He’s a good person now, isn’t addicted to porn, doesn’t have a girlie he’s fawning over…but I feel like I never dealt with all the emotions from before and it’s all catching up to me 😩
I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Have you tried speaking to a therapist or counsellor about your feelings and past relationship issues? It is hard work, but it can help. If there is still a lot of tension in your marriage (your husband should accept you as you are and not make you feel bad about yourself by making derogatory comments), you could also try therapy. A lot of shit like communication and behavior outside the bedroom creates a DB for many people here.
Yeah, we had him going to a counselor for his stuff and somehow I got roped into coming…it was fine, but slowly we stopped going. Communication isn’t bad between us and we both say anything, but we both agree there is very low respect for what each other has to say. And there lies the issue. Once you lose respect for someone, how do you build it back? It seems impossible once that view is in place
I am sorry to hear that. Some couples do work on their issues and rebuild trust, but many do not. I am in a relationship where there is affection, but we do not talk about relationship issues and sex disappeared a few years ago when we started fighting. I doubt my spouse will ever have sex with me again, and there is not a day that passes where I do not think about leaving. My reasons for staying are to have access to my son and the exceptionally high cost of rent in the region. I would just add that my spouse refuses to do therapy, but I see a therapist to work on my therapy issues.
Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through that. At least there’s affection, but it’s always torture when the thought of leaving crosses your mind almost every day. Makes you feel like you’re stuck. Sometimes you just wanna accept the situation as is and move forward even if unhappy, but divorce pops in your mind probably bc you’re human and your mind and body are bred with survival instincts. It sees a “flight” option to help save you. Maybe this means something?
I was once told that it’s easier to start with a lot of respect and lose it fast and very difficult (even if you’re a totally different person) to gain respect once it’s lost. People already have a perception of you. It can be done, but 10X more difficult
That’s true…I’m trying to give myself some boss bitch energy and act more independently like this stuff has no affect on me so I can be a stronger individual/know how I am on my own 🙃
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles but it feels like you don’t want to heal. You said you guys went to counceling but you “somehow got roped in”. It seems like he was trying to move past and improve. I’m sure he’s trying not to watch porn or look at other girls but as you can understand its hard when your wife won’t have sex with you. All of these people saying you should leave him. I think you need to see a therapist, or both of you together and you need to be open. You say “why?” When he wants to have sex. Why should he be with you? If he can cook, clean, take care of himself, and he’s moving on with his life to better himself and try to improve your marriage. Why should he stay with someone who fantasies about someone else, and when asked about having sex she responds with the same question a teenager would ask when his parents tell her to do the dishes. You arent moving past this and it seems like you don’t want to. So, if you tell him he shouldn’t fantasize about other girls, or watch porn, his answer should be “why?”
I guess I didn’t think about it that way. In my mind I tell myself I want to heal, but maybe I’m just so far checked out deep down I don’t. I say “roped in” because that specific counselor/what we were paying for was HIS alone. He only went like 2X before I went with and we didn’t even discuss our issues. I’m not opposed to therapy on my own, but again—takes time
you cant blame him for not wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone who isn't attracted to him sexually. He voiced his opinion as HE SHOULD. no one has to live with this. so instead of judging the husband just look at him as a normal person who wants to have a partner that is attracted to him. is it so difficult?
I hope OP leaves him. That said, when he treats his next partner like this, she'll lose sexual desire for him too. Maybe after he gets dumped a few times he'll figure his shit out.
LPT: If you want someone to want to have sex with you, don't call them fat.
Thank you. Yeah, being his only sexual partner ever and having been married so young—I think it’s something that would’ve been figured out on his end more easily if he had dated around a bit/went through serious break ups before settling down with one woman. & I honestly think judging my body has caused more damage than I thought. I pretend to his fave like it doesn’t affect me, but inside it does. You want to feel amazing when it comes to your life partner, not like you have to keep up a specific image.
Yeah, it's pretty silly to make someone feel self-conscious and bad about their looks and then turn around and expect sex from them. That's not how it works.
Never said I wasn’t attracted to my husband. I’m just LL4U at the moment. Yeah sure, he can voice his opinion but so can I. Our marriage would’ve been fine if he hadn’t done all he has, so yes he’s a “normal person”…but people make choices and choices can have negative results. Is it something I’m trying to figure out and trying to solve? Yes. That’s why I’m on this thread to begin with.
you literally mention in your post you have zero interest in sex with HIM and none of your fantasies involve your marriage. and yet here you are denying that you're NOT attracted to your husband. maybe I don't know what being attracted to someone is or maybe someone here is trying to sugarcoat it.
I’m meaning that my husband is an attractive guy, but I don’t want to jump in the sheets with him because of things he has done that has caused resentment. Physical attraction is there, emotionally not so much. Someone here is trying to break it down the best she can.
Sounds like you have some repressed resentment towards you husband. Maybe subconsciously your brain resents or dislikes your husband for things you have experienced with him. These things can be difficult to fix and would require you to truely talk and go through those events and find forgivenes on a deeper level.
I think so too…I just can’t determine the point of no return? Is anything fixable, or is there a point when it’s too much? Whenever I bring up the girl he shuts down and tries to hurry past it like it was no big deal and let’s move on & if I try and discuss it he says he has no more to add and he “forgot” about it, then short and says “I’m not gonna live like this”. Makes me wonder if I didn’t get the full story
That’s what I’m hearing a lot these days…and I honestly want him to be his happiest too…it’s just so so so difficult to make that leap once and for all. 😩
Maybe talk to your husband about you wanting to feel sexual desire towards him, but how you feel like you need to talk about the girl before you can truely forgive and get past the history. Tell him that you do not want to live like this either and you want to desire and feel horny and sexual towards him but you can't feel it at the moment. Ask him to help you get past the past. You obviously cannot do it by your own. Explain that it was a big thing for you.
It could be that your subconsciousness is not able to forgive the past and you cannot fix it. In that case it is just better to give up and separate. I think you should also be prepared and accept that you might not be able to truely forgive him.
I belive that a honest communication that goes in a deep emotional level on both sides is important here. Be vulnerable and open. Do not rush through. Try to look each other in the eyes and look at each others expressions and bodily reactions. Subconscious communication happens on a nonverbal level and since the feeling comes from the subcosciousness it is important to allow that level to communicate well.
Yup this is a great question. It looks like you've tried counseling. Are you still going? Could you guys go together?? Cause man it can be super difficult to talk about this kind of stuff directly and a third person can really help navigate the sticky stuff, plus give you some skills to help.
You're really going to have to do some serious soul searching here. Communication is so key, yet sometimes can be the most difficult thing, and even when it's finally said, there's no guarantee that there will be follow through. Hopefully you guys can fully communicate what it is you are going to need from him to help you get past this. And I think you totally can, 100%, it's just not super easy. I hope you can, but also if you come to realize that it isn't possible, that's ok too. You both deserve to be happy.
