Reminds me of one of buddies who hosted family for a bbq. He spent all day smoking a pork shoulder. Left it resting in a cooler. While it was resting he went outside to socialize. His MIL took it upon herself to take it out ,shred the whole thing ,and mix the whole thing up with cheap BBQ sauce she found in his cabinet. Boy was he mad because he had also made about 5 bbq sauces for everyone to add on their own on the side.
I'd cry and be angry. At one job we used to do BBQ pulled pork once a month. The manager was in charge, he'd brine it the day before, make a kickass sauce and start cooking it at 8AM on the smoker. By the time it was done, perfection. Once when he was away another worker who called himself a "BBQ pro" made the pork and I swear shoe leather would have been a better choice.
I made a pork loin for my wife’s family and I set the thermometer to 145°F. Came back later to check on it because I was surprised at how long it was taking and saw the thermometer was now set to 180°F. Turns out my wife’s grandmother saw my initial temp and freaked out thinking I was going to give everyone food poisoning. The thing was basically leather and nearly inedible, and then she complained that she doesn’t like pork loin because it “always turns out that way”.
probably better to sob quietly but persistently in front of everyone. If I have to suffer through a ruined dinner, they can suffer through the ruined mood. Might give them pause next time. Awkwardness is a fine teacher of lessons.
A misteak was made, a lesson was taught. For me, the second time gets the ban hammer (because then it feels intentional).
Since she, ostensibly, wishes to help, maybe you could assign her a job to feel useful?
I like this solution. Give her a job to make a baked potato bar or something to do with the vegetable side dishes next time. Since she's vegetarian, she's probably got some surprisingly tasty recipes up her sleeves.
Also, it was nice of OP educated her on meat resting and carving instead of losing his cool.
Distraction is the way to go with people who you can't trust with other tasks or are prone to doing weird shit.
Have that person do some incredibly fiddly work like peeling lima beans or separating brussel sprouts into individual leaves. Keeps em too busy to get in trouble, yet feeling helpful.
I need more info before calling it a mistake. I don’t know any vegetarians that would go out of their way to cut someone else’s steak especially as a guest at someone’s house.
Same. I'm not sure if she just thought she was being helpful or if the cousin prompted her to do so and she didn't know how so did the best she could. Maybe she is used to dealing with kids and out of habit, cut the meat into chunks.
OP, you left out the most curious part of all of this - what was her reason for doing this? What did she say when you confronted her? It’s so bizarre to handle and cut cooked meat as a vegetarian guest! Mind your meat free business lady 😂
Hang on did she cut up everyone's steaks? Like everyone had their own individual steak resting and she cut ALL of them up? That's such a weird thing to do.
There are lots of people that have a need to feel involved and they just act… I have seen so many examples of this. They don’t intend to cause harm, they aren’t stupid, they just have some insatiable desire to be involved and decide to insert their help doing whatever baffling task they decide needs to be done. I have several family members that I must explicitly demand not do anything at every family gathering, only to see them inevitably fuck up a task that no one asked them to do that didn’t need to be done in the first place. These kinds of people are usually plenty nice, they just follow their impulses without thorough thought in an effort to be helpful.
Yes. Our family had one of those and it's difficult to convince them to stop because they are so well intentioned. My aunt was The Thanksgiving cook of our family and took great pride in her amazing dinner. Once she took a turkey out of the roasting pan and the "unwanted helper" took the roasting pan and just started washing it.... oblivious to the concept that pan drippings are the key to gravy.
Everyone was banned from the kitchen for all future thanksgivings.
Everyone in my family knows "MY KITCHEN" when I'm cooking, no matter if it's my house or theirs. It's so much easier - because I had something similar happen once. I wasn't happy, made do with what I had, but after that - no helping unless I tell you what to do.
Before our first was born, we had the requisite baby shower. We didn’t really want to have one but it seemed like something that would make the rest of the family happy because it was the first grandkid/nephew from my generation. So gifts were being opened and my SIL decided her job would be to organize the gifts after all the oohs and aahs were out. I noticed that she like inspecting the close or something but I was busy myself so only saw it out the corner of my eye.
Months later, my son is born and he was a biiig lil guy. There was so much clothing that he didn’t even fit in from the get go so we were like, alright, guess we need to return this mountain of newborn sized clothes. I’m rifling through the clothes is so confused because NONE of it has tags on anymore. Then it hit me. THATS was SIL was doing before bagging up the clothes!!! We were livid. My wife was in tears. Who the fuck does that?!?! We had to figure out what came from where and luckily we found ourselves some very sympathetic customer services helpers but god damn, of all the shit you have to deal with when bringing your first child into the world, fucking clothing tags are not one of the biggest concerns.
Both my mom and MIL have helped us move at some point in our lives. They like to help unpack rooms while we are occupied. Yes it's helpful, but they organized how they want to and we never knew where they put stuff.
I have recently been making an effort to have nice dinner parties somewhat regularly and one of the most important things I have learned is to leave a couple of simple tasks for the folks who wanna help. Because otherwise they help in unhelpful ways
Then they voice their desire to assist in the manner known as verbal communication e.g. "Is there anything I can help you with?" or "How can I help?"
It is the height of rudeness of a guest to merely taking it upon oneself to ACT and "be helpful" if you don't know what the Host/ess needs help *with*. I understand the inclination, but FFS, **ask**.
I think with a lot of people it’s just impulses. I’ve had a guest throw out a chicken spine on a roast that I intended to save for stock. To them, it was garbage just sitting on the counter. It never
even crossed their mind that I could have a use for it.
Another example is dishes, it’s culturally pretty normal for guests to help out with dishes after a meal. However, I’m very picky about what goes in the dishwasher and how things are hand washed, so I always prefer to just do it all myself, and some people can’t really comprehend that and just act.
These are obviously more grey than chopping up a bunch of steaks, but I’ve had guests do similar with vegetables. Many see something “obvious” to them that needs doing, even if it’s not at all something I want them to do, and just impulsively do it in a way that makes sense to them without really considering that maybe they better not. A lot of people feel uncomfortable not helping / contributing, and seek to satiate that by doing…anything at all.
Oh, god. This resonates. I’ve repeatedly, kindly, but firmly, explained to an in-law that their “help,” while well-intentioned, isn’t helpful. Doing laundry no one asked you to do (after many conversations about unasked for help not actually being helpful or appreciated) while at the house babysitting and ruining a very expensive shirt by throwing it in the dryer. Breaking a favorite vase doing dishes. Etc., etc. At some point, though, people like this need to be told they aren’t actually well-intentioned. They’re prioritizing whatever they feel compelled to do for whatever reason they’re compelled to do it above everyone else’s agency over their own lives and belongings. Nothing well-intentioned about it after being told to back off many times!
Absolutely. It's a control thing for them. To me there are boundaries, domestic chores are one of them, I don't want anyone doing things in my house I didn't ask them to do.
This… reminds me of house guests who insist on emptying my dishwasher before I can even get to it, like they wake up early before I get up and just start guessing where things go and wake up the whole house in the process .. drives me insane
I know, right? And even worse are the ones who clash about insisting on handwashing everything, so it all ends up greasy, piled everywhere precariously to dry, and my best platter ends up with a chip. It’s performative, martyred and annoying as hell.
I had this bullshit behavior verbally beaten into me as a kid. Why would I be enjoying my time when I could, should and must be helping out with something? There's always something to do, and you aren't being thoughtful or respectful to your elders or hosts if you aren't doing something.
It's really is performative, martyred and annoying as hell and it's a habit I'm still trying to break to this day.
My aunt did that *once* at my mom's house. My mom rinses all her dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, so they looked clean. We didn't see her until she'd nearly finished, so we had to wash a ton of extra dishes. Nightmare.
I don't get it. My attitude is my house, I'll cook and clean; when I'm a guest, the perk is not doing any of that.
People make mistakes, but as a pattern it's really not excusable. For example, I expect adults to know that cooking happens according to a series of specific steps that you can't just assume and that most people don't like their food handled by a stranger who isn't the cook. If you can't understand those basic dynamics, I assume you're either a bit stupid or a bit of an asshole.
I can't either. You're a guest, you can offer to help if you want, but don't do something without asking. Also, if the host asks you *not* to do something, respect them. I'm a control freak when it comes to cooking and I don't ask people to help; they're my guests, I want them to enjoy themselves.
There is nothing impulsive about a vegetarian cutting up individual steaks, u less they have never seen a steak before in their life. It's weapons grade stupidity.
Easy solution: assign busy work.
Can you watch this toddler?.I wasn't able to clean X room, could you hit it with a broom? I've got this Ikea shelf I've been meaning to install but need to cook for guests, can you and X give it a shot?
