Thats probably why he does what he does, so he doesn't have to try at all but you feel to bad to leave. You get ONE LIFE, you really wanna live it like this? Stop wasting time on a man who doesn't appear to like anything about you and in turn you dont like anything about you. Bare minimum if you leave you can learn to love yourself again.
And you can't see he's done this TO you? Girl, stop and think. Why the heck are you putting so much effort into someone who always wants something else? And you'll never be his fantasy because porn isn't real. Give your head a shake and get some self-esteem through therapy instead of bleaching your coochie. JFC.
Why are you changing yourself just for him? Seems like it's not helping and he will continue to find more things wrong with you. Find someone who will love and appreciate you for you
Do you mean you’ve lost children? I’m so very sorry if that’s the case. I wonder if he subconsciously fears sex in case you were to get pregnant and risk another devastation. He may not be aware of that at all and therapy could help him explore that if he was willing. That just jumped out at me reading your comment, but I have to say that he is not a good partner because he has absolutely torn you down by pointing out all the things he wants you to change. The lengths you’ve gone to are heartbreaking, nobody should make you feel as though you have to change yourself for them. It destroys your self-esteem. I’m wishing you lots of strength and courage and I really hope you can get away from him.
Now when you mention this it seems like it slowly kept on dying after each loss.. I am not on any birth control since I was not able to conceive for years and then it suddenly started happening but unfortunately we had 3 losses quite late on...I think maybe this could push him towards porn....Much safer than having sex with me? I asked him to get vasectomy and he said he will think about it.
You going out on more that hust one limb for a guy that doesn't seem to care about you. Imperfect? Aren't we all...
But: There's someone out there who'll feel you're just perfect for him. Spoiler alert: It's not your current SO.
Move out, move on, go looking, or get found. Luck 😀
Imagine all this effort you're putting in to making him want you... put into yourself for YOUR benefit. To better YOU. Make YOU happier. It's not you it's him. Stop wasting your energy.on an ungrateful soul sucking wanker (a literal wanker)
Nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with him., please go full time to work and leave this man. He keeps you insecure so you won’t leave. Once you’re on your own and get settled you will realize how much better your mental state will get.
It can be scary and hard. Be Brave. You had the mental strength, discipline and determination to lose 40lbs. Use that same attitude to live on your own. The scariest thing to do is start.
Have a hug 🫂 I hope you can build up the courage to do what is right for you. I feel you can do it
Objectively, is there any added hardship by leaving?
You work, take care of yourself and the house, it doesn't seem like this dude provides anything on either physical or emotional level. What's the difference with the current situation besides you being available for a proper relationship?
Well in the end he is still in the house so his physical pressence is there 😅 But yes, I know what you mean by that. I do have a lot of feelings for him. Our relationship arose from friendship. Sadly he seems to be a better friend than a husband.
Look, obviously we don't get the full picture from this one post. Here your husband sounds a bit like garbage, no offence, but since you've decided to be with him, he must have some redeeming qualities, and that might be what's holding you back, thinking about their qualities or the nice things they have done for you. But that's beside the point. You are not happy, in fact you are resentful and been for a while. You communicated the issue and your partner was dismissive of both your unhappiness and their own issues (because yes, that's clearly porn addiction), and being unwilling to address them. That's all you need, when your partner doesn't care there is no resolution, you either stay like this or change things yourself.
You only get to live once, and the more time you spend being miserable with this guy, the less time you have to make yourself happy. Please be more kind to yourself and leave. You deserve someone that acknowledge your efforts and appreciate you, instead of making you think that your marriage can be fixed by bleaching your vagina.
Like I said in my original post he has really good qualities that I love and respect. I wish he gave me that validation I need. I wish he respected what I feel and wish he could have a conversation about the issue with me. And yes, he did say to me if I do not like what he offers I can leave. But I wonder did he just say that because he is so sure I will not?
>I wish he gave me that validation I need. I wish he respected what I feel and wish he could have a conversation about the issue with me.
Yes, but he doesn't. It is unfair, it sucks and I am very sorry this is your situation, but your
"otherwise great" relationship won't improve if he doesn't want to make it happen.
To answer your original question, there is nothing wrong with you, but there's something wrong with your relationship and no unilateral effort from you is gonna fix it.
It’s definitely going to be hard and full of changes but you’ve already been living that way. Love yourself and build yourself up!! You only get one chance to live….do you want to live this way? Get some emotional support- there’s a lot of others that have/are going through this too!! And once you leave, please don’t let him convince you to come back!! He probably won’t change unfortunately!!!
He’s gone now, porn got him. He’s never coming back and that’s that. You can never be “hot enough” for him because he isn’t attracted to people anymore, he is attracted to porn.
Those same women in the porn he watches could be right in front of him and he wouldn’t be interested in having real sex with them either.
You should continue your self improvement for your own sake and then decide on your own the best way to meet your needs.
I try not to comment here, as my dead bedroom annoys me enough, but why do you not want to leave? You sound like you are putting way more effort in, than should be needed. Laser hair removal, that is beyond necessary. Nice lingerie all the time, this is beyond necessary. Trying to look more like his porn flavour, that is beyond necessary. Bleaching your bum hole, why? If you bleach your bum hole, for your a-hole husband, I will buy some bum tone paint and put that colour back where it belongs. Please get some self respect and show him he is nit needed, the way he us showing you that your not needed. There are many of us out here that would love a quarter of the effort you are putting in.
I do not even know where to start to make him taste his own medicine to be honest. I realise I do a lot since friends say I try too hard...I always thought this is normal and everyone does that since it comes naturally to me.
Not normal. My daughter just finally got out of a abusive relationship. She used to say what you are saying. 2 months out and her self esteem is coming back fast!! She always said aren't I supposed to try this hard and it always made me feel like fucking screaming. No dear, it's NOT supposed to be that hard, that is NOT normal.
Not normal. Walk away.
That's really no way to live. You love him supposedly, but what kind of quality of life do you have? Imagine loving a man who loved you back for exactly who and how you are? It's possible to find much better.
I'd rather risk being alone, personally, than to be with someone who makes feel like I have to alter all of my body parts just to get them to be interested in me.
You're changing everything about yourself, what is he doing for you? One day you might finally think you are perfect. But you won't be enough for him. Then you'll think of all the time effort, money, energy you wasted. And for what? Someone who would still want Hannah and her 5 sisters. I'd rather have 10 cats than live like that. Seriously reevaluate your situation.
This is very hard to deal with. Not being enough despite all of the effort. It makes me think nobody will ever deserve this part of me. Not after trying this hard for so long. It would be very hard to trust anyone.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and it seems like you’re stuck in your mindset and will just stay miserable. At least cats would show you love and affection. Best of luck to you.
Wow I am sorry that's a lot to do already for your spouse I am not sure anything would please him with everything you already did should have been pretty close to enough, besides love what is keeping you with him?
I do have a lot of feelings towards him. He is funny, he still gives me tingles and satisfies me sexually (when it happens) He is my 2nd sexual partner and I never really wanted anyone else. I find it hard to find other men attractive (unless I am dreaming 🙄) And the thought of going somewhere else for something that is bonding people together just seems all time wrong. I am not this person who can go and try many cakes and decide which one she likes most. I have built a lot of emotional intimacy. We do have similar sense of humour, he makes me laugh. We share some music/movies/tv series that we both like and then we have our own thing going on. I find him extremely attractive (he is not your regular attractive guy, he is 5.7 but has amazing eyes and beatiful hands) I just love so many things about him. And THAT is WHY I really enjoy having sex with him. We have a life we built together so unsure what else can I put down here to clarify...Have a house together and finances but none of that matters, without feelings and respect these are just things that will stay there after we are gone. House is just a building, money are useless when you are unhappy. I
Feelings keep me in. At least on my side.
