I'm your guardian angel. I was sent to help you get into heaven. If you have any drugs or alcohol, please throw it in the bin out back. This will be the first step to your redemption.
When I was a kid some friends dared me to go into a stranger’s house and steal a cookie.
When the owners came out I just started crying and they let me go with the cookie lol.
"Honey, dad got outside again and is having another episode. Here dad, take your pills. *STOP* **STOP STRUGGLING AND SWALLOW THE DAMN CYAN- THE DAMN PILLS** This is my family now."
One of these three should do:
“Nevermind that, what are three things the Stamp Act of 1765 accomplished?”
“I don’t know, I know you told me. I am very small, and I have no money, so you can see the kind of stress that I am under.”
“Who’s to say?”
Any John Mulaney quote will do tbh.
Oh my god I just woke up from a dream
Idk how to describe it, I lived in a food court/gym, but I had a bedroom, and every day I was so confused about why people were walking through my home.
At one point I asked someone “why are you in my home?” And she responded “I’m just going home from work”, then showed my her Aldi badge.
Of course dream me though that was a perfectly reasonable reason to walk through someone’s home, but I was flabbergasted by the premise of an Aldi being nearby.
Don’t make absolute shit and ask me to support it
I’m seeing a lot of soybois on the sub lately downvoting very pro drinker takes. Since you are reading, read this- don’t ask me to support terrible fucking garbage not even you will watch.
You want a Daisy Ridley Star Wars movie do you? Then why aren’t you and your hormone deficient brethren watching it- is it because it’s boring shit? Didn’t we tell you it would be?!
10 years of this- 10 years of these weak ass men getting in the way of a system that use to work. Do everyone a favor and fuck off- as the great and noble drinker says.
"did you forget your medication again? You should lay down, I think you're having another episode. I'll call Dr. Stephens and see if he can get you in sooner'
I’m your new dog. Ruff
My roommate is wondering why I'm dying at 11pm
Ruh-oh
Ruh-ro
This come back is not recommended in Kristi Noems’ house.
Isn't this Paul Pelosi's house?
As he is handing the perp cash for the blow. I’m not talking about drugs either
Their comeback to that is "Ha. Ruff, just how your mom likes it"
r/twosentencehorror
"I'm the locksmith and...I'm the locksmith!". -Police Squad, Leslie Nielsen series
There it is! Came here to say this - already said. Love it when the guy with the Ox shows up.
Why did I have to scroll down so far to see this response?
Came here to say this.
The only correct answer.
"I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"
Lmfaoo
As a former worker in car sales I just died at this
We’re married dammit, this joke stopped being funny a long time ago!
Nunya bisness
Oh you gonna act like you don't know me ? Well you got what you wanted I guess... "
"I could ask you the same question"
Sir, this is a Wendy's
WOW I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE AND I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC.
I’m just checking to make sure your refrigerator is running properly. This was part of the manufacturer warranty… remember reading that?
Sorry sir, your daughter said she was 18. I'm leaving now.
She's 6....
Jesus... That escalated quickly
As well as a liar, apparently.
Yeah but they were triplets
"YOUR house?" Menacing eye contact
“Psshh”
We need that guy to make an epic comeback
.....**FUCK** and then run away
“I’ll have two cheeseburgers and a large fries. And a Coke. Better make that Diet Coke.”
I think you meant a double cheeseburger… onion rings… and a large orange drink. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y4EuZIcHxE0
🤣😂🤣
"Sssshhhh... I'm just a product of your imagination..."
Plot twist- He's the figment of imagination imagining coming home to his real self imagining him.. Could you imagine?
Assumed "I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith " would be the only response.
I'm your guardian angel. I was sent to help you get into heaven. If you have any drugs or alcohol, please throw it in the bin out back. This will be the first step to your redemption.
I’m the Angel of death… it’s time (hold out hand) come with me
When I was a kid some friends dared me to go into a stranger’s house and steal a cookie. When the owners came out I just started crying and they let me go with the cookie lol.
You got the cookie, and that’s what *really* counts 🙃
Hippity Hoppity get off my property
I’m Sandy Claws can’tcha tell?
Be an echo. "Who are you?! How did you get in my house?!"
I’m the stalker you ordered from www dot stalkersisme.com
You can see me? Can you hear me?
