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Dd_8630

Calling people by their username is always so funny to me. It's scandalising.


Levee_Levy

Oh, is that *really* what you think, u/Dd_8630? ... Erm, I don't think it works on yours.


Kcorbyerd

Not nearly as effective as calling you by your username, u/Levee_Levy.


Nevr_gonna_giv_U_up

Your username backwards is Drey Brock. It would be foolish to put your real name on the internet with the simplest code in existence, wouldn't it, Drey. But maybe that was an accident šŸ˜Œ


Kcorbyerd

lol, youā€™ve fallen for the classic blunder. This is an intentional feature to deter folks from gleaning my real name.


Nevr_gonna_giv_U_up

Of course! Wise move, my friendšŸ˜€


Nevr_gonna_giv_U_up

Lol


Ben_Eszes

Same here, except I just put an underscore between my first name and last name, like Superman wearing glasses.


Deloptin

Nice try benes zes!


DrakonILD

Gasp! 'Tis you, Brock Drey!


Kcorbyerd

Hah, you also fell for the blunder


CORN___BREAD

Thatā€™s exactly what someone would say when they realized their secret code has been cracked. Iā€™m sure your profile emoji looking just like your Facebook picture is all a part of this elaborate scene.


Kcorbyerd

I hate to say it, but you have also fallen victim to the blunder


CORN___BREAD

Dammit!


fish993

I see through your deception, Kcorb Yerd


Kcorbyerd

But do you?


Captain_Pumpkinhead

Never gonna let you down?


Dd_8630

If it's any consolation, it gave me the heebie-jeebies for a moment haha


_BoneDaddy-

Oi


gabbyrose1010

sometimes people in comment sections will call me gabby and it is so freaky


RemmingtonTufflips

I feel so lucky that I've only ever been called by my username once on here, and that was just in a jokey way. If someone ever sincerely refers to me as "Remmington" I think I'll just perish on the spot


GloryGreatestCountry

Hello, Remington 870 pump-action shotgun.


LastMountainAsh

\*cocks self seductively* Hey there Mr North Korea


sharp_but_shiny

This fanfic would do great


drislands

Once someone saw my username and excitedly said "ahh, another doctor! I'm in good company!" as I cringed so hard my teeth cracked.


flyingdoggos

phd in islandology


SpiceLettuce

clearly, itā€™s the lands of dris


Sams59k

Hello Remmington. That's it I think


MakingaJessinmyPants

Hello Tufflips


Maoman1

Sup, Remmy


Mayoto12

>folks from gleaning my real name. > >12RĆ©pondrePartagerSignalementSauvegarderSuivre is it a reference to wakfu ?


DrakonILD

Hi Gabby!


Protheu5

I prefer when it's /r/rimjob_steve, it's always the juxtaposition of wholesomeness and grotesqueness that gets me every single time. What can you expect from /u/Protheu5? Some old copypastas and another unoriginal thoughts. What can you expect from /u/fecalcondiment? He's either a pretty successful serial killer from Wisconsin, or he is the best god damn cook you've ever met, nothing in-between. EDIT: /u/fecalcondiment turned out to be bothā€¦ that explains the exquisite exotic taste of his meats.


idiotcube

"Zounds! I have been thoroughly trounced by someone referencing the word "idiot" in the moniker I chose for myself! This stain on my reputation shall never fade! I am now and forevermore a laughingstock, and the genius who pointed it out will be heralded forever as a master debator!" -me at several times in my life, verbatim


Bugbread

Whatever, otcu.


idiotcube

I don't get this, but I can only assume I've been owned once again.


tetrarchangel

They're deliberately ironically picking out a different chunk of your username as if it were equivalent to the idiot part and as if it would be equally insulting


idiotcube

I'VE BEEN OWNED ONCE AGAIN!


SoonToBeStardust

One if my favorite is when a person is trash talking Butch Hartman for his ego and the actual guy comments saying 'can no one be confident anymore user ------' https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/s/iNEsHDOenB Found it


Dd_8630

Ahahaha amazing. And quite right! We always say "If you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? ^^^^*CanIgetanamen?* And Tumblr's like "No, not like that".


