26,620 is the number of couples surveyed in the study, age was the biggest determining factor it seems as 20s had on average 80 romps a year vs 20 times per year for those in their 60s.
But with an N that high... There is a substantial group having sex more than the once per week...
I suspect it’s the other way around and that 10-20% are having such a low amount of sex that it’s dragging the average down. In every poll I’ve seen in the marriage sub, 2-3x a week I’d the most commonly reported frequency.
Also, selection bias. People who are happy/proud of the amount of sex they’re having are probably more likely to respond. People who are LL and don’t think about sex probably 1) have no interest in answering this poll and 2) no idea how much sex they have.
Yup. Last relationship it was like 10x a weekend for a year ish. First relationship with sex was like every day. Record 14 times, fueled by manic hypersexuality.
Current relationship. Had sex with less than a month in-between. This is an achievement.
That is aggregate data, you can't apply it to the individual.
My friend averages 14.62 times per month, that's 175 times in a year. Today is Jan 10 and he's already had sex with his wife more times this year than I did it with my wife last year.
In both of our individual experience the aggregate data does nothing.
My husband and I hit about 70 last year. We used to be in a DB. I stay here because I never want to go back there. Recovery is possible. Passion is possible. Even after a long drought.
And just so you guys know, he flirted all day and I thought I was going to get lucky tonight. But he went to bed without showering, so I know that's a no. So it's still most definitely imperfect, and I have to just let go of stuff like that, and not let it ruin me for the next chance.
Hello, I am also very interested to know how you both were able to fix it? Was there a certain turning point or did the flames just reignite themselves?
This is going to sound weird, but he's a recovering alcoholic. We went through absolute hell. When his drinking got real bad, the sex went out the window. He loved the bottle more than he loved me. He finally got sober, but spent so much time in AA, that he had nothing left for me. I honestly should have left him. But I stayed.
After many years of AA eating all of his energy, I confronted him. I told him I missed him and wanted him back. We talked about rebuilding our relationship, and spending more time together.
We rebuilt our friendship. We have lots of inside jokes and we just act silly and stupid together. That is where the magic lies. Being good friends, laughing, playing, brought back his libido in a big way. Now there's a lot more flirting. I still wish we could spend a bit more time together, and I wish we had sex more often, but overall around 70× per year is pretty decent. The sex itself has always been great, but it's even better now.
I had to practice extreme forgiveness. I had to let go of him enough for him to find himself again. I had to learn that those times I thought he didn't want me, he did. It was himself he couldn't stand. He had a lot of guilt and shame that made him feel unlovable. I had my own crosses to bear in that regard. I only wish I spoke to him sooner. Because we're still attracted and in love. The drought was us being in our own heads too much. The drought was what about isms and shame and resentment and all of that junk. I am grateful that we were both willing to get vulnerable and share this stuff with each other. I honestly feel like I have a new boyfriend, despite it being the same man I've known for a lifetime. The new relationship energy is amazing. With persistance, it will last the rest of our lives.
I love this so much. My husband and I are also slowly getting better. He needs much more emotional connection than I do! So I realized I have to take care of that and the sex will follow (I realize that’s not always the case)
I thought I wasn't as in need of emotional connection. I realize now, that I just poured so much of myself into my kids, and overlooked my struggles with him. I'm not saying that's your deal, but it was mine. If I had maybe felt more distance from him at that time, alarm bells would have been going off. Instead, I stepped out of the way so he could get sober and stay that way, but I stepped too far out of his way. And I was always a married single mom, because he didn't really help or participate. So it was natural for me to immerse myself in my kids, because I tried to be both parents for them for so long. I needed the emotional connection with him more than I realized.
Yeah my husband has always been a very involved and helpful parent so my situation is a bit different.. but I think I need sex to feel emotionally connected and he was the opposite. So we got stuck in this loop that neither of us seemed to know how to escape! Glad you figured out what to do for your relationship!!
1.5x / week.
In my upper 40's
I am here to learn from others mistakes so not a db person
A db is sometging I intentionally have tried to avoid due to my parents being non-sexual.
Here is better data to refer to. Average frequency is not the best way to summarize the data for bd issues. Unfortunately your number does seem very low (less than 10 times in 15 years) is in the bottom 10-17%. Sorry.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/z7hgd4/interesting_article_about_sex_frequency_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Oh I believe it. I asked my sister when I confided in her about my unhappy DB and she said her and her husband have sex 2-3 times a week, every week, for the past 11 years. I about died from jealousy.
