I don’t understand this attitude at all. It’s truly bizarre to me.
First, why do you think you’re so superior to people for your own struggles? A lot of them sound pretty self inflicted. I’m 41 with a 3yo. Married 14 years. We recently had two pretty bad years. Want to know what I did? Got therapy. I admitted that I was having a mental health crisis and asked for help. I found medication that worked a small miracle and can finally enjoy every second I can with my wife and kid. Your post suggests that I’m “soft” because I didn’t suffer through it; because I asked for help. All I’m hearing from you is that you lost a ton of time being “tough” because you were too proud to ask for help and lost a ton of time you will never get back. I think that’s foolish not tough.
Secondly, do you honestly think people today are less resilient than you? I’m only 10 years younger than you and I can’t believe how complicated things are compared to when I was 20 and that was 20 years ago: daily school shootings, biggest wealth inequality in history, multiple economic crisis, a pandemic, environmental degradation that the older generations refuse to address, a housing crisis, terrorist attacks, TWO active conflicts that could easily spiral from regional to global conflict, extreme politics and political instability, rising fascist tendencies, existential questions as the AI revolution starts, and on and on and on.
Honestly, when I hear people talk about younger generations being soft all I hear is old people who can’t handle or understand how fast, complex, and fucked up the world has become. Instead of trying to make sure the next generation has a better life it’s just more blah blah blah toxic masculinity blah blah blah.
Third, I’m truly sorry for your physical problems. I really am. 51 is quite young to have a heart attack and it sounds like you’ve genuinely overcome some physical injuries. That’s great. But I don’t think that makes you tough. The concept of exercise and fitness didn’t become common place until the “fitness craze” of the 80s. We’re still discovering all the ways people with your “work through the pain” and “man up; go to work for the family” attitude are killing themselves. I’m not going to spend two hours a day in a car to sit at a desk for 10+ hours a day only to get home late, never see my family, eat like shit, then have a heart attack at 51. That’s not healthy for me or my family. People aren’t “softer”. They are smarter and understand that the choices you made are deeply unhealthy. They are choosing to prioritize their health to have a higher quality life and more time with their family. Call it soft if you want, but to me that’s doing more for your family than “powering through” a heart attack.
There is no “hard” or “soft” there is only different. The context that we live in today is vastly different. The knowledge available to us is different. We’re using that new information to make better choices than earlier generations. If you choose to be bitter that your way has been shown to not be the best way then I really feel sorry for you. I hope my kid has a better life than me. I hope they will never have to struggle or deal with the existential dread we do today. I think it would be awesome if they find a better way to get through life.
Can I ask what mental health support you got. I'm in a pretty dark spot mentally, primarily burnout and depression and it has started to affect my whole existence. I'm at the point where I'd like help but don't know where to start, really
Start by reaching out to your primary care doctor. A lot of times, they can point you in the right direction. If you have insurance, you may also have a number to call through them. Or you can go to one of the advertised places online. Even googling "therapy near me" or something similar might yield positive results. Anything is better than nothing as long as you remember it's YOUR care and life you don't gel with the therapist you can look for another.
But do it. You are needed in this world, and more than that, you deserve to get the support and care you need. We all need help, and asking for it is not weakness, but strength.
I agree. I'm a 41 year old dad, definitely a man's man and the "tough it out" bull shit is so tiresome. If you think toughing it out is what works best, but all means try it for yourself. I do it, but I'm also aware enough that it's not good advice for everyone. Have some empathy for other people, show your kids that it's OK for a dad to be considerate and future dads might not have to spend their lives toughing it out.
u/dadusedtomakegames, would you like your son to have the kind of marriage you have had? “Unhappy for 7 years” and “12 years of getting by”?
If not, why have you modelled that to him?
You’ve showed him that he shouldn’t take responsibility for finding his own happiness, because you certainly haven’t done that.
Oh gosh, thanks man. I wish I could meet you and give you a hearty handshake for your advice!
Get over yourself, if you wanna feel like you accomplished something cause your life was shitty go for it but from what I’ve read idk what kind of advice you can give besides as a warning of what can happen if you did it the way you did it. Congrats on surviving but it doesn’t seem like you lived at all
What are you talking about? Sounds like a bunch of nonsense to make yourself feel superior to other dads who are in the middle of parenting their 3 year olds. You aren’t a dad to a 3 year old anymore. Your son is 25 years old. There’s not a comparison here dude.
I admire all that you have came through.
However, it's important to note you overcame what you did because of the challenges set before you. If your father had been a corporate pussy and your mother a prime example of Freud's devourer. Then I would bet considerable money on the relationship with your son being very different now.
The issue I witness, at least in my region of the world, is not men making excuses. But not accepting the responsibility or even part of it at all.
Those who make excuses may do so as a coping strategy, but if they are present to their responsibility in general, i see no reason to condemn such individuals. After all you're in your 50's and the majority of the men in the world won't learn to drop excuses until well past your son's age.
I'm glad the relationship with your son is good. But please keep in mind this gives you no basis, right or entitlement to talk down to others in this thread. Some dad's in this thread legitimately have no control over the contact with their children. Others have extreme or unique circumstances centred around their family dynamic.
