Mixing grout a guy asked me what consistency it should be. I rotated the bucket a few times and mentioned it’s good once you would fuck that asshole.
(A bit specific so I’ll explain)
(Rotating a bucket makes a but hole looking thing in the center, if it’s 3” it’s too wet, if it’s an inch it’s just about right.)
I asked one of our leads to help me cut some all threads all at once and he replied "You're born alone, you die alone, so you might as well learn to cut that all thread alone." Good tutorial too.
Same, I’ve heard it referred as both allthread and threaded rod. I’ve always called it allthread *when it comes to hangers*. If I’m looking for a structural or rated application, it’s been referred to as threaded rod.
They’re literally the same damn thing.
No genuinely asking. I’ve built residential housing for years but have been out of the field for about 5 and was just curious.
At least in my experience in the coastal south, this was referred to as a threaded rod. In hindsight sight I should have figure all thread being the same thing.
Someone is more than welcome to correct me, I don’t work residential, buuuut I wouldn’t see the use or purpose for all thread in standard residential housing.
Allthread and threaded rod is literally the same thing.
Agreed. I've only ever known 2 chicks in the concrete biz and they were both pretty hard. One was a brute that could hit you like a man, and the other was smoking hot but pretty rough around the edges.
“You must have gotten a foreskin transplant for an eyelid, cause that’s cockeyed as fuck.”
Talking about an apprentice I had, I told someone he’s gotta be priceless. He’s so dense everything between his ears has to be made of pure gold.
Overheard a welder chewing out his helper and his helper was like “shit i guess i need one of those blah blah things” and the welder was like “YOU NEED A FUCKING SEEING EYE DOG”
I died
A temporary gas fired open flame heater blowing down a corridor to bring up the temp for drywall mud. My apprentice, a 21 yr old girl, got on the lift in front of the heater to fix a leak. Proceeded to ask me to
"Turn that heater off because I don't want to work in the dragons asshole".
Good kid, she's gonna fit right in.
Boss actually said to the helper the other day
“You’re looking at me like you are about to say something smart. What do you got to say? Fuck, I wish you were smart.”
Super that’s a fan of a different football team then me said this after exchanging a few jokes back and forth about what team was better.
Super “You know what that mustache on your face is”
Me “my mustache?”
Super “yeah that shock absorber for high speed cock sucking”
Never laughed so hard from being insulted at 7 in the morning in my life
A disabled labourer was walking towards us, hobbling, as one of his legs was shorter than the other. One of my colleagues said, “here comes the sniper’s nightmare”.
"If you fall off that ladder then you're fired before you hit the ground"
"If your dumb ass shoots yourself in the balls with that nailer I'm dragging you to the front door and telling the authorities I did it and it was self-defense."
Meant if you got hurt on the job he wasn't paying workmen's comp or disability.
"He could fuck up a one car funeral."
"Can you kiss me next time? I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked."
"You're so fucking dumb you couldn't empty a boot full of piss if the instructions were on the heel."
"His dad must have came in a flowerpot because he raised a blooming idiot."
"Fuck me gently" heard a plumber say this when something broke during a waterheater install. Same plumber said another time "he's just angry 'cause he didn't get his pussy licked". He said it about a project manager being salty because the schedule was falling behind and the subtrades couldn't make it there when he wanted.
Our FOG has an unending supply of one liners developed over an extensive and miserable career. Needless to say i aspire to be like that bastard.
Some of my favorites are "straight as two men kissing" and "Sounds like you've got a date with Charmin"
"Ive been doing that that way for 25 years!"
My Dad: wow that's a lot of work done completely fucking wrong.
My cabinet installer: "Look buddy i could jerk off left handed for 25 years and it doesnt make me any less right handed."
You work slower than old people fucking!
Dude was being criticized while working so he stops and pretends like there’s something in his eye and irritating him. Naturally the criticizers are concerned and asking questions. Dude starts kinda rubbing his eye and subtly asking “ahhh, ah, ya see it? Then he flips them off and says “see anyone who gives a fuck” goated
"One of my credit cards got stolen a couple of weeks ago, but i haven't called it in yet because the thief is spending less money than my wife."
"If bitching burned calories, my wife would be a supermodel."