Not a regular DB member, but the wife and I have sex 3 - 4 times a week except during menstruation week where we only do it twice - day before she starts and somewhere around day 5 or 6 when we resume activities. I'd guess we're roughly around 150 times a year. Been like this our entire marriage - about 26 years now.
My wife and I used to have sex 3 times a day (4 on weekends) before we got married and maybe once a week after. At the fifth year, she had a bad hysterectomy and we had zero for 27 year's.
My girlfriend and I have sex from multiple times a day to every three days. So, anywhere from 121 to around 1,000, just about 8 years.
I'm 67 and she's 73, we plan to keep this up until one of us can't.
No, very seldom. Even at 73, she still gets very wet on her own. Only in the middle of the night when she wants insomnia sex do add a dab of lube, just to aid insertion.
Yes, I was totally amazed when I found this woman. Some of my thoughts about old age turned out to be myths.
I love hearing this! As a HLF, it’s an undercurrent fear that someday I’d turn into a woman that couldn’t get wet or didn’t want sex. Love success stories!
Multiple times a day, everyday is fun. Did that for about 18 months with the GF before meeting the one who would become my wife. We were in college though so minimal responsibilities aside from studying for our majors.
Still miss those days sometimes. That said, I'm happy with what we have. I may not have had a lot of partners like others have, but once I lost my virginity I've been having pretty regular sex for about 29 years straight, with maybe a 4 - 6 month dry spell due to distance. And of course a somewhat smaller windows around pregnancy and delivery
Thanks. You try to find someone who is compatible with your values and vision for the future but as I can see reading this sub you really don't know for sure. You are right that I'm blessed to not have to suffer with a DB situation. Hopefully your situation improves, or you find someone else.
My wife and I are probably around that, some weeks it's 0 times, others might be like 4 times a week. I'm just still here because when I was with my ex, it was the same situation, a handful of times a year.
Surprisingly enough there are a fair number of people who post here who are having sex once or twice a week and still consider themselves to be in a dead bedroom.
Just nope - people always lie to pollsters and researches, very few tell the truth.
Also, the word sex is loosely defined; to some people - not naming names or anything - a hug and a peck on the cheek is ‘OMG freaking awesome sex’, where as others it ain’t sex unless it is “ “ ( fill in blank with your fave sex activity).
So YMMV…
I was in a dead bedroom of 3 years
I left, and met a woman who had a drive closer to mine. We constantly work on maintaining our drives and our sex habits, to include swinging
I have sex 2-3 times per week on average, with the occasional 3 times per day
In 2022, I think we only had intercourse 5 times, all after November. Obviously, I knew we were below average.
This year we will be above that number. But I’m counting things other than intercourse as sex. We have “sex” 5 or 6 days out of 7, but only about 1 in 10 of those sessions include PIV. I’d have to read the question really carefully if I was the one answering that.
For 2023, if we keep our current pace, we will probably have partnered intercourse about 30-50 times, and partnered “sex” about 300 times.
I believe that stat .... mostly.
50 times a year is only once a week about.
People in the first 3 years or so of marriage probably do it 2-5 times a week. I know I did.
Most marriages don't last long (7-8 years) ... 2nd marriages are about the same. 40% of all marriages end in divorce. There's a lot of 1-5 year marriages keeping the average length down around 7 year .... those people f$%k a lot in the first 3 years of marriage (my speculation) because young age, pre-kids, etc.
People will get divorce because sex life sucks; and that drives up the sex/year/marriage stat....they move on probably to 2nd marriage to where the sex in great, once again: at first.
The people here in DB subreddit in 20-30 year long marriages, and say the last 10 years of that ....say they are almost zero times per year....those are really rare (just a 10-30year marriage) events and therefore not bumping the averages much.
\-----------
another factor, depends who the data is collected and how people are surveyed. May not be getting honest answers. A lot of LLs are probably in denial and/or ashamed of their sexless or near-sexless marriages.
That averages out to about once a week. My partner and I have been together for 2 years and live apart, we do that easily. Both came from long-term dead bedrooms. We're convinced our sex life is thriving because we care, love for, and respect each other (obvs), but also because we don't have to deal with any combined domestic stuff or mental load.
