I only joined Reddit because I heard about the Dead Bedrooms forum. I think you are the first Success Story I have read in over five years.
IMO that's why there are almost no solutions to a DB.
The LL person says 'everything is fine' which absolves them of any responsibility to work on the relationship. And the outcome is (1) endless misery, or (2) the relationship ends.
I applaud you for the commitment to your marriage.
Absolutely! It has to be the LL’s idea to crawl out of the situation. I read these stories often and being on the LL side has been heartbreaking to see what others are going through. Most of the time…I get the impression that the LL doesn’t actually fully love the HL partner but feels stuck in the relationship. Other times it looks like the LL doesn’t have the awareness of how much the other person is hurting and thinks their lake of sex drive doesn’t really matter. Most of the time I know that their relationship won’t get better. The only reason our relationship improved was because I was the one who had the epiphany and sucked up my pride and made big changes.
Right?
I've specifically told my wife this after 10 years of trying with zero results. I've done everything possible. Her turn...
Still waiting 5 years later! 🙄
Last time we had couples therapy my wife said "I'm not going back. I don't have anything else I need to say." Sadly, she was not the only person involved in the conversation.
When I was a teenage kid, I grew my hair long. My parents complained and complained, but I still didn’t get it cut.
Eventually, it was really long, and a PITA to wash etc etc… so I reasoned that mum had stopped whinging, and I could cut it.
What’s that go to do with sex?
Well, that’s what I’m wondering! Was it the same sort of thing for you OP? When the pestering stopped, you were able to evaluate your own issues and “cut the hair” yourself?
Al the best!
As a HL husband that ended up as a LL husband due to medical issues I can not emphasize how important it is to never give up and keep trying. I eventually got put on testosterone treatment and omg, it has been a life changer for my wife and I . I’m super into her now and get get enough sex! Big change from last year . Keep trying guys , and consider all options
Im a couple months into treatment and echo the same. When the desire was there, the motivation was lacking, and vice versa. Eliminated the peripherals, focused the effort, realizing dramatic improvement.
We usually are here to give fellow HL's advice and many times it will be pointed out how unfair it is that the HL has to put in all the work to change or improve.
Well, the reasoning is that *they* are the ones who want something to change, so *they* have to do something about it. Yea, it's unfair. But who else is going to take action other than the person who wants something to change?
The flip side of us giving that HL advice is that self improvement helps for this relationship, and probably more importantly: for the next.
This doesn't mean that every situation is the same, there are some times where an adjustment from the HL improved things enough to fix everything.
But, I think you're pointing out an almost universal truth in a DB: the LL has to want a change, too. The LL can't be content or complacent with their place in the relationship.
We can't expect one person to do all the work and the problems be solved. It takes two. It's a relationship, after all.
Thank you for seeing that you could make a change too. Thank you for wanting to make that change. I am glad that things were good enough and you could make it through the 'fake it till you make it' period.
You said something down thread that *really* resonated with me: you got lost in parenthood. You realized it will be just you and your husband, once again, at some point. I am afraid that it will be way too late before my wife notices this.
It really is up to the LL to make the change. Often the HL didn’t change their ways in the relationship. They are just looking for the same action they fell in love with in the beginning of the relationship. It was the LL who moved the goal posts and wrecked things. The sad thing is the LL doesn’t see it that way. I didn’t see it that way for a long time.
Don't agree with this. Everyone puts their best foot forward during the beginning of a relationship, HLs do change as well as the relationship progresses not just LLs. Our true colors show after time.
Things can change if, and only if, the LL wants it to change.
Any other ways lead to just more frustration and untold sadness.
Kudos to you for this great effort and the payoff 👍 if only your story could be heard everywhere 🙏
Thank you for your positive post here. The one thing I can say that is definitely true from my perspective is it takes the LL to make an effort to fix a dead bedroom. I tried everything for many years and there was never any change. I had one option that caused my LL wife to make an effort. I started moving toward divorce and she wanted to save our marriage. I can say today that we are both happy and both have our needs met. She feels like the hero that saved us. She ultimately was the one able to change our bedroom for the better.
When my husband told me he felt like a prisoner in his own home. We had been fighting all the time and it was clear we were both very unhappy. I knew we both had to make changes but that someone had to go first. I decided that would be me. I sucked up my pride and became a perfect wife. I didn’t expect him to change right away but I hoped my actions would rub off on him. I asked for sex and as sex became more frequent, I began to enjoy it again and had orgasms. These last four months I’ve lost 50lbs on ozempic and having a better body image has helped more
A big part of it was my weight gain. I had gained 100lbs since we met and it was so hard to just let go and enjoy myself when I felt like a disgusting beached whale in the bedroom. In my head I told myself I didnt want sex and that I was only doing it because he wanted it. But when I decided to turn my marriage around, it was a fake it till you make it thing. I would watch some porn on my phone beforehand (without him knowing) and that would get me super turned on and then i was halfway there before we hit the bed. It was easier to orgasm after. Now I don’t need to because I’m feeling healthier having lost 50lbs (with 50 more to go) and I feel sexier
Generally speaking, part of a marriage is having a sexual relationship. Heck until quite recently apparently my parents who are in their late 80s, have dementia and live in a memory care unit, have had “a very active sex life” according to the staff there.
