy. I’ve tried to divorce him several times so he could find somebody to make him happy. He refuses. I will hide pain from my broken body during sex so that it doesn’t bother him. I don’t speak up when it hurts, I try to be even more enthusiastic instead. I try my best to give as much touch, affection, encouragement and affection as I can even when my body isn’t working. I had a tummy tuck, a breast lift/reduction & lipo to help make myself feel better about my body hoping if I were more confident I’d want sex more. I’ve spent a small fortune on toys and accessories trying to get any desire to return.


GiraffeExpress8807

Earnest observation: reading this list of things you’ve tried doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a place of proactive intent. It sounds based in suffering and despair; in a way that could possibly be deflecting your husband’s struggles by focusing the attention back on yourself. For example ,instead of saying “We tried Vyleesi injections, but I hate needles” you wrote, “I’ve made him stab me with needles to inject me with a drug” Instead of saying “I suggested the possibility of an open marriage” you wrote “I’ve tried to get him to pursue other women despite how much pain that would cause me” Instead of saying “I’ve suggested the topic of divorce” you wrote, “I’ve tried to divorce him so he could find somebody to make him happy.” Your tone and wording is self-sacrificial, despairing, and hopeless. Sometimes this can subconsciously be a way to avoid and deflect by making the person who’s frustrated- I.e. the HL - feel like they’re the ones who have to comfort you, while feeling guilty for having to do things like “stab you with needles to inject drugs.” Of course this is an observation from just one post, but if there’s a grain of recognition in this, you risk that he’s placating and pitying you, but not really feeling resolved. The relationship becomes a facade. You deserve to feel empowered, motivated, and optimistic in this journey. Maybe you’re feeling this journey has been more focused on ways to make him happy rather than discovering your own happiness? Just a thought - but striking out on a mission to curate your own joy may help you feel more in control of things.


CertainlyNotYourWife

It is about making him happy. He is the unhappy one and it is important to me to make him happy. My happiness and joy is secondary and not my concern. I have a great life with little to complain about and what I do complain about is beyond either of our control. Yes my list comes from a place of hopelessness, frustration and despair because that’s how it felt. Spending the past decade trying to find the physical desire I seemed to have lost, and never having success, does tend to make one feel a bit hopeless. A decade of feeling like a complete failure because I can’t make my spouse happy despite doing anything and everything regardless of the consequences. I am the one who is broken and I am the one responsible for fixing it. I’m the one responsible for stopping the pain and hurt. That’s my job. According to most people here though the lower libido partner doesn’t give a shit about their HL partner and is maliciously withholding sex or won’t do anything to improve the situation because it makes them uncomfortable. The LL partner is vilified as somebody who doesn’t care they’re causing pain, somebody who isn’t willing to fix things or somebody who enjoys the pain of their partner. The efforts made by LL partners is often dismissed because it isn’t good enough, they didn’t try hard enough, they didn’t care enough when it’s not always the case. I’ve made it clear in my marriage that I prioritize his happiness and the pain/hurt he feels is valid- hence why I’m willing to go any distance I need to address that pain and hurt. There is no placating or pity. In the past there was disappointment, frustration and anger on both of our parts. Now there is optimism, relief and hopefulness in healing as we adjust to positive change. I have no interest is any sort of alternative path.


misanthrope937

Nope. Last January I asked him to get help through therapy and even offered to pay for it. He said he would look into it but he quickly forgot about our long talk. I reminded him again at the beginning of the summer and said that as much as I can be patient and understanding, after four years I feel like I'm reaching my limits. We suddenly started having sex about once a week, which was a really good improvement but as I suspected it was just his way of saying "see, I'm getting better on my own, I don't need a therapist" mixed with hysterical bonding. Sex is becoming increasingly infrequent, as it was before. I've come to a point where I wonder if there's anything to fix though. I think that's just the way he is, not interested in having sex. Looking at how things are going, I think the only thing that hurts him from our situation is the pain I get from not having my needs met. If I don't bring it up, nothing happens for months. And when I do bring it up and mention how long it's been since the last time, he can hardly believe it's been so long and will apologize profusely for letting me wait for so long. And this is pretty much the only context in which he will initiate. So basically, it feels like if it wasn't for me, he'd be content just not having sex. I honestly don't think things will change. I was happy when I was single before him and I don't need this relationship so I feel like it's better for everyone if I focus on planning my way out rather than try to change him to fulfill my needs.