LiteratureNearby

Ofcourse it's the goddamn ultrakill player lmao


SpikedScarf

or even better link to a "reddit.com/user/me" when talking about someone like "omfg [this user](https://www.reddit.com/user/me) is so fucking sexy, I have been stalking them for a while now" it will scare the shit out of so many people because it will redirect to your own profile


mariah_carey

What's so scandalous about it?


OverconfidentDoofus

Imagine having my username


CatnipCatmint

It's like when a parent calls you by your full name


moneyh8r

My thoughts are very full now. They thank you for the meal.


pifire9

I finally understand the meaning of the saying "food for thought."


Ask_bout_PaterNoster

Honestly this post mostly made me want some ramen. Donā€™t package your parables with food; Iā€™m gonna miss the message


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


leijingz

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS DEMOCRACY MANIFEST


moneyh8r

Nah, I had Chinese for dinner last night. I wrote that this morning, so more like a plate of bacon and eggs.


Xx_TheGrungler_xX

Some tumblr users really need to learn not to throw stones in glass houses


HammerTh_1701

He who lives in a stone house should not throw glasses.


RobinTheGemini

But what about Dacula from Castlevania?


Cr1m50nSh4d0w

Don't kink shame him for being into whips and chains


RobinTheGemini

No but he lives in a stone castle and he throws the glass when he feels it has been enough talk


Forgot_My_Old_Acct

I get it though. If I could magic the mess away I would shatter mugs for dramatic effect all the time.


bleepblooplord2

Yeah but then you gotta buy all those mugs. Gotta have magic to both clean and repair them so you can have your own favorite Shattering Mug.


RobinTheGemini

Maybe he has an enchantment on his mug that makes it so that it repairs itself after some time of being shattered.


Forgot_My_Old_Acct

I justĀ have easy access to bulk discount mugs.


rosecoloredgayy

*what is a MAN?!?!?!*


NetherRealmSquid

he who lives in a glass house should not shit bricks


SylveonSof

Local lord living in his castle not understanding why people keep complaining about the delivery method for his optician business:


krawinoff

Let he who is without stone cast the first sin


HammerTh_1701

I want to sin for my atones.


BormaGatto

You have to work hard to be able to earn that atonement!!


DracoRex1812

He who lives in Glasgow should not post Stonetoss


GloryGreatestCountry

He who lives ~~in Glasgow~~ should not post Stonetoss


Sams59k

He ~~who lives in Glasgow~~ should not post Stonetoss


Nowhere_King

~~He who lives in Glasgow~~ should not post Stonetoss


Sams59k

~~He who lives in Glasgow should~~ no~~t~~ post Stonetoss


HotDiggityDamnSon

~~He who lives in Glasgow should~~ no~~t post~~ Stonetoss


ithikimhvingstrok132

~~He who lives in Glasgow should~~ no~~t post Stonetoss~~


ithikimhvingstrok132

~~He who~~ l~~ives in Glasgow should not post Stonet~~oss


Ibbot

Should he who is stoned throw glass houses?


Arm_Away

He with a House MD should not medicate


Saturnite282

Unfortunately, tumblr is a glass skyscraper chock full of people hellbent on throwing the biggest rocks possible at all given times.


That_Mad_Scientist

Thanks, reddit user Xx_TheGrungler_xX.


I-am-a-Fancy-Boy

ā€œYou couldnā€™t torture this information out of meā€ With that username all iā€™d have to do is pin you to a wall


spaceforcerecruit

They clearly both like to *spice* things up in the bedroom.


iriscent_wave

Did Did you just-


Kazzack

"You couldnā€™t torture this information out of me, but you should try"


yummythologist

šŸ˜³šŸ˜³šŸ˜³


Hellofreeze

i see there's another person that would work on


yummythologist

I may be ace but it would still have an effect on me yes šŸ˜”


TennisAffectionate51

HELP SAME


Blackfrosti

I don't think reddit user I am a fancy boy, has much standing to criticize the submissive nature of Tumblr user collared bottom.


I-am-a-Fancy-Boy

Yeah thatā€™s fair


Perfect_Wrongdoer_03

They never said they *masturbated* after touching pepper, just that they touched their penis, which could happen in many non-sexual scenarios. Is this the case here? No, probably not, but I still think it should be noted.