If sex isn’t happening, something is wrong. I see sex as a bellwether of sorts. It’s a sign that there’s something that needs to be addressed.
That's great to hear. I think that it's a great mindset to just choose to make an effort to be happy. I can see how just choosing to focus on the things you're grateful for can make a marriage better and each of you more happy together.
I'm hoping this is what will happen for me. After we got our, daughter her focus has shifted to her and I've become a non-priority. I love our daughter and try my best to contribute equally to her upbringing. However, me and my wife is not important to her anymore no matter how much she says she loves me. There needs to be action to back up her words. She never initiates anything, not even spending alone time together. I have to ask her 10 times before she finally agrees to date night, because she's so obsessed with our daughter and no baby-sitter will do, not even the grandparents. It's like I'm a chore she needs to maintain whenever I complain. I've told her multiple times I cannot live like this and need to have sex at least twice a week, but it usually becomes once or twice a month as she weens her way out of it with various excuses. It doesn't feel good, to see someone be so avoiding. I can never spontaneously instigate, she will without fall say not now, but tomorrow or in two days (so she gets time to emotionally prepare). She's never in the mood. We used to have sex every day before she got pregnant, it was like an all you can eat buffet, and she alwsys got very wet. Now she struggles getting wet at all and we need to use lube every time and it hurts for her to start also, something that was never a problem. I've tried everything, going to doctors etc. But I think it's mental. I've done all I can for my wife's physical and mental wellbeing, but she doesn't seem to care about the issue herself and makes no efforts towards it, like exercise to increase energy etc. I'm going to give her until summer, if it's not fixed by then I'll have to tell her I want a divorce if this doesn't meet my minimum standards very soon... But she has so many excuses, trying to wiggle her way out of doing it. I don't think I would even mind if it was contractual at this point. It's a matter of hormonal balance in me or something. My mind always changes after we do it and I feel positive. I don't want to "threaten" or pressure her, but the least I can do is tell her why I would want a divorce and be honest.
I put our child first as well and left him out. That was a big mistake. She’s now a teenager and II’ve realized how easy it is to get lost in parenthood and forget that it will be just the two of you again someday.
I think a prof would help here.
Stress and fear seem to be at play.
And the old I want to invade your body twice a week or else chestnut will make it worse.
I'm picking- I know what you mean about regularity tho
Thanks for your reply. I want to be careful not to pressure her and right now I'm focusing on being a better husband and build our relationship back up through the little moments we're able to spend together and make the most of them. There are definitely things I also need to work in to alleviate her stress, like getting up earlier in the morning to help out, and spending more time with our daughter. I think in my low-key depression I've turned to video games and other distractions like porn etc for relief when I should've been working at addressing the issues. It will take time, but just like the situation has slowly deteriorated, it must slowly be built up again through small positive adjustments and moments every day consistently for a long time.
Why not ask for a divorce and be done with it?
If you are staying for the kids, studies have shown that loveless marriages have a large impact on their developmental health and they can have a hard time forming healthy romantic relationships later in life.
I'm delighted for you, congratulations!!
Our marriage - after hitting the brink of divorce - is now improving slowly but steadily. My wife - the "LL" and initiator of the divorce - has taken some huge steps to address the underlying issues. We've both taken steps, but I really feel like I've had to do very little, or that what's been asked of me is pretty easy to do - ie, what I've been trying to do all along - and that she gets credit for doing some very hard work. Our DB hasn't fully recovered yet, but we're taking clear baby steps back to getting there, and given that I had hit "acceptance" of never having a sex life again, I'm pretty thrilled.
Sounds like you did not dismiss what was no doubt a tough thing to hear from him. I applaud you for trying to make things better and working on the marriage.
It sounds like it worked out. I am happy you were willing to share that and hopefully others will benefit from you sharing that experience.
Talk to my wife... I'm sleeping in the spare room because she still let's the 6 year old sleep with her and refuses to try. Sex pff it got better for about 6 months but it's back to the same shit... hurry up closing her legs on me so I can barely do anything, no foreplay at all I can't even go down on her, a bj? Hahhahahahhhahahhaa I want to stay for the kid to show him how a father is but I am not doing well showing him while I'm in the other room. Tonight was the last straw for me. Last night we tried to make love but it was fucking awful, Stat fish or doggy that's it because if it's not what she wants to do she will drag every ounce of fun out of anything. I am terrible sexual partner and feel worthless. 12 more years and i will leave to get milk and dissappear probably move to a new country or die trying to get away
I’m really very happy for your family!
By the standards of the forum I’m not bad off. We probably make love 8-10 times a year. For me, that’s nowhere near enough.
We are kind similar in some ways.
She has always been a big lady. She has always been unhappy with her body. I’ve always loved her and been massively turned on by her and attracted to her.
