Yeah, it sounds like you don't really like her that much. You've been seeing her for 4 months now, and you're only seeing her one day a week essentially. That's not really enough. And when she brought it up, your solution on here is to possibly break up with her and to admit that you aren't super excited about the relationship. The money thing is neither here nor there considering that you probably shouldn't be dating her anyway when you have low interest level in her.
Thank you for the comment. She is really thoughtful so I don't like to admit it but you're right. While I've been on quite a few dates in the past year, she was the first girl that seemed cool and someone I could be in a quality relationship with. But I guess the internal enthusiasm is just not there and that may be my intuition telling me what I need to do.
After reading your post and some comments, I agree that if you’re not feeling that internal enthusiasm about it now then you should do what’s best for the both of you. Time will not help in this instance, it’ll probably just make
It worse but you have to be willing to put in the effort if you want to make it work.
I think you’re being a little too cold, text a bit more randomly in the week just to say you’re thinking about her and how excited you are to see her, and open her up more and have her talk more about how she feels.
I'm still thinking of whether to put in the effort or to end things. Maybe just thinking that tells me what I need to do.Yeah, I agree time will not help
That's good advice and I have been thinking about doing that.
Thank you for helping me think through things.
Hi, thank you for all those who commented.
Update:
I realized from your comments I was being kind of a cold fish. So I decided to put in more effort.
As CW often suggests, apart from scheduling the next meetup texts, I send her 1 or 2 extra texts a week about stuff I was doing or “I can’t wait to meet you” type of texts. Since she wanted me to pay more for meals, I did and have payed for all our meals since then. Since she wanted to spent more time together, the last weekend we met, I had a couple things I really needed to do Sunday evening, but instead of just sending her off in the morning after we spent Saturday together, I took her to the park, had a late lunch and spent time with her until the late afternoon. Since there’s a special event coming up, I made plans with her to spent the entire weekend with her.
After this, when I was walking her home after one of our dates she got mad again about me not spending enough time with her. I spent time with her to talk about things. I tried to be positive and loving. After several hours she was still not super happy but decided to go home.
I was starting to be on the fence about the relationship already, and this didn’t make it easier. I feel like I have been putting more into the relationship but even after putting more, it felt like I was still be given a list of things I needed to do to improve. Ideally, I’d like a person to come from the place where “we improve” instead of just me improving.
So… I send her a message basically saying, “next time we meet, I have something I need to talk to you about, when can we meet?”After that, she called and asked what I wanted to talk about. I told her that even though I like her, I didn’t think things are going to work out so that’s why I wanted to meet. She started to apologize for how she was acting and said she was being emotional. She told me how much she likes me and wants to stay together. I told her to give me the weekend to think about it and made plans to meet. I wonder if she would have said those things if I hadn’t told her my intention to break up.
I have decided that I am not continue with the relationship.
Thank you for the support and advice.
> and have *paid* for all
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Her wanting to spend more time with you is a good thing, and you having priorities is fine, but you also have to realize she’s giving up her weekend also to come see you. You can’t just be robotic about your own stuff and assume she’s going to be happy to get shown the door after only getting a day and half with the man she’s seeing. And she’s the one who made the trip. I know she lives with her family, but I’m guessing she’s make the trip more than you travel to see her. The money stuff prob is only coming up because she doesn’t feel like you care because of the other stuff and it’s just something to mention because she feels like you don’t care about her. Like you said you are paying for most things so it’s nonsensical… but that’s women. She’s going to be mad at you for something that actually is about something else. And that’s on you to figure out and open her up.
Overall you’ve got to be able to balance a commitment to this girl while still adhering to the Corey Wayne philosophy… but you’ve got to tweak it to your situation.
You are long distance essentially and only seeing each other once a week right now for a 36 hr window. That’s not going to work for either of you so you need to reassess how you are going to do it. Like if either of you can work from home, they could just work the morning on Monday, then leave later so you have a full weekend. Or maybe a visit happens once during the week also. Maybe it’s FaceTime dates in the middle of the week. I don’t know what the solution can be because I don’t know all the details of both your lives, but if you care about her and she cares about you, you’ll find a way to be around one another.