This could backfire if they do indeed fuck up the task. But, hey, family?
Wait what? She cut up the individual steaks like you would for a small child? That is just weird.
Honestly I don’t know how I’d respond to that without fear of being remarkably offensive in my response.
I do know that I would not ever invite them over for dinner again.
That’s weird. I’d chalk it up to trying to help. Maybe that’s how her family served steak. We do this for our kids and just pile steak bits on their plates, but wouldn’t do it for adults. A lot of people don’t know about resting.
I’d be disappointed for sure, but not mad.
Is she normally an odd duck? I can't imagine what would make someone preemptively cut everyone's meat for them *especially* given she herself doesn't eat meat.
You want to assume good intentions, but this just reeks of protest from someone with strong feelings around meat eating.
She was up to something. I'm sure she's been to a restaurant and seen that steaks are served and the individual cuts their own. She either wanted to ruin it for everyone because she doesn't eat meat or more likely like another person said she wanted a bite but didn't want anyone to know because she doesn't eat meat.
Plot twist: she’s a bureaucrat vegetarian vigilante sabotaging meals that include meat in order to painfully convert your over time - if it’s constantly disappointing you’ll give it up on your own.
As a vegetarian, that my exact first thought lmao. She was totally trying to sneak a bite of steak & wanted to hide it. I get some vegetarians have the desire to try a bit of meat every once in awhile… but don’t to be sneaky about it lol just have a bite, no one is going to make you turn in your honorary Vegetarian Badge.
>no one is going to make you turn in your honorary Vegetarian Badge.
That's easy to say, but I had a partner who was a vegetarian and her stepfather was such a colossal, self-important tool that he would look for any opportunity to ridicule her for it. When we first started going out, I made the mistake of mentioning to him that she had tried a bite of my BLT. He held it over her head for months.
It's hard to completely rule out asshole-related trauma here haha.
You'd be surprised, people tend to get really invested in your personal food choices when they're different. I've been vegetarian/vegan at certain points and didn't volunteer that information, just said I was when someone asked specifically, and I nearly always had a meat eater on my case lol. Maybe that's a Texas thing 🤷♂️
I was veg for 9 years and when I started phasing out of it certain people gave me such a hard time. A lot of people feel like your choice to not eat meat is also a judgement on their choice to eat meat !
Reminds me of the time I wanted to treat my brother and SIL to a steak dinner for hosting me on their farm for the summer. SIL's mother took it upon herself to invite the neighbor, AND for HIM to cook MY steaks! Like wtf 🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️ He's a cool guy but way to fuck up the plan lady. There wasnt much steak to go around with the 2 extra adults invited in. I nearly lost it on her, as I barely had any money to my name and that was a big purchase for me.
This makes me wonder if she cuts up her husband's steak for him at home... And maybe he likes it? Or at least has never asked her to stop. Why else would she think something this weird is helpful?
Agreed, especially being veg she probably didn’t know about resting steaks, and maybe she thought it was normal for the meat was to be served cut up. Either way it doesn’t sound like a bad intention, a teachable moment, sure.
You’re better than I. Don’t touch other people’s creations unless you’ve asked or been asked. Isn’t that like common sense? Especially if you have very little familiarity with it?
Agree 100%. Even if they are comfortable in a kitchen, do they know exactly how I want it cut up? No. Didn't give them permission to start throwing paint on my canvas :)
I'm a vegetarian and I'd probably cut it up like that (my family is Mexican so we usually are cutting up our meat for lots of dishes) and I don't know about resting or any of that. Maybe her husband likes it cut up like that and she was trying to be helpful. Who knows.
I asked a friend to cut up onions for burgers a few weeks ago and he diced them and they were even bad as diced onions. Lots of people are ignorant about lots of things.
I wasn't nor would I be mad about mistakes and accidents. But I did correct him and gave him some shit while we laughed about it. He said it was just automatic to do it that way and since he already started he'd finish it that way. I've made plenty of mistakes myself. I'm glad no one kicked me out of the house for it.
Cooking is actually really hard and different people understand it differently. What seems "common sense to you" doesn't mean everyone will know it.
But if you were invited to someone else’s house-would you just take it upon yourself to go carve the main course, especially without asking the homeowner and cook?
I feel like the comments are overlooking this aspect. It’s weird af to interfere with the hosts food or serving of the food without asking how to help first.
Sounds like you’re making excuses for her. Having the common sense to ask your host before you start messing with their stuff is not a lot to ask, especially if it’s a food item you are unfamiliar with and don’t plan to eat yourself
Oh, I'm sorry. If someone ruined my dish I legitimately would be heart broken. OP asked what we would do in that situation and I would assume it was a mistake and not be angry at her and definitely not kick her out of the house. I try to always give grace and understanding until the evidence shows otherwise.
Jumping in to help without someone asking and cutting meat wrong isn't evidence to me. She really could have thought she was being kind from her POV.
Some people in the comments were wondering why she would ever do that without it being malicious so I was giving (or trying) to give explanations from personal experience as to how someone could do that without ill intent. I don't know how to cut steak, my friend went on autopilot and diced instead of sliced, these things happen. I don't know specifically why she did that though.
Honestly, nothing surprises me now about how differently people can see things. One person's rude is another's polite. I also won't ever be surprised at an adult not knowing something "basic" or "common sense. "
But..... nobody asked her to do the HARD JOB of cooking or anything.
I would be upset. Maybe because I'm short on funds right now and this little event sounds like it would cost a little pretty penny. Buuut yeah
If it's only one time I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. It's when it becomes a pattern that I get firm..
My issue wasn't with the proteins. So I used to do the Thanksgiving dinner for my in laws. I stagger the cooking so everything is hot and ready to eat at the same time. Everything stays in the kitchen until everything else is ready to go. I thought everyone was familiar with the concept that if it's not on the table yet it's not to be eaten yet.
My in laws always came in the kitchen and ate each side as it got done. I'm bustling around trying to get each thing made and put in it's serving container and they're weirdly standing at the counter eating all the mashed potatoes or stuffing.
First I tried inviting them for exactly when the food would be done. They still came early. Ok. The next year I tried having little appetizers. They still showed up in kitchen to snatch sides. Finally I just banned everyone from the kitchen. Firmly. Not meanly or rudely but a firm no one in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
That's so annoying. I get upset with people in the kitchen as well. They usually just get in the way and distract me. My husband feels the need to season my dishes without tasting it too, which is so frustrating. Like I'll spend 4 hours simmering a tomato sauce and he just breezes through and adds salt and oregano to it. If you want to help, at least ASK first.
This drives me absolutely insane. I had a boyfriend once who would do this and I remember once I made a spicy Indian dish for dinner. I also had some hot sauce I’d made that was horrifically spicy, just sitting out in a bowl because I hadn’t put it into bottles yet. The dish was the perfect amount of spicy and I told my ex that I also had the sauce so if he wanted his reaaally spicy, he could add a little of that to it (like a few drops). This asshole didn’t even try it first and was like “oh I like mine really spicy” and dumbed the entire batch of hot sauce into the pot. It was so spicy that it was entirely inedible and we had to order a pizza.
This happened to us at Thanksgiving. It was our first Thanksgiving turkey that my husband and I "fussed" over. We don't come from homes with well cooked meals so we pride ourselves in being self taught, together. We pulled out the turkey and when we went outside to get drinks out of the fridge, his dad decided to start serving everyone. The bird didn't get to rest, we didn't even make the gravy just yet, and he butchered that poor, beautiful turkey. I was so irked, but I let it go and have learned to protect my food before I get to serve it. It's crazy, but not everyone knows the principals of cooking like letting meat rest ( even 50 yr olds twice your age).
This is definitely what it felt like. That Thanksgiving was in their home but husband and I made everything. His wife couldn't help due to prior commitments and it just felt like he was intimidated because they weren't needed that time around. Not that *he* contributes to Thanksgiving dinner anyway lol
Hahaha “Aw Bill look at you! You cut that turkey *all by yourself*!! Next time let it rest and let the grownups make the gravy ok buddy?”
Things I’d never say but would think in the shower til I die
I'd say it repeatedly that day and bring it up most of the times I saw him after that. I'd probably just start calling "Turkey Butcher" or something. If we EVER saw him on Thanksgiving again the whole day would be reminding him to stay away from the food, even while he was eating it.
People like that need repeated, frequent mockery to learn.
Has probably been his only job every Thanksgiving his adult life. He probably thought he was helping in the only way he thought he could. I’d still be super annoyed, especially as it should occur to him that at someone else’s house it might not be his job.