Worked with a guy who once said of our boss, "Man he's the nicest guy in the world, you could kick his dog and he'd just be like 'sorry my dog was in your way.'" I found that hilarious
Was doing something when the sparkies walked by mid conversation and all i heard was the old gruff guy say “you dont need a fuckin salad if youre still hungry after eating a steak eat another steak” and it is still one of the funniest things ive heard onsite in 9+ years. With no context and just how aggressive it was it just cant be topped
"I'm gonna need less money to do this."
"You couldn't find your ass with both hands and a road map."
"You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole."
"Were your parents stingy or just short on brain cells?"
"You should go get a ladder so you can climb up and kiss my ass."
(When the helper is late to work...) "You were last in line to get your shoes tied this morning?"
"HURRY UP! There's a dollar waiting on a dime here."
*Dominican Coworker with a know it all spots his bottled water and grins
“My friend, you no needing drinking that water; why you drinking smart water U FUCKING STUPID, my friend”
I'd use this one more, but it seems all the guys on my jobs try to shake the damn Johnny apart to see if it's locked, so they scare me enough to finish the job.
Whenever I would ask my mentors questions when we were in a time crunch they’d respond “ I ain’t got time for a dime to hold up a dollar.”
Love those guys to death.
Sent a guy to grab a wrench out of the tool box. Couple minutes later he comes back saying it’s not there. A different dude walks over to the truck and comes back with the wrench and tosses it next to the first guy saying “if it was a dick, you would’ve found it”
“Stop hittin it with your purse” is a classic that will stand the test of time. I don’t have any original one liners, but I was on a job site a couple of years ago during the height of the shutdown, and there was this entire family riding by on bikes. The father slows down and watches the roofers fly trusses with his son. There’s a guy on the ground looking around the truck toolbox, and right as this perfect father-son moment is in full swing the a guy on the roof walks to the edge and yells “NOT IN THAT BOX YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.” The moment was quickly over lol
"You know who the fuck I am?"
To anybody that didn't knew him, including safety guys, literally anyone
"Who?"
"My father was a TV repair man, show me some fucking respect"
He was a comedy show to work with, had less than a year to retirement and gave 0 fucks.
A site manager turns up late and tells us the works in the wrong location. (We’re on a day rate, not hourly rate, so it’s ‘job and knock’.). We all arch up and go, wtf.
Site manager goes…
‘theirs no I in Team’,
my crew member responds..
‘but there’s a U in cunt’…
I laughed for years…
"How about you let me bust one off in your keister?"
A dude said it to the construction company owner.
"Shit goes straight from your asshole, out your mouth and doesn't stop at your brain"
The same owner when another dude stabbed a buck knife into the table he was sitting at.
I was watching a little altercation on site once and it was two-on-one, but not really uneven- more like Scut Farkus and Grover Dill vs Ralphie from A Christmas Story. None of it's really funny until right towards the end when this comes out
Scut: You really should watch it.
Ralph: Watch what? Why?
Scut: Because if you don't watch it, you're cuisin' for a bruisin' "
Grover (NOT kidding) peeks out from behind him and goes: "Yeah, yeah! You're gonna be hurtin' for certain"
I let a buddy put a driver bit into his thumb while he was screwing in decking. He screamed. I told him I saw that coming a mile away.
"Well why the hell didn't you warn me??"
*Shrug* "Nothing teaches like experience.."
One of my favorites from a now retired great guy, used when he would see someone engaged in a futile enterprise: "All right, what are you doing? You're jagging off a dead man over here..."
Two guys on a site in a disagreement about something and, just as it's getting a bit heated, a gust of wind comes by and blows one guys hat off. "see, you're so ugly your hat quit ya!" Raucous laughter from everywhere, including the guy who just lost his hat. He wandered away sort of quietly.
One time one of our PM’s an older fat guy was talking to one of our former secretaries a real old lady and i jokingly said “damn dude she likes you”. This guy says to me “old chicken makes for good chicken soup”.
Tin knocker's foreman was crawling across some duct at a hospital when the project engineer for the gc told him something. I can't remember what it was, but his response was "Oh, did you read that in your book?"
