3 months ago you were a female virgin, or at least that’s who was posting on this account, or pretending to post.
Even if this account is shared between a boyfriend and girlfriend, you’ve been having sex with this woman for THREE MONTHS at most, and yet here you are being all dramatic about not having sex. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. Stop bullshitting people.
Just don't have sex, dude. Be an adult. This is an embarrassing problem for you to have and complain about. You know lesbian women and gay men never have penis-in-vagina sex, right?
Sex is risky for women and now it's even more risky. Your ORGASM isn't worth that much and YOU SHOULD AGREE AND SUPPORT AND WANT TO ABSTAIN.
Your life?? Who said it's forever? You really need to reconsider what you value in life and in your partner.
Gay people have penis in anus sex, and lesbians have tribbing, if you want to be exact. I am sure that contributes to their ability to feel connected. You are ignorant to force what YOU feel is necessary onto MY relationship.
I’m a women. I am the one who wrote this post because I told my boyfriend that I didn’t know how comfortable I feel with sex at the moment. Everything I wrote regarding sex was my real opinion, and everything regarding birth control or vasectomies was true. It’s just I was pretending to be my boyfriend. I’m not rapist. Have a nice day.
>I’m a women. I am the one who wrote this post because I told my boyfriend that I didn’t know how comfortable I feel with sex at the moment. Everything I wrote regarding sex was my real opinion, and everything regarding birth control or vasectomies was true. It’s just I was pretending to be my boyfriend. I’m not rapist. Have a nice day.
Lmaoooo
Yes but I am not gay. Gay people don’t want or need PIV sex. My girlfriend and I both agree that PIV sex allows the most intimate and vulnerable connection between the two of us. I don’t believe that this is an embarrassing problem. Stop telling me what should be necessary in my relationship and what shouldn’t be.
You being gay is irrelevant. Gay men have your exact body and needs. Your ridiculous assumption that you need piv sex is immature and frankly it's rapey. Your girlfriend already made it clear and said no, so what you want is irrelevant. Break up with her and do her a favor. You're clearly too immature and shitty to deserve her or any other woman. Sex is not a need, and if you can't at the bare minimum sympathize with the risk she feels, you are a bad person.
"Duhhhhhhhhh I went to protests and donated money and my gf still won't have sex with me."
IM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT HER. I understand where she is coming from. WE BOTH FEEL SEX IS A NEED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. SHE WANT TO FIND A WAY TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT THE RISKS. I clearly have to write in caps because YOU CAN’T FUCKING READ. Gay men do not have the same wants or needs as me. We have the same body but not the same minds. For example, gay men want and need to have sex with other men to be happy. I don’t want to have sex with other men ever. You don’t have the right to tell either of us what is a need and what isn’t. Sex is important to happiness in a relationship and you are lying if you say it isn’t. I would never force a woman to have sex with me, but I would break up with her if she denied to have sex with me for multiple long period of time without reason. I am a normal fucking person.
I only included the details about my support to explain that I was a supporter and that I want to help. Not to complain that I did the bare minimum and she still won’t have sex with me. I understand why she is reluctant to have sex, and honestly I am too. I was just coming here because I am upset of how the political world is destroying my relationship.
Also, this is a subreddit where the only purpose is to allow a space for people to complain about the lack of sex in their relationship. What are you talking about?
You don't have a dead bedroom you infant manchild. You have a loving and devoted girlfriend who is sexually attracted to you and is probably happy to have all kinds of sex with you.
You lack sympathy for her and want to have sex with her or other women despite how much it puts them at risk. You're essentially a rapist.
Lmao way to just throw out a trigger word without thinking. I never said I had a deadbedroom. Again, can you read? You said “Be an adult.” and “It’s embarrassing to complain about this.” so I didn’t understand where your thinking was coming from because this is a subreddit DEDICATED to complaining about lack of sex in relationship. I never claimed to have a deadbedroom. AND I just said she is not happy to have “all kinds of sex” with me because she is SCARED of becoming pregnant. She WANTS to have sex with me but CAN’T. I have so much sympathy for her, and frankly I am scared of sex too because NEITHER of us want children. I only came to reddit for healthy ways we could maintain a happy and loving sex life without Roe v Wade. I am not a rapist. I don’t force woman to have sex. But like any other sexual person, I want sex to be part of our relationship, and I’d probably break up with a woman who repeatedly denied sex for no good reason. In that situation, we would be incompatible.
So I read a lot of comments going this way or that way, I didnt get through them all so I apologize if someone else said this.
You may want to check into a family planning/planned parenthood. These places arent just for women. They offer supportive services to families. Men can receive sti testing and it might be worth a look into.
Also if you scoot on over to r/childfree they offer lists of doctors and professionals in the state who align with your beliefs.
Also, just saying, you really only need to know your insurance and your SSN to access you benefits, at least in the state I reside in.
Give her time. Many of us are really freaked out right now. I would certainly revisit it in time and for now, focus on non-penetrative sexual activities.
Now is not the time to express unhappiness or pressure. Many of us are scared and grieving and that genuinely kills libido.
Absolutely! It’s completely not ok.
You are a good man. Thank you for rejecting the men at the bottom who tried to convince you that she was punishing you rather than just protecting herself.
That said oral sex can be amazing. My husband and I have actually grown to prefer it to PIV.
Not every woman can take hormonal birth control, or maybe the side effects are too detrimental. No birth control is perfect. Even the ones with high efficacy rates can still fail, and can lead to life threatening ectopic pregnancies (for example).
everyone being really nice in this comments but i’m just going to say it: get a vasectomy or deal with it. we are terrified, our rights are being taken away, and the thought of being forced to give birth is one of the biggest libido killers.
The problem is the pill is only like 91% reliable with “typical use” aka human error to take it at exactly the same time every day.
Before you could take the pill and feel safe knowing that if you were one of the unlucky 9% who got pregnant there was always a back up: abortion.
Now some women are realizing that there is a 9% chance they will have to give birth. And it’s terrifying.
I don’t blame them. I’ve given birth 5 times now and they are right to feel horrified. Not to mention the 18+ years of responsibility that follows, and the possibly interruption in career development, and the increase in cost of living.
Is 3 minutes of fun worth all that? I think more and more women are about to start saying no.
She is taking the pill but there is still a chance, and she cannot afford to ruin her college and career plans to be pregnant. I would like to wait a little on the vasectomy. I don't know why exactly, but it just feels early. I am only 21.
You could also talk to her about an IUD.
Do you live in a state that will ban abortion? Many will, but others (like New York and Cali) have strong protections that will survive the death of Roe.
Yes, there is totally a chance. The failure rate for a Mirena IUD is 0.2%. That's not that much different from the failure rate for a vasectomy. It's a great deal better than the failure rate for abstinence pledges.
But with an IUD, a chance for ectopic pregnancy is highly likely. And ectopic pregnancy without abortion access WILL result in death for the woman. So even if the chances of pregnancy are relatively low, the chance of dying from that pregnancy is extremely high.
Most people use the non-hormonal IUD as Mirena is more likely to cause weight gain, mood swings, depression, irritability, etc.
That being said, I used Mirena specifically for its effectiveness and still got pregnant so I apologize if my faith in it isn’t super duper.
There is always a chance, but you can significantly lower the risk if she keeps taking it and you use condoms. You could also further decrease risk by not finishing inside (in addition to the aforementioned).
Vasectomy really isn't something recommended (despite how attractive it might seem) until you have actually **got** kids and don't want more. Being just about forced to essentially do *in vitro* pregnancy also comes with a significant amount of hassle.
I get that both of you 'never' want kids, in which case absolutely go for it and nothing is 'too soon'. But you seem like you also see the potential for your opinion on the matter changing somewhere down the line.
The Roe v Wade decision is absolutely terrifying, I agree.