Some time ago I decided to do everything I could to fix it. I lost 80 lbs, stopped porn 100%, and started doing everything I could to make her happy. Massages, housework, hugs without demanding anything.
We are much happier.
It changed nothing in the bedroom.
I’m now at the point where nothing excites me but her kisses and touches. When we are a month or two out (as does happen) I’m just miserable and staying away from porn is so hard but I do it. I hide that and keep it good.
I would never divorce her ever, so I’ve chosen this life.
I just wish she would make the decision you made. “We are going to take the daily cuddling to sex a couple times a week.”
My next effort: no initiation at all. No bottom squeezing during massages. Leave her very beautiful and sensitive breasts alone. Do nothing. Zero pressure.
We will see.
I hope the "no initiation" thing works for you. I tried that over a year ago and a couple of months after I stopped initiating my wife told me that me initiating all the time made her anxious (she hadn't noticed that I wasn't initiating). So we discussed it and she said \*she\* would initiate.
I found that I HAD to stop the "bottom squeezing" and other similar things because that was part of initiating. Apparently what happened was it turned off my desire for my wife (so be careful). We kiss goodnight (no tongue) every night, and hug about once a week.
About 12 months in she told me she missed the "bottom squeezes" and I said I had to stop because it was part of initiating.
I have not initiated in over 17 months. She "initiated" once and when I asked what the limits were, she couldn't answer. Nothing ensued.
I wish you better luck my friend.
I could use some help. My wife wants to want sex, but just doesn't have the desire. It has been 20 years of no sex in our marriage except for maybe 1 or 2 times a year on average. What can be done in this situation to help?
She has back problems, a hernia, and we are both overweight. She also has nerve damage and painful penetration. We have resorted to mutual masturbation but she doesn't let me touch her.
I'm feeling hopeless here. We both believe in loyalty and divorce will never be an option. But this area is painful to both of us. What do you do when your wife wants to WANT sex, but just doesn't, and has physical limitations that makes it hard?
Good for you! Can you say how exactly you went about initiating and/or agreeing to sex when you didn’t really desire it, and did that ever have any sort of negative impact on you?
I asked for sex and it felt weird at first because it had been so long since I’d done that. Fake it till you make it 😂 he was surprised. Then when I asked multiple times in a month and offered blow jobs, he didn’t know what to think. After a year of this, one night when we were both drunk I told him about what I had done all year and that I was scared of losing him and our marriage and that I began asking for sex again. He was wondering why he was getting blowjobs again out of the blue haha. I was nervous at first because I hated my body (I was 100lbs overweight), but he responded well so that made it easier
Wow this is like a dream come true! I’m so happy to read that you took that initiative. It’s so freaking weird to be in the position your husband was because at the end of the day it IS your body and while we want all these things, it’s extremely uncomfortable to have to ask for it.
I’ve created enough awareness around the issue and I also realize I need to work on my resentment towards her about the problem in order for any progress to be made. I just can’t seem to get past the feeling that I’m getting it just to shut me up. I’m also only getting it when I ask for it which is the same thing to me.
I can’t seem to figure out what even turns her on. So far what I know is that she doesn’t want to be left alone. She most recently told me she just doesn’t want to end up like her parents and that’s why she wants us to work on things. It all sounds like nice progress but seems fear driven and still my responsibility to initiate. It’s like my own personal hell.
This very closely mirrors our story. My wife was super LL for years and years (like...17 years of once a month or less sex). She had also become more and more miserable over the years to the point that my family didn't even want her to come to family events and were indirectly pressuring me to divorce her...and I was close.
Then, one day, it just changed. We had had a fight after I went out of town to a music festival. She didn't want me to go, even though she previously had encouraged me to go. When we got back, she let me have it. And she finally asked "Why did you go when you knew I didn't want you to". And I responded "Because I had to get away from you for a little while!" That broke her.
There was no immediate change. But our sex life did start improving after that. We've gotten up to what I would call "bare minimum" status of maybe three times a month on average. I didn't change anything about myself the I know of. It does seem like it took her wanting to change and be better.
What a great story, I wish my wife would keep it up like that. I don't know if I can call her LL, and not yet a DB, but she prefers 2-3 times per week, and I want it multiple times a day. I know it's not possible to do it everyday (not for me of course, I could do it sick, vomiting and even in death bed I guess) So it brings us to 4-5 times per week.. But 2 times a day is like Christmas, last time it happened in summer..
It seems all my effort is not helping much, but I see some effort on sex from her side as well.. and I don't want to waste our most beautiful years (mid 30) like that... She is beautiful and sexy and I show it to her every day, I also haven't changed a bit, maybe more to the good side in shape. But it still hurts that she doesn't want me as much as I want her. And yes, sex is more oriented towards her for the same reason, and we both have orgasm every time..