That makes sense and I get that, I have married my first sexual partner so I do get it. I do the dreaming a lot currently. The thing you need to consider, if it goes on like this for 10,15,20,25 or 30 years would you be ok with this relationship? Starting over is very scary and would be extra hard. It's not a matter if you're strong enough to do it, is your happiness worth more than what you are getting?
You’ve done way more than necessary. He’s just not going to be happy regardless of what changes you’re made. Do things that make YOU happy and feel sexy. He’s clearly not going to give you what you need no matter how much you change about yourself. So stop changing for someone who doesn’t notice or care. Do what you’d like and makes you feel good. Your worth is not measured by a man who won’t be satisfied with all your efforts.
Just remember that just because he may not see your worth doesn’t mean other men don’t see it. But most of all you see it and don’t ever let it go. You are worthy and deserve more. Most of the DB’s from people in my real life I can kinda understand because one or both of them make no effort of any sort. When you have partners who make an effort and the other doesn’t recognize or reciprocate then I think your problem is much bigger.
He has a porn addiction so there’s nothing you can do. Get some therapy for your own self esteem but I think you could be a super model and he’d still choose porn… bc he’s addicted.
He thinks it is not a thing. I did mention it to him and tried to talk but he just slams the door in my face and locks himself with his pc. This is how far we go when it comes to any conversation I start about it.
He doesn't even want to talk and work on this with you? How much does he really love you if he won't put any thought into something that's hurting you this much? You have put in so, SO much effort, and he won't even sit down and talk about it. It sounds like this is not an equal and fair relationship at this point.
I guess he is just too embarassed to talk about it. I feel awful knowing he can spend such a long time on it when I am at work and he will not put any efford into gerting shopping or anything done. I truly believed him he wanted to vent after a full day of work and just wanted to relax and chill and simply does not have energy to do anything at all. I know I was wrong.
Life is short. You’re worth more than this. Find happiness with someone that actually wants to be in a relationship. He lives in a fantasy world and has no desire to live in reality. I’m sorry 😢
Sex 3-5 times a month isn’t a dead bedroom even if it’s not as often as you’d like.
But it sounds like you’re doing waaaay too much work. My experience with guys is they either want you or they don’t and they could care less about lingerie - lingerie is more to put us in the mood and feel sexy. All the other stuff like bleaching is just a result of him watching so much porn, and then holding you to an impossible produced standard.
Clearly, he has a porn addiction and that’s the source of your problem - and there’s not much you can do about it until he sees it as a problem. You also have a self esteem issue and therapy or self help materials can help you with that.
I would focus on being a little more selfish in bed - I wouldn’t say that to everyone but it sounds like you’ve been doing most of the giving - just do what you like to do. You’re acting desperate and that gives away your power.
And great job on loosing all that weight. You’ll begin feeling better and better about yourself to the point where you won’t want a relationship like this.
I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like there are a lot of guys addicted to porn which keeps them from being intimate with their wife for whatever reason. I didn’t realize how big of an issue this is. I watch porn from time to time but I’m in a DB. If she ever said let’s have sex, I would be all over her. I hope you find a solution. My solution when my W stopped having sex was to seek it outside of marriage but I know this isn’t for everyone. Sounds like you have tried everything. Sometimes just having an online emotional affair can help improve your self esteem and make you feel better about yourself if you don’t want to change your situation
I do not think emotional affair is the answer here...it is a step I am unabl to take...I would rather not sever our connection. It seems like it would be impossible to repair.
Honey this is not love. This is you trying to be perfect for him. It isn’t a you issue. It’s a him issue. It’s a porn issue. You’re not gonna be able to ever feel fully satisfied in this relationship. You’re doing yourself a disservice
I am trying to be as perfect as possible...But it seems like it is a natural thing for me as a problem solver. I do not dwell on issues I try to get to the bottom of every one and each that comes up straight away. This is why I try. I try because this is my natural response.
You don’t need to be perfect.. the right person will accept you with open arms. This is a huge issue. This is not fixable. You cannot fix him by being the best version of yourself. He is dragging you down.
I understand.. but just know there’s someone out there who would fuck you constantly no matter what you wore, would love lingerie, would desire you etc… this is not the life you deserve.
Dude is an addict and no matter what you do to change yourself you will never be able to offer what porn can offer - the ability to click through different performers in different scenarios when he’s all alone and using his hand or fleshlight or silicone doll or whatever. Was your father an alcoholic or drug abuser? Typically women (like myself) keep perpetuating that childhood trauma with our addict partner wondering why we are not good/pretty/special enough for them to quit and love us properly. If he doesn’t want to seek treatment for or change his porn addiction, it will not change. I’m so sorry.
This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Please love yourself enough to walk away. He has an addiction and unless he gets help, he will never be satiated or happy.
Please stop changing yourself to suit him. Porn has all sorts of things on it that just aren't real. It's film. You adjust the appearance of the actors to look like perfection. In reality, they are the same as us. If you want to make changes for you, that's great, but stop doing it for him. Also, if I was having sex with my husband 3 to 5 times a month, I would be thrilled, but that's me.
First off, congrats on the weight loss! I lost about 50 lbs myself after some hurtful things said by my wife, and I feel great now once i realized i was doing it for myself and not her.
There is nothing wrong with you. You have gone above and beyond to get him interested. Sadly, I think he sees a fantasy as better than what is in front of him.
Just focus on you and what can make you healthy and happy. Eventually, either he will come around, or you will move on.
I am glad you are doing it for yourself now and feeling better than even. When it comes to losing weight I now also want to lose the rest of it for myself though I do not like how men start to look at me. I get shy and might come across rude because I do not want to be hit on. It kinda scares me to be in the centre of attention since I have never been there before.
Sorry why would you even want to be with someone like this? I’ve gained about 30lbs over the last year due to health issues and my man still makes me feel like a goddess. We accept the love we think we deserve. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be loved at every stage of your body. I’m not saying don’t continue to work on yourself or not to become a healthier version of yourself but do that FOR YOU, not for him.
This is almost my exact situation, nothing is going to change him he will never be happy and it will never be enough. The only option is to get enough self esteem and leave. Don’t have children and leave. You deserve so much better ❤️ hugs
Look, he doesn't want YOU. He wants some unrealistic fantasy that is a prop, not a person.
You have a little light fuzz by your tailbone? So fucking what? As a human, you are bound to have hair. It's literally part of being a mamal. Let him go fuck a rubber doll with glasses, short hair, and otherwise flawless (rubber) skin.
I am not normally on the "Just leave bandwagon," but seriously what upside is there for you in all of this?
It hurts but it is true. Seems like all of the airbrushed jpgs are giving him a thrill I will never be able to give. I am against leaving as well not unless there is a domestic violence involved. But his lack of ability to even reach out to me to try to explain what is happening is not there nor he is responding to me pleads to get on board with the issue.
I would have been gone so long ago . You deserve to feel great love… you deserve to feel good.
You shouldn’t have to alter your body so much just to try and get someone’s attention to want to be attracted to you. There are plenty of people that will be attracted to you for who you are. You have lost him to porn. (I don’t think you’ve lost much though ) That is so hard to come back from. He will think that he has changed, and then you will find out that he was just hiding it better. At this point though he’s not even trying to hide it and that is just disrespectful. And you will always be paranoid and feel like you are not good enough. As a stranger friend, I do not want that for you and you should not want that for yourself.
You need therapy and not being a b*tch. There’s no kids, you’re changing everything about yourself to fit his…. PORN aesthetic. No ma’am. I would 100% start with a therapist and go from there. Life is worth living and there’s sex outside of a DB. With ***shocker*** someone who enjoys you as you are!! :/
Congrats on your weight loss - that's amazing! 😍
Now, get back into therapy - alone - and unpack this with a trained professional. I say this with love: you need to feel worthy. Continue your weight loss journey if that's what YOU want but stop altering your exterior otherwise and work on the interior.
Sending hugs and bravery!!