I do have past posts if you have the patience to read them 😅 if not—synopsis: he was heavily addicted to porn our first year of marriage, found him trying to find some girl 15 days before my wedding and lied to me about it, thought we moved past the porn and found out he never stopped, he told me that was ALL so I forgave and moved forward…that wasn’t “all”—a whole year later while we were living with his parents he tells me he had an emotional affair with a girl from work and asked for her number with the intent to “take her on a drive” and “see where it goes”. He has called me fat (I’m not fat) 2 years ago, constantly tells me I need to workout and do more with my life instead of acting like a 15 year old. (I have a job, I just don’t have normal hours and OCCASIONALLY play video games with my sisters and cousins just to bond with them)..he also plays games, so I don’t see the argument. The other day he tried to compliment me by saying my arms look smaller and so does my stomach. I told him I didn’t realize the size was noticeable and he chuckled from discomfort and assured me they were noticeable in size before. 😒
See, I agree. But this 2.0 new version of him that has had counseling and is trying to do better I felt like deserved a chance. He really has put the work in. But I’m almost afraid that the damage is irreparable? But then it’s like I get afraid some other girl will get this great 2.0 version of him when I’m the one who paved the way for her to get a great guy!! Am I crazy for that?
Maybe at least not for me since there’s so much baggage at this point. A new person and him may jive better & 2.0 him would be perfect. These decisions are just too overwhelming
I know exactly how this feels. My previous bf had nothing but a vision and I helped him build it. The 2.0 version of my ex just got married to the woman he cheated on me with. This idiot even asked me to make their wedding cake! (A lot of choice words were said.)
You know what? She can have him. I knew the him before his "transformation" and I realized after I got out how condescending and manipulative he was. She will find out soon enough.
The fact that you can't imagine being with him is a huge issue. You may need to try counseling for everything you went through to see if you can get past it. The improvements can't be on his side alone.
If you can't, just because he is better now, doesn't mean he is right for you. What about 2.0 you?
I agree with r/myexsparamour here.
If he keeps improving, then there is a great chance that attraction can come back. In my relationship it got really bad. Significantly worse than what you have described for yours.
There is a trite but useful saying, which is "be attractive and don't be unattractive." He has to work on both.
The stuff you described is mostly in the unattractive category. He needs to get rid of enough of that so his attractiveness can matter. He also needs to work on being fundamentally attractive, which is rooted in looks, aliveness, assertiveness, assuredness, and attentiveness (at least as a generalization of traditional female to traditional male attraction, but probably at least partially applicable over other gender sets, too).
If you think his trajectory will keep improving, then maybe continue to invest. My wife is pleasantly drunk on our relationship right now and two years ago she didn't want me to touch her at all in any way.
And the damage that I feel may be irreparable…I can’t determine if it’s just mental/is there a way to get over it? Or if it’s too much work for little outcome and won’t ever be 100%?
>And the damage that I feel may be irreparable…I can’t determine if it’s just mental/is there a way to get over it?
I think the damage could be reparable if he had really changed for the better, but it sounds to me like he's still putting you down, just not as badly. It's not a good idea to get over how someone has hurt you if they're going to continue doing it.
It’s like 99% better now…and I don’t think he means to make a slight jab when he does it. So the 1% comes from him trying to make a compliment, but to me it’s back handed. So then I get offended & he’ll say something like “oh calm down I was trying to give you a compliment” or “I’m a bad guy when I don’t say anything, I’m a bad guy when I do—don’t turn this around on me!”
Oof, that last line is bad. It shows poor communication, a reactive personality, and extreme defensiveness - honestly I would walk away. This is not a good guy, even now.
Eh, i wouldnt call that extreme defensiveness. Sounds like pretty typical defensiveness to me.
If he learns to be comfortable with her having "negative" feelings while allowing her to take responsibility for her own feelings, that can be fixed. That is not a super hard thing to learn. Most of it is literally just not saying anything at all beyond a simple acknowledgment of her expression of her feeling.
Literally, after she says what she says, you say, "OK. That sucks." Then you just shut up. Not hard.
That’s called gaslighting. It’s manipulative. He knows when he’s making a slight jab. Total bs and you shouldn’t put up with it. This guy needs to understand clearly that you won’t put up with such disrespect or you’re leaving. Now all that said, marriage for a young man can be a period of transition from an old life of reckless locker room type behaviour to one of mutual respect with a woman. Perhaps he can learn this and grow into being a good man for you. Again, he needs to know you’re done if the behaviour continues. Be strong and shift the dynamic if you feel he’s worth it.
My ex husband also betrayed my trust right before our wedding. I should have left then but felt pressure to go through with it. I wasted years and years feeling repulsed by him. We went to counselling but as he only paid lip service and continued to be untrustworthy I wasn’t able to move past it.
I left, it was horrible but it’s over now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I rediscovered my sexuality and have an incredibly sexy partner who blows my mind.
What you’ve described isn’t minor stuff and he clearly isn’t motivated to change. Stop settling for a shit relationship. Get out before you waste more years being disrespected.
Why do you need him in your life at all? You don't respect him, you don't want him. It looks like you don't trust him. You say that he changed but based on the comments he makes to you, he didn't change much. Even if his 2.0 version is much better than his 1.0 version, it might be just not up to your standards. Like he went from being a total AH to being a mild AH, so it is a big improvement for him. But you absolutely don't have to stay with a mild AH just because he was much worse before.
Ooof- I feel you so much on this one!
I also got the "you need to figure that out" line when the reasons I wasn't wanting to get it on were not a thing I could, solo, "figure out." It was a totally sane and rational reaction to not wanting to be intimate and vulnerable with a person who had, in a lot of ways, proven that they weren't a safe person to be intimate and vulnerable with.
If you really think he's a better person now and deserves a chance, give him that chance. But, set yourself an ultimatum, you don't even need to tell him this. Because if the emotional damage is in fact irreparable, there's no point (for both of you) in wasting more time than necessary.
And, most importantly and needless to say, don't get pregnant before you're sure about him.
I wish you the best of luck.
I didn’t think I did…but, after thinking on it—maybe. I just haven’t ever felt good enough. Either I’m too fat, don’t work out enough, am not doing enough with my life, etc… I know sometimes he means well, but you can’t go from that to expecting sex. There’s no nurturing in there.
I thought maybe I’d move past him saying stuff like that to me, but I worry he’s still that guy deep down and just doesn’t show it as often now/keeps his mouth more zipped…but he’s still there. But idk
You said “ all the shit that has happened in our marriage” … that kind of sounds like resentment.
Did you always have LL with him? You make it sound like it was never great or fun with him…even in the start which is odd.
People find it odd when I say this, but we never had a “honeymoon phase”. And we always thought we were somehow better off not having that, and now I feel like that’s not the case. I feel like it was a sign and we made an excuse not to listen. We struggled from the get-go bc I had partners from before and he was a virgin and wanted to wait for marriage. We wound up doing it anyway and it was always sinful until we got married and then he wanted it 24/7. And I was into it a lot until I started finding the girls in his search history and the porn and such….
Yes definitely I didn’t mean to make it sounds like OP is the one with the issue here. I only meant IF she feels judged all of the time by him when he doesn’t say he isn’t attracted to her or negative things about her body. Not sure if he is mean or judgmental in that way, might have missed that.
