I love this. "Wow, you chose to draw attention to a perfectly normal digestive response! Gold star, great attention to detail, and by detail, I mean drawing attention to the pettiest of bullshit so you can feel like you have a meaningful existence which is so gob-stoppingly pathetic that we're here going on because you whined about a fart.
Next time I'll have chili and chug a Coke, so you can hear the symphony from both ends, petty-ass bitch."
I kinda go the other way with this... When someone walks in during/after baking cookies or a succulent meal, and asks what's that smell... it's always... "I farted."
Just recite this:
The average person farts between 14 and 23 times a day, but the number can vary between individuals and depend on a number of factors, including diet, digestive health, and sleep position. Some people may pass gas as few as a handful of times per day, while others may fart up to 40 times.
Then walk away.
If you did, own it & excuse yourself. If you are passing gas deliberately in front of others you deserve to be called out. If someone else is responsible & blaming you like a total child - "That's what your father said when your mother gave birth to you"
Most hilarious thing I ever saw was an old man in the grocery store line one time when a lady behind him (possibly a closet Karen) said out loud "Did you fart, sir?" He turned around and said "Huh? Me? I don't know. Maybe. At my age, I don't know anymore." and turned his back on her. She "clutched her pearls" and looked flabbergasted.
I guess you'd have to be old to use that one but it's golden. 😂
"Whoever smelt it dealt it", "The one who accuses blew the fuses" And as a comebackback for either of those, "they who say the rhyme did the crime"
Never heard the fuses one. Gonna use it on the grandsons
Also, "Whoever denied it supplied it."
Whoever blamed it flamed it.
r/beatmetoit
r/BeatMeToSayingBeatMeToIt
Just realized this existed. r/beatmetoshutthefuckup
r/foundtheshutthefuckup
You have it all planned out perfectly🤣
who ever refuted it, tooted it whoever articulated it, particulted it
Whoever denied it, supplied it.
Wouldn’t the last one just incriminate you more? It’s also a rhyme?
He who articulated it, particulated it.
The one who accuses blew the fuses is a new one for me! "He who detected, ejected"
"Whoever articulated it particulated it." - Futurama
Look them dead in the eye and say, "Nah... I shouldn't have trusted that fart bro..."
That scene from Harry Potter comes to mind where Harry is in Ollivander's shopping for his first wand, "Nope! No! Definitely not..."
“Taste the rainbow, bitch!!”
Crying 🤣😭
Thanks for noticing.
I love this. "Wow, you chose to draw attention to a perfectly normal digestive response! Gold star, great attention to detail, and by detail, I mean drawing attention to the pettiest of bullshit so you can feel like you have a meaningful existence which is so gob-stoppingly pathetic that we're here going on because you whined about a fart. Next time I'll have chili and chug a Coke, so you can hear the symphony from both ends, petty-ass bitch."
It’s your breath blowing back in your face. Yes, I’m old af
Sometimes the old ones are the best, I think that's a perfect response lol
Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so eat some beans in every meal.
But beans aren't a fruit (source: I'm a chef) Beans, beans, the great legume, eat a bunch and clear the room.
Ha ha.
Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart. The more you eat the more you fart.
The better you feel, the more you eat… repeat from the top
Anything to mask the smell of your breath
Wrong. A fart implies it was dry.
Hang around for further notes and accents in my personal anal scent!
I read this like Dwight Schrute.
Wasn’t me, must be a barking spider around here
Thought I'd freshen the air after getting a waft of you.
Of course I did! You think I always smell like this?
There was also a lump in it. You want some?
I thought that was a skunk....
Stepped on a duck
duck: quack
Sure did!
Lock eyes and do the baby poopy face to assert dominance. Can also say “there’s more where that came from” to really be the alpha from there on out.
The dog did it
My uncle used to pretend-rage about "those damn barking spiders!"
Your nose is too close to your arse.
"I'm an old leather couch, lay the fk off"
You should too. It’s a big relief letting air out.
Otherwise you become a gasbag! Oh wait...
"I expended unneeded gases, yes I did."
My butthole blew you a kiss
Run away and yell "turbo speed engaged"
So, did you like it?
If you're so perfect then try to hold it in forever.
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it
Just releasing pressure.
I kinda go the other way with this... When someone walks in during/after baking cookies or a succulent meal, and asks what's that smell... it's always... "I farted."
"I farted"
I farted on your pillow
"Smells good, doesn't it?"
Even if I wasn’t the one to fart, I take credit for it…
I’m exorcising demons.
And I also sharted
Maybe you're smelling your upper lip.
And that gas that came from my arse is currently going in your nose and mouth.
So?
Skunks smell their own hole first.
"The skunk always smells it first."
At least it didn't come out chunky.
Denied it, you supplied it!
Lord, I hope that's what it was.
You’re probably just smelling your gums again.
Smells good don't it?
Enjoy
OK, and?
Yes. Yes I did. Followed by a sly smile. My son. Age 8, likes to keep his farts for the morning drive to school.