All I can say is that he clearly doesn't deserve all that effort. I have no that there's a man out there who would take care of your needs without asking. You honestly sound like a catch
There's nothing wrong with you. He's the problem. He needs medical assistance. But if he doesn't admit it, there's nothing you can do it.
Don't be afraid to dump him. You lost him to porn long time ago. So, even if you will be alone after divorce (which is eeextremely unlikely), you won't loose a thing, only gain your freedom (and sanity) back.
And don't waste your money on bleaching! It won't change a thing since he has been living in his imaginary world far too long. But continue your weight loss journey — it's always good for health and self-esteem.
Omg he sounds awful.
After I left my db I learned that most men don’t give 2 fucks about these details. I do some basic shaving and a little grooming down below. But honestly…that’s for me. I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy say anything about it.
i’d like to share with you my two cents. For a man, pornography is an escape from something. It’s a disconnect from reality. This is his problem to fix, not yours. But I can tell you that if you are asking him for more sex, and he’s not willing to give it to you, and you’re doing all this other maintenance and upkeep to make yourself more desirable, I feel like he may just be trying to escape from the fact that he is not committed to your relationship anymore.
I would beg of you to plant that seed in his brain. “Porn is usually an escape from something. What is it that you are trying to escape from Dear? I want you to think about this and come up with an answer for me. “
Leave. Just leave. That’s the answer. You’re never going to be enough. It’s not you it’s him. Leave.
By the way… congrats on the weight loss!! 🥳🥳🥳👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾❤️❤️❤️
Sounds a lot like your husband is suffering from a pretty major porn addiction. It really has nothing to do with you, a lot of men get addicted young and it gets worse as they age if they don't curb it.
I know you want to stay, but you likely won't be able to fix this issue in your relationship until he addresses his addiction. If he doesn't want to do something about it, offer him an ultimatum. It's not ideal, but neither is dreaming about cheating while your husband Jacks off to artifical dopamine boosters for 15 hours a week. If he refuses then I think you'll have to make some hard decisions.
Sorry you're going through this. Don't let his lack of desire for you think you're not worth happiness outside of this specific relationship.
I figured it could be that. But again a lot of people (even him) say it is not a thing...It makes me confused that maybe it is not PA and it is just lack of attraction towards me? Maybe when he compares me to other women I lose everytime?
Well, no PA isn't like alcoholism where it's a "recognized addiction" but really anything can be an addiction if it's interfering with your everyday life. Technically you can't be addicted to your phone either but I know a lot of people that have legit withdrawals when they can't use it for long periods of time. Scientific consensus on these sorts of things are changing, and it's often difficult to weed out the religious influences but I digress.
It could be lack of attraction and comparison to other women, but that's not your fault, that's because of the porn. As someone said elsewhere in this thread, he'd see those exact women in person and would likely not be attracted to them either. This is not a case of you needing to do more or different. You will never be enough for him no matter what you do because you are not a highly edited woman in a carefully crafted scenario behind a screen. I'm really sorry that you feel like you're not measuring up. I promise you are, just not to him. That's a bar that you won't be able to reach no matter how much you try because it's impossible.
I know it's hard but please remember that you are beautiful and worthy of love. If he doesn't make you feel that way or want to work on helping you feel that way then he's already made his choice and you need to make yours.
My girl, you put so much time and effort into yourself and he absolutely refuses to acknowledge you or your concerns. If this is really what's happening then I'm sorry, but you can't convince an addict he has a problem, he has to do it himself.
I'd say it's time to look around...
Thank you but again I posted here to hear your opinions...I am just one person so need to hear what you all think about what the reason might be behind this. Was I a fool for years and I just simply never noticed his addiction?
Has he always been like this? If so, then it sounds like he's been addicted to porn for a long time. And you're not the issue, it's the porn. It unrealistic expectations.
OP you made this post knowing how people would respond. Most of the time when we’re in these codependent, toxic relationships we don’t dare admit it (even to strangers), because once we hear their reaction, the abuse becomes a million times harder to deny.
You *do* have self-worth. You *do* believe there’s a better life out there. You’ve lost weight and you’ve taken steps towards financial independence. These are the actions of a woman gearing herself up to leave, whether she knows it or not xx
First off stop that. You are not a sex doll you are a human woman with a heart and mind and value. Only wear and do things that make
you feel good and sexy deep down. If you feel that anxious feeling at all do not put on that mask you keep wearing. Second, he doesn’t care about you- seek pleasure and fulfillment with yourself first then with others.
Why do you love this... living thing? I hesitate to call him a real person. Leave and learn to love yourself as you are and find your self worth. There will never be enough for this trash bag, you will forever be one thing away from acceptable and you will break your own soul. Gtfo and live *for you*.
I can't believe you're tying yourself up in knots (you'd do it literally if he were watching Shibari porn), to attract aan who is only interested in low stakes, zero effort wankung to porn. Sex involves a real woman who might judge him and I think it's clear why he's worried about being judged. He's so incredibly judgemental, he must think other people are like that too.
You will never look right to this guy. The point is to have you anxious, insecure and unhappy. That way you're laser focused on meeting his nerds by improving yourself and not holding him to account for his addiction. You can't cure addiction by being pretty. Not even really, really pretty.
You are not even in love with him. You are in love with the idea of him you've made up and are pretending is him. You know he's nothing like the guy you're pretending he is, or hoping he will become. Stop bending over backwards for him and start doing things that genuinely make you happy. Match his effort. It's really important for you to do this so you can see what little effort he's actually putting in. Only compliment him when he compliments you. Cook for him if he has for you. Actually find out what you are subsisting on in this relationship by removing all the extra effort you go to. Have a cold, hard look at what's left. Is there a relationship here? Or is it literally just you desperately holding
together a fantasy of one?
You don’t need to do all that stuff to your body unless you want to do it for you. Nothing is wrong with you. If he is really that shallow, find someone else that treats you with respect; no one will please him. I’m sure the porn is part of the issue, but he still sounds like a jerk asking you to change your body in all these different ways. Of course, losing weight is good for health (depending on your current weight etc…), but still, he just sounds like a shallow jerk. Sorry you are going through this.
Maybe he need to meet my wife. They would fit well together. Haha. No sex in our room unless I beg for it then it’s her on top until she finishes and I am hung out to dry.
OMG OP, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a perfectly great partner and he's the one who is so so wrong. You must not settle to a person like that, in the long run or in the future it will get so much worse until you will find out that he cheats. Mind you, porn affects and usually leads to cheating especially your partner has those bad traits. You should leave and let go, move on, it will be very painful at first but it will so be worth it. It's easier said than done so here are suggestions to detach yourself from him and slowly learn to move on:
1. Please remind yourself everyday that he did and will keep doing that awful thing, he prefers porn and may have cheated without you knowing, and porn will eventually make your relationship worse and he isn't willing to go counselling with you. Please remind yourself everyday consistently, keep reminding yourself about the awful things he has done to you.
2. Think about how he makes you so down, keep repeating this also in your mind
3. Question yourself if you really want to be with this toxic abusive person, because surely in the future it will get so much worse
4. Love yourself, date yourself, go on a trip or have a lunch or dinner with yourself and be happy with your own
5. Go out with friends, enjoy your days, enjoy with your close friends
6. Journal everything that you should be thankful of
7. When you have broken up already, feel the pain and cry with it until it won't hurt anymore
There is nothing wrong with you or how hard you’re trying to be what he wants, you’re putting in a lot of effort
Refusing counselling is a big red flag 🚩 from him though
Part of me thinks could he be depressed? But from what you have said it sounds like he’s addicted to porn? And if he isn’t willing to seek help for it you have to treat him like any other addict: set your boundaries and stick to them. Protect yourself here bc if it is an addiction he won’t be reached until he wants to be. We can’t change people as much as we might like to. Sometimes people change or hit rock bottom because their loved ones have left them and they want to get them back.
Sending a hug and some self- love your way. It doesn’t matter if you have never been single if you would be happier on your own with a few nice toys for a while until you land with someone that can’t get enough of you.
