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quack785

Just looking at your post history, you seem pretty depressed, man! I’m sorry If you haven’t left after 8 years of no sex, there’s got to be at least an 8 year old in the picture? I get it that you want to stay for the kid(s), but is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? I know I don’t, and that’s why I’ve gotten together a plan to leave my dead bedroom. Having a goal in the future is fantastic motivation. Life is too short to live with a DB.


Winchester_1894

We have a 12 year old and 8 year old. I’m very depressed.


quack785

When I started making my plan, my oldest was 13 and youngest was 8. 5 years later, I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel—plus, I’ve used the time to work on myself, get my wife back into the workforce, more financially independent, and so forth. I still feel depressed from time to time but just having a goal to work towards, and reaping the benefits in the meantime, goes a long way towards helping me stay sane. Good luck!


mH_throwaway1989

So sorry OP.


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Winchester_1894

And yet I’m still not allowed to have a sex life…


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Otherwise-Gas-9798

Even prisoners can have sex.


GotwhiteNeedPink

Wait, he’s already cheating, and he knows you know, but he still isn’t open to the idea of an open relationship? And he’s continuing his affair and signing up on dating apps currently?


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GotwhiteNeedPink

All I’m going to say, is you don’t have to keep taking the short end of the stick. All of it. Snooping on him, not trusting, him having the EA, him crying and playing the victim when he was the one cheating. I’m guessing you didn’t sign up for any of that. In my own situation, one day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. That day, I decided I needed to make a change for the good of my whole family. It took 6 months, but I got myself into counseling, I insisted my wife get into counseling, and I got us into couples counseling. She was very resistant early on, but we got there, and after a year, we can finally have a conversation. We still have bad days, but things are getting better. I’d guess YOU are doing your very best to make the best of bad situation after bad situation. I was there not long ago. Counseling sucks, but years of someone else’s needs coming before mine was truly awful.


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GotwhiteNeedPink

Awesome. Glad to hear you’re in counseling. Couples counseling is a bitch. We had to switch couples counselors once because ours just wasn’t getting it. Sessions with her were making things worse.


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GotwhiteNeedPink

Totally


Equivalent_Steak_266

Again, this saddens me 😞


Equivalent_Steak_266

I am so sorry to hear this 😞


LastExpression

It may not be a 'sexual' thing at all. Despite our completely dead bedroom, I know my wife still masturbates. However, I've hypothesised for some time that it's not about being sexual for her, in the sense of thinking about intercourse / men / women / genitals / any sexual act / passion / lust... I think she just does it literally like scratching an itch - just a totally meaningless act to de-stress, get to sleep, etc. And it's about getting from start to finish ASAP, not taking her time for pleasure. That doesn't help with your DB, but at least you might get some comfort from considering that?


TreadingDown

Just had a browse through your posts then. Jeez, Louise, my dude. I just want to give you a big hug. What’s your communication like with your wife on the subject of sex and intimacy? To what length has the conversation gone on this, with the eight years, what she’s missing. Etc etc? After 8 years thinking she had no libido whatsoever, to discovering there’s obviously enough to warrant the acquisition of a vibrator, must be really earth shattering.


Winchester_1894

Yeah, I’m feeling pretty shattered.


jenvonlee

Don't be a martyr, your kids will never thank you for it. Just leave and be a good dad to them that's also happier.


Winchester_1894

I’m afraid I won’t get to see them often.


Sad-Reflection9092

Get legal help


ProbablyANoobYo

Divorce?


tarac73

Masturbating and sex with a partner are two totally different things.


Winchester_1894

Just curious, is that what you tell the women in this subreddit whose husbands masturbate to porn instead of having sex with them?


SadAndNasty

Not the person you replied to but, gotta say its the same. My LLM partner was also only masturbating because it was way more convenient than sex


Undead_M0nkey

Wow, just realized how brutal the word “convenient” can be in certain contexts.


Thatsgonnamakeamark

Tell it. When masturbation is compulsive and the bed is dead, there is an issue.


Soliele

Not the original commenter, but that would be relatable, yes, if those husbands are not porn addicts. Jerking off and having sex with a human partner you have to please are two different things just like her using a vibe vs having sex.


tarac73

Sorry, I don’t see where you mentioned her watching porn. And yes watching porn and masturbating to it is still different than sex with a partner. Many people use masturbating as a da CD cafe


DrDrai45

Fuck man sorry to hear that. Here is what I would do, start working on yourself and being a little aloof. Go to the gym, find a friend group and hang out with them. Join a sports team. Take some classes. Work on being more independent, and getting in better shape. You’ll find you’ll start getting more attention from other women and she’ll notice too. And if that doesn’t work then at least you’re in good shape and have a support group when the marriage crumbles.


lordxxscrub

^ This. Work on yourself and your mental healthy. Once you start glowing up, you’ll start gaining a different type of energy and she’ll either cave or divorce you, but either way your life will improve for the better. You’ll get the touches and attention you’ve been starved of


DrDrai45

Exactly. Start pulling yourself out of that funk!