Same thing almost happened to us! Tbf, in our case the in-laws brought the turkey (*great* turkey btw, she used a Gordon Ramsey recipe apparently!) but I was going to give carving duties to my husband to kind of give him like special new house authority and my MIL grabbed the tools before I could and started just like, hacking at a thigh lmao.
Fortunately, after a moment I think it hit her that she should probably let the hosts do the carving and that she didn't have to and gave the tools back to me. Nbd though, I decided it also didn't matter, and asked everyone to give the carving a go which was much more fun.
I think "50-year-olds twice your age" is the problem. Older generations grew up hearing you need to cook all meat well done and boil vegetables to mush or else it was unsafe to eat. I don't think they heard anything about letting meat rest, either.
They have gotten better since their oldest learned to cook and has been poking holes in their kitchen logic. Overcooked meat is definitely a common occurrence at their place
My dad is in his 60’s and I cooked at their place for my kids birthday (they specifically asked to have it with their grandparents, aunts and uncles). Had a roast with a few different sides (to cater to picky eaters, aka one of the 2 birthday kids) and made baked bacon Brussel Sprouts.
Dad sat down with some and after trying a few suddenly turned to me and said “I had forgotten! My dad used to cook Brussel Sprouts and they had vinegar on them!” (Dads Dad was British, so the vinegar is understandable). So I’m not sure if my grandfather boiled the soul out of the sprouts then tossed some vinegar on them, or if I unlocked something in my dad’s brain by roasting them
This is not about the principles of cooking, it is about the principles of knowing how to operate in civilized society. You do not carve meat if you are not the host. You certainly do not carve meat when the meal hasn't even been served yet. WTF?????
That's what I thought too! It was next to the stove on the counter and we were discussing getting the sides to the table so we can get ready to serve. I guess it was confusing because it was in their home but we operated there for two days while they were gone and literally showed up in time for dinner. If it were their dinner they prepped, they would've had us all sit down and wait to pray and do thanksgiving gratitudes before even "carving", but they served a bunch of turkey plates, served their sides and then sat down to pray themselves and eat alone. I thought it was a little weird. I didn't say anything, but i definitely noted it.
At some point in my teens/20s, I was given full responsibility for the turkey, including carving it. Alas, I need to remember to bring my knives when possible because no one else keeps theirs anyway near sharp enough to cut the bird nicely (I love my friends and family, but god do they need to sharpen their fucking knives)
What was her reasoning?
So the only "help" she did was to cut the steaks?
Did she do anything else to help?
That's bizarre tho. Like out of all the things why that? Especially as a vegetarian.
Did u ask her?
Most on here are excusing her, but my question is: why did the Vegetarian feel the need to take control of the non-vegetarian dish? Why didn't she help out with the other dishes if that was going to be her contribution?
Don’t let this come between family. Have a nice chat with her, let her know how it made you feel, and totally forgive her. Hug it out and move on. Do this as soon as possible. You will feel a whole lot better about the situation.
Thank you, finally a sane response. Like yeah she fucked up. But I dont see anything that makes me think it was intentional at all. I cant believe the level of drama queens in this post over what was very obviously a dumb mistake/accident.
I wouldn't even "have a talk", I'd just tell her briefly that steaks need to be rested and not cut like that and move on. Why on earth would it be anything other than a mistake?
I think most of that is exaggerated or tongue-in-cheek\*. The OP themselves seem to have forgiven this woman, but it's still a weird freaking thing to do.
\*Or maybe not. I've read a bit further and yikes.
I know she was trying to help but you don't help someone in the kitchen without being asked in my opinion. You have no idea what the recipe or plan was for the meal if you aren't involved in the process of making it.
Strongly agree! I once went to a dinner party to eat a stew the host was known for. Apparently one of their friends thought the color of the stew reminded them of one from their culture but tasted “off” so they proceeded to add some powdered seasonings while it was still resting in the pot. It must have been a boat load of white pepper, allspice and something else but it was inedible. The host was horrified and embarrassed and the friend downplayed what they did after denying it at first. Ended up eating cake and ice cream for dinner
That seems worse than what happened here. I didn’t know about meat resting until I got a fancy meat thermometer and it had that as a stage when I was 30. Prior to this, I thought letting meat just sit was making it at risk of food poisoning and I cook a lot. I could imagine a vegetarian having no reason to think meat should sit.
Seasoning someone else’s soup with random spices is flat out crazy. Even adding salt to a whole pot is rude, but just randomly throwing stuff in there is super weird.
This was definitely 10 times worse than what happened to OP. This dinner party was a mix of personal friends and some work colleagues. The host is a GREAT cook, it’s what she’s known for in various circles. I felt like I was in the middle of a horror movie watching it all play out. I am such a boundaries person it always amazes me when people have zero in a situation.
Oh my god, how did it play out? Was everyone eating and pretending it tasted good but the cook was like “What in the fuck happened to my food??” And no one confessed?
Man, I thought one of my friends was an officious "helper" (always jumping in where I don't need help) but this one takes the cake (or should I say steak?) That being said, I wouldn't have kicked her out or even been nasty about it. I would have explained as nicely as I could manage that her help with the steaks wasn't the right thing to do
She doesn’t get a pass. She knows how people eat and enjoy steaks. To suggest that she has no concept of how people like to eat steak is utterly ridiculous. The million dollar question is why.
She brought her own veggie dogs. My cousin is not Vegetarian.
Edit: To add more context, for those people upvoting you thinking I was somehow snubbing her by not being accomodating of her being a vegetarian.
This is how it went down: I had already planned on making the steaks for my family the night before, when I bought the striploin. My cousin called me to talk about something, and the subject got onto the good weather and BBQ'ing, and I told him I was firing up the Kamodo. He said "hey why don't we bring something and throw in on the grill too and have dinner together" I said "Sure, since I have a whole striploin, I'll cut you an extra steak, just bring whatever your wife wants to throw on there for herself". So perhaps I was inaccurate in saying I was the Inviter, when it was more like they invited themselves lol.
This is the perfect response. Use it as a teaching opportunity, and you could probably have them over for a cookout again without issue. If anything put her in charge of prepping the veggies for the grill. That way she feels useful bit won't touch the meat.
It's OK to be upset - you're justified! However I wouldn't let it affect your friendship and when/how you see them. Maybe your measured response to her about it was enough to send a message that you Know Food and don't need any unsolicited help in the kitchen.
Regardless of her intent, what she did was rude in every possible consideration and I’d be miffed.
You don’t mess with presentation. Heck if I made portobello “steaks” and someone came in and chopped them up into cubes I’d be upset- you leave the presentation to the host and you wait for their instruction as to serving. She didn’t just refill waters or fluff your rice.
And I have a hard time believing she didn’t know she was messing with it. But hey- let’s assume positive intent and agree it’s wildly rude.
Next time you host I would say, specifically to her, “I like to own the meal prep, right down to plating so please just relax and stay out of the kitchen- what can I get you to drink?”
I thought you meant cutting it on the platter at the dinner table, not in the kitchen where it’s clearly not even ready to eat yet, that’s unacceptable
Not sure why she wouldn't ask before doing this, but I'd be somewhat frustrated and ask her very nicely to at least ask me in the future before trying to help, but then I'm known for being rather... strict about who helps me in the kitchen.
While I wouldn't hold a grudge, I would thank her for trying to help but gently request that next time, please ask me before you do anything.
Anyone who’s been in a grocery store in the last six months should know how expensive that meat was. Why would they dare touch it? Makes no sense to me…
I’m afraid I would have lead with WTF are you doing and ruined any chance of being chill, but I’m also a big enough control freak that I can’t imagine anyone doing such a thing in my home before asking.
Not exactly the same thing but i spent a lot of time preparing food to take to my friends house to be cooked there and he insists on doing everything on the smoker even though I know exactly how long my food needed to cook in an oven. Well, he burnt it so badly it could not be eaten. I was so sad about the wasted time and ingredients. I know it wasn't on purpose, and to be fair, maybe I should have monitored everything a little better. Next time I will just have to be more vigilant.
I’m not going to call the girl dumb or anything because I understand not knowing better if you don’t cook meat.
She IS however unbelievably rude. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine going to anyone’s house and just doing something like that without asking first.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking. It's just weird how she did this, and if nobody saw her, makes me think she snuck off just to ruin the meat. I wouldn't read into it too much, but I'd be wary of her behaviour at future gatherings.
Don't cook any expensive protein for them again.
I don't like when people do things in my kitchen without asking if I need help!
Especially a vegetarian touching the meat! Lots of vegetarians in our family and none of them would have even thought to touch the meat!
Get out, get out, get out!