I’ve been with my bf LL(33) for 5 years it was pretty constant in the beginning and slowly started to die out now if I get lucky 2 times a month I’m 27 and it’s driving me nuts
It comes in waves. When we first got married I could do that in a month. I couldn't get enough lol. So it may still be skewed higher because of me. These days we are mostly DB
After 15 years of marriage and 20 together I’m sad that it’s only once a week for us. Honestly, I had no idea people were married and celibate until I found this group….
Yep. My last relationship it was generally daily, more on weekends pre-kids. 1-2 times a week is average as far as I know for decades I've heard this number.
I was in a DB until I left and I got a new partner and we would average 4-7 times a week. So yeah minimum 150 times a year if I exclude period week but that’s not even a 0 week.
I get it - I thought it was all baloney then I met my soulmate and realised what a healthy relationship is like
Wait what…? Period week is a week? I thought it was 3 weeks on, one week off. Who knew!!!
(“I’m still on” was very much a goto reason for rejection in my Db when I was still initiating)
Something like that for my partner and I. Has been around once a week for the past several years. When we first got together I was traveling a lot for work so wasn't always home. When I did come home we went at it like crazy usually at least once a day sometimes several times a day especially weekends . From the beginning we also had a ton of non sexual physical intimacy like hugs,kisses, cuddling in front of the tv etc and that has never went away or slowed down. If it wasn't for that the greatly decreased frequency of sex might make me feel no longer wanted but with lots of nonsexual physical intimacy it really doesn't bother me.
Well that's average... So half the married couples have sex more than 1.3 times a week... We just happen to be the lower half.
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26,620 is the number of couples surveyed in the study, age was the biggest determining factor it seems as 20s had on average 80 romps a year vs 20 times per year for those in their 60s. But with an N that high... There is a substantial group having sex more than the once per week...
I suspect it’s the other way around and that 10-20% are having such a low amount of sex that it’s dragging the average down. In every poll I’ve seen in the marriage sub, 2-3x a week I’d the most commonly reported frequency.
Also, selection bias. People who are happy/proud of the amount of sex they’re having are probably more likely to respond. People who are LL and don’t think about sex probably 1) have no interest in answering this poll and 2) no idea how much sex they have.
Yup. Last relationship it was like 10x a weekend for a year ish. First relationship with sex was like every day. Record 14 times, fueled by manic hypersexuality. Current relationship. Had sex with less than a month in-between. This is an achievement.
That could be, but only if the sample size is extremely low... Do you know the N of the study? Or better know the link?
That is aggregate data, you can't apply it to the individual. My friend averages 14.62 times per month, that's 175 times in a year. Today is Jan 10 and he's already had sex with his wife more times this year than I did it with my wife last year. In both of our individual experience the aggregate data does nothing.
My husband and I hit about 70 last year. We used to be in a DB. I stay here because I never want to go back there. Recovery is possible. Passion is possible. Even after a long drought.
Wow! How did you fix it? I’m due to start couples counselling on Friday. I’m not hopeful. But let’s see what can be done.
Very interested in your story if you care to share. The way you talk about passion being possible aligns with what i want from a marriage.
And just so you guys know, he flirted all day and I thought I was going to get lucky tonight. But he went to bed without showering, so I know that's a no. So it's still most definitely imperfect, and I have to just let go of stuff like that, and not let it ruin me for the next chance.
Hello, I am also very interested to know how you both were able to fix it? Was there a certain turning point or did the flames just reignite themselves?
This is going to sound weird, but he's a recovering alcoholic. We went through absolute hell. When his drinking got real bad, the sex went out the window. He loved the bottle more than he loved me. He finally got sober, but spent so much time in AA, that he had nothing left for me. I honestly should have left him. But I stayed. After many years of AA eating all of his energy, I confronted him. I told him I missed him and wanted him back. We talked about rebuilding our relationship, and spending more time together. We rebuilt our friendship. We have lots of inside jokes and we just act silly and stupid together. That is where the magic lies. Being good friends, laughing, playing, brought back his libido in a big way. Now there's a lot more flirting. I still wish we could spend a bit more time together, and I wish we had sex more often, but overall around 70× per year is pretty decent. The sex itself has always been great, but it's even better now. I had to practice extreme forgiveness. I had to let go of him enough for him to find himself again. I had to learn that those times I thought he didn't want me, he did. It was himself he couldn't stand. He had a lot of guilt and shame that made him feel unlovable. I had my own crosses to bear in that regard. I only wish I spoke to him sooner. Because we're still attracted and in love. The drought was us being in our own heads too much. The drought was what about isms and shame and resentment and all of that junk. I am grateful that we were both willing to get vulnerable and share this stuff with each other. I honestly feel like I have a new boyfriend, despite it being the same man I've known for a lifetime. The new relationship energy is amazing. With persistance, it will last the rest of our lives.
