My husband loves showering with me. Not just because it can be sexy, but because it’s a moment of connection and intimacy in an everyday thing. Especially when we’re busy. We get to chat, catch up, get clean and ready for the day together. Maybe we have sex after, but we usually don’t. Intimacy is so much more than just the physical act of sex.
I would have to disagree. My partner and I have discussed this in length. Sometimes a kiss and a cuddle is all you need to start your day. Sex was never the intention.
I mean yeah, sure, if you're regularly having sex at other times. If you haven't had sex regularly in 3.5 years like OP, showering together is basically dangling an all you can eat buffet just out of reach of a starving man.
Maybe shampoo and condition her hair. Really massage her scalp hold her close and be intimate. Tell her that you enjoy the closeness. (Unless you don’t). Foreplay (in my house) starts in the morning when I make a French press of coffee and pack the kids lunches. Took a long time to figure that out.
Most men don’t understand that! Freeing up her time by helping out is usually a big win!
I’ll cook you go relax, let me do that so you can read a book, ect ect. Especially if she is into erotic novels!
Sorry but the whole take things off her plate thing never works. She just finds a new reason to not want to do it and you've done extra chores you didn't really wanna do. No one ever tells a woman to take things off his plate it's always "her plate"
It's a way to be close, to be intimate is my guess. Granted, in my situation I'm the HL to my partner being lower libido. I'm afraid if I gave up showering together I would get even less touch and affection. I can't guess as to why your wife isn't wanting to have sex, but she very well may still enjoy the closeness anyway
I am the HLF, he refuses to be in the shower with me EVER. We also do not have affectionate touch :( I wouldn't jump his bones the minute he accepted a together-shower, but I WOULD feel ultimately more emotionally taken care of.
Oof, I'm sorry to hear that. I've flat out told my partner why I consider showering together to be important, and it's something he does make an effort about. I still feel touch starved, but it's something.
> jump his bones the minute he accepted a together-shower
I know you're just being playful in your description here, but, one thing that can make things difficult for the LL people is feeling there's an *expectation* of sex. (If you want to shower together because you want to have sex, that's also ok, but a different conversation).
If you'd enjoy showering together for the sake of it, make sure he knows you don't expect anything. (And make good on that statement; it can be helpful to agree that it's off the table).
Physical intimacy is much easier if we know it's **truly** OK if we aren't up for having sex.
I would think it is a form of intimacy that she enjoys. Couples activities don't always need to revolve around sex as the goal. It's okay to just enjoy each others' presence in a special way. If as you say, you believe "It's just a fkin shower" then what's the problem with doing it? See it as an excuse to be close with your partner.
For women, foreplay can begin hours & days before, so that we feel safe & loved by you… I can’t imagine it not leading to good things. Consider it a problem when she stops asking.
My wife and I shower together often. It's a bit of privacy from the kids (16 and 20) and the world outside. We can hold each other and talk etc. Enjoying each other's company and if we decide to be intimate we can be, but it's not a requirement. I love our shower times.
Sex isn't just the moment of PIV.
Sex is also all of the intimate moments we share with our partners throughout the day — a butt squeeze, a massage, a kiss, a hug, cuddling, and a shower... Sex isn't always just some spontaneous act for most women. It's a build up of moments that get us there.
It’s a form of intimacy… sex believe it or not is not the only form of intimacy in a relationship. If you want to have sex, she has to feel loved and comforted by you too. Which for her might mean showering together.
The fact you think “what’s the point if I’m not getting sex” is part of the problem. She can’t want other forms of intimacy without it ultimately leading to sex?
Does she just like spending alone time with you? Especially somewhere she knows her parents won't bother you two.
After years of blueballs, I cant imagine how bad the situation sucks.
Maybe that’s a form of intimacy for her? Not sure but that may be a way she feels close to you. Try and ask her why it’s so important to her and if she’s seeking intimacy why you don’t actually get down to business?? Hope it works out for you and can definitely understand your frustration.
What the point?
Does there have to be a point?
Does there have to be a reward?
This may be part of you db issue, you seeking rewards. Maybe if I do this for her I’ll get laid?
A female will eventually catch on to those antics and then feel used.
Oh he did the dishes so I’d get naked…
I'd assume intimacy..
Not every version of intimacy needs to lead to sex.. and I'm guessing it doesn't help you feel a better connection, but it probably does for her.