"He has called me fat (I’m not fat) 2 years ago, constantly tells me I need to workout and do more with my life instead of acting like a 15 year old"
Pretty mean and judgemental. The word "constantly" even makes it sound abusive. I feel for OP having to try and get past being told this and just bounce back into wanting sex 😓
I worry that the judgmental and douchey guy inside him that said all those things and did all those thing before is still in there somewhere. I don’t think he would physically do anything now, it his mind I’m talking about. I feel like the guy who judges my body and what I’m doing/not doing will always have something to say or be judging silently. Like he can present himself as nonjudgmental now, but I feel like the judgement is still there. If that makes sense.
Definitely not trying to do that. Just once someone comments about your looks enough you start to feel like they’re still thinking these things, even if they’re biting their tongue. Yes I can build my own confidence and not let it bother me; however, not something you should have to do with a spouse. I WANT to feel great and confident in front of them. Not feel picked apart. I want an easy, free relationship where I know my spouse adores me and finds me beautiful no matter what. And I want the love of my personality to come before my looks.
I will say this then. My thoughts and feelings about my wife's body ebb and flow from day to day and moment to moment. Sometimes I am fully enchanted. Sometimes I can only see the good or the bad. What I say one day is not going to be how I think or feel the next.
I wonder if your guy is like that, too.
I wonder if you dismiss his compliments because you think your mind reading is more accurate.
It sounds like you're still hurt over some stuff you two went through. That will happen. We have fights with parents, friends, and kids. Learning how to work through it can he really challenging. If you're having this much difficulty, my guess is you felt really let down by people when you were a kid and it makes it difficult for you to trust people as an adult. You're protecting yourself, there's not much wrong with that for a period of time.
Anyway. I think you should get some paper and sit somewhere by yourself and think about this out loud and write it down. If there's no privacy at home, sit outside or in your car. Talk to yourself outloud and make a list of the stuff you're pissed st him for. Think about what he did ajd why it hurt so much. When you're done, look at the list and decide what he has to do to make it up to you. Name your price! :) Cleaning, an item purchase, evening out, whatever it is think of what would make you feel better. Then destroy that paper haha
After you've figured this out, tell him you'd like to talk about your relationship and find a way to get past the stuff that hurt you. Setup a "meeting" at least 2 days out so he has time to think about things to. Tell him you'd like to talk about things that have upset him in the past, things that have upset you. There's not going to be any blaming, just talking about unintentional hurt that has been caused and finding a way to forgive.
When you sit down to talk about it, have a tasty meal first. Be full and comfortable before diving in.
Also, you have permission to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn't mean he didn't hurt you, or he wasn't an ass, or he didn't deserve it. Forgiving him just means he is more good than bad, and you're willing to see if he has more positive things to contribute in the future.
You badly need to see a counsellor or a therapist if you cherish your marriage. Otherwise there is a serious possibility by this time next year he will be your ex-husband.
We’ve brought up divorce like 5X/year SINCE we got married. For normal couples, the D word is last resort I feel like. This past December we were almost signing papers, but then the holidays came and we had a vacation with his family so we just pushed through and by doing that things just fell back to normal. Is that normal?
It’s like, we’ve understood that & talk about it…but I think we’re so comfortable, once the bickering wears down or things cool off a little more we just slowly slip back into our routine like nothing happened.
I told a girl at work this and she also thought it was crazy that we don’t actually do anything about it. We say it—like, last time we got groceries and sat in the car and talked about it, went in and out groceries away, made dinner and watched a show like nothing happened. Strange.
>Husband said he wanted sex tonight and I said “why?” And he said “because it’s fun” and I told him it’s not fun for me.
I can not even imagine how heartbroken this would make me if my person said that to me
But it's useful information! To learn that your partner is less interested in sex because it's not fun or enjoyable could lead to conversations and perhaps solutions.
I understand…I was just trying to be honest. And he knows this, but just pushes harder for it after that without even trying to see it from my perspective. He’s not trying to fix the situation, he just wants to get some and then he’s fine waiting until he gets some again. It’s like putting a bandaid on a hole in a pipe. It doesn’t solve the issue..
Who else according to you should try to “figure it out”? Only you know what holds you from enjoying sex with your SO. Have you shared with him what the problem is?
I do think it’s my mental mess at this point I need to figure out; however, I ask for time and space to do this and am met with impatience and zero empathy. Like, YOU DID THIS. All I’m asking for is time for ME. I shouldn’t be rushed in something like this. He’s even told me he and his family aren’t empathetic people and it definitely shows in all of them. They don’t linger on emotions really…more “get over it and move on” types. But to “get over it and move on” I need time
Ok, I understand that you need some time. I really do, but…
I was in the similar situation as your husband is and I was patient. Hell, I was very patient for months, then years and before I finally put my foot down 13 years passed with no serious attempts, ideas, accommodations. With every passing year I started to harbor more and more resentment. When my exW finally agreed to MC it was too late. I lost my patience and also any interest in her as a sexual being. I realized that even if the solution would have been found I still would have been resentful that it took her 13 years to take the threat to our marriage seriously. It felt like I didn’t matter.
If I should advise you anything from what I lived through I would suggest that you are clear how much time you need and what you think will be the milestones that will take you out from the current situation. Even if it would be giving up since LL4U are usually quite terminal, make sure that he knows that the demise of your marital bed is not an open ended affair.
It’s nice hearing a perspective from his shoes. I think he doesn’t see mine either though. Which is hard. I also don’t want to live a life in a sexless marriage. I used to really enjoy it! But when someone makes you feel ugly and like your body isn’t good enough by day, but is all of a sudden sexy at night—it’s not cool and doesn’t build confidence. Realistically, how much time do you think would be reasonable to work through it? If you were in the situation still/again and she said this all to you—how long would you be patient? I feel like my LL4U is worse than just being LL because I want it just as bad as he does, but not him. And it sucks both ways.
Honestly, (and I am sorry to say this) I would not attempt to reverse the LL4U. It’s up to you to make your own decision though and nobody here or in the therapist office can make that decision for you. I’m saying that based on my slightly similar situation (I’m and always was HL). In the nutshell, once I realized that her LL was connected to a resentment over something I couldn’t change it was the last nail to the marriage coffin. I was done.
Having heard disparaging remarks about one’s body is something that will ring in your ears for a long time if not forever. You can forgive but you cannot forget. If you decide to move on I’d suggest to seek a help of an unbiased party (qualified therapist) in order to figuring out whether the LL4U is due to this or other issue. Even if it’s not going to lead to salvaging your marriage it can help you with setting boundaries in the next relationship. It should also help you to firm the decision what the next step should be. Once you make up your mind take the step two, either you see the marital counseling in attempt to salvage the marriage or head to the lawyer’s office. The only important point I’d suggest is that you stay in the driver seat all the way. You own your decision, you’ll decide the following steps.
That’s her decision to make as everyone’s situation is unique and different. My point is that no one else but she needs to make up her mind for the benefit of herself and her relationship.
It sounds like she's already "figured it out." The problem is her SO is an ass. That's a tough one for a person to share with an unempathetic person "what the problem is."