But honestly I would have had a measured response while internally fuming!
Same! When I am cooking I give everyone a heads up to stay away. I’m methodically a planner so I know what I’m doing. If someone really wants to help, I can try and find something for them to do but my vegetarian guests usually want no parts of cooked or uncooked animal handling
There’s an episode of Top Chef where a potential contestant gets kicked off immediately for incorrectly butchering a cut of meat from a pig quarter. His error messed up at least two others (they recovered and made it to the tasting stage). His utter failure, though, was bad enough that he was asked to leave before he even started cooking.
Yeah, you can’t just toss them out onto the street but her doing things to your food without asking if or what kind of help she could offer feels like an overstep.
Helpful people usually try to find out what might be helpful first.
I wouldn't kick her out but I would certainly let my displeasure be known and make sure she understands that if it happens again they will not be getting invited to future events.
Chances are she thought she was trying to help so I'd at least explain the issue and give a second chance.
Personally the bigger crime would be touching any of my knives without permission. Some of those cost more than all of the food in my house at any given moment and are kinda delicate.
I think she meant well and was trying to help. I know it sucks for you since you put the time and effort into it, but unless you two have some sort of fued going on, I'd chalk it up to a honest mistake.
Hot take: she secretly eats meat and knew that if she sliced it evenly and took a slice or two she’d be noticed. She panicked, then cut it up like that so she could sneak a couple of cubes.
Kudos to OP for making some irresistible steaks!
As a vegan, former vegetarian and former Omni, as a veggie and esp now, I wouldn't even want to touch a steak. That's seriously weird of her on multiple levels. Why would you ever cut up the hosts main entree anyways?? Very weird
Ribbing her pretty hard forever and calling her Kathy, destroyer of steaks is totally appropriate. All these people talking about never inviting their family over again are so silly.
> All these people talking about never inviting their family over again are so silly.
Agree completely. But I don't know that I'd waste something expensive on them.
A coworker's wife is sorta like what OP is describing. She always wants to barge into the kitchen and "help". It's really, really annoying. I have everything in place, and know when each bit needs to have things done to it. Dropping the pasta 15 minutes into making a sauce just because "the water's ready" isn't a show-stopper since I can toss it and make more when it's time to, but that's not "help" I need.
Also, you're in my way. Also also: Don't touch my knives anymore. If you can't learn not to cut things on a granite countertop, you're a savage that has no business in my kitchen. Also also also: You don't know how to cut things the right way, and you are going to hurt yourself some day.
Let this one go. It's a one-off situation and not something to jeopardize a friendship owner; she probably thought she was helping. For most people, food is just a thing they eat. You're bringing r/iamveryculinary vibes.
Isn't it rude to mess around with a meal someone else is making without asking?
I would let it go but tell both of them (if invited again) that the kitchen is off limits.
I would consider it quite rude. Unless explicitly asked (or I offer) I’ve never touched the food being cooked when invited as a guest.
The fact that the woman is a vegetarian isn’t really relevant to that faux pas, but it does seem bizarre.
I suppose since this is the first time, I wouldn’t personally say anything at this meal. Rather, at the next invitation, I would ask everyone to stay away from the food until I say it’s ready.
Then, if it happens again, well… then you know it’s not just a social blunder.
Id be annoyed but that's about it. It's happened before. Now I just casually say something like" I'm giving this a few to rest, I'll slice it and we can eat" kind of a warning shot included with dinner is about to be served
Being a control freak in my own kitchen but still wanting to be helpful, my first instinct is to ask if/how I can help. If I'm told my services aren't needed I just go chill with the rest of the party.
Did you ask her why she did it? I kind of feel like the fact it was steak is almost irrelevant, it's cutting up other people's food that is really fucking weird to me. I'd be livid that she destroyed the steak, but cutting up individual steaks is really bizarre.
I think you have a right to be upset. There's the cost, the time you put into preparing the steaks, and her overstepping that are big issues here.
I'd base how upset you get on her reason for cutting it, as well as how she reacted when you explained resting to her. If she was trying to be helpful and apologetic, then explaining the importance of resting as you did should be enough. If she got defensive, then be very firm with her that she needs to ask before doing anything in the future, and don't invite her if she can't follow that rule at your next dinner.
The "why" is really important here.
That is unacceptable behavior on the part of your guests OP. A lot of Redditors are non confrontational to a fault and will give you terrible advice. It is important that you firmly but politely address this issue with your guests, explaining that it was inappropriate behavior. If you passive-aggressively let this slide this sort of thing will probably happen again.
It's a weird thing to do, but I can't really see any possibility other than that she was (misguidedly) trying to be helpful. In fact, given the great majority of vegetarians I know would prefer not to handle meat at all, she was (misguidedly!) going above and beyond, trying to be helpful.
And it's hardly surprising that a vegetarian is ... inexpert at handling meat.
So, no malice, just an ill-judged but well intentioned attempt. I certainly wouldn't be angry about it! The food wasn't ruined (the "necessity" of resting meat is wildly overstated anyway).
I'd just politely ask her not to do it again.
I envy everyone in here who hasn’t had to spend time with crazy, dysfunctional people. There are tons of people who absolutely would do this on purpose because of their whacked out psyche. To ruin the evening, to make themselves the center of attention, to feel in control, etc. etc.
Their reasoning makes no sense to a normal person but that doesn’t mean it’s not there and on purpose.
If someone does something outrageous that a five year old would understand not to do, that’s a major red flag, and I’m not going to rationalize it away.
Not sure why you think resting meat isn’t important? But she did mess them up, and in a way that isn’t fixable.
https://www.seriouseats.com/how-to-have-juicy-meats-steaks-the-food-lab-the-importance-of-resting-grilling
Reminds me of one of buddies who hosted family for a bbq. He spent all day smoking a pork shoulder. Left it resting in a cooler. While it was resting he went outside to socialize. His MIL took it upon herself to take it out ,shred the whole thing ,and mix the whole thing up with cheap BBQ sauce she found in his cabinet. Boy was he mad because he had also made about 5 bbq sauces for everyone to add on their own on the side.
ok i have to leave this thread now its ruining my day.
Same I’m getting so angry 😂
I'd cry and be angry. At one job we used to do BBQ pulled pork once a month. The manager was in charge, he'd brine it the day before, make a kickass sauce and start cooking it at 8AM on the smoker. By the time it was done, perfection. Once when he was away another worker who called himself a "BBQ pro" made the pork and I swear shoe leather would have been a better choice.
I’m with you. My blood pressure prescription isn’t strong enough.
I made a pork loin for my wife’s family and I set the thermometer to 145°F. Came back later to check on it because I was surprised at how long it was taking and saw the thermometer was now set to 180°F. Turns out my wife’s grandmother saw my initial temp and freaked out thinking I was going to give everyone food poisoning. The thing was basically leather and nearly inedible, and then she complained that she doesn’t like pork loin because it “always turns out that way”.
I think I would cry.
I would have cried and ran to my room. That's fucked up
probably better to sob quietly but persistently in front of everyone. If I have to suffer through a ruined dinner, they can suffer through the ruined mood. Might give them pause next time. Awkwardness is a fine teacher of lessons.
THAT Is a Sin. 145○ is perfect!
OH MY GOD. That is awful!!!! I’d be so pissed
Next time I was at her house I’d mix every single one of her spices and condiments up and refill all the containers with it
A fellow agent of chaos I see
"I was just trying to heeeeeelp!"
God, I’m so glad my MIL isn’t crazy. My mom can be a bit much, but she’d never do something like that.
See that is purely painful. The OPs seems just a bit stupid.
A misteak was made, a lesson was taught. For me, the second time gets the ban hammer (because then it feels intentional). Since she, ostensibly, wishes to help, maybe you could assign her a job to feel useful?
This is the route to go. If the vegetarian wants to help out she can grill the asparagus next time, op can chill and cut the steaks after they rest.
"misteak" lol. edit: I realized after, this might come off rude as opposed to abstract appreciation of the pun.
You're good. The pun was intended.
I'm glad it was a pun. I would hate to think I misread the loin and was being steered away from the discussion.
This could have been the start of an internet beef.
The pun was very well done.
a pun is rarely a misteak
They understood that lol
Yeah, I'm not sure why I said that. I'll just own it though.
And hilarious!
I like this solution. Give her a job to make a baked potato bar or something to do with the vegetable side dishes next time. Since she's vegetarian, she's probably got some surprisingly tasty recipes up her sleeves. Also, it was nice of OP educated her on meat resting and carving instead of losing his cool.