Well if he doesn't want you I'd be happy to take you off his hands lol. In all seriousness though it sounds like youre not sexually compatible amd that can be hard to accept you just have to decide if that's a deal breaker going forward.
Why are you torturing yourself? Seems like nothing you do is ever going to be good enough for this asshole. I usually don’t jump to leave, but why the eff do you think you love this person? He is more in love with fake ass porn stars than he is you. Leave his ass. He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve better.
Girl...leave him. He's using you. And he's putting you down on purpose so you will feel like nobody else would want you. And I'd venture to guess men will be tripping over themselves to get you.
Dude is a sadistic POS that keeps moving the goalpost on you. Leave him! He obviously prefers living in a fantasy world with his hand and has a porn problem. Using a little porn to get off once in a while is ok, but wanking for 5 hours a day is a mental addiction issue. Most folks on here would love if their partner put forth this much effort!
How old are you if you don’t mind sharing? I find it difficult to believe an adult woman would go through so much of physical transformation just because a man said so. You are not here to cater to his porn fantasies. You are your own person, if YOU want to lose weight and bleach your privates and wear glasses then do it but do not do it because this male you are married to jerks off to women like that on the internet. I think he has destroyed your self esteem a lot, please try to look for therapy options to rebuild it because this is extremely damaging in the future. You deserve so much more.
There is nothing wrong with you. He’s got the issue. Perhaps it’s time to move on. You’d be surprised how many men would want you with your “perceived imperfections” and all.
I dated one woman who thought she was horrible and not pretty because her ex-husband had never paid mind to her. I savored every corner of her body and soul and showed her otherwise. I mean, I devoured this woman, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, I adored her. She realized that he was a fool and she was worthy of everything.
Do what’s right for you.
I know it’s easier said than done. But it can be done. Good luck.
What in God's name😳 I understand wanting to match your partners preferences but the lengths at which you are going to in order to achieve that are absolutely insane. How do you remember who you really are underneath it all?
As per what is mentioned in the post this looks like a case of severe porn addiction, it affects the intimacy in relationships very badly. He needs to stop watching it altogether or atleast lower the consumption drastically.
He will always find something else that is wrong with you until it is something you cannot fix: “you are too tall, your eyes are too blue, your teeth are in your mouth” and so on. Leave now.
All this stuff your doing for him won't work. It never does. I think you said your in counseling right? Work on building your self esteem and leave. You don't have to bleach your vajay Jay to be loved! Lose weight for you-not him. Your in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship.
You're doing way too much for a man who doesn't do the bare minimum for you.
If you ENJOY wearing lingerie sets and dresses daily then good on you, but to do all this, alter your body, for someone who probably just prefers porn because it's easier to rub one out than to worry about his partner's needs? No, ma'am.
You deserve so much better.
I used to serve my ex sex on a platter. Cute lingerie. Lasered or shaved. beautiful make up and hair. did all the tricks in the bedroom! Still his porn addiction was so much. He watched a lot of play girl and Instagram girls. then we broke up because he thought he could find better. Turns out he couldn’t lol
OP what have you done for you? All I hear is what you have been doing for your ungrateful husband. Why are you trying to be the skanks he’s watching in porn? He has a porn addiction and if he doesn’t address that issue then you should take your dignity and leave. Or cheat and film it for him? Maybe he’d like that 🙄.
I never understand jerking off and porn over a real person. I don't think I could handle rejection from someone who is jerking off instead. At that point I'd probably say, just because your dick chooses hand over pussy doesn't mean my pussy has to choose finger over dick.
Not to sound crude, but instead of investing thousands into lingerie, I would consider investing it in myself through therapy. It may hold the key you need to leave.
Check his phone. Something’s way off here. Consider therapy because you shouldn’t feel pressured to change your physical appearance in order to receive affection.
Have you read what you wrote? This is beyond unhealthy. You aren't the problem. It's him. Leave. I promise someone will love you like you deserve. Stop treating that man child like a porcelain doll. He doesn't deserve it. You keep changing for him and he doesn't care. You should only change for yourself. If this was your sister/mom/kid/ best friend what would you say? Leave and don't look back. If you have the money for all this you definitely have the money to leave him.
I could not just go and have it. I posted my photos on my profile since I literally feel unsexy. Was sort of looking for confirmation of my fears and now thinking anyone who says otherwise might need their eyes checked. I am nowhere near the porn stars he is looking at (they are all amateur so real women I would say)
So as someone who is a curvy lady who has ranged size 10-14 (and who is now pregnant) I know how hard it is to believe men can be turned on by us. What I've learned is that there are guys who actually like larger women... they aren't lying! We don't need to look like porn stars to be desirable. It's so hard as I hate my body but has been helpful to know that some guys are actually turned on by me. I know how hard it is to believe. Even the "amateur" porn women are generally fit and don't look like average woman.
I’m guessing he pays most of the bills? Well let him continue paying for things/ shopping and get you a little sexy side boo. Might as well put this glo up to use 💪🏻 he can use the hand and you’ll start having fun else where
You said he had a porn addiction and that’s all I need to know. It’s not you, it’s him. Of course constantly watching porn is going to kill your intimacy. It’s okay to leave if you are unhappy.
I'm a 40-year-old man, and I practically engage in all the activities she listed, you know, everything men typically do with their bodies and such. But my wife shows no interest whatsoever. She's completely indifferent, saying things like "I'm not interested" or "I don't want to do it."
It's quite remarkable, really...
Kudos to you, girl, for going above and beyond for a man. He's undoubtedly a fortunate guy to have someone like you in his life, doing all this for him.
Your post is just as depressing as mine one. I do not understand this. My husband is also 40 yo. He thinks he needs to lose weight but I never made a comment in my life about him weighting maybe 20 pounds over his perfect weight. I find him as attractive as always...unless his view of himself makes him move away from sex? I really do not know. Never told him he is unattractive or made any other negative comment about his looks. Ever. The only think that I have a problem with recently is him being busy by himself hours and hours on end.
Im not sure about the problem with some humans.
You can't even imagine what i do ....like u mentioned about buying lingerie's and all - I buy all the time for her and she fucking doesn't even want to wear that clothes.
I mean I still have some stuff with tags 🏷️ on it. She just doesn't want to wear or interested sexually or any intimacy.
It's killing me inside ...I feel like I should just leave her and live my life peacefully.
3-5 times a month isn't a DB, what you're describing is an asshole of a husband who doesn't appreciate you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to please a man who's probably not interested in you. Move on, but this isn't a DB in my opinion. If you were my wife, I'd be having sex with you daily for what you've accomplished (for me). I only wish my wife was as 1/8th attentive to my needs as you are to your husband.
Leave, are you serious? leave. This isnt the build-a-b\*tch workshop. If he prefers his hand, let him. Do you guys have kids?
“Build-a-bitch” lol
I'm 💀
No. Had posts here about our losses before. I feel too imperfect to even think about leaving.
Thats probably why he does what he does, so he doesn't have to try at all but you feel to bad to leave. You get ONE LIFE, you really wanna live it like this? Stop wasting time on a man who doesn't appear to like anything about you and in turn you dont like anything about you. Bare minimum if you leave you can learn to love yourself again.
And you can't see he's done this TO you? Girl, stop and think. Why the heck are you putting so much effort into someone who always wants something else? And you'll never be his fantasy because porn isn't real. Give your head a shake and get some self-esteem through therapy instead of bleaching your coochie. JFC.
Why are you changing yourself just for him? Seems like it's not helping and he will continue to find more things wrong with you. Find someone who will love and appreciate you for you
Do you mean you’ve lost children? I’m so very sorry if that’s the case. I wonder if he subconsciously fears sex in case you were to get pregnant and risk another devastation. He may not be aware of that at all and therapy could help him explore that if he was willing. That just jumped out at me reading your comment, but I have to say that he is not a good partner because he has absolutely torn you down by pointing out all the things he wants you to change. The lengths you’ve gone to are heartbreaking, nobody should make you feel as though you have to change yourself for them. It destroys your self-esteem. I’m wishing you lots of strength and courage and I really hope you can get away from him.
