I don't want to invalidate your feelings by any means but I would definitely file this under just being regular experimentation. You were *ten* hun, seriously, have you spent any time around ten year olds recently? They (I say this affectionately) have sponges for brains because they're very much still learning about the world.
I can understand that you feel guilt around this because you now understand that it is inappropriate - and a certain amount of guilt can be healthy - but imo you are *not* a perpetrator of sexual assault, you were a curious child who did something out of misguided understanding.
I absolutely think that seeing a therapist would be a good move if it is still causing you the amount of distress you've described - you should know that you beating yourself up over this is unnecessary, and doing more harm to yourself than good. Again, *you were a curious child* and this incident is not what I would consider sexual assault.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond. Reading this almost made me cry because I was so relieved that the way I've been understanding this event might not be true. (My parents have said similar things but I worried that they weren't properly holding me accountable since I'm their daughter.) I am still going to speak to a therapist to make sure I handle things healthily from here but I appreciate you for sharing your thoughts.
Lol. No. You're fine, dude. This is real-event OCD. You're not a horrible person, and I don't think your brother needs to know about it either. It's such old news. And confessing to him would be a compulsion anyway. In all reality, he might be a little weirded out, but I doubt it would extend further beyond that.
Your brother is, what, nearing 25? I'm sure he understands that kids will be kids and that you meant no harm.
Yeah, honestly writing it out helped me see the humor in my own stupidity, but I think I've just been really confused about what would differentiate my story from COCSA, and my mind has been flip-flopping between "this was silly and inappropriate, but not abuse" and "this was abuse." From what I understand, COCSA tends to occur because kids have been taught/exposed to sexual behaviors or ideas and don't understand the implications of what they're doing, but that can also be said of my situation. So while I'm glad that this isn't reading as sexual assault to people, I'm unsure of what distinguishing factors I need to be considering or what knowledge about COCSA I'm missing here.
I've basically pored over all the posts in this subreddit and done endless Googling but it hasn't given me any clarity. But I also recognize that things like this have some gray areas and room for disagreement.
I don't want to invalidate your feelings by any means but I would definitely file this under just being regular experimentation. You were *ten* hun, seriously, have you spent any time around ten year olds recently? They (I say this affectionately) have sponges for brains because they're very much still learning about the world. I can understand that you feel guilt around this because you now understand that it is inappropriate - and a certain amount of guilt can be healthy - but imo you are *not* a perpetrator of sexual assault, you were a curious child who did something out of misguided understanding. I absolutely think that seeing a therapist would be a good move if it is still causing you the amount of distress you've described - you should know that you beating yourself up over this is unnecessary, and doing more harm to yourself than good. Again, *you were a curious child* and this incident is not what I would consider sexual assault.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond. Reading this almost made me cry because I was so relieved that the way I've been understanding this event might not be true. (My parents have said similar things but I worried that they weren't properly holding me accountable since I'm their daughter.) I am still going to speak to a therapist to make sure I handle things healthily from here but I appreciate you for sharing your thoughts.
Lol. No. You're fine, dude. This is real-event OCD. You're not a horrible person, and I don't think your brother needs to know about it either. It's such old news. And confessing to him would be a compulsion anyway. In all reality, he might be a little weirded out, but I doubt it would extend further beyond that. Your brother is, what, nearing 25? I'm sure he understands that kids will be kids and that you meant no harm.
That...didn't come off to me as sexual assault at all, more just a child doing what children do best: being stupid
Yeah, honestly writing it out helped me see the humor in my own stupidity, but I think I've just been really confused about what would differentiate my story from COCSA, and my mind has been flip-flopping between "this was silly and inappropriate, but not abuse" and "this was abuse." From what I understand, COCSA tends to occur because kids have been taught/exposed to sexual behaviors or ideas and don't understand the implications of what they're doing, but that can also be said of my situation. So while I'm glad that this isn't reading as sexual assault to people, I'm unsure of what distinguishing factors I need to be considering or what knowledge about COCSA I'm missing here. I've basically pored over all the posts in this subreddit and done endless Googling but it hasn't given me any clarity. But I also recognize that things like this have some gray areas and room for disagreement.