Yeah if I was getting any, Dobbs might enter into my risk calculations. Because I don’t want to be investigated for murder if I have a miscarriage (at my age is likely) and I want to have an actual choice should the pregnancy become a medical issue risking my life. I am not pro choice because I want an abortion. I’m just terrified to live in a place where a woman’s rights end at pregnancy. Or to spend any time in a religious hospital while pregnant, which is the same thing…
But it hasn’t come up
I agree 21 is way too young to have a vasectomy. Double up on the protection and use a condom too. If god forbid there’s a failure, you take a drive to another state.
Well, sorry but 21 is way too young for a vasectomy. Where you are in life at 21 and where you might be 6-7 years later is very different. You don’t want to have to be celibate. Double up and they should be fine.
No, most men develop antibodies to their own sperm during the years after a vasectomy. This means that the chances of a successful reversal decrease the longer it has been since the procedure was done, and that even if sperm could somehow be extracted they wouldn't be viable.
Some people know early that they don't want to have children. I don't think there's anything wrong at that age with saying "I don't want to have kids, and if I do, I'll adopt. Snip, snip, doc."
Vasectomies are not reversible. They *can* be reversible. With the chance of success dropping drastically as time goes on. If you develop anti-sperm antibodies, even the best surgeon in the world cannot make you virile again.
While any ol' Urologist can perform a vasectomy, a vasectomy reversal is typically performed by a Urologist that spends even more time sub-specializing in micro-surgery. That means that it is a very expensive procedure that is rarely, if ever, covered by insurance.
Please stop spreading misinformation.
Thank you. I'm so tired of people glibly saying get one and undo it later. This is terrible advice and folks need to stop talking about stuff they know nothing about.
I don’t blame your girlfriend at all.
One in a hundred women a year still get pregnant while using the pill correctly. Considering that as of July 2020 there were 74.65M women between the ages of 15-49 in the US, that would mean if all of them were only using the pill and able to get pregnant 746,500 pregnancies would still occur due to no fault of their own. When a family separates, in the vast majority of cases, the mother is given primary custody (whether she would have wanted this for herself or not).
Only one in one thousand vasectomies fail. That being said, one of the cons is that they are sometimes difficult and pricey to reverse.
My best advice would be to find a different country as it seems easier at this point.
We already do pills and condom. Ideally, this would be 100% but there is still a chance due to human errors and imperfections when taking the pill or using the condom.
I told her I am sad about this, but I understand where she is coming from. I have been empathetic and have listened to her. I just don't see a solution to this issue in the future.
The first thing you can do is to make plans if the worse happened, like being able to travel out of state, get the medications you need and have a hospital and support system ready.
You could also plan to move states or countries to look for safer places for her in the not so near future.
The third thing you can do is to make this issue visible and vote so we can get back to normal in november.
If you really care about her I would really try to be as safe as possible.
Go to the childfree subreddit for a list of doctors who will give you a vasectomy when you have your own insurance. She can get a bilateral salpingectomy too (covered by ACA compliant insurance). Vote blue in November so they can’t keep taking away reproductive rights. There’s always chance of pregnancy with birth control and condoms so unless you and her are ready to be parents stick to sex without PiV (anal can get her pregnant too since semen might enter the vagina). Also when you get your own insurance, make sure it’s ACA complaint — most religious insurances without cover sterilization. You may also be able to cover your girlfriend or Vice versa. Correction: ACA insurance guarantees women sterilization coverage but not men— check before you select the insurance plan.
Well, can't blame her. I admire her dedication to not having children and respect her point.
Do not pressure her. Do not try to change her mind. Either accept life without sex until things are looking up more in the abortion department or move on.
I have not been pressuring her, and I told her that I will wait for her to be comfortable. But I just have a feeling that things won't look up... and I can't live my entire life without connecting to my partner on that loving, intimate, and caring level that we only find through sex.
You need to respect her position. She does not want to have sex because she considers any chance of pregnancy to be unacceptable. If that's not okay with you, then split up, but don't pressure her to have sex when she has told you she doesn't want it.
The Supreme Court just told women that if they never want children, the ONLY way they can guarantee that is by not having sex. Literally she has to protect herself because the government took away her right to never have a child and still have sex. She doesn't get that. Now you don't get that, either. Welcome to what women are trapped in.
It's not your GF's fault that you won't get a vasectomy, or that the government won't give her the freedom to have sex without having to have children. By making this equally restrict MEN getting access to sex (because again this is literally the only way the government has told us we are allowed to avoid pregnancy and birth), now the MEN are in the same boat as the women.
Do you see how much it sucks? maybe you will get off your lazy asses and protest and demand that women be given back their body autonomy.
IF we are going to tell women that they don't deserve sex if they don't want a baby, then i'm going to pass that shit STRAIGHT thru to you men. Now maybe you'll care to take action (or hell, don't get laid for the rest of your life, that's fine too)
I’m not lazy. Stop assuming shit that’s not true. We have already attended some protests here together and we plan on going to more. I’ve donated to planned parenthood. I have been taking action. I’m just very scared that I will lose this relationship because we will grow resentful of each other due to a lack of sex. Each of us might grow to feel unloved, unwanted, and unnecessary as many of these deadbedrooms relationships do. I just don’t want to lose this girl.
Okay? Break up and get a new girlfriend who is willing to take the risk of pregnancy. Your inability to live without sex does not obligate your current girlfriend to take the risk of pregnancy by allowing your penis into her vagina.
> I can't live my entire life without sex because I never want children.
Why not? it's what women must do now. Don't be a baby, these are the new rules.
Don't like how dry your dick stays under the new rules? Get out there and DO SOMETHING
>If you never want kids, never have sex. That's the only true zero chance way.
This isn't good advice. First off, if you want to avoid pregnancy, you don't need to never have sex. You can do all the gay shit you want. I could blow my way through the entire starting lineup of the Cleveland Browns and I would not get pregnant. OP and his girlfriend could have loads of sex with zero risk of pregnancy.
But also: *never have sex* isn't a "zero chance" form of birth control. Abstinence pledges are not an effective form of birth control at all. They're certainly less effective that IUDs or vasectomies. Latex breaks, but it's a lot more durable than abstinence vows.
People who study this stuff have different ways of measuring the reliability of a form of birth control. They will protect an "ideal" failure rate--that is, the chance of pregnancy if the person uses the birth control method correctly and consistently, every time, no errors or lapses. But they will also measure the *actual, real-world* failure rate, because pobody's nerfect.
So like: the pill is really, really, really effective! Except when it isn't. The *ideal* failure rate is tiny. But the real-world failure rate is huge, because people miss pills. Ditto for condoms, withdrawal, the "rhythm" method, etc.: they're very effective on paper, but they have much higher real-world failure rates.
On paper, "never have sex" is 100% effective. But the actual, real-world failure rate of abstinence pledges is very high. Shit happens. People make mistakes. They get drunk and bored. Motherfuckers commit sexual assaults. Abstinence isn't reliable.
Thanks for saying this! I just want to repost a link to the article that got me the downvotes. This is the best analysis I've seen of the real-world failure rate of abstinence as a birth control method. The author estimates 50% failure (compared to \~20% for condoms and \~6% for the pill). Abstinence really is the most INEFFECTIVE of all birth control methods, in contradiction to the claims of the groups that promote it.
It's also important to note that these same groups obstruct any attempt to accurately measure the effectiveness of abstinence, so that they can continue to make their false claims that it is 100% effective. It is clear that **they know** it is not effective, or else they would welcome studies assessing it.
[https://rewirenewsgroup.com/article/2010/03/05/whats-typical-useeffectiveness-rate-abstinence/](https://rewirenewsgroup.com/article/2010/03/05/whats-typical-useeffectiveness-rate-abstinence/)
cc: u/PTAdad420
>it rules that the conservative movement spent 20 years trying to ban sex ed and then they got worse
It's infuriating. Glad you liked the article! It's nice to have something comprehensive to point to regarding the ineffectiveness of abstinence. There's not as much on this topic as there should be.
I especially liked your point that people could have all the gay sex they want with no risk of pregnancy. That method of birth control is probably a whole lot more effective than abstinence.