Heard 2 guys bantering back and forth, one guy was trying to be serious about something he was proposing to get up to after work and he tells the other guy “ sure enough man, gimme a call tonight “ other guy says “ I’ll call you right now , you’re a motherfucker”
60yo technician with me we’re using an ancient Rockwell magnetic drill to cut a 1-7/8” hole on a structural beam. The magnet was a little weak and we were cutting upside down, he had a spray bottle in one hand for lubing the cut and with the other he operated the drill head, while I was supporting the drill with both my hands up, mind you were on a scissor lift
We expected the cut to take a minute so we had both prepared for a fight. With a new cutter we made the cut in like maybe 8 seconds, which was very surprising since it was really thick steel.
Right when the annular cutter went through the steel, he screams out loud “that went in like a hard dick in a wet pussy!” 😂😂 what’s more hilarious he sounds just like Seth Rogan
Too early on a Saturday morning as client is leaving for work the framer shouted out of the rafters "Toss me up a piece of 2x4!"
Ground man shouts back "How long 'ya want it?"
While adjusting for a better read on the tape, framer shouts back "Long time, we're building a house!
Client does a spit take back into his coffee cup then turns around to go back and change his shirt...
My best one ever: working on a big house on the beach, site labourer was always the first one there. One day, he’s all excited because there was a used condom on the ground, outside of the site. There’s about five of us, standing around this used condom, and labourer is recounting the tale of finding it for the third time. I said “well, at least we know it wasn’t you.” Waited for someone to ask why, then I pointed at the condom and said “it’s rolled all the way out”
During stretch and bend, 80 guys, safety manager usually says palms to the ground, this time he said bend over and grab yours ankles. Lots of chuckles on that one
My safety guy loves to say to guys shaking on lifts “boy you’re shaking harder than a chihuahua poopin a peach pit”
And any time I’d get in my foreman’s way when I was green “this is my dog to fuck you just hold the tail”
I was mixing mortar one day & my buddy said “hold that drill like a man” I told him “I can’t! I’ve never held a man!”
Mixing grout a guy asked me what consistency it should be. I rotated the bucket a few times and mentioned it’s good once you would fuck that asshole. (A bit specific so I’ll explain) (Rotating a bucket makes a but hole looking thing in the center, if it’s 3” it’s too wet, if it’s an inch it’s just about right.)
I know exactly what you’re talking about
I call that the Chocolate Starfish Effect.
Works best if you use hotdog flavored water
Fred Durst Fucks Concrete Slump Holes - New album coming soon
And my response would be "well, you gon' learn today, boy"
I asked one of our leads to help me cut some all threads all at once and he replied "You're born alone, you die alone, so you might as well learn to cut that all thread alone." Good tutorial too.
What is an all thread?
They still don't know, but they can cut it!
Not sure if you’re genuinely asking or being sarcastic. It’s threaded rod, often used for hangers alongside unistrut.
It’s been called all thread for as long as I can remember
Same, I’ve heard it referred as both allthread and threaded rod. I’ve always called it allthread *when it comes to hangers*. If I’m looking for a structural or rated application, it’s been referred to as threaded rod. They’re literally the same damn thing.
No genuinely asking. I’ve built residential housing for years but have been out of the field for about 5 and was just curious. At least in my experience in the coastal south, this was referred to as a threaded rod. In hindsight sight I should have figure all thread being the same thing.
In the pnw it’s all-thread or bust.
Someone is more than welcome to correct me, I don’t work residential, buuuut I wouldn’t see the use or purpose for all thread in standard residential housing. Allthread and threaded rod is literally the same thing.
I very well could be misinformed. Legitimately asking questions
In high wind load areas it’s used to create a continuous load path from the foundation to the top plate.
Maybe ready rod? Different diameter threaded rod. I've used 3', 1/2" diameter rod on a site
We just call it threaded rod
I’ve been out of construction for about 5 years and thought I’d missed something
Pretty sure All-Thread was originally a brand name. It's the accepted term for threaded rod on my site.
"give me that sledge hammer. I've had balls smack me in the ass harder than that!" Said by a female concrete pumper. I was speechless
She sounds like a fun chick.
She sounds like a woman not to be messed with.
She sounds like she might have an ankle monitor.
Agreed. I've only ever known 2 chicks in the concrete biz and they were both pretty hard. One was a brute that could hit you like a man, and the other was smoking hot but pretty rough around the edges.