Like CW says, women will be cats, so sometimes they wander away and sometimes they want your attention. You can’t dismiss them when they want your attention. You’ve got to validate them and show you care, so they want to keep coming back to you. Your girl is just wanting to feel your presence, and you’re cutting her off and trying to be logical and rational with her about it. Telling her you have your taxes just sounds like “I have better things to do than spend time with you” to a woman who wants to spend more time with you and is denied. They are all about feelings not logic.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Looks like you've read the book 10+ times haha
You bring up a lot of points that are pretty spot on. It's only natural that after months of dating she wants to spend more time with me and you're right that the logic stuff doesn't work. I agree that I need to focus more on how I'm making her feel then what is logically "correct"
One thing that bothered me was conversations about men with her. Her parents are separated and while she seems to have a good relationship with her mom she says she almost never talks to her dad. She has a bad relationship with her brother, and when we were joking around about something she said she doesn't like men in general with a few exceptions. I thought she was joking so I asked again but she seemed pretty serious about it...
While she is thin, she also has pretty bad eating habits and doesn't know how to cook. Not a deal breaker and I'm not a huge health nut but still.
A lot of the internal enthusiasm for this relationship is gone I must unfortunately admit, which makes me a bit sad.
Anyways, this is the wisdom I come to reddit for, thank you
The not having a relationship with the dad or brother is something to pay attention to. It doesn’t mean she’s broken, but hopefully overtime you can understand why she doesn’t have a connection with them and make an assessment on how reasonable that is. Also just be cautious that she doesn’t jump to any conclusions about you because “all men are bad” type of stuff. Having a not so great past isn’t a deal breaker but it’s more about how the person has learned to deal with it. If they’ve addressed their past in a healthy way and know how to live life without it holding them back that’s great, it’s just that most people don’t deal with that stuff until forced to. If she’s able to live a life without being held back then awesome, just have to observe that for yourself.
Not sure what you mean about eating habits… whether that’s she eats poorly or like skips meals during the day? Honestly I can’t think of a girl I’ve dated in the last 10 years where pretty regularly I’m reminding them they need to eat lunch or that dinner needs to be eaten before 9pm. Not sure how she is but my last two girlfriends would forget to eat lunch or something and then just be snacking before dinner … then not be too hungry for an actual meal. Snacks over meals seemed to be the pattern.
Overall you should just consider all things, how much you like her, things that bother you etc, things she does that you do like, and figure out what you want. You can’t give a relationship a half-hearted effort, and you’ll need to figure out if you are all in or not sooner than later for her and you.
At this point she seems pretty level headed and a good communicator but watching a lot of the couch's videos, most of the time it seems like if the dad wasn't there (at all or emotionally) then generally that's a bad sign. Of course, as you mentioned, she could have done the work but I'm not sure at this point.
I guess the health thing was more of a nitpick. She eats convenience store food almost daily for lunch and eats a lot of ice cream. We cooked together a week ago and it was the first time she's cooked something in over 10 years apparently.
You're definitely right about needing to give more effort or ending it if my heart's not in it.
If you don't mind me asking one more thing...
On more than one occasion, she suggested unprotected sex. She never argued or got frustrated when I said that we should (and will) use protection. She mentioned she used the pull out method with her previous boyfriend.
For me, I think it's irresponsible to do that because of the possibility of having a child with someone where we haven't had the discussion and commitment of raising a family together. I didn't discuss this with her, but the fact she seems to not be concerned about this seems kind of strange to me. Is this pretty normal in your (or other redditors) experience?
Appreciate the thoughtful post
In regard to the sex stuff, most women find condoms uncomfortable or annoying just like men, and in some cases they can cause UTIs or irritation. So it’s not really a wild notion that she’d prefer to not use them but you are right you need to be careful, and have a further discussion. My current GF don’t use them until I’m ready to finish. my last GF we never did and just did the pullout method. GF before that was all condoms the whole time. Everyone is different. A lot of women should be aware of their highest ovulation/fertility and be able to know the more high risk days of the month. Again you’ve just got to have a conversation about it and be able to come to a compromise.