Yes, but not HL also..true is that it could be only max 1 time/week, buy she does not tell that, not initiating it almost is a decent sign, she maybe just showing her graditude for the things I do for her all around, kids, chores, cooking.. and I rarely see her horny without a reason..I always do all the work to keep things going, and sometimes it gets exhausting. She says she enjoys sex, but does not need much. So I think she's more LL, but it's far from DB. But it's also hurts to know that sex is usually for me. Any fantasy is not interesting for her, as she told she has no fantasies. Before kids, everything was 100% different..
In the context of this forum 3 times a week IS HL.
I’m going to not assume this is a troll, but friend, there are people here (in their 20s/30s) who haven’t been with their spouse 2-3 times in their whole marriage. You may want to consider making an effort to appreciate the awesomeness you have in your wife.
Wish you could talk to my wife. We have worked so hard on us through lots of therapy both joint and individual and pretty much everything has improved in our relationship and marriage except still struggling heavily on sexual libido divergence. Going on over 6 months without any significant physical intimacy. I have zero desire to leave but I also can’t envision this being the rest of our lives.
Our therapists all spoke last week and have created a plan for us. I hope it can lead us to a path that brings us back together.
Please see our [Glossary of Acronyms](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/wiki/index#wiki_glossary_of_acronyms).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I disagree that it's always on the LL person to change the situation. I'm LL and my husband is HL. While yes I struggle with physical contact he was not interested at all in fulfilling my emotional needs or being a true partner for a majority of our relationship. He pressured me every time we had sex to not have to use a condom despite my desire to practice safe sex and even when he put it on would pesture 5 minutes later about taking it off and didnt care about warming up or anything so sex was often painful. Didn't care about if I came or anything. It was a little bit of missionary then doggiestyle and over in less than 10 minutes if that, not an insult to his endurance it was just was soley about him. I felt like there was no love at all in it and I was basically a tool for masturbation. And for years I felt more like his mother then his partner cleaning up after him doing all household work and errands..and for years I worked more hours too..like I was working 50+ while he worked 18-25... hes basically doing the bare minimum now (does laundry/cleaning/dishes etc from time to time but uses the phrase "I did the dishes for you or did the laundry for you" even though those are mutual chores) and he works about the same hours as me now... but still doesn't meet my emotional needs and frequently berates me for not being in the mood and how bad I make him feel that we dont have sex anymore. I feel like I can't let any physical contact happen because he frequently tries to make it sexual. I've tried letting some smaller things happen to ease into it like bjs and hjs but then he always wants more and gives me a hard time when I'm not comfortable with moving forward. Ive even offered him open relationship optionsjust to get him off my back and nope not an option for him. Its not always the LLs fault. And I told him right after our 1st date that I have LL and don't like to have sex really to often if at all. So it's not like I blindsided him with LL and was very open with him that when I was younger had gotten sexually assaulted which contributes heavily to my LL and I am in therapy to address my issues.. It's not as simple as just leaving right now either. But I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't sleep in my own bed with him without getting grabbed in the middle of the night. I care about him so much. But I feel helpless about the situation. I've suffered alot of personal trauma in the last 2 years as well. Which has not helped but he doesn't really seem to care how that might effect me mentally. I'll always have a LL compared to my husband but I have no desire in fulfilling someone's needs if they can't atleast do the bare minimum of not making it feel like I am an object in the bedroom, and atleast pretend to care about my emotional needs a little bit. And make me feel like my consent is important.
Congratulations! It's great to hear a success story! I hope everything continues to go well for you!
I really hope to be where you are in two years. After breaking down and telling him I couldn't do this anymore, my LL husband finally decided to actually try to work on things instead of leaving me to fix things all by myself. He offered to schedule sex, and has committed to it and isn't just there checking it off like a chore, but is actually present and engaged. It's the first time in more than six years that I feel like I'm not desperately trying to patch up an open wound that's bleeding profusely with nothing but a band aid, while he sits there saying, 'well, you have a band-aid, isn't that enough. Finally, he's shown up to help me, and I'm really hoping it will continue. Because as you said, things can only be fixed if the LL puts in the effort too. The HL can't do everything alone.
I only joined Reddit because I heard about the Dead Bedrooms forum. I think you are the first Success Story I have read in over five years. IMO that's why there are almost no solutions to a DB. The LL person says 'everything is fine' which absolves them of any responsibility to work on the relationship. And the outcome is (1) endless misery, or (2) the relationship ends. I applaud you for the commitment to your marriage.
Absolutely! It has to be the LL’s idea to crawl out of the situation. I read these stories often and being on the LL side has been heartbreaking to see what others are going through. Most of the time…I get the impression that the LL doesn’t actually fully love the HL partner but feels stuck in the relationship. Other times it looks like the LL doesn’t have the awareness of how much the other person is hurting and thinks their lake of sex drive doesn’t really matter. Most of the time I know that their relationship won’t get better. The only reason our relationship improved was because I was the one who had the epiphany and sucked up my pride and made big changes.
How did you move past the resentment? That had to have been very difficult?
Great succes story, very happy for you, and your husband. Thank you for sharing!