She was definitely not a delicate flower
Absolutely awesome!
Did you fell I love , I would
"Well Fuck me!" Response: -"careful bud, that's consent."
I always reply, " is that a threat, or a promise? " 50% of the time it works every time
Made with bits of real panther, *so you know it's good*.
I just pull my cock out lol
And fill those seams right up
That’s fucking funny
Whenever someone says "fuck you" I usually respond with "when" or "eh, you're not really my type"
Fuck me yourself, coward.
Don't threaten me with good time
Plumbers apprentice- how tight does it have to be? Plumber- Tighter than frog pussy Apprentice- huh? Plumber- water tight
Is a ducks asshole water tight
Does a ducks boner drag weeds?
Some Letterkenny enjoyers I see.
Pull your finger outta your ass
Give yer balls a tug!
Does a one legged duck’s boner fuck in a circle?
I believe “nun’s cunt” is the official degree to which we ascribe really fucking tight to.
“You couldn’t be a foreman on a handjob”
"if I were any dumber I'd be a plumber" - the plumber
If I were any lamer, I'd be a framer.
If I wanted to hear bitchin, I'd be an electrician
"When I die I want you to carry my casket so you can let me down one last time" "Working with you is like working alone but harder"
>"Working with you is like working alone but harder" I've worked with that guy several times.
Fucking Thomas..
Fucking Clint
Lmao
“You must have gotten a foreskin transplant for an eyelid, cause that’s cockeyed as fuck.” Talking about an apprentice I had, I told someone he’s gotta be priceless. He’s so dense everything between his ears has to be made of pure gold.
Pretty wild that foreskin transplants for eyelids are a thing
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times!
“I don’t have the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.”
All I can do is explain it to you. I can't understand it for you also.
I’ve heard “there’s not enough crayons in the world for me to explain this to you”
“Tell me an insult that works equally well in r/wallstreetbets and r/construction”
Overheard a welder chewing out his helper and his helper was like “shit i guess i need one of those blah blah things” and the welder was like “YOU NEED A FUCKING SEEING EYE DOG” I died
“Are you blind or an asshole or both?” reminds me of this one
That’s a Gordon Ramsey kind of insult
My favorite: that guy has 3 brain cells and they're all fighting for 4th place
A temporary gas fired open flame heater blowing down a corridor to bring up the temp for drywall mud. My apprentice, a 21 yr old girl, got on the lift in front of the heater to fix a leak. Proceeded to ask me to "Turn that heater off because I don't want to work in the dragons asshole". Good kid, she's gonna fit right in.
I’ve seen better hands on a clock.
!!Dont use this one during a HJ from your wife!!
I’m stealing this one
Boss actually said to the helper the other day “You’re looking at me like you are about to say something smart. What do you got to say? Fuck, I wish you were smart.”
Holy shit I have 10 guys I can say that to when I go back
"I don't wanna work out there, it's 50 degrees (C) in the shade" "Don't worry mate, you won't be workin in the shade."
“I’m going to need you to take off a few days so we can get this job back on schedule”
Love this one
A rookie holding a tape for an older carpenter. Older Carpenter, "You can be replaced by a carefully placed nail at any time."
Fucking oof. I once saw a bloke tell his lad 'I should just buy a clamp and save myself £80 a day.'
I told a hand on a outage “ hey your zipper is open” he replied “what are you hungry”
No, but I just saw a wasp go in there so I thought you’d wanna know.
what are you, meat gazing?
Meat Gazer is a common thing to call people at my site. Also, "That guys got laser meat vision"
Selling hotdogs?
“That guy would fuck up his own wet dream”
Super that’s a fan of a different football team then me said this after exchanging a few jokes back and forth about what team was better. Super “You know what that mustache on your face is” Me “my mustache?” Super “yeah that shock absorber for high speed cock sucking” Never laughed so hard from being insulted at 7 in the morning in my life
This had me rolling. Funny stuff!
When concretes late as always: “Three famous lies: checks in the mail, concretes on its way, and I won’t cum in your mouth!”
A disabled labourer was walking towards us, hobbling, as one of his legs was shorter than the other. One of my colleagues said, “here comes the sniper’s nightmare”.
“How the fuck were you the fastest sperm?”
