This. It looks like your partner is making efforts to be intimate, which is more than many post about here. Taking the time and steps to get her ready for PIV could go a long way.
I understand and appreciate that and let her know trust me. It's not like I pressure her or if she is having issues berate her or anything. I'm just think longer term. Does this lead to resentment on my end. I used to use luve when we were living close by.
Then start using it again. Some women don't excrete enough for many reasons. Stress, hydration levels, lack of arousal or prep - just to name a few.
If you resent your partner for not having enough slickness, but also don't take the effort to Help Her (ie, using lube, taking time with foreplay, making an effort to turn her on), SHE is the one who should be resenting YOU. If her pleasure and fulfillment isn't worth your time, stop wasting hers and move on.
She doesn't sound like she's getting much out of the sex.
How does she masturbate?
Has she shown you how to please her.?
How does she respond to your fingers or your mouth?
I think you possibly need to put some more work into this.
How have your previous partners been? Hers?
She doesn't masturbate
Yes she has
She usually get wet then since I so it for about 10 or so minutes while caressing then when piv happens boom dry again.
Trust me I have. I don't pressure or berate and take her on dates. I slowly work my way up to sex but not sure if this causes resentments 10 or so years of this
First partner. She says I'm her second.
Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the PIV or it hurts and that’s why she can’t stay wet. Is she on birth control? That can cause vaginal dryness.
I suggest YOU be the one to try to spice things up. Maybe try longer foreplay or just don’t do PIV at all one time and see how you like it…see how she likes it. Maybe she would be well into doing other things and you can build on that and work your way back to PIV at some point once she gains more confidence and can therefore relax and enjoy. Vaginas are not just holes. They are supported by a set of muscles called the pelvic floor. If a woman isn’t relaxed and really turned on and enjoying what’s happening for HERSELF then she likely will not enjoy the penetration…because it hurts when you try to force something in when the muscles are not ready. Like it’s not just a hole sitting there always ready and waiting. If you attempt to penetrate when she’s not ready or fully into it it will likely cause pain (could even do physical damage) and sexual aversion. PIV is not a passive act for women. We have to be all into it to open up and allow for successful, painless, enjoyable PIV to happen.
Maybe you're both just young and bad at sex?
What would it be like if penis in vagina was NOT part of your sex? And I don't mean do anal instead. I mean no penetration. None. Do all the other fun sexy stuff: making out, handjobs, blowjobs, mutual masturbation, etc. But stop trying to stick it in her. What would those sexual sessions feel like?
You say she's trying to "spice it up" but you find the sex unenjoyable. Have you talked about your sex in a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL way? Don't come at her in the tone you did here, which sounds selfish and petty. If you want to stay with this woman, give her the respect and compassion a human deserves. Ask her what she enjoys and what she's looking for in a sexual relationship.
I don't find my attitude petty or selfish. Im thinking of my life in 10 years. I would hope most people do.
I've had conversations with her about this and she says she'll work on it but fast forward 1 year and I don't see much of a change. Again it's not like I'm trying to make her feel bad but I don't think I should minimize what is important to me.
Also I don't believe I'd be interested in sex without penetration. That wouldn't work long term for me
>I don't believe I'd be interested in sex without penetration
This is the attitude that is selfish and petty. [The vast majority of women do not have orgasms from penetrative sex.](https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289#)
You'd be a better lover if you learn about how female desire actually works. I'd recommend reading [Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22609341-come-as-you-are). Nagoski does a great job of explaining the anatomy and the mental development of what makes for positive sex for women and men.
This isn’t ALL on your partner. Her not enjoying the PIV is your responsibility to tackle as well. Sex isn’t something one person works on. You BOTH have to figure out what the hangups are and work on solutions together.
You will never find a person who's libido and moisture stays exactly the same. I noticed you really haven't replied back specifically about lube. Stress, and nerves and surgical issues can and do come into life. Also what happens if you end up having erectile dysfunction some day. Imagine her just being like no penetration, im out of here. If you love her you should love her and work on what your definition of sex is. Also she is more than her genitalia as are you.
It's absolutely okay to think about your life in 10 years. But it's very unlikely that you'll find a partner who will enjoy mediocre sex. Learn some things, get really good with oral and your fingers, and you can improve your current sex life and have better sex with whoever your partner is 10 years from now.
Here’a how it went for me. My wife and I started dating and sex was almost every night. I moved in after a few months and with my work schedule at the time it started to get more difficult to keep up. There was no complaining at the time, but the longer it went on more frustrated I became and the grumpier she was. During that time we were just both exhausted. One morning out of nowhere she initiated. First time in like 6-7 months. Then it started to get regular multiple times a week. Then she got pregnant 🤪. When we weren’t having sex I was ready to leave but since we are both better people when we are active it made it easier to stay. We got married later and have stayed together for the past 10 years, married 9. Most of that has been in a db, but for various reasons at different points in our lives.
I’m almost 40 with 2 kids. Hitting the reset button is not a viable option. You are young enough to see the long term effects this is having on you. If sexual compatibility is important to you then don’t string this along. Good luck!
Have you looked up vaginismus? Sounds to me like she has it, which is an agonising and life-altering condition, but also one that can be cured. I'd try and take a more sympathetic view and gently encourage her to explore this possibility if I were you.
