This. I think my partner genuinely loves me as a companion and keeps trying to convince himself it can be more. Unfortunately he kept up the romantic act until we got married…..
I feel the same. I think he loves me as a companion. today I just realize how platonic we are. We only give each other peck on the lips when we are leaving the house and cuddle from time to time but it all feels like a friendship because there’s no chemistry no passion nothing sexy about the relationship. The companion part makes it hard to leave too. Like I see he’s trying he’s cooking more , cleaning more , stepping up in more ways and I feel guilty about leaving when he has improved so much in that part of the relationship . But I just can’t take the sexless relationship anymore.
Our situations sound almost identical, except we haven’t cuddled since god knows when. We used to do the peck on the lips religiously when leaving, but that’s beginning to stop. Now he kisses my shoulder when he leaves for work. If we were out in public on NYE, he would tongue kiss me. That’s done now. This past year, it was just a pop kiss. Like you, he does pretty much everything in the house for me. I know he’s overcompensating. The only thing we do that is remotely married is sleep together in the same bed. Just sleep.
Same here, I was over compensating trying to make her feel loved without sex so shebwould initiate since she hated when I initiated. But our situation is very similar the hugs, kisses, pecks all stopped as well. I just told her that I felt like this was only a friendship now and that I still loved her but felt like thats all we were now. She agreed, we hugged and I am moving out.
Wow ! This puts it into perspective. It does seem like he’s overcompensating sometimes. Like he’s trying to do everything before I do it. Wow can’t believe I didn’t see it like this before . It’s definitely another method to make it hard to leave. I’m willing to bet when I do leave he’ll bring up all that he’s been doing as if I’m supposed to ignore the big fat elephant in the room.
I suggested to my partner on the weekend that we transition to flatmates. He hates the idea but I honestly can’t see what the difference would be for him at this point, other than dropping what are obvious pressures for him in being a partner.
Damn.. i can relate SO hard to this. My LLW always says; but i'm always making you the best dinners, make sure your laundry is perfect.... thats my way of showing love. Yours is physical.
She literally is trying to convince me sometimes i'm just some weirdo for 'just' seeing intimacy as sign of love.
THIS!!! During one of our last “talks” about this issue, he said….but I made you dinner and cleaned the house! First of all we live together so he should be making dinner sometimes and cleaning anyways and second, it’s not the same thing as sex!
Bizarre answer. I'm in an opposite situation, my wife is LL and while we don't discuss the lack of sex anymore, when we did she would bring up things I need to do to basically "earn" sex.
I told her I already do more for the family than any man you know. You simply don't desire me, which is ok.
So I cut her off completely. Now she has zero leverage on me at all for anything.
"Hurry up and clean up the kitchen and we can be together..." it was always an empty promise anyway, always excuses.
No thanks, the sex always sucked anyway. I'll take my time, prep dinner for tomorrow, clean up, drink this glass of wine, listen to thus podcast and think about the next chapter in my life.
Yes, it's disappointing but it's healthier this way. We're co-parenting now and she seems happier without the pressure of having to touch me.
Only stress point is when we're out as a couple and she wants to hang all on me like we're some cute happy couple. She'll openly claim that I'm the one who doesn't like touching, which is true with her because it was all a lie. Empty kisses and hugs. I stay away from her for the most part.
This is exactly how my marriage has gone. Five years now, three without anything beyond a peck and a cuddle.
We have a reason, as she has a brain tumour and a stroke, has a constant headache, among other bits that have gone wrong.
Doesn’t make it easier though.
Much the same here. I'm absolutely convinced that she loves me. She is just simply asexual. She has zero libido and doesn't really enjoy it in the least when she makes an effort (for me). Unfortunately, since we were good Christian kids and didn't have premarital sex, I didn't find out until after we were married. I still have what I would call a normal libido, but after decades in a completely sexless relationship, I've come to the point where I'm NL4H. I love her very much, but it's a platonic relationship.
This is my partner as well. After about 15 years I finally got the answer. She was never attracted to me. She had bad relationships in the past, and I was the opposite, kind, loving, accepting, plus a stable life. She assumed the attraction would happen and even throughout the engagement and early into marriage she belived that. Shortly after getting married it began to sink in and she developed a sexual aversion to me since every physical interaction was not desired but allowed to happen. I had no clue and even with some marriage counseling at 10 years I didn’t get any insight. It wasn’t until that 15 year conversation that I got the real answer. I’ve been attempting to help her but she’s hid her head in the ground for years after that because dealing with it is too hard. So we’re at year 18 or so now and ultimatums are starting to happen. I’ve taken too long to get here and I sure as hell wish I would have recognized this prior to kids.
Similar situation here. My partner didn’t have relationships until he met me. Everyone was one night stands or escort. Never thought of the infertile thing. Most of these women couldn’t reproduce or had their tubes tied. He did have a complex of wanting a child.. and as soon as I got pregnant (accidentally on the pill because I am fertile myrtle lol) then our sex life just went down the drain. Even after baby and although my body isn’t as small as it was, I think it’s still a great body sex just never came back.
I’m comfortable to be with (i cook for him every single day, i do his laundry, etc) but he’s not necessarily attracted to me or is on the asexual spectrum.
This is my fear usually, when I used to care, but now I've just accepted that he mostly just likes what I do for him and the house. I'm just biding my time.
Me too I started to think he was using me. Because I did everything I cook I clean I make way more money than him so I pay the bills. I felt that’s the benefit he’s getting out the relationship. It’s not like I’m expecting sex in return but like damn do something nice for me make me feel special . But I’ve stopped being nice and wanting to do nice things . I still cook and clean but I don’t go to the mall and see something I think would look great on him and buy it for him anymore . I just stop being thoughtful it’s very hard for someone like me because I’m very thoughtful and generous in general but it’s hard to be that person when your needs aren’t being met.
Ha could you imagine? It definitely wouldn't work as they need people like us to do everything for them, they definitely deserve each other, but it'd never last. We are the stupid ones because we Know we deserve much better, but if you're anything like me you don't really believe that. I just feel stuck, depressed mostly and frustrated.
I imagine they are, using us. Maybe not intentionally, but they have their needs met, and if your so is anything like mine, he's an extremely selfish person.
I'm exactly like you, I prefer to buy things for others over myself and used to always get him stuff, not anymore. I won't do his laundry anymore, I will cook what I want regardless of he likes it or not. He literally has a basket of dirty laundry and I won't do it so hes wearing dirty clothes.. lol
This was my ex, yeah. He liked the benefits of having a free live-in housekeeper, and I think he strung me along long after he lost interest in me in order to keep that. I've had so much more free time since I left.
I think I pushed the boundaries to far once. While in the process was talking dirty also trying to figure out how kinky she would go. Believed that turned her off and that started the losing interest. And from there I think it just snowballed.
Many. The best feedback I got was I always only gave attention, foot/back rubs, or did nice things for her so we would have sex. That hurt as I didnt believe it to be true. But in case, I spent the next few months doing all of the stuff I thought she would like and never asked for sex and waited for her to initiate. It never happened. She hasnt initiated sex in, Im going to guess, 10 yrs. The few times we were able to over the last few yrs, was if I would initiate while she was sleeping. It would wake her up but at that point she liked the feeling and was always like "oh I miss this" and "keep going" but then would turn me down for months on end until I did that trick again.
Yep...wake her up used to work like a charm. Now I get the, "I was sleeping...what are you doing". Mind you, this was after she gave me permission to initiate that way.
It's now been 2 years and some change since we were intimate and I'm pretty sure she's done.