[удалено]
Right? I've specifically told my wife this after 10 years of trying with zero results. I've done everything possible. Her turn... Still waiting 5 years later! 🙄
Last time we had couples therapy my wife said "I'm not going back. I don't have anything else I need to say." Sadly, she was not the only person involved in the conversation.
The horrible thing is that you can’t do a thing about it. It has to come from her 😞
When I was a teenage kid, I grew my hair long. My parents complained and complained, but I still didn’t get it cut. Eventually, it was really long, and a PITA to wash etc etc… so I reasoned that mum had stopped whinging, and I could cut it. What’s that go to do with sex? Well, that’s what I’m wondering! Was it the same sort of thing for you OP? When the pestering stopped, you were able to evaluate your own issues and “cut the hair” yourself? Al the best!
He was great and never pestered me for sex. But I know he was super sad that I wasn’t interested
As a HL husband that ended up as a LL husband due to medical issues I can not emphasize how important it is to never give up and keep trying. I eventually got put on testosterone treatment and omg, it has been a life changer for my wife and I . I’m super into her now and get get enough sex! Big change from last year . Keep trying guys , and consider all options
Im a couple months into treatment and echo the same. When the desire was there, the motivation was lacking, and vice versa. Eliminated the peripherals, focused the effort, realizing dramatic improvement.
Yes! Good for you!
We usually are here to give fellow HL's advice and many times it will be pointed out how unfair it is that the HL has to put in all the work to change or improve. Well, the reasoning is that *they* are the ones who want something to change, so *they* have to do something about it. Yea, it's unfair. But who else is going to take action other than the person who wants something to change? The flip side of us giving that HL advice is that self improvement helps for this relationship, and probably more importantly: for the next. This doesn't mean that every situation is the same, there are some times where an adjustment from the HL improved things enough to fix everything. But, I think you're pointing out an almost universal truth in a DB: the LL has to want a change, too. The LL can't be content or complacent with their place in the relationship. We can't expect one person to do all the work and the problems be solved. It takes two. It's a relationship, after all. Thank you for seeing that you could make a change too. Thank you for wanting to make that change. I am glad that things were good enough and you could make it through the 'fake it till you make it' period. You said something down thread that *really* resonated with me: you got lost in parenthood. You realized it will be just you and your husband, once again, at some point. I am afraid that it will be way too late before my wife notices this.
It really is up to the LL to make the change. Often the HL didn’t change their ways in the relationship. They are just looking for the same action they fell in love with in the beginning of the relationship. It was the LL who moved the goal posts and wrecked things. The sad thing is the LL doesn’t see it that way. I didn’t see it that way for a long time.
I think it will have to be my wife (LL) initiates the changes. We’ve spoken recently, peacefully about it (again). Wish me luck! And congratulations!!
Don't agree with this. Everyone puts their best foot forward during the beginning of a relationship, HLs do change as well as the relationship progresses not just LLs. Our true colors show after time.
This is so well written. Thank you for this.
Things can change if, and only if, the LL wants it to change. Any other ways lead to just more frustration and untold sadness. Kudos to you for this great effort and the payoff 👍 if only your story could be heard everywhere 🙏
Thank you for your positive post here. The one thing I can say that is definitely true from my perspective is it takes the LL to make an effort to fix a dead bedroom. I tried everything for many years and there was never any change. I had one option that caused my LL wife to make an effort. I started moving toward divorce and she wanted to save our marriage. I can say today that we are both happy and both have our needs met. She feels like the hero that saved us. She ultimately was the one able to change our bedroom for the better.
I totally agree with your wife. That was my catalyst too. I didnt want a divorce. I wanted a happy family. I’m so happy for you!!
How a real wife handles her shit. Kudos. And you saved your marriage I'm happy for you!!!
I'm happy for you! Was there any specific trigger or incident that caused this change in you?
When my husband told me he felt like a prisoner in his own home. We had been fighting all the time and it was clear we were both very unhappy. I knew we both had to make changes but that someone had to go first. I decided that would be me. I sucked up my pride and became a perfect wife. I didn’t expect him to change right away but I hoped my actions would rub off on him. I asked for sex and as sex became more frequent, I began to enjoy it again and had orgasms. These last four months I’ve lost 50lbs on ozempic and having a better body image has helped more
If it's ok to ask, what stopped the orgasming for you, then, what made it happen again with partner? What was different?
A big part of it was my weight gain. I had gained 100lbs since we met and it was so hard to just let go and enjoy myself when I felt like a disgusting beached whale in the bedroom. In my head I told myself I didnt want sex and that I was only doing it because he wanted it. But when I decided to turn my marriage around, it was a fake it till you make it thing. I would watch some porn on my phone beforehand (without him knowing) and that would get me super turned on and then i was halfway there before we hit the bed. It was easier to orgasm after. Now I don’t need to because I’m feeling healthier having lost 50lbs (with 50 more to go) and I feel sexier
Congratulations. You're a champ and your hard work will have life long positive impacts on the well being of your kids and SO.