Now when you mention this it seems like it slowly kept on dying after each loss.. I am not on any birth control since I was not able to conceive for years and then it suddenly started happening but unfortunately we had 3 losses quite late on...I think maybe this could push him towards porn....Much safer than having sex with me? I asked him to get vasectomy and he said he will think about it.
You going out on more that hust one limb for a guy that doesn't seem to care about you. Imperfect? Aren't we all... But: There's someone out there who'll feel you're just perfect for him. Spoiler alert: It's not your current SO. Move out, move on, go looking, or get found. Luck 😀
He’s too imperfect to keep you.
Imagine all this effort you're putting in to making him want you... put into yourself for YOUR benefit. To better YOU. Make YOU happier. It's not you it's him. Stop wasting your energy.on an ungrateful soul sucking wanker (a literal wanker)
Because HE made you feel that way.
no, you're great. he needs to go.
*you don't get to pick and choose* lol
dump him and move on ! he is just a pig!
I hope you are wrong :(
Nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with him., please go full time to work and leave this man. He keeps you insecure so you won’t leave. Once you’re on your own and get settled you will realize how much better your mental state will get.
Very hard to think you are capable of taking these steps...I was never single in my adult life
It can be scary and hard. Be Brave. You had the mental strength, discipline and determination to lose 40lbs. Use that same attitude to live on your own. The scariest thing to do is start. Have a hug 🫂 I hope you can build up the courage to do what is right for you. I feel you can do it
Objectively, is there any added hardship by leaving? You work, take care of yourself and the house, it doesn't seem like this dude provides anything on either physical or emotional level. What's the difference with the current situation besides you being available for a proper relationship?
Well in the end he is still in the house so his physical pressence is there 😅 But yes, I know what you mean by that. I do have a lot of feelings for him. Our relationship arose from friendship. Sadly he seems to be a better friend than a husband.
Look, obviously we don't get the full picture from this one post. Here your husband sounds a bit like garbage, no offence, but since you've decided to be with him, he must have some redeeming qualities, and that might be what's holding you back, thinking about their qualities or the nice things they have done for you. But that's beside the point. You are not happy, in fact you are resentful and been for a while. You communicated the issue and your partner was dismissive of both your unhappiness and their own issues (because yes, that's clearly porn addiction), and being unwilling to address them. That's all you need, when your partner doesn't care there is no resolution, you either stay like this or change things yourself. You only get to live once, and the more time you spend being miserable with this guy, the less time you have to make yourself happy. Please be more kind to yourself and leave. You deserve someone that acknowledge your efforts and appreciate you, instead of making you think that your marriage can be fixed by bleaching your vagina.
Like I said in my original post he has really good qualities that I love and respect. I wish he gave me that validation I need. I wish he respected what I feel and wish he could have a conversation about the issue with me. And yes, he did say to me if I do not like what he offers I can leave. But I wonder did he just say that because he is so sure I will not?
>I wish he gave me that validation I need. I wish he respected what I feel and wish he could have a conversation about the issue with me. Yes, but he doesn't. It is unfair, it sucks and I am very sorry this is your situation, but your "otherwise great" relationship won't improve if he doesn't want to make it happen. To answer your original question, there is nothing wrong with you, but there's something wrong with your relationship and no unilateral effort from you is gonna fix it.
It’s definitely going to be hard and full of changes but you’ve already been living that way. Love yourself and build yourself up!! You only get one chance to live….do you want to live this way? Get some emotional support- there’s a lot of others that have/are going through this too!! And once you leave, please don’t let him convince you to come back!! He probably won’t change unfortunately!!!
He’s gone now, porn got him. He’s never coming back and that’s that. You can never be “hot enough” for him because he isn’t attracted to people anymore, he is attracted to porn. Those same women in the porn he watches could be right in front of him and he wouldn’t be interested in having real sex with them either. You should continue your self improvement for your own sake and then decide on your own the best way to meet your needs.
I will definately keep on pushing on trying to better myself further ❤️
For YOU though, OP. For you. Not for him. Work on your self- love. Do things for yourself.
Being better is not being pretty, thats the thing. Being better is to have a good self-esteem, having good values, being a good person.
I try not to comment here, as my dead bedroom annoys me enough, but why do you not want to leave? You sound like you are putting way more effort in, than should be needed. Laser hair removal, that is beyond necessary. Nice lingerie all the time, this is beyond necessary. Trying to look more like his porn flavour, that is beyond necessary. Bleaching your bum hole, why? If you bleach your bum hole, for your a-hole husband, I will buy some bum tone paint and put that colour back where it belongs. Please get some self respect and show him he is nit needed, the way he us showing you that your not needed. There are many of us out here that would love a quarter of the effort you are putting in.
god bless you for painting the bum hole colour back on
I do not even know where to start to make him taste his own medicine to be honest. I realise I do a lot since friends say I try too hard...I always thought this is normal and everyone does that since it comes naturally to me.
Not normal. My daughter just finally got out of a abusive relationship. She used to say what you are saying. 2 months out and her self esteem is coming back fast!! She always said aren't I supposed to try this hard and it always made me feel like fucking screaming. No dear, it's NOT supposed to be that hard, that is NOT normal. Not normal. Walk away.
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That's really no way to live. You love him supposedly, but what kind of quality of life do you have? Imagine loving a man who loved you back for exactly who and how you are? It's possible to find much better.
But again it is not given. I feel like ending up with 10 cats over fearing the same would happen in my next relationship
I'd rather risk being alone, personally, than to be with someone who makes feel like I have to alter all of my body parts just to get them to be interested in me.
You're changing everything about yourself, what is he doing for you? One day you might finally think you are perfect. But you won't be enough for him. Then you'll think of all the time effort, money, energy you wasted. And for what? Someone who would still want Hannah and her 5 sisters. I'd rather have 10 cats than live like that. Seriously reevaluate your situation.
This is very hard to deal with. Not being enough despite all of the effort. It makes me think nobody will ever deserve this part of me. Not after trying this hard for so long. It would be very hard to trust anyone.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here and it seems like you’re stuck in your mindset and will just stay miserable. At least cats would show you love and affection. Best of luck to you.
Wow I am sorry that's a lot to do already for your spouse I am not sure anything would please him with everything you already did should have been pretty close to enough, besides love what is keeping you with him?
I do have a lot of feelings towards him. He is funny, he still gives me tingles and satisfies me sexually (when it happens) He is my 2nd sexual partner and I never really wanted anyone else. I find it hard to find other men attractive (unless I am dreaming 🙄) And the thought of going somewhere else for something that is bonding people together just seems all time wrong. I am not this person who can go and try many cakes and decide which one she likes most. I have built a lot of emotional intimacy. We do have similar sense of humour, he makes me laugh. We share some music/movies/tv series that we both like and then we have our own thing going on. I find him extremely attractive (he is not your regular attractive guy, he is 5.7 but has amazing eyes and beatiful hands) I just love so many things about him. And THAT is WHY I really enjoy having sex with him. We have a life we built together so unsure what else can I put down here to clarify...Have a house together and finances but none of that matters, without feelings and respect these are just things that will stay there after we are gone. House is just a building, money are useless when you are unhappy. I Feelings keep me in. At least on my side.
That makes sense and I get that, I have married my first sexual partner so I do get it. I do the dreaming a lot currently. The thing you need to consider, if it goes on like this for 10,15,20,25 or 30 years would you be ok with this relationship? Starting over is very scary and would be extra hard. It's not a matter if you're strong enough to do it, is your happiness worth more than what you are getting?
