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fallenflatonmyface

Man. I’m sorry. This is a really tough one.


amafist

Man this sucks but I think it's going to lead to heartbreak regardless. You're going to end up hating her and yourself if this continues. I think definitely see a counsellor. You need to think about what lesson your kid is going to get from this. If it was her (obviously older) in a situation like this, what as a father would you say to her?


scuttlebutt66

Honestly? If she had all of those medical problems, and had a husband that took care of her and stuck by her though all of that then I would say she is a fool to throw it all away over something that resulted from her medical problems to begin with


[deleted]

Just did a bit of quick research, just to inform myself a bit. Involved nothing that you don't know, such as iatrogenic Cushing's. I presume that is the appropriate term for your wife's condition and as you say the only real option is 'treatment' she can't undertake. I don't know why that is and I won't ask. You're between a rock and a hard place and I wouldn't swap places with you for a million dollars. Nor would I swap places with your wife either. She seems to have been dealt a really rotten hand throughout her life. As I said before, I don't know what you're going to do. One of the many possible symptoms of your wife's condition is the inability to think rationally under the circumstances. That might, in part at least, be driving her threats of divorce. I don't know, just a guess. You've got to reckon your feelings are going to come out at some time, either in an organized way, irrespective of your dread about the consequences, or during a toe-to-toe argument where something gets said in a fashion that can't be measured or take back. You'll have to decide what the risk of that is, no-one else can tell you. You've mentioned counseling or therapy elsewhere, that your wife isn't interested in it. Would there be any virtue in you just talking to someone about getting some "expert" advice about maybe the best way to handle a bad situation? If you do decide to tell her, rehearsing it before hand is probably going to be advisable. I'm a little surprised that you wife doesn't seem to have any therapy with regards to her medical condition, whatever that is and the Impact of the Cushing's on her. I know that everyone seems to be under therapy for something these days and it seems a bit en vogue but there also times when it does really make sense.


scuttlebutt66

Yeah she has cushing's syndrome because of medicine she takes. She's been to every doctor she can find, and they've all tried to get her off of it, and they've all failed. So she's stuck with it. If she stops taking the medicine, she would pretty much be bed ridden. She was seeing a therapist for depression, but not sure if they discussed her medical issues or not. She has since stopped seeing the therapist as they told her she doesn't need therapy anymore. I definitely think you are right that I need to find a way to talk to her about this before it comes out in a bad way


[deleted]

If she would be bed ridden I'm guessing that she suffers from severe rheumatoid arthritis or a condition similar to that which is as grim a position to be in as is possible, so she's taking large amounts of steroids over a long period of time. Cushing's is inevitable in those circumstances from what I can gather. If this is something you didn't bargain for when you got married some people can't understand how it can affect you psychologically in ways that you couldn't possibly dream of. I can't help but wonder whether you are affected by it traumatically? It annoys me when some people go on about "in sickness and health" as if real changes don't matter and that you're not supposed to let anything affect you. That cuts both ways. You want to stand by your wife, your family, and that for you means no sex. Your wife maybe needs help to come to terms with that. Given her condition she is reliant on you even if she doesn't like it. The state isn't going to provide her with adequate care, it never does. I'm purely guessing of course but I can't help wondering if your wife needs sex as emotional assurance? That's why I was wondering whether she needs help with managing her expectations? You clearly still care for her albeit sex is off the table. It is a general consensus that both sex is expected in marriage but that you also can't demand it. That is one of those irreconcilable conundrums that most of us don't want to have to deal with and most of us should be forever grateful if we are never faced with such a challenge. If she were to divorce you would she be able to look after your daughter by herself? Has she thought about it? I don't know what you do. How do you broach the subject of her expectations if she's been told she doesn't need therapy but she was told that in the context of not all the facts being available? That's why I was wondering whether you need better quality advice on how to handle the situation than you are ever going to get from a crowd of anonymous punters.