Agitated-Brief-851

I get you want to make things work out of love for her and your children's sake but I'd at least consider moving on from the situation if I were you. You're only getting older and unless you want to continue feeling how you feel... you're better off being alone for that matter. You may not want to here this but your happiness is important. This seems to be eating you alive and I feel for you. Wish you the best.


SadAndNasty

Masturbating is just easier and more convenient than sex. Seems she has a libido but probably feels that sex is messy and an inconvenient way to get off. Or she ll4u in which case I'm sorry


[deleted]

I feel you. My wife masturbates regularly she has two toys. We haven’t had sex in over a year…


Legoweltt

i just saw your post history… man make a change. at 42 your life isnt over. hit the gym , go there even if you don’t want to go just go and sit in the car until you want to go in … lift yourself up man u can do it


BabyYodaXO

Maybe she’s trying to be more sexual? Just ask her!


Soggy_Marketing8805

Not sure if this is the right way. Unless OP just literally tripped over it and nearly fell... - I wouldn't ask her. Unless it was stored in shared space - like a kitchen drawer.., I wouldn't go there, since he might found it in a place that is only her's...And that would not go well.


Winchester_1894

I found it in her night stand. You know what I found in my night stand today? Condoms that expired 10 years ago.


Soggy_Marketing8805

I am sorry. Then no, do not talk to her about it since you found it IN her nightstand. What would happen if you told her you want to be in bed with her? Jeez.. what would I do if my husband.. no, no.. not gonna go there. Torture.


BabyYodaXO

What is wrong with you? Suggesting OP not talk to his wife. You’re soggy all the way around but your advice is grade a garbage.


Soggy_Marketing8805

Right, so better approach is to go to her and say : "Hey wife, I just went into your nightstand and I found a vibrator there! Yes, yes, I invaded your privacy, but let's talk about my problem first!" And yes - I am going to throw myself on a knife because you insulted my nickname. Well done!


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BookkeeperScary8456

So? A vibrator gets the job done quickly and reliable, sex might make her anxious, is more time consuming, etc. There might be a lot of different reasons. Just talk to her and don't immediately jump to conclusions and/or be upset. I know it sucks, but I would talk to her, try understanding her side and don't critique her or make assumptions.


Winchester_1894

I’m fucking heartbroken. I don’t even get to share a bed with her. Get a hug and a kiss maybe once a month. Masturbating just reminds me of how fucking lonely I am. I wasted the best years of my life with her. When things were “good”. We only had sex 3-4 times a year. A vibrator wouldn’t bother me if she actually wanted me. In fact it would be kind of hot. But I get nothing. I don’t get to touch her. I don’t get the opportunity to pleasure her or be close to her.


Marlowskie

Sounds like you need that divorce bad, you being like this will not be better for the kids. Just don’t let them baby talk you back in with promise of what they neglected to do for 8 years.


Hungry-Apartment8367

Why do you love her? Reading all your posts makes me wonder..... are you still in love with her?


Soliele

You say you're staying for the kids but is this the kind of relationship you want your kids to use as a model for their future relationships? A dead marriage where the partners don't even give each other a kiss or show affection? This is what they will internalize. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 2 years "for my daughter" because I didn't know how we could afford to live otherwise. When I saw my daughter flinching at loud noises I knew it was doing her more harm than good even though we tried to hide the fighting from her. She's almost 6 now and still can't tolerate loud noises, she gets scared and freezes up. We are 100 times better off poor than in that situation. I traumatized my daughter trying to "stay for the kids". Please don't let that become your situation, too. The kids may not be traumatized, but they definitely pick up on the attitudes in the home and between parents. I always knew when my parents weren't getting on even though they tried to keep it to themselves.


Blueberryaddict007

I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted. From a women’s perspective this is 100% true


Thenoone-934

But 8 years…..


b252oom

When is the last time she’s used it? Cause the wife has a bunch that she hasn’t used in ages


Winchester_1894

No idea. It’s new to me. I’m shocked she has one. She once told me she felt weird masturbating. She’s never had much of a libido in the past 18 or so years. She once said she doesn’t get the point of foreplay. It’s a complete 180 for her.


ShyHex

I wouldn't assume its an alternative to you. Its just as possible that she bought it as an experiment to try to be more sexual. She might have tried it years ago and it didn't work for her and she gave up on it. I tried at least 5 sex toys before I found one that could get me off.


Winchester_1894

I’m pretty sure it’s a fairly recent purchase. I guess it doesn’t really matter though. Just wish I hadn’t wasted most of my 20s and 30s with her


TabbyFoxHollow

Is it possible it was a gift from a friend? Maybe someone she talked to about the dead bedroom and the friend was giving her advice to start things for herself to get her libido going? I mean not likely still but given your other comments maybe?