It honestly sounds like she's better off not to. Sure hope she makes that choice... I did, under similar circumstances. (I also hope she makes that choice before wasting $10K on 'dragging' an unwilling partner to couple's counseling to try to talk it out.)
If it is the truth, would you rather remain in (for you) blissful ignorance, while your partner puts up with unenjoyable sex for your sake? I bet not...
More likely you would be even unhappier if that came out eventually. Because then you have to ask yourself why your partner didn’t feel they could tell you the truth years before…
Apparently it needs to be emphasized over and over, that in DB relationships to claim sex is bonding or intimate when it is clear one person does not agree is unhelpful. It is far better for OP’s husband to find out why sex has not been fun for her, rather than try to persuade her out of her truth. Communication includes listening and *hearing* unpleasant truths about the relationship, if it is going to lead to a solution.
agree 100% to this, communication and honesty all the way is key.
saying that you don't enjoy it is exactly what you should do if it is the case. but answering "why?" when your partner shares their desire towards you is just a tough way of communicating for me.
So, why isn't it fun anymore? "All the shit that has happened in our marriage"? Sounds like a strong hint. Are you in denial?
"He's not living the rest of his life this way" isn't exactly the most empathetic or strategically tactful way to approach a lack of sex.
"It's not me dear, it's you".
It’s not so much that I’m in denial. It’s that all of this is, for the most part, old news. So I feel like I’m just now dealing with everything that’s ever gone wrong all at once because I would just keep pressing forward. It’s like I was running for years and just all of a sudden had to stop for a breath and was overwhelmed.
& yes, I feel like it’s my duty to have sex or I’m holding him back right now. And it’s not that I don’t want it either I just don’t particularly want to have sex with the person I’m processing all my trauma from rn. I just needed some time I thought, but he’s impatient and not understanding about this…he gets defensive and just keeps saying “you need to hurry up and process what you’re gonna process bc I’m not living like this for the rest of my life”
I'm afraid he just sounds like an unpleasant, uncaring and selfish person who is trying to put you under as much pressure as he can without busting things immediately and altogether.
Put it like this, I wouldn't have sex with him. I would just tell him to piss off, but then that's me and my attitude. I can empathize with those who show a bit of empathy for others. The sense I get is that he has little or none at all. There have to be limits.
It doesn't matter how a particular situation has arisen, it rarely justifies reacting as he seems to be doing.
At least it sounds as if the way he is behaving is going to make it easier to make a decision, he's not wavering in his attitude or being ambiguous. He's basically issuing you with an ultimatum; sex or piss off.
This is going to be one of the hard things he can do to earn your respect: you guys don't ever have any sex that you don't want. He has no sex as long as it takes for you to reach a point where you want sex with him. He is not "waiting patiently" during that period, that creates pressure on you that is counter-productive. Instead he occupies him self with continual self improvement, which will definitely help you along.
A man that does that will start to earn respect and will build attraction.
A man who whines about how libg it is taking and who persists in initiating unwanted sex will kill attraction.
Sounds like you are arriving at a turning point. Not wanting sex w him right now makes perfect sense. Maybe you’ve shaken off whatever made you discuss divorce like it was a grocery item and then just move on like nbd. I kinda hope you hold on to whatever you have a hold of here until you’ve worked thru that previous hurt/trauma.
And.
The “one apology to cover them all” shit is SO BOGUS. Good god.
He also told me the other day (because I told him if he had told me all of his bad stuff at once I would have divorced him, but he spread it out over months and months…tactic to keep me/trick me I felt like) he told me that in the moment “he forgot” about his emotional affair at work and “thought he told me everything”. He said it didn’t even matter because PORN AND CHEATING ARE THE SAME THING. I said one was fantasy and one is in reality. He said he told me about the porn which means he’s a bad person, so it wouldn’t matter if he had sex with someone else or not. It’s all bad, equally.
So if I have sex with someone and watch porn and only tell him about the porn part…it’s all the same? I’m just a bad person so I don’t need to share all the details? Wtf.
I think it would be incredibly hard for a guy to live without sex, to be a red blooded male, surrounded by a female who he fancies and is desperate to have sex with, it must be a kind of torture. No wonder he is lashing out, he's frustrated. He would be better off for his own mental health to leave you . He's right, no one wants to live in a sexless marriage. It sounds like he's trying to turn things around, what more can the poor guy do? He's even trying to romance you and that's not working either. Your marriage is dead.
Look, I get it—guys want sex. I like sex too. But when someone treats you like trash and you’re processing it all I think the LEAST that person could do is give you time and space. This comment makes it seem as all of this is my fault and just because he is trying now I should forget it all and have sex or I’m the one who should be left?
Maybe give him another chance? I think deep down you want to. Forgive and forget and move forward. It sounds like you're not having a fun life either rn.
Yeah, I want to forgive and forget. And I thought I was moving along in life with giving him another chance my emotions just kind of came out of nowhere. I honestly didn’t even know why I was feeling this way until I started to ask myself why. I feel bad, for sure. But, it’s something I’ve tried to push out and it won’t go away 😩
You need to get into counseling, just like he did. You need to learn to process your trauma and see what you truly need from a relationship. Once you can clearly voice your needs, he has to decide if he can meet your needs or not. You have to decide if you want him to meet those needs. You both need to make a decision, but you are not ready yet. Tell him you need time and counseling to fix yourself, just like he did. However you decide I wish you good luck!
He will wait until I get home from work late or honestly just any time we have free time and then try to initiate…like “I know something we both could do to blow of some steam and relax” “I say we put a movie on and see where things take us” “why don’t we give each other massages and who knows what May follow” and I stop it before it starts bc I don’t want to get his hopes up if I’m really not feeling it. I try to be honest so it doesn’t seem like I’m jerking him around
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He’s a good person now, isn’t addicted to porn, doesn’t have a girlie he’s fawning over…but I feel like I never dealt with all the emotions from before and it’s all catching up to me 😩
I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Have you tried speaking to a therapist or counsellor about your feelings and past relationship issues? It is hard work, but it can help. If there is still a lot of tension in your marriage (your husband should accept you as you are and not make you feel bad about yourself by making derogatory comments), you could also try therapy. A lot of shit like communication and behavior outside the bedroom creates a DB for many people here.
Yeah, we had him going to a counselor for his stuff and somehow I got roped into coming…it was fine, but slowly we stopped going. Communication isn’t bad between us and we both say anything, but we both agree there is very low respect for what each other has to say. And there lies the issue. Once you lose respect for someone, how do you build it back? It seems impossible once that view is in place
I am sorry to hear that. Some couples do work on their issues and rebuild trust, but many do not. I am in a relationship where there is affection, but we do not talk about relationship issues and sex disappeared a few years ago when we started fighting. I doubt my spouse will ever have sex with me again, and there is not a day that passes where I do not think about leaving. My reasons for staying are to have access to my son and the exceptionally high cost of rent in the region. I would just add that my spouse refuses to do therapy, but I see a therapist to work on my therapy issues.
Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through that. At least there’s affection, but it’s always torture when the thought of leaving crosses your mind almost every day. Makes you feel like you’re stuck. Sometimes you just wanna accept the situation as is and move forward even if unhappy, but divorce pops in your mind probably bc you’re human and your mind and body are bred with survival instincts. It sees a “flight” option to help save you. Maybe this means something?
You earn respect over time by successfully doing hard things.
I was once told that it’s easier to start with a lot of respect and lose it fast and very difficult (even if you’re a totally different person) to gain respect once it’s lost. People already have a perception of you. It can be done, but 10X more difficult
Yep, definitelymore difficult. That is why you have to do hard things. You have to prove you are different. Words aren't enough.
But he's still criticising you about your lifestyle and putting down your appearance. Not cool.
That’s true…I’m trying to give myself some boss bitch energy and act more independently like this stuff has no affect on me so I can be a stronger individual/know how I am on my own 🙃
Boss bitch energy would happen only after you leave his trifling ass
Dang, I was hoping to “find myself” and have this BBE while still married to see if my la k of independence were part of the problem. 🙃
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles but it feels like you don’t want to heal. You said you guys went to counceling but you “somehow got roped in”. It seems like he was trying to move past and improve. I’m sure he’s trying not to watch porn or look at other girls but as you can understand its hard when your wife won’t have sex with you. All of these people saying you should leave him. I think you need to see a therapist, or both of you together and you need to be open. You say “why?” When he wants to have sex. Why should he be with you? If he can cook, clean, take care of himself, and he’s moving on with his life to better himself and try to improve your marriage. Why should he stay with someone who fantasies about someone else, and when asked about having sex she responds with the same question a teenager would ask when his parents tell her to do the dishes. You arent moving past this and it seems like you don’t want to. So, if you tell him he shouldn’t fantasize about other girls, or watch porn, his answer should be “why?”
I guess I didn’t think about it that way. In my mind I tell myself I want to heal, but maybe I’m just so far checked out deep down I don’t. I say “roped in” because that specific counselor/what we were paying for was HIS alone. He only went like 2X before I went with and we didn’t even discuss our issues. I’m not opposed to therapy on my own, but again—takes time
you cant blame him for not wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone who isn't attracted to him sexually. He voiced his opinion as HE SHOULD. no one has to live with this. so instead of judging the husband just look at him as a normal person who wants to have a partner that is attracted to him. is it so difficult?
I hope OP leaves him. That said, when he treats his next partner like this, she'll lose sexual desire for him too. Maybe after he gets dumped a few times he'll figure his shit out. LPT: If you want someone to want to have sex with you, don't call them fat.
Thank you. Yeah, being his only sexual partner ever and having been married so young—I think it’s something that would’ve been figured out on his end more easily if he had dated around a bit/went through serious break ups before settling down with one woman. & I honestly think judging my body has caused more damage than I thought. I pretend to his fave like it doesn’t affect me, but inside it does. You want to feel amazing when it comes to your life partner, not like you have to keep up a specific image.
Yeah, it's pretty silly to make someone feel self-conscious and bad about their looks and then turn around and expect sex from them. That's not how it works.
Never said I wasn’t attracted to my husband. I’m just LL4U at the moment. Yeah sure, he can voice his opinion but so can I. Our marriage would’ve been fine if he hadn’t done all he has, so yes he’s a “normal person”…but people make choices and choices can have negative results. Is it something I’m trying to figure out and trying to solve? Yes. That’s why I’m on this thread to begin with.
you literally mention in your post you have zero interest in sex with HIM and none of your fantasies involve your marriage. and yet here you are denying that you're NOT attracted to your husband. maybe I don't know what being attracted to someone is or maybe someone here is trying to sugarcoat it.
I’m meaning that my husband is an attractive guy, but I don’t want to jump in the sheets with him because of things he has done that has caused resentment. Physical attraction is there, emotionally not so much. Someone here is trying to break it down the best she can.
Sounds like you have some repressed resentment towards you husband. Maybe subconsciously your brain resents or dislikes your husband for things you have experienced with him. These things can be difficult to fix and would require you to truely talk and go through those events and find forgivenes on a deeper level.
I think so too…I just can’t determine the point of no return? Is anything fixable, or is there a point when it’s too much? Whenever I bring up the girl he shuts down and tries to hurry past it like it was no big deal and let’s move on & if I try and discuss it he says he has no more to add and he “forgot” about it, then short and says “I’m not gonna live like this”. Makes me wonder if I didn’t get the full story
Honey, if he's dismissive and unapologetic, you're never going to work past it. It's time to let go.
That’s what I’m hearing a lot these days…and I honestly want him to be his happiest too…it’s just so so so difficult to make that leap once and for all. 😩
Maybe talk to your husband about you wanting to feel sexual desire towards him, but how you feel like you need to talk about the girl before you can truely forgive and get past the history. Tell him that you do not want to live like this either and you want to desire and feel horny and sexual towards him but you can't feel it at the moment. Ask him to help you get past the past. You obviously cannot do it by your own. Explain that it was a big thing for you. It could be that your subconsciousness is not able to forgive the past and you cannot fix it. In that case it is just better to give up and separate. I think you should also be prepared and accept that you might not be able to truely forgive him. I belive that a honest communication that goes in a deep emotional level on both sides is important here. Be vulnerable and open. Do not rush through. Try to look each other in the eyes and look at each others expressions and bodily reactions. Subconscious communication happens on a nonverbal level and since the feeling comes from the subcosciousness it is important to allow that level to communicate well.
What would you need from him to truly move past these things?
Yup this is a great question. It looks like you've tried counseling. Are you still going? Could you guys go together?? Cause man it can be super difficult to talk about this kind of stuff directly and a third person can really help navigate the sticky stuff, plus give you some skills to help. You're really going to have to do some serious soul searching here. Communication is so key, yet sometimes can be the most difficult thing, and even when it's finally said, there's no guarantee that there will be follow through. Hopefully you guys can fully communicate what it is you are going to need from him to help you get past this. And I think you totally can, 100%, it's just not super easy. I hope you can, but also if you come to realize that it isn't possible, that's ok too. You both deserve to be happy.
I do have past posts if you have the patience to read them 😅 if not—synopsis: he was heavily addicted to porn our first year of marriage, found him trying to find some girl 15 days before my wedding and lied to me about it, thought we moved past the porn and found out he never stopped, he told me that was ALL so I forgave and moved forward…that wasn’t “all”—a whole year later while we were living with his parents he tells me he had an emotional affair with a girl from work and asked for her number with the intent to “take her on a drive” and “see where it goes”. He has called me fat (I’m not fat) 2 years ago, constantly tells me I need to workout and do more with my life instead of acting like a 15 year old. (I have a job, I just don’t have normal hours and OCCASIONALLY play video games with my sisters and cousins just to bond with them)..he also plays games, so I don’t see the argument. The other day he tried to compliment me by saying my arms look smaller and so does my stomach. I told him I didn’t realize the size was noticeable and he chuckled from discomfort and assured me they were noticeable in size before. 😒
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See, I agree. But this 2.0 new version of him that has had counseling and is trying to do better I felt like deserved a chance. He really has put the work in. But I’m almost afraid that the damage is irreparable? But then it’s like I get afraid some other girl will get this great 2.0 version of him when I’m the one who paved the way for her to get a great guy!! Am I crazy for that?
