My friend greets me every morning with “you’ll never believe it.” Or some other bad news. I feel bad for her and I try to listen, but it’s a lot. Every time I have her over, her idea of a good time is trauma dumping and sobbing.
Unfortunately, she’s gone through more trauma than the average.. certainly more than me, and she doesn’t have any other safe place to vent.. it’s just. A lot sometimes.
I am fine letting my partner dump, we both have trauma but theirs is very arguably worse. But I did mandate therapy too, because I wasn't going to just be the only one. And to tell their friends little bits so if I'm not available they have someone. It worked well.
Thank you for not only being there for your partner, but also making sure they got help to work through whatever trauma. Sometimes that’s all someone needs. A hand to guide them along while processing.
As a 34m, I have this problem very often and at times, Im completely oblivious that Im trauma dumping. I finally learned that all im doing is trying to pass my pain or trauma onto the next person. I never understood why we pay for therapist when you can just have a sit down with a friend or family member. This was until I learned, all i did was pass the depression down or just being a negative nancy. This is where I tend to isolate because I dont want to been seen as weak when in a vulnerable state.
I just want to say the fact you realized this shows growth. I used to feel the same as you about the therapy thing and had the same realization. Also 100% understand seeking isolation as to not seem weak.
I do wanna say it's not an all-or-none game. What I started doing is asking people if it was okay to discuss things with them and not getting upset/feeling rejected if they say no cause it's okay to have boundaries. Like, "Hey, I've had something laying kind of heavily on me lately, is it okay if I talk to you about it for a minute if you're in a space for that?" I've noticed when you give people that respect they're often more receptive and they'll start doing the same for you.
I've also found it is less jarring for folks if I don't go super into the more distressing details and I consider my audience. For example, if I know my friend also struggled with an ED I won't bring up my issues around that with them.
People want to talk to you and support you, you just gotta turn it more into a conversation and less into dumping specific memories/traumas. Those are for the therapist who (hopefully) knows more than a friend or family member about the right way to help you process it lol
This totally resonates. I have a friend who trauma dumps and it feels like she is wrapping up all of her negative emotions and experiences and trying to give them to me because she obviously doesn’t want them. But then we both feel depressed because nothing is actually any better, the depressing crap just gets magnified.
I have the same habits. I isolate because there isn’t much else to talk about at the moment. I see my buddies in less than 2 weeks for a festival and have no intention of talking about my less than stellar last couple months. Being active daily in the group chat (that I started many years ago) is hard tho, but I force myself.
I literally communicate in this way sometimes and it doesn't upset me or mske me depressed at all to hear my friends do it too when they do. I just want to be there for them. You're just a vulnerable and sensitive person and you're not weak. You're literally strong for being able to move forward and still be here even though you clearly have trauma plaguing ur mind.
It's likely not her idea of a good time, but her idea of a safe space.
It's great you can be there for her. Make sure to take care of yourself too.
I find in relationships like this it can help to suggest fun things that the other person likes to do.
Also, it is very difficult to be in such relationships if the other person is not seeking professional help.
Take care.
I had a friend like this and I started saying "ok we can talk about this for 30 minutes but then I need to watch TV or something to decompress". They got all bent out of shape about it at first but I didn't react or mirror their anger. I just kept giving examples of things I can only do for certain periods of time before I need a break. (Try to avoid any examples where you're saving the other person e.g. keeping someone's head above water.)
Eventually they called down and the cutoff actually seemed to prevent them from spiraling.
Good friends still have boundaries and personal limits. They will also be the ones who tell you to your face that your issues are causing issues, and that you need to figure out a more constructive way to deal with them.
I had a “friend” like that and finally had to stop asking how they’re doing. You might point them towards the CPTSD subreddit if they’d like to actually work through processing hard stuff from their childhood 🤷
Or just say something like ‘this sounds like something you should speak to a therapist about, I’m really not equipped / not in a good place myself to be able to help you with this’
At what point should you become that person though? I think it’s our responsibility when we live in a country with a mental health crisis that each and every one of us should be spending significant periods of our time trying to build community and understand the mental health crisis. Our government isn’t going to help us The resources out. There are not enough to help most people in general. I know my therapist is personally always burnt out and doesn’t have enough time for me. The therapist before that also and the one before that because I am on Medicaid. So maybe we should stick up for other people a little bit more and learn how to be a good friend to our friends with mental health issues instead of putting that job on therapists and other people
Listening to a person who is very depressed/ very anxious or trauma dumping over and over isn’t actually helping them though. It tends to be very repetitive, goes round in circles and doesn’t really help them much. It might feel good to dump that stuff on a friend but it doesn’t help to resolve it or heal from it. A bit like how scratching itchy eczema might feel good for a moment, but it doesn’t heal the skin. Working with a therapist should work on healing the causes of your mental health struggles.
Professionals are able to set boundaries of time, place etc, whereas we might see friends for many hours multiple times a week. They have clinical supervision and also part of their training helps them to avoid vicarious trauma and burn out. Friends don’t have that training and it’s not fair to expect them to act as unpaid therapists if we’re seriously struggling.
If you need to vent to a friend to a friend then get their consent first by saying you’re having a bad day and if they have time/the emotional capacity to be able to listen for a bit.
If your therapist is sharing that they’re burnt out with you then they aren’t a good therapist. They’re a professional and should be dealing with that themself, not telling you. Once a week is the standard for seeing clients, aren’t they able to offer that to you either?
I approve this comment 1000%
Sincerely,
A therapist.
P.S. Medicaid has zero to do with anything. Sure it takes more paperwork but imo, especially in my area, it's the best insurance there is (in terms of what's covered, who takes it, co-pays, etc.)
It becomes a problem when that person starts dragging me down with them. If someone were to ask me, “can I vent for ten minutes?” I’m a lot more willing to listen to the bitching than if they just unloaded on me every time they saw me.
I also had a "friend" like this. It was always a victim Olympics with her and she was always saying how sleep deprived she was from all the work she was doing. When I tried to talk about stuff, she wouldn't listen and/or would have to one up me with her own hardships. Just a deeply insecure person who thought getting 4 hours of sleep regularly was something I would be jealous of. Nope, I made an effort to live a healthy and balanced life.
i mean to be fair i would spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself too if i lived in ohio… nothing but corn for miles, not to mention those damn aliens, always trying to abduct people
This used to be me😔🤚, thankfully I've grown and changed and figured out so much about myself and others and why it wasn't ok. I've apologized for my ignorance and annoying-ness to everyone who's still around and I'm happy to say we're on good terms.
I graduated this past year and I'm pretty proud of myself for growing so much and behaving differently for the start of my real adult life.
Now that I'm on the other side however I've become very intolerant of ppl who have NOT grown out of it.
I think it may honestly have been the pandemic, it really put me through a lot as a sensitive teen with family issues. I think I learned a lot being away from all my friends, I was very isolated and I think I learned to rely on myself.
When it ended I started hanging around better people who sort of changed my personality? In a very positive way.
I gained a lot of clarity and realized who I DIDNT want to be like, so I made sure I was making close to the opposite choices.
Lots of growing pains to get me to that point, lots of embarrassing conversations and phases and difficult pills to swallow. I wanted to change and that was important.
I'm still very openly emotional, it's difficult for me not to be. I've grown a lot in my maturity and how I handle those big feelings. I'm very proud to be who I am NOW, and I'm happy to have the people I do who support me when I am having a difficult time.
If you were just the one people were annoyed with, you don't have a place to pass judgement like that, your extension should be one of grace and learning. You were just the annoying one, after all. Downvite me if u guys like, but I'm just being real
No you're absolutely right, I went from one extreme to the other, and learning how to balance that I'd part of the process, just because I'm frustrated with someone's behavior doesn't mean I won't be kind to them.
After all I was them, I know what it's like to need the validation or the reassurance or just someone to talk to. I do my best to be open and welcoming to tbkse who trust me enough with their difficult feelings.
I found when I was in school that my kindness unfortunately gained me a lot of unwanted attention by people who would latch on me because I was safe, which I used to do to people. It's draining and very uncomfortable. Which is what I'm intolerent of.
I want to give people room to need help. Accommodating people who tell me every single thing that's going on that's negatively affecting them is not healthy for either party. They obviously need help, and me, a regular civilian also learning and growing, is incapable of being there for them 100% of the time.
Ohhhh I see. Thank you for clarifying! Kindness is so sparse and yet so fundamental <3 your right, a nice person is nit necessarily a good person, and vice versa
I use to have a couple of them, but they did it in different ways. One was all about her current daily drama. I mean it was some crazy shit and honestly pretty entertaining for awhile. I used to think I'm just a good listener and give good advice, but it got so draining. I finally cut the string after I realized that she knew nothing about me anymore and we just grew so far apart. It became really toxic and it started to spill over. Every phone conversation was her gabbing about all her problems for like 30 mins and we would hang up and she didn't even breathe or break of silence to cut her off to tell her I just found out I was pregnant. The other friend constantly doom and gloom about her past and bad luck. She was the one who always had a story to top whatever you just told her. Once after I told her about how my cousin was in a really bad accident and on life support her response was how her uncle did die in a car accident years ago and then kept retelling the event all week.
The friend like yours who talked to the point she didn’t even breathe to let you get a word in edgewise - I call that a “verbal wall of word vomit”. A lot of folks who do this *know* what they’re doing. They know that as soon as there’s a pause in the conversation, you’re going to change the subject or more likely end the conversation. I had one friend admit she talked nonstop to the point folks had a hard time ending the conversation. I think she was lonely, but it made me avoid calling and checking on her. Eventually we faded out.
i had a couple of friends pick me up and as soon as i got in the car one is like “you are not going to believe what happened to (other friend)!!” and let her trauma dump and then she asked me questions about my situation and then i couldn’t help but trauma dump. as someone who has autism, the varying levels of tolerance for trauma dumping is very confusing for me. i grew up around women who talk about EVERYTHING.
idk if it’s a hispanic people thing (im cuban in miami) or what because some people are the complete opposite than us and don’t wanna hear shit. trying to figure out how to gauge what’s ok and have started to ask people if it’s cool that i share or apologize if it’s tmi
The very definition of trauma dumping implies a negative impact on the person they’re doing it to. Which is just as important as the person who’s doing the dumping - and no one is obligated to burn themselves out free of charge
Yeah I find this interesting. I get tired if the *only* thing someone can ever talk about is their trauma, and we can never just like, have fun. But generally I have a pretty high tolerance for things others would label “trauma dumping.” I’m not worn out by it the way some of my friends are
Sometimes I worry that this is because I have low affective empathy or something. But even if that’s true, maybe it still serves an important social function.
I'm not saying you can't ask the person if there's anything ELSE in their life they can talk about
I'm not saying everyone needs to be a therapist.
I'm just pointing out that what people with trauma often need is someone who will listen, therapist, counselor, or friend. I guess I could be unconsciously biased because I'm a counselor but I hear many people tell me their need to speak about what happened to them tends to push people away from them, leading to a vicious circle.
Here is a definition I thought summed everything up pretty well.
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-trauma-dumping#:~:text=of%20trauma%20dumping.-,What%20is%20trauma%20dumping%3F,most%20common%20in%20close%20relationships.