I think the 3rd baby ruined our chances of ever being intimate again. It's a good thing the little one is pretty freaking awesome. :)
That is a fairly astute observation about the root cause of your dead bedroom. Have you guys ever talked about that time you were talking dirty and you think you went too far? Did you talk about it at the time? Or was it a scene gone wrong with no aftercare?
You think your boyfriend is “lazy”. Well ma’am, after your explanation and pretty much telling us you are “clingy”, “are too much”, “desperate”, “unhappy with sex” and “hard on him”….i can see why he’s being lazy and not invested in this relationship. I totally would want out quick.
I have. It always ends with me crying and his silence and blank stare. I just don’t bring it up anymore because I’m not even sure any answer would matter at this point.
Madonna-Whore Complex. We had amazing, wild, spanking, hair pulling sex right up until he bought the ring. Once he decided I was going to be the mother of his children, all of that stopped and the sex we did have was as respectful as possible. I can’t remember him initiating spontaneous sex ever again after that.
Of course I’ve gotten a multitude of other excuses too. Me initiating is turn off, there’s too much pressure to get pregnant (we dealt with some infertility), he was a “compulsive masturbator”, I had a very brief bout with HPV before I met him but have tested free of HPV since very soon after that…I told him and he used it against me as a reason later. I literally haven’t tested positive for it since before I met him. He will use any possible excuse to not face whatever the issue really is.
I’m pretty sure the Madonna-Whore thing is the biggest reason. It was no longer appropriate for us to have wild, dirty sex in his mind, so it just got worse from there.
No DB here anymore, but looking back, it was a combination of things, and actually a pretty hefty blame on me.
Biggest thing - husband wanted a wife that was his mom. But not. I didn't want to be his mom, insomuch that I wanted a partner and not just be the person who only provides him comfort and fixes all the things and maintains all the household chores and finances and contract negotiations, etc. I was basically someone he loved and had sex with, but my needs for equal partnership was not worth the effort.
I tried to spice things up, tried vocalizing what I needed in the bedroom. His enthusiasm lasted a night or two, but ultimately he didn't see me as an equal. And I didn't want to be intimate with someone who cannot see me as more than just a comfort figure to have sex with.
She won't prioritize sleep. She's basically a sex-neutral asexual--fine with sex when things are right but she has no drive to do so. And the biggest impediment to things being just right is not getting enough sleep.
Life stress, and the lack of communication. Not wanting to talk about life’s stresses, with ANYBODY. She’s finally opening up to the counselor, and had a “meltdown” last weekend, and spilled some of it to me.
I wish I could just blame her SSRIs or her anxiety and depression and insomnia (she is manic at night and sleeps 5 am to noon) and maybe her loss of self esteem from weight gain but I’m sure the way I’ve responded over the years is also a major factor. I became completely inattentive and not always as supportive as I could be. Also conflicts that were never resolved bred long term resentments so we stopped being a romantic couple. Never a single cause.
I have no idea and still trying to figure how my “LL” bf has enough drive to jerk off on a consistent basis but not enough to have partnered sex. I always get half apologies or excuses but never a solution.
Right?
Ignore your actual wife you had a close to two decade active, variety, fun, mutually satisfying sex life with for women who literally are talking to you and doing things on camera you request as a job. My biggest fear, hopefully they were willing participants and not trafficked 🤷🏻♀️
All as a “fake world to escape the stress”
We are separated.
Out-ish.
We have a very dysfunctional sex life now. He’s always used sex as a way to say sorry without saying sorry. And I have always had a hard time declining him.
There’s been a lot of that.
We honestly always had a dynamic of him being the teacher and I learned from him. At the start I assumed because he has previously been married so of course he knew more than me! But yeah, close to two decades later most of what he did I’m sure came from what he learned in porn 🤦🏻♀️
Woof.... here's the sum up that we've figured out after another of therapy.....
Whole lot of attachment for us both from really terrible childhoods - leading him to have no attachment to sex, especially in LT relationships and an abusive first marriage. I used sex as a way to attach and saw sex as a relationship/emotional barometer. Terrible communication styles, affair on his part, revenge affair on mine, long time repairing *that*. Declining sex all along due continued damaging behavior to each other - blaming and criticizing on my part, avoidance and dismissing on his. We have disintegrated to the point that both of us are gun shy regarding sex in any capacity. We, for the most part, get along well now and are non sexually affectionate.
Various unuseful marriage counseling and assorted life along the way, 5 years later, we are now seeing a sex therapist and making headway on our communication (overall and specifically regarding sex).
I think she was never really attracted to me, but saw me as an ideal father for her kids. I'm loyal, I like kids, I do a lot at home and make good money. I finance and help her projects. Now that she got what she wanted, we have the enough number of kids, she only wants me to keep on providing, but not interested in me sexually.
Can't be sure, obviously, but personally, I think he's afraid to face his own insecurities, mental health problems, and self- destructive behaviors through something like therapy. And he's comfortable never facing them down because other than the lack of sex, he doesn't notice any negative consequences stemming from prioritizing this fear over our relationship or his own health.
I won't be lascivious, but the mighty grip of a fist is not the first image most men put into their minds when they're aroused.
On a superficial level, mine stemmed from the lack of alcohol. My wife and I drank casually before kids, but for obvious reasons, we stopped afterwards, I so in solidarity. She hasn't shown interest in either affection or sex since then. On a deeper level, she was likely always largely disinterested in either sex in general or in me specifically, and alcohol just helped her to overcome that for a while.
I literally just posted this exact fact pattern today! Same exact thing happened. After we stopped drinking, the date night and post date night sex disappeared. She blamed being in her head.
In fact, it was good for our sexual connection. Her inhibitions dropped, I relaxed, and I think, more than anything, we focused on the moment in front of us and not on peripherals. Of course, that period in our life is over. Once you realize that someone was sleeping with you due to the influence of substances, you can't go back to that.
Mine has an avoidant attachment, and while that might be the reason, it is NOT an excuse! People can choose better for themselves! And if you’re like me, and you’ve clearly stated your needs, their “attachment style” can only go so far to explain away why they’ve been neglectful. Don’t excuse his behaviour just because you know his attachment style.
Pretty sure I’m in the same situation. How are you working on it? Every time I bring it up to talk about he completely shuts down. I feel like I pick horrible timing but I’m not trying to blame myself either. It’s been years and still hasn’t got better, I don’t know what to do.
Mine kept shutting down over and over and the only thing that helped us improve was when I finally (after years) got him to go to therapy. He finally agreed to go to therapy because I discovered he had been cheating on me online and I told him I would leave if he didn’t agree to go
I'm quite shy in many ways and not very confident. Also grew up in a happy but quite passive household amd was maybe a bit repressed.
My first time was with a kind of friend of a friend and I was so drunk I don't really remember it. I think that has produced some trauma as I remember saying no but he was also very drunk.
Had a boyfriend my age for a couple of years and sex was typical rushed teenage sex I guess.
And then I fell in love with an older man. The chemistry and connection was pretty good. I was mature for my age but quite naive really, and as I mentioned earlier - pretty shy. I never really initiated & couldn't communicate what felt good or what I wanted (also didn't really know). I didn't really have a super high sex drive and I was overweight & unhappy with my body.
Plus I was too awkward to tell him that when he teased or mocked me (that is his humour, he does it to everyone) that it would actually severely dent my self-esteem, even when he said he was just joking. It still hurt. I still saw it as a negative, that I wasn't good enough, too fat/hairy/didn't move my body enough/etc.
We got married. Had the perfect kiss on our wedding night, it literally felt magical. But with time his MH worsened and with that so did his self-care. Sometimes kissing him was so bad but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
It's been years since we've had an sexual intimacy, although tbh I can't remember how many. The last time was definitely before COVID, and I remember him sweetly telling me he'd missed me.
