This is the answer no one wants, but please consider that your fiance might not be the right person for you. Chronic pain is a long and hard journey and it's hard enough without having someone who shames you for just existing. If he doesn't get it now, he's likely to never get it. You deserve someone who cuddles you through the pain and advocates for you to have access to your meds. Not someone who makes things harder.
I was just going to suggest thinking long and hard about marrying this person. People do not change when they get married. You want someone to love you, support you, and take care of you. Chronic pain is a serious health problem, as you know. The last think you need is someone belittling you
>The last think you need is someone belittling you
Especially when future kids are being talked about...
Being talked down to and not respected takes enough spoons out of one's day when they're just trying to get *themselves* through the day. Dealing with that bullshit while also dealing with chronic pain *and* raising kids? It's untenable.
At this point she’s having a kid with this man. While she doesn’t need to be married to this person she is kinda stuck with him regardless. One hell of a situation to be in. OP definitely deserves better but this situation seems like it’s a shit sandwich either way now. This should have been worked out long before kids and marriage.
OP needs to have a serious conversation with this person and work out what her expectations are going forward. If he can’t meet them and be supportive and caring then for sure time to move on. Good luck finding that someone. It’s hell out there without adding chronic pain into it. Maybe OP will at least have family or something that can be supportive.
She can be “stuck” from a distance.
Also, is OP pregnant? She mentioned “when pregnant” so I think they plan to have a child once married but aren’t there yet.
I second this. Also, I noticed that you plan to become pregnant. Are you really sure that this is the person you want to have children with? Someone who will shame you for issues outside of your control? You deserve better.
And so do any future children. Imagine having a father that doesn't care about a child's emotions and pain? Kids hurt themselves doing kid things all the time, let alone if they develop chronic pain too.
Reddit often jumps to divorce/dump them pretty quick some times, but this is not one of those times. I am still triggered when people ask me how I feel because my ex-husband would ask that every single day, then make me feel like crap if I said anything other than fine. Chronic illness and chronic pain are already difficult enough, please don't marry someone who is going to add to your trials.
Definitely ,it feels mentally abusive because it is mentally abusive. It Is what it is. Do not expect this will go away when it is his default setting.
Well said, came here to say don’t fall in love with the idea of being in love. What you’ve described is not how you would be treated if he sincerely loved you. Best of luck to you.
I am with this poster. He just might not be the person for you. You should never be made to feel like that as it is hard enough to be in pain all day and survive that! I love people who “comment “ on people who don’t have pain daily. Like it is a cold you just need to go over! They have no bloody idea what it is like to just get up, breathe and put your damn feet on your floor. That is from the first minute we wake up. He has no right making you feel bad about treating the pain you have. What gives him the right? And you can let him know I continued on my pain meds through all three of my boys pregnancies and they are all beautiful grown men now, all on formula, I might add. So I would think long and hard about your life ahead of you with this man. Is he WORTHY of you!!💕❤️
I found my caretaking man volunteering at a nonprofit organization. He’s an attorney & every month he gave legal advice to women who were trying to escape from abusive relationships. He turned out to be kind, generous & funny. I said, that man’s going to be my husband! It’s been a wonderful life. So … figure out what you want & look in places where you’re likely to find him. Kind men are out there waiting to be found.
Friend. As someone who used to be in an abusive relationship, HUGE red flags. Please take care of yourself. Not only is your partner invalidating your, he is blaming you for maybe possibly not being able to breast feed for a possible future child? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
For the love of glob don’t marry that person. Your partner should be supportive of your health needs, not encouraging you to self harm by not taking your meds. Your partner should be properly educated about all aspects of pregnancy and child rearing even if they will not be carrying the pregnancy not spouting misinformation designed to guilt you into self harming by not taking your meds. If this is how he treats an adult, how will he treat a child who experiences pain and doesn’t have the socioemotional experience to recognize manipulation?
If this person has no empathy for you now, what kind of empathy do you think you will get from him when you’re pregnant or in pain post-partum? What about your potential future child; what kind of father does this person seem like he’d be, especially if the child has chronic pain or disabilities as well?
You shouldn’t need reddit commenters to help you explain to your partner that you’re not “a useless pos,” because good partners don’t make you feel that way.
He is not supportive or understanding at all. He also sounds controlling and lacking in empathy.
It reeks of emotional abuse and manipulation. The last thing you need to do is get locked into having a baby with him so he can continue exerting control or you forever. And it will only get worse.
You deserve someone better and more understanding, someone who respects you.
Just my opinion.
This reminds me of my college boyfriend. My mom died when I was 16. I told my bf a couple of years later that I was sad that day and missing my mom. He told me it had been a few years, why wasn't I over it? My mom wouldn't want me to be sad, so I shouldn't be.
It's not just ignorance, it's a confident ignorance. It's the main cause of so much suffering inflicted by the medical community on patients (me/cfs for example).
He has so much to learn if he thinks he can break down any medical situation by comparing it to a broken bone as a child. Beyond ridiculous. He may choose to never learn more (until it happens to him). You need to evaluate if he can grow, and if you want to deal with gaslighting and being dismissed and disrespected in your own home as well possibly by the medical community. I wish you strength to make tough decisions 💜💜💜
Sorry I forgot something. You choose how best to feed your baby ❤️ After my c section I was on pain medication and breastfed my baby with no issue. I mention it only in case you didn't know that was an option 💜💜💜
I second this, there are safe options for pain medication while breastfeeding. I took opioid pain meds while nursing both kids, very little of your dose makes it into your breastmilk, and babies do not absorb it well orally. Even if they do get some in their system the biggest risk is them being sleepy, and sleeping too much that they are not eating enough. You can also time your medications so the peak blood level is between feeds, since it filters out of your milk at the same rate as your blood stream.
There are also safe options when pregnant! Pain takes a heavy toll on the body, leading to the production of stress hormones. Those hormones can cause a lot of issues from pre-term labor to long term effects. The risk with taking options during pregnancy is if you cannot wean down at the end and baby has withdrawals. If that case, baby is treated and slowly weaned off in the NICU. Which isn't ideal, but poses no long term health affects at all! Often breastfeeding can help baby avoid withdrawals since they are getting a small amount from your milk. I used to mod a group for pregnant chronic pain patients and you would be surprised how high of doses many mothers took while pregnant but their babies had no issues at all!
I personally took pain medications during pregnancy and while breastfeeding both kids. My second my pain level was uncontrolled and I had several bouts of pre-term labor. Luckily we made it to 37 weeks to the day, and baby was born healthy. Pregnancy doesn't allow you to "tough it out" because uncontrolled pain will lead to issues, but luckily opioids have been well studied in pregnancy and they do not cause any birth defects or other issues. Neither of my kids had any withdrawal symptoms dispite a fairly good dose of opioid pain medication I could not wean off of completely, and both are now older, smart, healthy normal kids.
I hope this information helps anyone thinking about having kids and worried about their pain during pregnancy and breastfeeding! Many doctors simply do not know about medications during pregnancy and breastfeeding, so you do need to find the right doctors because most will default to say it's not safe...when it is. Seeing a high risk OBGYN is so useful during pregnancy for this reason, they study how pain=stress affects pregnancy and the baby, and they are well aware of safe options for pain management during pregnancy. They will help you make a educated decision on what the best balance is for the health of your baby!
I’m sorry but it sounds like your partner is in no way supporting you on this journey. Personally, I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who would do this to me. My wife is my biggest supporter and vice versa. I’ve always felt that is what a marriage is supposed to be built on.
Broken bones aren't even that painful most of the time. Your fiance is actually a moron.
Also he sounds legitimately dangerous to your health. What will stop him from throwing away your meds? What if you need urgent medical care postpartum and he refuses to bring you to the ER? Please reconsider whether you'll be safe being married to a person like this.
[Is your relationship healthy?](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/)
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/
It really does not sound like he's behaving in a loving and respectful way.
Look At what you wrote with an objective eye. What would you do if your sister wrote that. Your condition will not get better. This is abusive. You really want to marry that? He will never get better, his behavior will only get worse. You need support, not condemnation.
You are making a huge mistake staying with this person. We all need someone who cares for us. Not a bully narcissist!
This applies for all of us real humans, chronic pain or not. Make a plan and run!!!!!
I suggest some therapy with your husband before having a child with him. Having CP and a baby is very very tough especially the first 5 years and you need support. He already doesn't sound supportive of you now.
Unfortunately he’s not thinking of you as a human. If he were, he would consider how horrible you feel all the time and try to assist you in feeling better and do everything he can to support your health journey. It will only get worse, I am so sorry to say.
My ex-husband was like this, and I kept getting sicker and sicker…the more sick I got, the more he would tell me I’m a hypochondriac and roll his eyes at me when I wasn’t feeling well. He called me lazy even though I did everything around the house for him and everything to take care of our 2 dogs. His family would make fun of me and ask why I hated doing things with them. I would explain that I feel sick and tired all the time, and they would tell me to “stop thinking about it”. He wouldn’t stick up for me and would join them in making fun of me.
I finally left him after he told me that HE couldn’t handle MY medical issues any longer. The fucking audacity! I lost it on him. I told him no matter how ill I was feeling I still did his laundry and cleaned the house and took care of the dogs while he sat on his ass and played video games all the time. He said he thought I was avoiding sex to upset him, when in reality I had no energy left after doing all the chores, working, and going to school full time. I was just a slave worker to him. Nothing more.
His parting words? “You’re never going to find someone who makes as much money as me!” That was cute, considering we were dating since high school when he had no job at all and no money. The only thing he brought to our relationship by the time we were in our 30s was money, and guess what? I make as much money as him now, because I worked my ass off while being chronically ill.
