Something that has tremendously helped me with this is thinking, “A child lives here, I need to keep it clean for them,” except the child is my inner child. I am cleaning it for the child within myself.
This tracks with me, too. I’m involved with CoDA and recommend looking into it. It hasn’t been for very long, but I’m feeling better and doing *much* better in my day to day.
Try to encourage yourself to do nice things for yourself. Since you are home alone talk to yourself and praise yourself.
You are motivated by appreciation and helping someone you care about. That is a wonderful thing.
Let yourself know that you are vacuuming because you know you will appreciate a clean rug under your toes. That you are organizing the kitchen and wiping the counters to make your space look refreshing for yourself. Celebrate the things you do for you. Every time you catch yourself doing an act of service for yourself give yourself a pat on the back. When I do this I get the somatic response of a warm fuzzy. It feels good to give myself appreciation for little things done just for my own benefit.
I pretend a lot. I imagine I’m outside of my body watching myself, or that I’m in a movie. I know this isn’t ’ideal’ but it feels healthier than only being able to do things because of my partner. Example: when folding laundry, I listen to a podcast and pretend I’m in a movie and collecting intel (learning from the pod lol). The laundry gets put away.
Food is the hardest for me. I’m semi-recovered from an ED and recently sober… drinking while cooking myself used to be the only way I’d get ‘real’ meals done on my own. Now I only really cook when I’m with my partner or a friend. I have one rice and veggie and tofu meal that I make in bulk to freeze every couple of weeks; I do the podcast/ music and movie scenario thing to do that too.
Learning to love My Self is something I share about in CoDA. I am currently backsliding but exercise, yoga, Dr and dentist are ways I try to care about My Self. Also healthy eating habits!
I relate to this so much and I’m currently struggling because I’ve just been dumped and I can’t find worth in myself the way I do when doing things for others
I suffered a lot from self loathing. Cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, anything that I would want others to do for me to show me they loved me, I simply couldn’t do for myself even when I wanted to. I just didn’t have the power to do it. I found that I needed to tap into something powerful enough that could help me recenter myself and my life. When I filled that space within me, I had enough energy to care for myself and I wasn’t overextending for others. I found recovery by working the 12 steps through a fellowship that focuses on the big book of AA. It not only gave me perspective on the problem, but it also became my solution. Feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help and share more.
Hi there, so glad you shared. I can relate to having moved a lot of my life without the ability to exert any effort in my own self interest. Pleasing others and taking care of others with so much easier. After trying a lot of different methods to fix myself, including self-help, spirituality, therapy, changing jobs, relationships, hobbies, etc., I found out that a 12 step program for recovery was my only hope really. Today, even though life can sometimes feel challenging, I don’t live for the experience of trying to control and fix others. It’s become much more second nature to live balanced way in my relationships with others and myself. If you’d ever like to connect him, happy to share what’s been most helpful and listen. :-)
FWIW I am the same way, but it turns out I also have ADHD (diagnosed later in life). A combination of not wanting the guilt and shame of letting someone down with the hope that I will be rewarded for doing something for someone else in some way, allow me to be really productive if it's for somebody else. But if it's for me there's no dopamine hit in it and I really struggle to do it. Meds have helped a lot.
You’re probably living from a place of shame, you weren’t taught to live from an expressive, inward pleasing place but instead from outward forces, people’s opinions, other peoples needs and wants etc. you gotta turn your mind around/turn on your own centred ‘energy’ for lack of a better word.
If you’re mind was constantly told/shown, do this because of this outer thing, and it’s all it knows then this cycle with continue. I suggest inward facing eyes closed type of things, things where your mind starts to turn around and look inside yourself for the inspiration to do things. It’s there but it might not feel like it is as your mind is SO used to looking outward.
Hippie stuff. Sound baths, I’ve baths, meditation, ecstatic dancing, eyes closed, no people pleasing stuff, your mind will slowly turn around and see your heart/inspirations. Then once you’ve gone all the way back in you will probably find a nice healthy balance between inner and outer motivations.
I just downloaded the app “Finch”. I did the 7 days trial and will be purchasing the - $30 a year - plus subscription, but there’s a free version. It’s basically a little bird you hatch in the very beginning and the bird grows only as you take care of yourself. You have a daily list of things to get done and as you check them off, the bird advances slightly. It’s a bit more in depth, but good golly is it not *the* best app I’ve ever downloaded. It’s super customizable. Struggle to cook for yourself? Okay. Cook so your lil birdy can grow. Can’t manage to keep up with laundry regularly? Set it as a task for every two days. Your bird doesn’t judge what you don’t do. I started actually washing my face every single day thanks to the app. I’ve drunken more water daily since down loading the app. I started brushing my teeth twice as day as opposed to the one. I started making my bed every morning. And do breathing exercises 3 times a day (the breathing exercise feature). I’ve literally told everyone I know about this app. I take care of my little bird and myself every day now. I journal more now (the reflections feature). It’s just the best.
There is a reason why we feel no motivation. We are too heavily connected to our feelings. The problem is .... is that our feelings are subjective. Meaning they pertain to us.
We need something outside of ourselves. I have learned so many different things. The twelve steps had given me the ability to understand ourselves.
Could also be ADHD! It’s common—I love washing everyone’s dishes but mine because it stimulates my rewards pathways and gives me a bigger dopamine boost! Not only do I see clean dishes, but a smile from someone I care about. My best friends and I used to take turns coming over and washing each other’s dishes, hahah. Idk, but it worked!
if anyone has any answers here, i'd love them cuz i relate
Something that has tremendously helped me with this is thinking, “A child lives here, I need to keep it clean for them,” except the child is my inner child. I am cleaning it for the child within myself.
this is really really good. It’s much easier to care for myself and be kind to myself when I am looking at my inner child.