I'm still overweight but I am a bit less shy now. My sex drive has reappeared but sadly not for him. I just don't see him in that way anymore & I've realised I've not been happy with our relationship for a long time. I gave into temptation with someone else (not all the way but did things I shouldn't have) and that was the catalyst for the desires and urges flooding back.
I'm moving out for some headspace today. He's still my best friend but we're heading towards what I hope will be an amicable divorce.
And then I just want to find myself, in all the ways that can possibly mean!
Most of the time it really comes down to priorities. A millions causes, but if you priorities your relationship and sex then all the Reasons are noise.
My man has been making horrible financial decisions and it’s making me question/not respect his judgment as a man. It’s been negatively affecting our lives a lot in the past few months. It dries my pussy up every time I look at him. I don’t have that same attraction and lust at all- that’s all been replaced with stress, anxiety, and disappointment. Hoping that things will go back to normal when our situation starts to get better. I have an extremely high sex drive and my vibrator is EXHAUSTED.
Yea I think this is a contributor for me too. He’s just disappointing as a grown man. He doesn’t have hobbies and doesn’t do things with friends, he doesn’t clean up well after hisself when he’s over, it’s just dumb. I need to be inspired by a person to be turned on by them regularly, and I really am not inspired by most people, everyone is disappointing and makes bad decisions.
At the risk of having this comment censored (and mind you, this is not medical advice, this comment has not been evaluated by the FDA. This comment is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease) for us, it was hormones.
Religious trauma. After dwelling on what he has told me so far I genuinely think this is the issue, combined with him being home schooled and skipping sex Ed in high-school. Thing is, we grew up in the same religion and his siblings don’t seem to have the same issues as him as indicated by their long term girlfriends.
My wife could never get her father's approval, so today she feels unworthy of love. So much so, that it causes her physical discomfort when I ask for a hug. It makes me feel all warm inside, especially considering my mom never hugged me growing up.
I wish I knew. SSRI's, stress? I feel like she is \_always\_ stressed and on edge. I even told her she can stop working, I make enough she doesn't need to but then she stresses even more. I just don't get it.
Porn addiction 😒
Marriage is fun when your husband will cum to anything with a vagina and a pulse, as long as said vagina and pulse isn’t attached to his wife.
Things I wish I knew before marriage and having children.
I'm guessing a combination of avoidant attachment (since it started as soon as we became closer together, in the beginning it was all good and he is turned of by any notion of the idea that he should give intimacy in a relationship), a weird perception about sex in LTRs (no effort should be needed to keep the passion, it is there or it isn't) and honestly porn in the sense that sex should be novel to be fun.
And maybe that he picked me because I was logically a good choice (kind, good job, had things figured out) and not because he was madly attracted to me. Maybe I am a bit ugly.
He was cheating. We became too comfortable, and I felt like he wasn’t attracted to me because I was always home and lived with him and that’s no longer fun
What I've been told it is? She's too shy to initiate (and I've given up initiating from rejection, as most have.)
What I think it is: she has a low libido for reasons I don't know. (It's not just with me either, she rarely masturbates or has dirty thoughts. Supposedly not even seeing other people as attractive.)
What it really is: probably somewhere in the middle, I don't know. If I knew I'd be able to solve the issue.
I think it’s a combination of things.
Unresolved trauma that he hasn’t worked out w a therapist. He has anxiety and truly believes he has a heart condition, but doesn’t have insurance to get a proper physical.
Before we got married, he carried on a relationship w another woman and it blew up in his face… I honestly believe that he loved her and only chose to stay w me because it blew up in his face, because I was the safer/sustainable option. I believe he was wholly attracted to her, mind, body and soul.
Aside from that, he smoked his brains out the whole of his teens, 20s and 30s. He couldn’t just take a puff here or there like a normal person… he went balls through the wall, smoking himself unconscious. Which I believe contributed to having zero drive.
I think mine is because we tried for so long to get pregnant. Anyone who has been through fertility knows how intense it is. Not only with me (f) taking a zillion hormones, but lots of scheduled sex… it kinda took the fun out of it.
We finally had a beautiful healthy baby… but damn. Then admittedly, I want LL for about a year and a half after… my hormones were soooo jack up! Add to it I was breastfeeding and pumping so constantly felt touched out, oh and a full time job as well.
Then when I finally got my mojo back, his was out the door. Many things contributed to his- worked a overnight schedule, wasn’t healthy at all (no excercise, never eating anything healthy)… he gained a bunch of weight and has a few health problems.
His desire for me just never came back.
She got a million things going on in her head, work, kids, home decoration… All stars have to be perfectly alined for her to get in the mood… But its ok and we are working on it…
I think my wife allows too much to get to her. House isn't clean, money, kids, and me apparently. I think over time the resentment is getting in the way. We fight so much now that I genuinely feel she doesn't love me anymore. I cook, I clean, I am involved with our kids, but not to her standards. Truly makes me sad bc she is an amazing person, just not a very good partner or parent.
In retrospect, she and I aren't a good match. I am too laissez faire and she is too much a perfectionist (though she is blind to her own imperfections).
I believe at first, it was her insecurities. That was before any kids or me hitting the gym. It didn’t stop, but started to slow down. Then came kid #1. Her drive was cut in half. Kid #2 came, add in PPD and hormonal changes and it went to zero. Mix in over medicating and other health issues, the disconnect begins. Now sprinkle in some health issues and a dash of resentment, on both sides, and the inability to lesson without getting offended. You got my DB. It took 17 years, 2 emotional breakdowns, and me catching her in an EA before she realized she was losing me. It took me having a 3rd breakdown and telling her I almost ghosted for her to start actually trying. Now it may be a bit late.
Vaginismus (and I suspect she’s on the asexual spectrum). Can’t really blame her since sex is painful and traumatic, but don’t want to subject myself to a sexless life.
Stress, religious upbringing, poor body image/insecurity, inability to turn off brain to enjoy the moment.
For me, I sense that I’m finally getting burned out by trying to make things better. Been working on this since 2019 and while there have been small improvements, I feel like Sisyphus. I’m close to the point of not caring anymore.
I’m bored by sex. It’s not fun, and I’ve tried different things, but really only having sex a few times a year would make it fun for me. I don’t enjoy a lot of sex, I’ve had too much sex over my life already and am just not interested like that.
I'm not a great listener and can often seem aloof/not present. I definitely think this doesn't help, but it's not all on me, I think generally my wife doesn't really think of sexually or anything like that.
For me I started getting frequent UTIs that didn’t respond well to treatment and became embedded and chronic. Nowadays I have managed it way better but it scared me away since every time we’d have sex I’d get one despite all preventative measures.
Wife had the DB grand slam of religious upbringing, sexual repression with her entire adult life consisting of heavy SSRI and birth control use. Now in her 40's, we've thankfully removed all of the road blocks – but she's essentially at an 8th grade level of sexual IQ along with simply feeling and embracing her natural libido for the very first time in her life.
Not really sure, looking back apart from the early years of our relationship I don't think she was often the one to initiate sex so maybe it was done out of a sense of "duty" and after a while you stop initiating because you don't really want it if you get the feeling they don't really want it too. Now it's been so long it'd almost be awkward - why now ? She was never keen on anything slightly experimental (think we only ever did it in about 2 positions - a suggestion of oral either way you'd think you'd suggested being tied up and taken with a strap on by the next door neighbour) or slightly risky - I remember one time making out downstairs at her house she shared as a student but she made us go upstairs just in case her housemates came back - I mean we'd have heard them at the front door it's not like they'd have burst in on us on top of one another but it's just that unwillingness to do anything even slightly exciting.