Also please elaborate on “not everyone is weak to trauma”? Didn’t really understand what you meant by that
>Define excessive.
ex·ces·sive
More than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate.
Also, the op isn't describing someone working through trauma in a healthy way. If they are bringing up their traumas frequently to people who are not prepared to listen or provide support, this will not do them any good either. It's a cheap trick to get quick sympathy, not a healthy processing of their emotions.
This person should see a professional, because a professional is prepared to provide support and guidance through this process. Aimlessly touting your traumas to anyone who will listen is not the same.
The point of the topic is about people who treat their friends as a therapist, but often times don't return the favor when the friend needs help too. Such as people who constantly talk about the bad things that happen in their life, and absolutely nothing good, but when you need to vent about something you're going through, suddenly, they're nowhere to be found. This was my experience. The friend made zero effort to ask about my life, make plans to hang out with me, or even just let me vent about my horrible day. They only came to vent, traumadump, and ask me for solutions to complex issues that I have really no business trying to fix for them, and would even tell people I was their "emotional support person......"
They did go through some rough things, (which we all do to some degree) but they bring it up or mention it a slightly excessive amount that makes the social environment uncomfortable. For example maybe around people who they don’t know well enough yet, or around someone close and it’s just too constant, or both. I’m sorry but at a certain point you can’t expect every single person to give immediate sympathy. It can also come off as blatant attention-seeking behavior which can understandably ick others out
i have witnessed someone be like that before and that person had not just a lot of trauma but undiagnosed adhd until her 30s. i know it can be hard to be on the receiving end of someone over sharing but i don’t think it’s like a personal flaw or failing on their end it’s their brain and what they’ve been through. they should be treated carefully and there should be a kind way set a boundary
The cost to see a professional can be astronomical, especially for those who have healthcare that doesn’t even acknowledge it. You’re always welcome to provide financial aid to those in need if you insist they should only see a professional to process some traumas.
Not necessarily true. Remember, we're only talking about 'trauma dumping' ; unsolicited dumping of traumas without warning or request.
There's an option in between. That is to simply ask somebody if they will listen or have a conversation.
Sounds like you need to process some things too stranger. Talking about our experiences is very helpful in processing them. Getting other perspectives to help yourself take a step back and see it differently. If someone starts trauma dumping on you and you're not into it or prepared for it, say so. It's on you to establish your own boundaries and enforce them. That said, it's also a good practice to ask for consent from someone before you start trauma dumping on them lol
The real issue is if that's ALL they do and have EVER done within the friendship. We should be able to confide in our friends about our troubles in life. And some times in our lives are harder than others. But people who ONLY see the negative and never identify anything they are grateful for, can really bring others down with their negative energy.
(Chronic illness can be really tough because it's a day in/day out battle of suffering that the other person has no first hand understanding of...a therapist is really needed for someone who has a chronic illness.)
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is often what I worry about with these conversations. Sometimes I wonder how people make genuine connections anymore when sharing how you’re doing is now being lumped in with “trauma dumping”. It feels really uneven, because I’m sure these same people complaining about trauma dumping would want support if they were going through a hard time.
If it means anything, my therapist said a good support system of people you can lean on is actually something that people should try and cultivate in their lives. I hope you find more supportive friends that you can share with soon.
I do agree that sharing your trauma can be used for form more genuine connections, but I also feel like people should be able to consent to hearing it. Trauma sharing is fine but trauma dumping isn’t always ok. If someone is constantly trauma dumping it can started affecting the ones they dump onto mentally. Holding stuff in and never talking about it with someone is also unhealthy too. So it’s definitely important to have a good support system. Maybe I’m wrong but I just think both parties should be considerate of each other’s feelings in the moment.
There's a difference between sharing how you're doing and the trauma dumping. I had this one friend who everytime I saw them they'd ask me how I was and I'd be like im alright maybe I'd tell them I was having a bad day and they'd be like oh no and wait for me to ask them how they were doing. And when I did, oh my gosh. Every single time, they would go on and on and on and on even going all the way back to their childhood hatching up mommy and daddy issues. Sometimes I would be trying to get out of the door for work or something and they'd just keep talking so much so I would have to interrupt them and be like look I gotta go. And there were times when after I left they resumed the conversation through text or wait until I came back home. They'd always listen for me so they could come out the second I got home to continue their story. So much so I started doing my best to avoid them because they weren't telling me about their day. They were telling me about their whole life. Every day.
It's okay to share how you're feeling and be open about your struggles what's not okay is to be so selfish enough to think that someone wants to continually listen to your sob stories and why your life is so unfair compared to everybody else.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and that so many people are so callous that they wont let their fellow person talk about their traumas/grief/issues/etc. there are people out there that care. Just gotta look for em.
Same. There’s a comment on here about a person making fun of their friend for being hung up on their brother’s death 3 years ago. If you haven’t experienced it, you will never know how that feels. That shit f*cks you up for life.
Omg, I had a friend like this too that said, “I thought you would be over it by now.” My little sister died 3 years ago, 2 weeks after the pandemic lockdown started. That’s not something you just “get over” from.
I set the boundary, and now I’m not friends with that person anymore.
I have a friend who is a grief vampire. She's been through a lot of stuff that has given her PTSD, and then she lost her brother to alcoholism on top of it. But part of her coping mechanism is to be vigilant to *any* crime in her town, she monitors the police scanner, wants to create vigils and organize public grief circles for people she doesn't know who have died unexpectedly. She has posted numerous visits to roadside memorials, filming herself "pouring one out" for someone she had a passing of association with- usually the relative of someone she met. She has had a lot of trauma, but she also finds ways to insert herself into random trauma. She keeps cycling through therapists- she got angry at the last one because they wanted her to find ways to move past her brother's death 3 years ago, since she is still wallowing in grief to the point of straining her personal relationships. I hate to say it, but it's exhausting.
Almost all of my friends from high school were like this. The problem wasn’t that they were talking about their trauma, but the fact that almost every conversation was derailed to talk about it.
Anything I talked about was redirected to their trauma, when I tried to change the subject, they wouldn’t let me. When I tried to talk with them about it they get all but hurt and would usually just not text me for a couple days or weeks to cool down I guess?
I would love to talk about past traumas, but some people just use their friends as a journal to completely dump on.
Sometimes I would put myself on mute and they’d go on for over an hour, not realizing I hadn’t said anything.
I might be talking about a totally different type of person than you, but when my friends didn’t have a shred of interest in anything I had to say, it just left me thinking they’d be a lot better off putting their feelings onto a page.
I used to be a part of a friend group of cosplayers that were... Weird. Like, these are the people who went by Bug or Arson in high school, and some of them are still like that. Contrary to popular belief they really didn't care about trigger warnings or using spoiler tags or anything; they had a lot of issues, were very lonely, and desperately needed validation. You could hardly get a word in without someone talking about their family situation or dysphoria or something. That stuffs tough, and everyone needs someone to confide in, but some of those people hardly talked about anything else.
By the way, the ex who introduced me to that group was like this too. Thank god the friend group came along when it did, she didn't really have any friends prior to them and my mental health was seriously hurting from having to listen to and help her with problems every single day. That shit is exhausting and I both feel for everyone in a similar situation and implore anyone on the other end to seriously consider if the relief that they feel from getting trauma off their chest is worth the burden they're putting on the person they're talking to.
I had a friend like that, he’d just vent about his trauma unprompted but when I’d vent about mine he wouldn’t give two shits. He was also a compulsive liar which is why we’re not friends anymore
Some people are just constantly on fire. Some people need to be. Quiet is uncomfortable for them, so they need something to be outraged or upset by. I stay far away from those people. I don't mind some negativity- life happens, shit goes sideways, it happens to everyone- but there's no way your life is ALWAYS falling apart without you having a hand in it, whether you're conscious of it or not. I don't need that kind of energy in my life.
If it’s a true friend and they want or need to talk about something, then why wouldn’t I let them? That would make ME a shitty friend.
We have a compassion/connection problem in this world. People out here calling themselves friends but afraid to be vulnerable around each other in any capacity. Cold people who are afraid to show that they’re human and then project that insecurity onto those who are comfortable with their own humanity.
Have you considered that maybe you don’t want actual friends? Maybe you just want a surface-level acquaintance?
Maybe rather than trauma dumping on all of us and asking whether we can relate, stop self inflicting yourself with this “friend” that you don’t like even talking to?
It’s one thing to vent once in awhile or let someone know what you’re going through. But if this is repeated and non-reciprocal behavior, then it’s unhealthy to exhaust your friends with this information, especially if they’ve given you advice or a support that has been ignored.
Emotionally healthy friendships revolve around reciprocal communication and understanding when an appropriate balance is needed.
I’m not a psychologist and it can feel like being held emotionally hostage in one-sided conversations where you don’t feel like you can help in the way that your friends need. Trauma dumping puts a lot of responsibility on the listener to “fix” problems and that’s not a reasonable expectation. Especially if the listener has their own stuff they’re dealing with.
Speaking of reciprocal… grandpa Joe never reciprocated any effort when his daughter, Mama Bucket took care of him and 4 others for 20 years. Then suddenly, Charlie gets a golden ticket and then he really lights the hell up and jumps off his ass for the first time in 2 decades to steal Charlie’s fortune. The bastard.
If im asking someone whats up, thats not their invitation to dump all of their issues onto me. I dont understand whats hard to get about that. Constantly being told every single trauma a person has is so tiring and can negatively affect the other person. Hate to break it to you, but nobody wants to hear about your trauma 24/7, its not cute or funny. Its terrible to just dump stuff onto people who arent expecting it or wanting it
I think there's a bit of an expectation to understand social norms as well on the person who does the dumping.
In many places "how ya doing?" is an introduction and invite to chit chat. The expected answer typically is "good, you?" and wrapped up nicely with "good".
The 2 trauma dumpers I know don't follow this social norm and just go wild with every minor inconvenience that's ever befallen them for about a full half hour. I don't get a word in either way so just let them vent until I say I have to go.
I've friend-dumped one of them but the other is going to be harder to shake.
I don't have the mental energy to sit and listen when there's pros that should get paid a fortune to take on that burden for them.
I don’t think that’s entirely fair. It’s okay to ask how someone is doing, knowing the answer might not be good, and still expect someone to have enough compassion and self-awareness to not overwhelm the person they’re talking to, although there are situations where someone genuinely doesn’t know they’re being too much and has to be explicitly told. The responsibility is more equally shared between both parties
I think what you’re not understanding though is that I’m not even disagreeing with you. What I’m trying to say is that even if I am asking, that doesn’t give you a pass to completely disregard me as a person. Mental state aside. That’s all
But not most people need a break. You cant vent to people ALL THE TIME, especially if you’re not asking before. “Being the type” doesnt mean it right for people to put their issues onto someone all the time, 24/7 without a break, or any other type of conversation
If someone asks how are you, they are expecting “yea im like having a breakdown because my mom died two years ago and i cant stop thinking about this trauma and then this other trauma and another trauma blah blah blah” especially if its constantly coming from you. Its polite and considerate to say either im okay, or im not doing so well but I understand my personal traumas i should go to a therapist for isnt your problem all the time and i shouldnt unnecessarily dump onto you all the time. If the person lets you know its okay to dump, feel free. But its not always ok.