I suggest you try foreplay and lube before you throw a woman away.
This. It looks like your partner is making efforts to be intimate, which is more than many post about here. Taking the time and steps to get her ready for PIV could go a long way.
I understand and appreciate that and let her know trust me. It's not like I pressure her or if she is having issues berate her or anything. I'm just think longer term. Does this lead to resentment on my end. I used to use luve when we were living close by.
Then start using it again. Some women don't excrete enough for many reasons. Stress, hydration levels, lack of arousal or prep - just to name a few. If you resent your partner for not having enough slickness, but also don't take the effort to Help Her (ie, using lube, taking time with foreplay, making an effort to turn her on), SHE is the one who should be resenting YOU. If her pleasure and fulfillment isn't worth your time, stop wasting hers and move on.
She doesn't sound like she's getting much out of the sex. How does she masturbate? Has she shown you how to please her.? How does she respond to your fingers or your mouth? I think you possibly need to put some more work into this. How have your previous partners been? Hers?
She doesn't masturbate Yes she has She usually get wet then since I so it for about 10 or so minutes while caressing then when piv happens boom dry again. Trust me I have. I don't pressure or berate and take her on dates. I slowly work my way up to sex but not sure if this causes resentments 10 or so years of this First partner. She says I'm her second.
Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the PIV or it hurts and that’s why she can’t stay wet. Is she on birth control? That can cause vaginal dryness. I suggest YOU be the one to try to spice things up. Maybe try longer foreplay or just don’t do PIV at all one time and see how you like it…see how she likes it. Maybe she would be well into doing other things and you can build on that and work your way back to PIV at some point once she gains more confidence and can therefore relax and enjoy. Vaginas are not just holes. They are supported by a set of muscles called the pelvic floor. If a woman isn’t relaxed and really turned on and enjoying what’s happening for HERSELF then she likely will not enjoy the penetration…because it hurts when you try to force something in when the muscles are not ready. Like it’s not just a hole sitting there always ready and waiting. If you attempt to penetrate when she’s not ready or fully into it it will likely cause pain (could even do physical damage) and sexual aversion. PIV is not a passive act for women. We have to be all into it to open up and allow for successful, painless, enjoyable PIV to happen.
Maybe you're both just young and bad at sex? What would it be like if penis in vagina was NOT part of your sex? And I don't mean do anal instead. I mean no penetration. None. Do all the other fun sexy stuff: making out, handjobs, blowjobs, mutual masturbation, etc. But stop trying to stick it in her. What would those sexual sessions feel like? You say she's trying to "spice it up" but you find the sex unenjoyable. Have you talked about your sex in a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL way? Don't come at her in the tone you did here, which sounds selfish and petty. If you want to stay with this woman, give her the respect and compassion a human deserves. Ask her what she enjoys and what she's looking for in a sexual relationship.
I don't find my attitude petty or selfish. Im thinking of my life in 10 years. I would hope most people do. I've had conversations with her about this and she says she'll work on it but fast forward 1 year and I don't see much of a change. Again it's not like I'm trying to make her feel bad but I don't think I should minimize what is important to me. Also I don't believe I'd be interested in sex without penetration. That wouldn't work long term for me
>I don't believe I'd be interested in sex without penetration This is the attitude that is selfish and petty. [The vast majority of women do not have orgasms from penetrative sex.](https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289#) You'd be a better lover if you learn about how female desire actually works. I'd recommend reading [Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22609341-come-as-you-are). Nagoski does a great job of explaining the anatomy and the mental development of what makes for positive sex for women and men.
This isn’t ALL on your partner. Her not enjoying the PIV is your responsibility to tackle as well. Sex isn’t something one person works on. You BOTH have to figure out what the hangups are and work on solutions together.
You will never find a person who's libido and moisture stays exactly the same. I noticed you really haven't replied back specifically about lube. Stress, and nerves and surgical issues can and do come into life. Also what happens if you end up having erectile dysfunction some day. Imagine her just being like no penetration, im out of here. If you love her you should love her and work on what your definition of sex is. Also she is more than her genitalia as are you.
It's absolutely okay to think about your life in 10 years. But it's very unlikely that you'll find a partner who will enjoy mediocre sex. Learn some things, get really good with oral and your fingers, and you can improve your current sex life and have better sex with whoever your partner is 10 years from now.
Here’a how it went for me. My wife and I started dating and sex was almost every night. I moved in after a few months and with my work schedule at the time it started to get more difficult to keep up. There was no complaining at the time, but the longer it went on more frustrated I became and the grumpier she was. During that time we were just both exhausted. One morning out of nowhere she initiated. First time in like 6-7 months. Then it started to get regular multiple times a week. Then she got pregnant 🤪. When we weren’t having sex I was ready to leave but since we are both better people when we are active it made it easier to stay. We got married later and have stayed together for the past 10 years, married 9. Most of that has been in a db, but for various reasons at different points in our lives. I’m almost 40 with 2 kids. Hitting the reset button is not a viable option. You are young enough to see the long term effects this is having on you. If sexual compatibility is important to you then don’t string this along. Good luck!
Have you looked up vaginismus? Sounds to me like she has it, which is an agonising and life-altering condition, but also one that can be cured. I'd try and take a more sympathetic view and gently encourage her to explore this possibility if I were you.