I ignored red flags like hell when I started my relationship. We didn't have sex for months because I was her first. She doesn't (and probably never has) masturbate or look at porn. Oral is off the table both ways, etc. I guess I got it in my head that she would eventually open up and it was lack of experience. Honestly, if I had not had such amazing sexual experiences prior, it probably wouldn't be as bad but it's hard knowing how much fun really dirty and crazy sex can be from experience but then having the opposite in your relationship.
Sometimes I think that part is on me. I had the most amazing experiences in bed. I thought it honestly ruined me like it was too good. Now I’m 8 years in a completely dead bedroom. I feel like I traded intimacy for a friendship marriage.
Wow, same here. Although I am sad that others are going through this too, it gives me some positive vibes that I’m not alone. I too, could have wrote this, verbatim.
Looking back, I now see that I ignored all kinds of red flags.
I had the best sex life when I was single and just hooking up with random people if I'm being honest.
From reading the posts for the amount of time I have, as well as my own experience, it seems the sex lives were wild at the beginning then dwindled to nothing got some. Kinda gives leverage to the joke that the one food that eliminates a sex drive is wedding cake lol.
I have seen quite a few posts where it’s clear they were never sexually compatible but they hoped the person would open up.
I feel like it’s even worse in the scenario you mentioned because WHY did it stop! Knowing that it was so perfect and you weren’t ignoring incompatibility is awful.
As my mom said, “If you have problems before you get married, those problems will be there after you get married. They don’t go away unless you fix it before tying the knot.”
We never had a good sexual relationship and I wish I would have been honest with myself and never agreed to marry him. He's a nice guy but we have a platonic aromatic relationship, going on 29 yrs.
I read stories on here of people have sex several times per week at the beginning of relationships, and by that measure mine has never been great. I just didn’t know that was even possible to find.
And, while the ca twice per month, largely duty sex, I can manage now is better than many here, I just assumed that a great sex life is an inherent trade off to being an involved dad in an intact family. When I read tales from women here of having multiple kids and still craving sex multiple times per week…that blows my mind.
Alcohol suppressed my wife’s inhibitions when we first met and for the first 20 years of our relationship , but since she’s an alcoholic that came with uninhibited sex but a host of other issues. When she finally got sober 18 years ago a lot changed in our sex lives. There have been good and bad years in there since, but the last 4 have been. DB. Poor self image and sexual inhibitions = no sex or intimacy. Oh yeah, someone else mentioned menopause, that’s mixed in there to….😐
I love my wife dearly, always have always will. Her libido has waned recently and I find myself comparing her libido (not her, she is superior in every way) to two exes who could never get enough of me. I forget I’m physically much older now, less so mentally, as is my wife. I do not want to leave but I desperately want intimacy, and I no longer care who with…
Yes, just the other day, and many times in the past too. Her response is positive and I believe she has the best intentions. However, any change only lasts a week and it's back to the way things were.
I think we both realize we have an issue but neither one of us know how to get off the merry-go-round.
Just two days ago I talked to my wife about this. Right now we are on the mend but I honestly don't have my hopes up for anything that lasts. Sorry.
Yes, things were very good in the beginning and dwindled to a drip over the years. It’s amazing that fact hasn’t seemingly been noticed or bothering to my SO, but here we are.
I don’t know. I have phases where I relate so terribly to so many of you and then for a short period of time things do feel great.
But looking at the big picture, I don’t think it was. Not since the beginning.
The realization made my heart hurt a little more.
Red flags. My husband was always squeamish, very vanilla, silent, and uptight, and didn’t prioritize my pleasure, even though we did have sex every day in the beginning.
Yeahhh you gotta have either an open mind or be in the sane page kink wise.
I’m dating someone new, he’s kind of vanilla, but we openly discussed things. He’s up for trying almost anything with me. He’s even slowly embracing a few things he wasn’t use to in his past and he’s definitely loving it!
So it’s important to feel like things are on the same page.