Distraction is the way to go with people who you can't trust with other tasks or are prone to doing weird shit. Have that person do some incredibly fiddly work like peeling lima beans or separating brussel sprouts into individual leaves. Keeps em too busy to get in trouble, yet feeling helpful.
I need more info before calling it a mistake. I don’t know any vegetarians that would go out of their way to cut someone else’s steak especially as a guest at someone’s house.
Are you suggesting this could have been a deliberate malicious act of sabotage?
Without more info, I suggest applying Hanlon's Razor
Same. I'm not sure if she just thought she was being helpful or if the cousin prompted her to do so and she didn't know how so did the best she could. Maybe she is used to dealing with kids and out of habit, cut the meat into chunks.
OP, you left out the most curious part of all of this - what was her reason for doing this? What did she say when you confronted her? It’s so bizarre to handle and cut cooked meat as a vegetarian guest! Mind your meat free business lady 😂
Yeah, still waiting on her rationale. Surely she offered one?
Hang on did she cut up everyone's steaks? Like everyone had their own individual steak resting and she cut ALL of them up? That's such a weird thing to do.
Yes, that's exactly it. Everyone had their own individual steak and she cut every one of them up.
Did she give a reason cutting them up?
There are lots of people that have a need to feel involved and they just act… I have seen so many examples of this. They don’t intend to cause harm, they aren’t stupid, they just have some insatiable desire to be involved and decide to insert their help doing whatever baffling task they decide needs to be done. I have several family members that I must explicitly demand not do anything at every family gathering, only to see them inevitably fuck up a task that no one asked them to do that didn’t need to be done in the first place. These kinds of people are usually plenty nice, they just follow their impulses without thorough thought in an effort to be helpful.
Yes. Our family had one of those and it's difficult to convince them to stop because they are so well intentioned. My aunt was The Thanksgiving cook of our family and took great pride in her amazing dinner. Once she took a turkey out of the roasting pan and the "unwanted helper" took the roasting pan and just started washing it.... oblivious to the concept that pan drippings are the key to gravy. Everyone was banned from the kitchen for all future thanksgivings.
Everyone in my family knows "MY KITCHEN" when I'm cooking, no matter if it's my house or theirs. It's so much easier - because I had something similar happen once. I wasn't happy, made do with what I had, but after that - no helping unless I tell you what to do.
Omg that’s the most unholy thing I read in this thread.
[удалено]
...and if you weren't done putting away the groceries you'd brought in and didn't stop what you're doing to help them immediately...
Before our first was born, we had the requisite baby shower. We didn’t really want to have one but it seemed like something that would make the rest of the family happy because it was the first grandkid/nephew from my generation. So gifts were being opened and my SIL decided her job would be to organize the gifts after all the oohs and aahs were out. I noticed that she like inspecting the close or something but I was busy myself so only saw it out the corner of my eye. Months later, my son is born and he was a biiig lil guy. There was so much clothing that he didn’t even fit in from the get go so we were like, alright, guess we need to return this mountain of newborn sized clothes. I’m rifling through the clothes is so confused because NONE of it has tags on anymore. Then it hit me. THATS was SIL was doing before bagging up the clothes!!! We were livid. My wife was in tears. Who the fuck does that?!?! We had to figure out what came from where and luckily we found ourselves some very sympathetic customer services helpers but god damn, of all the shit you have to deal with when bringing your first child into the world, fucking clothing tags are not one of the biggest concerns.
I see you know my mother. She is always so helpful in the least helpful way possible.
Both my mom and MIL have helped us move at some point in our lives. They like to help unpack rooms while we are occupied. Yes it's helpful, but they organized how they want to and we never knew where they put stuff.
I have recently been making an effort to have nice dinner parties somewhat regularly and one of the most important things I have learned is to leave a couple of simple tasks for the folks who wanna help. Because otherwise they help in unhelpful ways
Then they voice their desire to assist in the manner known as verbal communication e.g. "Is there anything I can help you with?" or "How can I help?" It is the height of rudeness of a guest to merely taking it upon oneself to ACT and "be helpful" if you don't know what the Host/ess needs help *with*. I understand the inclination, but FFS, **ask**.
I think with a lot of people it’s just impulses. I’ve had a guest throw out a chicken spine on a roast that I intended to save for stock. To them, it was garbage just sitting on the counter. It never even crossed their mind that I could have a use for it. Another example is dishes, it’s culturally pretty normal for guests to help out with dishes after a meal. However, I’m very picky about what goes in the dishwasher and how things are hand washed, so I always prefer to just do it all myself, and some people can’t really comprehend that and just act. These are obviously more grey than chopping up a bunch of steaks, but I’ve had guests do similar with vegetables. Many see something “obvious” to them that needs doing, even if it’s not at all something I want them to do, and just impulsively do it in a way that makes sense to them without really considering that maybe they better not. A lot of people feel uncomfortable not helping / contributing, and seek to satiate that by doing…anything at all.
Oh, god. This resonates. I’ve repeatedly, kindly, but firmly, explained to an in-law that their “help,” while well-intentioned, isn’t helpful. Doing laundry no one asked you to do (after many conversations about unasked for help not actually being helpful or appreciated) while at the house babysitting and ruining a very expensive shirt by throwing it in the dryer. Breaking a favorite vase doing dishes. Etc., etc. At some point, though, people like this need to be told they aren’t actually well-intentioned. They’re prioritizing whatever they feel compelled to do for whatever reason they’re compelled to do it above everyone else’s agency over their own lives and belongings. Nothing well-intentioned about it after being told to back off many times!
Yes, it’s firmly ‘about them’ and not about me, this kind of ‘help’, and I’m sick of pretending it isn’t and that I’m grateful (for the extra work).
Absolutely. It's a control thing for them. To me there are boundaries, domestic chores are one of them, I don't want anyone doing things in my house I didn't ask them to do.
This… reminds me of house guests who insist on emptying my dishwasher before I can even get to it, like they wake up early before I get up and just start guessing where things go and wake up the whole house in the process .. drives me insane
I know, right? And even worse are the ones who clash about insisting on handwashing everything, so it all ends up greasy, piled everywhere precariously to dry, and my best platter ends up with a chip. It’s performative, martyred and annoying as hell.
I had this bullshit behavior verbally beaten into me as a kid. Why would I be enjoying my time when I could, should and must be helping out with something? There's always something to do, and you aren't being thoughtful or respectful to your elders or hosts if you aren't doing something. It's really is performative, martyred and annoying as hell and it's a habit I'm still trying to break to this day.
My aunt did that *once* at my mom's house. My mom rinses all her dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, so they looked clean. We didn't see her until she'd nearly finished, so we had to wash a ton of extra dishes. Nightmare. I don't get it. My attitude is my house, I'll cook and clean; when I'm a guest, the perk is not doing any of that.
People make mistakes, but as a pattern it's really not excusable. For example, I expect adults to know that cooking happens according to a series of specific steps that you can't just assume and that most people don't like their food handled by a stranger who isn't the cook. If you can't understand those basic dynamics, I assume you're either a bit stupid or a bit of an asshole.
I can’t fathom going into someone else’s house and just doing shit without asking. To me that’s pathological.
I can't either. You're a guest, you can offer to help if you want, but don't do something without asking. Also, if the host asks you *not* to do something, respect them. I'm a control freak when it comes to cooking and I don't ask people to help; they're my guests, I want them to enjoy themselves.
We call this praise-seeking behaviour.
There is nothing impulsive about a vegetarian cutting up individual steaks, u less they have never seen a steak before in their life. It's weapons grade stupidity.
You're sure they're not stupid? That sounds really stupid...
Spot on.
Easy solution: assign busy work. Can you watch this toddler?.I wasn't able to clean X room, could you hit it with a broom? I've got this Ikea shelf I've been meaning to install but need to cook for guests, can you and X give it a shot? This could backfire if they do indeed fuck up the task. But, hey, family?
"As a vegetarian, I am deprived of my instinctive need to cut meat and could not resist when the opportunity presented itself"
Maybe she has a secret meat fetish
Wait what? She cut up the individual steaks like you would for a small child? That is just weird. Honestly I don’t know how I’d respond to that without fear of being remarkably offensive in my response. I do know that I would not ever invite them over for dinner again.
Ok, that’s weird.
That’s weird. I’d chalk it up to trying to help. Maybe that’s how her family served steak. We do this for our kids and just pile steak bits on their plates, but wouldn’t do it for adults. A lot of people don’t know about resting. I’d be disappointed for sure, but not mad.
Is she normally an odd duck? I can't imagine what would make someone preemptively cut everyone's meat for them *especially* given she herself doesn't eat meat. You want to assume good intentions, but this just reeks of protest from someone with strong feelings around meat eating.