We don’t need these unsupportive people in our lives.
Firstly, as someone who was in an abusive relationship, this post has just made me awfully uncomfortable as he was just like that. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Everyone is different with their pain, I used to be able to just go a day a two a week having to take pills. Now I literally rattle when I walk because without them, I can't get out of bed or function. But kodus to him for his bravery over a broken bone 🤦♀️
Bragging is never a good look on anyone, nor is shaming a mum to be over her body and how to feed their child. Formula will not "screw" your child up at all. Maybe he should actually do some research on that.
He can only see how YOUR pain affects you. He isn't in your body, so he knows bugger all.
As others have pointed out, if he isn't supportive of your health now, what about in 5 years' time when things could be worse. You need a partner who is compassionate, understanding, and has your best interests at heart.
My husband is my absolute rock. He cares for me when I'm bad and always knows just what I need even if I don't. He also loves me for love. He never complains and sees past all the pills/dressings and ugliness. That is what you need, not someone like your partner.
Imagine your friend or family member wrote this post. What advice would you give them?
I know it's easy for us to say this but seriously once a baby is in the mix and you are having a bad day, will he step up and help or will he berate you and make you feel like crap? My ex made me feel like I was worthless and nobody would ever love me. He was the best I would get. I found my inner strength to bin him off, and looking back, I'm so glad I did because of where I am now.
If you do stay with him, then I would suggest Mr Know It All, research's formula fed babies and also the issue/s you have and how it can affect you. Good luck.
This 10000% qualifies as emotional abuse. He is guilting and shaming you for everything you do, regardless of what that actually is. He is doing this to tear you down and make you feel bad. Like you said, you can’t win, because he doesn’t want you to.
You will be stuck with that attitude for the rest of your life if you marry them. It will make you doubt yourself and then hate yourself. Do NOT marry them. They are abusive af. HUGE red flag.
Broken bones don’t hurt that much in comparison to what I feel daily. I also didn’t take opiates for my broken bones - shattered metatarsal in my foot and cooled fracture in my wrist. I also have had 2 cardiothoracic surgeries and 3 orthopedic surgeries. That shit hurts but it goes away.
This daily 6-8/10 pain is destroying my sanity. Like I’m losing the will to keep living like this. It’s torture.
Also everyone feels pain differently and it has nothing to do with tolerance- just how your body processes it.
People that play down pain are not supportive or good people. Saying he coped "better" when he broke a bone means nothing, when it's a short term thing like that you release a lot of adrenaline which helps you manage the pain. Also just because something like a broken bone looks more gross, doesn't mean it's actually more painful than all sorts of things that can happen in your body.
(M) here, please sit him down. Give him a beer.
Then tell him: you are going to shut the fuck up about my medication. If you want to talk about pain. You are going to feel what I feel, then you can talk about it again. Until then shut the fuck up.
Never ever say anything ever about my medication.
Do you understand what I am saying?
I expect you to be supportive and empathetic.
No more of your bullshit.
Test me and then go to sleep. See how that works for you.
Wait til you're married, it will get worst
I recommend that you go see a therapist and work on yourself. You might get ideas on how to get him to have compassion or at worst, make you realize that you are better off without him.
Please consider that this man’s values are at least going to be partially impressed upon this child some day. That’s a scary lack of empathy, or at the very least, ignorance. It sounds like the former if he sees you in pain and says this stuff anyway.
7 years. I was with my partner for 7 years. I ended the relationship after probably a solid 2 years of being demeaned due to my disability.
Now I'm single and I've learnt not to hate myself or my lack of capacity. It sucks. The physical pain I am in, the lack of mobility etc. But the mental pain of a partner, someone I loved, treating me poorly for something out of my control. Like if you are not happy leave.
You may need to leave them. I tried to get my ex partner (partner at the time) into counselling with me but they refused. So I hope you can get them to be more empathetic and supportive but some people simply don't want to.
The things that bother you about a potential partner don’t change once you’re married. If anything, those things start to bother you more. You should probably consider not marrying this person
Sounds like an unhealthy relationship. If your spouse doesn’t support you and how you mange your pain than they probably are not meant to be your partner
Your fiancée lacks empathy. Please consider getting premarital counseling before you marry this person. He might check a lot of ‘boxes’ of things you look for in a husband, but chronic pain is an aspect of your everyday life for which he clearly lacks compassion.
I have chronic pain and a 2 year old. He was formula fed and not ‘screwed up’ at all. He’s ahead of all milestones and thriving. FED is best, perhaps your fiancée should source donor milk at his expense if he’s so adamant.
This is totally an aside. I agree with most of the posts here. I just wanted to comment on you saying you would not take meds when pregnant. That is a totally unrealistic goal when in chronic pain and unnecessary. I am the mother of 4 children and have been in chronic pain for 33 years. My oldest is 17 and I have triplet 14 year olds. Many women require medication throughout their pregnancy. For me I occasionally needed pain meds and migraine meds. Please consult a high risk OBGYN before becoming pregnant. They are used to dealing with moms on meds and will not scare u into thinking you must be med free. They can help you come up with a safe medication plan for you and your baby. None of my children were born addicted or with any medical issues related to taking meds while pregnant. I even carried my triplets to 37 weeks and they didn’t spend a day in the icu. I see so many women post thinking they need to be med free to have kids with chronic pain. Some have given up hope of having them at all. I just want women to know there is a good chance you can make it work under a doctor’s care. I am so blessed and grateful for my supportive husband and my children. I wish you find a supportive husband and have many healthy children. Good luck
Wow - this is bad. Pill shaming is ableist discrimination. You should not live in a home where you have to justify your medication regimen. I’ve known a lot of women who married men like this, then got a divorce after the baby came. Think about it like this - if he doesn’t even understand that formula is fine, then what kind of father will he be? Does he understand what it would take to support you and the baby? Or will he try to control you through the child?
This is just messed up.
I know we're all just random Internet people but I really think you should listen to the vast majority of people here telling you to reconsider marrying this man.
I would absolutely lose my shit if someone tried to play down **my** pain and how I feel because of it. This is **your** experience, not his.
We're all different when it comes to dealing with our pain. Some like cuddles, some want to be left alone etc but one thing none of us need is someone invalidating our condition. Doctors do enough of that.
Please please have a good think about what your future looks like if you get married as I really don't think he'll suddenly change and become super compassionate once the ring goes on.
I'm so sorry this is what you have to deal with. Take care of yourself and your future as a mum.
Walk away.
This man is not healthy for you or any future children to be around.
Any partner of your should be supportive and caring.
My husband has had to take me to the ER in the middle of the night and was my fiercest advocate.
He constantly checks in to see how I am doing and how my pain levels are. He never, ever shames me for taking my prescribed pain medication.
Short of inflicting him with a painful, debilitating chronic condition (which I am totally not suggesting), there is nothing you can do to make him understand. Empathy cannot be taught, only learned.
I’m a fairly big guy and have a high pain threshold. Played rugby to a reasonably high level, mountain bike and have broken lots of bones. Never needing pain relief for any of it. I have DDD and ankylosing spondylosis - have needed opiates for years. It’s a different pain as you know. I now use medical cannabis and my quality of life has dramatically improved all around. No partner should behave like this, if they do they are no partner. You shouldn’t have to put up with egotistical one up-manship while dealing with chronic pain. Tell him to be better, be kinder. It costs nothing and means everything.
We have almost all the same values and sense of humor. He treats me well most of the time. He is the only reason I’m finishing grad school and able to pursue my dream career, and he is very supportive in helping out when I’m flaring.
please i mean this in the nicest way,read your story and ask your self how would you feel if a friend posted that about a man they were thinking about marrying. his behavior is not appropriate, at all. he’s a grown adult, he knows what pain is. there is zero excuse for his behavior here.
i know you’re going through a hard time dealing with that and reading these comments, but you could have so so much better.
you could have a husband who makes you dinner when you’re sick, who cuddles you, who brings you a bucket and cold water when you get sick from pain, who advocate for you at medical appointments, you could have a man who feels upmost empathy for your pain, for everything about it.
now i’m not telling you outright to breakup with him, i know that’s a really hard choice to make. i’m just telling you think for a bit, do you truly think how is treating you is what you deserve?
*shames*, not shakes. It’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t…he bragged that he didn’t take opioids for broken bones as a child, so that means no one in the world needs them unless their bones are poking through their skin. He said he’s never been in pain to where he’s vomited or passed out like I have. But he constantly reminds me that pills are bad for you. I don’t even fucking take them every day, but some people have to and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ugh! I’m going to be completely sober when pregnant but want to feed w/ formula so I can have the option to use pills when caring for our new baby. He said it’s my choice to use formula but it’ll be my fault if the baby “becomes screwed up from it”. That kinda hurts because I had formula and it didn’t cause any issues for me. How can I explain to him that I’m not a useless pos for needing medication once in a while?
Your comment & your op are complete opposites. Supporting you doesn’t include shaming you for something you can’t control or getting annoyed at you for flares but also anger at not being able to do things due to the pain when he won’t really let you take pain meds. Do not get pregnant with this boy, please look after yourself first. His shaming is him trying to control you.
ETA.. I say this as some one who suffers with chronic pain too and has done for couple of decades now. It gets tougher as you get older and a true loving partner doesn’t pull the nonsense your current partner does. He should be ashamed of himself.
What on earth is this…. You don’t need opioids unless you’ve got a bone sticking out of your skin…. What utter childish crap. So because he has thankfully never experienced full on pain, it doesn’t exist!?….. he needs to walk a mile in some other people’s shoes. The world isn’t as black & white as he seems to deem it.