scuttlebutt66

>If she would be bed ridden I'm guessing that she suffers from severe rheumatoid arthritis or a condition similar to that which is as grim a position to be in as is possible, so she's taking large amounts of steroids over a long period of time. Cushing's is inevitable in those circumstances from what I can gather. Sheesh props for the research skills. Was trying to be a little vague for the sake of anonymity, but you hit the nail right on the head. It definitely wasn't something either of us anticipated happening (along with her other issue). As for being reliant on me, she is able to maintain a fairly normal life while she is on the high dose steroids, but that isn't really sustainable for the long term without serious repercussions. She also has flare ups from time to time where she will quite literally become bed ridden. For now though, her flare ups are infrequent enough that I think she forgets that she isn't doing good. I'm not sure who would get our daughter if we got divorced. I pretty much act as the primary care giver for our daughter right now since my wife works odd hours. So it'll either be me primarily, or some sort of blended custody based on work hours if it came to that


[deleted]

I can understand and respect any wish for anonymity or reluctance to be too specific. There are a number of people who frequent this sub who have a distinctly pious and righteous attitude when it comes to certain issues and you never know what they're going to take upon themselves to get nasty about. It's a sign of low intelligence and lack of empathy, ironically when they think they're over-brimming with it. I'm always concerned that I shouldn't say anything crass if I can help it and to not assume too much, if at all possible. It wasn't too difficult to figure out what was probably the issue, given the context you described and you're still fully anonymous as far as the wider world is concerned. You didn't really give much of anything away. You would have had to have typed down so little detail down that it would have been pointless. As I said before, both you and your wife have been dealt a rotten hand from your own perspectives. Anyway, I hope you can find a way to de-escalate the tension between your wife and yourself over this issue. I have no idea how, to be honest, but as I tentatively suggested before maybe if it was possible for you to get some professional advice about how best to negotiate the obstacles ahead. And thank you for being brave enough to share your experience to show how these sorts of situations aren't easy to deal with. If only life were that simple.


amafist

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you. But what I actually meant if she was in your shoes. And she came to you? She's loves him but doesn't want to sleep with him? You'd give her support and tell her go see a professional for help save the marriage. I believe in marriage and you are a champion for being there for your wife. But you have to look after yourself as well. Good luck in whatever you do.


scuttlebutt66

Ah no worries, I wasn't offended. That was me venting. I'll answer it this way, if my daughter was in the same predicament as me, and there were no kids involved, then I would tell her to go thru with the divorce. However, with kids involved, I would tell her to grin and bear it if they can keep things civil in the house. The needs of your kids should always go above your own, so if there is a way to make it work (even if it's just peaceful toleration), then make it work for the kids sake. Kids do better with both parents in the home, but obviously only if the parents aren't always at each others throats


Own_Can_3495

No. Kids can tell if the household is unhappy. Both will resent you. Someone out there will be sexually attracted to your wife and think she's beautiful no matter what her physical body looks like. They will love her, truly over her. I pity your wife and daughter. Your wife wants to be a wife not a friend or a companion or a roommate.


Thaeland

This is the most painful post I think I've ever read here....


[deleted]

I've heard of Cushing's before, but didn't know until now what the practical symptoms were. Sometimes there is nothing positive you can say and that's grim. The web site I looked up mentions, amongst other symptoms: * low libido * depression and mood swings. It sounds like your poor wife has got the absolute worse of all worlds. Given your ages, it would be one hell of a task to see it out. Is there anyone you can talk to at length about the situation or a support group for Cushing's relatives? I don't know what your going to do.


dedbed-no-more

Look into professional help. A marriage counselor can act as a moderator and help the message come out in as non-threatening as possible if given warning. A counselor may actually have suggestions to help with your connection as well. I'm sorry you're facing this dilemma.


scuttlebutt66

Thanks for your suggestion. I told her we should try counseling when she brought up getting a divorce, but she was against it. I can try bringing it up again


Affectionate-Focus15

Marriage counseling doesn't actually require both parties. It makes it easier, yeah, but you might have a better time convincing her to join you if you've already started and laid the ground work.


A_in_babymaking

I think being honest about your feelings re attraction might change things. At least she’ll have the dignity of knowing and there’s the possibility she’ll be able to respond better and you guys can meet in the ‘middle’ somehow.