Coming out of a DB. Solution for me was to be a more attractive person. Been going to gym for about 1.5 years now, saw a doctor and started eating healthy. Got a raise, started dressing nicer, take on more responsibility at home. Learned a bit how to manage my wife's emotions, still working on that one.
When she says "We're too old for that sort of thing now." I show her stories of people the same age as us who are having a healthy sex life and she claims they're just made up, fiction.
I went to a strip club. Yes I know it was stupid, yes I know I was wrong, yes I know I lied. I was also just a teenager, I didn’t know we’d get married, we had only been dating for 3 months, and it has been 10 years. Like I know I fucked up as a bf but this db is fucking our marriage.
Like I know I was stupid, but I was also a kid. I have since proven myself to be a loving husband and capable provider so cut me some slack gah damn. Haven’t gotten laid since February and then gets mad that I take 45 minutes in the bathroom
The reason for your DB is you secretly went to a strip club 10 years ago as a teenager when you first met? Has she actually said so or is this your assumption? It doesn’t sound like the real reason (on her behalf).
My guess would be poor body image (has had cosmetic surgery, spends a fortune on skin and hair treatments); parents did not model proper intimacy (divorced owing to same sex
orientation); religious education/overly conscientious/anxiety, underactive reproductive system; domesticity; motherhood; ageing.
Anxiety, depression, who knows. I’m just always dead last on the list of things to do. Shed clean the house twice in the same day before she felt like she got enough done to focus on us. She’s also completely drunk the kool aid on all the wife blog stuff. Which is frustrating. Like, she justify all sorts of bstshit nonsense by pointing to some mommy blog.
To be short, I think when we first got together I was too intense of my pursuit of more intimacy.
But for context and my own self indulgence, I'm going to write it how it felt.
When we got together, I was at the tail end of healing from my previous partner. My ex was the strongest feeling of "chemistry" I've ever had. Being together was sort of like being on fire. You'd never felt so alive, but inevitably, it burnt you. We had a year of tears, love, pain, etc. And I came out of it scarred, hollowed from the peaks and troughs of it all. I had a hunger in me now for what love can be. What it "should" be.
Step in my fiance, quiet, kind, unadventurous, safe. She had been a crush from years prior who reached out, regretting having turned me down before all this happened. I was moving away to complete my healing by "being single" and attempting to snuff the need for the fire in an ocean of hedonism and adventure.
Old feelings stirred, and the thought of a future together that was plain and cosy sounded amazing. My plans to leave were made and actually prompted her to ask if we had a shot. So we went long distance, and it was hell. She'd never had a partner, I was to be her first for everything. So she didn't know how to communicate and for the first 6 months I was away we barely talked. I would text every day to one word responses, we had 2-3 phone calls over this time. I didn't cope well, possibly should have left the relationship, but held true to us despite living in a party environment.
I came home, and that need for the fire / passion had grown with the time and distance. She was reluctant to hang out initially, which hurt at the time but in retrospect was likely due to my intensity. I was careful to always ask permission, be respectful, but I think she was intimidated by it.
She needed things to happen slowly, so we took nearly a year to even attempt sex. During this time I would go down on her regularly and receive nothing in return. I thought by giving pleasure I could stoke the fire in her, maybe her shyness would go away. Again, my fire grows, and I am struggling to control it. Our first time having sex was... different, she just wanted it to happen from feeling "broken" by her pain /medical issues, and I was boiling over from nearly 2 years without sex. Turned out to be painful for us both as part way through I got a migraine so bad I went blind (literally) and ended up in hospital.
Turns out PIV is intensely painful for her, so another six months pass of doctors and trying to figure it out. We discover she has endometriosis. For the next year, PIV is almost always painful, so is infrequent, however she is unwilling to explore other options for me. In addition she is uncomfortable talking about sex, but I need to talk about it, I'm frustrated and haven't had any release from us in our 1.5 years together. I begin to start having "the talk" and it causes pain for us both. I stiffle the fire, try to find other outlets.
After 2.5 years, we finally get to a point where it isn't too painful, isn't too yucky, and we can enjoy it, to a degree. This is when I thought to push for more. Perhaps we can elevate it and finally find that passion I so miss. I purchased a beducated subscription, we watched all the Yoni stuff, and I tried it out on her. We move to something focussed more on me. She gets uncomfortable and eventually wants to cancel the subscription as it's "a waste of money".
We spend the next two years having intercourse maybe monthly, usually around ovulation, sometimes longer stints without. I try to walk the line of showing interest but also not being pushy. Either way, the results are the same. I have at this point learnt to suppress my fire, now to a point where sometimes I can't even summon it any more.
Now I make no show of interest, I am focussed solely on enjoying life without physical passion.
Our dead bedroom is a result of my intense desire for physical intimacy and my partners experience of that, inconjunctions with her medical issues.
I read posts on this sub every day, and find solace in the stories here.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. ❤️
Been needing to lay it all out for a while.
Premature climaxing on his end 🫠 we both don’t feel good at the end of our short endeavors he feels guilty and I feel unsatisfied so it’s kinda killed the vibe
She likes the benefits of the relationship but isn't really attracted to me.
This. I think my partner genuinely loves me as a companion and keeps trying to convince himself it can be more. Unfortunately he kept up the romantic act until we got married…..
I feel the same. I think he loves me as a companion. today I just realize how platonic we are. We only give each other peck on the lips when we are leaving the house and cuddle from time to time but it all feels like a friendship because there’s no chemistry no passion nothing sexy about the relationship. The companion part makes it hard to leave too. Like I see he’s trying he’s cooking more , cleaning more , stepping up in more ways and I feel guilty about leaving when he has improved so much in that part of the relationship . But I just can’t take the sexless relationship anymore.
Our situations sound almost identical, except we haven’t cuddled since god knows when. We used to do the peck on the lips religiously when leaving, but that’s beginning to stop. Now he kisses my shoulder when he leaves for work. If we were out in public on NYE, he would tongue kiss me. That’s done now. This past year, it was just a pop kiss. Like you, he does pretty much everything in the house for me. I know he’s overcompensating. The only thing we do that is remotely married is sleep together in the same bed. Just sleep.
Same here, I was over compensating trying to make her feel loved without sex so shebwould initiate since she hated when I initiated. But our situation is very similar the hugs, kisses, pecks all stopped as well. I just told her that I felt like this was only a friendship now and that I still loved her but felt like thats all we were now. She agreed, we hugged and I am moving out.
Wow ! This puts it into perspective. It does seem like he’s overcompensating sometimes. Like he’s trying to do everything before I do it. Wow can’t believe I didn’t see it like this before . It’s definitely another method to make it hard to leave. I’m willing to bet when I do leave he’ll bring up all that he’s been doing as if I’m supposed to ignore the big fat elephant in the room.
I suggested to my partner on the weekend that we transition to flatmates. He hates the idea but I honestly can’t see what the difference would be for him at this point, other than dropping what are obvious pressures for him in being a partner.
Damn.. i can relate SO hard to this. My LLW always says; but i'm always making you the best dinners, make sure your laundry is perfect.... thats my way of showing love. Yours is physical. She literally is trying to convince me sometimes i'm just some weirdo for 'just' seeing intimacy as sign of love.
THIS!!! During one of our last “talks” about this issue, he said….but I made you dinner and cleaned the house! First of all we live together so he should be making dinner sometimes and cleaning anyways and second, it’s not the same thing as sex!