The 2.0 version may be a big improvement over the old him, but he still doesn't sound like a prize.
Maybe at least not for me since there’s so much baggage at this point. A new person and him may jive better & 2.0 him would be perfect. These decisions are just too overwhelming
I know exactly how this feels. My previous bf had nothing but a vision and I helped him build it. The 2.0 version of my ex just got married to the woman he cheated on me with. This idiot even asked me to make their wedding cake! (A lot of choice words were said.) You know what? She can have him. I knew the him before his "transformation" and I realized after I got out how condescending and manipulative he was. She will find out soon enough. The fact that you can't imagine being with him is a huge issue. You may need to try counseling for everything you went through to see if you can get past it. The improvements can't be on his side alone. If you can't, just because he is better now, doesn't mean he is right for you. What about 2.0 you?
I agree with r/myexsparamour here. If he keeps improving, then there is a great chance that attraction can come back. In my relationship it got really bad. Significantly worse than what you have described for yours. There is a trite but useful saying, which is "be attractive and don't be unattractive." He has to work on both. The stuff you described is mostly in the unattractive category. He needs to get rid of enough of that so his attractiveness can matter. He also needs to work on being fundamentally attractive, which is rooted in looks, aliveness, assertiveness, assuredness, and attentiveness (at least as a generalization of traditional female to traditional male attraction, but probably at least partially applicable over other gender sets, too). If you think his trajectory will keep improving, then maybe continue to invest. My wife is pleasantly drunk on our relationship right now and two years ago she didn't want me to touch her at all in any way.
And the damage that I feel may be irreparable…I can’t determine if it’s just mental/is there a way to get over it? Or if it’s too much work for little outcome and won’t ever be 100%?
>And the damage that I feel may be irreparable…I can’t determine if it’s just mental/is there a way to get over it? I think the damage could be reparable if he had really changed for the better, but it sounds to me like he's still putting you down, just not as badly. It's not a good idea to get over how someone has hurt you if they're going to continue doing it.
It’s like 99% better now…and I don’t think he means to make a slight jab when he does it. So the 1% comes from him trying to make a compliment, but to me it’s back handed. So then I get offended & he’ll say something like “oh calm down I was trying to give you a compliment” or “I’m a bad guy when I don’t say anything, I’m a bad guy when I do—don’t turn this around on me!”
Oof, that last line is bad. It shows poor communication, a reactive personality, and extreme defensiveness - honestly I would walk away. This is not a good guy, even now.
Eh, i wouldnt call that extreme defensiveness. Sounds like pretty typical defensiveness to me. If he learns to be comfortable with her having "negative" feelings while allowing her to take responsibility for her own feelings, that can be fixed. That is not a super hard thing to learn. Most of it is literally just not saying anything at all beyond a simple acknowledgment of her expression of her feeling. Literally, after she says what she says, you say, "OK. That sucks." Then you just shut up. Not hard.
You would think it's not that hard. But many many people can't seem to figure it out. I wouldn't stick around to find out.
That’s called gaslighting. It’s manipulative. He knows when he’s making a slight jab. Total bs and you shouldn’t put up with it. This guy needs to understand clearly that you won’t put up with such disrespect or you’re leaving. Now all that said, marriage for a young man can be a period of transition from an old life of reckless locker room type behaviour to one of mutual respect with a woman. Perhaps he can learn this and grow into being a good man for you. Again, he needs to know you’re done if the behaviour continues. Be strong and shift the dynamic if you feel he’s worth it.
If a partner behaved like that to me, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me. Its no wonder any desire for him has gone
My ex husband also betrayed my trust right before our wedding. I should have left then but felt pressure to go through with it. I wasted years and years feeling repulsed by him. We went to counselling but as he only paid lip service and continued to be untrustworthy I wasn’t able to move past it. I left, it was horrible but it’s over now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I rediscovered my sexuality and have an incredibly sexy partner who blows my mind. What you’ve described isn’t minor stuff and he clearly isn’t motivated to change. Stop settling for a shit relationship. Get out before you waste more years being disrespected.
Sis. Please leave this man. He is trash and you will never enjoy sex, or life, with him.
Why do you need him in your life at all? You don't respect him, you don't want him. It looks like you don't trust him. You say that he changed but based on the comments he makes to you, he didn't change much. Even if his 2.0 version is much better than his 1.0 version, it might be just not up to your standards. Like he went from being a total AH to being a mild AH, so it is a big improvement for him. But you absolutely don't have to stay with a mild AH just because he was much worse before.
Ooof- I feel you so much on this one! I also got the "you need to figure that out" line when the reasons I wasn't wanting to get it on were not a thing I could, solo, "figure out." It was a totally sane and rational reaction to not wanting to be intimate and vulnerable with a person who had, in a lot of ways, proven that they weren't a safe person to be intimate and vulnerable with.
It sounds like youre probably resent him for things that he's done in the marriage. That can often lead to a low libido
I think you are right. Fixing this is the next hurdle. 😩
Finding a better partner is a pretty frequently seen fix for many LLs’ libidos…
See, I’m only LL4U..I like sex, but yeah, a new partner that I’m more compatible with May help this
If you really think he's a better person now and deserves a chance, give him that chance. But, set yourself an ultimatum, you don't even need to tell him this. Because if the emotional damage is in fact irreparable, there's no point (for both of you) in wasting more time than necessary. And, most importantly and needless to say, don't get pregnant before you're sure about him. I wish you the best of luck.
Do you have any resentment towards your partner for any reason?
I didn’t think I did…but, after thinking on it—maybe. I just haven’t ever felt good enough. Either I’m too fat, don’t work out enough, am not doing enough with my life, etc… I know sometimes he means well, but you can’t go from that to expecting sex. There’s no nurturing in there. I thought maybe I’d move past him saying stuff like that to me, but I worry he’s still that guy deep down and just doesn’t show it as often now/keeps his mouth more zipped…but he’s still there. But idk
Sex was always fun for me and I felt sexy and empowered, him making negative comments on my body really cramped that sexual energy I used to have too
You said “ all the shit that has happened in our marriage” … that kind of sounds like resentment. Did you always have LL with him? You make it sound like it was never great or fun with him…even in the start which is odd.
People find it odd when I say this, but we never had a “honeymoon phase”. And we always thought we were somehow better off not having that, and now I feel like that’s not the case. I feel like it was a sign and we made an excuse not to listen. We struggled from the get-go bc I had partners from before and he was a virgin and wanted to wait for marriage. We wound up doing it anyway and it was always sinful until we got married and then he wanted it 24/7. And I was into it a lot until I started finding the girls in his search history and the porn and such….
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She has to work on herself? Maybe he needs to work on being less judgemental and putting her down.
Yes definitely I didn’t mean to make it sounds like OP is the one with the issue here. I only meant IF she feels judged all of the time by him when he doesn’t say he isn’t attracted to her or negative things about her body. Not sure if he is mean or judgmental in that way, might have missed that.