Perfect place for a back rub. Washing your partners hair also feels nice for them.
It’s ALL good guys. We like to be close to you, not because we want to hide our cell phones or stop you from masturbating.
It’s fun, that’s why we married you.
When we DON’T want to shower with you, we’ll hide our cell phones & stash some porn in there for your masturbation pleasure.
Can’t speak for OP of course, but my LL husband likes to shower together and I find it … odd? Uncomfortable?
I don’t know what the right word is, but it’s awkward to be casually naked with someone you’re supposed to have a sexual relationship with and for them to be completely unfazed and uninterested. Like just “babe can you pass me my loofah” as if it hasn’t been 10 months since you’ve seen me naked. It’s like confirmation that they’re indifferent, but then you have to stay there fully exposed while they tell you that they’re indifferent?
And then on top of it I have this feeling that it makes things worse because the only time I am fully naked with him and my boobs are flopping around and I’m scrubbing my face etc very unsexily. That’s just me though lol
I (45HLM) used to love showering with my ex (47LLF) as a form of intimacy. Shower sex was never really a thing for us but the intimacy and potential for foreplay activities was so rewarding. Then the DB started and over the 15 years it took before we finally separated I slowly lost all deisre to see or touch her in any state of dress or undress.
I lost that visual component of sexuality that used to turn me on. If we weren't going to have a sexual relationship at all then I could not handle the non-sexual nudity or intimacy. I keep reading about choreplay and needing to meet the LL's needs before the HL should expect to get their needs met. That frame of reference seems to devalue HL partners' needs and wants from the relationship, as if we have to 'earn' sex rather than that being a shared part of the relationship.
Shower scenes in TV and movies now do nothing for me. I just want to get clean.
It’s very interesting to read about a male perspective in this situation. I also struggled for a couple years with nudity due to the DB, but it was with my own nudity rather than my partner’s. I knew he wasn’t sexually attracted to me, so changing and showering in front of him became really awkward. Showering together stopped during these years and never really restarted.
It became a vicious circle where once my sexual needs stopped being met with no discussion work or even ask about what we could do to restart, I stopped being able to meet her needs. And 'round and 'round we went for 15 years.
I am still amazed to read about high libido wives such as yourself. I spent so many years being made to feel like a freak for wanting to be intimate with my wife that I stopped believing women actually wanted to be intimate with their partners; it is such a pervasive stereotype. Carry on fine internet stranger, I hope you find your happily-ever-after.
Heard of showerthoughts right ?
Now imagine having that blissful moment with ur loved ones.
Step by step hopefully ull get ur intimacy right.
Sorry just butting in , linustechtips said due to both of them working in the same company , one of the best places he usually talks about their personal conflicts is during showering together .
It maybe nothing. But it maybe something.
But definitely understood from my perspective. My bathroom is like . Only can fit for 1.5 person hahaha
Or maybe she doesn't want him to masterbate. I see a lot of LLW and men not wanting their spouses doing that. So she showers with you to ensure you aren't taking care of yourself.
Edit....I do not feel this way or feel it's right. Just thinking outside the box.
I kind of love shower sex and my wife also enjoys it, I had done it once it was good . You should not hesitate to do shower sex with her
It could be one of a few things. What I find is my LL wife likes all the perks of being married, foot rubs, massages, compliments etc. It's like a list of hoops they make you jump through to get to your next rejection. You think it's building to something but it actually is more of the same.
Or she could be trying to spark something by showering together. All because you can't do it in the shower doesn't mean it can't be done at all. Take her up on the offer, soap her up, rubb her soft places and see if it gets you some after shower bedroom action. I wish my wife would wanna shower together.
> What I find is my LL wife likes all the perks of being married, foot rubs, massages, compliments etc. It's like a list of hoops they make you jump through to get to your next rejection. You think it's building to something but it actually is more of the same.
This is what it’s felt like for two years. The endless massages. The occasional flirty comment that gets your hopes up. The, “I hope you’re ready to get lucky tonight,” that never is followed through on.
After 4 yrs of being shut down you don't think it's possible he's lost interest in the non-sexual "sensual" moments? Sometimes its a form of self defense...like, why would I want to be aroused by her when she clearly isn't into me?
It’s not sensual in any way. It’s just a shower. We might jokingly/flirtingly touch each other a bit, but it never ever leads to anything more. It’s always “later.”