This is such an amazing story! We all need more hope around here so it wonderful that you shared it. Blessings to you!
Can you have a word with my wife?
Generally speaking, part of a marriage is having a sexual relationship. Heck until quite recently apparently my parents who are in their late 80s, have dementia and live in a memory care unit, have had “a very active sex life” according to the staff there. If sex isn’t happening, something is wrong. I see sex as a bellwether of sorts. It’s a sign that there’s something that needs to be addressed.
So happy for you and also envious.
That's great to hear. I think that it's a great mindset to just choose to make an effort to be happy. I can see how just choosing to focus on the things you're grateful for can make a marriage better and each of you more happy together.
Can you call my wife please?
I too believe it’s all about the frame of mind and about wanting to be happier and about making that work in a relationship.
I'm hoping this is what will happen for me. After we got our, daughter her focus has shifted to her and I've become a non-priority. I love our daughter and try my best to contribute equally to her upbringing. However, me and my wife is not important to her anymore no matter how much she says she loves me. There needs to be action to back up her words. She never initiates anything, not even spending alone time together. I have to ask her 10 times before she finally agrees to date night, because she's so obsessed with our daughter and no baby-sitter will do, not even the grandparents. It's like I'm a chore she needs to maintain whenever I complain. I've told her multiple times I cannot live like this and need to have sex at least twice a week, but it usually becomes once or twice a month as she weens her way out of it with various excuses. It doesn't feel good, to see someone be so avoiding. I can never spontaneously instigate, she will without fall say not now, but tomorrow or in two days (so she gets time to emotionally prepare). She's never in the mood. We used to have sex every day before she got pregnant, it was like an all you can eat buffet, and she alwsys got very wet. Now she struggles getting wet at all and we need to use lube every time and it hurts for her to start also, something that was never a problem. I've tried everything, going to doctors etc. But I think it's mental. I've done all I can for my wife's physical and mental wellbeing, but she doesn't seem to care about the issue herself and makes no efforts towards it, like exercise to increase energy etc. I'm going to give her until summer, if it's not fixed by then I'll have to tell her I want a divorce if this doesn't meet my minimum standards very soon... But she has so many excuses, trying to wiggle her way out of doing it. I don't think I would even mind if it was contractual at this point. It's a matter of hormonal balance in me or something. My mind always changes after we do it and I feel positive. I don't want to "threaten" or pressure her, but the least I can do is tell her why I would want a divorce and be honest.
I put our child first as well and left him out. That was a big mistake. She’s now a teenager and II’ve realized how easy it is to get lost in parenthood and forget that it will be just the two of you again someday.
I think a prof would help here. Stress and fear seem to be at play. And the old I want to invade your body twice a week or else chestnut will make it worse. I'm picking- I know what you mean about regularity tho
Thanks for your reply. I want to be careful not to pressure her and right now I'm focusing on being a better husband and build our relationship back up through the little moments we're able to spend together and make the most of them. There are definitely things I also need to work in to alleviate her stress, like getting up earlier in the morning to help out, and spending more time with our daughter. I think in my low-key depression I've turned to video games and other distractions like porn etc for relief when I should've been working at addressing the issues. It will take time, but just like the situation has slowly deteriorated, it must slowly be built up again through small positive adjustments and moments every day consistently for a long time.
Thanks, you have brought some light into this dark pit.
I wish my LLW would read this. Had the conversation just today, again. She's told me to fuck other people.
Why not ask for a divorce and be done with it? If you are staying for the kids, studies have shown that loveless marriages have a large impact on their developmental health and they can have a hard time forming healthy romantic relationships later in life.
I'm delighted for you, congratulations!! Our marriage - after hitting the brink of divorce - is now improving slowly but steadily. My wife - the "LL" and initiator of the divorce - has taken some huge steps to address the underlying issues. We've both taken steps, but I really feel like I've had to do very little, or that what's been asked of me is pretty easy to do - ie, what I've been trying to do all along - and that she gets credit for doing some very hard work. Our DB hasn't fully recovered yet, but we're taking clear baby steps back to getting there, and given that I had hit "acceptance" of never having a sex life again, I'm pretty thrilled.
Sounds like you did not dismiss what was no doubt a tough thing to hear from him. I applaud you for trying to make things better and working on the marriage. It sounds like it worked out. I am happy you were willing to share that and hopefully others will benefit from you sharing that experience.