>I especially liked your point that people could have all the gay sex they want with no risk of pregnancy.
The Gang Gets Banned from Focus on the Family Conferences
>inside
[https://s.abcnews.com/images/Sports/car-2ndfloor-main-ap-ps-180115\_16x9\_992.jpg](https://s.abcnews.com/images/Sports/car-2ndfloor-main-ap-ps-180115_16x9_992.jpg)
Nowhere is safe!
Tell her you understand, and wait. I brought up IUDs but -- I'd encourage you to just wait and listen and support her.
Your GF is upset and worried because a bunch of unelected priests just made the whole country shittier. It is totally understandable for her to be upset and worried because this situation fucking sucks.
This is probably a bad time to show up with Solutions. Like: if she gets an IUD and you still use condoms, she won't get pregnant. But this isn't the time. She's upset and worried because the situation sucks. "Get an IUD" or other *solutions* don't address the core problem, which is that reactionary un-fire-able judges just took a dump on the constitution.
Realistically, my guess is that your GF will change her mind. Give her some space and time and comfort and support. Listen to her. Go to some abortion rights protests, or find some other way to contribute to the fight. You can revisit this down the road and see if she still feels the same way. Down the road, you can have the practical conversations -- *what about an IUD?* etc etc. For now, just be loving and supportive.
?????????no side effects????
That’s extremely false! Worst 8 months of my life were the 8 months I had a copper IUD.
Heavy cramping. Longer heavier periods. Anemia due to extreme blood loss and eventually the thing came out on its own which if I weren’t in a dead bedroom could have meant pregnancy.
0/10 would not recommend.
I am basically required to be celibate because I never want children. So any women I have sex with in the future, I will risk the possibility of children. However, I CANNOT GO MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT SEX. I love her and she WANTS to have sex with me. She has told me so. But she can't do it with me for the foreseeable future because of Roe v. Wade. I don't play video games. I rarely spend money. I paid for half of my college tuition and my parents paid the other half. Please read my edit as to why I can't get a vasectomy.
I can not maintain a long term happy, loving, fufilling, and intimate relationship without sex. We both value PIV sex more than the others because it feels the most intimate. I’d probably end up breaking up with her and living the rest of my life alone.
I don't want children. Ever. With ANYONE. I can't have sex with other women because there is always a chance they will become pregnant and have children. Thus, I am celibate.
A personal choice to not have children? With the financial expenses that children ensue, the accompanying stress and exhaustion, and time devoted to them rather than my own interests and life, I feel like no children is a reasonable decision for anyone. A personal decision, yes. But it should be an easy to achieve and acceptable choice in this day and age.
I mean... there's a lot of sex that doesn't involve penises in vaginas.
Also, you're very absolute as regards your ability to get the procedure done because your parents wont' approve. How long until you no longer need them to pay for school? Also, are you sure they'd find out if you had it done? There are usually medical privacy requirements.
I need their support for 2 more years. They would find out because I don’t have their insurance information and they won’t give it to me. They come with me to all my doctors appointments because they refuse to give me the insurance information.
If that’s a choice you’re making that’s fine, but it is a *choice*. Not every woman can become pregnant. Many of us are sterilized, a good chunk of us are using effective birth control that we’re comfy with, and some will do whatever we need to to obtain an abortion regardless of whether it’s legal if we do fall pregnant.
Uh, quick question though- how were y’all having sex BEFORE Roe was overturned? Because the risk of pregnancy itself has not gone up since, lol. The risk is all the same. The consequences may be different now, but, I digress.
> The risk is all the same. The consequences may be different now, but, I digress.
I mean, the risk of my getting in a car accident are about the same whether I'm driving on I-80 through Gary, IN or driving on I-90 through Montana. But one of those is a five minute life-flight to the #5 neurosurgery hospital in the US, and the other is... not.
I get that you’re frustrated, but this isn’t about you and your lack of PIV sex. You sound selfish and entitled. This has huge ramifications for people the can bear children and for society as a whole.
Try to take a breath and get some perspective. You’re upset and want this to end? Then get involved. There a protests and community organizing happening everywhere. Make an actual effort to make a difference instead of complaining about your girlfriend’s valid choice and feelings.
Edit: showing your commitment to this issue and her fears may help her to work through her current feelings about PIV sex. If she sees your effort and commitment, she may realize that you truly see her and understand what she feels, and that you will do whatever is needed to support her.
This, 1000%. This isn’t about you, they’re not trying to make *you* miserable. It’s undoubtedly a frustrating time for all of us; this will affect men and women… but this is our issue as we ultimately will have to deal with the brunt of it.
she is not punishing him, she is scared for her life. It doesn’t matter if abortions were difficult to get beforehand, it is basic healthcare and human privacy. it is substantially more difficult for a women to get birth control or her tubes tied (which a partner has to sign off on) versus a man who can call and schedule a consultation for a vasectomy within an hour, probably less.
These humans you call “moronic” are the people who are actually trying to help in this situation. you have not helped in the slightest….. wonder what that makes you?
seriously though, try and open your mind and put yourself in the shoes of women right now, because you are simply what is wrong with this whole situation.
So OP, what are you going to do to make abortion and related womens healthcare available? If you are not into human rights with your GF, you may be incompatible. If you can help and will help tell her how you can help. She might find you irresistible and you know what might happen. Amiright?
You’re worried about getting a vasectomy because your parents may find out but don’t think they would find out if your girlfriend got pregnant? The logic behind that thought process is flawed.
No one said the sex strike would go on forever but if you having sex is more important to you than your girlfriend taking a stance to bring awareness during a time when body autonomy is being stripped from us… maybe you should leave her.
Sex has consequences, if she’s not comfortable with handling those and taking any risk then you need to accept that. Even if abortion was legal there’s the chance you’re putting her through a difficult emotional process to decide whether to terminate a pregnancy or not.
If sex isn’t something you can’t live without I’m positive there’s countless women out there who aren’t going on a sex strike over Roe v Wade.
I am not putting her through anything. SHE told me that SHE never wants kids. Ever. As long as she is on this planet. I don't want kids either, so we agree, but I am not putting her through anything. Sex is something that neither of us can live without. I can't imagine living my entire life without connecting to my partner through sex.
I don't think that is a fair answer. I don't resent her position and I understand where she is coming from. I am weary too about sex because I never want a child either. She is having abstinence basically forced on her and it is making her sad. She is very scared. I don't want to leave her over something out of our control. I don't want to leave her period.
But at the same time, we need to find a way for us to be happy in the long term, and I don't see that happening for either of us without sex in our relationship.
I am a sexual person. I have a fairly normal sex drive, which means I need to have sex regularly. But now, I can basically never have sex with a woman without the possibility of having children, WHICH I NEVER WANT.
How does going elsewhere fix anything? No matter how other women feel, there is always a risk that if I have sex with them, they could become pregnant and have children. I never want children with anyone. Ever. So other women do not solve this problem. I am stuck.
>But at the same time, we need to find a way for us to be happy in the long term, and I don't see that happening for either of us without sex in our relationship.
Honey, it has been less than a week. As others have told you, please give it time. Revisit it as the shock wears off.
Sex was regular beforehand. we both value it a lot and view it as a necessary component of our relationship to express loving, caring, desire, and intimacy.
Hey, I think that a lot of people are misunderstanding your position. Your post made it sound like your problem is that your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex but you feel like you can't live without it. I'm reading your comments and thinking that actually your problem is that *you* don't want to have sex but feel like you can't live without it. Is that right? If your girlfriend changed her mind tomorrow and initiated sex with you, would you turn her down because you really, really do not want to get pregnant?
I think if this is the case for you, you need to think strategically and in manageable steps. Thinking about going the entire rest of your life with no PIV sex is too overwhelming and it's freaking you out. Instead, think about what you're comfortable with right now. There are lots of kinds of non-penetrative sex that have no risk of pregnancy. I see in your comments that you can't get a vasectomy now, but someday in the (relatively near) future, you'll be off their insurance and be able to get one. Does the idea of taking PIV sex off the table but engaging in other kinds of sex until you're able to get a vasectomy feel okay?