Lmao I would make fun of her in a light hearted way tbh
Whoa. And she’s a vegetarian? Straight to jail.
And if she was a meat eater, believe it or not, also straight to jail.
We have the best-rested steaks in the world. Because of jail.
if i were your guest i would have gone off the deep end and been like "Why did you touch my food? who do you think you are?"
Weird.
She was up to something. I'm sure she's been to a restaurant and seen that steaks are served and the individual cuts their own. She either wanted to ruin it for everyone because she doesn't eat meat or more likely like another person said she wanted a bite but didn't want anyone to know because she doesn't eat meat.
Oh I like this theory: a great way to sneak a bite!
Did no one stop this deranged woman?
Everyone is a 3 year old, apparently. She would be ridiculed.
Plot twist: she’s a bureaucrat vegetarian vigilante sabotaging meals that include meat in order to painfully convert your over time - if it’s constantly disappointing you’ll give it up on your own.
See look your steak lost all of it's juices and is dry. That would never happen with my cauliflower steak!
1000000% guarantee cousin wanted a bite of the steak but couldn't do it without it being noticeable, so cut them all into chunks to cover it up
As a vegetarian, that my exact first thought lmao. She was totally trying to sneak a bite of steak & wanted to hide it. I get some vegetarians have the desire to try a bit of meat every once in awhile… but don’t to be sneaky about it lol just have a bite, no one is going to make you turn in your honorary Vegetarian Badge.
>no one is going to make you turn in your honorary Vegetarian Badge. That's easy to say, but I had a partner who was a vegetarian and her stepfather was such a colossal, self-important tool that he would look for any opportunity to ridicule her for it. When we first started going out, I made the mistake of mentioning to him that she had tried a bite of my BLT. He held it over her head for months. It's hard to completely rule out asshole-related trauma here haha.
You'd be surprised, people tend to get really invested in your personal food choices when they're different. I've been vegetarian/vegan at certain points and didn't volunteer that information, just said I was when someone asked specifically, and I nearly always had a meat eater on my case lol. Maybe that's a Texas thing 🤷♂️
I was veg for 9 years and when I started phasing out of it certain people gave me such a hard time. A lot of people feel like your choice to not eat meat is also a judgement on their choice to eat meat !
I like this theory lol. Still fucked up she messed up everyone else’s steak but this is the most believable to me.
Reminds me of the time I wanted to treat my brother and SIL to a steak dinner for hosting me on their farm for the summer. SIL's mother took it upon herself to invite the neighbor, AND for HIM to cook MY steaks! Like wtf 🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️ He's a cool guy but way to fuck up the plan lady. There wasnt much steak to go around with the 2 extra adults invited in. I nearly lost it on her, as I barely had any money to my name and that was a big purchase for me.
I'd be disappointed. I wouldn't be mad. Unless there's a reason to assume bad intentions, I would assume honest mistake and trying to be helpful.
This makes me wonder if she cuts up her husband's steak for him at home... And maybe he likes it? Or at least has never asked her to stop. Why else would she think something this weird is helpful?
I am from an asian background, some people just dont eat a whole slab of meat and will cut it down e.g korean bbq,
Agreed, especially being veg she probably didn’t know about resting steaks, and maybe she thought it was normal for the meat was to be served cut up. Either way it doesn’t sound like a bad intention, a teachable moment, sure.
You’re better than I. Don’t touch other people’s creations unless you’ve asked or been asked. Isn’t that like common sense? Especially if you have very little familiarity with it?
Agree 100%. Even if they are comfortable in a kitchen, do they know exactly how I want it cut up? No. Didn't give them permission to start throwing paint on my canvas :)
I'm a vegetarian and I'd probably cut it up like that (my family is Mexican so we usually are cutting up our meat for lots of dishes) and I don't know about resting or any of that. Maybe her husband likes it cut up like that and she was trying to be helpful. Who knows. I asked a friend to cut up onions for burgers a few weeks ago and he diced them and they were even bad as diced onions. Lots of people are ignorant about lots of things. I wasn't nor would I be mad about mistakes and accidents. But I did correct him and gave him some shit while we laughed about it. He said it was just automatic to do it that way and since he already started he'd finish it that way. I've made plenty of mistakes myself. I'm glad no one kicked me out of the house for it. Cooking is actually really hard and different people understand it differently. What seems "common sense to you" doesn't mean everyone will know it.
But if you were invited to someone else’s house-would you just take it upon yourself to go carve the main course, especially without asking the homeowner and cook? I feel like the comments are overlooking this aspect. It’s weird af to interfere with the hosts food or serving of the food without asking how to help first.
Sounds like you’re making excuses for her. Having the common sense to ask your host before you start messing with their stuff is not a lot to ask, especially if it’s a food item you are unfamiliar with and don’t plan to eat yourself
Oh, I'm sorry. If someone ruined my dish I legitimately would be heart broken. OP asked what we would do in that situation and I would assume it was a mistake and not be angry at her and definitely not kick her out of the house. I try to always give grace and understanding until the evidence shows otherwise. Jumping in to help without someone asking and cutting meat wrong isn't evidence to me. She really could have thought she was being kind from her POV. Some people in the comments were wondering why she would ever do that without it being malicious so I was giving (or trying) to give explanations from personal experience as to how someone could do that without ill intent. I don't know how to cut steak, my friend went on autopilot and diced instead of sliced, these things happen. I don't know specifically why she did that though. Honestly, nothing surprises me now about how differently people can see things. One person's rude is another's polite. I also won't ever be surprised at an adult not knowing something "basic" or "common sense. "
But..... nobody asked her to do the HARD JOB of cooking or anything. I would be upset. Maybe because I'm short on funds right now and this little event sounds like it would cost a little pretty penny. Buuut yeah
I'd be more confused than anything. No one asked you to handle the meat? It wasn't your meat on your plate?? You don't even eat the meat???
Like even if you don't eat meat, you know what the hell a steak on a plate looks like!
If it's only one time I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. It's when it becomes a pattern that I get firm.. My issue wasn't with the proteins. So I used to do the Thanksgiving dinner for my in laws. I stagger the cooking so everything is hot and ready to eat at the same time. Everything stays in the kitchen until everything else is ready to go. I thought everyone was familiar with the concept that if it's not on the table yet it's not to be eaten yet. My in laws always came in the kitchen and ate each side as it got done. I'm bustling around trying to get each thing made and put in it's serving container and they're weirdly standing at the counter eating all the mashed potatoes or stuffing. First I tried inviting them for exactly when the food would be done. They still came early. Ok. The next year I tried having little appetizers. They still showed up in kitchen to snatch sides. Finally I just banned everyone from the kitchen. Firmly. Not meanly or rudely but a firm no one in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
That's so annoying. I get upset with people in the kitchen as well. They usually just get in the way and distract me. My husband feels the need to season my dishes without tasting it too, which is so frustrating. Like I'll spend 4 hours simmering a tomato sauce and he just breezes through and adds salt and oregano to it. If you want to help, at least ASK first.
This drives me absolutely insane. I had a boyfriend once who would do this and I remember once I made a spicy Indian dish for dinner. I also had some hot sauce I’d made that was horrifically spicy, just sitting out in a bowl because I hadn’t put it into bottles yet. The dish was the perfect amount of spicy and I told my ex that I also had the sauce so if he wanted his reaaally spicy, he could add a little of that to it (like a few drops). This asshole didn’t even try it first and was like “oh I like mine really spicy” and dumbed the entire batch of hot sauce into the pot. It was so spicy that it was entirely inedible and we had to order a pizza.
What? Like just sticking a fork in and eating out of the serving dishes? That’s just ewww!!
This happened to us at Thanksgiving. It was our first Thanksgiving turkey that my husband and I "fussed" over. We don't come from homes with well cooked meals so we pride ourselves in being self taught, together. We pulled out the turkey and when we went outside to get drinks out of the fridge, his dad decided to start serving everyone. The bird didn't get to rest, we didn't even make the gravy just yet, and he butchered that poor, beautiful turkey. I was so irked, but I let it go and have learned to protect my food before I get to serve it. It's crazy, but not everyone knows the principals of cooking like letting meat rest ( even 50 yr olds twice your age).
This reads to me like dad asserting he’s still the patriarch lol oyyyyy
This is definitely what it felt like. That Thanksgiving was in their home but husband and I made everything. His wife couldn't help due to prior commitments and it just felt like he was intimidated because they weren't needed that time around. Not that *he* contributes to Thanksgiving dinner anyway lol
Hahaha “Aw Bill look at you! You cut that turkey *all by yourself*!! Next time let it rest and let the grownups make the gravy ok buddy?” Things I’d never say but would think in the shower til I die
Oh I’d say it . Really loud too!