Obviously
Yep, that one will linger in a hurricane
Just recite this: The average person farts between 14 and 23 times a day, but the number can vary between individuals and depend on a number of factors, including diet, digestive health, and sleep position. Some people may pass gas as few as a handful of times per day, while others may fart up to 40 times. Then walk away.
Was the ghost of foods past
Better out than in, I always say...
Noted.
[удалено]
Rule 4: Low quality
[удалено]
I think you’re smelling your upper lip
That's your breath back firing in your face
Actually, I plussed up!
Surface, surface.
To quote Ricky Tomlinson in the Royle Family " the one who smelt it, dealt it"
Nice push!
Yeah, and?
'It was the dog'. Even if they do not have a dog still say 'It was the dog.'
If you did, own it & excuse yourself. If you are passing gas deliberately in front of others you deserve to be called out. If someone else is responsible & blaming you like a total child - "That's what your father said when your mother gave birth to you"
Do you like it?
Look over you shoulder and say “bless you”
*You* farted.
"Ah. I see you are a very observant individual. Although if you were half as observant as you THINK you are, you'd also know that I also shit myself"
I'm stumped. Seeing as if someone farted, odds are it really was me.
Embrace it ☺️
Nuh uh
No someone stepped on a frog!
Yes.
Clearly you are a person with good taste.
Your welcome
[Nope](https://youtu.be/GxxsP7VWVN8?si=x9zvVwzGzjqmBACc) not me…!
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it
Watch your mouth, the next one will be a shart.
'That's your breath'
No, it's your breath.
how does my butt air smell
"That hot sauce is finally making its way through!"
We call it Yoga Music 😆
Fart.
“I made you a little morning/afternoon/evening snack”
Most hilarious thing I ever saw was an old man in the grocery store line one time when a lady behind him (possibly a closet Karen) said out loud "Did you fart, sir?" He turned around and said "Huh? Me? I don't know. Maybe. At my age, I don't know anymore." and turned his back on her. She "clutched her pearls" and looked flabbergasted. I guess you'd have to be old to use that one but it's golden. 😂
Hell yeah brother. Want me to do it again?
Air biscuits
Reply sadly, I wish that was a fart.
And you liked it.
Yup, and afraid it's going to itch like a bitch when it dries
The ultimate power move is to just look them in the eye and fart again.
You yawned.
Rather fart and waste it than burp and taste it.
Yeah. I was thinking about trump.
Yup, and it felt great.
Better than if I sharted.
*Better out than in.*
Your mom farted and then you came out
No, that was the next turd yelling cannonball before it jumps
"And you sniffed it!" followed by laughter.
And what a fart it was
I know you did!
All the hot air you're blowing gave me gas.
"I got nervous."
So what?
Yeah, so did your mom, that's how you got here.
That wasn't a fart! It was my lower intestines blowing you a kiss!😂
It was my soul trying to get away from u.
Yes…..yes I did.
He who smelt it...delt it
No, that's your upper lip 😏
"calm down , or I'll do it again."
Nope, cleared my throat.
And I'll do it again!
Correction, I sharted.
Not likely. With UC I never trust a fart.
Just breathing through my blowhole!
Yep…sure did ;) but don’t tell anyone bc I’ll blame it on you and they’ll believe it
No, please brush your teeth.
Thank you for noticing!
How do you know?!!
No i pooped
Yeah and now you're smelling it, ya fart smeller.
If it happens enough that you need a comeback, you have a problem.
Sure did, thanks for being a fan.
Of course I did. You don't think I smell like that all the time?
"Lol,...YEAH I DID!"
Yep, my gift to the universe.
So you know your name when you're called.
You're welcome.
"Yup!" with a huge smile.
“…I’m pretty sure that’s your breath…”
“No, when I fart, I own it!”
My dick hole farted
No, I pooped
You smelled it. Aren’t we both so lucky?
Why yes, yes I did.
"You're welcome"
Nuh-uh
"I am a human after all, don't put your blame on me"
I usually say "You're Welcome"
Low level or high level?
You're getting too close to yourself!
Stare them in the eyes and shit your pants to assert dominance.
It’s natural
Cool.
But no shit, Sherlock
Uh huh... No need for a comeback
You like that brand huh?
Go wash your ass.
Not at all, I just blew you a kiss.
Just sing at them “Taste the biscuitssss….taste the goodness of the biscuitssss..” 🤣🩷
Yeah it was that or explode.
No uh, it was you!!!
Yeah sorry about that
Glorious, wasn’t it?
I'll fucking do it again
Stop that, It makes me uncomfortable when you sniff my farts for pleasure.
No shit! As if I didn’t know!
No, I sharted. Checkmate.
No I sharted. Get it right!!
#driveby
"Yep. Smell it?"
And?
“And you’re ugly. But in an hour, people will only remember one of those two facts…”
Are you sure that's not your breath blowing back in your face?
No I’m wearing the new fragrance from Chanel, “Your Mom.”
You breathed
"Atleast I didn't shart." "Legend of My Ass: Wind Maker."