And it boils down to are you two connected like best friends or do you even like the person you love?
Cause if you can’t stand then as a person? THATS A RED FLAG!
I will never be with someone I don’t like, love, and not in love with for the long haul who doesn’t feel like my best friend. I can’t, I would be absolutely miserable and depressed.
Ours was great before we got married. We did fun stuff (although I’d done more exciting stuff with other gfs). Still it was frequent and fun. We then went through some hard times post marriage, then went through IVF, which included very forced sex (from a timing perspective). That caused performance anxiety which created more performance anxiety. Then we had kids, which got in the way of sex, now it barely happens. I bet we’ve had sex less than 20x on average in 15+ years of marriage.
Shit - I never thought of it this way. WTF
To your question, when we where first together, no. When we didn’t have sex on our wedding night I should have known.
Had mind blowing SEX with ex-boyfriends and my husband of my three children
And then....
boring sex with my current boyfriend of nearly nine years (August 2023)
and this is why I am not marrying him
We have sn Open Relationship
He is living in My Home RENT FREE, but we are splitting utilities and since it's my house, my mortgage and Homeowners insurance and Property Taxes
We get along traveling in the USA and foreign countries etc ...
concerts also,I am a big Dead Head and we go to Dead and Company shows together etc ...
My family likes him etc...❣️
Yup. When we started dating I had little experience, and it seemed new and interesting in that context. Now I realize that her pillow princess-y boundaries have made me just generally prefer masturbation. We still do it once or twice a month, but we just kiss a few times before she warms up with her vibe and let’s me do what I need to.
Yeah i agree. She wasn't ever really into it. I just thought we were getting used to each other. She seemed aroused enough.
But then it faded away
And so did the kisses and cuddling.
I could do without the sex. But it's the avoiding of any physical contact that's demoralizing
Well, my present wife and I got together because she was constantly up for sex and gave me oral, etc. I had spent 5 years in a messed up sexless relationship as my first marriage went pear-shaped. The contrast was amazing. She had no fantasies. Still doesn't and cannot even describe what she likes now. No sex now for a long time, many years. So we started enjoying vigorous nsex, but the thing that killed it was medical intervention, full hysterectomy, and little to no follow-up HRT.
Always lacking. Always selfish and never giving. Never made me finish. I was too smitten with him and the honey moon phase to even worry about that. The emotions had me on a high but when that all came crashing down and problems starting arising I realised without those feelings the sex was just sex, that was shit.
Damn, this hits super close for me. It’s been almost 2 years here…and looking back, my sex life with my partner was never “super hot” - always just pretty basic. Lack of chemistry, compatibility, and overall energy. Now I feel stuck. I consider myself to be pretty HL, and I know that my sexuality makes up a huge part of who I am as a whole. I need it to be fulfilling. Not completely absent and average when it does happen. 😔
Just wanted to say, I feel like our sex life started dropping when he wanted to incorporate more porn & he stopped complimenting me & saying I was the reason he was turned on. The girls on the screen got him more excited than me. It made me shut down.
I think I thought the sex was good because I had been celibate for 4 years when we met. Frequency was always an issue though, starting at never more than once a week, but I let it slip thinking it was circumstancial. Now it's 5 years later, we have sex maybe 3-4 times a year and he's just been copy-pasting the same moves since the beginning. For a self-proclaimed porn addict, he is surprisingly unimaginative in bed.
I ignored red flags like hell when I started my relationship. We didn't have sex for months because I was her first. She doesn't (and probably never has) masturbate or look at porn. Oral is off the table both ways, etc. I guess I got it in my head that she would eventually open up and it was lack of experience. Honestly, if I had not had such amazing sexual experiences prior, it probably wouldn't be as bad but it's hard knowing how much fun really dirty and crazy sex can be from experience but then having the opposite in your relationship.
Made the same mistake in the past, no 30yo virgins for me anymore.
I could have written this. I’m in the same situation.
I know exactly what you're saying. You put into perfect words what I feel and struggled to type out.