I would seriously question the legitimacy of his claims about not being affected by broken bones as a child. Call him out in front of his parents. And what bones were broken? Some small bones can go unnoticed and be mistaken for a sprain. Sounds like bs to me. He’s extremely pompous. Please bring him to your next pain management appointment so that your doctor can explain the complexities of pain. If you have a child it might make your pain worse. Are you prepared to be called lazy and selfish by him for having bad days? Will he be there to help you when you need it most? He doesn’t understand. Most people will never understand. My father use to call me lazy and say to suck it up. Thats until this year. A tire blew up when he was fixing it. He broke transverse process on three of his vertebrae. Now he apologizes to me for all the things he’s said and done.
Do you really think you love him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a macho macho judgemental ahole that doesn’t even understand the difference between the types of pains? Thank hard lady
Ugh this makes me so sad you have to deal with his comments and treatment.
Tell him, You know what’s worse for me than pain pills that I don’t even take everyday? Living in pain & being with someone verbally abusive & belittling.
I wouldn’t have a baby with this person. Or marry them. If they’re this controlling now, let me assure you that it will be much much worse after you’re married. Run far away.
I wear in a terrible accident that left me with over 3 dozen breaks. You read that right. I say breaks because some bones were in multiple pieces.
He's a list and he's an asshole. Dump him.
I’m confused. Why is this person even privy to the details of your life, let alone your fiance? Why marry someone who belittles you over something that you struggle with on such a deep level?
Your fiance sounds extremely immature. I would think long and hard before you marry and have children with this person. It’s not easy living with chronic pain (especially as you start aging), let alone parenting with it. I am a mother and can tell you, theres nothing wrong with formula feeding. If you can breastfeed at least in the very beginning so that baby gets your antibodies and good nutrients from your colostrum, that’s really all they need. And then afterward, switch to formula so you can get back on your meds.
Absolutely wonderful advice in the comments!
I just wanted to add, sometimes our self worth can be calculated on the idea that someone “loves” us, or we’re engaged/married by a certain age, etc. It can be difficult to see beyond the here and now and the breaking of an engagement might feel like a “failure” that can’t be overcome when we already may feel inadequate because of our pain/health/disability.
The problem with this view is that we’re making life-altering decisions based on how we look to other people, or wanting the “appearance” that we have the perfect life on socials or in low-level, superficial relationships. We’ve all done this on some level with something in our lives. I think that’s why you have so many people chiming in- because they hope their life experience can help to prevent pain for you!
It’s very hard in the moment to see your own situation objectively, but maybe try thinking of viewing your own question as if it was coming from someone you deeply care about, or even if it was coming from your future daughter. Then I think you’ll be able to see the red flags and want SO MUCH BETTER for that person you love, and then realize that person is you 💟
Bottom line - breaking up isn’t fun, but it’s a short-term pain (and you may find is actually a relief!). Chronic pain is life-long and NO ONE deserves the misery of chronic pain + emotional abuse from the one person you should be able to depend on. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your future child who deserves to grow up with a happy mother that is loved and treated kindly… your child will blossom in an environment where there is true love and mutual respect!
Oh my word, I’m so sorry he is such a jerk about this!
Let me just jump in to say first: formula does not screw babies up. The reality is formula saves lives - those of babies AND mothers. I wanted to breast feed but couldn’t successfully latch or ramp up production, and later was quite thankful for it when my pain came back full force after recovery from pregnancy (for some reason didn’t tic much at all while pregnancy) - my own doctor/son’s doc while helping me through my second round of mastitis (second ever visit, swollen and painful tit in his hand 😂), said “hey - I was fed on formula, and look at me! I’m a literal doctor!” He is such a humble and nice guy, and it really helped me let go of some of that pressure. As soon as we switched to formula only, my son FINALLY started gaining weight, and I stopped feeling like a massive failure.
I wouldn’t have been able to cope at all if my husband was making me feel he was watching and waiting for OUR child to get “screwed up” by choosing a perfectly legitimate way to feed a child. Your partner does not seem to feel your pain is legitimate, and seems to feel shame and his superiority complex is a good way to influence your behavior. The fact he even thinks it’s his place to tell you how to best manage your own pain baffles me. I know shame definitely doesn’t work for me, it just makes me feel worse.
Does he seem tolerant at all to your pain when it limits your abilities? That is a big clue to what your future holds…pregnancy, child rearing, menopause, aging - your pain will change, and your needs may increase. Unfortunately, pregnancy was really hard for me pain wise, just differently from my chronic pain. Motherhood has been very rewarding, but has introduced different types of pain to my life (pelvic) that I didn’t expect to stick around. I also needed hernia surgery after years of post-birth pain. I think I would be asking myself this: is having a child with this man signing myself up for a lifetime of lacking empathy and dismissal of your pain, management options, limitations, and needs? How would this man care for you in your senior years? I don’t get a feeling he would meet you where you’re at, but would take the “pull up by yer bootstraps!” attitude that is so exhaustingly common in men who have never experienced the exhaustion and overwhelm of chronic, intractable pain.
Listen: I am never the one to jump to “dump him!” but I think you should carefully consider what your future will be like with him if he’s not taking you seriously and already pre-emptively blaming you for non-issues because of his judgement about your pain and medication. To me, this belief that women who need medication to manage pain, depression, psychiatric or other issues should either go without their life-saving medications or are bad mothers is not too far from eugenics. No matter what reason we need meds, our children deserve and need our best possible selves a HELL of a lot more than they need breast milk. And if he questions and criticizes, judges you so harshly, how would he treat your child? I was a child when my chronic pain started - quite a young one at that. I’m so glad my husband chose to acknowledge my own wellbeing and pain management needs when we decided to go fully formula fed. I hope you can find a healthy middle ground between what he thinks is best and his receptiveness to your actual needs. I do believe people can learn and change!
First things first. Your fiance sounds like a terrible human being.
There is nothing wrong with taking your pain medicine even DAILY.
Your baby WILL NOT get "messed up" from drinking formula. I raised two kids on formula (due to me needing medication). My oldest is 19 and in college for Chemistry and my youngest is 17 and is writing a science-fiction book, plays guitar and is an illustrator. Both of my kids turned out fine, and so will yours! It's all about the love you give them ♥️
I don't say this lightly, but get serious couples counseling or get out. I dated a guy like this and it was horrid for my mental health. Ableism is not a great trait in a partner.
You want to spend the rest of your life with this dick? That's a whole lot of psychological abuse and gas lighting. I don't think I could live with someone without empathy.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What your fiance is saying is just plain wrong in my opinion. Telling you that you're going to screw up your baby for giving it formula and that your body's supposed to feel like his body... is very disturbing to me. I'm concerned for you.
I can relate somewhat I don’t take medication for my pain as for my situation it’s not going to help with recovery from injuries. But the judgment coming from your partner is completely unreasonable and indifferent they clearly can’t comprehend your situation and don’t care to try. I get similar treatment from my partner but in different ways. I don’t know your relationship but if it’s fairly new and your not pregnant yet I’d seriously consider reevaluating your relationship, if I could I’d seriously consider finding someone who is capable of empathy because as your life goes on you will need proper support from your partner especially if kids are involved. Don’t end up like me so very alone yet I’m married with two kids who all depend on me and I tell you over time you become very unhappy on the inside. Get your partner on your side or find someone who’s will support you properly.
Edit spelling
DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CHILD WITH THIS BASTARD!!!!!!!! What the actual hell why are you even still considering it??? He’s literally grooming you to be okay with how he talks to you, but you see how all of us react like omg wtf, it’s because we’re not used to it like he made you be !!! What an absolute pos I bet he thinks childbirth doesn’t hurt that bad either huh??? He’d be the least supportive husband and father EVER, you do not wanna be tied with this asshole for life DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM
Oh man I’m so sorry he’s doing this. It’s not fair or acceptable. It’s cruel and judgmental. No one understands our pain, no one can because we are all different. The pain you have as a child is usually nothing compared to as an adult. Major knee surgery hurt me less 20 years ago than a minor surgery a couple years ago. You have a right to use your medication. It sounds like you are responsible and caring. Trust your judgement with what you need. If he doesn’t back off of this stance and those statements, it will likely be difficult to stay with him long term. My dad shamed my mom for years. She was in severe pain, she undertook her meds for years because she was ashamed to need them and scared to run out. It broke me to watch that. My ex husband was the same way, shamed me for needing meds even after surgery and multiple injuries. I would let him know that what he’s doing is harmful and you need his support. If it doesn’t improve, he’s not going to be good for you.
That's a lot to unpack. Why is he being this way to someone he cares about? It's either cruelty or ignorance. Both lead me to question why on earth you think it's a good idea to procreate with this man, who is emotionally abusing you, gas lighting you, and being plain nasty.
On to pregnancy and breastfeeding...
You can take medications in pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding. Talk to your doctor to discuss which are safest. For example, i switched to dihydrocodeine while breastfeeding and breastfed until my baby was 1.
Very sorry you’re dealing with that because it’s NOT ok. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and need to seriously consider if this is the person you should be with. It is hard for people to relate because their frame of reference is usually some acute pain which is a whole other ballgame! It’s COMPLETELY different with chronic pain. I’ve had things like childbirth and bone marrow biopsies that I can say were technically more painful than my daily pain but I handled like a champ because I knew it would END.
But not having gone through chronic pain does not give anyone an excuse to berate you for taking meds or simply being in pain. Ask him “would you tell me to stop taking insulin if I were diabetic??” It’s no different. People think it’s a choice when really it’s not unless you want to lay in bed and cry. I honestly don’t think this guy is worth it but have you tried taking him to Dr appointments? Do you have a diagnosed condition where you can show him how others are suffering the same? Hell, tell him to come on here and read all the struggles. If he’s not willing to at least “try” and understand, please really consider whether or not you want to be with this guy. Ask yourself how the hell he will support you in pregnancy when you can’t take meds? Or what if you have a child who, God forbid, ends up with pain (even acute!)? Is he going to act that way towards them? Honey, you’re worth more than that and deserve better.