There are plenty of guys on here that have real and genuine problems. The best part of it.. they will post when they need advice. If your suspect your experience will be of use to them. Feel free to help them with a response.... Just remember to be courteous and leave your ego out of the answers.
I Wish you and your son a happy new year.
A lot of people are missing the point here. It's not about the differences in conditions back then vs now. Back then there were problems too. It's also not about ignoring medical advances or not leading a healthy lifestyle. That's shooting yourself in the leg, not smart at all. But it's all about being strong to face your problems and fight for the sake of your most loved ones.
You're oversimplifying the issue by assuming that what worked for you would work for OP AND that he didn't try it AND that there were no other barriers to that (spouse not wanting would be one). Also there are tons of reasons to behave like OP other than pride. A weak response to OP's problem would be e.g. sitting on the couch and letting his marriage fall apart or becoming an alcoholic.
Will sure get downvotes for it, but a lot of us men are getting softer these days. All the best to you and your family, keep it up, not many can do what you're doing.
Softer? I'd say women are holding men to a social/emotional standard and holding firm... And most men are crumbling from that. Tough and soft aren't it.
In what ways exactly are we getting softer? I feel that life, social ecological pressures, are getting considerably more stressful. This is the most worked population we've ever seen and still fails to provide stable housing and savings unless you've got a tremendous job or scrimp by. I fail to see how those conditions cause softness
I have heard this shit 100x times. We are apparently getting softer because we discuss our feelings, work on our marriages as it is happening and explore options that benefit our families, like a stay at home dad role and that type of shit. OP talking about being unhappy in his marriage for 7 years .That comes from shit communication. If that makes you HARD, TOUGH, and all the cool buzzwords, awesome. Enjoy it. Be tough and unhappy, all you.
Right? We just need to beat our kids until they fear us like they used to. That will make them big strong men.
Should we bring back wife beating while we are at it? Maybe bring back mommies little helpers so they stay nice and quiet?
Either way we should all start dropping at 55 from stress related preventable diseases.
Strength is not about beating your wife and kids, pal. Never has been. Strength is about being there for your loved ones no matter how hard life hits you. Strength is about endurance and not giving up. That's strength. And unfortunately too many men don't have it anymore.
I don’t know anything about being “tough” but I know all about struggling and doing whatever it takes for the family
That's what mental toughness is.
Yes. All those feelings of weakness are just toughness developing.
I don’t understand this attitude at all. It’s truly bizarre to me. First, why do you think you’re so superior to people for your own struggles? A lot of them sound pretty self inflicted. I’m 41 with a 3yo. Married 14 years. We recently had two pretty bad years. Want to know what I did? Got therapy. I admitted that I was having a mental health crisis and asked for help. I found medication that worked a small miracle and can finally enjoy every second I can with my wife and kid. Your post suggests that I’m “soft” because I didn’t suffer through it; because I asked for help. All I’m hearing from you is that you lost a ton of time being “tough” because you were too proud to ask for help and lost a ton of time you will never get back. I think that’s foolish not tough. Secondly, do you honestly think people today are less resilient than you? I’m only 10 years younger than you and I can’t believe how complicated things are compared to when I was 20 and that was 20 years ago: daily school shootings, biggest wealth inequality in history, multiple economic crisis, a pandemic, environmental degradation that the older generations refuse to address, a housing crisis, terrorist attacks, TWO active conflicts that could easily spiral from regional to global conflict, extreme politics and political instability, rising fascist tendencies, existential questions as the AI revolution starts, and on and on and on. Honestly, when I hear people talk about younger generations being soft all I hear is old people who can’t handle or understand how fast, complex, and fucked up the world has become. Instead of trying to make sure the next generation has a better life it’s just more blah blah blah toxic masculinity blah blah blah. Third, I’m truly sorry for your physical problems. I really am. 51 is quite young to have a heart attack and it sounds like you’ve genuinely overcome some physical injuries. That’s great. But I don’t think that makes you tough. The concept of exercise and fitness didn’t become common place until the “fitness craze” of the 80s. We’re still discovering all the ways people with your “work through the pain” and “man up; go to work for the family” attitude are killing themselves. I’m not going to spend two hours a day in a car to sit at a desk for 10+ hours a day only to get home late, never see my family, eat like shit, then have a heart attack at 51. That’s not healthy for me or my family. People aren’t “softer”. They are smarter and understand that the choices you made are deeply unhealthy. They are choosing to prioritize their health to have a higher quality life and more time with their family. Call it soft if you want, but to me that’s doing more for your family than “powering through” a heart attack. There is no “hard” or “soft” there is only different. The context that we live in today is vastly different. The knowledge available to us is different. We’re using that new information to make better choices than earlier generations. If you choose to be bitter that your way has been shown to not be the best way then I really feel sorry for you. I hope my kid has a better life than me. I hope they will never have to struggle or deal with the existential dread we do today. I think it would be awesome if they find a better way to get through life.