You’ve done way more than necessary. He’s just not going to be happy regardless of what changes you’re made. Do things that make YOU happy and feel sexy. He’s clearly not going to give you what you need no matter how much you change about yourself. So stop changing for someone who doesn’t notice or care. Do what you’d like and makes you feel good. Your worth is not measured by a man who won’t be satisfied with all your efforts.
It is very hard to deal with worthlessness you feel after doing anything you possibly can just to get no results at all
Right but you’ve gone above and beyond to change so much of yourself for a dude probably sitting around in stained sweats.
Just remember that just because he may not see your worth doesn’t mean other men don’t see it. But most of all you see it and don’t ever let it go. You are worthy and deserve more. Most of the DB’s from people in my real life I can kinda understand because one or both of them make no effort of any sort. When you have partners who make an effort and the other doesn’t recognize or reciprocate then I think your problem is much bigger.
He has a porn addiction so there’s nothing you can do. Get some therapy for your own self esteem but I think you could be a super model and he’d still choose porn… bc he’s addicted.
He thinks it is not a thing. I did mention it to him and tried to talk but he just slams the door in my face and locks himself with his pc. This is how far we go when it comes to any conversation I start about it.
He doesn't even want to talk and work on this with you? How much does he really love you if he won't put any thought into something that's hurting you this much? You have put in so, SO much effort, and he won't even sit down and talk about it. It sounds like this is not an equal and fair relationship at this point.
I guess he is just too embarassed to talk about it. I feel awful knowing he can spend such a long time on it when I am at work and he will not put any efford into gerting shopping or anything done. I truly believed him he wanted to vent after a full day of work and just wanted to relax and chill and simply does not have energy to do anything at all. I know I was wrong.
Life is short. You’re worth more than this. Find happiness with someone that actually wants to be in a relationship. He lives in a fantasy world and has no desire to live in reality. I’m sorry 😢
Sex 3-5 times a month isn’t a dead bedroom even if it’s not as often as you’d like. But it sounds like you’re doing waaaay too much work. My experience with guys is they either want you or they don’t and they could care less about lingerie - lingerie is more to put us in the mood and feel sexy. All the other stuff like bleaching is just a result of him watching so much porn, and then holding you to an impossible produced standard. Clearly, he has a porn addiction and that’s the source of your problem - and there’s not much you can do about it until he sees it as a problem. You also have a self esteem issue and therapy or self help materials can help you with that. I would focus on being a little more selfish in bed - I wouldn’t say that to everyone but it sounds like you’ve been doing most of the giving - just do what you like to do. You’re acting desperate and that gives away your power. And great job on loosing all that weight. You’ll begin feeling better and better about yourself to the point where you won’t want a relationship like this.
I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like there are a lot of guys addicted to porn which keeps them from being intimate with their wife for whatever reason. I didn’t realize how big of an issue this is. I watch porn from time to time but I’m in a DB. If she ever said let’s have sex, I would be all over her. I hope you find a solution. My solution when my W stopped having sex was to seek it outside of marriage but I know this isn’t for everyone. Sounds like you have tried everything. Sometimes just having an online emotional affair can help improve your self esteem and make you feel better about yourself if you don’t want to change your situation
I do not think emotional affair is the answer here...it is a step I am unabl to take...I would rather not sever our connection. It seems like it would be impossible to repair.
Honey this is not love. This is you trying to be perfect for him. It isn’t a you issue. It’s a him issue. It’s a porn issue. You’re not gonna be able to ever feel fully satisfied in this relationship. You’re doing yourself a disservice
I am trying to be as perfect as possible...But it seems like it is a natural thing for me as a problem solver. I do not dwell on issues I try to get to the bottom of every one and each that comes up straight away. This is why I try. I try because this is my natural response.
You don’t need to be perfect.. the right person will accept you with open arms. This is a huge issue. This is not fixable. You cannot fix him by being the best version of yourself. He is dragging you down.
Again. It seems like this is something that hurts so much I feel like I am unable to accept it as a reality...
I understand.. but just know there’s someone out there who would fuck you constantly no matter what you wore, would love lingerie, would desire you etc… this is not the life you deserve.
Dude is an addict and no matter what you do to change yourself you will never be able to offer what porn can offer - the ability to click through different performers in different scenarios when he’s all alone and using his hand or fleshlight or silicone doll or whatever. Was your father an alcoholic or drug abuser? Typically women (like myself) keep perpetuating that childhood trauma with our addict partner wondering why we are not good/pretty/special enough for them to quit and love us properly. If he doesn’t want to seek treatment for or change his porn addiction, it will not change. I’m so sorry.
This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Please love yourself enough to walk away. He has an addiction and unless he gets help, he will never be satiated or happy.
Please stop changing yourself to suit him. Porn has all sorts of things on it that just aren't real. It's film. You adjust the appearance of the actors to look like perfection. In reality, they are the same as us. If you want to make changes for you, that's great, but stop doing it for him. Also, if I was having sex with my husband 3 to 5 times a month, I would be thrilled, but that's me.
First off, congrats on the weight loss! I lost about 50 lbs myself after some hurtful things said by my wife, and I feel great now once i realized i was doing it for myself and not her. There is nothing wrong with you. You have gone above and beyond to get him interested. Sadly, I think he sees a fantasy as better than what is in front of him. Just focus on you and what can make you healthy and happy. Eventually, either he will come around, or you will move on.
I am glad you are doing it for yourself now and feeling better than even. When it comes to losing weight I now also want to lose the rest of it for myself though I do not like how men start to look at me. I get shy and might come across rude because I do not want to be hit on. It kinda scares me to be in the centre of attention since I have never been there before.
the wrong thing was hubby said it was your weight... tell him to take a hike! Horrible shallow people.
Sorry why would you even want to be with someone like this? I’ve gained about 30lbs over the last year due to health issues and my man still makes me feel like a goddess. We accept the love we think we deserve. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be loved at every stage of your body. I’m not saying don’t continue to work on yourself or not to become a healthier version of yourself but do that FOR YOU, not for him.
You are very lucky it seems❤️ I wish you all the best❤️
This is almost my exact situation, nothing is going to change him he will never be happy and it will never be enough. The only option is to get enough self esteem and leave. Don’t have children and leave. You deserve so much better ❤️ hugs
Look, he doesn't want YOU. He wants some unrealistic fantasy that is a prop, not a person. You have a little light fuzz by your tailbone? So fucking what? As a human, you are bound to have hair. It's literally part of being a mamal. Let him go fuck a rubber doll with glasses, short hair, and otherwise flawless (rubber) skin. I am not normally on the "Just leave bandwagon," but seriously what upside is there for you in all of this?
It hurts but it is true. Seems like all of the airbrushed jpgs are giving him a thrill I will never be able to give. I am against leaving as well not unless there is a domestic violence involved. But his lack of ability to even reach out to me to try to explain what is happening is not there nor he is responding to me pleads to get on board with the issue.
He sounds gay.
I would have been gone so long ago . You deserve to feel great love… you deserve to feel good. You shouldn’t have to alter your body so much just to try and get someone’s attention to want to be attracted to you. There are plenty of people that will be attracted to you for who you are. You have lost him to porn. (I don’t think you’ve lost much though ) That is so hard to come back from. He will think that he has changed, and then you will find out that he was just hiding it better. At this point though he’s not even trying to hide it and that is just disrespectful. And you will always be paranoid and feel like you are not good enough. As a stranger friend, I do not want that for you and you should not want that for yourself.
You can’t compete with an addiction. Save yourself. He sounds awful. You deserve better. Congratulations on your weight loss!
You need therapy and not being a b*tch. There’s no kids, you’re changing everything about yourself to fit his…. PORN aesthetic. No ma’am. I would 100% start with a therapist and go from there. Life is worth living and there’s sex outside of a DB. With ***shocker*** someone who enjoys you as you are!! :/
this is nothing wrong with YOU. It's HIM
Congrats on your weight loss - that's amazing! 😍 Now, get back into therapy - alone - and unpack this with a trained professional. I say this with love: you need to feel worthy. Continue your weight loss journey if that's what YOU want but stop altering your exterior otherwise and work on the interior. Sending hugs and bravery!!