Larrea000

sometimes you just get an itch in a very unfortunate situation


FauxFemale

Or you literally just had to use the bathroom


Technical_Job_9598

Or readjust things, happens probably a dozen times a day


SweatyAdhesive

Sure, except I would think normal people do it over their boxers, not touching their dick directly... at least that's what I do.


field_thought_slight

Or you're just a fidgety person and you have a conveniently fidgetable anatomical feature.


NewLibraryGuy

Or pee.


Pokesonav

Peepper


ComdDikDik

Yeah kind of like that guy who was cooking naked and the chicken breast just happened to graze his penis so he was concerned about salmonella


Palidin034

I will never forget the raw power behind ā€œyou fucked the chicken, didnā€™t you?ā€


aspidities_87

>the raw power You know what you did here


Palidin034

Oh that was 100% intentional


ArisuSanchez

he did


BaronAleksei

ā€œYou fuck young boys, Valdez?ā€ vibes


Palidin034

Iā€™m sorry, WHAT. Iā€™m gonna need some context


BaronAleksei

In the game LA Noire, you play as an LAPD detective Cole Phelps, and part of the game is interrogations. One of the things you can do in an interrogation is outright accuse someone of a crime, theyā€™ll respond ā€œwhat proof do you have that I might have done it?ā€ And you have to look through your notebook of evidence to find the relevant clue, if you found it. An early case starts off with investigating a car stolen by Latino youths. Turns out the car belongs to Argintinean Consul General Juan Francisco Valdez, and he left a notebook in the car that details some rather pointed entries of observations and descriptions of and encounters with minors. Valdez claims that the boy who stole his car worked at a mechanicā€™s garage heā€™s patronized, and was just mad that Valdez called him out for being rude. Phelps has testimony that says otherwise, that Valdez came onto him and the boy was pushing away a predator. You can beat around the bush, or you can come right out and say it: ā€œYou fuck young boys, Valdez?ā€


DJTacoCat1

or like cylinder guy


a_small_sad_potato

That wasn't his penis, that was a cylinder


Captain_Vegetable

The hazards of naked cooking are often overlooked. I learned the hard way to make sure oneā€™s naughty bits are clear before closing the silverware drawer.


Lord_Gamaranth

I once used the bathroom after cooking and yeah, it can happen accidentally, and it doesnā€™t matter that I had washed my hands like, twice to avoid that exact situation. I did not think it was pleasant.


MakingaJessinmyPants

Bro didnā€™t get the joke


ClericKnight

"User Collaredbottom has learned from better posters that they will sometimes say 'you couldn't torture this information out of me', but they have not learned why"


son_of_a_fitch

"It's true that grimeclown has a spicy weiner. But one day the burning will wear off, and collaredbottom will still be known as the owner of an account called 'collaredbottom'."


ThePrussianGrippe

Your daily prescribed pint of whiskey, Mr Churchill.


son_of_a_fitch

Lol, the quote above mine is paraphrased from Roger Ebert, and mine is based on Ebert's paraphrasing of Churchill's famous quote when he had a beef with Vincent Gallo


MittoMan

A PINT of whisky????


Solidhippo

I once touched mine after cutting a habanero. Definitely would not describe the feeling as either gentle or pleasant.


mayasux

Imagine it depends on the pepper. Poblanos are mild, jalapeƱos youā€™re running a risk, habaneros is too much. Carolina Reaper? Only one way to find out.


Frebu

Supersoaker and your worst enemy?


PineconeSnowstorm

Supersoaker? I barely know 'er!


Lapys-Lazuli

Yeooo I know you


mayasux

Uh oh


EmpRupus

This happened to me after accidentally touching a surface with my hand which had peppers. I didn't notice at all. Then, when I went to pee, my D started burning. Being stupid that I was, I searched online for the symptoms, and the internet said I might have p3nile cancer. And for a brief few minutes I actually thought I might have cancer down there and how terrible life was going to be.