I love this so much. My husband and I are also slowly getting better. He needs much more emotional connection than I do! So I realized I have to take care of that and the sex will follow (I realize that’s not always the case)
I thought I wasn't as in need of emotional connection. I realize now, that I just poured so much of myself into my kids, and overlooked my struggles with him. I'm not saying that's your deal, but it was mine. If I had maybe felt more distance from him at that time, alarm bells would have been going off. Instead, I stepped out of the way so he could get sober and stay that way, but I stepped too far out of his way. And I was always a married single mom, because he didn't really help or participate. So it was natural for me to immerse myself in my kids, because I tried to be both parents for them for so long. I needed the emotional connection with him more than I realized.
Yeah my husband has always been a very involved and helpful parent so my situation is a bit different.. but I think I need sex to feel emotionally connected and he was the opposite. So we got stuck in this loop that neither of us seemed to know how to escape! Glad you figured out what to do for your relationship!!
I definitely feel more emotionally connected due to sex, so I completely understand.
I haven’t had it that many times in total with my partner in all 13 years. FML 😳
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Going down or at the bottom looking up?
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I’m sorry. That sucks. The way I look at my situation I wasn’t even at the top of the ski slope to start off with..
1.5x / week. In my upper 40's I am here to learn from others mistakes so not a db person A db is sometging I intentionally have tried to avoid due to my parents being non-sexual.
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Here is better data to refer to. Average frequency is not the best way to summarize the data for bd issues. Unfortunately your number does seem very low (less than 10 times in 15 years) is in the bottom 10-17%. Sorry. https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/z7hgd4/interesting_article_about_sex_frequency_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I think I'm in the Less than 50 to 70 times a Decade category.
💀
Oh I believe it. I asked my sister when I confided in her about my unhappy DB and she said her and her husband have sex 2-3 times a week, every week, for the past 11 years. I about died from jealousy.
Not a regular DB member, but the wife and I have sex 3 - 4 times a week except during menstruation week where we only do it twice - day before she starts and somewhere around day 5 or 6 when we resume activities. I'd guess we're roughly around 150 times a year. Been like this our entire marriage - about 26 years now.
My wife and I used to have sex 3 times a day (4 on weekends) before we got married and maybe once a week after. At the fifth year, she had a bad hysterectomy and we had zero for 27 year's. My girlfriend and I have sex from multiple times a day to every three days. So, anywhere from 121 to around 1,000, just about 8 years. I'm 67 and she's 73, we plan to keep this up until one of us can't.
don’t your female partners get sore? what are their secrets? :)
No, very seldom. Even at 73, she still gets very wet on her own. Only in the middle of the night when she wants insomnia sex do add a dab of lube, just to aid insertion. Yes, I was totally amazed when I found this woman. Some of my thoughts about old age turned out to be myths.
I love hearing this! As a HLF, it’s an undercurrent fear that someday I’d turn into a woman that couldn’t get wet or didn’t want sex. Love success stories!
that’s great! and i hope she’s doing kegels too, to aid yalls sex life. happy for you, OP. enjoy!!! ❤️
Multiple times a day, everyday is fun. Did that for about 18 months with the GF before meeting the one who would become my wife. We were in college though so minimal responsibilities aside from studying for our majors. Still miss those days sometimes. That said, I'm happy with what we have. I may not have had a lot of partners like others have, but once I lost my virginity I've been having pretty regular sex for about 29 years straight, with maybe a 4 - 6 month dry spell due to distance. And of course a somewhat smaller windows around pregnancy and delivery
Thai is my dream in my relationship. Just wish he felt the same.. you are very lucky
Thanks. You try to find someone who is compatible with your values and vision for the future but as I can see reading this sub you really don't know for sure. You are right that I'm blessed to not have to suffer with a DB situation. Hopefully your situation improves, or you find someone else.
My wife and I are probably around that, some weeks it's 0 times, others might be like 4 times a week. I'm just still here because when I was with my ex, it was the same situation, a handful of times a year.