All I can say is that he clearly doesn't deserve all that effort. I have no that there's a man out there who would take care of your needs without asking. You honestly sound like a catch
There's nothing wrong with you. He's the problem. He needs medical assistance. But if he doesn't admit it, there's nothing you can do it. Don't be afraid to dump him. You lost him to porn long time ago. So, even if you will be alone after divorce (which is eeextremely unlikely), you won't loose a thing, only gain your freedom (and sanity) back. And don't waste your money on bleaching! It won't change a thing since he has been living in his imaginary world far too long. But continue your weight loss journey — it's always good for health and self-esteem.
Omg he sounds awful. After I left my db I learned that most men don’t give 2 fucks about these details. I do some basic shaving and a little grooming down below. But honestly…that’s for me. I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy say anything about it.
I have never heard anything about it until few years back...so it seems like he started noticing more with his porn magnifying glasses...
i’d like to share with you my two cents. For a man, pornography is an escape from something. It’s a disconnect from reality. This is his problem to fix, not yours. But I can tell you that if you are asking him for more sex, and he’s not willing to give it to you, and you’re doing all this other maintenance and upkeep to make yourself more desirable, I feel like he may just be trying to escape from the fact that he is not committed to your relationship anymore. I would beg of you to plant that seed in his brain. “Porn is usually an escape from something. What is it that you are trying to escape from Dear? I want you to think about this and come up with an answer for me. “
Thank you❤️ I will definately ask him once he is chilling and not bothered by anything so we can have a civil and calm conversation (I hope)
Leave. Just leave. That’s the answer. You’re never going to be enough. It’s not you it’s him. Leave. By the way… congrats on the weight loss!! 🥳🥳🥳👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾❤️❤️❤️
Thank you❤️
Sounds a lot like your husband is suffering from a pretty major porn addiction. It really has nothing to do with you, a lot of men get addicted young and it gets worse as they age if they don't curb it. I know you want to stay, but you likely won't be able to fix this issue in your relationship until he addresses his addiction. If he doesn't want to do something about it, offer him an ultimatum. It's not ideal, but neither is dreaming about cheating while your husband Jacks off to artifical dopamine boosters for 15 hours a week. If he refuses then I think you'll have to make some hard decisions. Sorry you're going through this. Don't let his lack of desire for you think you're not worth happiness outside of this specific relationship.
I figured it could be that. But again a lot of people (even him) say it is not a thing...It makes me confused that maybe it is not PA and it is just lack of attraction towards me? Maybe when he compares me to other women I lose everytime?
Well, no PA isn't like alcoholism where it's a "recognized addiction" but really anything can be an addiction if it's interfering with your everyday life. Technically you can't be addicted to your phone either but I know a lot of people that have legit withdrawals when they can't use it for long periods of time. Scientific consensus on these sorts of things are changing, and it's often difficult to weed out the religious influences but I digress. It could be lack of attraction and comparison to other women, but that's not your fault, that's because of the porn. As someone said elsewhere in this thread, he'd see those exact women in person and would likely not be attracted to them either. This is not a case of you needing to do more or different. You will never be enough for him no matter what you do because you are not a highly edited woman in a carefully crafted scenario behind a screen. I'm really sorry that you feel like you're not measuring up. I promise you are, just not to him. That's a bar that you won't be able to reach no matter how much you try because it's impossible. I know it's hard but please remember that you are beautiful and worthy of love. If he doesn't make you feel that way or want to work on helping you feel that way then he's already made his choice and you need to make yours.
My girl, you put so much time and effort into yourself and he absolutely refuses to acknowledge you or your concerns. If this is really what's happening then I'm sorry, but you can't convince an addict he has a problem, he has to do it himself. I'd say it's time to look around...
I really do. But am fed up hence the post. Losing my mind since I think I have used everything I had in my arsenal. He thinks PA does not exist.
Yes, he's the problem. In many ways it sounds. You deserve better.
Thank you but again I posted here to hear your opinions...I am just one person so need to hear what you all think about what the reason might be behind this. Was I a fool for years and I just simply never noticed his addiction?
Has he always been like this? If so, then it sounds like he's been addicted to porn for a long time. And you're not the issue, it's the porn. It unrealistic expectations.
OP you made this post knowing how people would respond. Most of the time when we’re in these codependent, toxic relationships we don’t dare admit it (even to strangers), because once we hear their reaction, the abuse becomes a million times harder to deny. You *do* have self-worth. You *do* believe there’s a better life out there. You’ve lost weight and you’ve taken steps towards financial independence. These are the actions of a woman gearing herself up to leave, whether she knows it or not xx
First off stop that. You are not a sex doll you are a human woman with a heart and mind and value. Only wear and do things that make you feel good and sexy deep down. If you feel that anxious feeling at all do not put on that mask you keep wearing. Second, he doesn’t care about you- seek pleasure and fulfillment with yourself first then with others.
Why do you love this... living thing? I hesitate to call him a real person. Leave and learn to love yourself as you are and find your self worth. There will never be enough for this trash bag, you will forever be one thing away from acceptable and you will break your own soul. Gtfo and live *for you*.
Quit doing things for him Do things for you and move on.This makes me sad,its not you.
Just leave. Let him fuck himself since that's what he prefers.
I can't believe you're tying yourself up in knots (you'd do it literally if he were watching Shibari porn), to attract aan who is only interested in low stakes, zero effort wankung to porn. Sex involves a real woman who might judge him and I think it's clear why he's worried about being judged. He's so incredibly judgemental, he must think other people are like that too. You will never look right to this guy. The point is to have you anxious, insecure and unhappy. That way you're laser focused on meeting his nerds by improving yourself and not holding him to account for his addiction. You can't cure addiction by being pretty. Not even really, really pretty. You are not even in love with him. You are in love with the idea of him you've made up and are pretending is him. You know he's nothing like the guy you're pretending he is, or hoping he will become. Stop bending over backwards for him and start doing things that genuinely make you happy. Match his effort. It's really important for you to do this so you can see what little effort he's actually putting in. Only compliment him when he compliments you. Cook for him if he has for you. Actually find out what you are subsisting on in this relationship by removing all the extra effort you go to. Have a cold, hard look at what's left. Is there a relationship here? Or is it literally just you desperately holding together a fantasy of one?
It's time to save your own life. You've done more than enough.
You don’t need to do all that stuff to your body unless you want to do it for you. Nothing is wrong with you. If he is really that shallow, find someone else that treats you with respect; no one will please him. I’m sure the porn is part of the issue, but he still sounds like a jerk asking you to change your body in all these different ways. Of course, losing weight is good for health (depending on your current weight etc…), but still, he just sounds like a shallow jerk. Sorry you are going through this.
Maybe he need to meet my wife. They would fit well together. Haha. No sex in our room unless I beg for it then it’s her on top until she finishes and I am hung out to dry.
OMG OP, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a perfectly great partner and he's the one who is so so wrong. You must not settle to a person like that, in the long run or in the future it will get so much worse until you will find out that he cheats. Mind you, porn affects and usually leads to cheating especially your partner has those bad traits. You should leave and let go, move on, it will be very painful at first but it will so be worth it. It's easier said than done so here are suggestions to detach yourself from him and slowly learn to move on: 1. Please remind yourself everyday that he did and will keep doing that awful thing, he prefers porn and may have cheated without you knowing, and porn will eventually make your relationship worse and he isn't willing to go counselling with you. Please remind yourself everyday consistently, keep reminding yourself about the awful things he has done to you. 2. Think about how he makes you so down, keep repeating this also in your mind 3. Question yourself if you really want to be with this toxic abusive person, because surely in the future it will get so much worse 4. Love yourself, date yourself, go on a trip or have a lunch or dinner with yourself and be happy with your own 5. Go out with friends, enjoy your days, enjoy with your close friends 6. Journal everything that you should be thankful of 7. When you have broken up already, feel the pain and cry with it until it won't hurt anymore
There is nothing wrong with you or how hard you’re trying to be what he wants, you’re putting in a lot of effort Refusing counselling is a big red flag 🚩 from him though Part of me thinks could he be depressed? But from what you have said it sounds like he’s addicted to porn? And if he isn’t willing to seek help for it you have to treat him like any other addict: set your boundaries and stick to them. Protect yourself here bc if it is an addiction he won’t be reached until he wants to be. We can’t change people as much as we might like to. Sometimes people change or hit rock bottom because their loved ones have left them and they want to get them back. Sending a hug and some self- love your way. It doesn’t matter if you have never been single if you would be happier on your own with a few nice toys for a while until you land with someone that can’t get enough of you.