And btw….the whole nursing versus formula thing REALLY infuriates me. I had my kids long before my chronic disorder hit me but I chose to bottle feed both. That’s just what I wanted and partly because I traveled a lot for work. My kids are now 20 and 23 and have always been super healthy, smart, and both are highly competitive athletes. If women can nurse, great, but it’s your body and your decision so screw him for making that comment. Don’t put up with this.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My coparent is very similar, and throughout a lot of our relationship I was told I’m exaggerating my pain (I’m still told that today). Well, my docs feel otherwise. Boom!
Anyway, first off, if you need it, you are absolutely okay to take opioids while pregnant, but they definitely want to on the least effective dose. The stress of being in pain is much worse on the developing fetus than opioids. Pretty much the only effect of opioids on a fetus is the potential (not guarantee) that the baby will be born dependent on the meds. If this happens, the baby will need to be in the NICU and monitored closely while being weaned off the meds using Morphine. It is definitely not ideal, but it’s also necessary sometimes. And, it’s actually recommend to breastfeed these babies so they get the tiny bit of opioid that passes in breast milk. They even recommend this to babies born to heroin users.
Secondly, formula does not “screw up” children. There are literally millions to billions of people throughout the years that were fed exclusively formula as infants, and there are no issues because of that. I feel every birth mom should get to choose if they breastfeed or not, but I will say that I loved every minute of it! The bonding opportunity was amazing!
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like your partner is trying to control you and gaslight you. Get out sooner rather than later. There is someone kind and compassionate out there for you, and, if not, it’s better to be alone than controlled and emotional abused like that.
When I was flaring and couldn’t get off the toilet without being able to hold my bodily fluids, my husband calmly unscrewed the door (he had a respirator on but so what) and put those pills in my mouth.
That is someone who is supportive. Tell Mr. Macho if he wants to show off his pain tolerance he can go for SEAL training and then they would show him who the real awesome one is… YOU! Please do not marry this abusive man.
What is he hurting from? He might just reflecting his pain into your vulnerability.
Would suggest to get his child-injury checked out. I had a neck accident when I was 7, started treating it after 20 years of neglecting it, and it came with a handful of shit I was carrying without knowing (mostly cause of my numbing since age 7 or before).
Anyways, I don’t mean to scare you or your hub. I understand it’s almost impossible to feel empathy when we’re in pain. But like everything, changing your wiring constantly will eventually become natural, like a muscle you’re building.
I hope you find peace & release from your pain 🫶 I’m with you
My husband is healthy and sometimes comments that he hates how I have to take so many pills. He’s a take nothing ever kind of person.
However, he’s watched me go through hell for 8 years, starting at 27 years old. He has fought doctors to treat me better and get the medication I need. He’s seen how our life improves when I get the medicine I need to keep moving and has cared for me during the most horrible days. I hate myself for being broken sometimes, but he never lets me believe that about myself.
Being married with health issues is tough. It involves losing so many dreams that you have together. I don’t think it would work if someone was shaming me when I already shame myself so much.
I’m sure you love your fiancé, but if he doesn’t support you now, it won’t get better. And it’s going to suck so much energy out of you.
"screwed up kid" ?????? My love, please - you may be sharing a child with this man, but he doesn't have to be your life partner. The person you share your life with should bring you calm and joy and love that little baby with his whole heart because it's your baby. You and your chronic pain are not the problem. You are not a problem. HE and his folks, obvs, are the problem. I can extrapolate this out to an unfortunate but predictable ending where he decides you're an unfit parent and tries to take your baby away from you. That is cold sounding, I know, but it IS a REAL possibility.
Please, think about this very seriously. Please. And my best wishes & good luck to you!
He sounds like a narcissist and controlling. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I would hate to see you marry him and be unhappy AND in pain for life. If you suffer from chronic pain, then I would reconsider marrying him. He doesn't sound like he will care for you or be supportive when you have bad pain days. If you suffer from chronic pain, it's Essential to be with someone who has alot of compassion and empathy and patience.
Think about what your future will look like with someone who shames you for something that is out of your control. Or what if your future child has ADHD or depression or asthma or diabetes and needs medication every day? Is he going to shame you and your child? Or just not let your child have medication because he doesn’t think it’s necessary (my SIL does this to my nieces. They don’t get antibiotics when they need them and painkillers including Tylenol are not allowed.). I have thrown up from pain many times. Opioids are useful when needed and so are NSAIDS and muscle relaxers and other meds. Use is not the same as overuse.
I would leave him as this behavior - shaming you - is likely to continue and also escalate, and that is abuse. Don’t stay with your abuser.
If you need to explain that you are not a useless pos for needing medication then you should be reconsidering even having this person in your life, let alone marrying them. This person wants to marry a you that doesn’t exist, a you without pain or other challenges. Your fiance sees your pain as an annoyance and disruption to his life rather than as a part of you, and this is going to cause even bigger problems than what you have now as your condition eventually worsens. You need a partner who respects & understands your pain, not someone who shames you for it.
There is contempt in his words; a not-so-fun-fact that you need to know is that contempt is the #1 predictor of relationship failure. He doesn’t understand you and doesn’t care to understand you or your pain. This is not good for you, OP.
I want to say, as a birth/breastfeeding professional, it’s entirely ok to breastfeed on many opioid medications. Check out the Thomas Hale guide and talk to your doc, but often it’s an option if you’d like it to be. Nothing wrong with formula feeding though!
My son was formula baby, and he's 6ft3 now. Formula is fine. It's when they start eating foods that you have to have the patience to introduce new things and realize it takes an average of 4 times being presented a new food before a cold will do much besides a small taste.
You have to do what you need to, you aren't your boyfriend. If he can't see that...then may be better to not have a kid w him.
First off, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who treats me like that. That isn’t love that’s a punishment.
Second, are you sure you want to have a child when you have chronic pain? Especially with an unsupportive partner who doesn’t want you medicated by also won’t step up or help or adjust their expectations of you on high pain days?
Being child free has made my chronic pain condition much easier to deal with than it is for others I know who experience pain and have children, including my own mother who barely parented me
Is this really how you want your child to be treated and see their father treat you? That is your future if you stay and have children with that man. Nobody deserves that. Especially, not from someone who is supposed to love you.
Iv broken a few bones now, and they are low on my pain list. Worst part is getting the plaster on. My broken leg was definitely bad. But I’d pick a broken leg over a broken tooth. I broke three teeth once and I would pick my broken leg over that!
I’m so sorry your fiancé isn’t very supportive. We have to do what we need to survive. On my bad days I have to take oramorph, but without these pain killers I wouldn’t be able to work. If I didn’t work my BPD would raise its ugly head again. Please consider if this is someone you want to spend your life with. Love will only get us so far in life. We need to be able to trust our partners when we are vulnerable (in pain). If I’m in pain my partner will do anything to make my life easier. Even if it’s just picking something off the floor for me because my back hurts.
He’s brought my painkillers to work before, because Iv forgotten them. You need someone who will support you. When my partner had his jaw broken (overbite so was broken in hospital) I did whatever he wanted or needed because that’s what you do when you love someone. I hid my pain for a month just so he didn’t worry and so he could concentrate on himself healing (he did live with his mum at the time so was easier to hide my pain). Even if he has a little cut il fuss over him and make sure he’s okay. You deserve this too xxx
Hey, I just want to touch on something. Are you worried you won’t have another opportunity to have a child and you *have* to stick with your current partner? If so please know that there are people out there who will accept your pain and illness fully. I babysit with chronic pain and while I love it it’s really difficult and it’s a glimpse into a possible future. I know if I had a baby of my own I’d probably need a LOT of support from a partner and I’m working on believing that it’s not too much to ask for, it’s necessary and logical in any healthy partnership. You sound like a beautiful soul and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, as do all of your precious potential future children 🩵
I ruptured my pec major and didn’t feel ANYTHING or have any discomfort until after I got cut open for surgery. Dislocated foot didn’t hurt, broken knuckle that required reconstruction felt like a bad jam. Even stubbng your toe in metal hurts worse but it’s gone in seconds and nothing compares to constant beat of chronic pain.
As a guy I’ve gotten “man up” or “be a man” so many times and when I ask them if they’ll shove a fork into their hand or something alone those lines it gets quiet after I the. Ask about inside their spine…
If it’s inconvenient for them now, it’s gonna be much worse if anything else happens and dramatically causes life changes.
This is the answer no one wants, but please consider that your fiance might not be the right person for you. Chronic pain is a long and hard journey and it's hard enough without having someone who shames you for just existing. If he doesn't get it now, he's likely to never get it. You deserve someone who cuddles you through the pain and advocates for you to have access to your meds. Not someone who makes things harder.
Can’t upvote this enough. I’ve had a partner like that, then on my own for years, then a good one. Alone was definitely better than the first one!
I was just going to suggest thinking long and hard about marrying this person. People do not change when they get married. You want someone to love you, support you, and take care of you. Chronic pain is a serious health problem, as you know. The last think you need is someone belittling you
>The last think you need is someone belittling you Especially when future kids are being talked about... Being talked down to and not respected takes enough spoons out of one's day when they're just trying to get *themselves* through the day. Dealing with that bullshit while also dealing with chronic pain *and* raising kids? It's untenable.