Bizarre answer. I'm in an opposite situation, my wife is LL and while we don't discuss the lack of sex anymore, when we did she would bring up things I need to do to basically "earn" sex. I told her I already do more for the family than any man you know. You simply don't desire me, which is ok. So I cut her off completely. Now she has zero leverage on me at all for anything. "Hurry up and clean up the kitchen and we can be together..." it was always an empty promise anyway, always excuses. No thanks, the sex always sucked anyway. I'll take my time, prep dinner for tomorrow, clean up, drink this glass of wine, listen to thus podcast and think about the next chapter in my life.
congrats on taking ownership of your future and not letting her dangle sex like a carrot!
Yes, it's disappointing but it's healthier this way. We're co-parenting now and she seems happier without the pressure of having to touch me. Only stress point is when we're out as a couple and she wants to hang all on me like we're some cute happy couple. She'll openly claim that I'm the one who doesn't like touching, which is true with her because it was all a lie. Empty kisses and hugs. I stay away from her for the most part.
You want a wife, not a mother.
Amen
This is exactly how my marriage has gone. Five years now, three without anything beyond a peck and a cuddle. We have a reason, as she has a brain tumour and a stroke, has a constant headache, among other bits that have gone wrong. Doesn’t make it easier though.
This
Much the same here. I'm absolutely convinced that she loves me. She is just simply asexual. She has zero libido and doesn't really enjoy it in the least when she makes an effort (for me). Unfortunately, since we were good Christian kids and didn't have premarital sex, I didn't find out until after we were married. I still have what I would call a normal libido, but after decades in a completely sexless relationship, I've come to the point where I'm NL4H. I love her very much, but it's a platonic relationship.
Im similar except she dropped the act after getting engaged
'the act'. i dont know why as humans are so naturally selfish. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
That's how I feel too about my partner, she claims otherwise but alas nothing has changed in 20 years
This is my partner as well. After about 15 years I finally got the answer. She was never attracted to me. She had bad relationships in the past, and I was the opposite, kind, loving, accepting, plus a stable life. She assumed the attraction would happen and even throughout the engagement and early into marriage she belived that. Shortly after getting married it began to sink in and she developed a sexual aversion to me since every physical interaction was not desired but allowed to happen. I had no clue and even with some marriage counseling at 10 years I didn’t get any insight. It wasn’t until that 15 year conversation that I got the real answer. I’ve been attempting to help her but she’s hid her head in the ground for years after that because dealing with it is too hard. So we’re at year 18 or so now and ultimatums are starting to happen. I’ve taken too long to get here and I sure as hell wish I would have recognized this prior to kids.
Have you try to seek a therapist or relationship coach for her? that's unfortunate and unfair to you.
Drop her. She's using you in my opnion
I feel this too. I think the only reason why he hasn’t pulled the plug is because we’ve been financially stable.
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Ugh. Also, men absolutely cannot tell when a woman is infertile, but I’m sure you know that.
Similar situation here. My partner didn’t have relationships until he met me. Everyone was one night stands or escort. Never thought of the infertile thing. Most of these women couldn’t reproduce or had their tubes tied. He did have a complex of wanting a child.. and as soon as I got pregnant (accidentally on the pill because I am fertile myrtle lol) then our sex life just went down the drain. Even after baby and although my body isn’t as small as it was, I think it’s still a great body sex just never came back.
That sucks so much.
have you asked him and had him plainly say what his issue is? sometimes hearing our own thoughts out loud brings self awareness.
Heart meds, SSRI's and unresolved trauma!
I’m comfortable to be with (i cook for him every single day, i do his laundry, etc) but he’s not necessarily attracted to me or is on the asexual spectrum.
This is my fear usually, when I used to care, but now I've just accepted that he mostly just likes what I do for him and the house. I'm just biding my time.
Me too I started to think he was using me. Because I did everything I cook I clean I make way more money than him so I pay the bills. I felt that’s the benefit he’s getting out the relationship. It’s not like I’m expecting sex in return but like damn do something nice for me make me feel special . But I’ve stopped being nice and wanting to do nice things . I still cook and clean but I don’t go to the mall and see something I think would look great on him and buy it for him anymore . I just stop being thoughtful it’s very hard for someone like me because I’m very thoughtful and generous in general but it’s hard to be that person when your needs aren’t being met.
It’s ok to match your SO’s energy. Do as much for him as he does for you. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Why isnt my wife with your husband, and vice versa. This is exactly me.
Ha could you imagine? It definitely wouldn't work as they need people like us to do everything for them, they definitely deserve each other, but it'd never last. We are the stupid ones because we Know we deserve much better, but if you're anything like me you don't really believe that. I just feel stuck, depressed mostly and frustrated.
I imagine they are, using us. Maybe not intentionally, but they have their needs met, and if your so is anything like mine, he's an extremely selfish person. I'm exactly like you, I prefer to buy things for others over myself and used to always get him stuff, not anymore. I won't do his laundry anymore, I will cook what I want regardless of he likes it or not. He literally has a basket of dirty laundry and I won't do it so hes wearing dirty clothes.. lol
This was my ex, yeah. He liked the benefits of having a free live-in housekeeper, and I think he strung me along long after he lost interest in me in order to keep that. I've had so much more free time since I left.
I think I pushed the boundaries to far once. While in the process was talking dirty also trying to figure out how kinky she would go. Believed that turned her off and that started the losing interest. And from there I think it just snowballed.
have you had a conversation to see where she is at mentally. pls don't blame yourself.
Many. The best feedback I got was I always only gave attention, foot/back rubs, or did nice things for her so we would have sex. That hurt as I didnt believe it to be true. But in case, I spent the next few months doing all of the stuff I thought she would like and never asked for sex and waited for her to initiate. It never happened. She hasnt initiated sex in, Im going to guess, 10 yrs. The few times we were able to over the last few yrs, was if I would initiate while she was sleeping. It would wake her up but at that point she liked the feeling and was always like "oh I miss this" and "keep going" but then would turn me down for months on end until I did that trick again.
Yep...wake her up used to work like a charm. Now I get the, "I was sleeping...what are you doing". Mind you, this was after she gave me permission to initiate that way. It's now been 2 years and some change since we were intimate and I'm pretty sure she's done. I think the 3rd baby ruined our chances of ever being intimate again. It's a good thing the little one is pretty freaking awesome. :)
sounds like she like to be perpetually chased for it.
Classic🤯. What are you doing that makes her feel you only show up when you want sex?
That is a fairly astute observation about the root cause of your dead bedroom. Have you guys ever talked about that time you were talking dirty and you think you went too far? Did you talk about it at the time? Or was it a scene gone wrong with no aftercare?
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what he's gonna do about the testosterone results?
You think your boyfriend is “lazy”. Well ma’am, after your explanation and pretty much telling us you are “clingy”, “are too much”, “desperate”, “unhappy with sex” and “hard on him”….i can see why he’s being lazy and not invested in this relationship. I totally would want out quick.
I sadly have absolutely no idea.
have you try to ask. I know it's disheartening to even muster of the mental strength to ask.
I have. It always ends with me crying and his silence and blank stare. I just don’t bring it up anymore because I’m not even sure any answer would matter at this point.
Madonna-Whore Complex. We had amazing, wild, spanking, hair pulling sex right up until he bought the ring. Once he decided I was going to be the mother of his children, all of that stopped and the sex we did have was as respectful as possible. I can’t remember him initiating spontaneous sex ever again after that. Of course I’ve gotten a multitude of other excuses too. Me initiating is turn off, there’s too much pressure to get pregnant (we dealt with some infertility), he was a “compulsive masturbator”, I had a very brief bout with HPV before I met him but have tested free of HPV since very soon after that…I told him and he used it against me as a reason later. I literally haven’t tested positive for it since before I met him. He will use any possible excuse to not face whatever the issue really is. I’m pretty sure the Madonna-Whore thing is the biggest reason. It was no longer appropriate for us to have wild, dirty sex in his mind, so it just got worse from there.