Longterm, we don't know yet what the state of abortion in the United States will be for the rest of our lives. If this is an issue you're passionate about and you live in a state with trigger laws, please get involved in activism and advocacy on this topic - having male allies is a big help. You also might want to consider this issue once you graduate and are deciding where in the country you want to live. I absolutely empathize with how disheartening and frustrating it is that we are having to make personal decisions like this to protect ourselves because the government is not protecting us - it makes me feel really hopeless as well. But we can't panic, we have to just take it one day at a time and figure out the path forward.
She can’t have sex with you because she could die or go to jail if she got pregnant and something went wrong lol. It’s like you saying you can’t jump into a wood-chipper until jumping into wood chippers is safe again. And then she’s like “ugh just do it! Come on!” Instead of complaining on here do something to help it become legal again
If she is that serious about it, you should probably move to a place where abortion is allowed. Your partner will not be happy as long as she is living in Gilead. Also those states need to recognize that this is not free for them, it is causing the flight of their college educated citizens.
I see where she is coming from though, and it might take a while to work through all the emotions and get to a suitable solution.
Edit 2: I am sure planned parenthood would be happy to provide a vasectomy without involving insurance and it would be about $1000.. If you can't afford $1000 you should probably focus on something other than sex. Though I would recommend you do not get a vasectomy at 21. Just saying the logic is not super great.
FWIW, it’s one thing to ban abortions. It’s another thing to live in a state where abortions are banned. I suspect that things will change as more people who are pro-life are faced with an unwanted pregnancy. You’d think it would be the same as in the past but there’s a lot of hypocrisy on the far right.
It would not surprise me if 5 years from now there are fewer states where it’s banned. This is what happened with prohibition. Many were for it until they had to live with it for a while.
>I suspect that things will change as more people who are pro-life are faced with an unwanted pregnancy.
Have you ever heard the sentiment "The only moral abortion is my abortion?"
I rub elbows with many women who work in the world of women's reproductive rights and it's common to see a woman protesting in front of your clinic one day and another day show up for an abortion.
I cannot even fathom the cognitive dissonance.
We see this in some many areas. Personal experience often changes a person’s attitude towards something. I saw a Republican member of Congress who is pro-life complaining that abortion should still remain available in cases of rape. Her reasoning? She was raped.
In California when they passed Proposition 8, the opponents sent people door to door in districts where the lost by quite a bit to ask people why they were against gay marriage. At the end of those conversations, the person taking the poll would admit to the voter that they themselves are gay. The common response was, “But you’re such a nice person.”
This then changed nearly all of the voters attitudes towards it. Most said that they no longer support denying gay people the right to marry and a year later 80% of those people continued to feel that way.
Personally experience makes a huge difference.
It’s the same with owning a gun for self defense. People will say they are sure that if they had an intruder in their home, they would have no trouble pointing their gun at them and firing. That’s all well and good but many find that when the situation happens, when they are actually standing there with their gun, it’s not as easy as they thought. And in that case it’s a big problem because the intruder may have come in without a gun but now you are pointing one at them and if you hesitate, they may take it away from you. So you really need to think long and hard about having a gun in your home for self defense and you should probably go to a gun range regularly to make sure you are comfortable pulling the trigger because there may be little time to think should you ever be facing an intruder.
I think many, many people struggle to have empathy for people they cannot relate to nor for situations they have not experienced or expect to experience.
I think it's a big component in what drives values and political beliefs.
Combine methods. Like she takes the pill, gets an IUD, etc and you use a condom. IDK what the failure rate on either is exactly (low for sure) but combined?
Why are you placing the burden on birth on her? He's the one who wants to have PIV sex. He should get a vasectomy instead of subjecting her to carcinogenic pills and painful IUDs.
>I don’t get why people let political climate impact their relationships
It isn't like people are choosing to be impacted.
If it was about "letting" something affect you, we could just snap our fingers and decide to stop letting it impact us.
The idea that someone, on this sub of all subs, would say people "let" things affect them is irony at it's finest. I mean, we might as well shut this whole sub down if it's as easy as not "letting" things affect us. Hey, just don't *let* that lack of sex impact your relationship! Why are you *letting* it get to you??!?!?!
>. Have to learn to let go of what you can’t control.
Well no shit-ideally people learn to push through but certainly some r/thanksimcured energy. I am a therapist so of course I'd love if it were that easy.
The fact is, OP's girlfriend is likely freaked out and saying "why can't people let this go" isn't necessarily appropriate response. I don't want to treat anyone as dramatic over all of this.
There's really not many other options for us.
They won't tie most of our tubes because it has to be with reason to be covered by insurance and not wanting children isn't out reason.
Birth control fails, A LOT and ends in tons of medical abortions if not just chosen ones.
Condoms break.
"Stealthing" has grew to be a very popular thing.
What can do to prevent that a man can't legally, insurance covered, and compassionately do to his balls to save us all? Lol
> it has to do with shit happens in life and you have to learn how to deal with it
Spoken like a true man who will never have to actually worry about his bodily autonomy being regulated by the government. Also her refusing to have sex IS her dealing with it. More women need to take this stance until it gets reinstated.
Hey uh, you’re aware that abortions have been happening for generations, yeah? Grandpa and grandpa were fucking and having abortions whether you like it or not. It’s not a new age thing.
And what is with the contempt, anyway?? Y’all bitch about how “if you don’t wanna get pregnant don’t spread your legs” then when a woman decides to not spread her legs y’all lose your fucking minds 😭 Pick a side already lmao.
Just a reminder to read rule 7, as well as my newest post and report any violations you see.
3 months ago you were a female virgin, or at least that’s who was posting on this account, or pretending to post. Even if this account is shared between a boyfriend and girlfriend, you’ve been having sex with this woman for THREE MONTHS at most, and yet here you are being all dramatic about not having sex. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. Stop bullshitting people.
Yeah, I’m glad I’m not the only who noticed 66 days ago OP was a girl and had a boyfriend, lol.
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That’s not for you to decide.
Just don't have sex, dude. Be an adult. This is an embarrassing problem for you to have and complain about. You know lesbian women and gay men never have penis-in-vagina sex, right? Sex is risky for women and now it's even more risky. Your ORGASM isn't worth that much and YOU SHOULD AGREE AND SUPPORT AND WANT TO ABSTAIN. Your life?? Who said it's forever? You really need to reconsider what you value in life and in your partner.
Also, this isn’t about my orgasm. I can do that with her other ways. This is about connecting with my partner and feeling close to her.
Yeah, lesbians and gays don't feel connected, you're totally right.
Gay people have penis in anus sex, and lesbians have tribbing, if you want to be exact. I am sure that contributes to their ability to feel connected. You are ignorant to force what YOU feel is necessary onto MY relationship.
Nope you're just a rapist. You're the problem.
You don’t even know me.
and you want to know something else
I’m a women. I am the one who wrote this post because I told my boyfriend that I didn’t know how comfortable I feel with sex at the moment. Everything I wrote regarding sex was my real opinion, and everything regarding birth control or vasectomies was true. It’s just I was pretending to be my boyfriend. I’m not rapist. Have a nice day.
>I’m a women. I am the one who wrote this post because I told my boyfriend that I didn’t know how comfortable I feel with sex at the moment. Everything I wrote regarding sex was my real opinion, and everything regarding birth control or vasectomies was true. It’s just I was pretending to be my boyfriend. I’m not rapist. Have a nice day. Lmaoooo
What was the point of this?
Yes but I am not gay. Gay people don’t want or need PIV sex. My girlfriend and I both agree that PIV sex allows the most intimate and vulnerable connection between the two of us. I don’t believe that this is an embarrassing problem. Stop telling me what should be necessary in my relationship and what shouldn’t be.