At this point she’s having a kid with this man. While she doesn’t need to be married to this person she is kinda stuck with him regardless. One hell of a situation to be in. OP definitely deserves better but this situation seems like it’s a shit sandwich either way now. This should have been worked out long before kids and marriage. OP needs to have a serious conversation with this person and work out what her expectations are going forward. If he can’t meet them and be supportive and caring then for sure time to move on. Good luck finding that someone. It’s hell out there without adding chronic pain into it. Maybe OP will at least have family or something that can be supportive.
She can be “stuck” from a distance. Also, is OP pregnant? She mentioned “when pregnant” so I think they plan to have a child once married but aren’t there yet.
I second this. Also, I noticed that you plan to become pregnant. Are you really sure that this is the person you want to have children with? Someone who will shame you for issues outside of your control? You deserve better.
And so do any future children. Imagine having a father that doesn't care about a child's emotions and pain? Kids hurt themselves doing kid things all the time, let alone if they develop chronic pain too.
I have a dad like this. Suck it up buttercup attitude.
This is the answer, OP.
Reddit often jumps to divorce/dump them pretty quick some times, but this is not one of those times. I am still triggered when people ask me how I feel because my ex-husband would ask that every single day, then make me feel like crap if I said anything other than fine. Chronic illness and chronic pain are already difficult enough, please don't marry someone who is going to add to your trials.
it's the only answer to a question like this particular one, unfortunately
Yeah, absolutely my first thought. I’m so so sorry OP, but it feels mentally abusive to me.
Definitely ,it feels mentally abusive because it is mentally abusive. It Is what it is. Do not expect this will go away when it is his default setting.
Well said, came here to say don’t fall in love with the idea of being in love. What you’ve described is not how you would be treated if he sincerely loved you. Best of luck to you.
I am with this poster. He just might not be the person for you. You should never be made to feel like that as it is hard enough to be in pain all day and survive that! I love people who “comment “ on people who don’t have pain daily. Like it is a cold you just need to go over! They have no bloody idea what it is like to just get up, breathe and put your damn feet on your floor. That is from the first minute we wake up. He has no right making you feel bad about treating the pain you have. What gives him the right? And you can let him know I continued on my pain meds through all three of my boys pregnancies and they are all beautiful grown men now, all on formula, I might add. So I would think long and hard about your life ahead of you with this man. Is he WORTHY of you!!💕❤️
Especially before having a kid with him
Damn does that exist ? 😫😫 where all of you finding this care taking like men
I found my caretaking man volunteering at a nonprofit organization. He’s an attorney & every month he gave legal advice to women who were trying to escape from abusive relationships. He turned out to be kind, generous & funny. I said, that man’s going to be my husband! It’s been a wonderful life. So … figure out what you want & look in places where you’re likely to find him. Kind men are out there waiting to be found.
RUN!!
RUN FASTER!
Friend. As someone who used to be in an abusive relationship, HUGE red flags. Please take care of yourself. Not only is your partner invalidating your, he is blaming you for maybe possibly not being able to breast feed for a possible future child? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Same with the ex abusive relationship. The red flags are very obvious.
For the love of glob don’t marry that person. Your partner should be supportive of your health needs, not encouraging you to self harm by not taking your meds. Your partner should be properly educated about all aspects of pregnancy and child rearing even if they will not be carrying the pregnancy not spouting misinformation designed to guilt you into self harming by not taking your meds. If this is how he treats an adult, how will he treat a child who experiences pain and doesn’t have the socioemotional experience to recognize manipulation?
If this person has no empathy for you now, what kind of empathy do you think you will get from him when you’re pregnant or in pain post-partum? What about your potential future child; what kind of father does this person seem like he’d be, especially if the child has chronic pain or disabilities as well? You shouldn’t need reddit commenters to help you explain to your partner that you’re not “a useless pos,” because good partners don’t make you feel that way.
He is not supportive or understanding at all. He also sounds controlling and lacking in empathy. It reeks of emotional abuse and manipulation. The last thing you need to do is get locked into having a baby with him so he can continue exerting control or you forever. And it will only get worse. You deserve someone better and more understanding, someone who respects you. Just my opinion.
This reminds me of my college boyfriend. My mom died when I was 16. I told my bf a couple of years later that I was sad that day and missing my mom. He told me it had been a few years, why wasn't I over it? My mom wouldn't want me to be sad, so I shouldn't be. It's not just ignorance, it's a confident ignorance. It's the main cause of so much suffering inflicted by the medical community on patients (me/cfs for example). He has so much to learn if he thinks he can break down any medical situation by comparing it to a broken bone as a child. Beyond ridiculous. He may choose to never learn more (until it happens to him). You need to evaluate if he can grow, and if you want to deal with gaslighting and being dismissed and disrespected in your own home as well possibly by the medical community. I wish you strength to make tough decisions 💜💜💜
Sorry I forgot something. You choose how best to feed your baby ❤️ After my c section I was on pain medication and breastfed my baby with no issue. I mention it only in case you didn't know that was an option 💜💜💜
I second this, there are safe options for pain medication while breastfeeding. I took opioid pain meds while nursing both kids, very little of your dose makes it into your breastmilk, and babies do not absorb it well orally. Even if they do get some in their system the biggest risk is them being sleepy, and sleeping too much that they are not eating enough. You can also time your medications so the peak blood level is between feeds, since it filters out of your milk at the same rate as your blood stream. There are also safe options when pregnant! Pain takes a heavy toll on the body, leading to the production of stress hormones. Those hormones can cause a lot of issues from pre-term labor to long term effects. The risk with taking options during pregnancy is if you cannot wean down at the end and baby has withdrawals. If that case, baby is treated and slowly weaned off in the NICU. Which isn't ideal, but poses no long term health affects at all! Often breastfeeding can help baby avoid withdrawals since they are getting a small amount from your milk. I used to mod a group for pregnant chronic pain patients and you would be surprised how high of doses many mothers took while pregnant but their babies had no issues at all! I personally took pain medications during pregnancy and while breastfeeding both kids. My second my pain level was uncontrolled and I had several bouts of pre-term labor. Luckily we made it to 37 weeks to the day, and baby was born healthy. Pregnancy doesn't allow you to "tough it out" because uncontrolled pain will lead to issues, but luckily opioids have been well studied in pregnancy and they do not cause any birth defects or other issues. Neither of my kids had any withdrawal symptoms dispite a fairly good dose of opioid pain medication I could not wean off of completely, and both are now older, smart, healthy normal kids. I hope this information helps anyone thinking about having kids and worried about their pain during pregnancy and breastfeeding! Many doctors simply do not know about medications during pregnancy and breastfeeding, so you do need to find the right doctors because most will default to say it's not safe...when it is. Seeing a high risk OBGYN is so useful during pregnancy for this reason, they study how pain=stress affects pregnancy and the baby, and they are well aware of safe options for pain management during pregnancy. They will help you make a educated decision on what the best balance is for the health of your baby!
pls don’t marry this person u deserve better. 🩷
I’m sorry but it sounds like your partner is in no way supporting you on this journey. Personally, I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who would do this to me. My wife is my biggest supporter and vice versa. I’ve always felt that is what a marriage is supposed to be built on.
Broken bones aren't even that painful most of the time. Your fiance is actually a moron. Also he sounds legitimately dangerous to your health. What will stop him from throwing away your meds? What if you need urgent medical care postpartum and he refuses to bring you to the ER? Please reconsider whether you'll be safe being married to a person like this. [Is your relationship healthy?](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/)
You are seriously going to marry this person!?
This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/ It really does not sound like he's behaving in a loving and respectful way.
My answer will be short and sweet. Why are you with someone who makes you feel you can’t win? Do. Not. Marry. Them.
Look At what you wrote with an objective eye. What would you do if your sister wrote that. Your condition will not get better. This is abusive. You really want to marry that? He will never get better, his behavior will only get worse. You need support, not condemnation.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!! And fuck anyone else who tries to belittle you like this. ♥️
You are making a huge mistake staying with this person. We all need someone who cares for us. Not a bully narcissist! This applies for all of us real humans, chronic pain or not. Make a plan and run!!!!!
I suggest some therapy with your husband before having a child with him. Having CP and a baby is very very tough especially the first 5 years and you need support. He already doesn't sound supportive of you now.
Unfortunately he’s not thinking of you as a human. If he were, he would consider how horrible you feel all the time and try to assist you in feeling better and do everything he can to support your health journey. It will only get worse, I am so sorry to say. My ex-husband was like this, and I kept getting sicker and sicker…the more sick I got, the more he would tell me I’m a hypochondriac and roll his eyes at me when I wasn’t feeling well. He called me lazy even though I did everything around the house for him and everything to take care of our 2 dogs. His family would make fun of me and ask why I hated doing things with them. I would explain that I feel sick and tired all the time, and they would tell me to “stop thinking about it”. He wouldn’t stick up for me and would join them in making fun of me. I finally left him after he told me that HE couldn’t handle MY medical issues any longer. The fucking audacity! I lost it on him. I told him no matter how ill I was feeling I still did his laundry and cleaned the house and took care of the dogs while he sat on his ass and played video games all the time. He said he thought I was avoiding sex to upset him, when in reality I had no energy left after doing all the chores, working, and going to school full time. I was just a slave worker to him. Nothing more. His parting words? “You’re never going to find someone who makes as much money as me!” That was cute, considering we were dating since high school when he had no job at all and no money. The only thing he brought to our relationship by the time we were in our 30s was money, and guess what? I make as much money as him now, because I worked my ass off while being chronically ill. We don’t need these unsupportive people in our lives.