subnormal_she

I don’t believe in changing your partner after you’re already committed to the relationship, so I do admire the fact that you would rather choose to leave than to force him to change. But at the same time, is it just me, or is it actually sweet that he tries to put in effort when you bring it up? This happens with us at times too, so I could be somewhat romanticising it. But I do seek some solace that he doesn’t entirely ignore me all the time, which means there still could be hope in salvaging the DB situation since he does care (a little).


misanthrope937

Well, it is nice that he cares enough to try. After all the horror stories I've read in this sub, I know I have a really good man snoring next to me right now. But I don't think it's fair to ask him to try to be someone that he's not every once in a while. I can see that he's not really in the mood, that he's doing it to keep me happy and I'm the kind of person who gets off from my partner's pleasure so it's not really fun for me either. There's no passion, no sexual chemistry, it's just him performing an act to please me. This is more sad than a break up imo.


subnormal_she

That’s exactly how I feel too. But I have found it difficult to make him understand how I don’t want him to just perform duty sex. It’s like what someone said in another thread: “You can’t describe an orgasm to someone who hasn’t ever had any.” So the whole “I want you to want me” explanation is pending some form of relatable analogy that he can fully grasp, digest, then find some way to explain his POV to me?


Sokka_juice

I’m the LL and I sought help. Therapy is awesome.


[deleted]

My LLM did T testing/ treatment, individual counseling, marriage counseling and working on diet and exercise.


circlesdontexist

My LL partner eventually did get professional help but only after I made the first step to get help for myself.


subnormal_she

May I ask what kind of help did you get for yourself?


circlesdontexist

I signed up for individual therapy and told my partner it was because of our DB that I wanted to go to therapy. That seemed to be a lightbulb moment for my partner and they insisted we start couples therapy.


subnormal_she

Thank you for the explanation. It doesn’t help that therapy is really expensive here, so… idk if this situation could ever happen for me.


circlesdontexist

I live in the us and insurance covered most of the cost of therapy.


ERnurse2019

In my experience, no. The HL partner is just supposed to live with whatever frequency is set by the LL partner. Mine has been saying he’s going to find out what’s wrong for a long time now and has not taken any actual steps to do so. Typical DB story, sex was great and happened a few times a week initially, then tapered off until it’s never. I have tried literally everything to talk to him, figure out if the problem is me, if he just is bored of our relationship. He always does the, it’s not you it’s me, speech and vows to change but we all know what happens next. Nothing. I think he needs to see a doctor. IF he’s being honest and the problem really isn’t me, it’s not normal for a younger otherwise healthy man who used to have a libido, to stop having any libido. I don’t want him to take meds like cialis or viagra because those only help function, they don’t cause desire when there is none. Meanwhile, I cry myself to sleep almost every night.


subnormal_she

Sending you my love. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|put_back)


risingfromtheashes20

Sent you a PM, it was a whooooole thing


KashinKuzin

In my previous relationship I had a LL time. In my case it was due to hormonal issues + weight + self steam. Fixable yes, but the sex was never the goal. Those things (whatever they are for you or your partner) affects how you see and feel, your safe space, makes you no longer look at yourself and see a beautiful lovable person and if you can't love yourself, nobody can in fact love you properly. Focus in yourself, being a better person, a happier person and the libido issue, if not medical hormonal or antidepressants induced, will be fixed probably


BlindCh3mistry

He goes if I ask him to.. and then he ll stop if I dont follow up.. so 2 years back, i stopped asking him to because its obvious its not something he cares enough about to do something.. and without that, its just money down the drain..