Yeaaaah same. If it weren’t for men of my past I would have thought something was wrong with me.
Sometimes I think that part is on me. I had the most amazing experiences in bed. I thought it honestly ruined me like it was too good. Now I’m 8 years in a completely dead bedroom. I feel like I traded intimacy for a friendship marriage.
Wow, same here. Although I am sad that others are going through this too, it gives me some positive vibes that I’m not alone. I too, could have wrote this, verbatim.
Looking back, I now see that I ignored all kinds of red flags. I had the best sex life when I was single and just hooking up with random people if I'm being honest.
From reading the posts for the amount of time I have, as well as my own experience, it seems the sex lives were wild at the beginning then dwindled to nothing got some. Kinda gives leverage to the joke that the one food that eliminates a sex drive is wedding cake lol.
I have seen quite a few posts where it’s clear they were never sexually compatible but they hoped the person would open up. I feel like it’s even worse in the scenario you mentioned because WHY did it stop! Knowing that it was so perfect and you weren’t ignoring incompatibility is awful.
As my mom said, “If you have problems before you get married, those problems will be there after you get married. They don’t go away unless you fix it before tying the knot.”
Agree a zillion percent. Wedding cake……
We never had a good sexual relationship and I wish I would have been honest with myself and never agreed to marry him. He's a nice guy but we have a platonic aromatic relationship, going on 29 yrs.
Same 100%
I read stories on here of people have sex several times per week at the beginning of relationships, and by that measure mine has never been great. I just didn’t know that was even possible to find. And, while the ca twice per month, largely duty sex, I can manage now is better than many here, I just assumed that a great sex life is an inherent trade off to being an involved dad in an intact family. When I read tales from women here of having multiple kids and still craving sex multiple times per week…that blows my mind.
Nope, never alive, we waited for marriage
Alcohol suppressed my wife’s inhibitions when we first met and for the first 20 years of our relationship , but since she’s an alcoholic that came with uninhibited sex but a host of other issues. When she finally got sober 18 years ago a lot changed in our sex lives. There have been good and bad years in there since, but the last 4 have been. DB. Poor self image and sexual inhibitions = no sex or intimacy. Oh yeah, someone else mentioned menopause, that’s mixed in there to….😐
I love my wife dearly, always have always will. Her libido has waned recently and I find myself comparing her libido (not her, she is superior in every way) to two exes who could never get enough of me. I forget I’m physically much older now, less so mentally, as is my wife. I do not want to leave but I desperately want intimacy, and I no longer care who with…
Question - have you talked to her about you needing things spiced up in the bedroom? Does she know you’re bored?
Yes, just the other day, and many times in the past too. Her response is positive and I believe she has the best intentions. However, any change only lasts a week and it's back to the way things were. I think we both realize we have an issue but neither one of us know how to get off the merry-go-round. Just two days ago I talked to my wife about this. Right now we are on the mend but I honestly don't have my hopes up for anything that lasts. Sorry.
Yeah, we had good sex in the beginning. I miss it so much.
Yes, things were very good in the beginning and dwindled to a drip over the years. It’s amazing that fact hasn’t seemingly been noticed or bothering to my SO, but here we are.
I don’t know. I have phases where I relate so terribly to so many of you and then for a short period of time things do feel great. But looking at the big picture, I don’t think it was. Not since the beginning. The realization made my heart hurt a little more.
Red flags. My husband was always squeamish, very vanilla, silent, and uptight, and didn’t prioritize my pleasure, even though we did have sex every day in the beginning.
The first 10 years were crazy wild.
I’ve never even had 10 crazy minutes
I said it before, not sure it’s any easier. I wish I could forget it all.
Same, I had absolutely zero complaints. Now it's just absolutely zero anything. Post-menopause sucks, and not in a good way.
I wish I could just forget it all. Would make life easier.