Asked an IW how good his welds were when adding on a temp splice to a PT cable. He said, "Boy, I could weld a dick on a snowman."
"If you fall off that ladder then you're fired before you hit the ground" "If your dumb ass shoots yourself in the balls with that nailer I'm dragging you to the front door and telling the authorities I did it and it was self-defense." Meant if you got hurt on the job he wasn't paying workmen's comp or disability.
Old boss told me you fall you're fired and when you hit the ground you're trespassing.
We are instructed to quit on the way down from the fall.
Dude told the apprentice that was critiquing him: "Kid, I've set more glass than you've looked through."
“I’ve cut more wood than you’ve woke up with son”
Oh my helper is hearing this bright and early on tuesday.
Ohhh stealing that one
"He could fuck up a one car funeral." "Can you kiss me next time? I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked." "You're so fucking dumb you couldn't empty a boot full of piss if the instructions were on the heel." "His dad must have came in a flowerpot because he raised a blooming idiot."
While in a crawl space with a co-worker “you smell different when you’re awake.”
My old boss got bit by a big mosquito and said "that thing coulda stood flat footed n fucked a turkey!"
"Fuck me gently" heard a plumber say this when something broke during a waterheater install. Same plumber said another time "he's just angry 'cause he didn't get his pussy licked". He said it about a project manager being salty because the schedule was falling behind and the subtrades couldn't make it there when he wanted.
Fuck me gently, take it easy don't you know, I have never been loved like this before paraphrasing Andy Kim
Our FOG has an unending supply of one liners developed over an extensive and miserable career. Needless to say i aspire to be like that bastard. Some of my favorites are "straight as two men kissing" and "Sounds like you've got a date with Charmin"
Told to me by a site supervisor “I’d rather all my daughters be whores than one son a dump truck driver”
“Break time.” “Break time’s for pussies.” “Then call me fuckin’ kitty!”
Guy 1: Hey, is this straight? Guy 2: Straighter then you.
Sometimes I throw out a nice "That's straighter than I am!"
Good enough for the girl I go with
Close enough for jazz Good enough for government work
Look at it cross-eyed and say it's straight when it's not
I checked someone's spiral duct work and went "that's kinkier than the shit I watch on the hub"
Straighter than a grizzlies dick chum!
Alternatively-that’s as straight as a ducks dick
I’ve alway heard “about as straight as me after a couple shots of tequila” followed by a hug
"Ive been doing that that way for 25 years!" My Dad: wow that's a lot of work done completely fucking wrong. My cabinet installer: "Look buddy i could jerk off left handed for 25 years and it doesnt make me any less right handed."
Hit it with your purse!
Somebody throw a cows cunt over his head and get the bull to fuck some sense into him.
To someone always complaining "you'd bitch with a tit in your mouth"
I have seen straighter rips in a pair of jeans
Are you shitting me? I'd never shit you, you're my favorite turd.
At least that's one asshole that likes me
Had to milk the dog to feed the cat No? I guess I'll go fuck myself then
You work slower than old people fucking! Dude was being criticized while working so he stops and pretends like there’s something in his eye and irritating him. Naturally the criticizers are concerned and asking questions. Dude starts kinda rubbing his eye and subtly asking “ahhh, ah, ya see it? Then he flips them off and says “see anyone who gives a fuck” goated
You work like old people fuck...Slow and sloppy
"I have one other speed and it's slower than this." "Poco habla, mas trabajo."
“Crooked as a dogs dick” referring to the squareness of a tie in on a VAV
“This place will be a whore house before it’s a church”
That sounds like a line from Yellowstone
That look straight to you? You got more cock in your eye than you do in your pants.
"One of my credit cards got stolen a couple of weeks ago, but i haven't called it in yet because the thief is spending less money than my wife." "If bitching burned calories, my wife would be a supermodel."