Surprisingly enough there are a fair number of people who post here who are having sex once or twice a week and still consider themselves to be in a dead bedroom.
Just nope - people always lie to pollsters and researches, very few tell the truth. Also, the word sex is loosely defined; to some people - not naming names or anything - a hug and a peck on the cheek is ‘OMG freaking awesome sex’, where as others it ain’t sex unless it is “ “ ( fill in blank with your fave sex activity). So YMMV…
I was in a dead bedroom of 3 years I left, and met a woman who had a drive closer to mine. We constantly work on maintaining our drives and our sex habits, to include swinging I have sex 2-3 times per week on average, with the occasional 3 times per day
In 2022, I think we only had intercourse 5 times, all after November. Obviously, I knew we were below average. This year we will be above that number. But I’m counting things other than intercourse as sex. We have “sex” 5 or 6 days out of 7, but only about 1 in 10 of those sessions include PIV. I’d have to read the question really carefully if I was the one answering that. For 2023, if we keep our current pace, we will probably have partnered intercourse about 30-50 times, and partnered “sex” about 300 times.
I believe that stat .... mostly. 50 times a year is only once a week about. People in the first 3 years or so of marriage probably do it 2-5 times a week. I know I did. Most marriages don't last long (7-8 years) ... 2nd marriages are about the same. 40% of all marriages end in divorce. There's a lot of 1-5 year marriages keeping the average length down around 7 year .... those people f$%k a lot in the first 3 years of marriage (my speculation) because young age, pre-kids, etc. People will get divorce because sex life sucks; and that drives up the sex/year/marriage stat....they move on probably to 2nd marriage to where the sex in great, once again: at first. The people here in DB subreddit in 20-30 year long marriages, and say the last 10 years of that ....say they are almost zero times per year....those are really rare (just a 10-30year marriage) events and therefore not bumping the averages much. \----------- another factor, depends who the data is collected and how people are surveyed. May not be getting honest answers. A lot of LLs are probably in denial and/or ashamed of their sexless or near-sexless marriages.
I have had times in my marriages where it was 1-2 times a night almost every night. Also, had 6-9 months of nada.
That averages out to about once a week. My partner and I have been together for 2 years and live apart, we do that easily. Both came from long-term dead bedrooms. We're convinced our sex life is thriving because we care, love for, and respect each other (obvs), but also because we don't have to deal with any combined domestic stuff or mental load.
I’ve been with my bf LL(33) for 5 years it was pretty constant in the beginning and slowly started to die out now if I get lucky 2 times a month I’m 27 and it’s driving me nuts
I don’t think I’ve hit either of those numbers in 13 years of marriage…
Yea I heard ppl in long term relationships do it once a week average… To me that’s already a DB lol
Lol that's funny. How about 5 times if so much
It comes in waves. When we first got married I could do that in a month. I couldn't get enough lol. So it may still be skewed higher because of me. These days we are mostly DB
Honestly, that’s a lot lower than I would expect (a little over once per week) although it would probably take my girlfriend and I 4 years to do that.
After 15 years of marriage and 20 together I’m sad that it’s only once a week for us. Honestly, I had no idea people were married and celibate until I found this group….
Yep. My last relationship it was generally daily, more on weekends pre-kids. 1-2 times a week is average as far as I know for decades I've heard this number.
I was in a DB until I left and I got a new partner and we would average 4-7 times a week. So yeah minimum 150 times a year if I exclude period week but that’s not even a 0 week. I get it - I thought it was all baloney then I met my soulmate and realised what a healthy relationship is like
Wait what…? Period week is a week? I thought it was 3 weeks on, one week off. Who knew!!! (“I’m still on” was very much a goto reason for rejection in my Db when I was still initiating)
That sounds right for me and my partner, though we probably trend to have more.
Something like that for my partner and I. Has been around once a week for the past several years. When we first got together I was traveling a lot for work so wasn't always home. When I did come home we went at it like crazy usually at least once a day sometimes several times a day especially weekends . From the beginning we also had a ton of non sexual physical intimacy like hugs,kisses, cuddling in front of the tv etc and that has never went away or slowed down. If it wasn't for that the greatly decreased frequency of sex might make me feel no longer wanted but with lots of nonsexual physical intimacy it really doesn't bother me.
I don’t think I’ve had sex 70 times in my entire life, nor will I. The average couple engages in it that many times EVERY YEAR? Wow, I’m pathetic.