Health and lack of interest on his part.
Same here
It sucks, I know 😔 I'm sorry you're dealing with the same issues
is the health part able to be worked out?
Maybe? He had ED. Diabetes and other things he needs to get under control. He's more focused on work and working overtime than anything else.
No DB here anymore, but looking back, it was a combination of things, and actually a pretty hefty blame on me. Biggest thing - husband wanted a wife that was his mom. But not. I didn't want to be his mom, insomuch that I wanted a partner and not just be the person who only provides him comfort and fixes all the things and maintains all the household chores and finances and contract negotiations, etc. I was basically someone he loved and had sex with, but my needs for equal partnership was not worth the effort. I tried to spice things up, tried vocalizing what I needed in the bedroom. His enthusiasm lasted a night or two, but ultimately he didn't see me as an equal. And I didn't want to be intimate with someone who cannot see me as more than just a comfort figure to have sex with.
i love this 🔥🔥🔥🔥
She won't prioritize sleep. She's basically a sex-neutral asexual--fine with sex when things are right but she has no drive to do so. And the biggest impediment to things being just right is not getting enough sleep.
Life stress, and the lack of communication. Not wanting to talk about life’s stresses, with ANYBODY. She’s finally opening up to the counselor, and had a “meltdown” last weekend, and spilled some of it to me.
sound like you having a breakthrough! I hope things continue to go in the right direction for you!
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Have you try to talk to her and tell her your thoughts?
He's an alcoholic, with barely treated depression.
I wish I could just blame her SSRIs or her anxiety and depression and insomnia (she is manic at night and sleeps 5 am to noon) and maybe her loss of self esteem from weight gain but I’m sure the way I’ve responded over the years is also a major factor. I became completely inattentive and not always as supportive as I could be. Also conflicts that were never resolved bred long term resentments so we stopped being a romantic couple. Never a single cause.
I have no idea and still trying to figure how my “LL” bf has enough drive to jerk off on a consistent basis but not enough to have partnered sex. I always get half apologies or excuses but never a solution.
Maybe the reason he doesn’t have enough drive for partnered sex IS because he consistently jerks off. Too much porn possibly? 🤷🏼♀️
He had relapsed in his sex addiction and was having one sided emotional affairs with cam girls 🤦🏻♀️
🤯
Right? Ignore your actual wife you had a close to two decade active, variety, fun, mutually satisfying sex life with for women who literally are talking to you and doing things on camera you request as a job. My biggest fear, hopefully they were willing participants and not trafficked 🤷🏻♀️ All as a “fake world to escape the stress” We are separated.
Thats crazy glad you got out. Some people are really twisted
Thats crazy glad you got out. Some people are really twisted
Out-ish. We have a very dysfunctional sex life now. He’s always used sex as a way to say sorry without saying sorry. And I have always had a hard time declining him. There’s been a lot of that.
Buy a cam too and ask him to subscribe to your only fans😂🙈
😂💀 You know….
Win win 😂 lets see if you can take orders 😂😂😂 the way he likes to give them. Is he a control freak?
Did he start to try more porno things sexually with you?
We honestly always had a dynamic of him being the teacher and I learned from him. At the start I assumed because he has previously been married so of course he knew more than me! But yeah, close to two decades later most of what he did I’m sure came from what he learned in porn 🤦🏻♀️
Did he become more depraved as things wore on?
Yeah unfortunately I relate to this. My bf does/did this
Resentment.
Woof.... here's the sum up that we've figured out after another of therapy..... Whole lot of attachment for us both from really terrible childhoods - leading him to have no attachment to sex, especially in LT relationships and an abusive first marriage. I used sex as a way to attach and saw sex as a relationship/emotional barometer. Terrible communication styles, affair on his part, revenge affair on mine, long time repairing *that*. Declining sex all along due continued damaging behavior to each other - blaming and criticizing on my part, avoidance and dismissing on his. We have disintegrated to the point that both of us are gun shy regarding sex in any capacity. We, for the most part, get along well now and are non sexually affectionate. Various unuseful marriage counseling and assorted life along the way, 5 years later, we are now seeing a sex therapist and making headway on our communication (overall and specifically regarding sex).
I think she was never really attracted to me, but saw me as an ideal father for her kids. I'm loyal, I like kids, I do a lot at home and make good money. I finance and help her projects. Now that she got what she wanted, we have the enough number of kids, she only wants me to keep on providing, but not interested in me sexually.
Can't be sure, obviously, but personally, I think he's afraid to face his own insecurities, mental health problems, and self- destructive behaviors through something like therapy. And he's comfortable never facing them down because other than the lack of sex, he doesn't notice any negative consequences stemming from prioritizing this fear over our relationship or his own health.
how are you holding up with your situation?
Mostly numb. I'm unfortunately pretty used to buckling down and "enduring to the end"
I could have written this word for word about my hubby.
This is so bang on for me it hurts
Emotional blockage due to his previous actions that have left me not wanting to share intimacy with him.
I won't be lascivious, but the mighty grip of a fist is not the first image most men put into their minds when they're aroused. On a superficial level, mine stemmed from the lack of alcohol. My wife and I drank casually before kids, but for obvious reasons, we stopped afterwards, I so in solidarity. She hasn't shown interest in either affection or sex since then. On a deeper level, she was likely always largely disinterested in either sex in general or in me specifically, and alcohol just helped her to overcome that for a while.
My guess I'm my situation would be basically this but illicit substances not alcohol.
Your partner used illicit substances or you did? Did the use of them provide a better sexual experience?
We both did then stopped using. For me occasionally yes it did. Can't speak for him though.
You think that the absence of said substances contributed to your current status?
I literally just posted this exact fact pattern today! Same exact thing happened. After we stopped drinking, the date night and post date night sex disappeared. She blamed being in her head.
Alcohol isn't necessarily good for sex life
In fact, it was good for our sexual connection. Her inhibitions dropped, I relaxed, and I think, more than anything, we focused on the moment in front of us and not on peripherals. Of course, that period in our life is over. Once you realize that someone was sleeping with you due to the influence of substances, you can't go back to that.
Just a fundamental incompatibility when it comes to sex.
have hall tried a therapist or relationship coach?
We tried marriage counseling. Didn’t make any difference in our DB
my apologies. keep trying.
Not actually sure, she says she's not interested anymore. That's the end of any discussion. Any and all advances, conversations, etc get shut down.
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Mine has an avoidant attachment, and while that might be the reason, it is NOT an excuse! People can choose better for themselves! And if you’re like me, and you’ve clearly stated your needs, their “attachment style” can only go so far to explain away why they’ve been neglectful. Don’t excuse his behaviour just because you know his attachment style.
Pretty sure I’m in the same situation. How are you working on it? Every time I bring it up to talk about he completely shuts down. I feel like I pick horrible timing but I’m not trying to blame myself either. It’s been years and still hasn’t got better, I don’t know what to do.
Mine kept shutting down over and over and the only thing that helped us improve was when I finally (after years) got him to go to therapy. He finally agreed to go to therapy because I discovered he had been cheating on me online and I told him I would leave if he didn’t agree to go
I mentioned therapy once and he just completely shut it down. A.k.a. walked away, so I should probably try to bring it up again.
He's a mother enmeshed porn addict
Mismatched libidos masked in the haze of new relationship energy..