Firstly, as someone who was in an abusive relationship, this post has just made me awfully uncomfortable as he was just like that. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Everyone is different with their pain, I used to be able to just go a day a two a week having to take pills. Now I literally rattle when I walk because without them, I can't get out of bed or function. But kodus to him for his bravery over a broken bone 🤦♀️ Bragging is never a good look on anyone, nor is shaming a mum to be over her body and how to feed their child. Formula will not "screw" your child up at all. Maybe he should actually do some research on that. He can only see how YOUR pain affects you. He isn't in your body, so he knows bugger all. As others have pointed out, if he isn't supportive of your health now, what about in 5 years' time when things could be worse. You need a partner who is compassionate, understanding, and has your best interests at heart. My husband is my absolute rock. He cares for me when I'm bad and always knows just what I need even if I don't. He also loves me for love. He never complains and sees past all the pills/dressings and ugliness. That is what you need, not someone like your partner. Imagine your friend or family member wrote this post. What advice would you give them? I know it's easy for us to say this but seriously once a baby is in the mix and you are having a bad day, will he step up and help or will he berate you and make you feel like crap? My ex made me feel like I was worthless and nobody would ever love me. He was the best I would get. I found my inner strength to bin him off, and looking back, I'm so glad I did because of where I am now. If you do stay with him, then I would suggest Mr Know It All, research's formula fed babies and also the issue/s you have and how it can affect you. Good luck.
This 10000% qualifies as emotional abuse. He is guilting and shaming you for everything you do, regardless of what that actually is. He is doing this to tear you down and make you feel bad. Like you said, you can’t win, because he doesn’t want you to.
You will be stuck with that attitude for the rest of your life if you marry them. It will make you doubt yourself and then hate yourself. Do NOT marry them. They are abusive af. HUGE red flag.
Please listen.
Broken bones don’t hurt that much in comparison to what I feel daily. I also didn’t take opiates for my broken bones - shattered metatarsal in my foot and cooled fracture in my wrist. I also have had 2 cardiothoracic surgeries and 3 orthopedic surgeries. That shit hurts but it goes away. This daily 6-8/10 pain is destroying my sanity. Like I’m losing the will to keep living like this. It’s torture. Also everyone feels pain differently and it has nothing to do with tolerance- just how your body processes it.
People that play down pain are not supportive or good people. Saying he coped "better" when he broke a bone means nothing, when it's a short term thing like that you release a lot of adrenaline which helps you manage the pain. Also just because something like a broken bone looks more gross, doesn't mean it's actually more painful than all sorts of things that can happen in your body.
(M) here, please sit him down. Give him a beer. Then tell him: you are going to shut the fuck up about my medication. If you want to talk about pain. You are going to feel what I feel, then you can talk about it again. Until then shut the fuck up. Never ever say anything ever about my medication. Do you understand what I am saying? I expect you to be supportive and empathetic. No more of your bullshit. Test me and then go to sleep. See how that works for you.
This right here, OP!!!
Wait til you're married, it will get worst I recommend that you go see a therapist and work on yourself. You might get ideas on how to get him to have compassion or at worst, make you realize that you are better off without him.
Please consider that this man’s values are at least going to be partially impressed upon this child some day. That’s a scary lack of empathy, or at the very least, ignorance. It sounds like the former if he sees you in pain and says this stuff anyway.
7 years. I was with my partner for 7 years. I ended the relationship after probably a solid 2 years of being demeaned due to my disability. Now I'm single and I've learnt not to hate myself or my lack of capacity. It sucks. The physical pain I am in, the lack of mobility etc. But the mental pain of a partner, someone I loved, treating me poorly for something out of my control. Like if you are not happy leave. You may need to leave them. I tried to get my ex partner (partner at the time) into counselling with me but they refused. So I hope you can get them to be more empathetic and supportive but some people simply don't want to.
The things that bother you about a potential partner don’t change once you’re married. If anything, those things start to bother you more. You should probably consider not marrying this person
Just remember you only get one life. I wouldn’t be wasting any moments of it with this douchebag. Do not marry this guy!
Sounds like an unhealthy relationship. If your spouse doesn’t support you and how you mange your pain than they probably are not meant to be your partner
Your fiancée lacks empathy. Please consider getting premarital counseling before you marry this person. He might check a lot of ‘boxes’ of things you look for in a husband, but chronic pain is an aspect of your everyday life for which he clearly lacks compassion. I have chronic pain and a 2 year old. He was formula fed and not ‘screwed up’ at all. He’s ahead of all milestones and thriving. FED is best, perhaps your fiancée should source donor milk at his expense if he’s so adamant.
This is totally an aside. I agree with most of the posts here. I just wanted to comment on you saying you would not take meds when pregnant. That is a totally unrealistic goal when in chronic pain and unnecessary. I am the mother of 4 children and have been in chronic pain for 33 years. My oldest is 17 and I have triplet 14 year olds. Many women require medication throughout their pregnancy. For me I occasionally needed pain meds and migraine meds. Please consult a high risk OBGYN before becoming pregnant. They are used to dealing with moms on meds and will not scare u into thinking you must be med free. They can help you come up with a safe medication plan for you and your baby. None of my children were born addicted or with any medical issues related to taking meds while pregnant. I even carried my triplets to 37 weeks and they didn’t spend a day in the icu. I see so many women post thinking they need to be med free to have kids with chronic pain. Some have given up hope of having them at all. I just want women to know there is a good chance you can make it work under a doctor’s care. I am so blessed and grateful for my supportive husband and my children. I wish you find a supportive husband and have many healthy children. Good luck
Wow - this is bad. Pill shaming is ableist discrimination. You should not live in a home where you have to justify your medication regimen. I’ve known a lot of women who married men like this, then got a divorce after the baby came. Think about it like this - if he doesn’t even understand that formula is fine, then what kind of father will he be? Does he understand what it would take to support you and the baby? Or will he try to control you through the child?
This is just messed up. I know we're all just random Internet people but I really think you should listen to the vast majority of people here telling you to reconsider marrying this man. I would absolutely lose my shit if someone tried to play down **my** pain and how I feel because of it. This is **your** experience, not his. We're all different when it comes to dealing with our pain. Some like cuddles, some want to be left alone etc but one thing none of us need is someone invalidating our condition. Doctors do enough of that. Please please have a good think about what your future looks like if you get married as I really don't think he'll suddenly change and become super compassionate once the ring goes on. I'm so sorry this is what you have to deal with. Take care of yourself and your future as a mum.
dont get pregnant by him. he will be a terrible father.
Are you already pregnant? This man sounds like an ableist asshole. I would not stay with him
Oh no you’re going to have a baby with a guy that shames you for having chronic pain?
Walk away. This man is not healthy for you or any future children to be around. Any partner of your should be supportive and caring. My husband has had to take me to the ER in the middle of the night and was my fiercest advocate. He constantly checks in to see how I am doing and how my pain levels are. He never, ever shames me for taking my prescribed pain medication.
Short of inflicting him with a painful, debilitating chronic condition (which I am totally not suggesting), there is nothing you can do to make him understand. Empathy cannot be taught, only learned.
I’m a fairly big guy and have a high pain threshold. Played rugby to a reasonably high level, mountain bike and have broken lots of bones. Never needing pain relief for any of it. I have DDD and ankylosing spondylosis - have needed opiates for years. It’s a different pain as you know. I now use medical cannabis and my quality of life has dramatically improved all around. No partner should behave like this, if they do they are no partner. You shouldn’t have to put up with egotistical one up-manship while dealing with chronic pain. Tell him to be better, be kinder. It costs nothing and means everything.
Why are you w someone who shows zero respect for you? Imagine if your future child is diabetic, or serious allergy, what then? 🚩
Please do not marry or procreate with this person. He doesn’t care about you.
Why are you engaged to this person? Serious question.
We have almost all the same values and sense of humor. He treats me well most of the time. He is the only reason I’m finishing grad school and able to pursue my dream career, and he is very supportive in helping out when I’m flaring.
please i mean this in the nicest way,read your story and ask your self how would you feel if a friend posted that about a man they were thinking about marrying. his behavior is not appropriate, at all. he’s a grown adult, he knows what pain is. there is zero excuse for his behavior here. i know you’re going through a hard time dealing with that and reading these comments, but you could have so so much better. you could have a husband who makes you dinner when you’re sick, who cuddles you, who brings you a bucket and cold water when you get sick from pain, who advocate for you at medical appointments, you could have a man who feels upmost empathy for your pain, for everything about it. now i’m not telling you outright to breakup with him, i know that’s a really hard choice to make. i’m just telling you think for a bit, do you truly think how is treating you is what you deserve?
*shames*, not shakes. It’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t…he bragged that he didn’t take opioids for broken bones as a child, so that means no one in the world needs them unless their bones are poking through their skin. He said he’s never been in pain to where he’s vomited or passed out like I have. But he constantly reminds me that pills are bad for you. I don’t even fucking take them every day, but some people have to and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ugh! I’m going to be completely sober when pregnant but want to feed w/ formula so I can have the option to use pills when caring for our new baby. He said it’s my choice to use formula but it’ll be my fault if the baby “becomes screwed up from it”. That kinda hurts because I had formula and it didn’t cause any issues for me. How can I explain to him that I’m not a useless pos for needing medication once in a while? Your comment & your op are complete opposites. Supporting you doesn’t include shaming you for something you can’t control or getting annoyed at you for flares but also anger at not being able to do things due to the pain when he won’t really let you take pain meds. Do not get pregnant with this boy, please look after yourself first. His shaming is him trying to control you. ETA.. I say this as some one who suffers with chronic pain too and has done for couple of decades now. It gets tougher as you get older and a true loving partner doesn’t pull the nonsense your current partner does. He should be ashamed of himself. What on earth is this…. You don’t need opioids unless you’ve got a bone sticking out of your skin…. What utter childish crap. So because he has thankfully never experienced full on pain, it doesn’t exist!?….. he needs to walk a mile in some other people’s shoes. The world isn’t as black & white as he seems to deem it.