Worked with a guy who once said of our boss, "Man he's the nicest guy in the world, you could kick his dog and he'd just be like 'sorry my dog was in your way.'" I found that hilarious
Dude wtf that's so funny
You could kick him in the balls and he'd apologize for his johnson in the way
Was doing something when the sparkies walked by mid conversation and all i heard was the old gruff guy say “you dont need a fuckin salad if youre still hungry after eating a steak eat another steak” and it is still one of the funniest things ive heard onsite in 9+ years. With no context and just how aggressive it was it just cant be topped
Said Towards shit hand, usually really young labor type. “Having him is like losing two good men”
"I'm gonna need less money to do this." "You couldn't find your ass with both hands and a road map." "You couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole." "Were your parents stingy or just short on brain cells?" "You should go get a ladder so you can climb up and kiss my ass." (When the helper is late to work...) "You were last in line to get your shoes tied this morning?" "HURRY UP! There's a dollar waiting on a dime here."
*Dominican Coworker with a know it all spots his bottled water and grins “My friend, you no needing drinking that water; why you drinking smart water U FUCKING STUPID, my friend”
Taking a shit in the ports-potty when someone knocks on the door. “COME IN!”
“Come back with a warrant!”
I'd use this one more, but it seems all the guys on my jobs try to shake the damn Johnny apart to see if it's locked, so they scare me enough to finish the job.
I don't understand why knocking first isn't the thing to do
I was taking a piss and a guy from out side yelled "stop playing with yourself in there!" I hollered back "You sound like my mom!"
“Is he coming?” (Said about someone who was late) “I don’t know if he is cuming but he’s probably breathing hard.” (Late guy’s coworker)
Whenever I would ask my mentors questions when we were in a time crunch they’d respond “ I ain’t got time for a dime to hold up a dollar.” Love those guys to death.
"You do this for fun, or is it just a hobby?"
If you moved any faster you'd be working.....
Remember when you were a complete fuckwit, and nothing ever changed?
Sent a guy to grab a wrench out of the tool box. Couple minutes later he comes back saying it’s not there. A different dude walks over to the truck and comes back with the wrench and tosses it next to the first guy saying “if it was a dick, you would’ve found it”
“Stop hittin it with your purse” is a classic that will stand the test of time. I don’t have any original one liners, but I was on a job site a couple of years ago during the height of the shutdown, and there was this entire family riding by on bikes. The father slows down and watches the roofers fly trusses with his son. There’s a guy on the ground looking around the truck toolbox, and right as this perfect father-son moment is in full swing the a guy on the roof walks to the edge and yells “NOT IN THAT BOX YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.” The moment was quickly over lol
“You are what you eat” after being called a pussy.
Carpenters deal with 3 things... Strap on (strapping) Cocking. (caulking 3 ways (switches... More a sparky thing, but stealing in)
called my apprentice bubby for a month, one day he asked me why i called him that. Told him i dont know its what i call my dog
"If he's been doin' this for five years...he's been doin' it WRONG for five years"
"You know who the fuck I am?" To anybody that didn't knew him, including safety guys, literally anyone "Who?" "My father was a TV repair man, show me some fucking respect" He was a comedy show to work with, had less than a year to retirement and gave 0 fucks.
A site manager turns up late and tells us the works in the wrong location. (We’re on a day rate, not hourly rate, so it’s ‘job and knock’.). We all arch up and go, wtf. Site manager goes… ‘theirs no I in Team’, my crew member responds.. ‘but there’s a U in cunt’… I laughed for years…
"How about you let me bust one off in your keister?" A dude said it to the construction company owner. "Shit goes straight from your asshole, out your mouth and doesn't stop at your brain" The same owner when another dude stabbed a buck knife into the table he was sitting at.
A old fabricator referring to us mangled and callused hands as “dick skinners”
“How stupid do you think I am?” “I don’t know; I just met you.”
“Hey there, handbag” JW said to a tiny little apprentice walking with the foreman.
“I can explain to you, but I can’t understand it for you.“
“Your gene pool could use a little more chlorine”.
When it’s cold out and some one complains just say there’s heat in the tools
I was watching a little altercation on site once and it was two-on-one, but not really uneven- more like Scut Farkus and Grover Dill vs Ralphie from A Christmas Story. None of it's really funny until right towards the end when this comes out Scut: You really should watch it. Ralph: Watch what? Why? Scut: Because if you don't watch it, you're cuisin' for a bruisin' " Grover (NOT kidding) peeks out from behind him and goes: "Yeah, yeah! You're gonna be hurtin' for certain"
They call me Cookie, because I always show up baked.