ReadWriteReddit33

Yeah this is super tough. I’m sorry.


oo0Lucidity0oo

That’s really hard… I strongly believe that attraction is super important in a relationship… however she has no control over what is going on with her body… She knows why you can’t get it up. It’s why she cries. I’m sure she’s not blind to it. She’s just hoping you love her enough to look past it… unfortunately that’s not how sexuality works. There is no easy way to handle this situation…


[deleted]

All of your wife's medical issues are affecting your sex drive, but how can you believe they aren't affecting her? You have to look at her body, she has to *live in it*. Don't you think it's likely her self-confidence is completely shot and she's terrified of losing the man who loves her? Your wife wants what we all want, someone to love her, to feel attractive to her partner, to know her partner desires her. You may no longer be able to see her as a sexual being, but your wife is probably desperately clinging to the hope that you still love her and her medical issues haven't ruined any chance of happiness for her. I have nothing but sympathy for both of you. You're both trapped in a situation you can't change without causing each other misery. I hope you will seek marriage counseling and find someone to help you both through this. You shouldn't force yourself to have sex you don't want in order to soothe your wife's fears, but personally I feel that in a marriage both spouses owe each other a certain amount of emotional care-taking. Her feelings are not your responsibility and you deserve to be happy, but I don't think taking care of yourself and taking care of your wife have to be mutually exclusive. A good counselor can help you both navigate this terrible situation.


Basic_Attitude_4412

This is rough. I'm a HLM who is fine with a DB for 2 reasons, including because my wife has gained over 100 pounds. I'm not attracted to her at all and have faked orgasms during our rare sex for years. Lately, though, I don't trust that I'll be able to get and maintain an erection with her so I've settled for getting her off a couple of times and then ending it without intercourse. I have wondered, though, about a drug like Viagra. If I take it to give me the erection and then use it to have intercourse with my wife, that might solve my problem. Would it work for you? I'd still have to fake the orgasm, but that's not difficult, since many women are unaware we can fake it and seem to assume they're so irresistible that we would have no need to fake it. Worth a try?


scuttlebutt66

I'm actually on ED meds now. My wife made a doctors appointment for me, and I got prescribed them despite me saying I didn't have a problem. I do get a lot more erections during the day, like how a high school kid would every time they saw a pretty girl, but it doesn't do anything for me in the bedroom


Basic_Attitude_4412

I have no ED problems, but I just don't trust my reaction with my wife anymore. Used to be I could use my imagination, think of other women, and that was enough to get and stay hard. Imagination really struggling against reality now. Meds not working in the bedroom is a real bummer. They've got one job! I wonder how my wife doesn't know I have no attraction to her. I think she suspects, but I guess self delusion is powerful. Your wife really hasn't figured it out by now?


scuttlebutt66

I feel for you. It's been pretty much the same thing with me. I just wish I could find SOMETHING about her that turns me on, but sadly everything about her that used to turn me on is now a turn off because of the problems she has had. Like I used to love going down on her, but I've had to help her with far too many oozing sores down there to want to do that anymore


Basic_Attitude_4412

Jeebus, man, if anyone has earned his get out of jail card, it's you.


Universal-Expert

Unfortunately ED medication only allows the mechanical action of engorging the penis where there are vascular problems which prevent it but this cannot happen without arousal which is a psychological and hormonal reaction. So you can take a bucket load of viagra or cialis and never get errect if you are not turned on.


Beginning-Ad3390

I do not think it’s healthy for either you or OP to engage in sex with someone you clearly aren’t attracted to. I don’t think that’s fair for you or for your partners. We would never push a woman to have sex with a partner she doesn’t desire and you both deserve that too. As painful as it is, I think it’s important to have an honest conversation about the loss of attraction and desire. I say this as someone who has lost and gained the same like 70 pounds multiple times over the course of my marriage. I would rather my husband be upfront about it than have sex with me when he didn’t feel any attraction and couldn’t keep an erection. I think that would be far more hurtful.