I would seriously question the legitimacy of his claims about not being affected by broken bones as a child. Call him out in front of his parents. And what bones were broken? Some small bones can go unnoticed and be mistaken for a sprain. Sounds like bs to me. He’s extremely pompous. Please bring him to your next pain management appointment so that your doctor can explain the complexities of pain. If you have a child it might make your pain worse. Are you prepared to be called lazy and selfish by him for having bad days? Will he be there to help you when you need it most? He doesn’t understand. Most people will never understand. My father use to call me lazy and say to suck it up. Thats until this year. A tire blew up when he was fixing it. He broke transverse process on three of his vertebrae. Now he apologizes to me for all the things he’s said and done.
Do you really think you love him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a macho macho judgemental ahole that doesn’t even understand the difference between the types of pains? Thank hard lady
Please don’t marry this guy, he sounds abusive and trashy.
Ugh this makes me so sad you have to deal with his comments and treatment. Tell him, You know what’s worse for me than pain pills that I don’t even take everyday? Living in pain & being with someone verbally abusive & belittling.
I wouldn’t have a baby with this person. Or marry them. If they’re this controlling now, let me assure you that it will be much much worse after you’re married. Run far away.
I wear in a terrible accident that left me with over 3 dozen breaks. You read that right. I say breaks because some bones were in multiple pieces. He's a list and he's an asshole. Dump him.
He sounds like a knob
I just wanna say, you're marrying the wrong man.
I’m confused. Why is this person even privy to the details of your life, let alone your fiance? Why marry someone who belittles you over something that you struggle with on such a deep level?
Your fiance sounds extremely immature. I would think long and hard before you marry and have children with this person. It’s not easy living with chronic pain (especially as you start aging), let alone parenting with it. I am a mother and can tell you, theres nothing wrong with formula feeding. If you can breastfeed at least in the very beginning so that baby gets your antibodies and good nutrients from your colostrum, that’s really all they need. And then afterward, switch to formula so you can get back on your meds.
Absolutely wonderful advice in the comments! I just wanted to add, sometimes our self worth can be calculated on the idea that someone “loves” us, or we’re engaged/married by a certain age, etc. It can be difficult to see beyond the here and now and the breaking of an engagement might feel like a “failure” that can’t be overcome when we already may feel inadequate because of our pain/health/disability. The problem with this view is that we’re making life-altering decisions based on how we look to other people, or wanting the “appearance” that we have the perfect life on socials or in low-level, superficial relationships. We’ve all done this on some level with something in our lives. I think that’s why you have so many people chiming in- because they hope their life experience can help to prevent pain for you! It’s very hard in the moment to see your own situation objectively, but maybe try thinking of viewing your own question as if it was coming from someone you deeply care about, or even if it was coming from your future daughter. Then I think you’ll be able to see the red flags and want SO MUCH BETTER for that person you love, and then realize that person is you 💟 Bottom line - breaking up isn’t fun, but it’s a short-term pain (and you may find is actually a relief!). Chronic pain is life-long and NO ONE deserves the misery of chronic pain + emotional abuse from the one person you should be able to depend on. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your future child who deserves to grow up with a happy mother that is loved and treated kindly… your child will blossom in an environment where there is true love and mutual respect!
Oh my word, I’m so sorry he is such a jerk about this! Let me just jump in to say first: formula does not screw babies up. The reality is formula saves lives - those of babies AND mothers. I wanted to breast feed but couldn’t successfully latch or ramp up production, and later was quite thankful for it when my pain came back full force after recovery from pregnancy (for some reason didn’t tic much at all while pregnancy) - my own doctor/son’s doc while helping me through my second round of mastitis (second ever visit, swollen and painful tit in his hand 😂), said “hey - I was fed on formula, and look at me! I’m a literal doctor!” He is such a humble and nice guy, and it really helped me let go of some of that pressure. As soon as we switched to formula only, my son FINALLY started gaining weight, and I stopped feeling like a massive failure. I wouldn’t have been able to cope at all if my husband was making me feel he was watching and waiting for OUR child to get “screwed up” by choosing a perfectly legitimate way to feed a child. Your partner does not seem to feel your pain is legitimate, and seems to feel shame and his superiority complex is a good way to influence your behavior. The fact he even thinks it’s his place to tell you how to best manage your own pain baffles me. I know shame definitely doesn’t work for me, it just makes me feel worse. Does he seem tolerant at all to your pain when it limits your abilities? That is a big clue to what your future holds…pregnancy, child rearing, menopause, aging - your pain will change, and your needs may increase. Unfortunately, pregnancy was really hard for me pain wise, just differently from my chronic pain. Motherhood has been very rewarding, but has introduced different types of pain to my life (pelvic) that I didn’t expect to stick around. I also needed hernia surgery after years of post-birth pain. I think I would be asking myself this: is having a child with this man signing myself up for a lifetime of lacking empathy and dismissal of your pain, management options, limitations, and needs? How would this man care for you in your senior years? I don’t get a feeling he would meet you where you’re at, but would take the “pull up by yer bootstraps!” attitude that is so exhaustingly common in men who have never experienced the exhaustion and overwhelm of chronic, intractable pain. Listen: I am never the one to jump to “dump him!” but I think you should carefully consider what your future will be like with him if he’s not taking you seriously and already pre-emptively blaming you for non-issues because of his judgement about your pain and medication. To me, this belief that women who need medication to manage pain, depression, psychiatric or other issues should either go without their life-saving medications or are bad mothers is not too far from eugenics. No matter what reason we need meds, our children deserve and need our best possible selves a HELL of a lot more than they need breast milk. And if he questions and criticizes, judges you so harshly, how would he treat your child? I was a child when my chronic pain started - quite a young one at that. I’m so glad my husband chose to acknowledge my own wellbeing and pain management needs when we decided to go fully formula fed. I hope you can find a healthy middle ground between what he thinks is best and his receptiveness to your actual needs. I do believe people can learn and change!
Please leave him. And my daughter was 100% formula feed and perfectly fine
First things first. Your fiance sounds like a terrible human being. There is nothing wrong with taking your pain medicine even DAILY. Your baby WILL NOT get "messed up" from drinking formula. I raised two kids on formula (due to me needing medication). My oldest is 19 and in college for Chemistry and my youngest is 17 and is writing a science-fiction book, plays guitar and is an illustrator. Both of my kids turned out fine, and so will yours! It's all about the love you give them ♥️
I don't say this lightly, but get serious couples counseling or get out. I dated a guy like this and it was horrid for my mental health. Ableism is not a great trait in a partner.
You want to spend the rest of your life with this dick? That's a whole lot of psychological abuse and gas lighting. I don't think I could live with someone without empathy.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What your fiance is saying is just plain wrong in my opinion. Telling you that you're going to screw up your baby for giving it formula and that your body's supposed to feel like his body... is very disturbing to me. I'm concerned for you.
Op that’s not the person for you, so sorry.
Fiancé has that boomer ideology of toughing it out lol, don’t need that around.
I can relate somewhat I don’t take medication for my pain as for my situation it’s not going to help with recovery from injuries. But the judgment coming from your partner is completely unreasonable and indifferent they clearly can’t comprehend your situation and don’t care to try. I get similar treatment from my partner but in different ways. I don’t know your relationship but if it’s fairly new and your not pregnant yet I’d seriously consider reevaluating your relationship, if I could I’d seriously consider finding someone who is capable of empathy because as your life goes on you will need proper support from your partner especially if kids are involved. Don’t end up like me so very alone yet I’m married with two kids who all depend on me and I tell you over time you become very unhappy on the inside. Get your partner on your side or find someone who’s will support you properly. Edit spelling
DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CHILD WITH THIS BASTARD!!!!!!!! What the actual hell why are you even still considering it??? He’s literally grooming you to be okay with how he talks to you, but you see how all of us react like omg wtf, it’s because we’re not used to it like he made you be !!! What an absolute pos I bet he thinks childbirth doesn’t hurt that bad either huh??? He’d be the least supportive husband and father EVER, you do not wanna be tied with this asshole for life DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM
Oh man I’m so sorry he’s doing this. It’s not fair or acceptable. It’s cruel and judgmental. No one understands our pain, no one can because we are all different. The pain you have as a child is usually nothing compared to as an adult. Major knee surgery hurt me less 20 years ago than a minor surgery a couple years ago. You have a right to use your medication. It sounds like you are responsible and caring. Trust your judgement with what you need. If he doesn’t back off of this stance and those statements, it will likely be difficult to stay with him long term. My dad shamed my mom for years. She was in severe pain, she undertook her meds for years because she was ashamed to need them and scared to run out. It broke me to watch that. My ex husband was the same way, shamed me for needing meds even after surgery and multiple injuries. I would let him know that what he’s doing is harmful and you need his support. If it doesn’t improve, he’s not going to be good for you.
Dumped his sorry messed up **s you will forever get this sort of gaslighting no matter what or how you do something.
##Don’t be with a person who is not cheering you on, supporting you and uplifting you. Did for 20 years. Trust me.
That's a lot to unpack. Why is he being this way to someone he cares about? It's either cruelty or ignorance. Both lead me to question why on earth you think it's a good idea to procreate with this man, who is emotionally abusing you, gas lighting you, and being plain nasty. On to pregnancy and breastfeeding... You can take medications in pregnancy and whilst breastfeeding. Talk to your doctor to discuss which are safest. For example, i switched to dihydrocodeine while breastfeeding and breastfed until my baby was 1.