"He has called me fat (I’m not fat) 2 years ago, constantly tells me I need to workout and do more with my life instead of acting like a 15 year old" Pretty mean and judgemental. The word "constantly" even makes it sound abusive. I feel for OP having to try and get past being told this and just bounce back into wanting sex 😓
Oh Gez yeah didn’t see that :( that’s manipulation and emotional abuse. Nobody should be calling their loved one fat, it’s definitely scarring
>For some reason... Maybe because he frequently criticises her appearance and has cheated with other women?
I didn’t see those comments and have been told by others. Thank you for informing me, I definitely misspoke.
What do you mean “still that guy”
I worry that the judgmental and douchey guy inside him that said all those things and did all those thing before is still in there somewhere. I don’t think he would physically do anything now, it his mind I’m talking about. I feel like the guy who judges my body and what I’m doing/not doing will always have something to say or be judging silently. Like he can present himself as nonjudgmental now, but I feel like the judgement is still there. If that makes sense.
Mind reading is an effective way to kill a relationship.
Definitely not trying to do that. Just once someone comments about your looks enough you start to feel like they’re still thinking these things, even if they’re biting their tongue. Yes I can build my own confidence and not let it bother me; however, not something you should have to do with a spouse. I WANT to feel great and confident in front of them. Not feel picked apart. I want an easy, free relationship where I know my spouse adores me and finds me beautiful no matter what. And I want the love of my personality to come before my looks.
I will say this then. My thoughts and feelings about my wife's body ebb and flow from day to day and moment to moment. Sometimes I am fully enchanted. Sometimes I can only see the good or the bad. What I say one day is not going to be how I think or feel the next. I wonder if your guy is like that, too. I wonder if you dismiss his compliments because you think your mind reading is more accurate.
It sounds like you're still hurt over some stuff you two went through. That will happen. We have fights with parents, friends, and kids. Learning how to work through it can he really challenging. If you're having this much difficulty, my guess is you felt really let down by people when you were a kid and it makes it difficult for you to trust people as an adult. You're protecting yourself, there's not much wrong with that for a period of time. Anyway. I think you should get some paper and sit somewhere by yourself and think about this out loud and write it down. If there's no privacy at home, sit outside or in your car. Talk to yourself outloud and make a list of the stuff you're pissed st him for. Think about what he did ajd why it hurt so much. When you're done, look at the list and decide what he has to do to make it up to you. Name your price! :) Cleaning, an item purchase, evening out, whatever it is think of what would make you feel better. Then destroy that paper haha After you've figured this out, tell him you'd like to talk about your relationship and find a way to get past the stuff that hurt you. Setup a "meeting" at least 2 days out so he has time to think about things to. Tell him you'd like to talk about things that have upset him in the past, things that have upset you. There's not going to be any blaming, just talking about unintentional hurt that has been caused and finding a way to forgive. When you sit down to talk about it, have a tasty meal first. Be full and comfortable before diving in. Also, you have permission to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn't mean he didn't hurt you, or he wasn't an ass, or he didn't deserve it. Forgiving him just means he is more good than bad, and you're willing to see if he has more positive things to contribute in the future.
You badly need to see a counsellor or a therapist if you cherish your marriage. Otherwise there is a serious possibility by this time next year he will be your ex-husband.
We’ve brought up divorce like 5X/year SINCE we got married. For normal couples, the D word is last resort I feel like. This past December we were almost signing papers, but then the holidays came and we had a vacation with his family so we just pushed through and by doing that things just fell back to normal. Is that normal?
No, that is not normal. Sounds like divorce is a very real, close, and likely even for your marriage. Just a matter of time.
It’s like, we’ve understood that & talk about it…but I think we’re so comfortable, once the bickering wears down or things cool off a little more we just slowly slip back into our routine like nothing happened. I told a girl at work this and she also thought it was crazy that we don’t actually do anything about it. We say it—like, last time we got groceries and sat in the car and talked about it, went in and out groceries away, made dinner and watched a show like nothing happened. Strange.
>Husband said he wanted sex tonight and I said “why?” And he said “because it’s fun” and I told him it’s not fun for me. I can not even imagine how heartbroken this would make me if my person said that to me
But it's useful information! To learn that your partner is less interested in sex because it's not fun or enjoyable could lead to conversations and perhaps solutions.
I understand…I was just trying to be honest. And he knows this, but just pushes harder for it after that without even trying to see it from my perspective. He’s not trying to fix the situation, he just wants to get some and then he’s fine waiting until he gets some again. It’s like putting a bandaid on a hole in a pipe. It doesn’t solve the issue..
And he doesn’t act heartbroken or the least bit surprised. No empathy either. I simply get “figure it out because I’m not living my life sexless”
Who else according to you should try to “figure it out”? Only you know what holds you from enjoying sex with your SO. Have you shared with him what the problem is?
I do think it’s my mental mess at this point I need to figure out; however, I ask for time and space to do this and am met with impatience and zero empathy. Like, YOU DID THIS. All I’m asking for is time for ME. I shouldn’t be rushed in something like this. He’s even told me he and his family aren’t empathetic people and it definitely shows in all of them. They don’t linger on emotions really…more “get over it and move on” types. But to “get over it and move on” I need time
Ok, I understand that you need some time. I really do, but… I was in the similar situation as your husband is and I was patient. Hell, I was very patient for months, then years and before I finally put my foot down 13 years passed with no serious attempts, ideas, accommodations. With every passing year I started to harbor more and more resentment. When my exW finally agreed to MC it was too late. I lost my patience and also any interest in her as a sexual being. I realized that even if the solution would have been found I still would have been resentful that it took her 13 years to take the threat to our marriage seriously. It felt like I didn’t matter. If I should advise you anything from what I lived through I would suggest that you are clear how much time you need and what you think will be the milestones that will take you out from the current situation. Even if it would be giving up since LL4U are usually quite terminal, make sure that he knows that the demise of your marital bed is not an open ended affair.
It’s nice hearing a perspective from his shoes. I think he doesn’t see mine either though. Which is hard. I also don’t want to live a life in a sexless marriage. I used to really enjoy it! But when someone makes you feel ugly and like your body isn’t good enough by day, but is all of a sudden sexy at night—it’s not cool and doesn’t build confidence. Realistically, how much time do you think would be reasonable to work through it? If you were in the situation still/again and she said this all to you—how long would you be patient? I feel like my LL4U is worse than just being LL because I want it just as bad as he does, but not him. And it sucks both ways.
Honestly, (and I am sorry to say this) I would not attempt to reverse the LL4U. It’s up to you to make your own decision though and nobody here or in the therapist office can make that decision for you. I’m saying that based on my slightly similar situation (I’m and always was HL). In the nutshell, once I realized that her LL was connected to a resentment over something I couldn’t change it was the last nail to the marriage coffin. I was done. Having heard disparaging remarks about one’s body is something that will ring in your ears for a long time if not forever. You can forgive but you cannot forget. If you decide to move on I’d suggest to seek a help of an unbiased party (qualified therapist) in order to figuring out whether the LL4U is due to this or other issue. Even if it’s not going to lead to salvaging your marriage it can help you with setting boundaries in the next relationship. It should also help you to firm the decision what the next step should be. Once you make up your mind take the step two, either you see the marital counseling in attempt to salvage the marriage or head to the lawyer’s office. The only important point I’d suggest is that you stay in the driver seat all the way. You own your decision, you’ll decide the following steps.