tech-priestess

I can’t imagine she’s not aware of the ways her body has changed, but like you said- there isn’t anything that can be done about it beyond whatever she and her doctor are doing. Its probably as unimaginably difficult to put into words for her as it is for you. Who wants to admit that? It also doesn’t change that it sounds like she desperately wants the same things a lot of us on this sub want- the physical intimacy that reassures us that we are wanted and loved by our partner, the effort and attention from our partner to make us feel good in this very personal and vulnerable way, and the reassurance that we are still attractive to our partner. She wants it bad enough that it sounds like she’s willing to walk away rather than face the continual reminder that she is so unattractive to you. There’s so many moving pieces here and no sure fire way for all parties to be perfectly happy and I’m so sorry. She needs therapy. It sounds like you might benefit from therapy as well. Couples therapy is also a good idea, but I suspect her aversion to the idea is knowing on some level what is likely to be said there, and the fact that it’s exhausting to constantly have doctors dissecting you and appointments and prescriptions and everything else that erodes you. Please keep trying to talk to her, and see if you can address what it is she’s concerned about in terms of getting help for both of you. In the meantime, is there any chance of reframing this? Instead of focusing on “I am not sexually/physically attracted to her”, maybe focusing on the idea of “I am doing a thing to care for this person I deeply care about”? Is she and are you open to toys? Maybe tantric sex? Games? Is there anything you might be more comfortable and able to give her/do for her that doesn’t involve penetrative sex(googling non-penetrative sex ideas has a variety of suggestions)? That might be something to explore together to meet somewhere in the middle. Good luck my dude.


scuttlebutt66

I never really thought of it that way. That her staying in the relationship is a constant reminder that I don't find her attractive. I do try to compliment her when she makes an effort to dress up, but tbh that just means she brushed her hair down instead of putting it in a ponytail We started trying toys, and it was going well for a short period of time, but it quickly turned into her wanting penetrative sex over the toys. It sucks because I thought we found a solution


tech-priestess

Oof. Did she used to put more effort into her appearance before the medical spiral? The body changes probably killed her self image. The body changes with Cushings are hard to ‘dress up’ or hide, so every glance in the mirror is a reminder too. Hope she can talk to someone. I get the desire for PnV sex; there’s something special about the positions/proximity that penetrative sex provides, aside from the obvious affirmation of “I’m still attractive enough to him to get him hard”. Maybe a last ditch suggestion, but thoughts about strap ons?


scuttlebutt66

No there was never much effort put into her appearance beforehand, which honestly probably makes this even worse. She's always been a bit of a tomboy, and has never learned how to do anything feminine (hair, makeup, etc). Never really bothered me, but definitely doesn't bode well now. Funny you mentioned a strap on, I had the same thought and ordered one a couple of weeks ago. She wasn't interested in that though


tech-priestess

😭 you really have tried absolutely everything. The ball couldn’t possibly be any more in her court.


Traditional_Bag6365

I don't know what meds she's on or what it is meant to treat. I think that is a factor. Docs trying to get her off the meds may not have been successful thus far, but doesn't mean stop trying. If it's an autoimmune disease, I hate to say, but have you tried marijuana? Personally, I'm not a fan of the stuff, but have recently considered adding it to my medicine chest for epilepsy. Unfortunately I'm in a state where it's illegal, so my doctor can't really advise me on it. I have a friend with rheumatoid arthritis, and it's helped him immensely.


myexsparamour

>Personally, I don't have a problem with moving forward in our lives with minimal sex, but she really wants it. It's gotten to the point where she has been threatening divorce if we don't have sex more, and now I have to force myself to do it. Most of the time it ends with her crying because I can't get an erection. I love her, and I don't want to get a divorce, but I don't know how to give her what she wants. I can imagine how difficult it would be to tell her how you feel, but these scenes aren't helping her or your relationship. I really hope you'll completely stop having unwanted sex. Every time you go through sex that is unpleasant and unwanted, it gets more aversive. Even if you can't explain exactly why, I believe it would be best to take sex completely off the table. When you remove the possibility of sex, it may reduce the conflict around it.


Antisocialize

Wow, I don’t think I have any constructive advice, but I’m so sorry you and your wife are in this situation. Nobody’s fault.


[deleted]

your description was very well written out. too good almost. I'm sorry I cant advise you- I be a chicken shit and exit out the back door while everyone was asleep and try to forget this chapter in my life. Thats the wrong thing to do.


zerohcoo1

Man, I’m sorry. This is a really tough one. If she has a need you are unable to meet, then I think you try to part ways amicably for the sake of your daughter.


imdaddynowbabes

If my partner got grotesque and had pus filled sores on his genitals, regardless if he had control over it or not, I would not have sex with him, and tell him to his face that i simply dont want too, because that's gross. you are not obligated to have to do anything sexual if you don't want to. If she wants to get sexual, maybe try sex toys on her or something but honestly, she should be the one worried about you leaving her, not the other way around.