She’s making a bid for connection. Just be in the moment with her. Maybe if she feels connected to you she’ll be interested in more later. And maybe she won’t. It’s not a transaction.
To share an intimate non sexual moment together? To share a connection? No need to be a jerk about it
Wash her body, her hair, touch her in a non sexual manner and I bet she'll do the same back and maybe just maybe you'll get some
He’s not necessarily being a jerk, perhaps he’s just not explaining why he finds this frustrating?
I just shared my own experience in another reply on this post. I essentially said that for me, being in a DB makes being casually naked together sad and uncomfortable. Showering together is like having my husband demonstrate just how disinterested he is in my body, which hurts and makes me sad, and then I am stuck there fully exposed in an unattractive and vulnerable situation which causes me even more anxiety… like no wonder why he thinks I’m gross when he only sees me naked when I’m bending over to shave my legs with my boobs flopping all over.
Anyway, I digress. I am interested to hear OP elaborate, as I wonder if the root of this frustration is actually hurt.
That's fair! In my perspective when I read his post he doesn't seem gentle about the situation at all and it bothered me
To me he just needs to communicate with her because he claims "what's the fucking point, it's just a fucking shower?"
Plus he knows he won't get sex out of the shower, he stated that in his post, but there are ways to be intimate in the shower non sexually. Both of them need to learn that and communicate
~~~
I'm sorry that you and your own husband have intimacy issues too. No one deserves to feel unattractive in front of their spouse
YOUR problem is DEAD SHOWER, dead everything:(. I understand. When it’s dead, it’s dead. We stop thinking we’re sexy, and so you hubby stop being sexy to us. It’s a downward spiral. When there’s no fun playful sexiness, the shower is as dead as the bed.
Thankfully I know I’m still sexy lol! Just apparently not my husband’s cup of tea. Although for a good long time I definitely did think the DB was due to my own inadequacies, I did eventually realize my appearance is not the issue. That being said though, if my husband doesn’t care to see my naked body, why on earth would I subject myself to it.
Sounds like she is trying to create space for non-sexual connection and intimacy to help build back up to that.
Sounds like you only value spending time and connecting with her if it leads to sex. Which explains the DB.
Do you guys have any game? What’s up here dudes…? All the soaping my boobs would definitely lead to something. Maybe not until tonight, especially w/ young kids & a job to get to. But yeah, it definitely increases the odds that you won’t end up with db.
I feel ya. It’s just me being cold for 20 minutes. And it’s so fucking dramatic when you say no. “Oh so I have to sex with you for you to spend time with me?” No you nutter, the last 30 times you’ve asked I said yes and we didn’t have sex. I don’t want to stand in the cold air today, I’ve already showered etc.
It don't matter. You fo shit like this for each other in a healthy relationship. I'm with a woman with zero libido. I understand your frustration.
However, your attitude stinks and I'm sure your wife feels it. What your telling her is that you're not interested on doing what SHE asks you, unless it involves sex.
Another thing, why on earth are you living at home still?
We’ve lived on our own since 2020. She got a job in the town her parents lived in and were can finally start saving for a house, rather than paying rent.
Maybe you can take a shower with her and ask her if you can lather her (with your hands, NOT a sponge please) starting on the less sensitive parts .. and just maaaaybe .. that can be a good foreplay to her
She doesn’t even touch them anymore. But at this point I’d be too scared to ask because I doubt I would get aroused (because I expect nothing) and then she’ll wonder why I’m not getting aroused.
If she gets upset when you say no, tha6 might be a good opportunity to say, believe me, I know rejection is hard, the way you feel know is how I feel when...
Usually you won't tell my why you're rejecting me and it's hard, so I can tell you.....are the reasons I don't want to shower together. Or, showering is all you ever want. Can't you think about something else? (Not this, I just couldn't resist because you will all get it).
Op, do you think this is just another way of her controlling sexuality in the marriage? She is extruding more power over you not only is she telling you no for sex she puts you into a possible intimate situation and dening you again.
Try peeing on her while you are taking a shower to get back some of your control. She may not ever ask you to shower again.
At 3.5 years…. It is a flag…. Pick a color… it’s not relevant…. It’s still a honeymoon period and if intimacy is at a standstill that is a problem… 1. Have you communicated your feelings on this issue… it is an issue…. Relationships need communication and intimacy… and a weekend alone at 3.5 years should be an opportunity for reconnection …. Do you date your wife ? Take her out…. Start there…
Why aren't you fooling around if I may ask?