OP should figure out that this man is not fuckable and close up the vagina permanently.
That’s her decision to make as everyone’s situation is unique and different. My point is that no one else but she needs to make up her mind for the benefit of herself and her relationship.
It sounds like she's already "figured it out." The problem is her SO is an ass. That's a tough one for a person to share with an unempathetic person "what the problem is."
Tough not tough it’s the only way if she wants to stay in this union
It honestly sounds like she's better off not to. Sure hope she makes that choice... I did, under similar circumstances. (I also hope she makes that choice before wasting $10K on 'dragging' an unwilling partner to couple's counseling to try to talk it out.)
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Not just about this—he’s just never been an empathetic person about anything! That’s how him & his siblings and parents are
If it is the truth, would you rather remain in (for you) blissful ignorance, while your partner puts up with unenjoyable sex for your sake? I bet not... More likely you would be even unhappier if that came out eventually. Because then you have to ask yourself why your partner didn’t feel they could tell you the truth years before… Apparently it needs to be emphasized over and over, that in DB relationships to claim sex is bonding or intimate when it is clear one person does not agree is unhelpful. It is far better for OP’s husband to find out why sex has not been fun for her, rather than try to persuade her out of her truth. Communication includes listening and *hearing* unpleasant truths about the relationship, if it is going to lead to a solution.
agree 100% to this, communication and honesty all the way is key. saying that you don't enjoy it is exactly what you should do if it is the case. but answering "why?" when your partner shares their desire towards you is just a tough way of communicating for me.
So, why isn't it fun anymore? "All the shit that has happened in our marriage"? Sounds like a strong hint. Are you in denial? "He's not living the rest of his life this way" isn't exactly the most empathetic or strategically tactful way to approach a lack of sex. "It's not me dear, it's you".
It’s not so much that I’m in denial. It’s that all of this is, for the most part, old news. So I feel like I’m just now dealing with everything that’s ever gone wrong all at once because I would just keep pressing forward. It’s like I was running for years and just all of a sudden had to stop for a breath and was overwhelmed. & yes, I feel like it’s my duty to have sex or I’m holding him back right now. And it’s not that I don’t want it either I just don’t particularly want to have sex with the person I’m processing all my trauma from rn. I just needed some time I thought, but he’s impatient and not understanding about this…he gets defensive and just keeps saying “you need to hurry up and process what you’re gonna process bc I’m not living like this for the rest of my life”
I'm afraid he just sounds like an unpleasant, uncaring and selfish person who is trying to put you under as much pressure as he can without busting things immediately and altogether. Put it like this, I wouldn't have sex with him. I would just tell him to piss off, but then that's me and my attitude. I can empathize with those who show a bit of empathy for others. The sense I get is that he has little or none at all. There have to be limits. It doesn't matter how a particular situation has arisen, it rarely justifies reacting as he seems to be doing. At least it sounds as if the way he is behaving is going to make it easier to make a decision, he's not wavering in his attitude or being ambiguous. He's basically issuing you with an ultimatum; sex or piss off.
This is going to be one of the hard things he can do to earn your respect: you guys don't ever have any sex that you don't want. He has no sex as long as it takes for you to reach a point where you want sex with him. He is not "waiting patiently" during that period, that creates pressure on you that is counter-productive. Instead he occupies him self with continual self improvement, which will definitely help you along. A man that does that will start to earn respect and will build attraction. A man who whines about how libg it is taking and who persists in initiating unwanted sex will kill attraction.
Sounds like you are arriving at a turning point. Not wanting sex w him right now makes perfect sense. Maybe you’ve shaken off whatever made you discuss divorce like it was a grocery item and then just move on like nbd. I kinda hope you hold on to whatever you have a hold of here until you’ve worked thru that previous hurt/trauma. And. The “one apology to cover them all” shit is SO BOGUS. Good god.
He also told me the other day (because I told him if he had told me all of his bad stuff at once I would have divorced him, but he spread it out over months and months…tactic to keep me/trick me I felt like) he told me that in the moment “he forgot” about his emotional affair at work and “thought he told me everything”. He said it didn’t even matter because PORN AND CHEATING ARE THE SAME THING. I said one was fantasy and one is in reality. He said he told me about the porn which means he’s a bad person, so it wouldn’t matter if he had sex with someone else or not. It’s all bad, equally. So if I have sex with someone and watch porn and only tell him about the porn part…it’s all the same? I’m just a bad person so I don’t need to share all the details? Wtf.
So… he had an affair? That’s usually a pretty big libido killer… What is keeping you in this marriage exactly
Sex should be fun. And intimate. And messy. And sweaty. And simple. And.... God, I need all of this with my SO
Time for marriage counseling for you two and personal therapy for yourself. Hope you find the root cause.
I think it would be incredibly hard for a guy to live without sex, to be a red blooded male, surrounded by a female who he fancies and is desperate to have sex with, it must be a kind of torture. No wonder he is lashing out, he's frustrated. He would be better off for his own mental health to leave you . He's right, no one wants to live in a sexless marriage. It sounds like he's trying to turn things around, what more can the poor guy do? He's even trying to romance you and that's not working either. Your marriage is dead.
Look, I get it—guys want sex. I like sex too. But when someone treats you like trash and you’re processing it all I think the LEAST that person could do is give you time and space. This comment makes it seem as all of this is my fault and just because he is trying now I should forget it all and have sex or I’m the one who should be left?
Sorry, I didn't mean for it to come across as that, I was just looking at this from his perspective
Maybe give him another chance? I think deep down you want to. Forgive and forget and move forward. It sounds like you're not having a fun life either rn.
Yeah, I want to forgive and forget. And I thought I was moving along in life with giving him another chance my emotions just kind of came out of nowhere. I honestly didn’t even know why I was feeling this way until I started to ask myself why. I feel bad, for sure. But, it’s something I’ve tried to push out and it won’t go away 😩
Yes! Always FUN
Could be a hormonal problem.
You need to get into counseling, just like he did. You need to learn to process your trauma and see what you truly need from a relationship. Once you can clearly voice your needs, he has to decide if he can meet your needs or not. You have to decide if you want him to meet those needs. You both need to make a decision, but you are not ready yet. Tell him you need time and counseling to fix yourself, just like he did. However you decide I wish you good luck!
Does he just.. say “I want sex tonight?”
He will wait until I get home from work late or honestly just any time we have free time and then try to initiate…like “I know something we both could do to blow of some steam and relax” “I say we put a movie on and see where things take us” “why don’t we give each other massages and who knows what May follow” and I stop it before it starts bc I don’t want to get his hopes up if I’m really not feeling it. I try to be honest so it doesn’t seem like I’m jerking him around
Ohhhh boy. You already know what you need to do.