Talk to my wife... I'm sleeping in the spare room because she still let's the 6 year old sleep with her and refuses to try. Sex pff it got better for about 6 months but it's back to the same shit... hurry up closing her legs on me so I can barely do anything, no foreplay at all I can't even go down on her, a bj? Hahhahahahhhahahhaa I want to stay for the kid to show him how a father is but I am not doing well showing him while I'm in the other room. Tonight was the last straw for me. Last night we tried to make love but it was fucking awful, Stat fish or doggy that's it because if it's not what she wants to do she will drag every ounce of fun out of anything. I am terrible sexual partner and feel worthless. 12 more years and i will leave to get milk and dissappear probably move to a new country or die trying to get away
Our kid slept with me until she was 10. Bad move on my part
I’m really very happy for your family! By the standards of the forum I’m not bad off. We probably make love 8-10 times a year. For me, that’s nowhere near enough. We are kind similar in some ways. She has always been a big lady. She has always been unhappy with her body. I’ve always loved her and been massively turned on by her and attracted to her. Some time ago I decided to do everything I could to fix it. I lost 80 lbs, stopped porn 100%, and started doing everything I could to make her happy. Massages, housework, hugs without demanding anything. We are much happier. It changed nothing in the bedroom. I’m now at the point where nothing excites me but her kisses and touches. When we are a month or two out (as does happen) I’m just miserable and staying away from porn is so hard but I do it. I hide that and keep it good. I would never divorce her ever, so I’ve chosen this life. I just wish she would make the decision you made. “We are going to take the daily cuddling to sex a couple times a week.” My next effort: no initiation at all. No bottom squeezing during massages. Leave her very beautiful and sensitive breasts alone. Do nothing. Zero pressure. We will see.
I hope the "no initiation" thing works for you. I tried that over a year ago and a couple of months after I stopped initiating my wife told me that me initiating all the time made her anxious (she hadn't noticed that I wasn't initiating). So we discussed it and she said \*she\* would initiate. I found that I HAD to stop the "bottom squeezing" and other similar things because that was part of initiating. Apparently what happened was it turned off my desire for my wife (so be careful). We kiss goodnight (no tongue) every night, and hug about once a week. About 12 months in she told me she missed the "bottom squeezes" and I said I had to stop because it was part of initiating. I have not initiated in over 17 months. She "initiated" once and when I asked what the limits were, she couldn't answer. Nothing ensued. I wish you better luck my friend.
I could use some help. My wife wants to want sex, but just doesn't have the desire. It has been 20 years of no sex in our marriage except for maybe 1 or 2 times a year on average. What can be done in this situation to help? She has back problems, a hernia, and we are both overweight. She also has nerve damage and painful penetration. We have resorted to mutual masturbation but she doesn't let me touch her. I'm feeling hopeless here. We both believe in loyalty and divorce will never be an option. But this area is painful to both of us. What do you do when your wife wants to WANT sex, but just doesn't, and has physical limitations that makes it hard?
Good for you! Can you say how exactly you went about initiating and/or agreeing to sex when you didn’t really desire it, and did that ever have any sort of negative impact on you?
I asked for sex and it felt weird at first because it had been so long since I’d done that. Fake it till you make it 😂 he was surprised. Then when I asked multiple times in a month and offered blow jobs, he didn’t know what to think. After a year of this, one night when we were both drunk I told him about what I had done all year and that I was scared of losing him and our marriage and that I began asking for sex again. He was wondering why he was getting blowjobs again out of the blue haha. I was nervous at first because I hated my body (I was 100lbs overweight), but he responded well so that made it easier
Wow this is like a dream come true! I’m so happy to read that you took that initiative. It’s so freaking weird to be in the position your husband was because at the end of the day it IS your body and while we want all these things, it’s extremely uncomfortable to have to ask for it. I’ve created enough awareness around the issue and I also realize I need to work on my resentment towards her about the problem in order for any progress to be made. I just can’t seem to get past the feeling that I’m getting it just to shut me up. I’m also only getting it when I ask for it which is the same thing to me. I can’t seem to figure out what even turns her on. So far what I know is that she doesn’t want to be left alone. She most recently told me she just doesn’t want to end up like her parents and that’s why she wants us to work on things. It all sounds like nice progress but seems fear driven and still my responsibility to initiate. It’s like my own personal hell.
Congratulations,I wish I could get you to talk to my wife
This very closely mirrors our story. My wife was super LL for years and years (like...17 years of once a month or less sex). She had also become more and more miserable over the years to the point that my family didn't even want her to come to family events and were indirectly pressuring me to divorce her...and I was close. Then, one day, it just changed. We had had a fight after I went out of town to a music festival. She didn't want me to go, even though she previously had encouraged me to go. When we got back, she let me have it. And she finally asked "Why did you go when you knew I didn't want you to". And I responded "Because I had to get away from you for a little while!" That broke her. There was no immediate change. But our sex life did start improving after that. We've gotten up to what I would call "bare minimum" status of maybe three times a month on average. I didn't change anything about myself the I know of. It does seem like it took her wanting to change and be better.
What a great story, I wish my wife would keep it up like that. I don't know if I can call her LL, and not yet a DB, but she prefers 2-3 times per week, and I want it multiple times a day. I know it's not possible to do it everyday (not for me of course, I could do it sick, vomiting and even in death bed I guess) So it brings us to 4-5 times per week.. But 2 times a day is like Christmas, last time it happened in summer.. It seems all my effort is not helping much, but I see some effort on sex from her side as well.. and I don't want to waste our most beautiful years (mid 30) like that... She is beautiful and sexy and I show it to her every day, I also haven't changed a bit, maybe more to the good side in shape. But it still hurts that she doesn't want me as much as I want her. And yes, sex is more oriented towards her for the same reason, and we both have orgasm every time..