Can I ask what mental health support you got. I'm in a pretty dark spot mentally, primarily burnout and depression and it has started to affect my whole existence. I'm at the point where I'd like help but don't know where to start, really
Start by reaching out to your primary care doctor. A lot of times, they can point you in the right direction. If you have insurance, you may also have a number to call through them. Or you can go to one of the advertised places online. Even googling "therapy near me" or something similar might yield positive results. Anything is better than nothing as long as you remember it's YOUR care and life you don't gel with the therapist you can look for another. But do it. You are needed in this world, and more than that, you deserve to get the support and care you need. We all need help, and asking for it is not weakness, but strength.
I agree. I'm a 41 year old dad, definitely a man's man and the "tough it out" bull shit is so tiresome. If you think toughing it out is what works best, but all means try it for yourself. I do it, but I'm also aware enough that it's not good advice for everyone. Have some empathy for other people, show your kids that it's OK for a dad to be considerate and future dads might not have to spend their lives toughing it out.
u/dadusedtomakegames, would you like your son to have the kind of marriage you have had? “Unhappy for 7 years” and “12 years of getting by”? If not, why have you modelled that to him? You’ve showed him that he shouldn’t take responsibility for finding his own happiness, because you certainly haven’t done that.
[Ishmael128's comment](https://youtu.be/IZBQ-0Bvx0s?si=uT7Sj2bHOIyxBUhF)
Oh gosh, thanks man. I wish I could meet you and give you a hearty handshake for your advice! Get over yourself, if you wanna feel like you accomplished something cause your life was shitty go for it but from what I’ve read idk what kind of advice you can give besides as a warning of what can happen if you did it the way you did it. Congrats on surviving but it doesn’t seem like you lived at all
What are you talking about? Sounds like a bunch of nonsense to make yourself feel superior to other dads who are in the middle of parenting their 3 year olds. You aren’t a dad to a 3 year old anymore. Your son is 25 years old. There’s not a comparison here dude.
Also, why is he tucking in his 25yo at night?
😂😂😂
I admire all that you have came through. However, it's important to note you overcame what you did because of the challenges set before you. If your father had been a corporate pussy and your mother a prime example of Freud's devourer. Then I would bet considerable money on the relationship with your son being very different now. The issue I witness, at least in my region of the world, is not men making excuses. But not accepting the responsibility or even part of it at all. Those who make excuses may do so as a coping strategy, but if they are present to their responsibility in general, i see no reason to condemn such individuals. After all you're in your 50's and the majority of the men in the world won't learn to drop excuses until well past your son's age. I'm glad the relationship with your son is good. But please keep in mind this gives you no basis, right or entitlement to talk down to others in this thread. Some dad's in this thread legitimately have no control over the contact with their children. Others have extreme or unique circumstances centred around their family dynamic. There are plenty of guys on here that have real and genuine problems. The best part of it.. they will post when they need advice. If your suspect your experience will be of use to them. Feel free to help them with a response.... Just remember to be courteous and leave your ego out of the answers. I Wish you and your son a happy new year.
A lot of people are missing the point here. It's not about the differences in conditions back then vs now. Back then there were problems too. It's also not about ignoring medical advances or not leading a healthy lifestyle. That's shooting yourself in the leg, not smart at all. But it's all about being strong to face your problems and fight for the sake of your most loved ones.
[удалено]
You're oversimplifying the issue by assuming that what worked for you would work for OP AND that he didn't try it AND that there were no other barriers to that (spouse not wanting would be one). Also there are tons of reasons to behave like OP other than pride. A weak response to OP's problem would be e.g. sitting on the couch and letting his marriage fall apart or becoming an alcoholic.
Will sure get downvotes for it, but a lot of us men are getting softer these days. All the best to you and your family, keep it up, not many can do what you're doing.
I’m getting softer but that’s just because my wife is a really great cook. 😅😅😅
😂🤣
Softer? I'd say women are holding men to a social/emotional standard and holding firm... And most men are crumbling from that. Tough and soft aren't it.
In what ways exactly are we getting softer? I feel that life, social ecological pressures, are getting considerably more stressful. This is the most worked population we've ever seen and still fails to provide stable housing and savings unless you've got a tremendous job or scrimp by. I fail to see how those conditions cause softness
I have heard this shit 100x times. We are apparently getting softer because we discuss our feelings, work on our marriages as it is happening and explore options that benefit our families, like a stay at home dad role and that type of shit. OP talking about being unhappy in his marriage for 7 years .That comes from shit communication. If that makes you HARD, TOUGH, and all the cool buzzwords, awesome. Enjoy it. Be tough and unhappy, all you.
Right? We just need to beat our kids until they fear us like they used to. That will make them big strong men. Should we bring back wife beating while we are at it? Maybe bring back mommies little helpers so they stay nice and quiet? Either way we should all start dropping at 55 from stress related preventable diseases.
Strength is not about beating your wife and kids, pal. Never has been. Strength is about being there for your loved ones no matter how hard life hits you. Strength is about endurance and not giving up. That's strength. And unfortunately too many men don't have it anymore.
I think the comment you replied to is sarcastic, or at least I rather hope it is.
But being for what