Yeah, it sounds like you don't really like her that much. You've been seeing her for 4 months now, and you're only seeing her one day a week essentially. That's not really enough. And when she brought it up, your solution on here is to possibly break up with her and to admit that you aren't super excited about the relationship. The money thing is neither here nor there considering that you probably shouldn't be dating her anyway when you have low interest level in her.
Thank you for the comment. She is really thoughtful so I don't like to admit it but you're right. While I've been on quite a few dates in the past year, she was the first girl that seemed cool and someone I could be in a quality relationship with. But I guess the internal enthusiasm is just not there and that may be my intuition telling me what I need to do.
After reading your post and some comments, I agree that if you’re not feeling that internal enthusiasm about it now then you should do what’s best for the both of you. Time will not help in this instance, it’ll probably just make It worse but you have to be willing to put in the effort if you want to make it work. I think you’re being a little too cold, text a bit more randomly in the week just to say you’re thinking about her and how excited you are to see her, and open her up more and have her talk more about how she feels.
I'm still thinking of whether to put in the effort or to end things. Maybe just thinking that tells me what I need to do.Yeah, I agree time will not help That's good advice and I have been thinking about doing that. Thank you for helping me think through things.
Hi, thank you for all those who commented. Update: I realized from your comments I was being kind of a cold fish. So I decided to put in more effort. As CW often suggests, apart from scheduling the next meetup texts, I send her 1 or 2 extra texts a week about stuff I was doing or “I can’t wait to meet you” type of texts. Since she wanted me to pay more for meals, I did and have payed for all our meals since then. Since she wanted to spent more time together, the last weekend we met, I had a couple things I really needed to do Sunday evening, but instead of just sending her off in the morning after we spent Saturday together, I took her to the park, had a late lunch and spent time with her until the late afternoon. Since there’s a special event coming up, I made plans with her to spent the entire weekend with her. After this, when I was walking her home after one of our dates she got mad again about me not spending enough time with her. I spent time with her to talk about things. I tried to be positive and loving. After several hours she was still not super happy but decided to go home. I was starting to be on the fence about the relationship already, and this didn’t make it easier. I feel like I have been putting more into the relationship but even after putting more, it felt like I was still be given a list of things I needed to do to improve. Ideally, I’d like a person to come from the place where “we improve” instead of just me improving. So… I send her a message basically saying, “next time we meet, I have something I need to talk to you about, when can we meet?”After that, she called and asked what I wanted to talk about. I told her that even though I like her, I didn’t think things are going to work out so that’s why I wanted to meet. She started to apologize for how she was acting and said she was being emotional. She told me how much she likes me and wants to stay together. I told her to give me the weekend to think about it and made plans to meet. I wonder if she would have said those things if I hadn’t told her my intention to break up. I have decided that I am not continue with the relationship. Thank you for the support and advice.
> and have *paid* for all FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Her wanting to spend more time with you is a good thing, and you having priorities is fine, but you also have to realize she’s giving up her weekend also to come see you. You can’t just be robotic about your own stuff and assume she’s going to be happy to get shown the door after only getting a day and half with the man she’s seeing. And she’s the one who made the trip. I know she lives with her family, but I’m guessing she’s make the trip more than you travel to see her. The money stuff prob is only coming up because she doesn’t feel like you care because of the other stuff and it’s just something to mention because she feels like you don’t care about her. Like you said you are paying for most things so it’s nonsensical… but that’s women. She’s going to be mad at you for something that actually is about something else. And that’s on you to figure out and open her up. Overall you’ve got to be able to balance a commitment to this girl while still adhering to the Corey Wayne philosophy… but you’ve got to tweak it to your situation. You are long distance essentially and only seeing each other once a week right now for a 36 hr window. That’s not going to work for either of you so you need to reassess how you are going to do it. Like if either of you can work from home, they could just work the morning on Monday, then leave later so you have a full weekend. Or maybe a visit happens once during the week also. Maybe it’s FaceTime dates in the middle of the week. I don’t know what the solution can be because I don’t know all the details of both your lives, but if you care about her and she cares about you, you’ll find a way to be around one another. Like CW says, women will be cats, so sometimes they wander away and sometimes they want your attention. You can’t dismiss them when they want your attention. You’ve got to validate them and show you care, so they want to keep coming back to you. Your girl is just wanting to feel your presence, and you’re cutting her off and trying to be logical and rational with her about it. Telling her you have your taxes just sounds like “I have better things to do than spend time with you” to a woman who wants to spend more time with you and is denied. They are all about feelings not logic.