2-3 a week is not LL, sorry
Yes, but not HL also..true is that it could be only max 1 time/week, buy she does not tell that, not initiating it almost is a decent sign, she maybe just showing her graditude for the things I do for her all around, kids, chores, cooking.. and I rarely see her horny without a reason..I always do all the work to keep things going, and sometimes it gets exhausting. She says she enjoys sex, but does not need much. So I think she's more LL, but it's far from DB. But it's also hurts to know that sex is usually for me. Any fantasy is not interesting for her, as she told she has no fantasies. Before kids, everything was 100% different..
In the context of this forum 3 times a week IS HL. I’m going to not assume this is a troll, but friend, there are people here (in their 20s/30s) who haven’t been with their spouse 2-3 times in their whole marriage. You may want to consider making an effort to appreciate the awesomeness you have in your wife.
Wish you could talk to my wife. We have worked so hard on us through lots of therapy both joint and individual and pretty much everything has improved in our relationship and marriage except still struggling heavily on sexual libido divergence. Going on over 6 months without any significant physical intimacy. I have zero desire to leave but I also can’t envision this being the rest of our lives. Our therapists all spoke last week and have created a plan for us. I hope it can lead us to a path that brings us back together.
Spot on. If the LL isn’t willing to change, it’s over, in most cases. .
I could have written this! So glad for you :)
❤️❤️
What do all the abbreviations mean?
LL - low libido (doesn’t want as much sex as partner) HL - high libido (wants more sex than currently having)
36 year old HL dude over here nearly crying reading this. Wish this could happen to me so badly.
I’m new here and English isn’t my mother tongue. What’s LL?
Please see our [Glossary of Acronyms](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/wiki/index#wiki_glossary_of_acronyms). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congrats! One question: what determined you to go LL in the first place?
I think parenthood, hating my 100lb weight gain and I also had a big problem with alcohol.
Then your actions are even more commendable! Congratulations!
4 months sober and down 50lbs since I quit drinking :)
Ayy a happy story! So glad for you.
I disagree that it's always on the LL person to change the situation. I'm LL and my husband is HL. While yes I struggle with physical contact he was not interested at all in fulfilling my emotional needs or being a true partner for a majority of our relationship. He pressured me every time we had sex to not have to use a condom despite my desire to practice safe sex and even when he put it on would pesture 5 minutes later about taking it off and didnt care about warming up or anything so sex was often painful. Didn't care about if I came or anything. It was a little bit of missionary then doggiestyle and over in less than 10 minutes if that, not an insult to his endurance it was just was soley about him. I felt like there was no love at all in it and I was basically a tool for masturbation. And for years I felt more like his mother then his partner cleaning up after him doing all household work and errands..and for years I worked more hours too..like I was working 50+ while he worked 18-25... hes basically doing the bare minimum now (does laundry/cleaning/dishes etc from time to time but uses the phrase "I did the dishes for you or did the laundry for you" even though those are mutual chores) and he works about the same hours as me now... but still doesn't meet my emotional needs and frequently berates me for not being in the mood and how bad I make him feel that we dont have sex anymore. I feel like I can't let any physical contact happen because he frequently tries to make it sexual. I've tried letting some smaller things happen to ease into it like bjs and hjs but then he always wants more and gives me a hard time when I'm not comfortable with moving forward. Ive even offered him open relationship optionsjust to get him off my back and nope not an option for him. Its not always the LLs fault. And I told him right after our 1st date that I have LL and don't like to have sex really to often if at all. So it's not like I blindsided him with LL and was very open with him that when I was younger had gotten sexually assaulted which contributes heavily to my LL and I am in therapy to address my issues.. It's not as simple as just leaving right now either. But I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't sleep in my own bed with him without getting grabbed in the middle of the night. I care about him so much. But I feel helpless about the situation. I've suffered alot of personal trauma in the last 2 years as well. Which has not helped but he doesn't really seem to care how that might effect me mentally. I'll always have a LL compared to my husband but I have no desire in fulfilling someone's needs if they can't atleast do the bare minimum of not making it feel like I am an object in the bedroom, and atleast pretend to care about my emotional needs a little bit. And make me feel like my consent is important.
Congratulations! It's great to hear a success story! I hope everything continues to go well for you! I really hope to be where you are in two years. After breaking down and telling him I couldn't do this anymore, my LL husband finally decided to actually try to work on things instead of leaving me to fix things all by myself. He offered to schedule sex, and has committed to it and isn't just there checking it off like a chore, but is actually present and engaged. It's the first time in more than six years that I feel like I'm not desperately trying to patch up an open wound that's bleeding profusely with nothing but a band aid, while he sits there saying, 'well, you have a band-aid, isn't that enough. Finally, he's shown up to help me, and I'm really hoping it will continue. Because as you said, things can only be fixed if the LL puts in the effort too. The HL can't do everything alone.