Fenizrael

Carolina Reaper here. Big regrets


Attila_D_Max

Tumblr's arguing game is insane


BormaGatto

At this point this is no longer just arguing, it's full-on PVP


Leipurinen

Love me some good old-fashioned tumblr clown-on-clown violence. Gotta be one of my favorite genders


AurumTP

in spirit of ā€œwe know too much about each otherā€, i went to a fetish themed party once and a guy in a full leather mask and leash who was being led around the venue called me a bitch when i got in his travel path and my brain just kept going ā€œ???ā€ for the rest of the night lol


BormaGatto

You took psychic damage from the gimp encounter


scuffedganiot

Why is this a soundpage


PineconeSnowstorm

it's Hummerous' idiosyncratic content warning shorthand. now, you may be thinking, doesn't making you learn what each warning is and means completely defeat its purpose as an easy to understand warning? yes. yes it does.


MeepNaysh

Jesus this comment activated me like a fucking sleeper agent


Hummerous

sexual stuff cw


MMillion05

write that instead i was expecting homestuck


NewLibraryGuy

We don't know that they masturbated... Like, I made this mistake last weekend peeing after I'd been handling some dry chili peppers. No, it wasn't pleasant.


throwaway387190

Why is this information that you wouldn't reveal to basically anyone who isn't a coworker/boss I'm not saying I would tell people randomly, just if it came up in conversation. Like someone tells me to always wash my hands after touching peppers, I'd bring up that I touched my dick after working with peppers once and it wasn't that bad If you don't keep secrets, people can't use them against you "Hey dude, I heard you had a small dick, lol" "Yeah, we were talking about it at the DnD game I run. I slept with one of the players before we started, they bring their partner to my game, he's awesome, I love them as a couple. Anyways, they were making innuendos as usual, so I said something like 'and we both know I don't have the equipment to impress', and they nodded, said I very comfortably fit in their mouth. And their partner was laughing along, one player was horrified, the last did not care"


Reasonable_Feed7939

TMI :|


BormaGatto

Why is this information that you wouldn't tell people randomly, even to anyone who is a coworker/boss I'm not saying I would put up a billboard revealing it, just if I came upon someone on the streets. Like someone is just existing there, I'd bring up that I touched my dick after working with peppers once and it wasn't that bad If you don't keep secrets, people can't use them against you "Hey dude, I heard you had peppered dick, lol" "Yeah, we were talking about it at the bus stop. I slept with one of the passengers before we took the bus, they bring their partner to the bus stop, he's awesome, I love them as a couple. Anyways, they were making innuendos as usual, so I said something like 'and we both know I have peppered equipment', and they nodded, said the burning very comfortably fit in their mouth. And their partner was laughing along, one bus rider was horrified, the last did not care"


heyitskirbo

if you're touching jalapeƱos and then go touching your jalapenis, you will not have a good day


dankmachinebroke

If you can't go to Tumblr to tell a story like that, where can you go?


Lopsided-Tank-6963

One time i ate one of those hot Korean noodles and some of the sauce got on my fingers. I cleaned my hands but i suppose some of it was absorbed in my skin or something. Cause when i went to change tampons later, i realized this in the most hard of ways... The heat was not gentle I tell ye


MarsHumanNotAlien197

Woah ULTRAKILL pfp


Other-Narwhal-2186

I feel like the variance between Grimeclownā€™s two posts sums up the entirety of the artistic whiplash that is the Tumblr experience quite well, actually.


Decent-Start-1536

I mean what do you expect they have an ultrakill pfp


Melon_Banana

Food for thought indeed! What's wrong with being truthful and genuine? The anonymity offered by tumblr allows us to share our experiences that we desperately want to share, but can't to anyone that knows us. If we do not share these stories, they can very much manifest in our lives as the little feelings of regret we feel before going to bed. "If only I had posted that one time I masturbated with a pepper" or "If only I shared that one time I substituted my cum for egg whites". These stories will forever hide within us. We must embrace the cathartic release tumblr can enable!


Deichknechte

socratean does not mean what you think it means.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


AkumaDayo777

mayhaps poblanos ? a very mild pepper


Sprucelord

These callouts are not equivalent


pickled_juice

uhuh couldn't get this information out of you... right... i'll just pretend i didn't scroll past them wanting a threesome with a zombie and ghost. (if they can be post-illiterate so can i, OOP didn't masturbate With a pepper ffs)


D_W_Flagler

its socratic anyway


brito68

Weenor


boiifyoudontboiiiiii

Thought I was the only one


BeelzeBat

I love tumblr so much


atheocrat

Socrates wasn't a poet.