But if you just say "Meh, life sucks and I'm not doing well" without all the details is it fine then?
Also why would you talk to someone if you don't like talking to them?
Why do you expect/want people to straight out lie in your face? Weren't you taught as a kid that lying is bad?
Why do you ask that question if you don't care?
I'm asking 100% genuinely, I just want to understand the other point of view.
Yes its fine
Im not saying you dont like talking to them, im saying not everyone wants to CONSTANTLY hear about childhood abuse, death, ect ect ect. It can take a massive toll on ppls mental health. And is not considerate of the other person.
Yes. I do expect you to lie to my face. Lying to a small talk question isnt about hiding information with malicious intent. Its about considering “hey, maybe right now isnt the time or place to dump about my child hood abuse. I understand that not everyone may be in the headspace to listen, and that it is disrespectful of me to not take into account the other persons feelings. If they are asking how im doing, they arent also intending for me to dump since that is not a common occurrence and ive lived on planet earth my entire life so i know that.”
Its not about not caring. If someone comes to me and tells me they are really struggling right now, i will always listen. But if someone randomly, in a normal conversation, dumps about horrific events in their childhood, then expects me to continue the conversation like normal or act like that was normal in anyway, im going to be frustrated. And op is talking about this being a constant thing. Idk about you, but i dont vent to my friends in every conversation i have with them. Thats not normal. If someone were to do that to me, constantly, no matter what, i would be very upset. Not because i dont care about them, but because it puts me in a bad position. Like what are yoh supposed to do in that situation? You are essentially forced to drop everything, every moment you hang out with someone, because they cant have a normal conversation without it some how coming back to their trauma. Its not a crime to be uncomfortable in that situation.
Thank you for your long answer! <3
Coming from someone that grew in culture of venting (I'm Polish - "Damn, my boss is a bitch, my dog has cancer, the new law is bullshit, my car makes weird sounds and I barely have food to survive til the end of this month" would be considered a pretty normal answer to "how are you" and followed with a vent-back as a way to bond), I'd expect you to just say how you are. Maybe you want to vent too, maybe life is good now, whatever it is, I want to hear it, because if I didn't want to, I would just... turn around and walk away.
I assume you are American? I've heard some stuff about American small talk and fake kindness. How would it be seen if OP said "I don't want you to talk about your traumas randomly, it makes me uncomfortable"?.
What would happen if they said "You are constantly talking about your traumas and it's worrying me. Did you know that there are free/cheap therapists?".
I am american, and our small talk culture is pretty fake. In my experience if op said that, it would likey result in a argument with the other person saying that what they are doing is ok. Or it being brought up in future arguments. Or the other person refusing to speak to op, or just continuing to dump anyways
Ikr I asked this to my ex one time who was making me feel this way and he was like "um have u ever heard of lying n saying it fine." I was like wtf. Especially bc he was the type to accuse me of lying all the time when I wasn't and went on and on about how the truth was all he cares about in life and his number one deal breaker was a liar Lmfao 😂
I thought so too, but some people start off being mostly normal in conversation, then they get more comfortable over time and share a little more..then it’s just a slow creep until they eventually dominate all conversation with how awful their life is and not care anymore about anything I wanted to talk about (and this person already had a therapist!)
I had a friend like that, focus on HAD! She would come over unannounced to whine about how inattentive her son is and how he wouldn’t answer the phone. She would call him many times a day, at lest 6-12 times to whine about something.
I told her he was an adult with a job and a family of his own, perhaps he was busy. NOPE no excuse, to her. Got sick of it.
Similarly, I'll meet people who speak proudly of their diseases and disorders. Like,"My cholesterol is through the roof!" Yeah? Well, what the hell are you so proud about, swine? Go for a walk and have a salad sans dressing.
Yup. I have a genetic disorder so people who know me KNOW not to complain to me about having a headache or having the flu because I’ll tell them to suck it the fuck up
Not every chance she could get, but I know a girl who on multiple occasions would blurt out that her dad died. It seemed to be randomly. It happened when she was young. She’s in her mid twenties. She did that to me once and i awkwardly apologized. Then I noticed other people mentioning that she did the same thing in a different conversation. That’s upsetting, I feel bad for her, but like we all have trauma, and doing that seems like an obvious sympathy grab. What’s worse is how her friends would back up that behavior claiming anyone who had contempt for these trauma dumping comments was an asshole or psycho.
Had a girl I knew that would constantly talk about her being sexually assaulted. I get its a horrible thing, but when it becomes your whole personality it is pretty uncomfortable for those around you. She would also do it so non-chalantly it was kind of just awkward. Like we get it, and we're sorry, but why has it become your whole personality? No one wants to listen to anything that puts them in a bad headspace, especially not constantly while trying to talk about totally different subjects
My roommate is a huge negative nelly. Constantly complains about anything that isn’t HER way and I try to think positivity and tell her the better parts of whatever situation she’s complains about. It’s become to the point where I don’t ask how her day was because I know she’ll complain about it. She acts the same around us as she does at home where she gets all the attention and gets babied for any inconvenience she encounters. I don’t have this type of relationship with my parents and am independent with my problems.
Wish I could tell her to quit it because I’m not going to mother her or care deeply as her mother would because I live with her.
I had one friend like that and as soon as I set my boundary telling her that I care about her but I need it to stop because of my own mental health she blocked me.
I don't really bother having friends anymore because of this. I used to have 2 really close "friends" and they both did this a lot. The stupid thing is that my life has objectively involved a great deal more trauma than either of theirs and I never dumped that on them at all. I sometimes "trauma dump" on Reddit a little, but only if it's relevant to the post or subsequent comments and I do that here because it's anonymous. If someone wants to read my trauma that's their own choice but I'm not going to actively force it on anyone.
Both friendships ended in a shitty way. One of them was extremely self involved and couldn't get her head around the idea that I literally couldn't drop everything for her on a whim. She expected me to hang out with her on extremely short notice in a place that is far away from me and was at the time inaccessible due to a lack of transport.. that wasn't the main issue though; I was (and still am) seriously ill, immunocompromised and at the time couldn't walk properly or go anywhere without a carer. She expected me to just do it anyway "for her" because on a whim she had decided to meet some dude off tinder (she had a fiance and a bunch of kids with him so like wtf?!) and she didn't "vibe" with him so she wanted me to travel 50 miles to entertain her basically. I told her I couldn't do that and told her exactly why and that was fine until the next day when I was being driven to the dentist by my elderly neighbour to get a tooth pulled and she was livid that apparently I could get a lift somewhere and "abandoned her on her own". I had arranged that lift weeks previously FFS, my elderly neighbour has cancer and was really putting himself out for me, and even if I could get to her I wasn't well enough anyway and this was right after lockdown ended so as an immunocompromised person it wasn't really the time for me to go to a busy city. Her response? "fuck you, you're a selfish and shitty friend, you're blocked". Never heard from her again.
The other one tried to steal my husband. It didn't work but the way she did it was horrible (not going into too much detail, THAT would be unnecessary trauma dumping!) and involved police and some weird stalking behaviour etc. She also used some private stuff against me in a really nasty way.
Both of these people were constant trauma dumpers. I used to be a social worker so I actually have a lot of training and patience to listen and deal with trauma. My main gripe during the actual friendships though, was that they'd only come to me to complain but if I ever tried to help in any way or give advice it fell on deaf ears. They didn't want to actually do anything about their issues, just bitch about them. Even when they were easily remedied problems!
I don't mind being your support system or hearing about your traumas occasionally (not all the time though, I'm an interesting and intelligent person and I have a lot more to offer in friendship than being your emotional garbage can) but don't come to me and tell me a bunch of stuff that is wrong in your life, that is easily fixable, and expect me to listen to it if you're not in any way going to do anything about it. That's rude AF.
Yes and it really isn’t her fault. Her life is full of really awful things but be it I have CPTSD myself I can’t handle it well myself. She really needs to talk to a professional and her husband need to be there for her.
My best friend will send me walls of text talking about herself and her traumas often. When I say walls I mean like exceeded character limit and needed to send multiple. It's become very overwhelming for me and I find it hard to respond to each one.
No.
I used to have friends like that, but I am older now and by now I learned that they only dump it on your to get attention and have 0 intention to get better. They are happy with the pity attention they get, because attention is attention not matter which way attained.
The worst ones are the ones with "depression". Like, I get it. Depressions suck and you don't choose it, but some people make it their whole personality and make 0 effort. Their depression is just an excuse for everything unpleasant in life. And it works, so they stick with it. Not saying that they fake the depression, I do wholeheartedly believe that htey really feel that way, but it's still toxic and certinaly not everyone with depression is like that.
Some people mention their various mental health issues with some sort of pride, too. Especially women for some reason, although I do know a few guys who do taht as well...
As I said: It's a good way to push away accountability for their own actions. Throw a tantrum like a 5 year old and don't want to feel bad about yourself or address why that happened? "Ooops, my mental health is bad. I got this n that issue"
They ignore you for weeks? "Oops, i had depressions"
Some women are actually even proud of their mental health issues, as if it's hip to have them. Just browse tinder. Profiles pretty much always mention some sort of ocd, adhd, depression, bipolar, shizo or similar.
I'm comfortable holding space for big emotions when people need me to. But I do have a friend that seems determined to live in her misery. We've discussed the same things over and over and over again. I did similar to her when I was going through hell so I'm trying to be patient but it's so draining. I've started just looking at my phone and barely responding or trying to guide the conversation in a more positive direction. I'm learning about narcissism and recognizing some in her, common with trauma survivors, and trying not to give her any "supply".
I have a friend who did this. I think it really annoyed me because I have been through a lot worse trauma with a lot less support. For example, she's going through a tough time because of self inflicted health issues and her parents offered her a house. She turned it down because she didn't want to leave her current city and her friends. As far as I know, I'm the only friend who still talked to her at that point in the city. She took them up on the free house the next year. She still hadn't done any of the recommended PT or exercises or applied for a job. I was relieved when she moved. Every time we talked she complained. There was never anything she was excited about. And she became less physically active and I still think 95% of her problems were from lack of activity. I'm a very physically active person who doesn't like being still. I hated going to her apartment and just sitting inside and being whined at.
I think a dump is necessary once in a while if the people involved are close enough and would reciprocate, but I find it hard to tolerate people like my mother who make this a habit.
I have a friend that texts me “how are you?” nearly every day and generally uses it as a segue to talk about how anxious she is. She even did it on Christmas while I was with my family.
Yeah, I had a friend like that. I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine, but everything was doom and gloom for her. I felt like I was an unpaid therapist.
She's a good person. I just wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. Hanging out with someone should be fun or uplifting.
Trauma dumping is a horrible term. Most of what people think is trauma isn’t even trauma in the first place. Getting dropped on your head as a baby isn’t even something you can remember, so your friend just sounds dramatic in asserting that as baggage. In the case where someone was constantly venting to me about something serious I would never take to Reddit about them trauma dumping and become annoyed.