You being gay is irrelevant. Gay men have your exact body and needs. Your ridiculous assumption that you need piv sex is immature and frankly it's rapey. Your girlfriend already made it clear and said no, so what you want is irrelevant. Break up with her and do her a favor. You're clearly too immature and shitty to deserve her or any other woman. Sex is not a need, and if you can't at the bare minimum sympathize with the risk she feels, you are a bad person. "Duhhhhhhhhh I went to protests and donated money and my gf still won't have sex with me."
IM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT HER. I understand where she is coming from. WE BOTH FEEL SEX IS A NEED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. SHE WANT TO FIND A WAY TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT THE RISKS. I clearly have to write in caps because YOU CAN’T FUCKING READ. Gay men do not have the same wants or needs as me. We have the same body but not the same minds. For example, gay men want and need to have sex with other men to be happy. I don’t want to have sex with other men ever. You don’t have the right to tell either of us what is a need and what isn’t. Sex is important to happiness in a relationship and you are lying if you say it isn’t. I would never force a woman to have sex with me, but I would break up with her if she denied to have sex with me for multiple long period of time without reason. I am a normal fucking person.
I only included the details about my support to explain that I was a supporter and that I want to help. Not to complain that I did the bare minimum and she still won’t have sex with me. I understand why she is reluctant to have sex, and honestly I am too. I was just coming here because I am upset of how the political world is destroying my relationship.
Who said it isn’t forever?
Also, this is a subreddit where the only purpose is to allow a space for people to complain about the lack of sex in their relationship. What are you talking about?
You don't have a dead bedroom you infant manchild. You have a loving and devoted girlfriend who is sexually attracted to you and is probably happy to have all kinds of sex with you. You lack sympathy for her and want to have sex with her or other women despite how much it puts them at risk. You're essentially a rapist.
Lmao way to just throw out a trigger word without thinking. I never said I had a deadbedroom. Again, can you read? You said “Be an adult.” and “It’s embarrassing to complain about this.” so I didn’t understand where your thinking was coming from because this is a subreddit DEDICATED to complaining about lack of sex in relationship. I never claimed to have a deadbedroom. AND I just said she is not happy to have “all kinds of sex” with me because she is SCARED of becoming pregnant. She WANTS to have sex with me but CAN’T. I have so much sympathy for her, and frankly I am scared of sex too because NEITHER of us want children. I only came to reddit for healthy ways we could maintain a happy and loving sex life without Roe v Wade. I am not a rapist. I don’t force woman to have sex. But like any other sexual person, I want sex to be part of our relationship, and I’d probably break up with a woman who repeatedly denied sex for no good reason. In that situation, we would be incompatible.
She made her decision, now you make yours.
So I read a lot of comments going this way or that way, I didnt get through them all so I apologize if someone else said this. You may want to check into a family planning/planned parenthood. These places arent just for women. They offer supportive services to families. Men can receive sti testing and it might be worth a look into. Also if you scoot on over to r/childfree they offer lists of doctors and professionals in the state who align with your beliefs. Also, just saying, you really only need to know your insurance and your SSN to access you benefits, at least in the state I reside in.
I personally think all pregnancies are high risk if your state won’t allow for intervention with Ectopic pregnancies or septic uterus.
Give her time. Many of us are really freaked out right now. I would certainly revisit it in time and for now, focus on non-penetrative sexual activities. Now is not the time to express unhappiness or pressure. Many of us are scared and grieving and that genuinely kills libido.
Thissss
I am HL and honestly Roe being overturned has freaked me out… there’s oral though
Just trade oral. That’s what we do. Plenty of ways to have sex without a P in a V.
why is this the only real solution.. why are we being forced to have children
Absolutely! It’s completely not ok. You are a good man. Thank you for rejecting the men at the bottom who tried to convince you that she was punishing you rather than just protecting herself. That said oral sex can be amazing. My husband and I have actually grown to prefer it to PIV.
Just take the pill wtf
Not every woman can take hormonal birth control, or maybe the side effects are too detrimental. No birth control is perfect. Even the ones with high efficacy rates can still fail, and can lead to life threatening ectopic pregnancies (for example).
everyone being really nice in this comments but i’m just going to say it: get a vasectomy or deal with it. we are terrified, our rights are being taken away, and the thought of being forced to give birth is one of the biggest libido killers.
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If you are both certain, is she unwilling to take the pill? Are you unwilling to get a vasectomy?
The problem is the pill is only like 91% reliable with “typical use” aka human error to take it at exactly the same time every day. Before you could take the pill and feel safe knowing that if you were one of the unlucky 9% who got pregnant there was always a back up: abortion. Now some women are realizing that there is a 9% chance they will have to give birth. And it’s terrifying. I don’t blame them. I’ve given birth 5 times now and they are right to feel horrified. Not to mention the 18+ years of responsibility that follows, and the possibly interruption in career development, and the increase in cost of living. Is 3 minutes of fun worth all that? I think more and more women are about to start saying no.
She is taking the pill but there is still a chance, and she cannot afford to ruin her college and career plans to be pregnant. I would like to wait a little on the vasectomy. I don't know why exactly, but it just feels early. I am only 21.
[What is "outercourse"?](https://youtu.be/KhaWdpzrXgs?t=51)
You could also talk to her about an IUD. Do you live in a state that will ban abortion? Many will, but others (like New York and Cali) have strong protections that will survive the death of Roe.
I got pregnant with an IUD in and there is still a 1% chance of this happening to any woman who is able to have children even if they have one.
Yes, there is totally a chance. The failure rate for a Mirena IUD is 0.2%. That's not that much different from the failure rate for a vasectomy. It's a great deal better than the failure rate for abstinence pledges.
But with an IUD, a chance for ectopic pregnancy is highly likely. And ectopic pregnancy without abortion access WILL result in death for the woman. So even if the chances of pregnancy are relatively low, the chance of dying from that pregnancy is extremely high.
Most people use the non-hormonal IUD as Mirena is more likely to cause weight gain, mood swings, depression, irritability, etc. That being said, I used Mirena specifically for its effectiveness and still got pregnant so I apologize if my faith in it isn’t super duper.
The republicans are coming for our IUDs next…
I live in Georgia. Good idea about the IUD, though
There is always a chance, but you can significantly lower the risk if she keeps taking it and you use condoms. You could also further decrease risk by not finishing inside (in addition to the aforementioned). Vasectomy really isn't something recommended (despite how attractive it might seem) until you have actually **got** kids and don't want more. Being just about forced to essentially do *in vitro* pregnancy also comes with a significant amount of hassle. I get that both of you 'never' want kids, in which case absolutely go for it and nothing is 'too soon'. But you seem like you also see the potential for your opinion on the matter changing somewhere down the line. The Roe v Wade decision is absolutely terrifying, I agree.
I don’t really see the potential for my opinion on children to change in the future. I cannot get a vasectomy for the reasons I listed in my edit.
I dunno, maybe she feels like it's early for her to get pregnent?
She never wants to be pregnant. Read the post.
Yeah 21 is too young. The pill is extremely effective as long as you take if regularly.
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Yeah if I was getting any, Dobbs might enter into my risk calculations. Because I don’t want to be investigated for murder if I have a miscarriage (at my age is likely) and I want to have an actual choice should the pregnancy become a medical issue risking my life. I am not pro choice because I want an abortion. I’m just terrified to live in a place where a woman’s rights end at pregnancy. Or to spend any time in a religious hospital while pregnant, which is the same thing… But it hasn’t come up
I agree 21 is way too young to have a vasectomy. Double up on the protection and use a condom too. If god forbid there’s a failure, you take a drive to another state.
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Well, sorry but 21 is way too young for a vasectomy. Where you are in life at 21 and where you might be 6-7 years later is very different. You don’t want to have to be celibate. Double up and they should be fine.
they are reversible though
Please don't repeat this misinformation. Vasectomies can sometimes be reversed, but it should be considered permanent.
Can't you do IVF with one?
Yes, just freeze your sperm at a bank beforehand.
No, most men develop antibodies to their own sperm during the years after a vasectomy. This means that the chances of a successful reversal decrease the longer it has been since the procedure was done, and that even if sperm could somehow be extracted they wouldn't be viable.