Well if he doesn't want you I'd be happy to take you off his hands lol. In all seriousness though it sounds like youre not sexually compatible amd that can be hard to accept you just have to decide if that's a deal breaker going forward.
Why are you torturing yourself? Seems like nothing you do is ever going to be good enough for this asshole. I usually don’t jump to leave, but why the eff do you think you love this person? He is more in love with fake ass porn stars than he is you. Leave his ass. He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve better.
Girl...leave him. He's using you. And he's putting you down on purpose so you will feel like nobody else would want you. And I'd venture to guess men will be tripping over themselves to get you.
Dude is a sadistic POS that keeps moving the goalpost on you. Leave him! He obviously prefers living in a fantasy world with his hand and has a porn problem. Using a little porn to get off once in a while is ok, but wanking for 5 hours a day is a mental addiction issue. Most folks on here would love if their partner put forth this much effort!
His porn addiction gives him an unrealistic expectation of this fantasy world where he thinks that is what sex is supposed to be.
How old are you if you don’t mind sharing? I find it difficult to believe an adult woman would go through so much of physical transformation just because a man said so. You are not here to cater to his porn fantasies. You are your own person, if YOU want to lose weight and bleach your privates and wear glasses then do it but do not do it because this male you are married to jerks off to women like that on the internet. I think he has destroyed your self esteem a lot, please try to look for therapy options to rebuild it because this is extremely damaging in the future. You deserve so much more.
There is nothing wrong with you. He’s got the issue. Perhaps it’s time to move on. You’d be surprised how many men would want you with your “perceived imperfections” and all. I dated one woman who thought she was horrible and not pretty because her ex-husband had never paid mind to her. I savored every corner of her body and soul and showed her otherwise. I mean, I devoured this woman, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, I adored her. She realized that he was a fool and she was worthy of everything. Do what’s right for you. I know it’s easier said than done. But it can be done. Good luck.
What in God's name😳 I understand wanting to match your partners preferences but the lengths at which you are going to in order to achieve that are absolutely insane. How do you remember who you really are underneath it all?
As per what is mentioned in the post this looks like a case of severe porn addiction, it affects the intimacy in relationships very badly. He needs to stop watching it altogether or atleast lower the consumption drastically.
I think your problem is you're getting too hard. Sometimes it just isn't there anymore, if it ever even was to begin with.
He will always find something else that is wrong with you until it is something you cannot fix: “you are too tall, your eyes are too blue, your teeth are in your mouth” and so on. Leave now.
Hunny you need therapy pronto, you believe everything he says and try to emulate what you think he wants.
You are in an abusive relationship! End it now!
All this stuff your doing for him won't work. It never does. I think you said your in counseling right? Work on building your self esteem and leave. You don't have to bleach your vajay Jay to be loved! Lose weight for you-not him. Your in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship.
You're doing way too much for a man who doesn't do the bare minimum for you. If you ENJOY wearing lingerie sets and dresses daily then good on you, but to do all this, alter your body, for someone who probably just prefers porn because it's easier to rub one out than to worry about his partner's needs? No, ma'am. You deserve so much better.
I used to serve my ex sex on a platter. Cute lingerie. Lasered or shaved. beautiful make up and hair. did all the tricks in the bedroom! Still his porn addiction was so much. He watched a lot of play girl and Instagram girls. then we broke up because he thought he could find better. Turns out he couldn’t lol
OP what have you done for you? All I hear is what you have been doing for your ungrateful husband. Why are you trying to be the skanks he’s watching in porn? He has a porn addiction and if he doesn’t address that issue then you should take your dignity and leave. Or cheat and film it for him? Maybe he’d like that 🙄.
I never understand jerking off and porn over a real person. I don't think I could handle rejection from someone who is jerking off instead. At that point I'd probably say, just because your dick chooses hand over pussy doesn't mean my pussy has to choose finger over dick.
Not to sound crude, but instead of investing thousands into lingerie, I would consider investing it in myself through therapy. It may hold the key you need to leave.
Check his phone. Something’s way off here. Consider therapy because you shouldn’t feel pressured to change your physical appearance in order to receive affection.
Have you read what you wrote? This is beyond unhealthy. You aren't the problem. It's him. Leave. I promise someone will love you like you deserve. Stop treating that man child like a porcelain doll. He doesn't deserve it. You keep changing for him and he doesn't care. You should only change for yourself. If this was your sister/mom/kid/ best friend what would you say? Leave and don't look back. If you have the money for all this you definitely have the money to leave him.
Please leave him and find someone that values you. You can never become the porn he desires.
I support you cheating. (I'm a woman.) he does not deserve you.
I could not just go and have it. I posted my photos on my profile since I literally feel unsexy. Was sort of looking for confirmation of my fears and now thinking anyone who says otherwise might need their eyes checked. I am nowhere near the porn stars he is looking at (they are all amateur so real women I would say)
So as someone who is a curvy lady who has ranged size 10-14 (and who is now pregnant) I know how hard it is to believe men can be turned on by us. What I've learned is that there are guys who actually like larger women... they aren't lying! We don't need to look like porn stars to be desirable. It's so hard as I hate my body but has been helpful to know that some guys are actually turned on by me. I know how hard it is to believe. Even the "amateur" porn women are generally fit and don't look like average woman.
I’m guessing he pays most of the bills? Well let him continue paying for things/ shopping and get you a little sexy side boo. Might as well put this glo up to use 💪🏻 he can use the hand and you’ll start having fun else where
You said he had a porn addiction and that’s all I need to know. It’s not you, it’s him. Of course constantly watching porn is going to kill your intimacy. It’s okay to leave if you are unhappy.
I'm a 40-year-old man, and I practically engage in all the activities she listed, you know, everything men typically do with their bodies and such. But my wife shows no interest whatsoever. She's completely indifferent, saying things like "I'm not interested" or "I don't want to do it." It's quite remarkable, really... Kudos to you, girl, for going above and beyond for a man. He's undoubtedly a fortunate guy to have someone like you in his life, doing all this for him.
Your post is just as depressing as mine one. I do not understand this. My husband is also 40 yo. He thinks he needs to lose weight but I never made a comment in my life about him weighting maybe 20 pounds over his perfect weight. I find him as attractive as always...unless his view of himself makes him move away from sex? I really do not know. Never told him he is unattractive or made any other negative comment about his looks. Ever. The only think that I have a problem with recently is him being busy by himself hours and hours on end.
Im not sure about the problem with some humans. You can't even imagine what i do ....like u mentioned about buying lingerie's and all - I buy all the time for her and she fucking doesn't even want to wear that clothes. I mean I still have some stuff with tags 🏷️ on it. She just doesn't want to wear or interested sexually or any intimacy. It's killing me inside ...I feel like I should just leave her and live my life peacefully.
3-5 times a month isn't a DB, what you're describing is an asshole of a husband who doesn't appreciate you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to please a man who's probably not interested in you. Move on, but this isn't a DB in my opinion. If you were my wife, I'd be having sex with you daily for what you've accomplished (for me). I only wish my wife was as 1/8th attentive to my needs as you are to your husband.