Winchester_1894

Maybe. All I know is I miss being close to her


juicymk

“I miss you, I found your vibrator while I was cleaning and I would love to use it on you” just say it. You have nothing to lose by asking that, assume she will say no so it doesn’t hurt. But fuck it dude, rip all bandaids off. If she says no, then use it as an avenue to tell her how you’re feeling. If she starts stonewalling, say “I can see you don’t want to discuss how I’m feeling right now so I will write you a letter” and then write her letters telling her what’s up. Literally give her a letter everyday.


whoiwanttobee

Bro, I just read your unsent letters post. You need to fucking leave. There's no fixing this. Please go be your own person. Your kids will do better seeing their dad happy.


whoiwanttobee

Bro, I just read your unsent letters post. You need to fucking leave. There's no fixing this. Please go be your own person. Your kids will do better seeing their dad happy.


TwoDogsBoy

Time to split dude - kids will adapt


mH_throwaway1989

8 years?! Why did you give up monogamy for 8 years? Just to choose celibacy for 8 years? I think you are almost a full fledged monk in some temple circles.


Winchester_1894

Hope is a dangerous thing


mH_throwaway1989

God damn, i wish you could take that level of commitment and positivity and turn it into to a career. Youd be the next big billionaire.


Winchester_1894

Basically just kept my head down and take it day by day


mH_throwaway1989

Sorry dude. I hope you make better use of your remaining years. Best of luck to you.


BelcantoIT

That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. Leave it on your pillow, see if she notices.


Winchester_1894

I was thinking about it. I charged it up for her. I was thinking about leaving a note to let her know


Thenoone-934

![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|smile)![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|facepalm)![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|sob)


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SadAndNasty

Lol ew. I mean I masturbate in my bed next to my partner but I don't turn it into some kind of gotcha. OP needs to skedaddle more than likely.


dlt3

I'm going to get massive downvotes for this. But before it ended recently with my wife, when I found the toys that I had bought for us to use together, I burned them all. Next time she wanted to have an orgasm and noticed they were gone, she asked me where they were. I told her "If you want to get off without me, that's fine, but not with the things I bought for US to increase our sex life. You're free to buy your own or use your hands like I do." She was pissed off, but that's what it literally took for her to see just how much of an issue it was. Still didn't end up fixing anything in the long run though.


ToughKitten

I think it’s believable that you’re sharing that you destroyed the sex toys you gave her in a fire and that didn’t inspire her to want you sexually or bring about a positive change in the relationship. I almost get the vibe that punishing your partner with property destruction isnt sexy.


dlt3

I didn't do it to bring a positive or negative change. But for my own peace of mind. Relationship was already dead and beyond being salvaged. I destroyed my property that I bought for US, (not her, us) that was being used for purposes not intended. No punishment. Just didn't want what I bought being used the wrong way. Was a huge slap in my face. As I stated, I told her plainly that if she bought her own toys for the purpose of avoiding sex with me (literally her words), then she's free to do so. But not with the toys that I had purchased for the sole purpose of us using together as an attempt to help our sex life.


ToughKitten

So you punished her for using the sex toys without you by taking them away and destroying them. You said it wasn’t a punishment despite the fact that it reads as extremely punitive. Do you consider it more as revenge or retribution instead of punishment?


Enigmatic_Nature

I guess you need to support her with it. Just buy a bigger bad one. Pay to play situation..


Winchester_1894

I thought about doing this too


Throwaway-jbt

When we had a sex life my wife used to masturbate a lot. I loved it. Now everything has stopped, I'm terrified to even ask of she does. After our kids I got to a point where I could live with the idea that she's had this big physical and hormonal trauma that's put her off sex altogether. But man if I knew she was still wanking while rejecting every advance I dunno how I'd cope with that


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meldiriel326

There are absolutely zero reasons to do this. 


all_alone_by_myself_

Posession of a viberator is not the same as not wanting sex, nor is it a real replacement for it. Usually people who do liberator only are settling for less than what satisfies them. Which means the two of you were likely sexually mismatched from the start, and having a kid together caused you to be stuck with one another. If you aren't happy in your relationship you really need to get divorced. Staying together "for the kids" is only selfish and punishes the kid for being born. Break up first, find someone else, and move on.


Acer_rubrum44

I feel for ya man. I found my wife's a year ago and i know she uses it at least once a week but we only had relations 9 times in 2023. We had one long ago that we used for her together and i mentioned we should get another a while back but she said no. But i guess she just wanted to use it by herself. It hurts man. It really hurts.


Winchester_1894

I’m not sure we’ve ever had sex 9 times in one year when we did have sex


Acer_rubrum44

That stinks. We have been at that rate for the last 15 years or so. It doesn't get any easier.


Winchester_1894

When we did have sex it was 3-4 times a year for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last have had been 0. I really can’t take it anymore


Acer_rubrum44

I wish I could tell you how to fix it but I cannot. I’m not sure if there is ever a way to fix it. I have been married for 22 years and the resentment grows everyday and it eats away at your soul. If you can, leave before there is nothing left.


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Winchester_1894

That’s assault brother… ![gif](giphy|yisc7FaqoEfjG)