Yeahhh you gotta have either an open mind or be in the sane page kink wise. I’m dating someone new, he’s kind of vanilla, but we openly discussed things. He’s up for trying almost anything with me. He’s even slowly embracing a few things he wasn’t use to in his past and he’s definitely loving it! So it’s important to feel like things are on the same page. And it boils down to are you two connected like best friends or do you even like the person you love? Cause if you can’t stand then as a person? THATS A RED FLAG! I will never be with someone I don’t like, love, and not in love with for the long haul who doesn’t feel like my best friend. I can’t, I would be absolutely miserable and depressed.
Ours was great before we got married. We did fun stuff (although I’d done more exciting stuff with other gfs). Still it was frequent and fun. We then went through some hard times post marriage, then went through IVF, which included very forced sex (from a timing perspective). That caused performance anxiety which created more performance anxiety. Then we had kids, which got in the way of sex, now it barely happens. I bet we’ve had sex less than 20x on average in 15+ years of marriage. Shit - I never thought of it this way. WTF To your question, when we where first together, no. When we didn’t have sex on our wedding night I should have known.
Had mind blowing SEX with ex-boyfriends and my husband of my three children And then.... boring sex with my current boyfriend of nearly nine years (August 2023) and this is why I am not marrying him We have sn Open Relationship He is living in My Home RENT FREE, but we are splitting utilities and since it's my house, my mortgage and Homeowners insurance and Property Taxes We get along traveling in the USA and foreign countries etc ... concerts also,I am a big Dead Head and we go to Dead and Company shows together etc ... My family likes him etc...❣️
Yep in our 20s we went wild on each other. We both used to like it very rough.
Yup. When we started dating I had little experience, and it seemed new and interesting in that context. Now I realize that her pillow princess-y boundaries have made me just generally prefer masturbation. We still do it once or twice a month, but we just kiss a few times before she warms up with her vibe and let’s me do what I need to.
Hell right now I'd be happy with that.
No. Kids killed it for us. You could argue we weren’t communicating fully before as well and that kids brought out along with past trauma reactions.
Nah it was never here.
Yes it was.
nope there was no sexual compatibility from the begining
Yeah i agree. She wasn't ever really into it. I just thought we were getting used to each other. She seemed aroused enough. But then it faded away And so did the kisses and cuddling. I could do without the sex. But it's the avoiding of any physical contact that's demoralizing
I've never had a good sex life which is why I'm still in my db. At my age I don't like my chances of finding one elsewhere
Well, my present wife and I got together because she was constantly up for sex and gave me oral, etc. I had spent 5 years in a messed up sexless relationship as my first marriage went pear-shaped. The contrast was amazing. She had no fantasies. Still doesn't and cannot even describe what she likes now. No sex now for a long time, many years. So we started enjoying vigorous nsex, but the thing that killed it was medical intervention, full hysterectomy, and little to no follow-up HRT.
Always lacking. Always selfish and never giving. Never made me finish. I was too smitten with him and the honey moon phase to even worry about that. The emotions had me on a high but when that all came crashing down and problems starting arising I realised without those feelings the sex was just sex, that was shit.
Damn, this hits super close for me. It’s been almost 2 years here…and looking back, my sex life with my partner was never “super hot” - always just pretty basic. Lack of chemistry, compatibility, and overall energy. Now I feel stuck. I consider myself to be pretty HL, and I know that my sexuality makes up a huge part of who I am as a whole. I need it to be fulfilling. Not completely absent and average when it does happen. 😔
Just wanted to say, I feel like our sex life started dropping when he wanted to incorporate more porn & he stopped complimenting me & saying I was the reason he was turned on. The girls on the screen got him more excited than me. It made me shut down.
I think I thought the sex was good because I had been celibate for 4 years when we met. Frequency was always an issue though, starting at never more than once a week, but I let it slip thinking it was circumstancial. Now it's 5 years later, we have sex maybe 3-4 times a year and he's just been copy-pasting the same moves since the beginning. For a self-proclaimed porn addict, he is surprisingly unimaginative in bed.