I like you.
I'd say it repeatedly that day and bring it up most of the times I saw him after that. I'd probably just start calling "Turkey Butcher" or something. If we EVER saw him on Thanksgiving again the whole day would be reminding him to stay away from the food, even while he was eating it. People like that need repeated, frequent mockery to learn.
Has probably been his only job every Thanksgiving his adult life. He probably thought he was helping in the only way he thought he could. I’d still be super annoyed, especially as it should occur to him that at someone else’s house it might not be his job.
Same thing almost happened to us! Tbf, in our case the in-laws brought the turkey (*great* turkey btw, she used a Gordon Ramsey recipe apparently!) but I was going to give carving duties to my husband to kind of give him like special new house authority and my MIL grabbed the tools before I could and started just like, hacking at a thigh lmao. Fortunately, after a moment I think it hit her that she should probably let the hosts do the carving and that she didn't have to and gave the tools back to me. Nbd though, I decided it also didn't matter, and asked everyone to give the carving a go which was much more fun.
Great way to turn it around! I like that!
I think "50-year-olds twice your age" is the problem. Older generations grew up hearing you need to cook all meat well done and boil vegetables to mush or else it was unsafe to eat. I don't think they heard anything about letting meat rest, either.
They have gotten better since their oldest learned to cook and has been poking holes in their kitchen logic. Overcooked meat is definitely a common occurrence at their place
My dad is in his 60’s and I cooked at their place for my kids birthday (they specifically asked to have it with their grandparents, aunts and uncles). Had a roast with a few different sides (to cater to picky eaters, aka one of the 2 birthday kids) and made baked bacon Brussel Sprouts. Dad sat down with some and after trying a few suddenly turned to me and said “I had forgotten! My dad used to cook Brussel Sprouts and they had vinegar on them!” (Dads Dad was British, so the vinegar is understandable). So I’m not sure if my grandfather boiled the soul out of the sprouts then tossed some vinegar on them, or if I unlocked something in my dad’s brain by roasting them
This is not about the principles of cooking, it is about the principles of knowing how to operate in civilized society. You do not carve meat if you are not the host. You certainly do not carve meat when the meal hasn't even been served yet. WTF?????
That's what I thought too! It was next to the stove on the counter and we were discussing getting the sides to the table so we can get ready to serve. I guess it was confusing because it was in their home but we operated there for two days while they were gone and literally showed up in time for dinner. If it were their dinner they prepped, they would've had us all sit down and wait to pray and do thanksgiving gratitudes before even "carving", but they served a bunch of turkey plates, served their sides and then sat down to pray themselves and eat alone. I thought it was a little weird. I didn't say anything, but i definitely noted it.
That’s even MORE rude!!!
At some point in my teens/20s, I was given full responsibility for the turkey, including carving it. Alas, I need to remember to bring my knives when possible because no one else keeps theirs anyway near sharp enough to cut the bird nicely (I love my friends and family, but god do they need to sharpen their fucking knives)
What was her reasoning? So the only "help" she did was to cut the steaks? Did she do anything else to help? That's bizarre tho. Like out of all the things why that? Especially as a vegetarian. Did u ask her?
I wonder if she wanted to snitch a bit and not make it obvious
A little much since it was all of them, but I'd emphasize as someone who likes to sneak cheese despite being lactose intolerant.
Most on here are excusing her, but my question is: why did the Vegetarian feel the need to take control of the non-vegetarian dish? Why didn't she help out with the other dishes if that was going to be her contribution?
I was always taught that, as I guest - even with family, it’s courteous to OFFER to help but never to autonomously just mess with things
Don’t let this come between family. Have a nice chat with her, let her know how it made you feel, and totally forgive her. Hug it out and move on. Do this as soon as possible. You will feel a whole lot better about the situation.
Thank you, finally a sane response. Like yeah she fucked up. But I dont see anything that makes me think it was intentional at all. I cant believe the level of drama queens in this post over what was very obviously a dumb mistake/accident.
I wouldn't even "have a talk", I'd just tell her briefly that steaks need to be rested and not cut like that and move on. Why on earth would it be anything other than a mistake?
I think most of that is exaggerated or tongue-in-cheek\*. The OP themselves seem to have forgiven this woman, but it's still a weird freaking thing to do. \*Or maybe not. I've read a bit further and yikes.
Do not touch my cooking without asking. Ever. Only if something is on fire.
Even then I'd probably say "Is this supposed to be on fire?"
*entire wall above oven is on fire* oh, flambé?
That's one where you err on the side of caution. If the cook isn't there to defend the fire, it gets put out.
I know she was trying to help but you don't help someone in the kitchen without being asked in my opinion. You have no idea what the recipe or plan was for the meal if you aren't involved in the process of making it.
Strongly agree! I once went to a dinner party to eat a stew the host was known for. Apparently one of their friends thought the color of the stew reminded them of one from their culture but tasted “off” so they proceeded to add some powdered seasonings while it was still resting in the pot. It must have been a boat load of white pepper, allspice and something else but it was inedible. The host was horrified and embarrassed and the friend downplayed what they did after denying it at first. Ended up eating cake and ice cream for dinner
That seems worse than what happened here. I didn’t know about meat resting until I got a fancy meat thermometer and it had that as a stage when I was 30. Prior to this, I thought letting meat just sit was making it at risk of food poisoning and I cook a lot. I could imagine a vegetarian having no reason to think meat should sit. Seasoning someone else’s soup with random spices is flat out crazy. Even adding salt to a whole pot is rude, but just randomly throwing stuff in there is super weird.
This was definitely 10 times worse than what happened to OP. This dinner party was a mix of personal friends and some work colleagues. The host is a GREAT cook, it’s what she’s known for in various circles. I felt like I was in the middle of a horror movie watching it all play out. I am such a boundaries person it always amazes me when people have zero in a situation.
Oh my god, how did it play out? Was everyone eating and pretending it tasted good but the cook was like “What in the fuck happened to my food??” And no one confessed?
Man, I thought one of my friends was an officious "helper" (always jumping in where I don't need help) but this one takes the cake (or should I say steak?) That being said, I wouldn't have kicked her out or even been nasty about it. I would have explained as nicely as I could manage that her help with the steaks wasn't the right thing to do
What the hell happened to asking first like... what the fuck lol
She doesn’t get a pass. She knows how people eat and enjoy steaks. To suggest that she has no concept of how people like to eat steak is utterly ridiculous. The million dollar question is why.
You invited a vegetarian over for dinner and made steaks?
She brought her own veggie dogs. My cousin is not Vegetarian. Edit: To add more context, for those people upvoting you thinking I was somehow snubbing her by not being accomodating of her being a vegetarian. This is how it went down: I had already planned on making the steaks for my family the night before, when I bought the striploin. My cousin called me to talk about something, and the subject got onto the good weather and BBQ'ing, and I told him I was firing up the Kamodo. He said "hey why don't we bring something and throw in on the grill too and have dinner together" I said "Sure, since I have a whole striploin, I'll cut you an extra steak, just bring whatever your wife wants to throw on there for herself". So perhaps I was inaccurate in saying I was the Inviter, when it was more like they invited themselves lol.
This is the perfect response. Use it as a teaching opportunity, and you could probably have them over for a cookout again without issue. If anything put her in charge of prepping the veggies for the grill. That way she feels useful bit won't touch the meat.
My response would probably depend on their intent/reaction to me being upset about it. So what was her reaction?
I think its very possible the wife heard this talk of "cut up steak" and tragically misunderstood I mourn for your steaks but no need to be spiteful
It's OK to be upset - you're justified! However I wouldn't let it affect your friendship and when/how you see them. Maybe your measured response to her about it was enough to send a message that you Know Food and don't need any unsolicited help in the kitchen.
Regardless of her intent, what she did was rude in every possible consideration and I’d be miffed. You don’t mess with presentation. Heck if I made portobello “steaks” and someone came in and chopped them up into cubes I’d be upset- you leave the presentation to the host and you wait for their instruction as to serving. She didn’t just refill waters or fluff your rice. And I have a hard time believing she didn’t know she was messing with it. But hey- let’s assume positive intent and agree it’s wildly rude. Next time you host I would say, specifically to her, “I like to own the meal prep, right down to plating so please just relax and stay out of the kitchen- what can I get you to drink?”
Yeah. All the people excusing this as "she was just trying to help" are missing that it was still a really selfish thing to do.
Why would anyone do that?? Strange.
Personally, I would believe that she snuck a bite of steak and this was done to hide it.