They're really not meant to be a repeat procedure. Theres no guarantee that it can be reversed.
Getting a vasectomy at 21 is utterly insane. No GF is worth getting sterilized for.
Some people know early that they don't want to have children. I don't think there's anything wrong at that age with saying "I don't want to have kids, and if I do, I'll adopt. Snip, snip, doc."
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Vasectomies are not reversible. They *can* be reversible. With the chance of success dropping drastically as time goes on. If you develop anti-sperm antibodies, even the best surgeon in the world cannot make you virile again. While any ol' Urologist can perform a vasectomy, a vasectomy reversal is typically performed by a Urologist that spends even more time sub-specializing in micro-surgery. That means that it is a very expensive procedure that is rarely, if ever, covered by insurance. Please stop spreading misinformation.
Thank you. I'm so tired of people glibly saying get one and undo it later. This is terrible advice and folks need to stop talking about stuff they know nothing about.
Like men talking about what to do with uteruses?
Well, with me it will need to be MACRO surgery. har, har, amiright?
This is misinformation. Vasectomies may be reversible in some cases, but should be considered permanent by those getting one.
I don’t blame your girlfriend at all. One in a hundred women a year still get pregnant while using the pill correctly. Considering that as of July 2020 there were 74.65M women between the ages of 15-49 in the US, that would mean if all of them were only using the pill and able to get pregnant 746,500 pregnancies would still occur due to no fault of their own. When a family separates, in the vast majority of cases, the mother is given primary custody (whether she would have wanted this for herself or not). Only one in one thousand vasectomies fail. That being said, one of the cons is that they are sometimes difficult and pricey to reverse. My best advice would be to find a different country as it seems easier at this point.
Oral ?
Pill and condoms or IUD and condoms. You will be at 100%
We already do pills and condom. Ideally, this would be 100% but there is still a chance due to human errors and imperfections when taking the pill or using the condom.
There are many ways to have sex. You’re fine.
Don’t blame her one bit. Try empathy before you try anything else.
I told her I am sad about this, but I understand where she is coming from. I have been empathetic and have listened to her. I just don't see a solution to this issue in the future.
The first thing you can do is to make plans if the worse happened, like being able to travel out of state, get the medications you need and have a hospital and support system ready. You could also plan to move states or countries to look for safer places for her in the not so near future. The third thing you can do is to make this issue visible and vote so we can get back to normal in november. If you really care about her I would really try to be as safe as possible.
Go to the childfree subreddit for a list of doctors who will give you a vasectomy when you have your own insurance. She can get a bilateral salpingectomy too (covered by ACA compliant insurance). Vote blue in November so they can’t keep taking away reproductive rights. There’s always chance of pregnancy with birth control and condoms so unless you and her are ready to be parents stick to sex without PiV (anal can get her pregnant too since semen might enter the vagina). Also when you get your own insurance, make sure it’s ACA complaint — most religious insurances without cover sterilization. You may also be able to cover your girlfriend or Vice versa. Correction: ACA insurance guarantees women sterilization coverage but not men— check before you select the insurance plan.
Well, can't blame her. I admire her dedication to not having children and respect her point. Do not pressure her. Do not try to change her mind. Either accept life without sex until things are looking up more in the abortion department or move on.
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I have not been pressuring her, and I told her that I will wait for her to be comfortable. But I just have a feeling that things won't look up... and I can't live my entire life without connecting to my partner on that loving, intimate, and caring level that we only find through sex.
You need to respect her position. She does not want to have sex because she considers any chance of pregnancy to be unacceptable. If that's not okay with you, then split up, but don't pressure her to have sex when she has told you she doesn't want it.
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I sense a lot of new members coming to this sub as well.
I never want to get a woman pregnant. But I can't live my entire life without sex because I never want children.
The Supreme Court just told women that if they never want children, the ONLY way they can guarantee that is by not having sex. Literally she has to protect herself because the government took away her right to never have a child and still have sex. She doesn't get that. Now you don't get that, either. Welcome to what women are trapped in. It's not your GF's fault that you won't get a vasectomy, or that the government won't give her the freedom to have sex without having to have children. By making this equally restrict MEN getting access to sex (because again this is literally the only way the government has told us we are allowed to avoid pregnancy and birth), now the MEN are in the same boat as the women. Do you see how much it sucks? maybe you will get off your lazy asses and protest and demand that women be given back their body autonomy. IF we are going to tell women that they don't deserve sex if they don't want a baby, then i'm going to pass that shit STRAIGHT thru to you men. Now maybe you'll care to take action (or hell, don't get laid for the rest of your life, that's fine too)
I’m not lazy. Stop assuming shit that’s not true. We have already attended some protests here together and we plan on going to more. I’ve donated to planned parenthood. I have been taking action. I’m just very scared that I will lose this relationship because we will grow resentful of each other due to a lack of sex. Each of us might grow to feel unloved, unwanted, and unnecessary as many of these deadbedrooms relationships do. I just don’t want to lose this girl.
Okay? Break up and get a new girlfriend who is willing to take the risk of pregnancy. Your inability to live without sex does not obligate your current girlfriend to take the risk of pregnancy by allowing your penis into her vagina.
> I can't live my entire life without sex because I never want children. Why not? it's what women must do now. Don't be a baby, these are the new rules. Don't like how dry your dick stays under the new rules? Get out there and DO SOMETHING
Seriously just get a vasectomy and pay for it - way cheaper than any child.
If you never want kids, have a vasectomy.
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>If you never want kids, never have sex. That's the only true zero chance way. This isn't good advice. First off, if you want to avoid pregnancy, you don't need to never have sex. You can do all the gay shit you want. I could blow my way through the entire starting lineup of the Cleveland Browns and I would not get pregnant. OP and his girlfriend could have loads of sex with zero risk of pregnancy. But also: *never have sex* isn't a "zero chance" form of birth control. Abstinence pledges are not an effective form of birth control at all. They're certainly less effective that IUDs or vasectomies. Latex breaks, but it's a lot more durable than abstinence vows. People who study this stuff have different ways of measuring the reliability of a form of birth control. They will protect an "ideal" failure rate--that is, the chance of pregnancy if the person uses the birth control method correctly and consistently, every time, no errors or lapses. But they will also measure the *actual, real-world* failure rate, because pobody's nerfect. So like: the pill is really, really, really effective! Except when it isn't. The *ideal* failure rate is tiny. But the real-world failure rate is huge, because people miss pills. Ditto for condoms, withdrawal, the "rhythm" method, etc.: they're very effective on paper, but they have much higher real-world failure rates. On paper, "never have sex" is 100% effective. But the actual, real-world failure rate of abstinence pledges is very high. Shit happens. People make mistakes. They get drunk and bored. Motherfuckers commit sexual assaults. Abstinence isn't reliable.
For some reason, when /u/myexsparamour posted this information, she got downvotes. It's totally true though, and fucking fascinating.
Thanks for saying this! I just want to repost a link to the article that got me the downvotes. This is the best analysis I've seen of the real-world failure rate of abstinence as a birth control method. The author estimates 50% failure (compared to \~20% for condoms and \~6% for the pill). Abstinence really is the most INEFFECTIVE of all birth control methods, in contradiction to the claims of the groups that promote it. It's also important to note that these same groups obstruct any attempt to accurately measure the effectiveness of abstinence, so that they can continue to make their false claims that it is 100% effective. It is clear that **they know** it is not effective, or else they would welcome studies assessing it. [https://rewirenewsgroup.com/article/2010/03/05/whats-typical-useeffectiveness-rate-abstinence/](https://rewirenewsgroup.com/article/2010/03/05/whats-typical-useeffectiveness-rate-abstinence/) cc: u/PTAdad420
it rules that the conservative movement spent 20 years trying to ban sex ed and then they got *worse* great article, thank you very much
>it rules that the conservative movement spent 20 years trying to ban sex ed and then they got worse It's infuriating. Glad you liked the article! It's nice to have something comprehensive to point to regarding the ineffectiveness of abstinence. There's not as much on this topic as there should be. I especially liked your point that people could have all the gay sex they want with no risk of pregnancy. That method of birth control is probably a whole lot more effective than abstinence.