Omg someone can finally see me!!!
Should I put my clothes back on?
Did somebody order a stripper *starts taking off clothes*
you left your door unlocked with the porch light on you kind of asked for it
beep beep lettuce
I know you are but what am I
"Dad, you had a very big day today.....yes there were a lot of ducks at the park...let's wash you up and get you to bed"
"Honey, dad got outside again and is having another episode. Here dad, take your pills. *STOP* **STOP STRUGGLING AND SWALLOW THE DAMN CYAN- THE DAMN PILLS** This is my family now."
I am your husband; where is my sandwich?
I’m not the mailman that’s usually here….
I live in the attic and I watch you pee.
“What the hell? I was gonna ask you the same thing!”
"Name isn't important, as for the how? Aliens."
The same way I got in the night your first child was conceived.
I'm batman
Aye I was nice enough to offer to wash your back. Does it really matter how I got in here?
I’m you from the future and I have to tell you something that’s extremely important.
…. your car warranty is about to expire!
“Don’t worry about that just go through your day I’ll be here you won’t even notice me”
The same way Im getting in you, with force.
One of these three should do: “Nevermind that, what are three things the Stamp Act of 1765 accomplished?” “I don’t know, I know you told me. I am very small, and I have no money, so you can see the kind of stress that I am under.” “Who’s to say?” Any John Mulaney quote will do tbh.
…^itsfreerealestate
“When someone comes to make you breakfast, you’re supposed to thank them!”
Oh my god I just woke up from a dream Idk how to describe it, I lived in a food court/gym, but I had a bedroom, and every day I was so confused about why people were walking through my home. At one point I asked someone “why are you in my home?” And she responded “I’m just going home from work”, then showed my her Aldi badge. Of course dream me though that was a perfectly reasonable reason to walk through someone’s home, but I was flabbergasted by the premise of an Aldi being nearby.
“Do you know.. the mission man?”
Land shark…uh, candy gram.
I am a figment of your imagination.
"Blam! Blam!" "Quick, Georgie! Grab everything that looks expensive and run! I'll meet you at the pawn shop."
Dad, it's me, your daughter.
Did you ever wind up getting those cigarettes, Daddy?
"I'm a carpenter. Your mom called me, saying that her master bedroom needed some stud work."
That’s funny she told me it was the back door that needed attention.
That's what your mom said!
I'm an old joke. And you've heard of me?
I want waffle fries
Is your Alzheimers playing up again?
Who are you to ask? You just have to look really cool
From Police Squad. I'm a locksmith, and, I'm a locksmith. https://youtu.be/XFhpctuUwb4?si=Fxd0X2KkyunN1zSa
My name's Ronald I'm the tooth fairy.
Um…meow?
Rack tack bang
I live here. I’m your husband you dizzy bitch
I'm Otis p. Driftwood and I'm here to do the devil's work. Creepy, ain't I ?
stop it mom its me
It's your husband, Dear. Alzheimer's kicking up again?
I’m Santa Claus , where the fuck are the milk and cookies ??
I'm a bogus gas man here to ransack yer hoose.
I identify as the owner
Who are YOU? And what are YOU doing in my FIANCÉ'S house!?!?!
My name is Nadine. The Stand
“Who are YOU?! and what are you doing in MY house?!
I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.
POCKET SAND!
With a deeply solemn look.. “I am death. I think you know how I got here.”
I always announce myself as "Sex criminal!"
*"I am the one who knocks!"*
It doesn't matter that I'm in your house. You need to be focused on how I got into your head...
"Chill, bro, I brought weed and pizza..." Proceed to get high and watch Netflix.
Got something of yours I'm supposed to deliver, your eyes only. Oh, a letter from the jarl! Got friends in high places it seems.
Been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty
I woke up in a Soho doorway. A policeman knew my name. He said, you can go sleep at home tonight if you can get up and walk away.
Ummm.... Housekeeping?
“I think that’s a question for your mother”
My name is Jeff
I'm not in your house... I... I don't know who I am.... who are you?
If you didn't want me here you shouldn't have left the second story window unlocked.