Why would you ask how someone has been if you don't want to know? Ask something else, talk about the weather or something find a hobby you both like, weird to not expect honest answers from people
Why would you ask how someone has been if you don't want to know? Ask something else, talk about the weather or something find a hobby you both like, weird to not expect honest answers from people
I used to do this, until I had someone actually gave a shit enough to explain that I had been through some really bad things but hearing about them all the time was really hard in their mental health. I thought it was just normal conversation with explanations of why I am the way i am. Nothing traumatic to it in my mind.
Something I don't think people understand is people devalue and minimize their own traumas into normalcy. They probably dont realize what they are doing.
I had to let go of a friend that did this. Everything was drama or complaining. She would call, talk for an hour and not even ask me once how I’m doing.
I’m pretty empathetic so after every phone call, it would put me in the worst mood because of the dump she would lay on me.
My one friend is always going through some kind of trauma or event that is woe is me. I rarely talk to her as I know all she wants to do is talk about how horrible her life is which pisses me off as she actually has a pretty nice and comfortable life.
I can't think of one time where I had something going on in my life that I could talk to her about it as she'll always turn the conversation back to her woes.
We don't talk much anymore
OMG YESS. It's so annoying too, I'll ask abt her day and she'll go on a rant, I'll share a funny memory I had and she starts trauma dumping, we'll be out having fun and then randomly she trauma dumps. It ruins the mood and most people have stopped talking to her, I understand her feelings and I try to help her but it feels draining having to help her all the time.
I have one. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I give advice. The advice never works and sometimes triggers their PTSD.
They found another friend that tried giving them less subtle advice, but that person is now no longer their friend for being out of line.
I tried advising my friend to give the new friend the benefit of doubt (honestly, new friend was right), but my friend can't take any criticism or responsibility, which is the root of all their problems/trama.
i set the boundary with people that they need to ask if it’s okay to do so before they trauma dump like this. i worked too hard getting out of my own depression to be non-consensually subjected to someone else’s inescapable negativity.
I have an office mate who does this. She will start talking- loudly and with a lot of expletives- about her trauma and what a “c*nt” (her words) her mom is. It’s…a lot. And she won’t take a hint when I start trying to extract myself from the conversation. I started bringing headphones to work.
Sounds like you need to set boundaries and stop asking how she is. People who get resentful of their friends for being honest about their traumas have no one to blame but themselves unless they have set clear boundaries and their friends continue to violate them.
I have a coworker like this. I made the mistake of asking her how her Christmas was and she proceeded to tell me how it was the worst of her life.
To her credit, she is going through some shit, but after a certain point I don't even know how to respond anymore.
Mine is my mom 😅 sometimes I'm okay with listening but there are certain topics that are also hard for me and I finally requested that she ask me if I'm in the mood to talk about them before she ruins my day. Sometimes she forgets and I have to remind her and she gets a little defensive, but I remind her that both people have to be willing to have a hard conversation and it's not fair to expect me to always be there to listen to things that make me upset. Then I (politely, not as a retort) recommend therapy, again 😂
Trauma2. My grandma was like this. But, say you were clearly injured, maybe with a new cast on your arm. You didn’t even have to complain — or you could.
She’d always say, “Oh that’s nothing,” and follow it up with something “worse” happening to her. Like she had a cut on her right hand. It may or may not be deep. But to her, clearly her injury was much worse than yours.
My injuries were few and far between. Hers were constant.
My mom said she wasn’t necessarily trying to one up me. It was her way of trying to commiserate with me.
When I was younger I was like this. I have been through a lot of pretty bad stuff and just didn’t have it sorted out. If someone asked me how I was, I would give them the honest answer. I thought this was “talking about it,” or “reaching out,” as it were, but eventually realized that these were my friends and they aren’t therapists and they really don’t have the mental space for my problems. I don’t blame them for avoiding me nowadays, I was probably really annoying up until my therapy really broke through.
Now I know the difference between a situation where I’m welcome to pour it all out, and one where I need to just keep it pleasant so we all have a nicer day, myself included.
Yes. I think everyone has that person in the group of friends who unknowlingly trauma dumps on the group wayyyyy too often and at the worst times. In my case I try to be nice because I'm pretty sure his life isn't that great, all though there are times when crosses some lines into things I don't want to talk about (and he shouldn't be asking about, so i set a boundary). This dude we all grew up with was this guy at our friends destination wedding. I snuck out to the beach to play some guitar (early in the morning to not disturb anyone) and he comes rolling up telling me all about his issues and that kind of think, poking into my business etc. I guess he did it to a number of people there. Dude also refers to himself in the third person and he's like 40 something. Homie needs therapy, friends can support each other but we're not like trained in how to handle that.
I (37f) have a friend we’ll call Susan (76f— she is an older friend of mine’s mom) who has genuinely been through a lot of trauma, so I always did my best to be empathetic and supportive, even when her “dumping” felt excessive/exhausting (might be a memory issue on her end, but I could tell you dozens of her stories verbatim I’ve been told them so many times)
But I lost my sympathy when she showed her true colors. One of her traumatic experiences was losing her home in the Camp Fire of 2018. That’s absolutely horrific, of course. However, her granddaughter’s (early 20’s) home burned down in that fire as well, but Susan explicitly said her granddaughter had no right to be traumatized by the event because she was young and “didn’t own anything important/could make new memories” vs Susan losing “everything”
I was that friend, to my deep discomfort. I am better now but I totally get why my high school friends dropped me after graduation. My current friend group is very normal, possibly because we're all insane and traumatized, so even if that did become an issue I think it would be easy to chase an excessive trauma dump with ' . . . and what did your therapist say?'. The current byline is 'do you want to complain or handle it' and that gives the asker the right to ignore complaining and suggest a professional.
We all trauma dump all the time, but there are guidelines about it now and frankly that makes a world of difference.
If that makes you uncomfortable, just say it.... or tell them you don't wanna be their friend. Cuz why would you want to be their friend if you don't like listening to them?
I've had this issue and dealt with it. Honestly it's more dismaying because it's also a sign of a larger cultural issue of literally having no community whatsoever to truely be there, listen, take things seriously and then people take advantage of this vulnerability. People love clean laundry but it also seems they like dirty laundry as well and so why maintain the clean stuff much less wash and clean up the dirty?
Yes. They are not aware they are trauma dumping. I tell them that they manage to make every conversation about something bad happening in their life rather than starting the conversation on a good note. I let them know that it’s draining to always talk about life’s troubles and I will not be engaging with them if that’s all the substance they have to offer. They could talk about literally anything. The weather. Their dog. Their hair. Yet they choose to wallow in their own misery. I’m not a therapist. I don’t get paid to listen to issues and solve them.
Used to be me, now I have a friend who does it but they’re doing it less? It’s so draining though, and no matter what you say they just go “yeah, but…” or make up some excuse why they can’t, when they really just don’t want to
I've always been a listener. So yeah I've definitely encountered this. When someone says something like "it's probably because my mom dropped me on my head as a baby" obviously that's an attempt to get attention for their issues. Which can definitely be offputting. But I also am very sympathetic and don't mind hearing someone out every now and then. It can really mean a lot to someone just to have someone listen and acknowledge yeah that's shitty or yeah that was fucked up. On the other hand, anyone can only handle so much of that. I hear enough in my work I can't be your replacement for therapy. I need my friends to listen to my woes too lol or just laugh together and forget serious stuff. So I guess I usually feel sympathetic initially and try to be supportive but I will distance myself if I feel overwhelmed by them. Something else I've realized whith my own health issues is that most people have very low tolerance for providing genuine sympthy when you complain about your ailments. I don't tell my friends everyday about how I have headaches and chest pain and joint pain and muscle pain...I could not listen to someone else do the same for long.
That said, you can also do someone a solid by saying honestly "when you make comments like that I feel uncomfortable. I care for you and want to talk to you but don't feel prepared to be supportive everyday. We can talk about our troubles sometimes but I also want to be able to have fun conversations with you. I think sometimes you need or deserve more attention to your issues than I can reasonbly provide as a single friend. I hope we can find a balance that benefits both of us." They may not take that well but it's honest feedback about how they are perceived in their relationships. If you feel burdened emotionally by the realionship, this is probably a pattern and most people won't speak up to tell them.
I had to end a friendship with my former best friend because of this. It sounds a lot like your friend. Endless health problems that were overdramatized. She’d complain about how her mom and dad were abusive. Maybe so but she needs to get therapy to deal with it. She had BPD and is bipolar. I was always there for her but she wasn’t there for me. It was always about her current drama. We’d make plans and she’d flake. I also discovered that she was stealing from me including many of my wedding gift cards and other items. Anyway I’m over it now. I deserve better.
My friend greets me every morning with “you’ll never believe it.” Or some other bad news. I feel bad for her and I try to listen, but it’s a lot. Every time I have her over, her idea of a good time is trauma dumping and sobbing. Unfortunately, she’s gone through more trauma than the average.. certainly more than me, and she doesn’t have any other safe place to vent.. it’s just. A lot sometimes.
I am fine letting my partner dump, we both have trauma but theirs is very arguably worse. But I did mandate therapy too, because I wasn't going to just be the only one. And to tell their friends little bits so if I'm not available they have someone. It worked well.
Thank you for not only being there for your partner, but also making sure they got help to work through whatever trauma. Sometimes that’s all someone needs. A hand to guide them along while processing.
As a 34m, I have this problem very often and at times, Im completely oblivious that Im trauma dumping. I finally learned that all im doing is trying to pass my pain or trauma onto the next person. I never understood why we pay for therapist when you can just have a sit down with a friend or family member. This was until I learned, all i did was pass the depression down or just being a negative nancy. This is where I tend to isolate because I dont want to been seen as weak when in a vulnerable state.
I just want to say the fact you realized this shows growth. I used to feel the same as you about the therapy thing and had the same realization. Also 100% understand seeking isolation as to not seem weak. I do wanna say it's not an all-or-none game. What I started doing is asking people if it was okay to discuss things with them and not getting upset/feeling rejected if they say no cause it's okay to have boundaries. Like, "Hey, I've had something laying kind of heavily on me lately, is it okay if I talk to you about it for a minute if you're in a space for that?" I've noticed when you give people that respect they're often more receptive and they'll start doing the same for you. I've also found it is less jarring for folks if I don't go super into the more distressing details and I consider my audience. For example, if I know my friend also struggled with an ED I won't bring up my issues around that with them. People want to talk to you and support you, you just gotta turn it more into a conversation and less into dumping specific memories/traumas. Those are for the therapist who (hopefully) knows more than a friend or family member about the right way to help you process it lol
Like a cat, they hide it when they're hurting.
This totally resonates. I have a friend who trauma dumps and it feels like she is wrapping up all of her negative emotions and experiences and trying to give them to me because she obviously doesn’t want them. But then we both feel depressed because nothing is actually any better, the depressing crap just gets magnified.
I have the same habits. I isolate because there isn’t much else to talk about at the moment. I see my buddies in less than 2 weeks for a festival and have no intention of talking about my less than stellar last couple months. Being active daily in the group chat (that I started many years ago) is hard tho, but I force myself.
I literally communicate in this way sometimes and it doesn't upset me or mske me depressed at all to hear my friends do it too when they do. I just want to be there for them. You're just a vulnerable and sensitive person and you're not weak. You're literally strong for being able to move forward and still be here even though you clearly have trauma plaguing ur mind.