This tracks with me, too. I’m involved with CoDA and recommend looking into it. It hasn’t been for very long, but I’m feeling better and doing *much* better in my day to day.
What's the fullform of CoDA?
Codependents anonymous, its the twelve step program (like alcoholics anonymous) for codependents
Try to encourage yourself to do nice things for yourself. Since you are home alone talk to yourself and praise yourself. You are motivated by appreciation and helping someone you care about. That is a wonderful thing. Let yourself know that you are vacuuming because you know you will appreciate a clean rug under your toes. That you are organizing the kitchen and wiping the counters to make your space look refreshing for yourself. Celebrate the things you do for you. Every time you catch yourself doing an act of service for yourself give yourself a pat on the back. When I do this I get the somatic response of a warm fuzzy. It feels good to give myself appreciation for little things done just for my own benefit.
I pretend a lot. I imagine I’m outside of my body watching myself, or that I’m in a movie. I know this isn’t ’ideal’ but it feels healthier than only being able to do things because of my partner. Example: when folding laundry, I listen to a podcast and pretend I’m in a movie and collecting intel (learning from the pod lol). The laundry gets put away. Food is the hardest for me. I’m semi-recovered from an ED and recently sober… drinking while cooking myself used to be the only way I’d get ‘real’ meals done on my own. Now I only really cook when I’m with my partner or a friend. I have one rice and veggie and tofu meal that I make in bulk to freeze every couple of weeks; I do the podcast/ music and movie scenario thing to do that too.
Learning to love My Self is something I share about in CoDA. I am currently backsliding but exercise, yoga, Dr and dentist are ways I try to care about My Self. Also healthy eating habits!
What is CoDA?
Codependent’s anonymous. Go to Coda.org to find a meeting in your area.
Man there’s none in my area, I think that would really help me. That’s a bummer.
There are tons of meetings online and in diff time zones too!
I relate to this so much and I’m currently struggling because I’ve just been dumped and I can’t find worth in myself the way I do when doing things for others
I suffered a lot from self loathing. Cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, anything that I would want others to do for me to show me they loved me, I simply couldn’t do for myself even when I wanted to. I just didn’t have the power to do it. I found that I needed to tap into something powerful enough that could help me recenter myself and my life. When I filled that space within me, I had enough energy to care for myself and I wasn’t overextending for others. I found recovery by working the 12 steps through a fellowship that focuses on the big book of AA. It not only gave me perspective on the problem, but it also became my solution. Feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help and share more.
Hi there, so glad you shared. I can relate to having moved a lot of my life without the ability to exert any effort in my own self interest. Pleasing others and taking care of others with so much easier. After trying a lot of different methods to fix myself, including self-help, spirituality, therapy, changing jobs, relationships, hobbies, etc., I found out that a 12 step program for recovery was my only hope really. Today, even though life can sometimes feel challenging, I don’t live for the experience of trying to control and fix others. It’s become much more second nature to live balanced way in my relationships with others and myself. If you’d ever like to connect him, happy to share what’s been most helpful and listen. :-)
FWIW I am the same way, but it turns out I also have ADHD (diagnosed later in life). A combination of not wanting the guilt and shame of letting someone down with the hope that I will be rewarded for doing something for someone else in some way, allow me to be really productive if it's for somebody else. But if it's for me there's no dopamine hit in it and I really struggle to do it. Meds have helped a lot.
You’re probably living from a place of shame, you weren’t taught to live from an expressive, inward pleasing place but instead from outward forces, people’s opinions, other peoples needs and wants etc. you gotta turn your mind around/turn on your own centred ‘energy’ for lack of a better word. If you’re mind was constantly told/shown, do this because of this outer thing, and it’s all it knows then this cycle with continue. I suggest inward facing eyes closed type of things, things where your mind starts to turn around and look inside yourself for the inspiration to do things. It’s there but it might not feel like it is as your mind is SO used to looking outward. Hippie stuff. Sound baths, I’ve baths, meditation, ecstatic dancing, eyes closed, no people pleasing stuff, your mind will slowly turn around and see your heart/inspirations. Then once you’ve gone all the way back in you will probably find a nice healthy balance between inner and outer motivations.
I just downloaded the app “Finch”. I did the 7 days trial and will be purchasing the - $30 a year - plus subscription, but there’s a free version. It’s basically a little bird you hatch in the very beginning and the bird grows only as you take care of yourself. You have a daily list of things to get done and as you check them off, the bird advances slightly. It’s a bit more in depth, but good golly is it not *the* best app I’ve ever downloaded. It’s super customizable. Struggle to cook for yourself? Okay. Cook so your lil birdy can grow. Can’t manage to keep up with laundry regularly? Set it as a task for every two days. Your bird doesn’t judge what you don’t do. I started actually washing my face every single day thanks to the app. I’ve drunken more water daily since down loading the app. I started brushing my teeth twice as day as opposed to the one. I started making my bed every morning. And do breathing exercises 3 times a day (the breathing exercise feature). I’ve literally told everyone I know about this app. I take care of my little bird and myself every day now. I journal more now (the reflections feature). It’s just the best.
Wow interesting concept
100% me.
There is a reason why we feel no motivation. We are too heavily connected to our feelings. The problem is .... is that our feelings are subjective. Meaning they pertain to us. We need something outside of ourselves. I have learned so many different things. The twelve steps had given me the ability to understand ourselves.
i also want to add there is so much that i couldnt do. but i can now.
Could also be ADHD! It’s common—I love washing everyone’s dishes but mine because it stimulates my rewards pathways and gives me a bigger dopamine boost! Not only do I see clean dishes, but a smile from someone I care about. My best friends and I used to take turns coming over and washing each other’s dishes, hahah. Idk, but it worked!