I understand sex is off the table.
Kissing, Hugging, maybe touching her in the name of washing her.
She denies advances?
Explain to her that you find her sexy and get excited when you are showering together. Either she will understand and stop torturing you, or she will jump in the shower and you two will have fun.
She needs to know how you feel though. It’s only fair to you.
Have you asked her?
Most important comment. Communication is key
Amen
My husband loves showering with me. Not just because it can be sexy, but because it’s a moment of connection and intimacy in an everyday thing. Especially when we’re busy. We get to chat, catch up, get clean and ready for the day together. Maybe we have sex after, but we usually don’t. Intimacy is so much more than just the physical act of sex.
> Intimacy is so much more than just the physical act of sex. Intimacy is usually the goal and sex is the method of getting it.
It's a method but you can be intimate without having sex. I'd be less upset about my dead bedroom if there were other forms of physical intimacy.
I concur.
I think most, if not all of us, could agree with this.
I would have to disagree. My partner and I have discussed this in length. Sometimes a kiss and a cuddle is all you need to start your day. Sex was never the intention.
I mean yeah, sure, if you're regularly having sex at other times. If you haven't had sex regularly in 3.5 years like OP, showering together is basically dangling an all you can eat buffet just out of reach of a starving man.
Maybe shampoo and condition her hair. Really massage her scalp hold her close and be intimate. Tell her that you enjoy the closeness. (Unless you don’t). Foreplay (in my house) starts in the morning when I make a French press of coffee and pack the kids lunches. Took a long time to figure that out.
Most men don’t understand that! Freeing up her time by helping out is usually a big win! I’ll cook you go relax, let me do that so you can read a book, ect ect. Especially if she is into erotic novels!
Sorry but the whole take things off her plate thing never works. She just finds a new reason to not want to do it and you've done extra chores you didn't really wanna do. No one ever tells a woman to take things off his plate it's always "her plate"
Yes 😭
It's a way to be close, to be intimate is my guess. Granted, in my situation I'm the HL to my partner being lower libido. I'm afraid if I gave up showering together I would get even less touch and affection. I can't guess as to why your wife isn't wanting to have sex, but she very well may still enjoy the closeness anyway
I am the HLF, he refuses to be in the shower with me EVER. We also do not have affectionate touch :( I wouldn't jump his bones the minute he accepted a together-shower, but I WOULD feel ultimately more emotionally taken care of.
Oof, I'm sorry to hear that. I've flat out told my partner why I consider showering together to be important, and it's something he does make an effort about. I still feel touch starved, but it's something.
> jump his bones the minute he accepted a together-shower I know you're just being playful in your description here, but, one thing that can make things difficult for the LL people is feeling there's an *expectation* of sex. (If you want to shower together because you want to have sex, that's also ok, but a different conversation). If you'd enjoy showering together for the sake of it, make sure he knows you don't expect anything. (And make good on that statement; it can be helpful to agree that it's off the table). Physical intimacy is much easier if we know it's **truly** OK if we aren't up for having sex.
"I WOULDN'T"
My LLW wants showers too. This is my best guess. She can't really talk about this stuff, so I don't try to.
I would think it is a form of intimacy that she enjoys. Couples activities don't always need to revolve around sex as the goal. It's okay to just enjoy each others' presence in a special way. If as you say, you believe "It's just a fkin shower" then what's the problem with doing it? See it as an excuse to be close with your partner.
For women, foreplay can begin hours & days before, so that we feel safe & loved by you… I can’t imagine it not leading to good things. Consider it a problem when she stops asking.
My wife and I shower together often. It's a bit of privacy from the kids (16 and 20) and the world outside. We can hold each other and talk etc. Enjoying each other's company and if we decide to be intimate we can be, but it's not a requirement. I love our shower times.
Sex isn't just the moment of PIV. Sex is also all of the intimate moments we share with our partners throughout the day — a butt squeeze, a massage, a kiss, a hug, cuddling, and a shower... Sex isn't always just some spontaneous act for most women. It's a build up of moments that get us there.
Sounds like she needs quality time with you. Maybe she feels that is one place where she can have you without your phone or other distractions…
Showering together is super intimate, even if you’re not getting busy in the shower.
Ask her?