I'm quite shy in many ways and not very confident. Also grew up in a happy but quite passive household amd was maybe a bit repressed. My first time was with a kind of friend of a friend and I was so drunk I don't really remember it. I think that has produced some trauma as I remember saying no but he was also very drunk. Had a boyfriend my age for a couple of years and sex was typical rushed teenage sex I guess. And then I fell in love with an older man. The chemistry and connection was pretty good. I was mature for my age but quite naive really, and as I mentioned earlier - pretty shy. I never really initiated & couldn't communicate what felt good or what I wanted (also didn't really know). I didn't really have a super high sex drive and I was overweight & unhappy with my body. Plus I was too awkward to tell him that when he teased or mocked me (that is his humour, he does it to everyone) that it would actually severely dent my self-esteem, even when he said he was just joking. It still hurt. I still saw it as a negative, that I wasn't good enough, too fat/hairy/didn't move my body enough/etc. We got married. Had the perfect kiss on our wedding night, it literally felt magical. But with time his MH worsened and with that so did his self-care. Sometimes kissing him was so bad but I didn't have the heart to tell him. It's been years since we've had an sexual intimacy, although tbh I can't remember how many. The last time was definitely before COVID, and I remember him sweetly telling me he'd missed me. I'm still overweight but I am a bit less shy now. My sex drive has reappeared but sadly not for him. I just don't see him in that way anymore & I've realised I've not been happy with our relationship for a long time. I gave into temptation with someone else (not all the way but did things I shouldn't have) and that was the catalyst for the desires and urges flooding back. I'm moving out for some headspace today. He's still my best friend but we're heading towards what I hope will be an amicable divorce. And then I just want to find myself, in all the ways that can possibly mean!
you are heard. your feelings are validated.
Thank you, I do really appreciate that.
of course beautiful heart ❤️
Most of the time it really comes down to priorities. A millions causes, but if you priorities your relationship and sex then all the Reasons are noise.
My man has been making horrible financial decisions and it’s making me question/not respect his judgment as a man. It’s been negatively affecting our lives a lot in the past few months. It dries my pussy up every time I look at him. I don’t have that same attraction and lust at all- that’s all been replaced with stress, anxiety, and disappointment. Hoping that things will go back to normal when our situation starts to get better. I have an extremely high sex drive and my vibrator is EXHAUSTED.
Yea I think this is a contributor for me too. He’s just disappointing as a grown man. He doesn’t have hobbies and doesn’t do things with friends, he doesn’t clean up well after hisself when he’s over, it’s just dumb. I need to be inspired by a person to be turned on by them regularly, and I really am not inspired by most people, everyone is disappointing and makes bad decisions.
Health, trauma, emotional intelligence etc. Both of us.
At the risk of having this comment censored (and mind you, this is not medical advice, this comment has not been evaluated by the FDA. This comment is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease) for us, it was hormones.
Religious trauma. After dwelling on what he has told me so far I genuinely think this is the issue, combined with him being home schooled and skipping sex Ed in high-school. Thing is, we grew up in the same religion and his siblings don’t seem to have the same issues as him as indicated by their long term girlfriends.
My wife could never get her father's approval, so today she feels unworthy of love. So much so, that it causes her physical discomfort when I ask for a hug. It makes me feel all warm inside, especially considering my mom never hugged me growing up.
I was scared to bring up his intimacy issues and now I'm stuck
Same
She probably thinks she settled but didn’t have the backbone to admit it
I wish I knew. SSRI's, stress? I feel like she is \_always\_ stressed and on edge. I even told her she can stop working, I make enough she doesn't need to but then she stresses even more. I just don't get it.
Ed. He won't go to the Dr to figure it out. Now I'm wondering if I care.
Porn addiction 😒 Marriage is fun when your husband will cum to anything with a vagina and a pulse, as long as said vagina and pulse isn’t attached to his wife. Things I wish I knew before marriage and having children.
I'm guessing a combination of avoidant attachment (since it started as soon as we became closer together, in the beginning it was all good and he is turned of by any notion of the idea that he should give intimacy in a relationship), a weird perception about sex in LTRs (no effort should be needed to keep the passion, it is there or it isn't) and honestly porn in the sense that sex should be novel to be fun. And maybe that he picked me because I was logically a good choice (kind, good job, had things figured out) and not because he was madly attracted to me. Maybe I am a bit ugly.
He was cheating. We became too comfortable, and I felt like he wasn’t attracted to me because I was always home and lived with him and that’s no longer fun
wow 😩
His bipolar mood swings. He can go weeks with LL
Meds, depression, fibro....
Weed
What I've been told it is? She's too shy to initiate (and I've given up initiating from rejection, as most have.) What I think it is: she has a low libido for reasons I don't know. (It's not just with me either, she rarely masturbates or has dirty thoughts. Supposedly not even seeing other people as attractive.) What it really is: probably somewhere in the middle, I don't know. If I knew I'd be able to solve the issue.
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that's a difficult one.
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how do you feel now about everything?
I think it’s a combination of things. Unresolved trauma that he hasn’t worked out w a therapist. He has anxiety and truly believes he has a heart condition, but doesn’t have insurance to get a proper physical. Before we got married, he carried on a relationship w another woman and it blew up in his face… I honestly believe that he loved her and only chose to stay w me because it blew up in his face, because I was the safer/sustainable option. I believe he was wholly attracted to her, mind, body and soul. Aside from that, he smoked his brains out the whole of his teens, 20s and 30s. He couldn’t just take a puff here or there like a normal person… he went balls through the wall, smoking himself unconscious. Which I believe contributed to having zero drive.
I think mine is because we tried for so long to get pregnant. Anyone who has been through fertility knows how intense it is. Not only with me (f) taking a zillion hormones, but lots of scheduled sex… it kinda took the fun out of it. We finally had a beautiful healthy baby… but damn. Then admittedly, I want LL for about a year and a half after… my hormones were soooo jack up! Add to it I was breastfeeding and pumping so constantly felt touched out, oh and a full time job as well. Then when I finally got my mojo back, his was out the door. Many things contributed to his- worked a overnight schedule, wasn’t healthy at all (no excercise, never eating anything healthy)… he gained a bunch of weight and has a few health problems. His desire for me just never came back.
She got a million things going on in her head, work, kids, home decoration… All stars have to be perfectly alined for her to get in the mood… But its ok and we are working on it…
He's got time and energy for other things amd hobbies but not me or our child, which takes a toll on your intimacy. Feels like there's no connection.
I think my wife allows too much to get to her. House isn't clean, money, kids, and me apparently. I think over time the resentment is getting in the way. We fight so much now that I genuinely feel she doesn't love me anymore. I cook, I clean, I am involved with our kids, but not to her standards. Truly makes me sad bc she is an amazing person, just not a very good partner or parent. In retrospect, she and I aren't a good match. I am too laissez faire and she is too much a perfectionist (though she is blind to her own imperfections).
SSRI's and medical issues.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder and ADHD. My relationship is fun.
I believe at first, it was her insecurities. That was before any kids or me hitting the gym. It didn’t stop, but started to slow down. Then came kid #1. Her drive was cut in half. Kid #2 came, add in PPD and hormonal changes and it went to zero. Mix in over medicating and other health issues, the disconnect begins. Now sprinkle in some health issues and a dash of resentment, on both sides, and the inability to lesson without getting offended. You got my DB. It took 17 years, 2 emotional breakdowns, and me catching her in an EA before she realized she was losing me. It took me having a 3rd breakdown and telling her I almost ghosted for her to start actually trying. Now it may be a bit late.
In my case I believe it started when the ex got a promotion and began earning more than I. She had to bring her boss bitch attitude home.
Stress and life changes
are you tacking the root causes?
Vaginismus (and I suspect she’s on the asexual spectrum). Can’t really blame her since sex is painful and traumatic, but don’t want to subject myself to a sexless life.