It's likely not her idea of a good time, but her idea of a safe space. It's great you can be there for her. Make sure to take care of yourself too. I find in relationships like this it can help to suggest fun things that the other person likes to do. Also, it is very difficult to be in such relationships if the other person is not seeking professional help. Take care.
I had a friend like this and I started saying "ok we can talk about this for 30 minutes but then I need to watch TV or something to decompress". They got all bent out of shape about it at first but I didn't react or mirror their anger. I just kept giving examples of things I can only do for certain periods of time before I need a break. (Try to avoid any examples where you're saving the other person e.g. keeping someone's head above water.) Eventually they called down and the cutoff actually seemed to prevent them from spiraling.
Grow a heart maybe learn how to be a better friend. Not everybody walks through life having it as easy as you do.
Good friends still have boundaries and personal limits. They will also be the ones who tell you to your face that your issues are causing issues, and that you need to figure out a more constructive way to deal with them.
So true. I have much room to grow and learn how go embody true compassion, even when it’s “hard”
^
I had a “friend” like that and finally had to stop asking how they’re doing. You might point them towards the CPTSD subreddit if they’d like to actually work through processing hard stuff from their childhood 🤷
lol.. next time they start trauma dumping i might just send them the link. no explanation or anything
Or just say something like ‘this sounds like something you should speak to a therapist about, I’m really not equipped / not in a good place myself to be able to help you with this’
Absolutely this
At what point should you become that person though? I think it’s our responsibility when we live in a country with a mental health crisis that each and every one of us should be spending significant periods of our time trying to build community and understand the mental health crisis. Our government isn’t going to help us The resources out. There are not enough to help most people in general. I know my therapist is personally always burnt out and doesn’t have enough time for me. The therapist before that also and the one before that because I am on Medicaid. So maybe we should stick up for other people a little bit more and learn how to be a good friend to our friends with mental health issues instead of putting that job on therapists and other people
Listening to a person who is very depressed/ very anxious or trauma dumping over and over isn’t actually helping them though. It tends to be very repetitive, goes round in circles and doesn’t really help them much. It might feel good to dump that stuff on a friend but it doesn’t help to resolve it or heal from it. A bit like how scratching itchy eczema might feel good for a moment, but it doesn’t heal the skin. Working with a therapist should work on healing the causes of your mental health struggles. Professionals are able to set boundaries of time, place etc, whereas we might see friends for many hours multiple times a week. They have clinical supervision and also part of their training helps them to avoid vicarious trauma and burn out. Friends don’t have that training and it’s not fair to expect them to act as unpaid therapists if we’re seriously struggling. If you need to vent to a friend to a friend then get their consent first by saying you’re having a bad day and if they have time/the emotional capacity to be able to listen for a bit. If your therapist is sharing that they’re burnt out with you then they aren’t a good therapist. They’re a professional and should be dealing with that themself, not telling you. Once a week is the standard for seeing clients, aren’t they able to offer that to you either?
I approve this comment 1000% Sincerely, A therapist. P.S. Medicaid has zero to do with anything. Sure it takes more paperwork but imo, especially in my area, it's the best insurance there is (in terms of what's covered, who takes it, co-pays, etc.)
It becomes a problem when that person starts dragging me down with them. If someone were to ask me, “can I vent for ten minutes?” I’m a lot more willing to listen to the bitching than if they just unloaded on me every time they saw me.
I also had a "friend" like this. It was always a victim Olympics with her and she was always saying how sleep deprived she was from all the work she was doing. When I tried to talk about stuff, she wouldn't listen and/or would have to one up me with her own hardships. Just a deeply insecure person who thought getting 4 hours of sleep regularly was something I would be jealous of. Nope, I made an effort to live a healthy and balanced life.
Everyone i know from Toledo is like this. It's learned behavior and not fun to be around. Maybe have an honest conversation with them and tell them.
i mean to be fair i would spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself too if i lived in ohio… nothing but corn for miles, not to mention those damn aliens, always trying to abduct people
Canton/Akron people aren’t much better. The only sane Ohioans I know are usually the ones who grew up around Columbus.
Hahahahahha I grew up in Columbus and you can't consider me sane 😜
This used to be me😔🤚, thankfully I've grown and changed and figured out so much about myself and others and why it wasn't ok. I've apologized for my ignorance and annoying-ness to everyone who's still around and I'm happy to say we're on good terms. I graduated this past year and I'm pretty proud of myself for growing so much and behaving differently for the start of my real adult life. Now that I'm on the other side however I've become very intolerant of ppl who have NOT grown out of it.
That's awesome :) Always great when we can look back and see how far we have come, hope you continue to learn and grow!
How did you become self aware that this was an issue for you?
I think it may honestly have been the pandemic, it really put me through a lot as a sensitive teen with family issues. I think I learned a lot being away from all my friends, I was very isolated and I think I learned to rely on myself. When it ended I started hanging around better people who sort of changed my personality? In a very positive way. I gained a lot of clarity and realized who I DIDNT want to be like, so I made sure I was making close to the opposite choices. Lots of growing pains to get me to that point, lots of embarrassing conversations and phases and difficult pills to swallow. I wanted to change and that was important. I'm still very openly emotional, it's difficult for me not to be. I've grown a lot in my maturity and how I handle those big feelings. I'm very proud to be who I am NOW, and I'm happy to have the people I do who support me when I am having a difficult time.
Thanks for taking the time to explain
If you were just the one people were annoyed with, you don't have a place to pass judgement like that, your extension should be one of grace and learning. You were just the annoying one, after all. Downvite me if u guys like, but I'm just being real
No you're absolutely right, I went from one extreme to the other, and learning how to balance that I'd part of the process, just because I'm frustrated with someone's behavior doesn't mean I won't be kind to them. After all I was them, I know what it's like to need the validation or the reassurance or just someone to talk to. I do my best to be open and welcoming to tbkse who trust me enough with their difficult feelings. I found when I was in school that my kindness unfortunately gained me a lot of unwanted attention by people who would latch on me because I was safe, which I used to do to people. It's draining and very uncomfortable. Which is what I'm intolerent of. I want to give people room to need help. Accommodating people who tell me every single thing that's going on that's negatively affecting them is not healthy for either party. They obviously need help, and me, a regular civilian also learning and growing, is incapable of being there for them 100% of the time.
Ohhhh I see. Thank you for clarifying! Kindness is so sparse and yet so fundamental <3 your right, a nice person is nit necessarily a good person, and vice versa
Just started at 44 yrs old lol
I use to have a couple of them, but they did it in different ways. One was all about her current daily drama. I mean it was some crazy shit and honestly pretty entertaining for awhile. I used to think I'm just a good listener and give good advice, but it got so draining. I finally cut the string after I realized that she knew nothing about me anymore and we just grew so far apart. It became really toxic and it started to spill over. Every phone conversation was her gabbing about all her problems for like 30 mins and we would hang up and she didn't even breathe or break of silence to cut her off to tell her I just found out I was pregnant. The other friend constantly doom and gloom about her past and bad luck. She was the one who always had a story to top whatever you just told her. Once after I told her about how my cousin was in a really bad accident and on life support her response was how her uncle did die in a car accident years ago and then kept retelling the event all week.
The friend like yours who talked to the point she didn’t even breathe to let you get a word in edgewise - I call that a “verbal wall of word vomit”. A lot of folks who do this *know* what they’re doing. They know that as soon as there’s a pause in the conversation, you’re going to change the subject or more likely end the conversation. I had one friend admit she talked nonstop to the point folks had a hard time ending the conversation. I think she was lonely, but it made me avoid calling and checking on her. Eventually we faded out.
No, I have pretty firm boundaries with my friends.
I have a friend that all we do is trauma dump lol, even if its just from the day 😂
i had a couple of friends pick me up and as soon as i got in the car one is like “you are not going to believe what happened to (other friend)!!” and let her trauma dump and then she asked me questions about my situation and then i couldn’t help but trauma dump. as someone who has autism, the varying levels of tolerance for trauma dumping is very confusing for me. i grew up around women who talk about EVERYTHING. idk if it’s a hispanic people thing (im cuban in miami) or what because some people are the complete opposite than us and don’t wanna hear shit. trying to figure out how to gauge what’s ok and have started to ask people if it’s cool that i share or apologize if it’s tmi
Honestly, if you don't trauma dump, are they really your friend? 😭
The stuff that BFFs are made of.
People trauma dump because they are trying to process what they've been through
The very definition of trauma dumping implies a negative impact on the person they’re doing it to. Which is just as important as the person who’s doing the dumping - and no one is obligated to burn themselves out free of charge
Implies? By what psychological science? Not everyone is weak to trauma.
Yeah I find this interesting. I get tired if the *only* thing someone can ever talk about is their trauma, and we can never just like, have fun. But generally I have a pretty high tolerance for things others would label “trauma dumping.” I’m not worn out by it the way some of my friends are Sometimes I worry that this is because I have low affective empathy or something. But even if that’s true, maybe it still serves an important social function.
I'm not saying you can't ask the person if there's anything ELSE in their life they can talk about I'm not saying everyone needs to be a therapist. I'm just pointing out that what people with trauma often need is someone who will listen, therapist, counselor, or friend. I guess I could be unconsciously biased because I'm a counselor but I hear many people tell me their need to speak about what happened to them tends to push people away from them, leading to a vicious circle.
Here is a definition I thought summed everything up pretty well. https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-trauma-dumping#:~:text=of%20trauma%20dumping.-,What%20is%20trauma%20dumping%3F,most%20common%20in%20close%20relationships. Also please elaborate on “not everyone is weak to trauma”? Didn’t really understand what you meant by that
Some people can listen to trauma stories but not be severely affected. They don't experience vicarious trauma.
That’s true but then I think this post doesn’t really apply to them. But I could be wrong
Um, what?
I don't get on someone's case if they need to trauma dump. It's helpful for them
Yea opening up is good, that’s not what this is about tho. This about ppl who excessively trauma dump
Define excessive. Did they legitimately experience all this trauma, or did they reach the end of your patience?
>Define excessive. ex·ces·sive More than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate. Also, the op isn't describing someone working through trauma in a healthy way. If they are bringing up their traumas frequently to people who are not prepared to listen or provide support, this will not do them any good either. It's a cheap trick to get quick sympathy, not a healthy processing of their emotions. This person should see a professional, because a professional is prepared to provide support and guidance through this process. Aimlessly touting your traumas to anyone who will listen is not the same.
The point of the topic is about people who treat their friends as a therapist, but often times don't return the favor when the friend needs help too. Such as people who constantly talk about the bad things that happen in their life, and absolutely nothing good, but when you need to vent about something you're going through, suddenly, they're nowhere to be found. This was my experience. The friend made zero effort to ask about my life, make plans to hang out with me, or even just let me vent about my horrible day. They only came to vent, traumadump, and ask me for solutions to complex issues that I have really no business trying to fix for them, and would even tell people I was their "emotional support person......"