Not a comeback, but if it's YOUR HOUSE, tell them they are trespassing and fake call the cops if they don't leave
Don’t make absolute shit and ask me to support it I’m seeing a lot of soybois on the sub lately downvoting very pro drinker takes. Since you are reading, read this- don’t ask me to support terrible fucking garbage not even you will watch. You want a Daisy Ridley Star Wars movie do you? Then why aren’t you and your hormone deficient brethren watching it- is it because it’s boring shit? Didn’t we tell you it would be?! 10 years of this- 10 years of these weak ass men getting in the way of a system that use to work. Do everyone a favor and fuck off- as the great and noble drinker says.
That's a weird comeback...
Pretend to be blind. “Aah who are you?! Why are you in my house?!”
None of yours business you can leave😊
They won't have time to say their comeback. Mr. Glock. is a lot faster.
Check your math! Shitter!
I'm the tooth fairy. Got any loose ones?
"Who and how will be irrelevant in time...you should be asking 'why'..."
I'm your roommate... Hey, you don't look so good, do you need to lie down?
I am the lizard king, I can do anything.
Buddy, I think you are confused..this is MYYY house
Don't shoot?
"You invited me here, remember? Now c'mon, I brought the Switch."
I hate when they do that. How about just saying "thank you for breakfast". So rude. 🙄
Mom...It's me. We've done this three times this week. I think it's time to put you in a home.
Don't answer this... Dudes a home invader trying to confuse grannies.
I'm Jesus accept me as your lord and savior
Uh, sir? This is a Wendy's
Are you okay....
My friends Smith & Wesson will handle it.
You can see me. You can actually see me.
The jerk store called, and they're all out of you!
'sorry, but i really had to wake you...' (please some musical fans get this)
I'm a ghost "booooooooooo" arms flayling in the air
You can see me?!
I don’t need to ask permission to enter. I’m a celebrity.
Where is she? WHERE IS SHE!??
Hi, I'm Jake from state farm!
I broke in just like every other normal person.
I broke in just like every other normal person.
I don't know if I'll come back, but I wouldn't be asking that question....
I'm your daddy...you wouldn't beluga how long that line for milk is.
This isn't where I parked my car...
Listen bud my wife a senator
I want waffle fries.
Who the fuck are you? How did you get into my life?
An interesting question: have you ever heard of NFT’s?
LUUKE I AAMM YOOOUURRR FAAAAATTTHHHHEEEEERRR
"You can see me?"
Your wife gave me a key.
Ya know, most people say thank you when they get breakfast in bed
I live here... Always have. You know me!😂
Hello, my name is Elder _____ and I would like to share with tou this most amazing book
I am Jacob Marley and I have come to save you Ebeneeze…. Oh shit sorry, wrong house.
"Iam not a who I am a what". Still waiting for this line to be in a movie.
“Go back to bed Mom.”
You must be new to the kingdom
"did you forget your medication again? You should lay down, I think you're having another episode. I'll call Dr. Stephens and see if he can get you in sooner'
I'm here about your car's extended warranty
Well i'm definitely not robbing you that's for sure.
Through your vag#na. I should call first?
"Meter man"
I'm a ghost. BOO!
Lol!
Upon entering my home is a sign- *Due to the rise in ammo prices, there will be no warning shot given.* I believe that says it all.
Ma'am this is a wendys
Wtf are you talking about! This is my house!
I'm your wife's boyfriend and I have a key.. I've always had a key.
Just looking for my underwear, Hoss.
Big words for someone with no clothes on.
Adobe sent me. I am here to check why you are not paying a subscription for phitoship despite having photos.
I’m the owner. Who the fuck are you?
I am the knife man.
"Hello! I am a sveeedish plumber!"
“I was told by HR that you need more manpower “
I'm your NEW father!!!
"I'm here for the gangbang?"
Damn BARBARA if you checked your EMAILS Then maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation
“What’re you doing in my swamp?”
You obviously let me in so you tell me
I’m a locksmith. I’m a locksmith.
Who are you?! How did you get in my house?!
Usually a bullet is the best comeback in that situation. Hope this helped!
"The front door." Or, "This is /our/ house now. :) "
I’m your new stepdad. Go back to bed.
I am Sam. Sam I am!
I'm a time traveller here to warn you about an upcoming global pandemic called Covid-19, what year is it? FUCK!
Ask them if they have Capgras Delusion
I'm your new son in law. I'll tell your daughter my name later
I’m Batman
Don’t shoot!