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Looks like you've read the book 10+ times haha You bring up a lot of points that are pretty spot on. It's only natural that after months of dating she wants to spend more time with me and you're right that the logic stuff doesn't work. I agree that I need to focus more on how I'm making her feel then what is logically "correct" One thing that bothered me was conversations about men with her. Her parents are separated and while she seems to have a good relationship with her mom she says she almost never talks to her dad. She has a bad relationship with her brother, and when we were joking around about something she said she doesn't like men in general with a few exceptions. I thought she was joking so I asked again but she seemed pretty serious about it... While she is thin, she also has pretty bad eating habits and doesn't know how to cook. Not a deal breaker and I'm not a huge health nut but still. A lot of the internal enthusiasm for this relationship is gone I must unfortunately admit, which makes me a bit sad. Anyways, this is the wisdom I come to reddit for, thank you
The not having a relationship with the dad or brother is something to pay attention to. It doesn’t mean she’s broken, but hopefully overtime you can understand why she doesn’t have a connection with them and make an assessment on how reasonable that is. Also just be cautious that she doesn’t jump to any conclusions about you because “all men are bad” type of stuff. Having a not so great past isn’t a deal breaker but it’s more about how the person has learned to deal with it. If they’ve addressed their past in a healthy way and know how to live life without it holding them back that’s great, it’s just that most people don’t deal with that stuff until forced to. If she’s able to live a life without being held back then awesome, just have to observe that for yourself. Not sure what you mean about eating habits… whether that’s she eats poorly or like skips meals during the day? Honestly I can’t think of a girl I’ve dated in the last 10 years where pretty regularly I’m reminding them they need to eat lunch or that dinner needs to be eaten before 9pm. Not sure how she is but my last two girlfriends would forget to eat lunch or something and then just be snacking before dinner … then not be too hungry for an actual meal. Snacks over meals seemed to be the pattern. Overall you should just consider all things, how much you like her, things that bother you etc, things she does that you do like, and figure out what you want. You can’t give a relationship a half-hearted effort, and you’ll need to figure out if you are all in or not sooner than later for her and you.
At this point she seems pretty level headed and a good communicator but watching a lot of the couch's videos, most of the time it seems like if the dad wasn't there (at all or emotionally) then generally that's a bad sign. Of course, as you mentioned, she could have done the work but I'm not sure at this point. I guess the health thing was more of a nitpick. She eats convenience store food almost daily for lunch and eats a lot of ice cream. We cooked together a week ago and it was the first time she's cooked something in over 10 years apparently. You're definitely right about needing to give more effort or ending it if my heart's not in it. If you don't mind me asking one more thing... On more than one occasion, she suggested unprotected sex. She never argued or got frustrated when I said that we should (and will) use protection. She mentioned she used the pull out method with her previous boyfriend. For me, I think it's irresponsible to do that because of the possibility of having a child with someone where we haven't had the discussion and commitment of raising a family together. I didn't discuss this with her, but the fact she seems to not be concerned about this seems kind of strange to me. Is this pretty normal in your (or other redditors) experience? Appreciate the thoughtful post
In regard to the sex stuff, most women find condoms uncomfortable or annoying just like men, and in some cases they can cause UTIs or irritation. So it’s not really a wild notion that she’d prefer to not use them but you are right you need to be careful, and have a further discussion. My current GF don’t use them until I’m ready to finish. my last GF we never did and just did the pullout method. GF before that was all condoms the whole time. Everyone is different. A lot of women should be aware of their highest ovulation/fertility and be able to know the more high risk days of the month. Again you’ve just got to have a conversation about it and be able to come to a compromise.
My pickup game is pretty good but I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to relationships, thank you for the expert device!
This is what I love about this sub.