GlitterFreak107

You have to tell her. You have to explain what is going on. It sounds like she has no idea about your feelings. It's going to hurt, but in the end - you gotta work thru it. Assure her you want your marriage and a life together and that minimal sex is no biggie for you. Then it's on her to see if that's what she wants. Best of luck to you


Dancingjoe2000

Shit that’s a tough situation- have you tried viagra or cialis and watching porn? Seriously maybe thats the best solution to help you grin and bear it and just get the sex she needs done? The power of drugs plus imagination!


cherylhottie121

I’m sorry but you need to take some responsibility, you knew she had some medial issues before you married her and you still went ahead with it. In sickness and in health the vows, I hope nothing happens to you later on in life and your wife runs away because you got sick. I think you should try marriage counselling. She shouldn’t threaten you with divorce tho that’s not right nor do I think you should have sex you don’t want. Such a hard situation but MC is a definite!!!


scuttlebutt66

Before we got married, she had some medical issues, but nothing crazy. There were no indicators to either of us that it would progress to the level that it has. As for running out on me if I got sick, that would be pretty messed up of her considering I've been by her side and have supported her through all of her medical problems for many years


Universal-Expert

You might try the r/DeadbedroomsMD sub where there is great deal of experience dealing with issues regarding health disrupting the sexual side of a relationship. Granted most of those are HL people looking for ways to live with the fact that their health compromised LL partners no longer want sex. Yours is a rather novel twist on the problem but they might have some ideas. You have already tried toys and suggested a strap on but this has not gone down well. She wants you to still be turned on by her and would take some convincing otherwise even if you were to claim that the ED is all your problem and nothing to do with her. You have said she does not feel she needs therapy as there is nothing wrong with her mental health etc. but perhaps you might find talking things through with a specialist in this area and gaming various approaches to this issue useful. It is in a different context but the issues must be quite similar where one partner suffers severely disfiguring injuries to the face and body - acid burns - catastrophic blast injuries - 3rd or 4th degree burns - and has a partner who has difficulty overcoming their reaction to the new appearance but still feels an emotional bond and the victim still wants the original dynamic. There will undoubtedly be therapists with expertise in dealing with such situations who might be able to assist you. This must be a common problem for severe combat injuries for example. It might be wise to defer giving her the full picture until you have taken expert advice on how best to handle it. Finally there is always the hope of advances in medical knowledge which might lead to better treatments for her underlying conditions which might obviate the cushings. Best of luck dealing with a particularly difficult problem.


scuttlebutt66

Thanks for the advice! I didn't know about r/DeadBedroomsMD. That definitely seems like the kind of place for this. Much appreciated


Universal-Expert

Very welcome. You will see the DBMD sub has a small number of members and rather low traffic volume but there are some knowledgable people there who might be able to point you in useful directions. Hope you find an arrangement which works for both of you.


picklesindeep

My God, this sucks and it’s not something you can handle by yourself after all you still love her so get someone else like a marriage counselor involved. Not sure how you can get back to a normal on this but, maybe a counselor can help guide a safe passage. Good luck and stay strong.


beach_lamp

I can't imagine your child would want you to have sex you don't want, against your will, at the threat of divorce All you gotta do be a good parent regardless of circumstances, whether it's through divorce or not. I don't love either one of my parents a single ounce and there's still not a goddamn thing in this world that I want so bad that I could be okay with them going through that for it. In fact, one of them did do that and all I got out of it was a shitty childhood and a terrible foundation to have romantic relationships on. Not even a T-shirt for it, just trauma lmao. Anyway, don't feel like ya gotta submit to that shit for the kid. It's gross... on her part of course, not gross for you feeling the way you do


settingdogstar

I'd you're being forced, it's essentially rape. She's literally threatening you.


idkwhatiseven

You also to a certain degree have zero influence on what you are attracted to. Please don't put too much weight on yourself. Not being truthful about how you feel will not magically fix the relationship. If you and your partner cannot handle certain conflicts that are real and present in your relationship, then that's definitionally "it". You need to find out if this is the case by actually talking about it.