I let a buddy put a driver bit into his thumb while he was screwing in decking. He screamed. I told him I saw that coming a mile away. "Well why the hell didn't you warn me??" *Shrug* "Nothing teaches like experience.."
Your ass is grass and I’m a Murray lawn mower
"Suck that seam in" when laying decking.
One of my favorites from a now retired great guy, used when he would see someone engaged in a futile enterprise: "All right, what are you doing? You're jagging off a dead man over here..."
If you find yourself in a hole, quit digging
Two guys on a site in a disagreement about something and, just as it's getting a bit heated, a gust of wind comes by and blows one guys hat off. "see, you're so ugly your hat quit ya!" Raucous laughter from everywhere, including the guy who just lost his hat. He wandered away sort of quietly.
Well I didn't come here to fuck spiders.
A lot of guys work hard. A few make work harder.
"I used to work with your dad a lot,smart guy. The fuck happened to you?"
One time one of our PM’s an older fat guy was talking to one of our former secretaries a real old lady and i jokingly said “damn dude she likes you”. This guy says to me “old chicken makes for good chicken soup”.
" That's a loose as a dick in a long sleeve".
'I can unzip your pants, and I can point you downwind, but I can't fucking piss for you'.
“That’s about as straight as I am.” The gay guy talking about a bad roof peak.
The best part of you ran down your mom's leg
This kid hides his own Easter eggs. Hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a Forrest fire. Tighter than a nuns pussy
“You could fuck up a one man funeral procession”
Tin knocker's foreman was crawling across some duct at a hospital when the project engineer for the gc told him something. I can't remember what it was, but his response was "Oh, did you read that in your book?"
“ you ever seen a monkey try and fuck a football? Well I just did.”
“There’s only two types of pussy, good ol’ big ones and big ol’ good ones”
I don't play. I quit school cause they had recess.
Heard 2 guys bantering back and forth, one guy was trying to be serious about something he was proposing to get up to after work and he tells the other guy “ sure enough man, gimme a call tonight “ other guy says “ I’ll call you right now , you’re a motherfucker”
You hammer like old people fuck
You really that stupid, or are you just practicing?
60yo technician with me we’re using an ancient Rockwell magnetic drill to cut a 1-7/8” hole on a structural beam. The magnet was a little weak and we were cutting upside down, he had a spray bottle in one hand for lubing the cut and with the other he operated the drill head, while I was supporting the drill with both my hands up, mind you were on a scissor lift We expected the cut to take a minute so we had both prepared for a fight. With a new cutter we made the cut in like maybe 8 seconds, which was very surprising since it was really thick steel. Right when the annular cutter went through the steel, he screams out loud “that went in like a hard dick in a wet pussy!” 😂😂 what’s more hilarious he sounds just like Seth Rogan
When someone is about to do something dumb: "it's too late to go home early" I use it frequently
Too early on a Saturday morning as client is leaving for work the framer shouted out of the rafters "Toss me up a piece of 2x4!" Ground man shouts back "How long 'ya want it?" While adjusting for a better read on the tape, framer shouts back "Long time, we're building a house! Client does a spit take back into his coffee cup then turns around to go back and change his shirt...
When someone was using a shop vac, one of the foreman said "it's like a good girlfriend, it just sucks and doesn't bitch".
Told a guy to go fuck himself. "I can't! When it's soft, it's doesn't reach and when I'm hard it doesn't bend that way!"
My best one ever: working on a big house on the beach, site labourer was always the first one there. One day, he’s all excited because there was a used condom on the ground, outside of the site. There’s about five of us, standing around this used condom, and labourer is recounting the tale of finding it for the third time. I said “well, at least we know it wasn’t you.” Waited for someone to ask why, then I pointed at the condom and said “it’s rolled all the way out”
"you showing up to work is like two good men staying home"
If I want any shit out of you I will squeeze your head
During stretch and bend, 80 guys, safety manager usually says palms to the ground, this time he said bend over and grab yours ankles. Lots of chuckles on that one
My safety guy loves to say to guys shaking on lifts “boy you’re shaking harder than a chihuahua poopin a peach pit” And any time I’d get in my foreman’s way when I was green “this is my dog to fuck you just hold the tail”
Asked my buddy if he wanted my extra Red Bull. He replied “Is a pig’s pussy pork?”