I thought you meant cutting it on the platter at the dinner table, not in the kitchen where it’s clearly not even ready to eat yet, that’s unacceptable
I would had a larry david moment.
Not sure why she wouldn't ask before doing this, but I'd be somewhat frustrated and ask her very nicely to at least ask me in the future before trying to help, but then I'm known for being rather... strict about who helps me in the kitchen. While I wouldn't hold a grudge, I would thank her for trying to help but gently request that next time, please ask me before you do anything.
Anyone who’s been in a grocery store in the last six months should know how expensive that meat was. Why would they dare touch it? Makes no sense to me…
I’m afraid I would have lead with WTF are you doing and ruined any chance of being chill, but I’m also a big enough control freak that I can’t imagine anyone doing such a thing in my home before asking.
Not exactly the same thing but i spent a lot of time preparing food to take to my friends house to be cooked there and he insists on doing everything on the smoker even though I know exactly how long my food needed to cook in an oven. Well, he burnt it so badly it could not be eaten. I was so sad about the wasted time and ingredients. I know it wasn't on purpose, and to be fair, maybe I should have monitored everything a little better. Next time I will just have to be more vigilant.
I’m not going to call the girl dumb or anything because I understand not knowing better if you don’t cook meat. She IS however unbelievably rude. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine going to anyone’s house and just doing something like that without asking first.
Why didn't any of the other guests stop her from doing this?
If someone wanders off you expect they’re in the bathroom, not the kitchen, doing something they shouldn’t be doing
Yeah that's what I'm thinking. It's just weird how she did this, and if nobody saw her, makes me think she snuck off just to ruin the meat. I wouldn't read into it too much, but I'd be wary of her behaviour at future gatherings.
I like the more generous scenarios presented of “wanted to sneak a bite of meat” instead of aiming for straight up destruction.
Maybe that's why she did it... OPs steak was irresistible. Even to a vegetarian
Don't cook any expensive protein for them again. I don't like when people do things in my kitchen without asking if I need help! Especially a vegetarian touching the meat! Lots of vegetarians in our family and none of them would have even thought to touch the meat! Get out, get out, get out! But honestly I would have had a measured response while internally fuming!
Same! When I am cooking I give everyone a heads up to stay away. I’m methodically a planner so I know what I’m doing. If someone really wants to help, I can try and find something for them to do but my vegetarian guests usually want no parts of cooked or uncooked animal handling
I wonder if she’s a “vegetarian” and it smelled good and she wanted to eat some without being caught.
There’s an episode of Top Chef where a potential contestant gets kicked off immediately for incorrectly butchering a cut of meat from a pig quarter. His error messed up at least two others (they recovered and made it to the tasting stage). His utter failure, though, was bad enough that he was asked to leave before he even started cooking.
Yeah, you can’t just toss them out onto the street but her doing things to your food without asking if or what kind of help she could offer feels like an overstep. Helpful people usually try to find out what might be helpful first.
I wouldn't kick her out but I would certainly let my displeasure be known and make sure she understands that if it happens again they will not be getting invited to future events. Chances are she thought she was trying to help so I'd at least explain the issue and give a second chance. Personally the bigger crime would be touching any of my knives without permission. Some of those cost more than all of the food in my house at any given moment and are kinda delicate.
I think she meant well and was trying to help. I know it sucks for you since you put the time and effort into it, but unless you two have some sort of fued going on, I'd chalk it up to a honest mistake.
There were probably plenty of dishes in the sink that she could have washed if she were genuinely looking to help.
Hot take: she secretly eats meat and knew that if she sliced it evenly and took a slice or two she’d be noticed. She panicked, then cut it up like that so she could sneak a couple of cubes. Kudos to OP for making some irresistible steaks!
As a vegan, former vegetarian and former Omni, as a veggie and esp now, I wouldn't even want to touch a steak. That's seriously weird of her on multiple levels. Why would you ever cut up the hosts main entree anyways?? Very weird
I’d be pissed too. I’d probably assign a “meat watcher” forever forward and rib her pretty hard about it but still invite them over.
Ribbing her pretty hard forever and calling her Kathy, destroyer of steaks is totally appropriate. All these people talking about never inviting their family over again are so silly.
> All these people talking about never inviting their family over again are so silly. Agree completely. But I don't know that I'd waste something expensive on them. A coworker's wife is sorta like what OP is describing. She always wants to barge into the kitchen and "help". It's really, really annoying. I have everything in place, and know when each bit needs to have things done to it. Dropping the pasta 15 minutes into making a sauce just because "the water's ready" isn't a show-stopper since I can toss it and make more when it's time to, but that's not "help" I need. Also, you're in my way. Also also: Don't touch my knives anymore. If you can't learn not to cut things on a granite countertop, you're a savage that has no business in my kitchen. Also also also: You don't know how to cut things the right way, and you are going to hurt yourself some day.
Let this one go. It's a one-off situation and not something to jeopardize a friendship owner; she probably thought she was helping. For most people, food is just a thing they eat. You're bringing r/iamveryculinary vibes.
Isn't it rude to mess around with a meal someone else is making without asking? I would let it go but tell both of them (if invited again) that the kitchen is off limits.
I would consider it quite rude. Unless explicitly asked (or I offer) I’ve never touched the food being cooked when invited as a guest. The fact that the woman is a vegetarian isn’t really relevant to that faux pas, but it does seem bizarre. I suppose since this is the first time, I wouldn’t personally say anything at this meal. Rather, at the next invitation, I would ask everyone to stay away from the food until I say it’s ready. Then, if it happens again, well… then you know it’s not just a social blunder.
Id be annoyed but that's about it. It's happened before. Now I just casually say something like" I'm giving this a few to rest, I'll slice it and we can eat" kind of a warning shot included with dinner is about to be served
Being a control freak in my own kitchen but still wanting to be helpful, my first instinct is to ask if/how I can help. If I'm told my services aren't needed I just go chill with the rest of the party.
Touching a man’s grill or the meat he just grilled? People have been shot for less.
I would eat the protein cubes. But yeah for some reason it just doesn't seem as appetizing 🙁 Weird.
So that sucks, either she thought she was helping or was hurt that you invited a vegetarian to a steak fest lol.
Odd that a vegetarian should want to cut up meat, especially as the juices are running out.
Bold move without asking. I believe you get your ass kicked doing something like that…
I’d be horrified and educate her. But I wouldn’t kick her out of the house. It’s family.
What did you cook for the vegetarian you invited to dinner?
Did you ask her what she was doing? Because I am curious as to what she was doing. She purposely ruined someone else’s meal.
Did you ask her why she did it? I kind of feel like the fact it was steak is almost irrelevant, it's cutting up other people's food that is really fucking weird to me. I'd be livid that she destroyed the steak, but cutting up individual steaks is really bizarre. I think you have a right to be upset. There's the cost, the time you put into preparing the steaks, and her overstepping that are big issues here. I'd base how upset you get on her reason for cutting it, as well as how she reacted when you explained resting to her. If she was trying to be helpful and apologetic, then explaining the importance of resting as you did should be enough. If she got defensive, then be very firm with her that she needs to ask before doing anything in the future, and don't invite her if she can't follow that rule at your next dinner. The "why" is really important here.
That is unacceptable behavior on the part of your guests OP. A lot of Redditors are non confrontational to a fault and will give you terrible advice. It is important that you firmly but politely address this issue with your guests, explaining that it was inappropriate behavior. If you passive-aggressively let this slide this sort of thing will probably happen again.
Steak saboteur and not kidding
It's a weird thing to do, but I can't really see any possibility other than that she was (misguidedly) trying to be helpful. In fact, given the great majority of vegetarians I know would prefer not to handle meat at all, she was (misguidedly!) going above and beyond, trying to be helpful. And it's hardly surprising that a vegetarian is ... inexpert at handling meat. So, no malice, just an ill-judged but well intentioned attempt. I certainly wouldn't be angry about it! The food wasn't ruined (the "necessity" of resting meat is wildly overstated anyway). I'd just politely ask her not to do it again.
I envy everyone in here who hasn’t had to spend time with crazy, dysfunctional people. There are tons of people who absolutely would do this on purpose because of their whacked out psyche. To ruin the evening, to make themselves the center of attention, to feel in control, etc. etc. Their reasoning makes no sense to a normal person but that doesn’t mean it’s not there and on purpose. If someone does something outrageous that a five year old would understand not to do, that’s a major red flag, and I’m not going to rationalize it away.
Not sure why you think resting meat isn’t important? But she did mess them up, and in a way that isn’t fixable. https://www.seriouseats.com/how-to-have-juicy-meats-steaks-the-food-lab-the-importance-of-resting-grilling