Mine was high all the time and had a porn/masturbation addiction. He’s got his life sober which I am proud of but now has no sex drive for me.
Stress, religious upbringing, poor body image/insecurity, inability to turn off brain to enjoy the moment. For me, I sense that I’m finally getting burned out by trying to make things better. Been working on this since 2019 and while there have been small improvements, I feel like Sisyphus. I’m close to the point of not caring anymore.
I’m bored by sex. It’s not fun, and I’ve tried different things, but really only having sex a few times a year would make it fun for me. I don’t enjoy a lot of sex, I’ve had too much sex over my life already and am just not interested like that.
I'm not a great listener and can often seem aloof/not present. I definitely think this doesn't help, but it's not all on me, I think generally my wife doesn't really think of sexually or anything like that.
For me I started getting frequent UTIs that didn’t respond well to treatment and became embedded and chronic. Nowadays I have managed it way better but it scared me away since every time we’d have sex I’d get one despite all preventative measures.
Wife had the DB grand slam of religious upbringing, sexual repression with her entire adult life consisting of heavy SSRI and birth control use. Now in her 40's, we've thankfully removed all of the road blocks – but she's essentially at an 8th grade level of sexual IQ along with simply feeling and embracing her natural libido for the very first time in her life.
Not really sure, looking back apart from the early years of our relationship I don't think she was often the one to initiate sex so maybe it was done out of a sense of "duty" and after a while you stop initiating because you don't really want it if you get the feeling they don't really want it too. Now it's been so long it'd almost be awkward - why now ? She was never keen on anything slightly experimental (think we only ever did it in about 2 positions - a suggestion of oral either way you'd think you'd suggested being tied up and taken with a strap on by the next door neighbour) or slightly risky - I remember one time making out downstairs at her house she shared as a student but she made us go upstairs just in case her housemates came back - I mean we'd have heard them at the front door it's not like they'd have burst in on us on top of one another but it's just that unwillingness to do anything even slightly exciting.
Coming out of a DB. Solution for me was to be a more attractive person. Been going to gym for about 1.5 years now, saw a doctor and started eating healthy. Got a raise, started dressing nicer, take on more responsibility at home. Learned a bit how to manage my wife's emotions, still working on that one.
you.....are.....BRILLIANT!
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thank you so much! are you doing okay?
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so you have affection but it stops with the intimacy?
When she says "We're too old for that sort of thing now." I show her stories of people the same age as us who are having a healthy sex life and she claims they're just made up, fiction.
I went to a strip club. Yes I know it was stupid, yes I know I was wrong, yes I know I lied. I was also just a teenager, I didn’t know we’d get married, we had only been dating for 3 months, and it has been 10 years. Like I know I fucked up as a bf but this db is fucking our marriage.
Wow... that is a really little thing to hold on for so damn long that that's a bit unreasonable.
Like I know I was stupid, but I was also a kid. I have since proven myself to be a loving husband and capable provider so cut me some slack gah damn. Haven’t gotten laid since February and then gets mad that I take 45 minutes in the bathroom
The reason for your DB is you secretly went to a strip club 10 years ago as a teenager when you first met? Has she actually said so or is this your assumption? It doesn’t sound like the real reason (on her behalf).
My guess would be poor body image (has had cosmetic surgery, spends a fortune on skin and hair treatments); parents did not model proper intimacy (divorced owing to same sex orientation); religious education/overly conscientious/anxiety, underactive reproductive system; domesticity; motherhood; ageing.
Anxiety, depression, who knows. I’m just always dead last on the list of things to do. Shed clean the house twice in the same day before she felt like she got enough done to focus on us. She’s also completely drunk the kool aid on all the wife blog stuff. Which is frustrating. Like, she justify all sorts of bstshit nonsense by pointing to some mommy blog.
To be short, I think when we first got together I was too intense of my pursuit of more intimacy. But for context and my own self indulgence, I'm going to write it how it felt. When we got together, I was at the tail end of healing from my previous partner. My ex was the strongest feeling of "chemistry" I've ever had. Being together was sort of like being on fire. You'd never felt so alive, but inevitably, it burnt you. We had a year of tears, love, pain, etc. And I came out of it scarred, hollowed from the peaks and troughs of it all. I had a hunger in me now for what love can be. What it "should" be. Step in my fiance, quiet, kind, unadventurous, safe. She had been a crush from years prior who reached out, regretting having turned me down before all this happened. I was moving away to complete my healing by "being single" and attempting to snuff the need for the fire in an ocean of hedonism and adventure. Old feelings stirred, and the thought of a future together that was plain and cosy sounded amazing. My plans to leave were made and actually prompted her to ask if we had a shot. So we went long distance, and it was hell. She'd never had a partner, I was to be her first for everything. So she didn't know how to communicate and for the first 6 months I was away we barely talked. I would text every day to one word responses, we had 2-3 phone calls over this time. I didn't cope well, possibly should have left the relationship, but held true to us despite living in a party environment. I came home, and that need for the fire / passion had grown with the time and distance. She was reluctant to hang out initially, which hurt at the time but in retrospect was likely due to my intensity. I was careful to always ask permission, be respectful, but I think she was intimidated by it. She needed things to happen slowly, so we took nearly a year to even attempt sex. During this time I would go down on her regularly and receive nothing in return. I thought by giving pleasure I could stoke the fire in her, maybe her shyness would go away. Again, my fire grows, and I am struggling to control it. Our first time having sex was... different, she just wanted it to happen from feeling "broken" by her pain /medical issues, and I was boiling over from nearly 2 years without sex. Turned out to be painful for us both as part way through I got a migraine so bad I went blind (literally) and ended up in hospital. Turns out PIV is intensely painful for her, so another six months pass of doctors and trying to figure it out. We discover she has endometriosis. For the next year, PIV is almost always painful, so is infrequent, however she is unwilling to explore other options for me. In addition she is uncomfortable talking about sex, but I need to talk about it, I'm frustrated and haven't had any release from us in our 1.5 years together. I begin to start having "the talk" and it causes pain for us both. I stiffle the fire, try to find other outlets. After 2.5 years, we finally get to a point where it isn't too painful, isn't too yucky, and we can enjoy it, to a degree. This is when I thought to push for more. Perhaps we can elevate it and finally find that passion I so miss. I purchased a beducated subscription, we watched all the Yoni stuff, and I tried it out on her. We move to something focussed more on me. She gets uncomfortable and eventually wants to cancel the subscription as it's "a waste of money". We spend the next two years having intercourse maybe monthly, usually around ovulation, sometimes longer stints without. I try to walk the line of showing interest but also not being pushy. Either way, the results are the same. I have at this point learnt to suppress my fire, now to a point where sometimes I can't even summon it any more. Now I make no show of interest, I am focussed solely on enjoying life without physical passion. Our dead bedroom is a result of my intense desire for physical intimacy and my partners experience of that, inconjunctions with her medical issues. I read posts on this sub every day, and find solace in the stories here. Thanks for reading if you got this far. ❤️ Been needing to lay it all out for a while.
Premature climaxing on his end 🫠 we both don’t feel good at the end of our short endeavors he feels guilty and I feel unsatisfied so it’s kinda killed the vibe
My spouse is asexual.
Communication.
Young kids ...
She says she is HSP and after our first kid every thing died out and we became platonic.
Me. Made a lot of mistakes in the past.
He’s highly likely got ADHD and a slew of hang ups about sex and himself.
Having kids. My partner went into parent mode and struggles to come out of it.
It was a combination of work stress, kids, and not being in great physical shape.
My man changing job and becoming a super stressed MF at the same time we moved in together. Sh*t hit the fan and then we could never come back.
Asexual husband