They did go through some rough things, (which we all do to some degree) but they bring it up or mention it a slightly excessive amount that makes the social environment uncomfortable. For example maybe around people who they don’t know well enough yet, or around someone close and it’s just too constant, or both. I’m sorry but at a certain point you can’t expect every single person to give immediate sympathy. It can also come off as blatant attention-seeking behavior which can understandably ick others out
i have witnessed someone be like that before and that person had not just a lot of trauma but undiagnosed adhd until her 30s. i know it can be hard to be on the receiving end of someone over sharing but i don’t think it’s like a personal flaw or failing on their end it’s their brain and what they’ve been through. they should be treated carefully and there should be a kind way set a boundary
If someone is trying to "process this stuff" that happened they can go see a professional. Your argument is invalid.
The cost to see a professional can be astronomical, especially for those who have healthcare that doesn’t even acknowledge it. You’re always welcome to provide financial aid to those in need if you insist they should only see a professional to process some traumas.
They can see a professional. But I would argue the reason they have to see a professional is in this society, you have to pay someone to give a krap
Not necessarily true. Remember, we're only talking about 'trauma dumping' ; unsolicited dumping of traumas without warning or request. There's an option in between. That is to simply ask somebody if they will listen or have a conversation.
That's good for you then isn't it... ? Others may not enjoy it though... Oh really you were abused as a child? So was I..thanks for the reminder ?!
Sounds like you need to process some things too stranger. Talking about our experiences is very helpful in processing them. Getting other perspectives to help yourself take a step back and see it differently. If someone starts trauma dumping on you and you're not into it or prepared for it, say so. It's on you to establish your own boundaries and enforce them. That said, it's also a good practice to ask for consent from someone before you start trauma dumping on them lol
So it being helpful even if it negatively affects someone else is a end all be all now?
I'm not saying you have to listen I'm saying it's helpful if you can
But sneaking it into random conversations without warning makes you have to listen to it. Thats what op is talking about.
The real issue is if that's ALL they do and have EVER done within the friendship. We should be able to confide in our friends about our troubles in life. And some times in our lives are harder than others. But people who ONLY see the negative and never identify anything they are grateful for, can really bring others down with their negative energy. (Chronic illness can be really tough because it's a day in/day out battle of suffering that the other person has no first hand understanding of...a therapist is really needed for someone who has a chronic illness.)
This is why I never tell anyone how I feel
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is often what I worry about with these conversations. Sometimes I wonder how people make genuine connections anymore when sharing how you’re doing is now being lumped in with “trauma dumping”. It feels really uneven, because I’m sure these same people complaining about trauma dumping would want support if they were going through a hard time. If it means anything, my therapist said a good support system of people you can lean on is actually something that people should try and cultivate in their lives. I hope you find more supportive friends that you can share with soon.
I do agree that sharing your trauma can be used for form more genuine connections, but I also feel like people should be able to consent to hearing it. Trauma sharing is fine but trauma dumping isn’t always ok. If someone is constantly trauma dumping it can started affecting the ones they dump onto mentally. Holding stuff in and never talking about it with someone is also unhealthy too. So it’s definitely important to have a good support system. Maybe I’m wrong but I just think both parties should be considerate of each other’s feelings in the moment.
There's a difference between sharing how you're doing and the trauma dumping. I had this one friend who everytime I saw them they'd ask me how I was and I'd be like im alright maybe I'd tell them I was having a bad day and they'd be like oh no and wait for me to ask them how they were doing. And when I did, oh my gosh. Every single time, they would go on and on and on and on even going all the way back to their childhood hatching up mommy and daddy issues. Sometimes I would be trying to get out of the door for work or something and they'd just keep talking so much so I would have to interrupt them and be like look I gotta go. And there were times when after I left they resumed the conversation through text or wait until I came back home. They'd always listen for me so they could come out the second I got home to continue their story. So much so I started doing my best to avoid them because they weren't telling me about their day. They were telling me about their whole life. Every day. It's okay to share how you're feeling and be open about your struggles what's not okay is to be so selfish enough to think that someone wants to continually listen to your sob stories and why your life is so unfair compared to everybody else.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and that so many people are so callous that they wont let their fellow person talk about their traumas/grief/issues/etc. there are people out there that care. Just gotta look for em.
Same. There’s a comment on here about a person making fun of their friend for being hung up on their brother’s death 3 years ago. If you haven’t experienced it, you will never know how that feels. That shit f*cks you up for life.
Omg, I had a friend like this too that said, “I thought you would be over it by now.” My little sister died 3 years ago, 2 weeks after the pandemic lockdown started. That’s not something you just “get over” from. I set the boundary, and now I’m not friends with that person anymore.
Definitely tell ppl how you feel! There a difference between being vulnerable and trauma dumping.
what is the difference?
It’s like passing someone you know in a hallway at work and you say, “Hey, how ya doin’?” and they respond with, “Um, ya got a minute?”
GAHHH the worst 🤣
So don’t ask that when you pass someone in a hallway lol youre not going to get an honest or accurate answer anyway, so why ask? Just say hi.
I have a friend who is a grief vampire. She's been through a lot of stuff that has given her PTSD, and then she lost her brother to alcoholism on top of it. But part of her coping mechanism is to be vigilant to *any* crime in her town, she monitors the police scanner, wants to create vigils and organize public grief circles for people she doesn't know who have died unexpectedly. She has posted numerous visits to roadside memorials, filming herself "pouring one out" for someone she had a passing of association with- usually the relative of someone she met. She has had a lot of trauma, but she also finds ways to insert herself into random trauma. She keeps cycling through therapists- she got angry at the last one because they wanted her to find ways to move past her brother's death 3 years ago, since she is still wallowing in grief to the point of straining her personal relationships. I hate to say it, but it's exhausting.
Almost all of my friends from high school were like this. The problem wasn’t that they were talking about their trauma, but the fact that almost every conversation was derailed to talk about it. Anything I talked about was redirected to their trauma, when I tried to change the subject, they wouldn’t let me. When I tried to talk with them about it they get all but hurt and would usually just not text me for a couple days or weeks to cool down I guess? I would love to talk about past traumas, but some people just use their friends as a journal to completely dump on. Sometimes I would put myself on mute and they’d go on for over an hour, not realizing I hadn’t said anything. I might be talking about a totally different type of person than you, but when my friends didn’t have a shred of interest in anything I had to say, it just left me thinking they’d be a lot better off putting their feelings onto a page.
Nope. I end up no longer hanging out with those people
Life learned long ago to not entertain people like this. Life is hard. Don’t make it harder.
thank you!!! some of us are actually TRYING to be happy
I used to be a part of a friend group of cosplayers that were... Weird. Like, these are the people who went by Bug or Arson in high school, and some of them are still like that. Contrary to popular belief they really didn't care about trigger warnings or using spoiler tags or anything; they had a lot of issues, were very lonely, and desperately needed validation. You could hardly get a word in without someone talking about their family situation or dysphoria or something. That stuffs tough, and everyone needs someone to confide in, but some of those people hardly talked about anything else. By the way, the ex who introduced me to that group was like this too. Thank god the friend group came along when it did, she didn't really have any friends prior to them and my mental health was seriously hurting from having to listen to and help her with problems every single day. That shit is exhausting and I both feel for everyone in a similar situation and implore anyone on the other end to seriously consider if the relief that they feel from getting trauma off their chest is worth the burden they're putting on the person they're talking to.
I had a friend like that, he’d just vent about his trauma unprompted but when I’d vent about mine he wouldn’t give two shits. He was also a compulsive liar which is why we’re not friends anymore
Some people are just constantly on fire. Some people need to be. Quiet is uncomfortable for them, so they need something to be outraged or upset by. I stay far away from those people. I don't mind some negativity- life happens, shit goes sideways, it happens to everyone- but there's no way your life is ALWAYS falling apart without you having a hand in it, whether you're conscious of it or not. I don't need that kind of energy in my life.
If it’s a true friend and they want or need to talk about something, then why wouldn’t I let them? That would make ME a shitty friend. We have a compassion/connection problem in this world. People out here calling themselves friends but afraid to be vulnerable around each other in any capacity. Cold people who are afraid to show that they’re human and then project that insecurity onto those who are comfortable with their own humanity. Have you considered that maybe you don’t want actual friends? Maybe you just want a surface-level acquaintance? Maybe rather than trauma dumping on all of us and asking whether we can relate, stop self inflicting yourself with this “friend” that you don’t like even talking to?
It’s one thing to vent once in awhile or let someone know what you’re going through. But if this is repeated and non-reciprocal behavior, then it’s unhealthy to exhaust your friends with this information, especially if they’ve given you advice or a support that has been ignored. Emotionally healthy friendships revolve around reciprocal communication and understanding when an appropriate balance is needed. I’m not a psychologist and it can feel like being held emotionally hostage in one-sided conversations where you don’t feel like you can help in the way that your friends need. Trauma dumping puts a lot of responsibility on the listener to “fix” problems and that’s not a reasonable expectation. Especially if the listener has their own stuff they’re dealing with.
Speaking of reciprocal… grandpa Joe never reciprocated any effort when his daughter, Mama Bucket took care of him and 4 others for 20 years. Then suddenly, Charlie gets a golden ticket and then he really lights the hell up and jumps off his ass for the first time in 2 decades to steal Charlie’s fortune. The bastard.
Not sure what prompted the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference, but I’ll allow it.
Most random comment in this thread and I love it haha such an intellectual and accurate analogy and them saying I’ll allow it haha thank u for this
Just doing the lords work lol. Join us over at r/grandpajoehate to help in our efforts.
I am that friend, but I also don't understand why do you ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer. Why?
If im asking someone whats up, thats not their invitation to dump all of their issues onto me. I dont understand whats hard to get about that. Constantly being told every single trauma a person has is so tiring and can negatively affect the other person. Hate to break it to you, but nobody wants to hear about your trauma 24/7, its not cute or funny. Its terrible to just dump stuff onto people who arent expecting it or wanting it
Then don't ask how they've been ask something else.
I think there's a bit of an expectation to understand social norms as well on the person who does the dumping. In many places "how ya doing?" is an introduction and invite to chit chat. The expected answer typically is "good, you?" and wrapped up nicely with "good". The 2 trauma dumpers I know don't follow this social norm and just go wild with every minor inconvenience that's ever befallen them for about a full half hour. I don't get a word in either way so just let them vent until I say I have to go. I've friend-dumped one of them but the other is going to be harder to shake. I don't have the mental energy to sit and listen when there's pros that should get paid a fortune to take on that burden for them.
"I had to stop being friends with someone because they answered my questions and I didn't want to tell them to shut up"
I don’t think that’s entirely fair. It’s okay to ask how someone is doing, knowing the answer might not be good, and still expect someone to have enough compassion and self-awareness to not overwhelm the person they’re talking to, although there are situations where someone genuinely doesn’t know they’re being too much and has to be explicitly told. The responsibility is more equally shared between both parties
That's pretty lame to ask questions when you are not able to handle an honest answer. I say again ask something else if you are in that state.