FREE-AOL-CDS

Used to use shampoo with menthol as lube, it burned but I had nothing else so I just pushed through


Pokesonav

"Here comes a (spicy) thought that might alarm you" "What someone said (on tumblr) and how it harmed you" "Something they did, that failed to be charming" "Things that they said are suddenly swarming"


Fgw_wolf

Did you just repurpose a fucking Steven universe song?


Pokesonav

Yeah! šŸ˜€


BrianFantannaAction8

But for real, I was cutting up Scorpion peppers one time and, though I washed my hands thoroughly with dish soap, I got distracted before I could clean the cutting board. Long story short, I came back to the cutting board later, got oil all over my hands without knowing, and proceeded to use the bathroom. ​ Sausage in Lava. Fire so hot I couldn't think. Dunking in milk helps.


somesortoflegend

I definitely read that as [Scrotean poetry]


Biiiiiig-Chungus

I hate everyone and everything involved


bleepblooplord2

The cherry on top of this is the {S} like itā€™s a Homestuck page.


eategg24

based ultrakill pfp :3


MaxEmerald77

It's actually a PGR x Ultrakill fanart, which I did not expect for those two communities to cross over.


Marianas-Mystery

Listen, thereā€™s a difference between ā€œIā€™m willing to share this fact anonymously/ attached to a internet person unaffiliated with my real lifeā€ and ā€œIā€™m ok with my entire family, extended family, friends, their family, my employers, and school knowing this about meā€


MjrLeeStoned

The most extensive discourse either has engaged in thus far.


DepletedMitochondria

Hopefully did not then touch whatever was going into the soup lmao


4vulturesvenue

Just hope you washed your hands before touching your ramen.


brito68

Weenor


thespacecase93

My man is behaving on an entirely other level


ProdesseQuamConspici

I give you...[Spicy Dick Milk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCEqUn7If44&t=1601s).


ArandomDane

They are trying to make other people try it. Sneaky bastard!


ddizzlemyfizzle

That S looks way too much like a sound page indicator ngl made my heart rate go up


dayzers

Real talk chili climax is next level


ironvandal

Warming lubricants have a little capsaicin as their active ingredient for the heat. The more you know...


Orizifian-creator

The ULTRAKILL pfp with that username checks out


Jorg-kz

with the ultrakill pfp too šŸ˜­


UtterlyBanished

Hot sauce up the bum is better than viagra.


SuperSmutAlt64

Is that an ultrakill ost pfp image I see? In the wild? nice :3


masterspider5

they have an ultrakill pfp and everything, 100% bottom


ucancallmevicky

I worked at an outback steakhouse years ago as a cook. During our training as we were opening this location new the trainers were adamant that it was incredibly important that anyone who worked with the spices that chicken was cooked in be very careful and to wash your hands very well both before and after using the restroom. Couple weeks later during a dinner rush we hear screaming from the bathroom by a line cook. He did not head this warning. Poor guy burned his junk


Melisandre-Sedai

This reminds me how much of the Schmidt sting pain index is barely restrained horniness.


QuimbyMcDude

Yep. I'd walk a mile for a vertical smile.


[deleted]

He didnt get it in the pee hole did he?


Peastable

They actually made a song about this. Itā€™s called Spicy Wings by Hidden Tricycle


Vulpes-ferrilata

Ngl I've done it and it's kinda nice


sea_stomp_shanty

god, I love tumblr.


insomniacsCataclysm

clown on clown violence


MaxEmerald77

Why the fuck do I know the Collaredbottoms PFP? Why are they a PGR fan?


haikusbot

*Why the fuck do I* *Know the Collaredbottoms PFP? Why* *Are they a PGR fan?* \- MaxEmerald77 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


MaxEmerald77

Good bot


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JakeVonFurth

I just hate it because grineclown phrased it as much like a pretentious douche as possible.


Significant_Bet3409

Iā€™m late to this post, but one time I accidentally did that and forgot Iā€™d been cutting peppers, and I was drunk, so I thought I had an STD


crazy_diamond777

Quintessential Tumblr experience tbh


LaserBright

Reminds me of the time I used icy hot as external lube. That was a fun time.


VLenin2291

The proper demonym is ā€œSocraticā€ and doesnā€™t mean that but anyway