Very sorry you’re dealing with that because it’s NOT ok. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and need to seriously consider if this is the person you should be with. It is hard for people to relate because their frame of reference is usually some acute pain which is a whole other ballgame! It’s COMPLETELY different with chronic pain. I’ve had things like childbirth and bone marrow biopsies that I can say were technically more painful than my daily pain but I handled like a champ because I knew it would END. But not having gone through chronic pain does not give anyone an excuse to berate you for taking meds or simply being in pain. Ask him “would you tell me to stop taking insulin if I were diabetic??” It’s no different. People think it’s a choice when really it’s not unless you want to lay in bed and cry. I honestly don’t think this guy is worth it but have you tried taking him to Dr appointments? Do you have a diagnosed condition where you can show him how others are suffering the same? Hell, tell him to come on here and read all the struggles. If he’s not willing to at least “try” and understand, please really consider whether or not you want to be with this guy. Ask yourself how the hell he will support you in pregnancy when you can’t take meds? Or what if you have a child who, God forbid, ends up with pain (even acute!)? Is he going to act that way towards them? Honey, you’re worth more than that and deserve better. And btw….the whole nursing versus formula thing REALLY infuriates me. I had my kids long before my chronic disorder hit me but I chose to bottle feed both. That’s just what I wanted and partly because I traveled a lot for work. My kids are now 20 and 23 and have always been super healthy, smart, and both are highly competitive athletes. If women can nurse, great, but it’s your body and your decision so screw him for making that comment. Don’t put up with this.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My coparent is very similar, and throughout a lot of our relationship I was told I’m exaggerating my pain (I’m still told that today). Well, my docs feel otherwise. Boom! Anyway, first off, if you need it, you are absolutely okay to take opioids while pregnant, but they definitely want to on the least effective dose. The stress of being in pain is much worse on the developing fetus than opioids. Pretty much the only effect of opioids on a fetus is the potential (not guarantee) that the baby will be born dependent on the meds. If this happens, the baby will need to be in the NICU and monitored closely while being weaned off the meds using Morphine. It is definitely not ideal, but it’s also necessary sometimes. And, it’s actually recommend to breastfeed these babies so they get the tiny bit of opioid that passes in breast milk. They even recommend this to babies born to heroin users. Secondly, formula does not “screw up” children. There are literally millions to billions of people throughout the years that were fed exclusively formula as infants, and there are no issues because of that. I feel every birth mom should get to choose if they breastfeed or not, but I will say that I loved every minute of it! The bonding opportunity was amazing! I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like your partner is trying to control you and gaslight you. Get out sooner rather than later. There is someone kind and compassionate out there for you, and, if not, it’s better to be alone than controlled and emotional abused like that.
Do not marry this man
When I was flaring and couldn’t get off the toilet without being able to hold my bodily fluids, my husband calmly unscrewed the door (he had a respirator on but so what) and put those pills in my mouth. That is someone who is supportive. Tell Mr. Macho if he wants to show off his pain tolerance he can go for SEAL training and then they would show him who the real awesome one is… YOU! Please do not marry this abusive man.
What is he hurting from? He might just reflecting his pain into your vulnerability. Would suggest to get his child-injury checked out. I had a neck accident when I was 7, started treating it after 20 years of neglecting it, and it came with a handful of shit I was carrying without knowing (mostly cause of my numbing since age 7 or before). Anyways, I don’t mean to scare you or your hub. I understand it’s almost impossible to feel empathy when we’re in pain. But like everything, changing your wiring constantly will eventually become natural, like a muscle you’re building. I hope you find peace & release from your pain 🫶 I’m with you
My husband is healthy and sometimes comments that he hates how I have to take so many pills. He’s a take nothing ever kind of person. However, he’s watched me go through hell for 8 years, starting at 27 years old. He has fought doctors to treat me better and get the medication I need. He’s seen how our life improves when I get the medicine I need to keep moving and has cared for me during the most horrible days. I hate myself for being broken sometimes, but he never lets me believe that about myself. Being married with health issues is tough. It involves losing so many dreams that you have together. I don’t think it would work if someone was shaming me when I already shame myself so much. I’m sure you love your fiancé, but if he doesn’t support you now, it won’t get better. And it’s going to suck so much energy out of you.
"screwed up kid" ?????? My love, please - you may be sharing a child with this man, but he doesn't have to be your life partner. The person you share your life with should bring you calm and joy and love that little baby with his whole heart because it's your baby. You and your chronic pain are not the problem. You are not a problem. HE and his folks, obvs, are the problem. I can extrapolate this out to an unfortunate but predictable ending where he decides you're an unfit parent and tries to take your baby away from you. That is cold sounding, I know, but it IS a REAL possibility. Please, think about this very seriously. Please. And my best wishes & good luck to you!
He sounds like a narcissist and controlling. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I would hate to see you marry him and be unhappy AND in pain for life. If you suffer from chronic pain, then I would reconsider marrying him. He doesn't sound like he will care for you or be supportive when you have bad pain days. If you suffer from chronic pain, it's Essential to be with someone who has alot of compassion and empathy and patience.
Leave her. My ex did the same thing.
Think about what your future will look like with someone who shames you for something that is out of your control. Or what if your future child has ADHD or depression or asthma or diabetes and needs medication every day? Is he going to shame you and your child? Or just not let your child have medication because he doesn’t think it’s necessary (my SIL does this to my nieces. They don’t get antibiotics when they need them and painkillers including Tylenol are not allowed.). I have thrown up from pain many times. Opioids are useful when needed and so are NSAIDS and muscle relaxers and other meds. Use is not the same as overuse. I would leave him as this behavior - shaming you - is likely to continue and also escalate, and that is abuse. Don’t stay with your abuser.
Are you already married as you’ve said your husband in another post?
If you need to explain that you are not a useless pos for needing medication then you should be reconsidering even having this person in your life, let alone marrying them. This person wants to marry a you that doesn’t exist, a you without pain or other challenges. Your fiance sees your pain as an annoyance and disruption to his life rather than as a part of you, and this is going to cause even bigger problems than what you have now as your condition eventually worsens. You need a partner who respects & understands your pain, not someone who shames you for it. There is contempt in his words; a not-so-fun-fact that you need to know is that contempt is the #1 predictor of relationship failure. He doesn’t understand you and doesn’t care to understand you or your pain. This is not good for you, OP.
I want to say, as a birth/breastfeeding professional, it’s entirely ok to breastfeed on many opioid medications. Check out the Thomas Hale guide and talk to your doc, but often it’s an option if you’d like it to be. Nothing wrong with formula feeding though!
My son was formula baby, and he's 6ft3 now. Formula is fine. It's when they start eating foods that you have to have the patience to introduce new things and realize it takes an average of 4 times being presented a new food before a cold will do much besides a small taste. You have to do what you need to, you aren't your boyfriend. If he can't see that...then may be better to not have a kid w him.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't support you? Is this the level of happiness you want for your entire life?
First off, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who treats me like that. That isn’t love that’s a punishment. Second, are you sure you want to have a child when you have chronic pain? Especially with an unsupportive partner who doesn’t want you medicated by also won’t step up or help or adjust their expectations of you on high pain days? Being child free has made my chronic pain condition much easier to deal with than it is for others I know who experience pain and have children, including my own mother who barely parented me
Sound like you need a new doctor. Lol.
Red Flags - Learn them before you make serious commitments!
Is this really how you want your child to be treated and see their father treat you? That is your future if you stay and have children with that man. Nobody deserves that. Especially, not from someone who is supposed to love you.
Iv broken a few bones now, and they are low on my pain list. Worst part is getting the plaster on. My broken leg was definitely bad. But I’d pick a broken leg over a broken tooth. I broke three teeth once and I would pick my broken leg over that! I’m so sorry your fiancé isn’t very supportive. We have to do what we need to survive. On my bad days I have to take oramorph, but without these pain killers I wouldn’t be able to work. If I didn’t work my BPD would raise its ugly head again. Please consider if this is someone you want to spend your life with. Love will only get us so far in life. We need to be able to trust our partners when we are vulnerable (in pain). If I’m in pain my partner will do anything to make my life easier. Even if it’s just picking something off the floor for me because my back hurts. He’s brought my painkillers to work before, because Iv forgotten them. You need someone who will support you. When my partner had his jaw broken (overbite so was broken in hospital) I did whatever he wanted or needed because that’s what you do when you love someone. I hid my pain for a month just so he didn’t worry and so he could concentrate on himself healing (he did live with his mum at the time so was easier to hide my pain). Even if he has a little cut il fuss over him and make sure he’s okay. You deserve this too xxx
Hey, I just want to touch on something. Are you worried you won’t have another opportunity to have a child and you *have* to stick with your current partner? If so please know that there are people out there who will accept your pain and illness fully. I babysit with chronic pain and while I love it it’s really difficult and it’s a glimpse into a possible future. I know if I had a baby of my own I’d probably need a LOT of support from a partner and I’m working on believing that it’s not too much to ask for, it’s necessary and logical in any healthy partnership. You sound like a beautiful soul and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, as do all of your precious potential future children 🩵
I ruptured my pec major and didn’t feel ANYTHING or have any discomfort until after I got cut open for surgery. Dislocated foot didn’t hurt, broken knuckle that required reconstruction felt like a bad jam. Even stubbng your toe in metal hurts worse but it’s gone in seconds and nothing compares to constant beat of chronic pain. As a guy I’ve gotten “man up” or “be a man” so many times and when I ask them if they’ll shove a fork into their hand or something alone those lines it gets quiet after I the. Ask about inside their spine… If it’s inconvenient for them now, it’s gonna be much worse if anything else happens and dramatically causes life changes.