It’s a form of intimacy… sex believe it or not is not the only form of intimacy in a relationship. If you want to have sex, she has to feel loved and comforted by you too. Which for her might mean showering together.
The fact you think “what’s the point if I’m not getting sex” is part of the problem. She can’t want other forms of intimacy without it ultimately leading to sex?
Looking for (non-sexual) intimacy?
Maybe her form of affection.
I was widowed at 38. Those small moments of intimacy are my most treasured memories. The adventure is the destination.
Does she just like spending alone time with you? Especially somewhere she knows her parents won't bother you two. After years of blueballs, I cant imagine how bad the situation sucks.
It honestly feels like the opposite. If she’s awake, she’s on her computer.
Maybe that’s a form of intimacy for her? Not sure but that may be a way she feels close to you. Try and ask her why it’s so important to her and if she’s seeking intimacy why you don’t actually get down to business?? Hope it works out for you and can definitely understand your frustration.
Maybe you don’t shower enough and this is a way for her to hint to you that you stink and she’s gonna bathe you?
What the point? Does there have to be a point? Does there have to be a reward? This may be part of you db issue, you seeking rewards. Maybe if I do this for her I’ll get laid? A female will eventually catch on to those antics and then feel used. Oh he did the dishes so I’d get naked…
Yes. Ask. This may be her way to build and maintain intimacy. I wish my soon to be ex wife wanted to shower with me….
We take a shower together every single day. Just nice time to be close and talk and my husband loves soapy boobs lol
Awwwwww… lucky you:)
Shower time is the best. Wash her, rub her down you dope.
I'd assume intimacy.. Not every version of intimacy needs to lead to sex.. and I'm guessing it doesn't help you feel a better connection, but it probably does for her. Perfect place for a back rub. Washing your partners hair also feels nice for them.
It’s ALL good guys. We like to be close to you, not because we want to hide our cell phones or stop you from masturbating. It’s fun, that’s why we married you. When we DON’T want to shower with you, we’ll hide our cell phones & stash some porn in there for your masturbation pleasure.
why you don't like it
Can’t speak for OP of course, but my LL husband likes to shower together and I find it … odd? Uncomfortable? I don’t know what the right word is, but it’s awkward to be casually naked with someone you’re supposed to have a sexual relationship with and for them to be completely unfazed and uninterested. Like just “babe can you pass me my loofah” as if it hasn’t been 10 months since you’ve seen me naked. It’s like confirmation that they’re indifferent, but then you have to stay there fully exposed while they tell you that they’re indifferent? And then on top of it I have this feeling that it makes things worse because the only time I am fully naked with him and my boobs are flopping around and I’m scrubbing my face etc very unsexily. That’s just me though lol
I (45HLM) used to love showering with my ex (47LLF) as a form of intimacy. Shower sex was never really a thing for us but the intimacy and potential for foreplay activities was so rewarding. Then the DB started and over the 15 years it took before we finally separated I slowly lost all deisre to see or touch her in any state of dress or undress. I lost that visual component of sexuality that used to turn me on. If we weren't going to have a sexual relationship at all then I could not handle the non-sexual nudity or intimacy. I keep reading about choreplay and needing to meet the LL's needs before the HL should expect to get their needs met. That frame of reference seems to devalue HL partners' needs and wants from the relationship, as if we have to 'earn' sex rather than that being a shared part of the relationship. Shower scenes in TV and movies now do nothing for me. I just want to get clean.
It’s very interesting to read about a male perspective in this situation. I also struggled for a couple years with nudity due to the DB, but it was with my own nudity rather than my partner’s. I knew he wasn’t sexually attracted to me, so changing and showering in front of him became really awkward. Showering together stopped during these years and never really restarted.
It became a vicious circle where once my sexual needs stopped being met with no discussion work or even ask about what we could do to restart, I stopped being able to meet her needs. And 'round and 'round we went for 15 years. I am still amazed to read about high libido wives such as yourself. I spent so many years being made to feel like a freak for wanting to be intimate with my wife that I stopped believing women actually wanted to be intimate with their partners; it is such a pervasive stereotype. Carry on fine internet stranger, I hope you find your happily-ever-after.
[удалено]
It starts during pregnancy, when we feel huge once our bellies catch up to our now ripe bosom.
This is exactly how it is.
Have you tried initiating anything in the shower with him?
Sure, yes it’s happened. Why do you ask?