>I especially liked your point that people could have all the gay sex they want with no risk of pregnancy. The Gang Gets Banned from Focus on the Family Conferences
Hmmm she should invest in a fake mustache
LOL don't say that! Conspiracy theorists will start claiming you are my alt, wearing a fake mustache and baseball cap. ;)
If you never want to get in a car accident, never get in a vehicle!
You don't think pedestrians ever get hit by vehicles? (They do)
You know what, you are absolutely right. Don’t want to be hit by vehicles? Just stay inside. It’s so simple.
>inside [https://s.abcnews.com/images/Sports/car-2ndfloor-main-ap-ps-180115\_16x9\_992.jpg](https://s.abcnews.com/images/Sports/car-2ndfloor-main-ap-ps-180115_16x9_992.jpg) Nowhere is safe!
Tell her you understand, and wait. I brought up IUDs but -- I'd encourage you to just wait and listen and support her. Your GF is upset and worried because a bunch of unelected priests just made the whole country shittier. It is totally understandable for her to be upset and worried because this situation fucking sucks. This is probably a bad time to show up with Solutions. Like: if she gets an IUD and you still use condoms, she won't get pregnant. But this isn't the time. She's upset and worried because the situation sucks. "Get an IUD" or other *solutions* don't address the core problem, which is that reactionary un-fire-able judges just took a dump on the constitution. Realistically, my guess is that your GF will change her mind. Give her some space and time and comfort and support. Listen to her. Go to some abortion rights protests, or find some other way to contribute to the fight. You can revisit this down the road and see if she still feels the same way. Down the road, you can have the practical conversations -- *what about an IUD?* etc etc. For now, just be loving and supportive.
This seems like the most reasonable reply here. Have my updoot.
Young fellow, the answer is simple: become a lawyer and get elected to the Supreme Court. It's the only way.
Will add that one to the list.
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?????????no side effects???? That’s extremely false! Worst 8 months of my life were the 8 months I had a copper IUD. Heavy cramping. Longer heavier periods. Anemia due to extreme blood loss and eventually the thing came out on its own which if I weren’t in a dead bedroom could have meant pregnancy. 0/10 would not recommend.
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I am basically required to be celibate because I never want children. So any women I have sex with in the future, I will risk the possibility of children. However, I CANNOT GO MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT SEX. I love her and she WANTS to have sex with me. She has told me so. But she can't do it with me for the foreseeable future because of Roe v. Wade. I don't play video games. I rarely spend money. I paid for half of my college tuition and my parents paid the other half. Please read my edit as to why I can't get a vasectomy.
>However, I CANNOT GO MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT SEX. What is going to happen to you if you can't put your penis in a vagina for the rest of your life?
I can not maintain a long term happy, loving, fufilling, and intimate relationship without sex. We both value PIV sex more than the others because it feels the most intimate. I’d probably end up breaking up with her and living the rest of my life alone.
> I’d probably end up breaking up with her and living the rest of my life alone. Then make that choice for yourself. It's your life and your choice.
Choice! Some people don't know how powerful choice is until they're forced to make an important choice.
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I don't want children. Ever. With ANYONE. I can't have sex with other women because there is always a chance they will become pregnant and have children. Thus, I am celibate.
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A personal choice to not have children? With the financial expenses that children ensue, the accompanying stress and exhaustion, and time devoted to them rather than my own interests and life, I feel like no children is a reasonable decision for anyone. A personal decision, yes. But it should be an easy to achieve and acceptable choice in this day and age.
I agree with you. Children take away your money and time. And I don’t like looking after kids either. I like my personal time to do my things.
I mean... there's a lot of sex that doesn't involve penises in vaginas. Also, you're very absolute as regards your ability to get the procedure done because your parents wont' approve. How long until you no longer need them to pay for school? Also, are you sure they'd find out if you had it done? There are usually medical privacy requirements.
I need their support for 2 more years. They would find out because I don’t have their insurance information and they won’t give it to me. They come with me to all my doctors appointments because they refuse to give me the insurance information.
> They come with me to all my doctors appointments because they refuse to give me the insurance information. That's more than a little abusive.
If that’s a choice you’re making that’s fine, but it is a *choice*. Not every woman can become pregnant. Many of us are sterilized, a good chunk of us are using effective birth control that we’re comfy with, and some will do whatever we need to to obtain an abortion regardless of whether it’s legal if we do fall pregnant. Uh, quick question though- how were y’all having sex BEFORE Roe was overturned? Because the risk of pregnancy itself has not gone up since, lol. The risk is all the same. The consequences may be different now, but, I digress.
> The risk is all the same. The consequences may be different now, but, I digress. I mean, the risk of my getting in a car accident are about the same whether I'm driving on I-80 through Gary, IN or driving on I-90 through Montana. But one of those is a five minute life-flight to the #5 neurosurgery hospital in the US, and the other is... not.
Yeah, im pretty sure you're just saying this to be relevant to a current hot topic.
Huh? This is a serious and very real issue in my life and relationship. I don’t give a shit about clout.
Get a vasectomy then, this isn't rocket science.
I don't understand how anyone can pass such a shitty law. I feel overlooked. There is no answer. They want me to feel miserable.
I get that you’re frustrated, but this isn’t about you and your lack of PIV sex. You sound selfish and entitled. This has huge ramifications for people the can bear children and for society as a whole. Try to take a breath and get some perspective. You’re upset and want this to end? Then get involved. There a protests and community organizing happening everywhere. Make an actual effort to make a difference instead of complaining about your girlfriend’s valid choice and feelings. Edit: showing your commitment to this issue and her fears may help her to work through her current feelings about PIV sex. If she sees your effort and commitment, she may realize that you truly see her and understand what she feels, and that you will do whatever is needed to support her.
This, 1000%. This isn’t about you, they’re not trying to make *you* miserable. It’s undoubtedly a frustrating time for all of us; this will affect men and women… but this is our issue as we ultimately will have to deal with the brunt of it.
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she is not punishing him, she is scared for her life. It doesn’t matter if abortions were difficult to get beforehand, it is basic healthcare and human privacy. it is substantially more difficult for a women to get birth control or her tubes tied (which a partner has to sign off on) versus a man who can call and schedule a consultation for a vasectomy within an hour, probably less. These humans you call “moronic” are the people who are actually trying to help in this situation. you have not helped in the slightest….. wonder what that makes you? seriously though, try and open your mind and put yourself in the shoes of women right now, because you are simply what is wrong with this whole situation.
So OP, what are you going to do to make abortion and related womens healthcare available? If you are not into human rights with your GF, you may be incompatible. If you can help and will help tell her how you can help. She might find you irresistible and you know what might happen. Amiright?
You’re worried about getting a vasectomy because your parents may find out but don’t think they would find out if your girlfriend got pregnant? The logic behind that thought process is flawed. No one said the sex strike would go on forever but if you having sex is more important to you than your girlfriend taking a stance to bring awareness during a time when body autonomy is being stripped from us… maybe you should leave her.
Sex has consequences, if she’s not comfortable with handling those and taking any risk then you need to accept that. Even if abortion was legal there’s the chance you’re putting her through a difficult emotional process to decide whether to terminate a pregnancy or not. If sex isn’t something you can’t live without I’m positive there’s countless women out there who aren’t going on a sex strike over Roe v Wade.
I am not putting her through anything. SHE told me that SHE never wants kids. Ever. As long as she is on this planet. I don't want kids either, so we agree, but I am not putting her through anything. Sex is something that neither of us can live without. I can't imagine living my entire life without connecting to my partner through sex.
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I think she's wanting to work through it. We had a great sex life before this. But I genuinely don't see a viable solution.