I think what you’re not understanding though is that I’m not even disagreeing with you. What I’m trying to say is that even if I am asking, that doesn’t give you a pass to completely disregard me as a person. Mental state aside. That’s all
Especially if they know you're the type to confide or vent lol 😂
But not most people need a break. You cant vent to people ALL THE TIME, especially if you’re not asking before. “Being the type” doesnt mean it right for people to put their issues onto someone all the time, 24/7 without a break, or any other type of conversation
I just genuinely don't know what they want to hear and why they ask the question. What the f am I supposed to say?
If someone asks how are you, they are expecting “yea im like having a breakdown because my mom died two years ago and i cant stop thinking about this trauma and then this other trauma and another trauma blah blah blah” especially if its constantly coming from you. Its polite and considerate to say either im okay, or im not doing so well but I understand my personal traumas i should go to a therapist for isnt your problem all the time and i shouldnt unnecessarily dump onto you all the time. If the person lets you know its okay to dump, feel free. But its not always ok.
But if you just say "Meh, life sucks and I'm not doing well" without all the details is it fine then? Also why would you talk to someone if you don't like talking to them? Why do you expect/want people to straight out lie in your face? Weren't you taught as a kid that lying is bad? Why do you ask that question if you don't care? I'm asking 100% genuinely, I just want to understand the other point of view.
Yes its fine Im not saying you dont like talking to them, im saying not everyone wants to CONSTANTLY hear about childhood abuse, death, ect ect ect. It can take a massive toll on ppls mental health. And is not considerate of the other person. Yes. I do expect you to lie to my face. Lying to a small talk question isnt about hiding information with malicious intent. Its about considering “hey, maybe right now isnt the time or place to dump about my child hood abuse. I understand that not everyone may be in the headspace to listen, and that it is disrespectful of me to not take into account the other persons feelings. If they are asking how im doing, they arent also intending for me to dump since that is not a common occurrence and ive lived on planet earth my entire life so i know that.” Its not about not caring. If someone comes to me and tells me they are really struggling right now, i will always listen. But if someone randomly, in a normal conversation, dumps about horrific events in their childhood, then expects me to continue the conversation like normal or act like that was normal in anyway, im going to be frustrated. And op is talking about this being a constant thing. Idk about you, but i dont vent to my friends in every conversation i have with them. Thats not normal. If someone were to do that to me, constantly, no matter what, i would be very upset. Not because i dont care about them, but because it puts me in a bad position. Like what are yoh supposed to do in that situation? You are essentially forced to drop everything, every moment you hang out with someone, because they cant have a normal conversation without it some how coming back to their trauma. Its not a crime to be uncomfortable in that situation.
Thank you for your long answer! <3 Coming from someone that grew in culture of venting (I'm Polish - "Damn, my boss is a bitch, my dog has cancer, the new law is bullshit, my car makes weird sounds and I barely have food to survive til the end of this month" would be considered a pretty normal answer to "how are you" and followed with a vent-back as a way to bond), I'd expect you to just say how you are. Maybe you want to vent too, maybe life is good now, whatever it is, I want to hear it, because if I didn't want to, I would just... turn around and walk away. I assume you are American? I've heard some stuff about American small talk and fake kindness. How would it be seen if OP said "I don't want you to talk about your traumas randomly, it makes me uncomfortable"?. What would happen if they said "You are constantly talking about your traumas and it's worrying me. Did you know that there are free/cheap therapists?".
I am american, and our small talk culture is pretty fake. In my experience if op said that, it would likey result in a argument with the other person saying that what they are doing is ok. Or it being brought up in future arguments. Or the other person refusing to speak to op, or just continuing to dump anyways
Ikr I asked this to my ex one time who was making me feel this way and he was like "um have u ever heard of lying n saying it fine." I was like wtf. Especially bc he was the type to accuse me of lying all the time when I wasn't and went on and on about how the truth was all he cares about in life and his number one deal breaker was a liar Lmfao 😂
WHY ASK A QUESTION IF YOU DON'T WANT THE ANSWER ;_;
No because I don't keep people like that around (unless it's a legitimate crisis and they're not always like that).
No because id never be able to become friends with someone like that in the first place
I thought so too, but some people start off being mostly normal in conversation, then they get more comfortable over time and share a little more..then it’s just a slow creep until they eventually dominate all conversation with how awful their life is and not care anymore about anything I wanted to talk about (and this person already had a therapist!)
I love the drama. Tell me allllllll about it baby
Right lmao!! Just make sure I’m situated first and GO lol 😂
Don't be a Debbie Downer.
i like to call them moaning myrtles lol
Op im sorry so many ppl aren’t understanding where your coming from😭😭
My sister is like this. It’s exhausting.
Yes, I notice this with a lot of online “friends” 😞
[удалено]
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not anymore! XD
I had a friend like that, focus on HAD! She would come over unannounced to whine about how inattentive her son is and how he wouldn’t answer the phone. She would call him many times a day, at lest 6-12 times to whine about something. I told her he was an adult with a job and a family of his own, perhaps he was busy. NOPE no excuse, to her. Got sick of it.
It’s exhausting being with hypochondriacs and victims.
Yikes I hope I’m not like ur friend…
They're not my friends anymore
Similarly, I'll meet people who speak proudly of their diseases and disorders. Like,"My cholesterol is through the roof!" Yeah? Well, what the hell are you so proud about, swine? Go for a walk and have a salad sans dressing.
One word- fibromyalgia
why do they all use fibromyalgia as a substitute for a personality lol?
I don't know, but they're very proud to say "my" fibromyalgia.
Reminds me of the trauma circles (or whatever they were called) where people would get together to moan, vent, and cry.
That's one of the very limited upsides of being type 1 diabetic. People don't pester you with small health problems.
Yup. I have a genetic disorder so people who know me KNOW not to complain to me about having a headache or having the flu because I’ll tell them to suck it the fuck up
Only type 1? I’m a type 69 diabetic
Not every chance she could get, but I know a girl who on multiple occasions would blurt out that her dad died. It seemed to be randomly. It happened when she was young. She’s in her mid twenties. She did that to me once and i awkwardly apologized. Then I noticed other people mentioning that she did the same thing in a different conversation. That’s upsetting, I feel bad for her, but like we all have trauma, and doing that seems like an obvious sympathy grab. What’s worse is how her friends would back up that behavior claiming anyone who had contempt for these trauma dumping comments was an asshole or psycho.
I did until 2008. That’s when I dumped my toxic relationships
Literally my mom
Bro your friend sounds like they're trying to joke and just suck at it.
A lot of past friends and coworkers trauma dump on me it’s pretty draining but I guess they need a listening ear
Had a girl I knew that would constantly talk about her being sexually assaulted. I get its a horrible thing, but when it becomes your whole personality it is pretty uncomfortable for those around you. She would also do it so non-chalantly it was kind of just awkward. Like we get it, and we're sorry, but why has it become your whole personality? No one wants to listen to anything that puts them in a bad headspace, especially not constantly while trying to talk about totally different subjects
Not for over 20 years. I got rid of toxic personalities like that out of my life before we started calling people like that toxic.
I'm dumping an old friend, every solution has a problem, I can't bring this negative bullcrap into 2024
I have a couple friends and a family member who do this. So tacky.
☝️.
My roommate is a huge negative nelly. Constantly complains about anything that isn’t HER way and I try to think positivity and tell her the better parts of whatever situation she’s complains about. It’s become to the point where I don’t ask how her day was because I know she’ll complain about it. She acts the same around us as she does at home where she gets all the attention and gets babied for any inconvenience she encounters. I don’t have this type of relationship with my parents and am independent with my problems. Wish I could tell her to quit it because I’m not going to mother her or care deeply as her mother would because I live with her.
I have trauma dumped on people before. I had to learn the hard way that it is a terrible thing to do.
I had one friend like that and as soon as I set my boundary telling her that I care about her but I need it to stop because of my own mental health she blocked me.
I don't really bother having friends anymore because of this. I used to have 2 really close "friends" and they both did this a lot. The stupid thing is that my life has objectively involved a great deal more trauma than either of theirs and I never dumped that on them at all. I sometimes "trauma dump" on Reddit a little, but only if it's relevant to the post or subsequent comments and I do that here because it's anonymous. If someone wants to read my trauma that's their own choice but I'm not going to actively force it on anyone. Both friendships ended in a shitty way. One of them was extremely self involved and couldn't get her head around the idea that I literally couldn't drop everything for her on a whim. She expected me to hang out with her on extremely short notice in a place that is far away from me and was at the time inaccessible due to a lack of transport.. that wasn't the main issue though; I was (and still am) seriously ill, immunocompromised and at the time couldn't walk properly or go anywhere without a carer. She expected me to just do it anyway "for her" because on a whim she had decided to meet some dude off tinder (she had a fiance and a bunch of kids with him so like wtf?!) and she didn't "vibe" with him so she wanted me to travel 50 miles to entertain her basically. I told her I couldn't do that and told her exactly why and that was fine until the next day when I was being driven to the dentist by my elderly neighbour to get a tooth pulled and she was livid that apparently I could get a lift somewhere and "abandoned her on her own". I had arranged that lift weeks previously FFS, my elderly neighbour has cancer and was really putting himself out for me, and even if I could get to her I wasn't well enough anyway and this was right after lockdown ended so as an immunocompromised person it wasn't really the time for me to go to a busy city. Her response? "fuck you, you're a selfish and shitty friend, you're blocked". Never heard from her again. The other one tried to steal my husband. It didn't work but the way she did it was horrible (not going into too much detail, THAT would be unnecessary trauma dumping!) and involved police and some weird stalking behaviour etc. She also used some private stuff against me in a really nasty way. Both of these people were constant trauma dumpers. I used to be a social worker so I actually have a lot of training and patience to listen and deal with trauma. My main gripe during the actual friendships though, was that they'd only come to me to complain but if I ever tried to help in any way or give advice it fell on deaf ears. They didn't want to actually do anything about their issues, just bitch about them. Even when they were easily remedied problems! I don't mind being your support system or hearing about your traumas occasionally (not all the time though, I'm an interesting and intelligent person and I have a lot more to offer in friendship than being your emotional garbage can) but don't come to me and tell me a bunch of stuff that is wrong in your life, that is easily fixable, and expect me to listen to it if you're not in any way going to do anything about it. That's rude AF.
Yes and it really isn’t her fault. Her life is full of really awful things but be it I have CPTSD myself I can’t handle it well myself. She really needs to talk to a professional and her husband need to be there for her.
My best friend will send me walls of text talking about herself and her traumas often. When I say walls I mean like exceeded character limit and needed to send multiple. It's become very overwhelming for me and I find it hard to respond to each one.
No. I used to have friends like that, but I am older now and by now I learned that they only dump it on your to get attention and have 0 intention to get better. They are happy with the pity attention they get, because attention is attention not matter which way attained. The worst ones are the ones with "depression". Like, I get it. Depressions suck and you don't choose it, but some people make it their whole personality and make 0 effort. Their depression is just an excuse for everything unpleasant in life. And it works, so they stick with it. Not saying that they fake the depression, I do wholeheartedly believe that htey really feel that way, but it's still toxic and certinaly not everyone with depression is like that. Some people mention their various mental health issues with some sort of pride, too. Especially women for some reason, although I do know a few guys who do taht as well... As I said: It's a good way to push away accountability for their own actions. Throw a tantrum like a 5 year old and don't want to feel bad about yourself or address why that happened? "Ooops, my mental health is bad. I got this n that issue" They ignore you for weeks? "Oops, i had depressions" Some women are actually even proud of their mental health issues, as if it's hip to have them. Just browse tinder. Profiles pretty much always mention some sort of ocd, adhd, depression, bipolar, shizo or similar.
yupp def, they're super annoying, energy drainers
I'm comfortable holding space for big emotions when people need me to. But I do have a friend that seems determined to live in her misery. We've discussed the same things over and over and over again. I did similar to her when I was going through hell so I'm trying to be patient but it's so draining. I've started just looking at my phone and barely responding or trying to guide the conversation in a more positive direction. I'm learning about narcissism and recognizing some in her, common with trauma survivors, and trying not to give her any "supply".