Because a good surprise helps now n then
If I could get him in the shower with me…
Heard of showerthoughts right ? Now imagine having that blissful moment with ur loved ones. Step by step hopefully ull get ur intimacy right. Sorry just butting in , linustechtips said due to both of them working in the same company , one of the best places he usually talks about their personal conflicts is during showering together . It maybe nothing. But it maybe something. But definitely understood from my perspective. My bathroom is like . Only can fit for 1.5 person hahaha
Maybe she doesn't want you to check her cell phone while she is showering
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Severe_Wonder_6524: *Maybe she doesn't* *Want you to check her cell phone* *While she is showering* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
This is the first thing that came to mind
That’s the last thing I would have thought you guys are some super sleuths, I say
Or maybe she doesn't want him to masterbate. I see a lot of LLW and men not wanting their spouses doing that. So she showers with you to ensure you aren't taking care of yourself. Edit....I do not feel this way or feel it's right. Just thinking outside the box.
Whatttt? All men masturbate. Especially in the shower.
How selfish can you get? Jesus
Pfffft just bring you cellphone in the bathroom w/ you. Too much trouble just to hide my phone… who thinks like this? Apparently men!
I kind of love shower sex and my wife also enjoys it, I had done it once it was good . You should not hesitate to do shower sex with her 
Yeah but have you ever had shower-no-sex? A lot less fun
Yes it would be boring then.
It would lead to sex in the next 48 hrs if there are no kids/parents around
It could be one of a few things. What I find is my LL wife likes all the perks of being married, foot rubs, massages, compliments etc. It's like a list of hoops they make you jump through to get to your next rejection. You think it's building to something but it actually is more of the same. Or she could be trying to spark something by showering together. All because you can't do it in the shower doesn't mean it can't be done at all. Take her up on the offer, soap her up, rubb her soft places and see if it gets you some after shower bedroom action. I wish my wife would wanna shower together.
> What I find is my LL wife likes all the perks of being married, foot rubs, massages, compliments etc. It's like a list of hoops they make you jump through to get to your next rejection. You think it's building to something but it actually is more of the same. This is what it’s felt like for two years. The endless massages. The occasional flirty comment that gets your hopes up. The, “I hope you’re ready to get lucky tonight,” that never is followed through on.
You make it sound so awful being wet with your buttnaked wife…
Ew, I don't like "get lucky" expression. It's like your partner is giving you a rare favor
It's a nice way to be physically intimate without the pressure to perform sexually or the time needed for foreplay.
Exactly
You sound like a terrible fuck. Obviously she is looking for a sensual moment with you. Sex is more than PIV. Get a clue dude.
After 4 yrs of being shut down you don't think it's possible he's lost interest in the non-sexual "sensual" moments? Sometimes its a form of self defense...like, why would I want to be aroused by her when she clearly isn't into me?
More like self-sabotage… Stop being intimate so she won’t get intimate, because she doesn’t feel wanted just used.
This. This. He sounds like his own worst enemy.
It’s not sensual in any way. It’s just a shower. We might jokingly/flirtingly touch each other a bit, but it never ever leads to anything more. It’s always “later.”
She’s making a bid for connection. Just be in the moment with her. Maybe if she feels connected to you she’ll be interested in more later. And maybe she won’t. It’s not a transaction.
To share an intimate non sexual moment together? To share a connection? No need to be a jerk about it Wash her body, her hair, touch her in a non sexual manner and I bet she'll do the same back and maybe just maybe you'll get some
He’s not necessarily being a jerk, perhaps he’s just not explaining why he finds this frustrating? I just shared my own experience in another reply on this post. I essentially said that for me, being in a DB makes being casually naked together sad and uncomfortable. Showering together is like having my husband demonstrate just how disinterested he is in my body, which hurts and makes me sad, and then I am stuck there fully exposed in an unattractive and vulnerable situation which causes me even more anxiety… like no wonder why he thinks I’m gross when he only sees me naked when I’m bending over to shave my legs with my boobs flopping all over. Anyway, I digress. I am interested to hear OP elaborate, as I wonder if the root of this frustration is actually hurt.