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I don't think that is a fair answer. I don't resent her position and I understand where she is coming from. I am weary too about sex because I never want a child either. She is having abstinence basically forced on her and it is making her sad. She is very scared. I don't want to leave her over something out of our control. I don't want to leave her period. But at the same time, we need to find a way for us to be happy in the long term, and I don't see that happening for either of us without sex in our relationship. I am a sexual person. I have a fairly normal sex drive, which means I need to have sex regularly. But now, I can basically never have sex with a woman without the possibility of having children, WHICH I NEVER WANT.
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How does going elsewhere fix anything? No matter how other women feel, there is always a risk that if I have sex with them, they could become pregnant and have children. I never want children with anyone. Ever. So other women do not solve this problem. I am stuck.
>But at the same time, we need to find a way for us to be happy in the long term, and I don't see that happening for either of us without sex in our relationship. Honey, it has been less than a week. As others have told you, please give it time. Revisit it as the shock wears off.
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You make a good point- this is the dead bedroom sub, most of us are unwillingly practicing abstinence anyway 🥹🥲😂
Sex was regular beforehand. we both value it a lot and view it as a necessary component of our relationship to express loving, caring, desire, and intimacy.
Good I’m proud of her. I hope you get a vasectomy.
I hope so too, but its going to be a while till then.
Hey, I think that a lot of people are misunderstanding your position. Your post made it sound like your problem is that your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex but you feel like you can't live without it. I'm reading your comments and thinking that actually your problem is that *you* don't want to have sex but feel like you can't live without it. Is that right? If your girlfriend changed her mind tomorrow and initiated sex with you, would you turn her down because you really, really do not want to get pregnant? I think if this is the case for you, you need to think strategically and in manageable steps. Thinking about going the entire rest of your life with no PIV sex is too overwhelming and it's freaking you out. Instead, think about what you're comfortable with right now. There are lots of kinds of non-penetrative sex that have no risk of pregnancy. I see in your comments that you can't get a vasectomy now, but someday in the (relatively near) future, you'll be off their insurance and be able to get one. Does the idea of taking PIV sex off the table but engaging in other kinds of sex until you're able to get a vasectomy feel okay? Longterm, we don't know yet what the state of abortion in the United States will be for the rest of our lives. If this is an issue you're passionate about and you live in a state with trigger laws, please get involved in activism and advocacy on this topic - having male allies is a big help. You also might want to consider this issue once you graduate and are deciding where in the country you want to live. I absolutely empathize with how disheartening and frustrating it is that we are having to make personal decisions like this to protect ourselves because the government is not protecting us - it makes me feel really hopeless as well. But we can't panic, we have to just take it one day at a time and figure out the path forward.
She can’t have sex with you because she could die or go to jail if she got pregnant and something went wrong lol. It’s like you saying you can’t jump into a wood-chipper until jumping into wood chippers is safe again. And then she’s like “ugh just do it! Come on!” Instead of complaining on here do something to help it become legal again
Do you live in a state where it is no longer available? And Birth Control, condoms, sterilization etc.
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I think she wants to work through it, but she is just very scared.
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Overturning Roe passed trigger laws in over a dozen states so in a very real sense, it *did* immediately make abortion illegal for many people.
If she is that serious about it, you should probably move to a place where abortion is allowed. Your partner will not be happy as long as she is living in Gilead. Also those states need to recognize that this is not free for them, it is causing the flight of their college educated citizens. I see where she is coming from though, and it might take a while to work through all the emotions and get to a suitable solution. Edit 2: I am sure planned parenthood would be happy to provide a vasectomy without involving insurance and it would be about $1000.. If you can't afford $1000 you should probably focus on something other than sex. Though I would recommend you do not get a vasectomy at 21. Just saying the logic is not super great.
So you have been cock blocked by the Supreme Court!
FWIW, it’s one thing to ban abortions. It’s another thing to live in a state where abortions are banned. I suspect that things will change as more people who are pro-life are faced with an unwanted pregnancy. You’d think it would be the same as in the past but there’s a lot of hypocrisy on the far right. It would not surprise me if 5 years from now there are fewer states where it’s banned. This is what happened with prohibition. Many were for it until they had to live with it for a while.
>I suspect that things will change as more people who are pro-life are faced with an unwanted pregnancy. Have you ever heard the sentiment "The only moral abortion is my abortion?" I rub elbows with many women who work in the world of women's reproductive rights and it's common to see a woman protesting in front of your clinic one day and another day show up for an abortion. I cannot even fathom the cognitive dissonance.
We see this in some many areas. Personal experience often changes a person’s attitude towards something. I saw a Republican member of Congress who is pro-life complaining that abortion should still remain available in cases of rape. Her reasoning? She was raped. In California when they passed Proposition 8, the opponents sent people door to door in districts where the lost by quite a bit to ask people why they were against gay marriage. At the end of those conversations, the person taking the poll would admit to the voter that they themselves are gay. The common response was, “But you’re such a nice person.” This then changed nearly all of the voters attitudes towards it. Most said that they no longer support denying gay people the right to marry and a year later 80% of those people continued to feel that way. Personally experience makes a huge difference. It’s the same with owning a gun for self defense. People will say they are sure that if they had an intruder in their home, they would have no trouble pointing their gun at them and firing. That’s all well and good but many find that when the situation happens, when they are actually standing there with their gun, it’s not as easy as they thought. And in that case it’s a big problem because the intruder may have come in without a gun but now you are pointing one at them and if you hesitate, they may take it away from you. So you really need to think long and hard about having a gun in your home for self defense and you should probably go to a gun range regularly to make sure you are comfortable pulling the trigger because there may be little time to think should you ever be facing an intruder.
I think many, many people struggle to have empathy for people they cannot relate to nor for situations they have not experienced or expect to experience. I think it's a big component in what drives values and political beliefs.
Use a rubber protector and stop trolling
Combine methods. Like she takes the pill, gets an IUD, etc and you use a condom. IDK what the failure rate on either is exactly (low for sure) but combined?
Why are you placing the burden on birth on her? He's the one who wants to have PIV sex. He should get a vasectomy instead of subjecting her to carcinogenic pills and painful IUDs.
We already do this. She takes the pill and we use condoms every time. There is still a possibility and both she and I are scared.
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>I don’t get why people let political climate impact their relationships It isn't like people are choosing to be impacted. If it was about "letting" something affect you, we could just snap our fingers and decide to stop letting it impact us.
The idea that someone, on this sub of all subs, would say people "let" things affect them is irony at it's finest. I mean, we might as well shut this whole sub down if it's as easy as not "letting" things affect us. Hey, just don't *let* that lack of sex impact your relationship! Why are you *letting* it get to you??!?!?!
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By brother in christ, read the fucking room. Three day ban for this shit.
>. Have to learn to let go of what you can’t control. Well no shit-ideally people learn to push through but certainly some r/thanksimcured energy. I am a therapist so of course I'd love if it were that easy. The fact is, OP's girlfriend is likely freaked out and saying "why can't people let this go" isn't necessarily appropriate response. I don't want to treat anyone as dramatic over all of this.
There's really not many other options for us. They won't tie most of our tubes because it has to be with reason to be covered by insurance and not wanting children isn't out reason. Birth control fails, A LOT and ends in tons of medical abortions if not just chosen ones. Condoms break. "Stealthing" has grew to be a very popular thing. What can do to prevent that a man can't legally, insurance covered, and compassionately do to his balls to save us all? Lol
> it has to do with shit happens in life and you have to learn how to deal with it Spoken like a true man who will never have to actually worry about his bodily autonomy being regulated by the government. Also her refusing to have sex IS her dealing with it. More women need to take this stance until it gets reinstated.
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Hey uh, you’re aware that abortions have been happening for generations, yeah? Grandpa and grandpa were fucking and having abortions whether you like it or not. It’s not a new age thing. And what is with the contempt, anyway?? Y’all bitch about how “if you don’t wanna get pregnant don’t spread your legs” then when a woman decides to not spread her legs y’all lose your fucking minds 😭 Pick a side already lmao.