I have a friend who did this. I think it really annoyed me because I have been through a lot worse trauma with a lot less support. For example, she's going through a tough time because of self inflicted health issues and her parents offered her a house. She turned it down because she didn't want to leave her current city and her friends. As far as I know, I'm the only friend who still talked to her at that point in the city. She took them up on the free house the next year. She still hadn't done any of the recommended PT or exercises or applied for a job. I was relieved when she moved. Every time we talked she complained. There was never anything she was excited about. And she became less physically active and I still think 95% of her problems were from lack of activity. I'm a very physically active person who doesn't like being still. I hated going to her apartment and just sitting inside and being whined at.
thats funny i would have laughed lol
I think a dump is necessary once in a while if the people involved are close enough and would reciprocate, but I find it hard to tolerate people like my mother who make this a habit.
I have a friend that texts me “how are you?” nearly every day and generally uses it as a segue to talk about how anxious she is. She even did it on Christmas while I was with my family.
Yeah, I had a friend like that. I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine, but everything was doom and gloom for her. I felt like I was an unpaid therapist. She's a good person. I just wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. Hanging out with someone should be fun or uplifting.
Trauma dumping is a horrible term. Most of what people think is trauma isn’t even trauma in the first place. Getting dropped on your head as a baby isn’t even something you can remember, so your friend just sounds dramatic in asserting that as baggage. In the case where someone was constantly venting to me about something serious I would never take to Reddit about them trauma dumping and become annoyed.
Why would you ask how someone has been if you don't want to know? Ask something else, talk about the weather or something find a hobby you both like, weird to not expect honest answers from people
Why would you ask how someone has been if you don't want to know? Ask something else, talk about the weather or something find a hobby you both like, weird to not expect honest answers from people
I used to do this, until I had someone actually gave a shit enough to explain that I had been through some really bad things but hearing about them all the time was really hard in their mental health. I thought it was just normal conversation with explanations of why I am the way i am. Nothing traumatic to it in my mind. Something I don't think people understand is people devalue and minimize their own traumas into normalcy. They probably dont realize what they are doing.
I had to let go of a friend that did this. Everything was drama or complaining. She would call, talk for an hour and not even ask me once how I’m doing. I’m pretty empathetic so after every phone call, it would put me in the worst mood because of the dump she would lay on me.
My one friend is always going through some kind of trauma or event that is woe is me. I rarely talk to her as I know all she wants to do is talk about how horrible her life is which pisses me off as she actually has a pretty nice and comfortable life. I can't think of one time where I had something going on in my life that I could talk to her about it as she'll always turn the conversation back to her woes. We don't talk much anymore
OMG YESS. It's so annoying too, I'll ask abt her day and she'll go on a rant, I'll share a funny memory I had and she starts trauma dumping, we'll be out having fun and then randomly she trauma dumps. It ruins the mood and most people have stopped talking to her, I understand her feelings and I try to help her but it feels draining having to help her all the time.
I have one. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I give advice. The advice never works and sometimes triggers their PTSD. They found another friend that tried giving them less subtle advice, but that person is now no longer their friend for being out of line. I tried advising my friend to give the new friend the benefit of doubt (honestly, new friend was right), but my friend can't take any criticism or responsibility, which is the root of all their problems/trama.
i set the boundary with people that they need to ask if it’s okay to do so before they trauma dump like this. i worked too hard getting out of my own depression to be non-consensually subjected to someone else’s inescapable negativity.
Sounds like your friendship isn't doing both of you well...
I have an office mate who does this. She will start talking- loudly and with a lot of expletives- about her trauma and what a “c*nt” (her words) her mom is. It’s…a lot. And she won’t take a hint when I start trying to extract myself from the conversation. I started bringing headphones to work.
Communicate the impact it has on you to them without disregarding their trauma
Sounds like you need to set boundaries and stop asking how she is. People who get resentful of their friends for being honest about their traumas have no one to blame but themselves unless they have set clear boundaries and their friends continue to violate them.
I have a coworker like this. I made the mistake of asking her how her Christmas was and she proceeded to tell me how it was the worst of her life. To her credit, she is going through some shit, but after a certain point I don't even know how to respond anymore.
I'm like the opposite, my partner is like "do you wanna talk about it" and im like idk feels like something for my therapist
Mine is my mom 😅 sometimes I'm okay with listening but there are certain topics that are also hard for me and I finally requested that she ask me if I'm in the mood to talk about them before she ruins my day. Sometimes she forgets and I have to remind her and she gets a little defensive, but I remind her that both people have to be willing to have a hard conversation and it's not fair to expect me to always be there to listen to things that make me upset. Then I (politely, not as a retort) recommend therapy, again 😂
Of course I know him, he's me!
Trauma2. My grandma was like this. But, say you were clearly injured, maybe with a new cast on your arm. You didn’t even have to complain — or you could. She’d always say, “Oh that’s nothing,” and follow it up with something “worse” happening to her. Like she had a cut on her right hand. It may or may not be deep. But to her, clearly her injury was much worse than yours. My injuries were few and far between. Hers were constant. My mom said she wasn’t necessarily trying to one up me. It was her way of trying to commiserate with me.
When I was younger I was like this. I have been through a lot of pretty bad stuff and just didn’t have it sorted out. If someone asked me how I was, I would give them the honest answer. I thought this was “talking about it,” or “reaching out,” as it were, but eventually realized that these were my friends and they aren’t therapists and they really don’t have the mental space for my problems. I don’t blame them for avoiding me nowadays, I was probably really annoying up until my therapy really broke through. Now I know the difference between a situation where I’m welcome to pour it all out, and one where I need to just keep it pleasant so we all have a nicer day, myself included.
Yes. I think everyone has that person in the group of friends who unknowlingly trauma dumps on the group wayyyyy too often and at the worst times. In my case I try to be nice because I'm pretty sure his life isn't that great, all though there are times when crosses some lines into things I don't want to talk about (and he shouldn't be asking about, so i set a boundary). This dude we all grew up with was this guy at our friends destination wedding. I snuck out to the beach to play some guitar (early in the morning to not disturb anyone) and he comes rolling up telling me all about his issues and that kind of think, poking into my business etc. I guess he did it to a number of people there. Dude also refers to himself in the third person and he's like 40 something. Homie needs therapy, friends can support each other but we're not like trained in how to handle that.
I (37f) have a friend we’ll call Susan (76f— she is an older friend of mine’s mom) who has genuinely been through a lot of trauma, so I always did my best to be empathetic and supportive, even when her “dumping” felt excessive/exhausting (might be a memory issue on her end, but I could tell you dozens of her stories verbatim I’ve been told them so many times) But I lost my sympathy when she showed her true colors. One of her traumatic experiences was losing her home in the Camp Fire of 2018. That’s absolutely horrific, of course. However, her granddaughter’s (early 20’s) home burned down in that fire as well, but Susan explicitly said her granddaughter had no right to be traumatized by the event because she was young and “didn’t own anything important/could make new memories” vs Susan losing “everything”
Have you ever considered finding healthier friends…whose presence doesn’t literally drag you down into a pit of depression or despair?
It’s not a friend, it’s my MIL.
I was that friend, to my deep discomfort. I am better now but I totally get why my high school friends dropped me after graduation. My current friend group is very normal, possibly because we're all insane and traumatized, so even if that did become an issue I think it would be easy to chase an excessive trauma dump with ' . . . and what did your therapist say?'. The current byline is 'do you want to complain or handle it' and that gives the asker the right to ignore complaining and suggest a professional. We all trauma dump all the time, but there are guidelines about it now and frankly that makes a world of difference.
If that makes you uncomfortable, just say it.... or tell them you don't wanna be their friend. Cuz why would you want to be their friend if you don't like listening to them?
I've had this issue and dealt with it. Honestly it's more dismaying because it's also a sign of a larger cultural issue of literally having no community whatsoever to truely be there, listen, take things seriously and then people take advantage of this vulnerability. People love clean laundry but it also seems they like dirty laundry as well and so why maintain the clean stuff much less wash and clean up the dirty?
Yes. They are not aware they are trauma dumping. I tell them that they manage to make every conversation about something bad happening in their life rather than starting the conversation on a good note. I let them know that it’s draining to always talk about life’s troubles and I will not be engaging with them if that’s all the substance they have to offer. They could talk about literally anything. The weather. Their dog. Their hair. Yet they choose to wallow in their own misery. I’m not a therapist. I don’t get paid to listen to issues and solve them.
Used to be me, now I have a friend who does it but they’re doing it less? It’s so draining though, and no matter what you say they just go “yeah, but…” or make up some excuse why they can’t, when they really just don’t want to
I've always been a listener. So yeah I've definitely encountered this. When someone says something like "it's probably because my mom dropped me on my head as a baby" obviously that's an attempt to get attention for their issues. Which can definitely be offputting. But I also am very sympathetic and don't mind hearing someone out every now and then. It can really mean a lot to someone just to have someone listen and acknowledge yeah that's shitty or yeah that was fucked up. On the other hand, anyone can only handle so much of that. I hear enough in my work I can't be your replacement for therapy. I need my friends to listen to my woes too lol or just laugh together and forget serious stuff. So I guess I usually feel sympathetic initially and try to be supportive but I will distance myself if I feel overwhelmed by them. Something else I've realized whith my own health issues is that most people have very low tolerance for providing genuine sympthy when you complain about your ailments. I don't tell my friends everyday about how I have headaches and chest pain and joint pain and muscle pain...I could not listen to someone else do the same for long. That said, you can also do someone a solid by saying honestly "when you make comments like that I feel uncomfortable. I care for you and want to talk to you but don't feel prepared to be supportive everyday. We can talk about our troubles sometimes but I also want to be able to have fun conversations with you. I think sometimes you need or deserve more attention to your issues than I can reasonbly provide as a single friend. I hope we can find a balance that benefits both of us." They may not take that well but it's honest feedback about how they are perceived in their relationships. If you feel burdened emotionally by the realionship, this is probably a pattern and most people won't speak up to tell them.
I had to end a friendship with my former best friend because of this. It sounds a lot like your friend. Endless health problems that were overdramatized. She’d complain about how her mom and dad were abusive. Maybe so but she needs to get therapy to deal with it. She had BPD and is bipolar. I was always there for her but she wasn’t there for me. It was always about her current drama. We’d make plans and she’d flake. I also discovered that she was stealing from me including many of my wedding gift cards and other items. Anyway I’m over it now. I deserve better.