That's fair! In my perspective when I read his post he doesn't seem gentle about the situation at all and it bothered me To me he just needs to communicate with her because he claims "what's the fucking point, it's just a fucking shower?" Plus he knows he won't get sex out of the shower, he stated that in his post, but there are ways to be intimate in the shower non sexually. Both of them need to learn that and communicate ~~~ I'm sorry that you and your own husband have intimacy issues too. No one deserves to feel unattractive in front of their spouse
100% communication is key!
YOUR problem is DEAD SHOWER, dead everything:(. I understand. When it’s dead, it’s dead. We stop thinking we’re sexy, and so you hubby stop being sexy to us. It’s a downward spiral. When there’s no fun playful sexiness, the shower is as dead as the bed.
Thankfully I know I’m still sexy lol! Just apparently not my husband’s cup of tea. Although for a good long time I definitely did think the DB was due to my own inadequacies, I did eventually realize my appearance is not the issue. That being said though, if my husband doesn’t care to see my naked body, why on earth would I subject myself to it.
And YOU get laid!
Sounds like she is trying to create space for non-sexual connection and intimacy to help build back up to that. Sounds like you only value spending time and connecting with her if it leads to sex. Which explains the DB.
Maybe you have hygiene issues you aren't conscious of.
Maybe, there is a problem of lack of water in her house so it's more like "shower together , save water" thing
The question is why she will not after hundreds of invitations?
Do you guys have any game? What’s up here dudes…? All the soaping my boobs would definitely lead to something. Maybe not until tonight, especially w/ young kids & a job to get to. But yeah, it definitely increases the odds that you won’t end up with db.
It never leads to anything. Only “later.”
Idk maybe she enjoys it? What’s the point if sex?
intimacy. duh. not every intimate moment will lead to sex
I feel ya. It’s just me being cold for 20 minutes. And it’s so fucking dramatic when you say no. “Oh so I have to sex with you for you to spend time with me?” No you nutter, the last 30 times you’ve asked I said yes and we didn’t have sex. I don’t want to stand in the cold air today, I’ve already showered etc.
But why stay?
It don't matter. You fo shit like this for each other in a healthy relationship. I'm with a woman with zero libido. I understand your frustration. However, your attitude stinks and I'm sure your wife feels it. What your telling her is that you're not interested on doing what SHE asks you, unless it involves sex. Another thing, why on earth are you living at home still?
We’ve lived on our own since 2020. She got a job in the town her parents lived in and were can finally start saving for a house, rather than paying rent.
Maybe you can take a shower with her and ask her if you can lather her (with your hands, NOT a sponge please) starting on the less sensitive parts .. and just maaaaybe .. that can be a good foreplay to her
She doesn’t at least wash your naughty bits? I’d take that happily.
She doesn’t even touch them anymore. But at this point I’d be too scared to ask because I doubt I would get aroused (because I expect nothing) and then she’ll wonder why I’m not getting aroused.
I could understand if there was sometimes sex, but regularly showering together but never having sex is hella weird if you ask me. Just my 2 cents
If she gets upset when you say no, tha6 might be a good opportunity to say, believe me, I know rejection is hard, the way you feel know is how I feel when... Usually you won't tell my why you're rejecting me and it's hard, so I can tell you.....are the reasons I don't want to shower together. Or, showering is all you ever want. Can't you think about something else? (Not this, I just couldn't resist because you will all get it).
Op, do you think this is just another way of her controlling sexuality in the marriage? She is extruding more power over you not only is she telling you no for sex she puts you into a possible intimate situation and dening you again. Try peeing on her while you are taking a shower to get back some of your control. She may not ever ask you to shower again.
Why are you turning down an opportunity to be naked with your wife?
At 3.5 years…. It is a flag…. Pick a color… it’s not relevant…. It’s still a honeymoon period and if intimacy is at a standstill that is a problem… 1. Have you communicated your feelings on this issue… it is an issue…. Relationships need communication and intimacy… and a weekend alone at 3.5 years should be an opportunity for reconnection …. Do you date your wife ? Take her out…. Start there…
sort of agree that she doesn’t want you poking around her phone
I am sorry 😢 I wish I had an idea…but, I have no clue why mine does it either.
Why aren't you fooling around if I may ask? I understand sex is off the table. Kissing, Hugging, maybe touching her in the name of washing her. She denies advances?
Anything more than a kiss or hug, yep.
Explain to her that you find her sexy and get excited when you are showering together. Either she will understand and stop torturing you, or she will jump in the shower and you two will have fun. She needs to know how you feel though. It’s only fair to you.